Daria dontsovaltsy Chinese fan. Read Fingers with a Chinese Fan book online Read Fingers with a Fan

Darya Dontsova

Fingers Chinese fan

Men are divided into two types: those who helpfully refer old fur coat wives to dry cleaning, and those who buy their wife a new coat.

I turned to the windowsill and turned on the electric kettle. Maybe, having looked into the light without an invitation, the girl will finally realize that it is high time for her to leave? The right word, there is no strength to listen to her moans.

“Dashenka, what do you think,” the uninvited guest continued in the meantime, “what is the main thing in the future wife? Ability to earn or non-conflict character?

“It is best if the chosen one earns decent money and at the same time is a kind, non-greedy person,” I answered. And, defiantly looking at her watch, she exclaimed: - Wow! How imperceptibly half a day flew by, and I still have so much to do!

- Worries will not go anywhere, - the guest waved them off, - especially at home. Why do you think I never have more than two dates with the same guy? What am I doing wrong? Pour another cup of coffee, please.

I silently reached for the jar that holds the grains.

It is true what they say, there is nothing easier than to complicate your life. A week ago, an old acquaintance Rita Grebneva rushed to me and right from the doorway, before she had time to take off her boots, chattered:

- If you do not help, my happiness will collapse, and I will die under its rubble!

I know that Rita lives in a tiny odnushka, where even a not very obese rabbit will be cramped. But Grebneva has elder sister Zinaida, who lives beyond the Ural Mountains, who sincerely believes that relatives should see each other as often as possible, and once every six months, at the end of winter and in August, rolls into the capital to hug her youngest. And since Zina is a family woman, gently loving husband, three children and a father-in-law with a mother-in-law, then she will certainly take the whole family with her in full force.

How can so many people fit in twenty-five square meters? Well, the sister and her husband sleep on the couch in the room, and the husband's relatives settle down on the floor. The children are stacked in a pile in the kitchenette - the son crawls under the table, and the sweet daughters snore at the stove and sink (it’s good that Grebneva’s nephews don’t go to school yet, but when they grow up, a problem will arise). Rita herself is comfortably located in the bath. True, the plumbing in the apartment, if we use the automotive term, is small, but this is sheer nonsense.

In earlier centuries in France, the aristocracy believed that one should sleep exclusively in a semi-sitting position, which is very healthy. This was told by a guide in the Palace of Versailles, and I, I remember, almost sobbed from pity for the unfortunate Queen Marie Antoinette when I saw her bed. Since then, I have been tormented by the thought: what if all the recommendations of modern doctors are as erroneous as the advice of their colleagues from the time of Louis XVI? Maybe you should not lose weight, eat low-fat foods and torture yourself with sports activities? Suddenly, after two or three hundred years, some one hundred and fifty-kilogram Dashenka Vasilyeva, eating cakes with whipped cream, will shed tears of sympathy for her namesake from the twenty-first century, having learned that she ate lettuce leaves and rattled dumbbells, wanting to maintain health, as the science of the future will prove : fullness and wolfish appetite - a direct path to immortality? After all, we now know that you need to rest lying down, and not sitting. Although Marie Antoinette died quite healthy. Well, yes, I digress from the main topic of the story, sorry.

As a rule, Zinaida lives with her sister for about a month. She and her husband work as web designers, there is no need to go to their service, the main thing is to have a laptop at hand. After the departure of her beloved relative with her children and household, Rita's right eyelid twitches for another couple of weeks.

Last summer, a day after another invasion of the Ural Cumans, Grebneva's neighbor forgot to turn off the tap in her bathroom, and Margarita's apartment was flooded. A friend called me at five in the morning and, interspersed with sobs, asked:

“I beg you, take us in for a day.” We stand on the street with small children and two old men.

Now evaluate the situation. At that moment I lived alone in a huge house in the village of Lozhkino. The main part of my family, along with the dogs-cats, moved to France, where we have a cottage in a small place near Paris. True, I accidentally acquired new pets and hired a Ukrainian Angela as a housekeeper, but my bedroom is much larger than Rita's entire apartment, and there are many empty rooms in the mansion near Moscow. Put yourself in my place: would you turn your tongue to refuse hospitality to a homeless family with three small children? Of course, I brought all the "drowned" to Lozhkino, where they liked it so much that the camp stayed with me for three months.

