This has never happened before! Three gentlemen are courting Dasha Vasilyeva at once. But none of them won her heart. What to do? Dasha decided to run away and, without thinking twice, bought a ticket to an exotic island. However, it was not possible to escape from the problems there either! It turns out that some of the tourists did not come to the island to relax at all. The lover of private investigation had to do the usual thing and follow the suspicious antiques dealer Gena. And he vilely lured Dasha into the shop, where she was cleverly dressed in Wedding Dress and taken away somewhere. And when she finally freed herself from her national dress, she discovered that she... had been married off!

Darya Dontsova

Lover of the Egyptian Mummy

Chapter 1

All people claim that they love their own kind, but no one wants to live in a communal apartment.

Why are there communal apartments, even in the cinema hall the close proximity is not pleasant.

I sighed and fidgeted on the bench. Well, why did I go? After all, I knew that they would show a film about the hard everyday life of American police officers, and I imagined how the plot would develop. A cop in love with his work experiences a personal drama; his wife leaves him, dissatisfied with the fact that he is married to his work. Dangerous work does not give the guy a single chance for a break; he learns that ten tons of cocaine will soon be sold in an abandoned warehouse, and rushes to a dangerous place in order to disrupt the deal. The villains are frightened by the only representative of the law and run away, the cop rushes after them, his six-shooter pistol shoots twenty times, and in the midst of the battle, his partner tells him on his mobile phone that a bomb with viruses is planted in this hangar, which no one has needed for a long time. Humanity is in danger! Well, I won’t torment you with a retelling for long. The hero will have time to defuse the explosive device: at the moment when the timer shows “0:01”, the policeman will cut the required wire. Hurray, hurray, everything is great! Although this is only a general outline, viewers will certainly see how the villain kills someone in the shower, take part in the search for another, dirty cop, worry about the main character, whom the boss, intimidated by dismissal, sends to a psychotherapist.

-Can you see well? - asked the man sitting to my right.

“Wonderful,” I twisted my heart.

“Our tickets were three times cheaper than the seats below,” my companion continued, “why overpay if you can get the same thing for less money, don’t you agree?”

I suppressed the urge to answer: “In the VIP area there are European tourists and rich locals, and you and I are comfortably seated on the balcony, among those who cannot afford soft chairs with armrests. We sit on a wooden bench without a back, and around us the islanders react vividly to what is happening on the screen. Everything would be fine, but my back began to ache, and the spectators, mostly teenagers, were chewing a certain variety of local nuts, stamping their feet, and everyone, as one, smelled of perfume with a persistent aroma of vanilla, nutmeg and jasmine. It seems that this is the most fashionable perfume here, both men and women have doused themselves with it, and I was almost suffocated, the air conditioning on the balcony is not working well, and pretty girls people in minidresses serving drinks and ice cream don’t come here.”

I should probably explain where, with whom and why I am now. Some time ago, all my family scattered in all directions. Masha, taking with her all the dogs and cats, accompanied by her housekeeper Irka, went to Paris: the girl entered a French college, leaving school behind. Then financial matters required Arkady’s presence in France, and he and Bunny went after his sister. Degtyarev, thank God, remained in Moscow, but moved to live with his son Tyoma. Motivating his decision, he said absolutely honestly:

— We have recently always had an empty refrigerator. I am not able to eat fruits alone. And Tyoma is a brilliant cook.

What is true is true, the son of Alexander Mikhailovich was able to find a real diamond on the culinary market with the name Matryona, which is slightly unusual for our time. Don’t think that the cook is one hundred and fifty years old. No, this is quite a young, energetic woman who can make a salad, a roast and a cake from one broom. And now Degtyarev has a stomach holiday every day. True, sometimes he comes to his senses, remembers me, runs into our house and cheerfully asks: “So, how are you doing?” Hearing: “Everything is fine,” the colonel nods joyfully and with a clear conscience returns to Tyoma, where a luxurious dinner awaits him.

Our friendship goes back many years, I considered Alexander Mikhailovich to be my relative, something like a brother, and I always believed that he treated me the same way. But we must admit: the colonel found the pork chop more necessary than Mrs. Vasilyeva. Degtyarev sincerely loves me, but he wants to eat three, or better yet, four times every day.

All people claim that they love their own kind, but no one wants to live in a communal apartment.

Why are there communal apartments, even in the cinema hall the close proximity is not pleasant.

