home » I am 50 » What to do if, after a divorce, the mother does not allow the father to see the common child? What to do if my mother does not love me: psychology and consequences.

What to do if, after a divorce, the mother does not allow the father to see the common child? What to do if my mother does not love me: psychology and consequences.

The topic of divorce of a married couple is not limited to the divorce process. If there are common children in the family, family relations of spouses who were previously married move to another plane. As a rule, minor children remain under the care of only one of them. The desire not just to meet occasionally, but to take a full part in the upbringing makes the former spouses find compromises that suit both parties. What to do if the mother after the divorce does not allow the father to see the child? How can a father defend his rights legally?

The right of the father to communicate with the child after the divorce

Article number 66 Family Code The Russian Federation fixed the right of any of the parents to participate in the upbringing of children left in the care of the other side. This is possible if, during the divorce proceedings, the judicial authorities have not established any restriction on such joint participation. At the same time, the party that retained the primary right to raise the child does not have the right to prevent communication with the other parent.

According to statistics, as a result of divorce, children most often stay with their mother. If she voluntarily agrees to the unlimited participation of the father in the life of the child, then there are no problems. However, such a favorable outcome is not always possible. Often, children left with their mother, under various, sometimes far-fetched reasons, are deprived of legal meetings with their father.

If the mother’s desire to prevent the father from communicating with her offspring does not have serious grounds and judicial restrictions, then the father has the right in relation to his children:

It should be noted that the rights of the father in relation to the communication and upbringing of children left by the former spouse are determined by several circumstances related to the following points:

the age of the child;
physical condition;
mother's work schedule;
availability of comfortable conditions for meetings;
the desire of the child to communicate with the parent.

What to do if the ex-spouse does not allow to see the child?

In the event that the former spouses fail to reach an understanding about the father's share in the upbringing of common children, then the overdue conflict will have to be resolved with the participation of the judiciary.

The party that considers itself the victim goes to court with a statement of claim. As a rule, judges consider the case from the point of view that creates best conditions specifically for the child, and only then suits both spouses.

It should be borne in mind that ignoring fair claims on the part of ex-wife can negatively affect the image of the father when it comes to litigation. For this reason, in the event of conflict situations for any of the spouses best solution there will be temporary concessions to the demands of the other side. Such behavior will certainly be positively taken into account when making a court verdict.

The father should not take any illegal actions that can cause moral injury ex-wife or a child, even if the judicial authorities have issued an order determining the communication with the child, but ex-wife trying to break it. The father should not resolve the issue using forceful methods - take the child for a while without notifying the ex-wife and, moreover, try to kidnap him.

Drawing up a claim

The first point in the legal resolution of the dispute between the father and mother regarding the joint upbringing of children is the preparation and filing of a lawsuit with the court on the observance of rights defined by law. In addition to the request for a legal decision, the statement of claim must contain the following mandatory information:

the name of the judicial authority to which the appeal was sent;
passport details of the applicant;
information about the child;
date of application.

If the plaintiff has a clear understanding of what should be done after the divorce, and specific proposals on the procedure and method of communication with the child, this should also be attached to the claim.

Evidence that the ex-spouse is interfering with the ability to see the child should also be presented to the court.

These evidence may include:

documented testimony of witnesses;
records of telephone conversations;
correspondence of former spouses.

In the event that the consideration of the statement of claim is delayed, the court has the right, at the request of the applicant, to determine a temporary procedure for communicating with children. Refusal of a positive decision that determines the order of communication, in practice, rarely happens and only in the presence of exceptional circumstances. The main emphasis in the review is on the preservation of the moral and physical health child.

Responsibility of the mother for violation of the established procedure for meetings between the father and the child

If the spouses did not come to a mutual agreement and went to court, then in the future they are obliged to act strictly in accordance with the court decision. The order of communication between parents and children, determined in accordance with the law, is mandatory for both parties. The mother, under whose care the child has remained, has no right to violate the orders issued and to put obstacles in the way of the father's communication with him.