Chinese fan fingers Darya Dontsova

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Title: Chinese fan fingers

About the book "Fingers with a Chinese fan" Daria Dontsova

As you know, the initiative is punishable! But could Dasha Vasilyeva pass by mysterious history? And it all started quite innocently: she was asked to live in the house of Maya Mikhailovna, the ill mother of a friend, to take care of the hostess' favorite - a luxurious cat named Rudolf Ivanovich. It turned out that Maya Mikhailovna, who lived not far from the neurosis clinic, was a homegrown psychotherapist. And in her absence, Dasha had to play this difficult role! One of the patients, a teenager Ivan, told a chilling story - his stepfather killed his sister, then his mother, and now he is encroaching on the life of Vanechka himself! Of course, the lover of private investigation rushed to the rescue, but she had to be distracted by another "client" - the sweet girl Elechka dreamed of getting married, but all the suitors ran away from her on the second date. And how can Dasha find out what is the reason? Only ... hiding in the closet of the unlucky bride!

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Quotes from the book by Daria Dontsova "Fingers with a Chinese fan"

Never need to complicate things. The most mysterious events tend to have a simple explanation.

Men are divided into two types: those who helpfully take their wife's old fur coat to the dry cleaners, and those who buy their wife a new coat.

“Never heard of it, have you?” When a person is born, God gives his guardian angel two glass jars.

No wonder doctors joke that all diseases are from nerves and only one from pleasure.

And everyone knows that after eighteen hours a decent man will not allow himself to wear anything with a chocolate tint.

I'm really sorry modern teenagers they are under heavy pressure from both teachers and parents. Many are terribly afraid of the exam, but try to hide their fear. Add here personal troubles, worries about appearance, fullness, thinness or clumsiness, unfashionable clothes, lack of any gadgets, and it becomes clear why teenagers have nervous breakdowns. Most parents are concerned only with the marks of their child, they don’t think about the demons that tear apart his soul. Few people care what their children think about life and death, what they are afraid of, what they rejoice in, what can make them cry. In principle, it is easy to understand a teenager, you just need to remember how you yourself were at his age, to restore in your memory your own stupidities, resentments, claims to dad-mother, comrades and teachers. Just be honest! Everything repeats, your child has about the same problems. But it is more difficult for him than for you, because the flow of information that today's schoolchild learns is much greater, and there is too much anger, aggression, and envy in society.

Chapter 1

Men are divided into two types: those who helpfully take their wife's old fur coat to the dry cleaners, and those who buy their wife a new coat.

I turned to the windowsill and turned on the electric kettle. Maybe, having looked into the light without an invitation, the girl will finally realize that it is high time for her to leave? The right word, there is no strength to listen to her moans.

“Dashenka, what do you think,” the uninvited guest continued in the meantime, “what is the main thing in the future wife? Ability to earn or non-conflict character?

“It is best if the chosen one earns decent money and at the same time is a kind, non-greedy person,” I answered. And, defiantly looking at her watch, she exclaimed: - Wow! How imperceptibly half a day flew by, and I still have so much to do!

- Worries will not go anywhere, - the guest waved them off, - especially at home. Why do you think I never have more than two dates with the same guy? What am I doing wrong? Pour another cup of coffee, please.

I silently reached for the jar that holds the grains.

It is true what they say, there is nothing easier than to complicate your life. A week ago, an old acquaintance Rita Grebneva rushed to me and right from the doorway, before she had time to take off her boots, chattered:

- If you do not help, my happiness will collapse, and I will die under its rubble!

I know that Rita lives in a tiny odnushka, where even a not very obese rabbit will be cramped. But Grebneva has an older sister, Zinaida, who lives beyond the Ural Mountains, who sincerely believes that relatives should see each other as often as possible, and once every six months, at the end of winter and in August, rolls into the capital to hug her youngest. And since Zina is a family woman, dearly loving her husband, three children and her father-in-law with her mother-in-law, she will certainly take the whole family with her in full force.

How can so many people fit in twenty-five square meters? Well, the sister and her husband sleep on the couch in the room, and the husband's relatives settle down on the floor. The children are stacked in a pile in the kitchenette - the son crawls under the table, and the sweet daughters snore at the stove and sink (it’s good that Grebneva’s nephews don’t go to school yet, but when they grow up, a problem will arise). Rita herself is comfortably located in the bath. True, the plumbing in the apartment, if we use the automotive term, is small, but this is sheer nonsense.