I sighed and fidgeted on the bench. Well, why did I go? After all, I knew that they would show a film about the hard everyday life of American police officers, and I imagined how the plot would develop. A cop in love with his work experiences a personal drama; his wife leaves him, dissatisfied with the fact that he is married to his work. Dangerous work does not give the guy a single chance for a break; he learns that ten tons of cocaine will soon be sold in an abandoned warehouse, and rushes to a dangerous place in order to disrupt the deal. The villains are frightened by the only representative of the law and run away, the cop rushes after them, his six-shooter pistol shoots twenty times, and in the midst of the battle, his partner tells him on his mobile phone that a bomb with viruses is planted in this hangar, which no one has needed for a long time. Humanity is in danger! Well, I won’t torment you with a retelling for long. The hero will have time to defuse the explosive device: at the moment when the timer shows “0:01”, the policeman will cut the required wire. Hurray, hurray, everything is great! Although this is only a general outline, viewers will certainly see how the villain kills someone in the shower, take part in the search for another, dirty cop, worry about the main character, whom the boss, intimidated by dismissal, sends to a psychotherapist.

-Can you see well? – asked the man sitting to my right.

“Wonderful,” I twisted my heart.

“Our tickets were three times cheaper than the seats below,” my companion continued, “why overpay if you can get the same thing for less money, don’t you agree?”

I suppressed the urge to answer: “In the VIP area there are European tourists and rich locals, and you and I are comfortably seated on the balcony, among those who cannot afford soft chairs with armrests. We sit on a wooden bench without a back, and around us the islanders react vividly to what is happening on the screen. Everything would be fine, but my back began to ache, and the spectators, mostly teenagers, were chewing a certain variety of local nuts, stamping their feet, and everyone, as one, smelled of perfume with a persistent aroma of vanilla, nutmeg and jasmine. It seems that this is the most fashionable perfume here, both men and women have doused themselves with it, and I was almost suffocated, the air conditioning on the balcony is not working well, and the pretty girls in mini-dresses serving drinks and ice cream don’t come here.”

I should probably explain where, with whom and why I am now. Some time ago, all my family scattered in all directions. Masha, taking with her all the dogs and cats, accompanied by her housekeeper Irka, went to Paris: the girl entered a French college, leaving school behind. Then financial matters required Arkady’s presence in France, and he and Bunny went after his sister. Degtyarev, thank God, remained in Moscow, but moved to live with his son Tyoma.

Motivating his decision, he said absolutely honestly:

– We have recently always had an empty refrigerator. I am not able to eat fruits alone. And Tyoma is a brilliant cook.

What is true is true, son of Alexander Mikhailovich 1
Tyoma’s biography and where Degtyarev’s son came from is described in Daria Dontsova’s book “Romeo from the High Road”, Eksmo Publishing House.

I was able to find a real diamond on the culinary services market with the name Matryona, which is slightly unusual for our time. Don’t think that the cook is one hundred and fifty years old. No, this is quite a young, energetic woman who can make a salad, a roast and a cake from one broom. And now Degtyarev has a stomach holiday every day. True, sometimes he comes to his senses, remembers me, runs into our house and cheerfully asks: “So, how are you doing?” Hearing: “Everything is fine,” the colonel nods joyfully and with a clear conscience returns to Tyoma, where a luxurious dinner awaits him.

Our friendship goes back many years, I considered Alexander Mikhailovich to be my relative, something like a brother, and I always believed that he treated me the same way. But we must admit: the colonel found the pork chop more necessary than Mrs. Vasilyeva. Degtyarev sincerely loves me, but he wants to eat three, or better yet, four times every day.

Degtyarev’s evacuation from the cottage didn’t upset me too much. Before my family had time to fly away, I began an affair with the plastic surgeon Burdyuk. Of course, his name is different, I call him Wineskin... however, I will not now tell the story that has already been voiced once 2
The story of how Dasha and Burdyuk met is described in Daria Dontsova’s book “The White Horse on the Prince,” Eksmo Publishing House.

In the end, what difference does it make what is written in the passport? For me he is Wineskin. Our relationship developed according to the classic scenario: bouquets - sweets - restaurant - theater - cinema - concert - walks - guests. But sooner or later we would have to move to more close communication, and at that moment when Burdyuk suggested to me after another dinner: “Let’s go to Greece for a week,” I panicked.

