Obsession. Obsession in a relationship
We've been together for over a year. At first it was clean physical relationship then I fell in love. We did not have a candy-bouquet period, nor beautiful confessions. Recently, he began to disappear from my life, appears and calls only when it suits him, and does not answer my calls. I suffer, I call myself, I write messages ... I have never behaved like this with anyone, I don’t understand what is happening to me, but I can’t stop it. When we meet, I feel like nothing, I can't be myself... what should I do with him? And with you?
Julia, 20 years old
Hello Julia! You are carried away by a young man who, by his behavior, can activate some kind of childhood trauma. I would ask you a question about your relationship with your father and about your family history in general. Trauma works in such a way that it requires the "repetition" of some signs of a situation that was once insurmountable and very difficult for the child.
Paradoxically, in adulthood, we continue to “feed” childhood traumas, although we can already choose our actions, we can simply get out of relationships that hurt us. Remember how it all began. Nothing foreshadowed that you would suffer and that you would even fall in love with this guy. You were absolutely equal in relation to each other.
Try to see that you have the ability to choose a very different behavior. Try not to call, do not bother him, try not to do things that then make you suffer for the second time: the first time - when you meet his dismissive attitude towards yourself, and the second time - when you realize that you are "losing" yourself.
He shows that you are not a significant person in his life.
Resolve that you will not for a single minute maintain a system of relationships in which you are simply used and forgotten about in a minute. You didn't dream about it!
Maintaining this relationship creates for you negative experience, multiplies emotional suffering for no reason. But it also keeps you out of other relationships that could be much better. Emotionally “busy” with a guy who is never around and who neglects you, you do not pay attention to other people, close new opportunities for yourself.
Relations between a man and a woman are not only pleasure, but also constant work on oneself and the relationship itself. Yes, and over the partner too, but soft and unobtrusive. And over time, it does not become easier, but on the contrary, it requires more and more wisdom and ingenuity in order to maintain attention and tenderness at the same level. And since the psychology of relationships is in most cases a female prerogative and a zone of responsibility in a couple, it is precisely the beautiful half that more often has to think about how save, stimulate and increase the interest of the strong half.
Every woman who has little experience of close relationships with the opposite sex knows firsthand that it is much easier to attract a man's attention than to keep him later. But the fact, meanwhile, remains a fact: an unmarried woman who is yet to be tamed is much more attractive to a man than a conquered and subjugated one. And although this, of course, is a generalized statement, it conveys the essence of the game that goes on between the sexes. And her understanding gives a woman a direction to the right path in maintaining the interest of a loved one in her.
What to do in order not to annoy the man you love
Each couple is unique, because it is made up of the individuality of two different people, multiplied by all sorts of life circumstances. And yet, mutual attraction is based on the same mechanisms, which means that it is possible to identify common features and recognize some basic methods of influence. In most cases, in order to be desired for a long time after establishing a stable relationship with a man, it is enough for a woman to follow these guidelines:
— Take care of your appearance. And do not say that this is banal advice - you need to take care of yourself even when a man recognized your perfection and capitulated to your charm. Although over time, cravings are replaced by affection and respect, but only partially. And the taste and concern for slender, well-groomed, stylish dressed women the man does not disappear.
Being a woman is not easy, but being real woman- art. But it is these women who inspire men, keep their participation for many years and remain loved and unique for life.
Do not be lazy to do port, eat right, stay slim and fit. Do not forget to update your wardrobe, including the home one, in which you show your loved one every day. Admire yourself - then both your friend and everyone around will do the same, considering you an eternally young, light and attractive girl, regardless of your passport age.
It often happens that a woman outgrows a man who does not want to develop internally. But if such is fate, there is no escape from it. At least you will know for sure that you are not bored with your partner and have a privatized inner core.
— Have with a man common interests . This alternative is partly related to the previous one. Because opposites, although they attract, must still have enough points of contact that will humble them together. Otherwise, the interests and rich inner world of each without effort will not be able to be appreciated by the partner. The time spent together for an exciting activity for both brings closer courtship and love games. It has been proven that couples who go in for sports together, work together, or prefer the same vacation, favorably differ in understanding and supporting each other than lovers with different interests. It is possible that before meeting with your lover, you did not have a chance to go skiing, watch football matches, and you did not even suspect the existence of unpublished works by Frans Kafka.
Predictability is boring and sooner or later you want to dilute it with a certain amount of novelty. Do not wait until your man has such a desire, get ahead of him and surprise him with an unexpected act, manifestation of himself or another detail. On the other hand, unexpected compliments, gifts for no reason and other pleasant surprises simply delight and create a festive atmosphere among partners, which is necessary to maintain mutual interest.