In earlier centuries in France, the aristocracy believed that one should sleep exclusively in a semi-sitting position, which is very healthy. This was told by a guide in the Palace of Versailles, and I, I remember, almost sobbed from pity for the unfortunate Queen Marie Antoinette when I saw her bed. Since then, I have been tormented by the thought: what if all the recommendations of modern doctors are as erroneous as the advice of their colleagues from the time of Louis XVI? Maybe you should not lose weight, eat low-fat foods and torture yourself with sports activities? Suddenly, after two or three hundred years, some one hundred and fifty-kilogram Dashenka Vasilyeva, eating cakes with whipped cream, will shed tears of sympathy for her namesake from the twenty-first century, having learned that she ate lettuce leaves and rattled dumbbells, wanting to maintain health, as the science of the future will prove : fullness and wolfish appetite - a direct path to immortality? After all, we now know that you need to rest lying down, and not sitting. Although Marie Antoinette died quite healthy. Well, yes, I digress from the main topic of the story, sorry.

As a rule, Zinaida lives with her sister for about a month. She and her husband work as web designers, there is no need to go to their service, the main thing is to have a laptop at hand. After the departure of her beloved relative with her children and household, Rita's right eyelid twitches for another couple of weeks.

Last summer, a day after another invasion of the Ural Cumans, Grebneva's neighbor forgot to turn off the tap in her bathroom, and Margarita's apartment was flooded. A friend called me at five in the morning and, interspersed with sobs, asked:

“I beg you, take us in for a day.” We stand on the street with small children and two old men.

Now evaluate the situation. At that moment I lived alone in a huge house in the village of Lozhkino. The main part of my family, along with the dogs-cats, moved to France, where we have a cottage in a small place near Paris. True, I accidentally acquired new pets and hired a Ukrainian Angela as a housekeeper, but my bedroom is much larger than Rita's entire apartment, and there are many empty rooms in the mansion near Moscow. Put yourself in my place: would you turn your tongue to refuse hospitality to a homeless family with three small children? Of course, I brought all the "drowned" to Lozhkino, where they liked it so much that the camp stayed with me for three months.

Then I took the noisy family to the airport and, waving a handkerchief after them, fell into euphoria. Only the presence of Rita kept me from dancing a jig right outside the reception. Then I invited the cleaners, and they cleaned the house, bought a new set to replace the broken one, changed the carpet on the stairs, which the kids burned with the help of the Young Chemist set, threw away the bed linen, thoroughly covered with brown spots (Zina's mother-in-law is a big fan of coffee in bed) , I bought a new mirror instead of the one that my friend's father-in-law accidentally broke ... Well, I won't list all the damage now, it's petty.

A month and a half after Zinaida's departure, the house in Lozhkino acquired its former appearance. I finally exhaled calmly, life flowed in the usual order. And then a week ago, Ritulya rushed to me and hardened as usual:

“My happiness depends on you!”

I hope you, knowing how the family of her Ural relatives stayed in my house, do not judge me for what I immediately said to Grebneva:

– Ritulya, I’m sorry, I can’t discuss your problems right now, I need to urgently pack my bags.

- You are leaving? she gasped. - In Paris?

Actually, I'm not good at quickly coming up with good reasons for refusing at the right time, but that day I was distinguished by amazing quick wits. The brain worked like a powerful supercomputer, and calculated all the options in a split second. So, now is the very end of winter, therefore, Zinaida again soaped herself in Moscow. Rita's sister really liked Lozhkino, she wants to make me happy again with a visit. Just before leaving, her mother-in-law said: “You have a wonderful plot, why don’t you plant a garden? We'll return to Moscow in the spring, and I'll dig up a dozen beds in a clearing. It’s sunny there, the cucumbers will quickly grow in growth ... "

As soon as I remembered her words, my tongue blurted out of its own accord about the departure. But Rita decided not to give up and asked if I was flying to Paris. And what will happen if I answer, they say, yes, as always, a flight at twelve-thirty from Sheremetyevo Airport? It’s as if Grebneva will shout: “Please let mine live in your house! They won’t bother anyone, the mansion will be empty anyway!” And then what do you want me to do?

The decision came in a second. I lowered my eyes and began to lie with an inspiration that Baron Munchausen could envy:

What Paris? I started renovating the cottage. Here comes the construction team. Can you imagine horror? I can't receive guests, I have nowhere to go myself.

- You have nowhere to live for a couple of months? she clarified.