Anyone who knows me well knows that Mrs. Vasilyeva got married many times and always stepped on the same rake. Wineskin is ready to offer me his hand, his heart and all his money. A plastic surgeon with an extensive practice, the owner of a large clinic, as you understand, is not a poor person. There was not the slightest selfishness visible in his attitude towards me. Burdyuk simply liked me, and I also managed to make a strong impression on his graduate student Yarik, a boring guy who left his fiancée for me. Believe me, I’m not a flirt and I didn’t experience the slightest joy when I saw Yarik in front of me one fine evening with a crumpled bouquet in his hands. Having stepped over good upbringing, I openly declared:

- Sorry, Yarik, but you cannot count on my reciprocity in our relationship.

- Do you like me? I'll go hang myself! – the guy said sternly.

I felt uneasy. Alas, Yarik’s mental development leaves much to be desired. Professionally, he is impeccable, helps Burdyuk, tries his best, the surgeon considers the graduate student his left hand, which will eventually turn into his right. But when it comes to simple everyday matters, the guy behaves inappropriately and, in addition, is prone to depression.

Therefore, when I heard about Yarik’s intention to immediately buy soap, rope and go in search of a pipe, I got scared and immediately exclaimed:

- You are wonderful!

The graduate student was delighted and suggested:

- Let's go to Jolly Burger.

Then he noticed the confused expression on my face and used his proven weapon:

- Otherwise I’ll get poisoned!

Unfortunately, Yarik works in a medical cosmetology clinic, and there you can easily get hold of poisons in the treatment rooms, so his threat did not seem empty to me, and I made a huge mistake by accepting Yarik’s offer. I decided that once in his company I would eat a tasteless bun with a fatty cutlet and thereby save a human life. The last thing I wanted was to offend Yarik. The fear of saying harshly: “I don’t want to maintain a relationship with you that goes beyond friendship” drove me into a trap.

Believe me, I never started affairs with minors. A young man who is old enough to be my son, so to speak, is not the type for Mrs. Vasilyeva, but as soon as he hears the words from me: “Yarik, let’s stop going out together to all sorts of bistros,” he begins to talk about suicide, and I have to grit your teeth to crawl into the next “Quick Chicken” and “enjoy” tough chicken wings and cloudy water called “Chinese elite tea.” A month later, I began to really feel sorry for women who, in addition to their husbands, have lovers. It is not an easy matter to maneuver between two representatives of the stronger sex, constantly lie to them, get out of it and know: in the end you will certainly screw up, and a disgusting scandal will occur.

However, in my case everything is three times worse. I understand what opinion you will have about me, but I confess: another person has appeared in my life who constantly repeats:

– A woman should not live alone. Believe me, I'm the best option for you.

The “best option” is named Nazar. Some time ago he worked as a security chief at a bank where our family kept money for current expenses. As a matter of fact, I met Burdyuk, Nazar and Yarik almost simultaneously. A stupid story happened to me that makes no sense to tell now. I have already talked once about a bandit attack on a bank, the security service of which was headed by Nazar at that time 3
See Daria Dontsova’s book “The White Horse on the Prince”, Eksmo Publishing House.

On the evening of the day when Burdyuk invited me to fly to Greece, Yarik appeared before me with the words:

– In a week we are going to the Moscow region, to the “Pink Dawn” boarding house. Otherwise I'll drown myself.

And even later, a joyful Nazar arrived with a statement:

- They are waiting for us in Crimea, I have a lot of friends there.

Until then, I managed to hide my meetings with Nazar and Yarik from Burdyuk. The graduate student believed that the professor had stopped courting Mrs. Vasilyeva; thank God, he had never heard of Nazar, and the latter had no idea about both rivals. The gentlemen drove me into a dead end, they were eager to put Dashenka into their own bed and were not going to give up their positions.

Showing cowardice once again, I mumbled something unintelligible to my boyfriends. Alas, I don’t have the slightest reason to stop traveling. I don’t work, I’m not burdened with tiny children and a husband, and theoretically I can easily lie on a beach somewhere in the Peloponnese, pick dandelions in the distant Moscow region or drink local wine in Crimea. But, believe me, neither one, nor the other, nor the third prospect pleased me. To get rid of all the troubles at once, I made a Solomonic decision: I will tell the professor, the graduate student, and Nazar: “Arkady and Zaika gave me a ticket to the islands, I can’t offend my family, so I’m flying away tomorrow.”

