If the wife earns more than her husband. Psychologist's view

Husband and wife went to the country, work, plow, and the wife at this time
had a neighbor's lover. Somehow the husband is going to the city for a week,
Ah and wife with lover with might and main means. At the end of the week the wife says
neighbor: "Now how are we going to fuck something?" And the neighbor says: "Our
sheds nearby, we will make a hole in the wall and we will continue the work. "On
this is what they decided. One day when the husband must return, the wife through
hole with a neighbor fucked. Husband arrived, comes home - no wife,
went to the barn, he sees - his wife rested her ass against the wall and on him
bulged out in balls. Husband to her: "What are you doing?" And the wife says:
"Yes, a chirp popped up on my ass, so I give it to the neighbor's bull
lick." And the husband says: "I also have a chirp on my ass, let me too
I'll give him a lick." At this time, the husband noticed his wife's white ass,
comes up to the hole and sticks his ass in there, but the neighbor didn’t know and dick
him on on. The husband jumped back and said to his wife: "Well, bull, your white ass
licks, and as soon as he saw my hairy one, he immediately began to butt his horns.

On the Internet, the topic of female commercialism, dowry and kept women is constantly exaggerated. In reality, I see women earning on par with men or more than them.

“One man will start to compete with his wife and climb up, another will accept the situation and calmly spend her money, the third will fall into a neurosis from feeling his own uselessness and will drink, the fourth will find a “poorer” mistress, the fifth will demand to leave work ... But what now, women not to earn and refuse a raise?

Probably, such thoughts as “if you are a real man, then you should earn more than me” or “if you could provide for me, I would be a good wife for you” are sitting deep in the subcortex. This “must earn” often leads to conflict.

I saw my friends in a cafe for the weekend. The conversation touched upon such a topic as the impact of income on relationships in a couple. An acquaintance expressed the idea that the greater the income of the wife in the family, the worse things are with her husband. A man ceases to feel like a man. In all senses.

On the Internet, the topic of female commercialism, dowry and kept women is constantly exaggerated. In reality, I see women earning on par with men or more than them. It is interesting to observe the relationship of spouses with an increase in income from the wife. Relationships change and not in favor of the family. Thoughts appear in my head about an equal contribution to the family boiler, but unequal household responsibilities. Therefore, the wife slowly begins to relieve herself of household duties: dinners are bought ready-made in the culinary departments, cleaning can be entrusted to professionals (especially now it is relatively inexpensive), in some families the husband does the housework.

The wife is no longer so attentive to the words of her husband, commanding notes may appear in her voice. She feels more confident with every salary jump and step up the career ladder. Her self-confidence cannot but be reflected in her appearance. Eyes are burning, gait is confident, clothes are more expensive, self-care is better. Accordingly, she begins to attract men more than during periods of lack of money, flirting, fans appear, which means that the requirements for a man who is nearby are growing.

A husband evades his marital duty, a woman feels like a breadwinner and a parent to her husband, and what kind of intimate relationship can there be between a mother and a son? A woman can start looking around. If everything is traditional with moral principles, then fantasies will remain only fantasies, if not, adultery will happen.

When children appear at this moment, the situation improves: the wife again earns little, because she is on maternity leave, the husband is again the breadwinner, which necessarily has a good effect on his self-esteem. When there are no children, everything is different. I see one such family. They don't know about my blog, but I'll change the names just in case.

Christina married a guy from a wealthy family with an apartment. She started as a simple grocery manager, and he organized parties, promoted glossy magazines, and then got a job as a trader in a financial company. A couple of years after the wedding, Artem decided to try to make big money trading securities and simply stopped working. I traded at home, it turned out badly ...

For two years now, he has not been working, because he does not want to work for his uncle, and there are no funds to open his own business. Christina was promoted to the head of the department of a large retail chain of the Russian Federation. Artem still does not work, but does not advertise it, hiding behind "work at home". Kristina periodically makes scandals, because Artem pays with her card for all his online purchases, but every time the scandal ends with the fact that “There is absolutely no place to work, Artem cannot find himself. He is so literate, controversial, it will be difficult for him to get along with an ordinary boss. They don’t have children, but from Artyom’s side, Christina’s child… She doesn’t consider him a man, rather an unintelligent child… Her friends don’t comment on the situation, but deep down, we, of course, condemn Artem for inactivity and Christina for connivance. Someone else's family, their case, they will figure it out themselves ...

Recently, a friend came to me, let's call her Irina, and began to complain about her husband - they say that she earns little. I was not particularly surprised - half of my friends, in their opinion, husbands earn little.

But here the story is somewhat different. Irina literally drags her family on herself, working three jobs. And the husband really earns little by Moscow standards - only 35 thousand rubles! What is this money for Moscow? Here only the average salary is 42,000 rubles! Moreover, they have two small children - one went to first grade, the other goes to kindergarten. And today they say jokingly that sending a child to school is the same as having a wedding.

