“There should be no one dearer than a husband and wife. My husband does not protect me My husband does not protect me
I think that each of us expects that close person stand by our side and protect us. But for some reason my husband does exactly the opposite. There may be several reasons:
1. Perhaps he has accumulated irritation, anger at you, which he cannot express directly, but when an opportunity arises, he gladly joins your offenders.
2. Are you always "innocent"? Perhaps he just wants to be on the side of the truth, and nothing personal. And you expect protection from him, no matter what.
3. Do you stand up for him when your voice is needed? If not, then it's probably mutual.
4. If this happens often, then this may be a symptom that in your relationship, both of you are deeply unhappy with something and it's time to change something.
But you can understand this only through your dialogue with your husband, asking him, without blaming, what is happening? What does not suit? Explaining what you expect from him (protection, etc.) and asking what he thinks about this. If the husband does not make contact, then it is possible to find out through a conversation with a psychologist who can give recommendations specifically for your family situation.
Sincerely,
psychologist Irina Shashkova
Together 6 years We have one common child child, and my daughter from my first marriage This is to characterize the family) I have always respected and treat my husband’s personal space, interests, I am interested in his hobbies .. I have always treated his friends well. I never allowed myself to say something bad. I grew up in a family in a family where dad respected mom, And mom respected dad, was his support and support, his dignity! especially friends.
Recently it happened that close friend at our wedding.. punched me in the face. I’m not a stupid person, I tried to get away from the conflict, I just disappeared, spoke, reassured .. translated topics to avoid conflict ... because this is a friend of my beloved ... and I didn’t want anything bad for anyone .. I tried to convey to my husband that he tries to pinch his cheek, to give a slap in the face. But my words were ignored, in the end they accused me of this ..... It was a year ago there they officially registered the marriage and to this day they asked me for forgiveness .. and another friend After a while insulted me in public and tore off my daughter's christening, where he was supposed to be a godfather of his own free will...
The model of behavior taken from his father turned out just recently and he was never the protector of the family and his woman. I dreamed that it was important for me how to save my family. I love this person, I appreciate and know what he is sometimes capable of ... was ... I do not limit meetings with friends. I respect, I even share his interests.
Belgorod try to talk to him to tell him how I feel from these moments. Not blaming, but with a request to understand how painful it is, I’m scared ... That if they treat me like that, then they don’t respect him either .. they don’t want to hear and understand me .. everything suits him ... It’s scary that when choosing between friends and me - they will not choose me, protect not me, help not me ...
I want to keep the relationship. Because I love, I appreciate everything that we have been building for a long time ... I don’t indulge in everything, I didn’t spoil it .. where necessary and put it in its place and vice versa, I understood his desires without limiting. How to make him begin to defend my honor and even more so ...
I am pretty, active and sociable.. not a blue stocking, an interesting person.. not a kneader, watching her husband in fear of betrayal... Doing nothing else... complex on legs.
How to Reach Out? explain... To protect me and not look like it hurts, insulting. They clap their eyelashes and food with happiness, that he is with golden hands, when he succeeds in doing something ... Although I can do a lot. He has support and respect in the family. She invested a lot of her energy in establishing their relationship with a child from another marriage.
I do not forget to remind him of the duties, as a man, head, a person who must secure housing for his offspring, at least...
Everything is collapsing terribly .. conversations do not bring understanding .. he says that he loves, cannot live .. etc ..
But .. my strength is not endless ... And there is pride .. what to do .. how to act ... is there a chance to change something ... at a dead end
Vlada and Alexei have been together for five years, legally married for the third year, and for the third year they live with their mother-in-law - saving up for an apartment.
Such a decision at one time was not easy for Vlad. However, she decided to take the risk. Firstly, all of them - educated, intelligent people, probably to the point of spitting into each other's teapot, will not stoop. Secondly, the mother-in-law’s apartment is spacious, there is plenty of space, you don’t have to sit on each other’s heads, respectively, and there shouldn’t be any special conflicts. And, most importantly, it's not forever. If you set aside a certain amount per month, in three years they will have a down payment, and they will be able to think about their own housing.
You can endure three years already, especially when there is, in the name of what. And renting an apartment, paying money to nowhere month after month, is a dead end ...
The young moved in with their mother, and at first they lived quite tolerably. The guys worked, came home only to spend the night, my mother ran the household, did not climb into a young family, and the savings went at a brisk pace. Vlada was only happy about how great they came up with, and sincerely did not understand who only composes these stupid stories about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. And then suddenly there was a pregnancy. The young people planned the child in principle, but a little later - at first they wanted to resolve the issue of housing. But since it happened, they decided to give birth. The mother-in-law stood up loudest for this - they say, as long as we live together, I will help. This idea seemed logical. Vlada will give birth, sit with the baby for some time, and then start working, gradually leaving the baby to her grandmother, and they will again enter the schedule. Three years will stretch, maybe 4-5, but it doesn't matter. Break through!