Why did exotic countries come to my mind? Don't ask, I don't know. It seemed that the further I ran away from Moscow, the better it would be.

The agency, which has repeatedly organized vacations for our family, for some reason did not tense up when they heard from a regular client the words: “I want to fly away tomorrow, preferably further away, to where there is an ocean and a good excursion program.”

The tour operator immediately exclaimed:

– There is a free place in the group that is leaving for the Phaso Islands. It's good that you called. Three weeks of travel, there is an opportunity to sunbathe, swim and visit local attractions.

Maybe this reaction looked a little strange, but I shouted:

- Great! I'm on my way!

I hastily threw my things into my bag and rushed to the airport exactly at the appointed hour. I probably shouldn’t have told my gentlemen the flight number to Phaso Island, because first Yarik materialized in Domodedovo with an Alenka chocolate bar in his hand, a second later Wineskin appeared with a huge selection of chocolates from a world-famous expensive company, and a moment later Nazar pulled up , armed with a pack of detectives.

- What are you doing here? – the suitors asked in unison and stared at each other with evil eyes.

I used the pause that arose to immediately go through passport control, crossed the red line, found myself abroad and waved my hand at the stunned men with the most joyful look. Goodbye, dears, I'll be back in three weeks, during which time a lot can happen: Yarik will fall in love with some young patient of the clinic, Burdyuk will be seduced by one of the many blondes, whom he will persuade to refuse Botox injections, and Nazar will be sent on a secret mission, yo like forty. Or the boys will fight right now at the newsstand and all end up in jail together. I don’t love either the doctor, or his student, or the brave security guard, I’m not ready for sex with any of them and I don’t want any showdown. You can consider me a cowardly coward, I won’t argue, it’s true, I prefer to run away from a problem rather than solve it.

– What a dear husband you have! – exclaimed one of the tourists when we boarded the plane. – I came with gorgeous sweets! And handsome! He's probably a film actor?

“He’s not my husband,” I blurted out without thinking. - Just a boyfriend. And he has nothing to do with cinema, he is a plastic surgeon.

- ABOUT! It's even better than a star! - the neighbor exclaimed. - Let's introduce ourselves, I'm Natasha. Daughter, why are you silent?

“Katya,” said a girl of about fifteen sitting by the window, without taking her eyes off the thick book. She clearly did not want to participate in the conversation, but her mother, on the contrary, was overwhelmed with the desire to communicate.

“Dasha,” I introduced myself.

- Are you flying alone? – Natasha did not calm down.

I nodded and wished that there was an SV compartment on the plane, where I could lock myself and get rid of my overly chatty neighbors.

- Is not boring? – Natasha chirped. – I can’t live without company. Your boyfriend is so cute. Why didn't you take him with you?

“Burdyuk has a lot of work,” I satisfied the curiosity of my new acquaintance, “continuous operations.”

“Then they would have grabbed my son,” the neighbor did not moderate her ardor.

“He now lives in France,” I supported the completely unnecessary conversation.

- Yah? – Natasha blinked. – And that cute guy with the Alenka chocolate bar? I also thought, what a charming young man, if only he ended up in the same group with us, it’s time for Katya to become interested in boys!

Katerina turned her head, adjusted her large square glasses and exclaimed reproachfully:

- But Mom!

The mother rushed into battle:

- What bad did I say? Every woman should have a family.

Katya chuckled, turned the book over with the cover facing up, placed it on her lap and tried to pretend to be asleep. I automatically read the title “Mathematical Methods of Philosophy” and glanced at the girl with respect.

“It’s probably too early for a girl to think about a wedding,” I couldn’t restrain myself.

“She turned fifteen last month,” Natasha said, “it’s time to get acquainted, at eighteen you can already sign.”

“I don’t want to get married,” Katya declared with her eyes closed, “change the subject.”

– Will you stay? old maid, - the mother was indignant, - you’ll realize it at twenty, but it’ll be too late! All decent guys will be sorted out by friends. What is the name of your charming son?

“Yarik,” I muttered through clenched teeth.

– And what is his profession? – Natasha fidgeted.

“Now I’m a graduate student,” I explained, “he received a diploma in plastic surgery, and is practicing with Burdyuk.”

“He’s a promising young man,” the interlocutor rejoiced, “he’ll always earn his family a piece of bread and butter!” You did a very far-sighted thing and placed the child with your beau!

I lost the rest of my patience.

