The thought “I’m afraid he will leave me” destroys the relationship. The thought “I’m afraid he will leave me” ruins relationships Past negative experiences
We had a fight with a young man and yesterday he said he wanted to leave. He said that he would call again today so that we could clarify everything and I really hope that he will change his mind ... Only 3 days ago he said that he loves me very much, this is our first serious quarrel. Said that Lately all the time in suspense from our relationship, because from me there are only claims. I don't want to lose him. I'm sitting at work and can not think about anything other than his upcoming call. I'm so scared that he'll leave all the same... Help, please.
Hello Anastasia! CHANGE his feelings or do something to make him change his mind you CANNOT! BUT - you are building relationships BOTH - and it is important for YOU BOTH to learn to hear and listen to each other - what does he experience? what feelings, speaking about your claims? What does he see as a pretension? and do you see it as well? it is not enough to blame your partner alone - these are only accusations, BUT NOT a way out! and if the only way out for him is leaving - then he is unlikely to be able to build relationships on responsibility and maturity, on accepting a partner, and this step will be BETTER for you! What will give you a relationship with such an immature partner? who will run away from problems??? and you have something to think about too - what happened in the relationship? what did you experience? what did the partner say? did you hear him? what are you experiencing?
Anastasia, if you really decide to figure out what is happening - feel free to contact me - call - I will be glad to help you!
Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 6 bad answer 0Hello Nastya! I empathize with you - it is extremely unpleasant to be in a state of uncertainty, all the more unpleasant to be in a situation of a threat to break relations that are dear. But it just so happens that relationships, in principle, carry a certain degree of uncertainty, because they depend not only on you. There is something that you put into the relationship, something for which you can be responsible and what you can influence. And there is another person with his desires, feelings, motives, and it happens that they do not coincide with yours. This is the part of reality that can bring pain, but which must be accepted.
While you're waiting for a call and you still can't think about work, think about what depends on you: what you put into the relationship, what it means to you. Are you sure you want to keep this relationship? The time when your young man thinks if he wants to be with you is the time when you can think about the same. Why are they dear to you, what do you value in them? And what do you not like, do not like, and are you ready to accept it or want to change it?
In this way, the time of waiting for his decision becomes the time when you also make a decision. Decide what you want. What do you want to tell him the next time you talk. This is something that depends on you.
WITH Best wishes, psychologist Tyuneeva Elena, Moscow
Good answer 4 bad answer 0When the search for "the one and only" is over, it would seem that one can calm down. But it was not there! Now it's time to be afraid of losing him. Human life is full of uncertainty. Even with a strong relationship, there is no guarantee that it will last forever. And what now, every day to live in fear?
The habit of being afraid
Since ancient times, a woman has been dependent on a man. He provided her with food, was responsible for security, gave a roof over her head. Naturally, our sister had a reason to be afraid that she would leave - you won’t survive without him! Some psychologists believe that it was from those times that women had a subconscious fear of losing a man as a breadwinner and patron. In the modern world, many representatives of the weaker sex are financially independent and are stronger than any man - at least morally. But the fear of losing relationships, brought up by many generations of great- and great-great-grandmothers, lives in them too. However, the fear of losing a loved one more often worries those who, in principle, are used to being afraid. Suspicious, vulnerable, sensitive natures are worried about children, parents, creditors, work and unreliable friends. A man who can leave them at any moment is just one more item on this list. In this situation, one should work not with "external enemies", but with one's own psychological state and inner world.What about self-esteem
A significant reason to cling to a man is self-doubt. It is the inferiority complex that makes many women maintain long-outdated relationships in which there is no love or even elementary sympathy. “What if no one else pays attention to me?” or “What if I never find anyone better?” - such questions often torment insecure women. Stop! With such a view of the world and yourself, you will not become happy.
Most women have two big misconceptions:
- First- there are few men, and there are even fewer normal ones, so it's better to stick to the one that is. “Let him be inferior, but mine” - familiar?
- Second- I'm unworthy good man. An “unworthy” woman can be for various, sometimes completely far-fetched, reasons. small stature, wide hips, average appearance, pimple on the nose...
Self-esteem can be corrected. Sometimes it is easier, sometimes more difficult, but the result is always there. You can sign up for special psychological courses, take care of your appearance, chat with people who are truly happy in their personal lives. Yes, just read the literature on the psychology of relationships, fortunately, it can now be easily found on the Internet. Having studied the experience from the outside, it is important to reconsider your views. Because only by putting herself first, a woman can take her rightful place in the life of her man.
Where does the fear of losing a man come from
Often, behind the fear of losing a man lies other fears. It makes sense to ask yourself the question “Why am I afraid of losing him?” There may be several options.