— Feeling sorry for the man is a must. And, unfortunately, it is this rule that many girls neglect. At first he seems so strong, smart and important. However, over time, inevitably, like any person, he shows domestic weaknesses and shortcomings, which removes him from the pedestal in female eyes. The riddle of a wise woman is, if not to idealize a man, then at least to recognize his authority. Any disrespect, unkind trickery, doubts about the possibilities and nitpicking slowly but surely lead to a deterioration in relations. And the swiftness of this process largely depends on the nature of the stronger sex and the strength of his patience, and stop it under the power of your correctness and diplomacy.
Ethically, physically, whatever, but he must feel that you are "his own", close and dear. But such people cannot get bored: we all need them and strive for them. Become such a "safe haven" in which a man will want to come again and again, and if possible not to leave it.
If you associate your loved one with such emotions, then consider that half of your task of maintaining his interest in you is completed.
— Stay Seductive, because even in a safe harbor, but rather in a still pool without devils, it becomes boring. Seduce, tempt, lure. Wear elegant dessa, and not just comfortable knitted panties and T-shirts, use perfume and cosmetics. And flirt with your beloved man as if you were just about to become a couple.
Ideally, your man must experience conflicting feelings: the fear of losing you and at the same time confidence in your fidelity. Subtly provoke him to do this - the aerobatics of the female game. Therefore, if you are still not sure of success, do not take risks and do not resort to this method unless it is very necessary.
Everyday life leaves a mark on relationships, and it can be difficult to resist it. Both men and women get tired at work, experience stress and health problems, show their dissatisfaction and character flaws not to each other. Strong, trusting relationships usually survive these tests and are tempered with their help. Such situations accumulate moral strength in a couple.
There are men who do not tolerate certain features of female behavior. Therefore, try not to take risks, and in order not to annoy your beloved man, avoid the most common things:
— Don't be imposed- that is, do not create the effect of your constant presence, especially contrary to the wishes of a man.
— Don't Complain- that is, not to be in a dull mood, not to give the impression of an eternally dissatisfied and upset person. On the contrary, concentrate on the pleasant: both in behavior and in conversations.
— Don't always call first and don't take the initiative in meetings. Be so busy from time to time that it's like you can't make time for a date with him.
— Do not act up- that is, not to turn into a pragmatic consumer, constantly waiting for gifts, compliments and other benefits. Not a single person, including your beloved, wants to be considered solely as a source of material wealth.
— Don't re-educate- that is, do not try to remake a man according to your ideas about the ideal. If they do not match at all, then you need not to break a person, but to find another, suitable in character. Or at least partially change yourself - this is a normal phenomenon in a relationship called mutual grinding.
— Do not teach- that is, do not demonstrate your superiority and do not turn into a mentor. That's what educators are for. kindergarten and strict teachers at school, you are in with your beloved man have long gone beyond that age.
— Far from restricting movement and activities- that is, not to demand that a man spend all his time with you and have no other interests. Be reasonable, give up suspiciousness and believe only the facts.
— Don't get hung up- that is, to be a diversified, cheerful person. Even if you enjoy baking biscuits or growing violets.
— Don't find fault- do not demand more from a man than he can do. Some women are ready to endlessly reproach instead of thanking. And believe me, men get bored very quickly.
All of the above tips are good for established couples who need to maintain love and tenderness based on the right balance of relationships. In this case, no matter how sad it may be, it is better to recognize the true state of affairs and, instead of thinking about how not to annoy the man you love, think about whether you need such a relationship and this particular man. Be loved and happy!
How can a girl show a guy that she likes him?
While writing your answer, you were ahead of me 🙂
Even marriage is a game. If it turns into duty, duties, routine, then it (marriage) failed. And how to keep the sexual interest of the spouses for many years without a game.
Cheating is nothing more than breaking the rules of the game.
Relationships with lovers often lead nowhere precisely because there are no rules in this game. Or only one installs them. And that's always unfair.
So learn to play. And stop seeing it as something unnatural.
How not to impose on a man
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Sources:
How not to impose on a man
Relations between a man and a woman are not only pleasure, but also constant work on oneself and the relationship itself. Yes, and over the partner too, but soft and unobtrusive. And over time, it does not become easier, but on the contrary, it requires more and more wisdom and ingenuity in order to maintain attention and tenderness to
http://chto-zachem-pochemu.ru/kak-ne-nadoest-lubimomy-myjchine/
How not to impose on a man
While writing your answer, you are ahead 🙂 Even marriage is a game. If it turns into duty, duties, routine, then it (marriage) failed. How to save
http://www.psychologies.ru/forum/post/23168/
RuNet news
News Whitening strips 3D white professional effect News Steamer and air grill to help the hostess: Two recipes Taurus
http://rus24.su/obshhestvo/astrologiya/kak-ponravitsya-muzhchine-telcu.html
We are afraid to show feelings, because we are not always sure that the other person needs them, and because of our own fears, we miss the chance to become closer to those who are dear to us, the chance to find our happiness.