Persistent misconduct by the mother that violates a court order may result in a retrial. If the child is constantly pressured by the former spouse to create a negative image of the father, this may serve as a reason for a decision overturning the previous verdict. If there are such facts, they should be recorded, preferably with the help of third parties. The collected evidence base on the balance and conflict-freeness of the plaintiff, as practice shows, is the main factor determining a positive result in the consideration of the case on the father's right to communicate with his child.

The observance by the father of all points of the decision made in court, the systematic building of a strategy that does not violate the rights of the spouse and, especially, the child, will significantly strengthen his position in the body considering statement of claim. After filing several lawsuits and presenting arguments, it will be possible that the judges will remove the responsibility for raising the child from the mother and place it on the father.

If something doesn’t suit us very much in a relationship with a man, we can say at any time: “Sorry, but here our paths diverge.” Of course, it won't be easy, but as they say, we don't have to be around those we don't need. The same applies to friends who, for some reason, cease to be friends: we move away from some gradually, with others we break any ties with lightning speed.

But there are those in our environment who will always be there, despite misunderstandings and conflicts. We are talking about close relatives, namely the only and most beloved mother.

123RF/ocsaymark

Unfortunately, not everyone has a trusting relationship with their mother. Sometimes conflicts arise through the fault of the daughter, sometimes the mother is to blame, but still more often both do everything possible so that later it is difficult to be in the same room.

In this case, both mother and daughter suffer. The first believes that she undeservedly receives one after another slap in the face from the person to whom she devoted all of herself, and the second is sure that she is doing everything right and her mother simply does not understand her. Is it possible to mend a relationship with a mother when they seem to be at an impasse? We will give you some tips that will help you get back together with the dearest person, leaving endless quarrels behind.

Don't forget who you're arguing with

Sometimes you get into a rage and start throwing the most unpleasant words at the offender. However, it is very important to remember exactly who is standing in front of you now. It's one thing to argue with a work colleague or a friend you can't rely on, and quite another with your own mother. No matter how trite it may sound, but this person not only gave you life on your birthday - he was there in the most difficult moments, helped you get up when you fell from a swing or a tricycle, blew on abrasions and bruises, did not sleep at night, when you had a fever, and was ready to give up his own life for you if necessary.

123RF/Evgeny Atamanenko

Yes, now you are looking at your mother, and it seems to you that in front of you is just a stubborn tyrant who does not even try to understand you, but just imagine that this tyrant will suddenly disappear. She is no longer young and may need help just as much as you did when you were little.

So always remember who you are arguing with and choose your words carefully. First, there will come a time when you will not be able to forgive yourself for some of them. And secondly, being more selective in expressions, you will be able to smooth out the already sharp corners.

Take her place

Do not think that life's difficulties haunt only you, your mother also has a lot of them. Of course, there are a lot of reasons for the emergence of conflicts between mother and daughter, but the vast majority of psychologists assure that maternal dissatisfaction with one's own life very often lies at the basis. Perhaps your mother once left her husband, and now she has serious health problems. Here you like it or not, but you will periodically take out your anger on loved ones. Never forget that mom is not a robot. This is a person with his own thoughts, experiences, problems and fears. Maybe you should pick the right moment and talk heart to heart with her?

talk

Despite the fact that we agreed to protect the feelings of a loved one, we’ll clarify that it’s not worth hushing up grievances, especially since mom probably tells you about everything that doesn’t suit her in you. Try to voice your dissatisfaction, just present it in a more positive way. Instead of “you never listen to me, you don’t care at all how I feel!” you can say "please listen to me, I'm sure you will understand me", and the phrase "of course, you have the most terrible daughter in the world!" it is better to replace it with "your praise means a lot to me."