- Yes Yes! I confirmed. - I'm not planning anything radical, just a cosmetic update, I think ... er ... finish by the beginning of autumn.

- And the animals? Rita did not calm down. “Where are you going to put Athena and Hector?

This question took me by surprise. Grebneva does not belong to people who love cat-dogs. No, she will never offend any of the smaller brothers, but she will not get a puppy or a kitten at home. Then why does she show concern for my pets? If I had thought about this topic a little longer, maybe I would have avoided future troubles, but the supercomputer, tired of work, again turned into the brain of a simple blonde, so I said:

They will go to Paris. And I, the unfortunate one, will have to huddle in a rented apartment, in terrible conditions. After all, for a short time, you yourself understand that decent housing is not rented out.

Having spoken out, I thought that I had saved myself from another visit from Zinaida with the camp, and tried my best to keep a dejected expression on my face.

- That's great! Ritula suddenly exclaimed. - As good as it gets! I will help you and you will help me. Complete concurrence of interests. Lord, I thought I would have to beg you on my knees all day, and suddenly such luck!

I realized that I had made a fatal mistake by lying about the repair. And Grebneva, shining like the May sun, quickly brought me up to date. But before I tell her story, I'll have to explain a few things.

I have a friend Sergey Nikolaev. His father, a former chief physician of a large psychiatric hospital, had long since passed away. But the mother, Maya Mikhailovna, who has worked side by side with her husband all her life, is in good health and still, despite her far from young age, continues to work. Sergei was married, but his marriage did not work out, the couple parted, lived apart for some time, then went to the registry office and became free people. I also know Rita well, we have been friends for several years. And there is nothing surprising in the fact that Sergei, once arriving in Lozhkino, ran into Grebneva in my house. They immediately liked each other, and they began an affair.

The candy-bouquet period has long passed for them, and everyone began to perceive Rita and Sergey as spouses. Everyone except Maya Mikhailovna, who did not want to have anything to do with Grebneva. The elderly lady got it into her head that Margarita Nikolaevna (as she called my girlfriend) is the reason for the divorce of her son, the naive Serezhenka, who fell victim to an impudent person who recaptured him from his lawful wife, and therefore considered Rita her worst enemy. Sergei tried to explain to his mother that his marriage union had burst long before he met Rita, but Maya Mikhailovna said sternly:

- You are no longer a child, and I have no right to scold an adult man, live with whoever you want, just don’t bring a slut to your mother’s house.

But half a year ago, Madame Nikolaeva suddenly changed her anger to mercy and allowed Rita to look at a cup of kefir. Grebneva did everything to please her potential mother-in-law, and achieved success - Maya Mikhailovna melted away. Now she calls her son's civil wife "baby" and loves to chat with her on the phone. But the elderly lady has insomnia, due to her age she has enough time to rest for several hours, so conversations, as a rule, drag on after midnight. And Rita works as a doctor in a cardiology center, at eight in the morning she must already make rounds of patients, so she is used to falling into bed no later than ten in the evening. After Maya Mikhailovna inflamed love for Grebneva, the latter catastrophically does not get enough sleep. To be honest with Sergey’s mother: “Excuse me, I have to get up at an unbearable early tomorrow” - she is not capable, does not want to anger the lady. Especially now, when Sergey invited Rita to go to the registry office - they decided to play the wedding in June.

In addition to her beloved son, Maya Mikhailovna has an adored cat named Rudolf Ivanovich, who was once picked up by her in the garbage. Koszak long ago forgot the days when he slept on pipes in the basement, and considered the waste bin to be a restaurant with three Michelin stars. Now he only eats in a special way cooked dishes, sleeps on a carefully whipped featherbed. And God forbid you call him:

- Rudy! Come here!

At best, he will ignore you, at worst, he will write in slippers to the one who dared to address his highness so familiarly. The cat should be called respectfully:

- Rudolf Ivanovich, if you please, go and have tea with buns.

Better yet, serve him a cup directly into a velvet-lined basket. Does it surprise you that a 13-kilogram cat loves tea? You just don't know Rudolf Ivanovich! He also uses chewing gum to keep his breath fresh.

Rita is allergic to cats, but after swallowing antihistamine pills, she pets the cat. And that one is amazing! - very nice to her.