But the most striking thing is how this husband, if I may say so, the defender of the family, reacts to this! When Irina allows him to make a remark about his earnings, he becomes irritated with “righteous anger” and asks: “Ira! What are you saying? And last month I brought you more. Have you forgotten already?"

Yes, she remembers all this, she remembers! Only this "more" was only once - and conversations ... until the end of the century.
And after Irina left, I thought hard about what women should feel, the “fighting” girlfriends of such men, who seem to work, but do not earn, they seem to be men, but are not financial protectors of their family?
And what do such men feel, if I may say so, who “hang” like a dead weight on the necks of women and are satisfied with everything?
I want to say that, despite the imposition on us from the outside of thoughts about equality, about feminism, that a woman can earn more than a man, nothing has changed in the minds of Russians! This idea does not particularly take root in Russian society, since Russia has always been and still remains a country with traditional seed values ​​​​and the distribution of roles in marriage established for centuries: a man is a breadwinner, a woman is a keeper of the hearth.

Traditionally, the man has always provided for the family, i.e. gave the main income, and the woman did not work or, while working, received much less than her husband, and her earnings did not actually affect the well-being of the family. Therefore, it has never been particularly important how much a woman earns.

But everything changes dramatically if a woman becomes much more successful than her man, whose career, along with his earnings, “slips”. However, such changes affected only two capitals, and even a few million-plus cities. But even in such large cities, it seems to me premature to speak of a complete change in the minds of the people.
Although such times, when at the beginning of perestroika, women literally “pulled out” both the country and their families, pulling them from the abyss of the economic crisis, have already passed. When the men, drinking and shooting each other on the "shooters", literally lost ground under their feet, and the women at that time were carrying bags of junk from Turkey, persistently worked hard and, surprisingly, earned good money, sometimes involving their poor husbands in business, and sometimes alone, simply because it is easier. We must pay tribute to those women - they turned out to be tolerant, more adapted and flexible in such a difficult situation.

It would seem that from that moment, it was from these women that the stereotype about male earners and weak domestic women should have begun to change ... But in fact, the opposite happened - it was these strong women re-taught their children traditional values. Psychologically, this is quite understandable: they yearned so much for a man's strong shoulder! And like any mother, they wanted a better, easier, and happier life for their daughters.

And what about daughters? They, seeing their successful mothers, learned strategies and tactics of survival by their example.

What about sons? They have gained invaluable experience that women can be breadwinners, and men are allowed to be weak and keep the hearth. Such a "shifter" in the mind.

This is what determined what is happening now - women, continuing to work hard and successfully, sometimes earning more than men, continue to dream of a strong man who would always be there.

So my friend Ira, having at her side a weak, worthless (may she forgive me) man, dreams of a strong, charismatic man. Moreover, her mistake lies in the fact that she wants to unite the uncombinable - her husband and strong man in one vial.

The fact is that the most common questions of strong ladies who earn much more than their men were:

1. What do I need to do to get him to find another job and start earning more?

2. Do I need a man who earns so little and cannot provide his family with everything they need?

If the answer to the second question is “yes, I need it”, then the next question will be:

3. How can I save our relationship if at the same time I have both love for this person and anger at his infantilism and small earnings?

These three questions are determined by the same traditional consciousness, where the man is the breadwinner and breadwinner. In addition, a woman perceives her husband's small salary as his unwillingness to earn more. It is unwillingness, and not the impossibility of this due to some reasons. For example, loving woman she cannot really assess the mental abilities of her husband, she thinks that he does not want to, but in fact he simply really cannot jump “over his head”.
And then there is a psychological chain: earning little means he doesn’t care, and, accordingly, doesn’t love her. These are the conclusions a woman makes - this is how women's logic works.

What to do in such a new situation for the family, when a woman is, in fact, a breadwinner, and because of this, the role of a man fades into the background?

If such a situation is compared with a family boat, then the main thing is to make sure that this boat does not capsize. It will be a mistake to ignore the situation: this will only lead to even more rocking of the boat.

In fact, the only strategy is to understand how to live in this situation and mutually coordinate their actions, which will take the family boat to a new turn in financial relations.

Often consulting clients on this particular issue, I want to note that women turn to a psychologist too late when the family boat is already on the verge of “sinking”. And, as a rule, two are to blame for this outcome. And today we will consider both those and other strategic mistakes, but let's start with women's ones, since a woman in a family is a “neck” and it means it is very important to know what a woman is doing wrong, and what her actions lead to sad results?

First, this is the wrong female strategy called "commander". This is when a woman begins to carry herself like a boss, capturing and crushing almost all economic and financial issues. It is because of the commanding behavior of a woman in the family that conflicts begin to arise, and not because of the “henpecked” behavior of a man and the resulting male complexes, as women dictators themselves mistakenly think.

What is this behaviour?

Firstly, these are scandals about money, where the most “pleasant” curse against a husband is “scumbag” and “rag”, and the peak of a fiery speech is the main argument - you are not even able to earn money.

Secondly, it is the adoption of independent decisions about any purchases and investments.

Thirdly, total control over her husband's expenses, and maniacal suspicions that he spends too much, in her opinion.