- Yarik is not my son! Don't you understand?

- Who? – Natasha was amazed.

“Dude,” I reluctantly admitted.

Katya giggled, but did not open her eyes. Natasha raised her eyebrows.

- In terms of? Friend? Cordial?

“Yes,” I hissed.

- And the surgeon? – the persistent neighbor tried to understand other people’s relationships. - He who?

“Comrade,” I muttered.

Natasha became quiet, I pulled Smolyakova’s new detective story out of my purse, wanted to immerse myself in the text and felt a light touch on my shoulder.

– Do you have two... uh... friends? – Natasha asked. – One is old, the other is young?

I suddenly felt happy.

– The law does not prohibit making friends with people. I have three close people. You didn’t notice Nazar, he brought me books.

“It’s not just... people, but men,” Natasha drawled.

I tried not to laugh and objected:

- Men are people too.

Natasha's eyes became round, resentment was reflected on her face.

- It’s not fair! Ugly! And unfair!

For some reason I started making excuses:

- I'm not deceiving anyone. Burdyuk, Yarik and Nazar are single, I don’t have a husband. We are all free and have the right to live the way we want.

“This is unfair,” Natasha repeated, “you have an army of men, but I have none!” It turns out that you grabbed my fiancé for yourself. It's not fair! And ugly! The number of gentlemen is limited, they are placed one at a time in one hand! I am suffering because of your greed!

I was stunned by my neighbor’s statement and didn’t know how to react to it. Fortunately, it was time for lunch, the flight attendants began to carry trays, and our conversation stopped.

Chapter 2

The flight with three stops seemed endless, and the members of the tour group seemed sick. One of the women, her name was Svetlana, ran non-stop to the toilet, sat in the booth for a long time and did not eat a single crumb of food that the airline offered. It looks like she has serious stomach problems. And the man, who introduced himself as Gennady, was twirling a dispenser with some kind of medicinal spray in his hand. True, Gena did not cough, did not sneeze, and did not feel sick, but the very presence of the canister indicated some kind of illness.

It’s difficult to get a good night’s sleep on an airliner; it’s impossible to take a shower, so when I found myself at the hotel, I first plopped down in the bathtub, then into bed and slept for a couple of hours. It seems that the other tourists followed my example, because when I finally entered the dining room, the introduction process was in full swing.

A motley group was sitting at a long table, at the end of it stood a slender brunette, who, when she saw me, joyfully exclaimed:

- Great! Now everyone is assembled, we have to spend almost a month in close communication, so I immediately suggest switching to “you” and introducing yourself. I'll start with myself. I am a local resident, but a Russian citizen, I married a native of Phaso and now I work as a guide. My name is Larisa, and I am ready to answer all your questions.

Katya raised her hand:

- For all?

“Of course,” Larisa nodded, “what are you interested in?”

– Why is the sun so active this year? – the girl asked without a shadow of a smile.

Larisa blinked.

– I have no idea, I’ve never been interested in astronomy.

“So, you don’t answer all the questions,” the schoolgirl stated with pleasure, “I should have said it differently: I’m ready to tell you local stories, legends, and I will promote cafes and restaurants that pay me a percentage for the tourists they bring.”

There was silence at the table, Larisa's cheeks turned pink. Probably, the guide is used to various conflicts; she knows how to deal with tipsy guests and provide first aid. medical care, can easily cope with a capricious person, but Katerina’s statement unsettled the guide. I decided to help Larisa and said loudly:

Larisa clapped her hands:

- Great, who's next?

Unexpectedly for me, a woman, wrapped from head to toe in all black, raised her hand. The lower part of the stranger's face was covered with a veil; a dark scarf went down to her eyebrows.

“I’m Fatima,” she said in a pleasant, warm voice, “I don’t work anywhere, I run a household, my daughter Zarina and I want to visit the former mosque, and now a museum, which is located on Phaso. We will be happy to take part in walks and shopping trips. But we will swim separately from everyone else, do not think that we are disrespecting you, our husband and father orders us to do so. Really, Zarina?

The second woman, also wrapped in black, nodded in agreement.

– Zarina still can’t talk? – Katya sarcastically.

“My daughter caught a cold,” Fatima explained, “just before the flight, she drank some ice water and became hoarse.” Her voice will return in a couple of days, then you can chat.

Zarina nodded again, then carefully adjusted her hijab. I noticed that she had an ugly, wide palm with short fingers. Probably Zarina didn’t like her hands, and she decided to embellish them with gel nails, predatorily bending down. And some are convinced that the veil and National clothes They deprive a woman of her individuality and limit her freedom! Judging by her hands, Zarina does not have a model figure at all; she clearly does not have one and a half meter legs that grow from her armpits. But a dark outfit, hiding figure flaws, allows you to fantasize; however, the face is also covered, only the eyes are visible, which are not particularly expressive. So, what would an average, strongly built, short, twenty-year-old Russian woman, having such a figure, do? She will put on a miniskirt, a short top, try to demonstrate her characteristics in a favorable light, paint her eyelids, glue on her eyelashes and... achieve the opposite result. A tiny skirt will make your legs visually thicker, and a ton of makeup on your face will age it. Zarina is covered from head to toe, and a potential groom may mistake her for a beauty.

“But I’m ready to calmly be naked on the beach,” laughed a man of about forty, “my name is Gennady Sorokin, I own a small antique store and collect animal figurines, I want to add interesting specimens from local shops to my collection.” I love beer, they say they brew it well in Phaso.

Katya giggled.

– You are one of those people who believes that a wife should cook well, she should never have a headache, and when football is shown on TV, she should turn into a case of beer. Super. Alain Delon doesn't drink cologne!

- What bad did I say? – Gena got nervous. – What does Alain Delon have to do with it?

“Nina and Seryozha Volkin are our next,” Larisa quickly steered the conversation away from the dangerous topic.

– You forgot Kuzya! – Nina exclaimed offendedly and showed off a Chihuahua dog. - He is our son.

Larisa cupped her palms.

- Sorry, sorry. Nina is a former doctor, now she has her own stores, she went into business. Sergey works on computers.

Nina nodded:

- Right. We want to gain new impressions. Right, music?

Dasha Vasilyeva: Lover of private investigation Dasha Vasilyeva- 38

Chapter 1

All people claim that they love their own kind, but no one wants to live in a communal apartment.

Why are there communal apartments, even in the cinema hall the close proximity is not pleasant.

I sighed and fidgeted on the bench. Well, why did I go? After all, I knew that they would show a film about the hard everyday life of American police officers, and I imagined how the plot would develop. A cop in love with his work experiences a personal drama; his wife leaves him, dissatisfied with the fact that he is married to his work. Dangerous work does not give the guy a single chance for a break; he learns that ten tons of cocaine will soon be sold in an abandoned warehouse, and rushes to a dangerous place in order to disrupt the deal. The villains are frightened by the only representative of the law and run away, the cop rushes after them, his six-shooter pistol shoots twenty times, and in the midst of the battle, his partner tells him on his mobile phone that a bomb with viruses is planted in this hangar, which no one has needed for a long time. Humanity is in danger! Well, I won’t torment you with a retelling for long. The hero will have time to defuse the explosive device: at the moment when the timer shows “0:01”, the policeman will cut the required wire. Hurray, hurray, everything is great! Although this is only a general outline, viewers will certainly see how the villain kills someone in the shower, take part in the search for another, dirty cop, worry about the main character, whom the boss, intimidated by dismissal, sends to a psychotherapist.

Can you see well? - asked the man sitting to my right.

“Wonderful,” I twisted my heart.

Our tickets were three times cheaper than the seats below,” my companion continued, “why overpay if you can get the same thing for less money, don’t you agree?”

I suppressed the urge to answer: “In the VIP area there are European tourists and rich locals, and you and I are comfortably seated on the balcony, among those who cannot afford soft chairs with armrests. We sit on a wooden bench without a back, and around us the islanders react vividly to what is happening on the screen. Everything would be fine, but my back began to ache, and the spectators, mostly teenagers, were chewing a certain variety of local nuts, stamping their feet, and everyone, as one, smelled of perfume with a persistent aroma of vanilla, nutmeg and jasmine. It seems that this is the most fashionable perfume here, both men and women have doused themselves with it, and I’m almost suffocated, the air conditioning on the balcony is not working well, and the pretty girls in mini-dresses serving drinks and ice cream don’t come here.”

I should probably explain where, with whom and why I am now. Some time ago, all my family scattered in all directions. Masha, taking with her all the dogs and cats, accompanied by the housekeeper Irka, went to Paris: the girl entered a French college, she left school behind. Then financial matters required Arkady’s presence in France, and he and Bunny went after his sister. Degtyarev, thank God, remained in Moscow, but moved to live with his son Tyoma. Motivating his decision, he said absolutely honestly:

Recently our refrigerator has always been empty. I am not able to eat fruits alone. And Tyoma is a brilliant cook.

What is true is true, the son of Alexander Mikhailovich was able to find a real diamond on the culinary market with the name Matryona, which is slightly unusual for our time. Don’t think that the cook is one hundred and fifty years old. No, this is quite a young, energetic woman who can make a salad, a roast and a cake from one broom. And now Degtyarev has a stomach holiday every day. True, sometimes he comes to his senses, remembers me, runs into our house and cheerfully asks: “So, how are you doing?” Hearing: “Everything is fine,” the colonel nods joyfully and with a clear conscience returns to Tyoma, where a luxurious dinner awaits him.

Darya Dontsova

Lover of the Egyptian Mummy

All people claim that they love their own kind, but no one wants to live in a communal apartment.

Why are there communal apartments, even in the cinema hall the close proximity is not pleasant.

I sighed and fidgeted on the bench. Well, why did I go? After all, I knew that they would show a film about the hard everyday life of American police officers, and I imagined how the plot would develop. A cop in love with his work experiences a personal drama; his wife leaves him, dissatisfied with the fact that he is married to his work. Dangerous work does not give the guy a single chance for a break; he learns that ten tons of cocaine will soon be sold in an abandoned warehouse, and rushes to a dangerous place in order to disrupt the deal. The villains are frightened by the only representative of the law and run away, the cop rushes after them, his six-shooter pistol shoots twenty times, and in the midst of the battle, his partner tells him on his mobile phone that a bomb with viruses is planted in this hangar, which no one has needed for a long time. Humanity is in danger! Well, I won’t torment you with a retelling for long. The hero will have time to defuse the explosive device: at the moment when the timer shows “0:01”, the policeman will cut the required wire. Hurray, hurray, everything is great! Although this is only a general outline, viewers will certainly see how the villain kills someone in the shower, take part in the search for another, dirty cop, worry about the main character, whom the boss, intimidated by dismissal, sends to a psychotherapist.

-Can you see well? – asked the man sitting to my right.

“Wonderful,” I twisted my heart.

“Our tickets were three times cheaper than the seats below,” my companion continued, “why overpay if you can get the same thing for less money, don’t you agree?”

I suppressed the urge to answer: “In the VIP area there are European tourists and rich locals, and you and I are comfortably seated on the balcony, among those who cannot afford soft chairs with armrests. We sit on a wooden bench without a back, and around us the islanders react vividly to what is happening on the screen. Everything would be fine, but my back began to ache, and the spectators, mostly teenagers, were chewing a certain variety of local nuts, stamping their feet, and everyone, as one, smelled of perfume with a persistent aroma of vanilla, nutmeg and jasmine. It seems that this is the most fashionable perfume here, both men and women have doused themselves with it, and I was almost suffocated, the air conditioning on the balcony is not working well, and the pretty girls in mini-dresses serving drinks and ice cream don’t come here.”

I should probably explain where, with whom and why I am now. Some time ago, all my family scattered in all directions. Masha, taking with her all the dogs and cats, accompanied by her housekeeper Irka, went to Paris: the girl entered a French college, leaving school behind. Then financial matters required Arkady’s presence in France, and he and Bunny went after his sister. Degtyarev, thank God, remained in Moscow, but moved to live with his son Tyoma. Motivating his decision, he said absolutely honestly:

– We have recently always had an empty refrigerator. I am not able to eat fruits alone. And Tyoma is a brilliant cook.

What is true is true, the son of Alexander Mikhailovich was able to find a real diamond on the culinary market with the name Matryona, which is slightly unusual for our time. Don’t think that the cook is one hundred and fifty years old. No, this is quite a young, energetic woman who can make a salad, a roast and a cake from one broom. And now Degtyarev has a stomach holiday every day. True, sometimes he comes to his senses, remembers me, runs into our house and cheerfully asks: “So, how are you doing?” Hearing: “Everything is fine,” the colonel nods joyfully and with a clear conscience returns to Tyoma, where a luxurious dinner awaits him.

Our friendship goes back many years, I considered Alexander Mikhailovich to be my relative, something like a brother, and I always believed that he treated me the same way. But we must admit: the colonel found the pork chop more necessary than Mrs. Vasilyeva. Degtyarev sincerely loves me, but he wants to eat three, or better yet, four times every day.