But here's the bad luck - since Vlada went on maternity leave, the relations between the two women, which were quite good at first, for some reason began to deteriorate before our eyes. And the further, the worse. The child is now a little over a year old, and the house is hell and a nightmare.
The mother-in-law is looking forward to her son's return from work, complains to him about her daughter-in-law and is sure that he is simply obliged to rein in "this impudent one."
- A child without socks, the window is open, - the mother lists the sins of the daughter-in-law. - And he, by the way, was coughing all night today! .. He sits all day alone on the floor, and my mother shares her experience on the Internet ... And what an experience there! The child is a year old, he does not speak and does not know what a pot is! Where have you seen it ... Our children at this age already ate themselves, recited poems, went to the toilet ... Because we didn’t have the Internet ... She was freed from everything, I cook, wash the machine, clean the vacuum cleaner ... He won't wash the cup after himself ... And at the same time, you can't take care of the child - well, that's all! No gate!
Alexey listens absently to this whole stream and mechanically nods his head. Vlada perceives her husband's behavior as cowardice and betrayal. The husband does not see any problem in Vlada's actions towards the baby, but he does not want to quarrel with his mother. But he could have protected his wife. Say, they say, do not go, this is OUR family and OUR child. Well, at least, at worst, to transfer the conversation to another topic, and not listen to all this nonsense. But he is silent, and the mother-in-law winds herself up more and more, confident that her son listens attentively and supports her.
If only you could say you don't want to hear this! - then Vlad cries in his room. Why does she think I'm a bad mother?? I do everything for my child, read to him, play with him, walk every day, breastfeed... tell her! Well, it's impossible, all day with a child! Do I really not have the right to take a half hour to rest when the child is busy or sleeping? And I cook... sometimes. And I always wash the dishes!
- Oh, figure it out yourself! Alexey dismisses his wife's complaints. - These are your women's affairs! .. I know that you are a good mother. But what do you want from me? So that I also swear with my mother? Life will become completely unbearable. We are in her house, she does a lot for us. And he cooks, at least sometimes, and sits with the child. Then, after all, she wants what is best, for her grandson, first of all. Well, pay no attention!
Now my husband does not want to move to a rented apartment categorically. Rental prices have risen, it is very difficult to rent with a child, and you don’t want to drag the baby along other people’s bedbugs. Moreover, here the area is inhabited, and the clinic is wonderful, and the pediatrician on the site is just a magician, she treated Alyosha as a child. Yes, and savings, with my mother's help, somehow go, although not as fast as you want, but this is already good. After new year holidays Vlada plans to go to work, the child will be with her grandmother, so it’s impossible to move out now. Taking out a mortgage immediately is scary, you need to save up more. Well, in the end, they endured so much - it’s stupid to be offended now and give up everything halfway.
Vlada understands all this, and, in general, agrees to be patient - but on the condition that Alexei will try to protect Vlada from criticism and attacks.
Should Alexei put his mother in her place? How to support Vlad? Bang your fist on the table, resolutely say that this is my family - do not go? well, or at least not to hit, but to talk in a good way, to make it clear that he will not allow scolding his wife?
Or to consider the point of view of the mother, after all, they are in her house?
Or is it unsuitable for a man to sort out women's conflicts? Let them reconcile themselves, and is Alexey right that he does not interfere with all his might?
If moving out is not an option, what is the best way?
What do you think?
Hello! Help, please advice, or reference to the literature. I'm in a situation where I don't know how to help. Please tell me, should a husband defend his wife if she was offended (by word or deed in his presence or without him), and the wife is not to blame? And how to respond in a Christian way in order to reason with the offender and to support his wife? I myself think that I should, and if the husband does not immediately know how to say it correctly, then I think, after all, it’s all the same, I should tell the offender somehow gently that the offender is wrong. Help me please. Catherine.
Archpriest Mikhail Samokhin answers:
Hello Ekaterina!
The Holy Scripture sees the relationship between Christ and the Church as an image of the relationship between husband and wife. The Lord laid down his soul for His Church, so a husband must be ready to defend his wife. It is not at all clear from your letter the situation in which such protection is necessary. Therefore, visit the nearest temple and personally consult with the priest, who, having delved into specific details, will be able to give you effective advice.
Sincerely, Archpriest Mikhail Samokhin.