Mostly women justify their such behavior with a passionate desire to stimulate a man to make more money. In fact, it turns out exactly the opposite: after a string of such scandals, where the very personality of a person is humiliated, a man, as a rule, leaves the family.

If you recognize yourself in this description, urgently change your line of behavior, otherwise you will be left alone.

Men can also rock the boat with their misbehavior. There are three strategies that will lead sooner or later to collapse.

1. When a man tries to ignore the current situation (I don’t understand why you are unhappy, because we have enough money?).

2. When a man begins to attack a woman, mocking and psychologically suppressing her, mocking her intelligence, housekeeping, some actions, etc.

3. When a man demonstrates his feelings, but nothing changes in reality. A woman, seeing these experiences, hopes that everything will change soon. But if there is no change, the situation will only get worse.
The situation will worsen in all three cases, and sooner or later it will lead the woman to the question “why do I need him?”.
The situation is further complicated by the fact that a woman, in addition to earning money, still performs her main function - housekeeping. And at some point, a woman gets bored with everything, she perceives such a situation as a “flagrant injustice” and ... refuses to feed and serve her “decorative” man.

Often, male and female strategies are so closely intertwined that there is no single answer to the question “who is to blame”. This may be a woman who was not wise enough, showing her hyper-activity. Or maybe a man who, instead of acting, was lying on the couch, looking for easy ways.

In order for the family to survive in this stormy financial madness, the position of the main man in the family is important. He, of course, does not like this situation, he is worried, but this does not mean at all that he is complex. These experiences are a kind of marker of his inner discontent. The main thing is that he must decide to act - a career in his previous job, or new job, or a second job, a part-time job. Very soon, with this approach, you will get a comfortable ratio of "my and her earnings."

The article describes the problems that exist in families where the wife is the main breadwinner. Recommendations of psychologists on improving the moral climate in the family are given.

Today, society has a situation that is radically different from that which has existed for centuries. In many areas of life, women have significantly supplanted men. They began to earn good money, and in some families they became the main breadwinners. Husbands were in the background, which gave rise to a series psychological problems .

Having taken a leading position in the family, the woman found herself in a rather difficult position. After all, she took on the burden of the responsibility that used to be the prerogative of a man. At the same time, purely female duties around the house remained to lie with her. An interesting trend has also been observed. The more the wife earns, the less the husband is enthusiastic about finding a high-paying job. All this affects family relationships not in the best way.

Most men who earn less than their wives experience low self-esteem. At the same time, they are psychologically unprepared to admit their material insolvency. All this leaves a certain imprint on the behavior of the stronger sex. The husband begins to feel uncomfortable around a successful wife. He has various complexes, which negatively affects normal relations in the house.

The wife finds herself in a dual situation. The role of the breadwinner is not in her genes, but due to the prevailing circumstances, she has to fulfill it. At the same time, women aged 35 and older in most cases are tuned in to long-term performance of duties that are unusual for them. As for the young wives, if they take on the role of the main earner, they are not going to play it for too long.

Breaking family stereotypes also affects the intimate sphere. The husband, feeling his inferiority, begins to abstain from sexual contact. A woman, on the contrary, needs a regular sex life in order to feel desirable and attractive. At the same time, she has purely psychological difficulties in relation to her husband. If the wife is in charge financial matters in the family, then she begins to feel not like a lover, but a mother. And how can there be a full-fledged intimate relationship with a child?

What do psychologists think about this issue?

First of all, they advise women who earn significantly more than their husbands, under no circumstances to emphasize their superiority. You earn more - well, that's fine. But there is no need to remind about it every day, and even more so to reproach the man. Such behavior will cause a negative reaction and will only exacerbate the problem.

To prevent the development of complexes in a husband, it is necessary to imperceptibly and constantly emphasize his importance in family life. He should be praised for well-done household chores, for skillful hands, for help and support. But if the complexes develop, and the man becomes rude and uncontrollable, then the only option is to break the relationship. Otherwise, life will turn into a real hell.

To make your betrothed obsessed with your earnings as little as possible, add up family incomes in one common place. Let it be some kind of box or envelope. You should discuss all expenses with your husband, as well as large purchases. When purchasing something significant, you must first consult with the formal head of the house. Otherwise, it will cause resentment, irritation and negatively affect the general atmosphere in the family.

There is no need to hide the true size of your earnings so that the relationship is more trusting. You should never put pressure on your husband, accuse him of laziness, lack of initiative, worthlessness. This will only lead to quarrels and scandals.

In any case, a woman must decide for herself which path she needs to choose. Some well-earned wives are satisfied with the current situation. Especially if the husband tries to restrain his emotions and does not get hung up on the high cash income of his weak half.

It must be understood that this form of family relations has no historical roots. She is brand new. Therefore, it is necessary to form with your own hands the lifestyle that would suit both a rich wife and a poor husband. If a man does not want to adapt to new modern realities, then the only and most reasonable thing is divorce. That will be better for both. You should not be afraid of parting if the relationship has reached an impasse and does not bring any peace of mind or mental balance.