According to the director of the Vladimir dating agency "Me and You", family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships Elena Kuznetsova, often our fears of seeming intrusive are unjustified. They are taken from our head from our own complexes:, excessive suspiciousness.
“We evaluate any situation from the height of our bell tower, and therefore everything is only our fears. Another great person said that the limit of your ego is the limit of your consciousness. That is, we ourselves create problems for ourselves and nurture complexes in ourselves. And if for some reason you think that you are being imposed on a person, then, most often, you are mistaken, ”says the psychologist.
At the same time, most of all we are afraid to show intrusive when. This is normal - all our fears are aggravated at the moment when we are interested in a relationship, because we do not want to lose someone who is dear to us. In a situation where we do not need a person, we behave very naturally. We are not afraid to ask: “They will send it, they will send it,” we do not react to rudeness: “What can we do, the interlocutor is a boor,” we think. That is, we do not perceive any response of a counterpart at our own expense, as in the case of interest in a partner.
Obsession is…
Elena Kuznetsova defined obsession as follows: ignorance of the measure, lack of tact and manifestation of selfishness - all together. IN real life obsession is manifested in the repeated repetition of the same situation. Moreover, the actions are performed rapidly, one after another, with virtually no time gaps.
But in the situation described above, the woman with her proposals did not look intrusive, since some time passed between her proposals, during which she might have met the subject of her interest under other circumstances, for example, at work, and saw the man’s reaction to her person, could evaluate this reaction.
“Imposition is a package of actions that are carried out rapidly, that is, an attempt to “shove” the whole thing, which should last several months, into one day. The imposition has a short period, ”the psychologist emphasizes.
When you are in a relationship...
At the stage of conquering a man or woman, one must act very subtly so as not to frighten away the object of passion. When, they feel more confident, but here another danger may lie in wait for them - the conviction that the possession of a partner gives the right to tightly control him. For example, arrange interrogations or call at any time of the day.
A typical situation is when a woman and a man agree to call, and the man should call first. and begins to annoy the partner with calls with statements like: “I'm tired of waiting, you promised to call me tomorrow, and I decided tonight. And in general, I tried to get through to you, you did not pick up the phone. I tried to call again... This . It is important to treat your partner with reverence, to compromise, to be able to hear your loved one.
Another example: a man and a woman agree in the morning to have dinner in the evening. We didn’t have time to part, as the lady calls: “See you in the evening?”. An hour later - again: "Is everything in force?". An hour later: “Have you chosen a restaurant yet?” and so on - hourly calls throughout the day.
“You don’t need to “get” your partner with endless personal calls. Frequent phone calls are justified only if you decide some business matters", - states Kuznetsova.
The psychologist also notes that it is always important to be attentive - how quickly he answered, for example, your call or message.
“Women are very fond of pulling phraseology. Men often by nature respond briefly. And here the young lady should try to do everything in a dosed manner, wait for the reaction of her partner. For example, she took the initiative, asked something, the man should answer her. After that, if the woman still has some questions, she should consider whether she calls her partner on time, maybe it is worth postponing the conversation, because her man is still at work and is not disposed to personal conversations. All these moments must be subtly felt and taken into account, ”advises a consultant on interpersonal relationships.
About male obsession...
Most often, women who conquer men are called obsessive. Representatives of the stronger sex, persistently conquering passion, are considered heroes. This is due to our mentality and upbringing.
Historically, a Russian, and a woman, should be glorified for her modesty, Kuznetsova notes. It just so happened that the lady, as a weaker creature, sits at the window and waits for her prince, who, after meeting her beloved, should take care of her for some time and give buttercups-flowers. And if the young lady does not fall into the arms of the prince, then for a man it is normal to be persistent and.
However, the representatives of the stronger sex are also obsessive. At the conquest stage, this can manifest itself in the fact that they are categorical and continue to push even after the woman has already openly said several times that she does not want a relationship.
When people are in union, a man's obsession can manifest itself in hyper-custody towards a lady. There are representatives of the stronger sex who call their girlfriend hourly and ask her if she has eaten, if she is warmly dressed, if she has wet her feet, and so on. Perhaps, some young ladies will like such excessive care, but it will annoy someone.
If you have questions for psychologist Elena Kuznetsova, you can ask them by writing a letter to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected] .