Now Grebneva has to fly on a business trip to Yekaterinburg, she will spend about three weeks in this city. And Sergey the day before yesterday left for a tour of Russia - future husband Rituli is the head of the PR service of a large businessman who desperately wanted to become a deputy. Elections are ahead, it is necessary to win over the voters, so that Nikolaev will not return to Moscow before the end of March. And everything would have been fine if Maya Mikhailovna had not slipped yesterday. The old lady fell and broke her leg. Rita in a second placed her in the best clinic in the capital and hired a nurse. Sergey's mother lies in the private medical center "Surgery", in a separate, well-equipped ward that looks like a room expensive hotel, food is delivered to her from a restaurant, caring medical staff is ready to satisfy any whim of the patient. However, there is one “but”: she was not allowed to take the cat with her.

Maya Mikhailovna said to Rita:

"Baby, can you help me out?" Refuse the business trip and live with the boy? I will be forever grateful to you. If not, I will leave the hospital. Let my leg stop moving, which means I'll sit in a wheelchair, and I won't leave Rudolf Ivanovich for anything. He alone will die! Who will cook him a steamed veal soufflé with tender artichokes and savoy cabbage?

The doctors present at the conversation almost died when they heard about the dish that is fed to the cat, but firmly stated:

“It’s better for Mrs. Nikolaeva to stay with us, at that age a fracture is a dangerous thing.

What was Rita to do? She vowed to give a damn about her work, to settle in the apartment of her future mother-in-law in order to cherish the cat and every evening at exactly twenty-two zero-zero to report to the lady about how her “son” spent the day. Thank God, Maya Mikhailovna does not know how to use a computer, the Skype program is not available to her, and she did not demand to show her the impudent face of Rudolf Ivanovich six times a day.

Assess the current situation? Sergei cannot return to Moscow, as he will lose his job if he leaves the businessman. In Yekaterinburg, the capital's doctor Grebneva is waiting for the sick, she has no right to leave them to their fate. And what to do? It’s impossible to hire a person who will look after the cat - Rudolf Ivanovich hates outsiders and will instantly survive even the most beautiful nanny out of the house. And if suddenly Maya Mikhailovna finds out that the cat lived alone and was visited only for feeding and washing the tray, she will instantly hate her future daughter-in-law again ...

So Ritulya rushed to me in Lozhkino with an offer to live in the apartment of Madame's illness. What is not a solution to the problem? Rudolf Ivanovich treats me favorably, I am not a stranger to him, I remember the day when he appeared as a miserable skinny kitten in the Nikolaev family. Grebneva prepared to fall on her face before me, to beat her head on the floor, promising anything for the service. And what did you hear, not having time to state the request? A friend decided to make repairs, she is going to rent some kind of hut in order to turn over there while painting the walls and sanding the floors, she worries in advance because of the bad conditions in which she will find herself. Wow, how did everything work out so well! Hooray! Hooray! Drums are beating! Timpani sounds!

Ritochka jumped for joy and repeated:

- That turned out great! Maya, of course, is a wretch, she loves to hold her fingers with a Chinese fan, she always insists that she has a son, and a cat, and a house, and in general everything, all the best, and I am a mongrel who was allowed to warm up from the street. But I don't care about that. The main thing is that Maya should not make scandals before our wedding with Sergey. And then we'll see whose Chinese fan will be cooler, hers or mine!

I could only blink silently, watching Rita's glee. There was no way out, I had painted myself into a corner.

Men are divided into two types: those who helpfully take their wife's old fur coat to the dry cleaners, and those who buy their wife a new coat.

I turned to the windowsill and turned on the electric kettle. Maybe, having looked into the light without an invitation, the girl will finally realize that it is high time for her to leave? The right word, there is no strength to listen to her moans.

“Dashenka, what do you think,” the uninvited guest continued in the meantime, “what is the main thing in the future wife? Ability to earn or non-conflict character?

“It is best if the chosen one earns decent money and at the same time is a kind, non-greedy person,” I answered. And, defiantly looking at her watch, she exclaimed: - Wow! How imperceptibly half a day flew by, and I still have so much to do!

- Worries will not go anywhere, - the guest waved them off, - especially at home. Why do you think I never have more than two dates with the same guy? What am I doing wrong? Pour another cup of coffee, please.

I silently reached for the jar that holds the grains.

It is true what they say, there is nothing easier than to complicate your life. A week ago, an old acquaintance Rita Grebneva rushed to me and right from the doorway, before she had time to take off her boots, chattered:

- If you do not help, my happiness will collapse, and I will die under its rubble!

I know that Rita lives in a tiny odnushka, where even a not very obese rabbit will be cramped. But Grebneva has an older sister, Zinaida, who lives beyond the Ural Mountains, who sincerely believes that relatives should see each other as often as possible, and once every six months, at the end of winter and in August, rolls into the capital to hug her youngest. And since Zina is a family woman, dearly loving her husband, three children and her father-in-law with her mother-in-law, she will certainly take the whole family with her in full force.

How can so many people fit in twenty-five square meters? Well, the sister and her husband sleep on the couch in the room, and the husband's relatives settle down on the floor. The children are stacked in a pile in the kitchenette - the son crawls under the table, and the sweet daughters snore at the stove and sink (it’s good that Grebneva’s nephews don’t go to school yet, but when they grow up, a problem will arise). Rita herself is comfortably located in the bath. True, the plumbing in the apartment, if we use the automotive term, is small, but this is sheer nonsense.

In earlier centuries in France, the aristocracy believed that one should sleep exclusively in a semi-sitting position, which is very healthy. This was told by a guide in the Palace of Versailles, and I, I remember, almost sobbed from pity for the unfortunate Queen Marie Antoinette when I saw her bed. Since then, I have been tormented by the thought: what if all the recommendations of modern doctors are as erroneous as the advice of their colleagues from the time of Louis XVI? Maybe you should not lose weight, eat low-fat foods and torture yourself with sports activities? Suddenly, after two or three hundred years, some one hundred and fifty-kilogram Dashenka Vasilyeva, eating cakes with whipped cream, will shed tears of sympathy for her namesake from the twenty-first century, having learned that she ate lettuce leaves and rattled dumbbells, wanting to maintain health, as the science of the future will prove : fullness and wolfish appetite - a direct path to immortality? After all, we now know that you need to rest lying down, and not sitting. Although Marie Antoinette died quite healthy. Well, yes, I digress from the main topic of the story, sorry.

As a rule, Zinaida lives with her sister for about a month. She and her husband work as web designers, there is no need to go to their service, the main thing is to have a laptop at hand. After the departure of her beloved relative with her children and household, Rita's right eyelid twitches for another couple of weeks.

Last summer, a day after another invasion of the Ural Cumans, Grebneva's neighbor forgot to turn off the tap in her bathroom, and Margarita's apartment was flooded. A friend called me at five in the morning and, interspersed with sobs, asked:

“I beg you, take us in for a day.” We stand on the street with small children and two old men.

Now evaluate the situation. At that moment I lived alone in a huge house in the village of Lozhkino. The main part of my family, along with the dogs-cats, moved to France, where we have a cottage in a small place near Paris. True, I accidentally acquired new pets and hired a Ukrainian Angela as a housekeeper, but my bedroom is much larger than Rita's entire apartment, and there are many empty rooms in the mansion near Moscow. Put yourself in my place: would you turn your tongue to refuse hospitality to a homeless family with three small children? Of course, I brought all the "drowned" to Lozhkino, where they liked it so much that the camp stayed with me for three months.

Then I took the noisy family to the airport and, waving a handkerchief after them, fell into euphoria. Only the presence of Rita kept me from dancing a jig right outside the reception. Then I invited the cleaners, and they cleaned the house, bought a new set to replace the broken one, changed the carpet on the stairs, which the kids burned with the help of the Young Chemist set, threw away the bed linen, thoroughly covered with brown spots (Zina's mother-in-law is a big fan of coffee in bed) , I bought a new mirror instead of the one that my friend's father-in-law accidentally broke ... Well, I won't list all the damage now, it's petty.

A month and a half after Zinaida's departure, the house in Lozhkino acquired its former appearance. I finally exhaled calmly, life flowed in the usual order. And then a week ago, Ritulya rushed to me and hardened as usual:

“My happiness depends on you!”

I hope you, knowing how the family of her Ural relatives stayed in my house, do not judge me for what I immediately said to Grebneva:

– Ritulya, I’m sorry, I can’t discuss your problems right now, I need to urgently pack my bags.

- You are leaving? she gasped. - In Paris?