123RF/Iakov Filimonov

It is very important for her to know that you need her just as much as 20 years ago. Therefore, do not forget to consult with your mother on how to prepare this or that salad or remove red wine stains from a white blouse. Firstly, the advice of a woman who clearly has more experience in these matters than you will really help you. And secondly, your mother will see that you never thought to forget about her, that she is still the same smart and wonderful woman in the world for you. In addition, if you know that she has a weakness for moralizing, it would be better if you choose the topics for these moralizing yourself.

123RF/Vadim Guzhva

Take an interest in her life

Older people are especially acutely experiencing inattention to themselves from loved ones. That is why a call from a grandson from another city is a great reason to brag to your girlfriends.

Be more attentive to your mother: take an interest in her well-being, come to visit, bringing her favorite sweets as a gift, and when buying the little things you need in the household for your home, do not forget sometimes to buy something for her.

You will see, such a gentle and caring attitude will eventually melt the ice between you, and you will be able to hold meetings without reproaches and scandals.

© Unsplash: Alex Harvey

Our columnist Elena Bashkova talks about the fact that separation from the mother is not callousness, but a blessing, and also about how often close relationships adult daughter and an elderly mother, in fact, turn out to be a tangle of neuroses and manipulations.

We haven’t seen Anka since our institute days, but, thank the almighty social networks, were aware of each other's lives. As much as in general it can be judged by glossy popular prints.

And now, I was “lucky” to find out the details. Being one of those who, without hesitation, pours out her soul even to people who are not very familiar, the woman happily talked about her relationship with her children and husband.

My eldest is already twenty, ”an old friend said, not without the pride characteristic of young mothers of adult children. “And we have a complete misunderstanding with her,” she continued cheerfully. We can't get along at all. She needs admiration and worship, and, you know, I'm not like that at all.

I nod - Anka really has always been sharp and straightforward.

And in general, - she continued to share the secret. - The girl, consider it a cut piece. Lives separately, comes only on weekends. My husband recently wondered what kind of aunt we had settled in the nursery.

I listen to my friend, without interrupting, marvel at the story, and suddenly I catch myself thinking that I envy her a little. And not only to the fact that she has already raised and brought to mind one child (mine are still in their infancy), but also to how competently and correctly she built a relationship with him.

Of course, one cannot judge them casually, and, perhaps, everything is different than it seemed to me, but the way Anna simply talks about the cut off slice - her twenty-year-old daughter, is very impressive.

I'm almost forty, and I still often feel like a part of a big loaf.

The process of separation (separation) from parents ideally ends with the child coming of age. But how many of us even come close to that ideal? Alas, there are too many examples of completely different relationships around.

To tie an adult child to yourself, there are different "strings".

For example, you can switch roles with him. The scheme is ideal for strong and independent daughters. These cannot be commanded, but it is very easy to play on their sense of duty.

You must have met such couples more than once. It is not difficult to recognize them - by the tired and doomed look of a young woman, and the capricious notes in the voice of an elderly one. For some time, daughters may even like these games, but exactly until they have their own children. True, especially successful mothers may not allow this, but this is a clinical case, and about it some other time. Most of the time it's not so tragic. Although it is no less painful, because, having found the realization of maternal instincts “on the side”, the girl will almost certainly desire her mother to grow up. However, she will not let go of her victim so easily.

All means are usually used - from numerous ailments to endless conversations about their loneliness.

This is just one of the options. There are others. For example, you can inspire a child with the idea of his complete lack of independence and insolvency. Unlike the previous couple, in this role they are distributed correctly, and the mother here remains the mother. The very one without which the crocodile is not caught, and the coconut does not grow.

And it is not necessary for her to be a dictator in a skirt. On the contrary, it is much more effective to surround the daughter's family with attention and care. Such as not to breathe. So that no decision is made without the approval of the great mother. After all, only she knows how and what to feed her son-in-law, where it is best to go on vacation and where to shop. Such parents always have the keys to their daughter's house and passwords to their grandchildren's electronic diaries. From the outside, these relationships may even seem ideal, but only if they do not burden the daughter and her other half. And this rarely happens.