Degtyarev’s evacuation from the cottage didn’t upset me too much. Before my family had time to fly away, I began an affair with the plastic surgeon Burdyuk. Of course, his name is different, I call him Wineskin... however, I will not now tell the story that has already been voiced once. In the end, what difference does it make what is written in the passport? For me he is Wineskin. Our relationship developed according to the classic scenario: bouquets - sweets - restaurant - theater - cinema - concert - walks - guests. But sooner or later I would have to move on to closer communication, and at the moment when Burdyuk suggested to me after another dinner: “Let’s go to Greece for a week,” I panicked.

Anyone who knows me well knows that Mrs. Vasilyeva got married many times and always stepped on the same rake. Wineskin is ready to offer me his hand, his heart and all his money. A plastic surgeon with an extensive practice, the owner of a large clinic, as you understand, is not a poor person. There was not the slightest selfishness visible in his attitude towards me. Burdyuk simply liked me, and I also managed to make a strong impression on his graduate student Yarik, a boring guy who left his fiancée for me. Believe me, I’m not a flirt and I didn’t experience the slightest joy when I saw Yarik in front of me one fine evening with a crumpled bouquet in his hands. Having stepped over good upbringing, I openly declared:

- Sorry, Yarik, but you cannot count on my reciprocity in our relationship.

- Do you like me? I'll go hang myself! – the guy said sternly.

I felt uneasy. Alas, Yarik’s mental development leaves much to be desired. Professionally, he is impeccable, helps Burdyuk, tries his best, the surgeon considers the graduate student his left hand, which will eventually turn into his right. But when it comes to simple everyday matters, the guy behaves inappropriately and, in addition, is prone to depression.

Therefore, when I heard about Yarik’s intention to immediately buy soap, rope and go in search of a pipe, I got scared and immediately exclaimed:

- You are wonderful!

The graduate student was delighted and suggested:

- Let's go to Jolly Burger.

Then he noticed the confused expression on my face and used his proven weapon:

- Otherwise I’ll get poisoned!

Unfortunately, Yarik works in a medical cosmetology clinic, and there you can easily get hold of poisons in the treatment rooms, so his threat did not seem empty to me, and I made a huge mistake by accepting Yarik’s offer. I decided that once in his company I would eat a tasteless bun with a fatty cutlet and thereby save a human life. The last thing I wanted was to offend Yarik. The fear of saying harshly: “I don’t want to maintain a relationship with you that goes beyond friendship” drove me into a trap.

Believe me, I never started affairs with minors. A young man who is old enough to be my son, so to speak, is not the type for Mrs. Vasilyeva, but as soon as he hears the words from me: “Yarik, let’s stop going out together to all sorts of bistros,” he begins to talk about suicide, and I have to grit your teeth to crawl into the next “Quick Chicken” and “enjoy” tough chicken wings and cloudy water called “Chinese elite tea.” A month later, I began to really feel sorry for women who, in addition to their husbands, have lovers. It is not an easy matter to maneuver between two representatives of the stronger sex, constantly lie to them, get out of it and know: in the end you will certainly screw up, and a disgusting scandal will occur.

However, in my case everything is three times worse. I understand what opinion you will have about me, but I confess: another person has appeared in my life who constantly repeats:

– A woman should not live alone. Believe me, I'm the best option for you.

The “best option” is named Nazar. Some time ago he worked as a security chief at a bank where our family kept money for current expenses. As a matter of fact, I met Burdyuk, Nazar and Yarik almost simultaneously. A stupid story happened to me that makes no sense to tell now. I have already talked once about a bandit attack on a bank, the security service of which was headed by Nazar at that time.

On the evening of the day when Burdyuk invited me to fly to Greece, Yarik appeared before me with the words:

– In a week we are going to the Moscow region, to the “Pink Dawn” boarding house. Otherwise I'll drown myself.

And even later, a joyful Nazar arrived with a statement:

- They are waiting for us in Crimea, I have a lot of friends there.

Until then, I managed to hide my meetings with Nazar and Yarik from Burdyuk. The graduate student believed that the professor had stopped courting Mrs. Vasilyeva; thank God, he had never heard of Nazar, and the latter had no idea about both rivals. The gentlemen drove me into a dead end, they were eager to put Dashenka into their own bed and were not going to give up their positions.