Actually, I'm not good at quickly coming up with good reasons for refusing at the right time, but that day I was distinguished by amazing quick wits. The brain worked like a powerful supercomputer, and calculated all the options in a split second. So, now is the very end of winter, therefore, Zinaida again soaped herself in Moscow. Rita's sister really liked Lozhkino, she wants to make me happy again with a visit. Just before leaving, her mother-in-law said: “You have a wonderful plot, why don’t you plant a garden? We'll return to Moscow in the spring, and I'll dig up a dozen beds in a clearing. It’s sunny there, the cucumbers will quickly grow in growth ... "

As soon as I remembered her words, my tongue blurted out of its own accord about the departure. But Rita decided not to give up and asked if I was flying to Paris. And what will happen if I answer, they say, yes, as always, a flight at twelve-thirty from Sheremetyevo Airport? It’s as if Grebneva will shout: “Please let mine live in your house! They won’t bother anyone, the mansion will be empty anyway!” And then what do you want me to do?

The decision came in a second. I lowered my eyes and began to lie with an inspiration that Baron Munchausen could envy:

What Paris? I started renovating the cottage. Here comes the construction team. Can you imagine horror? I can't receive guests, I have nowhere to go myself.

- You have nowhere to live for a couple of months? she clarified.

- Yes Yes! I confirmed. - I'm not planning anything radical, just a cosmetic update, I think ... er ... finish by the beginning of autumn.

- And the animals? Rita did not calm down. “Where are you going to put Athena and Hector?

Chapter 1

Men are divided into two types: those who helpfully take their wife's old fur coat to the dry cleaners, and those who buy their wife a new coat.

I turned to the windowsill and turned on the electric kettle. Maybe, having looked into the light without an invitation, the girl will finally realize that it is high time for her to leave? The right word, there is no strength to listen to her moans.

“Dashenka, what do you think,” the uninvited guest continued in the meantime, “what is the main thing in the future wife? Ability to earn or non-conflict character?

“It is best if the chosen one earns decent money and at the same time is a kind, non-greedy person,” I answered. And, defiantly looking at her watch, she exclaimed: - Wow! How imperceptibly half a day flew by, and I still have so much to do!

- Worries will not go anywhere, - the guest waved them off, - especially at home. Why do you think I never have more than two dates with the same guy? What am I doing wrong? Pour another cup of coffee, please.

I silently reached for the jar that holds the grains.

It is true what they say, there is nothing easier than to complicate your life. A week ago, an old acquaintance Rita Grebneva rushed to me and right from the doorway, before she had time to take off her boots, chattered:

- If you do not help, my happiness will collapse, and I will die under its rubble!

I know that Rita lives in a tiny odnushka, where even a not very obese rabbit will be cramped. But Grebneva has an older sister, Zinaida, who lives beyond the Ural Mountains, who sincerely believes that relatives should see each other as often as possible, and once every six months, at the end of winter and in August, rolls into the capital to hug her youngest. And since Zina is a family woman, dearly loving her husband, three children and her father-in-law with her mother-in-law, she will certainly take the whole family with her in full force.

How can so many people fit in twenty-five square meters? Well, the sister and her husband sleep on the couch in the room, and the husband's relatives settle down on the floor. The children are stacked in a pile in the kitchenette - the son crawls under the table, and the sweet daughters snore at the stove and sink (it’s good that Grebneva’s nephews don’t go to school yet, but when they grow up, a problem will arise). Rita herself is comfortably located in the bath. True, the plumbing in the apartment, if we use the automotive term, is small, but this is sheer nonsense.

In earlier centuries in France, the aristocracy believed that one should sleep exclusively in a semi-sitting position, which is very healthy. This was told by a guide in the Palace of Versailles, and I, I remember, almost sobbed from pity for the unfortunate Queen Marie Antoinette when I saw her bed. Since then, I have been tormented by the thought: what if all the recommendations of modern doctors are as erroneous as the advice of their colleagues from the time of Louis XVI? Maybe you should not lose weight, eat low-fat foods and torture yourself with sports activities? Suddenly, after two or three hundred years, some one hundred and fifty-kilogram Dashenka Vasilyeva, eating cakes with whipped cream, will shed tears of sympathy for her namesake from the twenty-first century, having learned that she ate lettuce leaves and rattled dumbbells, wanting to maintain health, as the science of the future will prove : fullness and wolfish appetite - a direct path to immortality? After all, we now know that you need to rest lying down, and not sitting. Although Marie Antoinette died quite healthy. Well, yes, I digress from the main topic of the story, sorry.

As a rule, Zinaida lives with her sister for about a month. She and her husband work as web designers, there is no need to go to their service, the main thing is to have a laptop at hand. After the departure of her beloved relative with her children and household, Rita's right eyelid twitches for another couple of weeks.

Last summer, a day after another invasion of the Ural Cumans, Grebneva's neighbor forgot to turn off the tap in her bathroom, and Margarita's apartment was flooded. A friend called me at five in the morning and, interspersed with sobs, asked:

“I beg you, take us in for a day.” We stand on the street with small children and two old men.

Now evaluate the situation. At that moment I lived alone in a huge house in the village of Lozhkino. The main part of my family, along with the dogs-cats, moved to France, where we have a cottage in a small place near Paris. True, I accidentally acquired new pets and hired a Ukrainian Angela as a housekeeper, but my bedroom is much larger than Rita's entire apartment, and there are many empty rooms in the mansion near Moscow. Put yourself in my place: would you turn your tongue to refuse hospitality to a homeless family with three small children? Of course, I brought all the "drowned" to Lozhkino, where they liked it so much that the camp stayed with me for three months.

Then I took the noisy family to the airport and, waving a handkerchief after them, fell into euphoria. Only the presence of Rita kept me from dancing a jig right outside the reception. Then I invited the cleaners, and they cleaned the house, bought a new set to replace the broken one, changed the carpet on the stairs, which the kids burned with the help of the Young Chemist set, threw away the bed linen, thoroughly covered with brown spots (Zina's mother-in-law is a big fan of coffee in bed) , I bought a new mirror instead of the one that my friend's father-in-law accidentally broke ... Well, I won't list all the damage now, it's petty.

A month and a half after Zinaida's departure, the house in Lozhkino acquired its former appearance. I finally exhaled calmly, life flowed in the usual order. And then a week ago, Ritulya rushed to me and hardened as usual:

“My happiness depends on you!”

I hope you, knowing how the family of her Ural relatives stayed in my house, do not judge me for what I immediately said to Grebneva:

– Ritulya, I’m sorry, I can’t discuss your problems right now, I need to urgently pack my bags.

- You are leaving? she gasped. - In Paris?

Actually, I'm not good at quickly coming up with good reasons for refusing at the right time, but that day I was distinguished by amazing quick wits. The brain worked like a powerful supercomputer, and calculated all the options in a split second. So, now is the very end of winter, therefore, Zinaida again soaped herself in Moscow. Rita's sister really liked Lozhkino, she wants to make me happy again with a visit. Just before leaving, her mother-in-law said: “You have a wonderful plot, why don’t you plant a garden? We'll return to Moscow in the spring, and I'll dig up a dozen beds in a clearing. It’s sunny there, the cucumbers will quickly grow in growth ... "

As soon as I remembered her words, my tongue blurted out of its own accord about the departure. But Rita decided not to give up and asked if I was flying to Paris. And what will happen if I answer, they say, yes, as always, a flight at twelve-thirty from Sheremetyevo Airport? It’s as if Grebneva will shout: “Please let mine live in your house! They won’t bother anyone, the mansion will be empty anyway!” And then what do you want me to do?

The decision came in a second. I lowered my eyes and began to lie with an inspiration that Baron Munchausen could envy:

What Paris? I started renovating the cottage. Here comes the construction team. Can you imagine horror? I can't receive guests, I have nowhere to go myself.

- You have nowhere to live for a couple of months? she clarified.

- Yes Yes! I confirmed. - I'm not planning anything radical, just a cosmetic update, I think ... er ... finish by the beginning of autumn.

- And the animals? Rita did not calm down. “Where are you going to put Athena and Hector?

This question took me by surprise. Grebneva does not belong to people who love cat-dogs. No, she will never offend any of the smaller brothers, but she will not get a puppy or a kitten at home. Then why does she show concern for my pets? If I had thought about this topic a little longer, maybe I would have avoided future troubles, but the supercomputer, tired of work, again turned into the brain of a simple blonde, so I said:

They will go to Paris. And I, the unfortunate one, will have to huddle in a rented apartment, in terrible conditions. After all, for a short time, you yourself understand that decent housing is not rented out.

Having spoken out, I thought that I had saved myself from another visit from Zinaida with the camp, and tried my best to keep a dejected expression on my face.

- That's great! Ritula suddenly exclaimed. - As good as it gets! I will help you and you will help me. Complete concurrence of interests. Lord, I thought I would have to beg you on my knees all day, and suddenly such luck!

I realized that I had made a fatal mistake by lying about the repair. And Grebneva, shining like the May sun, quickly brought me up to date. But before I tell her story, I'll have to explain a few things.