And here we come to the main and most terrible consequence of the separation that did not happen in time - if you do not set boundaries, if you allow the mother to live the life of her daughter, she can pay for it with her family. How many marriages are destroyed by loving parents, do not count. In the end, not every spouse agrees to live together, sharing his house and life with a strange woman for him.

But everything is not hopeless, and there is a way out. In my experience and the experience of my girlfriends, the main thing is to understand that any relationship that strains you should and can be reconsidered. It is never too late to change them, even if the previous twenty, thirty or forty years were different. And you should start with yourself. There is nothing to think of re-educating an adult, especially if everything suits him. Conflicts and wars will almost certainly cause a feeling of guilt, expiating which it is so easy to return to the previous positions.

Riot is appropriate in adolescence, mature people have mature decisions.

Which one depends on the circumstances - each hut has its own rattles. The benchmark is your own comfort. Everything that is done with love and from the heart is always for the good, out of a sense of duty - no. Gently, but persistently (water wears away a stone), one should build boundaries exactly where it is convenient. And the feeling of guilt can always be lulled by some obligatory rituals - family dinners on weekends, monthly joint trips to the cinema or theater, weekly shopping, etc.

The main thing to remember is that there is nothing wrong with being cut off by a hunk. Moreover! After eighteen it's even normal.

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« My mom doesn’t understand me… I can’t just walk up to her, hug her and say I love her… we are like strangers… I don’t like the way she lives… she has been suppressing me all my life… I feel guilty about her all the time” - this is only a small part of the complaints that I heard in consultations from women, my clients.

And from the most different women: working and housewives, married and unmarried, with different education and income levels, women from complete families and those whose mother divorced a long time ago. And these women, so different, all interesting in their own way, in fact are already adults, nevertheless, like little girls they wanted motherly love, affection and asked “ Why? Why doesn't my mom understand me?».

Intrigued by this topic, I noticed that women who have a difficult relationship with their mother have something in common. Remembering their childhood, talking about it, they, one way or another, convey some tension in the family atmosphere in which they grew up.

Tension arose either during scandals, or wore a hidden form, when the little girl could not understand where it came from, what was the reason, but she felt it well.

What also united these women, whose relationship with their mother was difficult, was their inherent confusion in the face of a world of emotions. Where emotions appeared, confusion began: misunderstanding of oneself or others, a desire to help to the detriment of oneself, or vice versa - a selfish search for extremely vivid sensations, constant doubts, contradictions - there are many options, but, ultimately, we can talk about a decrease emotional intelligence(the ability to understand and manage their own and others' emotions).

For example, in Olga (names hereinafter changed), a strong emotional upsurge was often replaced by depressive states, and she had no idea about the reasons for what was happening.

Another client, Marina, often found herself in a situation where she “given all the best” for her friends for a long time and patiently, helped them, and they simply used her, which led to grievances, disappointments and depression, while Marina did not understand how to get out of these situations and what was happening at all.

Another woman, Svetlana, in pursuit of strong emotions, found them in relationships with bright, unbalanced and narcissistic men, although she had long wanted a family and children, but did not understand how to break away from her attachment to such men who were not inclined to create a family.

Navigation on the article “My mother does not understand me, we constantly swear. How to build relationships?

Constantly arguing with mom, what is the reason?

You will have to think and analyze. There is such a thing as “transferring a mother’s life script to her daughter.” Girls who grew up in families where they were alone, rejected, or overwhelmed with disproportionate responsibilities developed a huge need for unstable codependent relationships, the habit of controlling people and circumstances.

In addition, such women do not always understand themselves well, their emotions, sometimes they cannot find unity between reason and feelings, and sometimes they do not even know where to look for these feelings.

Perhaps you already have children of your own. Helpful questions to ask yourself:

What is your parenting style?
Are you following the path of your mother?

If all this is about you, then you can and should work with it. Including a psychologist.

Is constructive dialogue possible?

After forgiveness of insults and separation from the mother, you can think about a constructive dialogue with her. Often women who want build relationships with mom and change something, ask questions: