Those who offended the mother's status. How to respond to insults and aggression from your children
We grow up, become respected adults, but often, instead of starting to accept our parents, we keep on proving something to them as a childish habit.
We pronounce familiar phrases, and although they have long lost their relevance, these words still hurt our mothers to tears.
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1. "Mom, I won't eat it!"
Yes, maybe mom doesn’t count calories and doesn’t know how to read the ingredients, but potato pancakes were always served for breakfast on Sundays. This is a mother's concern. Her expression of love.
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Don't like it - do it yourself. Silently.
2. "What do you understand!"
My mother does not have a higher education, but thanks to her, who sat with me and my sister, my father has it, who has achieved a lot professionally.
For 65 years, she has accumulated such life experience that allows her to see people through, which in other situations is much more valuable than professional knowledge.
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3. "Mom, we won't come!"
A lonely old woman immediately appears, meeting New Year in an empty apartment, one on one with a served table.
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My "old lady" still has an old man. It’s more fun for them as a widow, but they still get offended when we don’t visit for a long time. Fortunately, with small grandchildren, this is not so easy to do.
4. "It was you who made me like this!"
Yes, many of the problems of adulthood come from childhood: self-doubt or resentment at everyone. But from there, the best in us - charisma, the ability to love, a favorite thing.
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And at the age of 25-30-35 we are already adult boys and girls in order to once and for all clear the Augean stables of grievances and claims and to be responsible for our words and deeds.
5. "I have no time, I'll call you back"
Do you know what is the most dangerous in this phrase? "I'll call back." How often do I forget to do this! Mom is waiting...
When I remember, I ask the children to call first: talking with grandchildren is always a joy for a grandmother.
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You can already talk with the older one, but you don’t even need to talk with the younger one, she herself will tell everything, interspersing the story with joyful “I want to visit you.”
Time cures
As you get older and have your own children, you begin to accept your mother more. Her character and opinions, love and care for herself, the way she is.
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You distance yourself more and more, but at the same time you understand even more how easy it is to hurt a loving mother's soul.
What is your relationship with your parents like as an adult?
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Today we’ll talk about how a mother can properly respond to children’s insults and cruel words.
Nothing makes a mother so vulnerable in her relationship with a child as her desire to be good, kind, affectionate and understanding for him. Her good intentions sometimes run into a sudden reaction from a child - hurtful words. “I hate you!”, “You are bad!”, “I don’t love you!”, “I don’t love you!” For some mothers, these words are like a knife in the heart. They are perplexed: “What did I do to deserve such an attitude?”
But Small child least of all in this world wants to offend his mother. On the contrary, he would like to express his love to her as best as possible! Then what is really behind these verbal attacks?
Source of hurtful words
The words that mother hears are an expression of the attacking energy coming from within the child. Offensive words are on a par with the fall of the child on the floor, a fight with his mother, bites, breakage of toys. All this is a multifaceted aggression, the source of which is often incomprehensible to parents. Today, aggression is the most pressing and key of all human problems.
But if you go back a couple of steps in the incident, then there will definitely be a moment when the mother, with her words or actions, caused irritation or anxiety in the child, which he feels, but is not aware of. Simply put, the child had tension from the fact that he did not receive something, something went wrong, did not work, did not work out. Something about the situation made him tense, maybe alarmed.
And in response to this, a cocktail of emotions arose in the brain, the job of which is to encourage the child to act in order to respond to what happened. Be sure to digest what happened. Release tension and anger. And mom is just the closest, favorite and suitable object for attack.
So, offensive words are always based on the tension in the child's brain that precedes them. Where does tension come from?
Causes of tension that provoke offensive words
Consider the following reasons:
- The sudden refusal of the mother to give, allow, do something.
- A rule that is not liked, but it is required to comply.
- A limitation to which the child fails to adapt.
- Separation from mother (punishment, threat of separation, time out).
In general, separation from a beloved attachment is the biggest source of tension in a child's life. Because it is important for a child to be in contact and closeness with his mother all the time. Feel mom's love, acceptance, devotion, belonging to mom, care, hugs. In a word, to feel a warm invitation from mom to exist in her life. (With)
In this sense, any situation, real or only seemed to the child of threatening intimacy with the mother, can be considered a separation from her.
Separation can be at the physical level. From "mom does not hug" to "mom physically punished."
On an emotional level, from “mom ignores me” to “mom yelled, ridiculed my feelings”
On a psychological level, from “mom doesn’t know me, doesn’t understand, doesn’t feel” to “mom told everyone my secret.”
It often happens that the child was offended by the remark, was jealous of his brother, scattered toys, and he was punished, sent to his room to “think”. The brain immediately gives the child a signal that since the mother punished, then she no longer invites me to be in her life, that is, the mother no longer loves.
Mom scolded - "Mom does not love", Mom only threatens to punish - "Mom does not love", Mom sends a naughty child from herself - "Mom does not love." Moreover, this may not be so much the real state of affairs, but in the representation of the child's brain - such is his picture of the world. And most often in such situations, the child says the phrase: “Mom is bad, no one loves me, mom go away!” And that's it, my mother's heart bleeds.
“Well, what did I do, say? I just wanted to ... ”- every second mother in the situation thinks so.
From the offensive words of the child, the mother herself is often offended and exclaims: “Well, go, find yourself good mom if I'm bad for you." And thus, the mother separates herself even more from the child.
The key to understanding this reaction of the child lies in the fact that it is too painful for him to accept the feeling that he may not be loved. The brain immediately builds a defense against this painful feeling and protects the child from an unbearable separation. Saying hurtful words to mom is a way for a child to withstand a lot of stress in a situation.
The most interesting thing is, if mom says: “I love you, but go think about your behavior in the room and don’t come near me until you understand,” then for the child this is an unambiguous message “mom sends away from herself, which means she doesn’t love.”
Two mistakes parents make
Some parents are so shocked by the hurtful expressions of the child that they try to rid the child of the desire to behave in this way in the future.
And for this, 2 methods are usually used:
- Shame the child.
- Punish the child!
"Ungrateful" - such a label is hung on a child who offends the feelings of parents, devalues their contribution to his upbringing. Parents demonstrate the moral pain that the child has inflicted. They shame him together or separately. And the child falls into a sense of guilt, and at the same time is ready to fall through the earth from shame. “How could you do this to me?” the parents ask and do not see who is really small here.
In order not to repeat such situations, parents come to the conclusion that the best way is to punish the child. So they see him as a way to correct unwanted behavior. So it seems to them that the child will henceforth be disrespectful to speak out against the parents. And besides, now he will respect and appreciate them. But this path often leads to neuroses. Which of the children can calmly endure that the mother was offended, especially if the mother ignores and is silent for hours as a punishment?
Parents do not realize that punishment will be effective in the short term. But in the long term, they will lead to the destruction of close, warm relations between them and the child.
Safe Response Rules for Parents
As soon as a mother hears offensive words addressed to her, the first thing to do is to immediately go towards the child. And:
Don't take hurtful words personally.
Give up the desire to teach a lesson to a child.
Consider the context of the situation. What happened “before” the hurtful words? Can mom react differently next time?
Reduce the separating distance: approach, stroke, hug. Go to the child yourself, and not wait for him to come first.
Accept the child's feelings. Talk about them. "You're annoyed, you're offended, I understand."
Allow the child to be angry with the mother. So say: “I allow you to be angry with me. I allow you to pout. I allow you to be offended."
Explain to the child that you can be angry with your mother, but you can’t beat, bite, pinch, kick your mother!
Start a game of bad mom - a monster. “Mom is so bad that she will now take and tickle this child!” The game legitimizes all feelings, emotions, behavior. This method will instantly reduce the child's anxiety about the fact that he said something wrong.
Do not expect an immature child to feel sorry, enter into a position, realize the consequences, understand that this is not the way to do it, etc.
To see your child small, psychologically helpless, dependent on the mother and her reactions.
Quarrels with mom are always painful, but, unfortunately, inevitable. Native people often conflict with each other. In the heat of the moment, you can say a lot of offensive phrases, for which you are then ashamed. But the word is not a sparrow. It is not so easy to erase an unpleasant conversation from memory. The main thing to remember is one thing: you can’t be offended by your mother. She thinks about you all 24 hours a day, for mom you will always remain a baby in a lace dress. She may not accept your husbands, she may be annoyed by your lifestyle, but she will always love you. And yet the relationship adult daughter with mom can come to a standstill. To prevent this, you need to avoid some categorical phrases.
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1. Slob
Many modern women Priority work, not family values. Mom, whose house is always clean and tidy, does not understand how you can not make the bed in the morning or remove the cup from the computer table. To reproach the daughter for being a bad housewife is not an option. Better help organize life. Only this must be done with love and affection. For example, write easy cooking recipes.
2. Selfish
The survey showed that every second adult daughter at least once in her life was offended by the phrase "You only think about yourself." At the same time, mothers often do not say what actions they expect from children. The daughter herself must guess to call her mother, bring groceries, help with cleaning, etc. Mom at first grumbles to herself, and then she can’t stand it and expresses everything that has accumulated in her soul. Does it always at the wrong time. To prevent this situation, spend more time with your parents. For the most part, all they need is attention.
3. "Always wandering around"
Many mothers cannot admit that their daughter has grown up and has the right to privacy. Your girl will make mistakes and cry. The time will come when she will come after the disco in the morning, and my mother will sit at the window all night, swallowing validol and calling everyone she can. It is important, having smelled the smell of alcohol, not to push the daughter away, but, on the contrary, to turn everything into a joke. Start a new day not with a cry, but with a pill and a cup of chicken broth.
4. “Yes, what do you understand in life”
Some mothers (especially those who do not have their own personal lives) live only in the interests of their daughter and completely control their beloved 40-year-old child. Mom decides what to wear on a date, how to answer the boss so that he pays a bonus, what to cook for dinner. Someday, the daughter will want to leave the mentor, get out of custody. Then endless reproaches fly to the girl’s address with the words “You are nobody without a mother, you can’t do anything, you don’t know how and you don’t know.” Any person wants to be himself and live without tips and endless advice. Let the children go, they will definitely come running to you for help.
5. "I'm going to a nursing home"
Manipulative moms like to reproach their children for the fact that no one needs them. It is clear that when they say so, they really do not want it and will never do it. In this case, the mother should be perceived as a child who lacks attention. Take time off from work, buy your mom's favorite cake and have a tea party with her. A heart-to-heart talk with mom heals any wounds.
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6. I suffered, and you must
Our mothers had a difficult life. They worked hard, lived in communal apartments, walked for years, or even decades, in the same coat. Our mothers could not afford many things. Of course, some became embittered and became completely unkind. Your problems seem small and insignificant to them. Everyone needs sympathy, especially from mom, and at any age. Hiding feelings from your daughter is a serious mistake that is difficult to correct.
7. You don't know how to spend money
As a rule, those mothers who are accustomed to saving and saving have daughters who are spenders. Each new blouse causes a storm of indignation in my mother. What is interesting: over time, women of fashion, accustomed to living beyond their means, turn into thrifty housewives. Everything has its time.
8. Fat cow
Insults related to appearance are the most offensive. "Kalancha, fat cow, bow-legged, who will love you like that." If mom thinks so, then what to expect from others. The girl exhausts herself with endless diets, withdraws into herself. Moms, remember, from childhood, tell your daughter only compliments. If you have a model appearance, and your daughter has become a figure in her father or grandmother, then she is definitely not to blame.
9. You can do more
In the movie Buy Me, the conflict between an adult daughter and her mother is well shown. When the girl graduated from school with a silver medal, her mother snorted: "You can do more." Children should be praised even for small victories.
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10. If not for you, I would ...
Guilt is hard to live with. If you raised your daughter correctly, then even without these words she will understand and appreciate the maternal sacrifice.
11. Ungrateful
Daughters are ungrateful, and personal happiness for them is often more important than the well-being of their parents. Mothers who spoiled their babies from childhood are also largely to blame. You have done and continue to do a lot for the child to the detriment of yourself. You can not do it this way. Being the meaning of your life is a task impossible for children. And yes, for anyone.
12. I am your age
The conflict of generations is eternal. The older ones will always blame the younger ones. Previously, everyone was smarter, smarter, and more independent. It just needs to be accepted as an axiom and not try to prove anything by comparing work schedules.
13. Here is your girlfriend - an excellent student, a beauty, not like you
Comparisons are always offensive and provoke only envy and hatred.
14. You should be able to do it
Many mothers draw in their heads the image of an ideal daughter and do not want to put up with what has grown. Often, girls are reproached precisely for what they themselves have not achieved. For example, in childhood she dreamed of becoming a singer, but her parents did not take her to vocals. For the mistakes of the grandparents, the granddaughter, who would prefer the sports section to the singing lessons, is puffed out.
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15. He is not a match for you
Why do many daughters repeat the fate of their mothers? It is the mother who predicts the girl's personal life from childhood. The image of a beloved man is also formed due to the influence of the mother. It happens on subconscious level. Often, the girl associates all love troubles with her mother. Then the phrase that he is not a couple for you can lead to a serious conflict.
16. Aren't you ashamed? What will people say
Mothers are often dependent on the opinions of others. Any conversation with her daughter begins with concern about what Aunt Zina will think or how to look into the eyes of a neighbor now. Of course, the daughter accumulates resentment and protest. “Why should my neighbor like me, why is it necessary to get married and have children, why you can’t wear a miniskirt.”
17. Your father is a loser
Every daughter has a need for a father's love. Don't deprive her of it. There should be a dad, and he is always the best. A husband can become for you both a nonentity and a stranger, but the daughter has a blood connection with her father. By insulting your husband, you will greatly injure your daughter.
18. Trying in vain
Mothers must always believe in their daughters. It is the support loved one helps move mountains, and indifference leads to despair.
19. You tortured me
“I’m tired of you”, “I’m tired of everything”, “Leave me alone” - after these phrases, some daughters fear for their mother, while others feel resentment. It is believed that close people can express everything in person. Relatives will endure and understand everything. No, mother, like daughter, should think about what they say to each other.
20. And the clock is ticking
All mothers dream of becoming grandmothers and expect grandchildren from their adult daughter. If this does not happen, then they begin to lament: they say, what a happiness it is to give birth to a child (you can do it for yourself). Then there are threats from the series, who will give you a glass of water in old age, how I will leave you alone, etc. To have children or not to have is an independent choice. Mom has nothing to do with it.
Important
Yes, my mom does too. Bad mood when she wants to be alone. Mom has flaws that you just need to come to terms with. Mom is always alone, and her daughter will love her all her life. Do not waste time on quarrels and resentments. The main thing is not what mom says, but what she does for you. But often mom gives the last. Gives even that without which it is impossible to live in the world. Remember this.
Once upon a time there was a girl, her name was Nastenka. Nastenka was very beautiful girl but completely disobedient. She loved, unfortunately, only herself, did not want to help anyone, and it seemed to her that everyone lives only for her sake.Her mother will ask her: “Nastenka, clean up your toys,” and Nastenka replies: “You need it, you clean it up!” Mom will put a plate of porridge in front of Nastenka for breakfast, butter the bread, pour cocoa, and Nastenka will drop the plate on the floor and shout: “I won’t eat this nasty porridge, you need to - eat it yourself, but I want sweets, cakes and oranges!" And in the store there was no sweetness at all with her, as she liked some kind of toy, she stomped her feet, squealed, for the whole store: “I want it, buy it! Buy now, I said! And it doesn’t matter to her that her mother has no money and that her mother is ashamed of such an ill-mannered daughter, and Nastenka, know for yourself, shouts: “You don’t love me! You have to buy me everything I ask! You don't need me, do you?" Mom tried to talk with Nastenka, to convince that it was impossible to behave like that, that it was ugly, she persuaded her to be an obedient girl, but Nastenka did not care.
Once, Nastenka had a very strong fight with her mother in the store, because her mother did not buy another toy for her, Nastenka got angry and shouted angry words to her mother: “You are a bad mother! I don't want a mom like you! I do not love you anymore! I don't need you! Leave!". Mom didn’t answer anything, she just cried softly and went wherever her eyes looked and, not noticing herself that the farther she goes, the farther Nastenka becomes from her, she forgets that she has a daughter. And when my mother left the city, it turned out that she forgot both her house and Nastenka, and forgot everything about herself.
After a quarrel, Nastya turned around and went home, she didn’t even look back at her mother, she thought that her mother was coming, as always, forgiving everything to her beloved daughter. She came to the house, looks, but her mother is not there. Nastenka was glad that she was left alone at home, before that they had never left her alone. She threw off her shoes and blouse at random, threw it right on the floor in the corridor, and went into the room. First of all, she took out a vase of sweets, turned on the TV and lay down on the couch to watch cartoons. The cartoons are interesting, the sweets are delicious, Nastenka did not notice how the evening came. It's dark outside the window, it's dark in the room, only a little light from the TV falls on Nastenka's sofa, and from the corners there is a shadow, darkness rises. Nastenka became frightened, uncomfortable, lonely. Nastenka thinks - something mother has been gone for a long time, when will she come. And the tummy already hurts from sweets, and I want to eat, but my mother still does not come. The clock has already struck ten times, it's already one in the morning, never before has Nastenka been awake so late, and mother never came. And all around rustles, knocks, cod. And it seems to Nastenka that someone is walking in the corridor, creeping up to the room, otherwise it will suddenly seem that the door handle is knocking, and she is all alone and alone. And Nastenka is already tired, and she wants to sleep, but she can’t sleep - it’s scary, and Nastenka thinks: “Well, where is mom, when will she come?”.
Nastenka hid in the corner of the sofa, covered her head with a blanket, covered her ears with her hands, and sat there all night until morning, shaking with fear, but her mother never came.
There is nothing to do, Nastenka decided to go look for her mother. She left the house, but did not know where to go. I walked, wandered the streets, froze, I didn’t think of dressing warmer myself, but there was no one to tell me, my mother wasn’t there. Nastenka wants to eat, in the morning she only ate a piece of bread, but the day turns again towards evening, it is about to start to get dark, and it’s scary to go home.
Nastenka went into the park, sat down on a bench, sits, cries, pities herself. An old woman came up to her and asked: “Why are you crying girl? Who offended you?”, and Nastenka replies: “My mother offended me, left me, left me alone, left me, but I want to eat and I’m scared to sit at home in the dark alone, and I can’t find her anywhere. What am I to do?” And that old woman was not simple, but magical, and she knew everything about everyone. The old woman stroked Nastenka on the head and said: “You Nastenka offended your mother very much, you drove away from yourself. From such an insult, the heart is covered with an ice crust and a person leaves, wherever his eyes look, and forgets everything about his past life. The further he goes, the more he forgets. And if three days and three nights pass after your quarrel, and you don’t find your mother and don’t ask her forgiveness, then she will forget everything, everything forever and will never remember anything from her past life again. “But where can I look for her,” Nastenka asks, “I’ve been running around the streets all day, looking, but I can’t find it?” “I will give you a magic compass,” says the old woman, “instead of an arrow there is a heart. Go to the place where you quarreled with your mother, look at the compass carefully, where the sharp tip of the heart shows, you need to go there. Yes, look, hurry up, you don’t have much time left, and the path is long!” The old woman said so and disappeared, as if she had not been at all. I thought it was, Nastenka, that she had imagined everything, but no, the compass, here it is, clamped in a fist, and instead of an arrow on it there is a golden heart.
Nastenka jumped up from the bench, ran to the store, to the very place where she offended her mother, stood there, looked at the compass and suddenly sees - the heart came to life, trembled, rushed about in a circle and stood up, tensed, in one direction with its sharp tip shows , trembles, as if in a hurry. Nastenka ran with all her might. She ran and ran, now the city was over, the forest was beginning, the branches were whipping in her face, the roots of the trees were preventing her from running, they were clinging to her legs, she was stabbing in her side, she had almost no strength left, but Nastenka was running. Meanwhile, evening had already come, it was dark in the forest, the heart on the compass was no longer visible, there was nothing to do, it was necessary to settle down for the night. Nastenka hid in a hole between the roots of a large pine, curled up in a ball. It’s cold to lie on the bare ground, the rough bark scratches your cheek, the needles prick through your thin T-shirt, and there are rustling noises all around, scary for Nastenka. Either it seems to her that the wolves are howling, then it seems that the branches are cracking - the bear is sneaking behind her, Nastenka huddled into a ball, crying. Suddenly he sees a squirrel jumping up to her, asking: “Why are you crying, girl, and why are you sleeping in the forest at night, alone?”. Nastenka answers: “I offended my mother, now I’m looking for her to ask for forgiveness, but here it’s dark, scary and I really want to eat.” “Don’t be afraid, no one will offend you in our forest,” says the squirrel, “we don’t have wolves and bears, but I’ll treat you with nuts now.” The squirrel called her squirrels, they brought nuts to Nastenka, Nastenka ate, and fell asleep. I woke up with the first rays of the sun, ran further, the heart on the compass drives, hurries, the last day is left.
Nastenka ran for a long time, knocked down all her legs, looking - a gap between the trees, a green lawn, a blue lake, and a beautiful house by the lake, painted shutters, a cockerel weather vane on the roof, and near the house Nastenkina's mother plays with some other people's children - cheerful , joyful. Nastenka looks, does not believe her eyes - other people's children call her mother Nastenka, and she responds, as if it should be so.
She cried, Nastenka sobbed loudly, ran up to her mother, wrapped her arms around her, clung to her with all her might, and her mother stroked Nastenka’s head and asked: “What happened, girl, were you hurt or lost?”. Nastya screams: “Mom, it's me, your daughter!”, But mom forgot everything. Nastenka cried more than ever, clung to her mother, shouting: “Forgive me, mother, I will never behave like this again, I will become the most obedient, just forgive me, I love you more than anyone, I don’t need any other mother!”. And a miracle happened - the ice crust on my mother's heart melted, she recognized Nastenka, hugged and kissed. She introduced Nastenka to the children, and they turned out to be little fairies. It turns out that fairies have no parents, they are born in flowers, eat flower pollen and nectar, and drink dew, so when Nastenka's mother came to them, they were very happy that they would now also have their own mother. Nastenka and her mother stayed for a week with the fairies and promised to come to visit, and a week later, the fairies brought mother and Nastenka home. Nastenka never quarreled or argued with her mother again, but helped in everything and became a real little housewife.