Past negative experience
Maybe once you have already experienced a breakup and, worst of all, you were not the initiator of the breakup? It means that you are simply afraid of a repetition of a painful situation. You can understand, but you also realize a couple of simple truths. First, without getting rid of fear, it will be difficult for you to move on. Secondly, the chance that history will repeat itself is actually negligible. You need to fight this fear - on your own or in conjunction with a psychologist. The main thing is to understand that the old page of your life has already been turned over, it's time to forget about it and start everything from scratch.Lack of manifestations of love
If a partner in a relationship is cold enough, does not talk about her feelings and shows them with restraint, even sparingly, then it is likely that the woman does not feel loved and desired. She has dissatisfaction, doubts and fears. This, in turn, greatly spoils the character - you become grouchy and picky about trifles. Relationships are falling apart, but you don't initiate a breakup out of self-esteem that has been killed by continuing to cling to your man. In this situation, you should clarify the issue with reciprocity as soon as possible and, if this is a one-way game, it is better to take a timeout.Lack of trust
When there is no trust in a couple, the fear of loss will certainly appear. Learn to talk to each other, hear each other, take the position of another person and mentally let him go, not keep him near you all the time.The Woman Who Can't Get Away
The Internet is full of requests What to do so that a man never leaves? Is there a secret, you ask? Yes, I have!
A man will never leave a woman who sincerely loves herself. Attention: we are not talking about egocentrism! It is important to understand this wording correctly. A woman who loves herself is self-sufficient and not fixated on a man. She has her own life, with her own interests and hobbies. She gives the man freedom. First of all, freedom and the right to make your own choice. And, of course, he is always engaged in self-improvement - he does not allow himself to turn sour in everyday life, he does not allow his life to revolve only around a man.
Work on yourself, on your appearance and inner peace, become the best version of yourself and your loved one will never have the thought of leaving you.
I have a difficult situation in a relationship, I need to make a decision, and I am constantly mentally thrown from side to side for fear that the decision will not be correct and I will regret it.
I have been married for 7 years, I am 29. I have a son, 6 years old. The child is hyperactive from birth with immature on this moment nervous system and very problematic in behavior. I almost always took care of the child. She could not go to work in her specialty, since her husband could not get up early and take him to kindergarten. As a result, we work with him together, we have our own warehouse and an online store. My schedule is free.
The husband never particularly worked with a child and did not delve into his mental problems. Often shouted at him, broke down, as he behaves badly, often hysterical. And he did not want to figure out how to find an approach to him.
My husband and I don't have much of a relationship either. In general, he treated me well, but he was very quick-tempered, constantly yelling at me for any little thing, and he could verbally insult me. I was constantly offended by this, anger was accumulating inside him and the fact that I endure it, since there is nowhere to go, I have a single, sick mother who cannot stand my child.
Husband is generally good and very a kind person in material terms. But he usually screams, is rude, and after a couple of hours he leaves, saying: "I love you." And it didn’t work out that way for me, on the contrary, love passed like that. And when the child was four years old, my back was very tight, I suffered a lot, they could not understand what was the matter, as a result, I was treated for a long time with sedatives and antidepressants. It helped while drinking.
A year ago, I met an old friend, and we began to communicate with him, meet. Against the backdrop of positive emotions, my back pain disappeared. Sharp. Before that, she suffered for two years. While she was sick, there was very little support from her husband. He did not understand the site how to support me, what to say, how to help. With a friend, the relationship immediately developed well. He is a very calm, balanced guy, attentive, positive, understanding. I feel good with him. But he didn't offer me anything. Then, after a thousandth quarrel with my husband, I told this friend how tired of this relationship at home, that my husband is constantly yelling, does not want to take care of the child, educate, but there is nowhere to go. He offered to move in with him and said that he was ready to live with me and with my problem child.
He is divorced and has two children the same age as mine, living with him. ex-wife. I agreed. But first I decided to move to my mother to live until I divorce her, so that it would not be so traumatic for my husband. My husband and I are not doing well financially. But my friend's financial situation is much worse, he is very economical, he is going to change the type of activity in order to earn more, but so far the question of his work is in very limbo.
Now I am with my mother and I am constantly tormented by doubts whether I decided the site correctly and should I return to my husband? Since I understand that there may be difficulties in everyday life with a guy amid financial problems, my husband will fire me from work if he finds out that I have moved to another and I will not have any income. And you need to look for work such that until two in the afternoon, since you have to pick up the child from school at three. I’m very afraid that it will be bad for my child, plus I’m worried because of the child’s bad behavior, he has problems with nerves, we go to a psychiatrist, I’m afraid if the guy can stand him and whether he will treat him well. Since he has two normal children of his own. But since the guy is calm, it’s very possible that he, on the contrary, will positively affect the child if there is calm at home, and not constant screams like with her husband.
They are frightened by financial problems and the fact that the guy will not withstand a harmful nervous child. Personally, I feel good with him. But what will happen if we live together, I am very afraid. Since my husband definitely hasn’t gone anywhere and would be with me, so that the child doesn’t freak out the site there, since this is his child, and he loves him. Plus, they are haunted by the thought that this is his own father (although he definitely won’t grow up calm with him), that there is a large apartment, a small business, some kind of stability, to which we went together. But I treat my husband more like a friend already, as a man he doesn’t really attract me anymore. He asks to return, is ready to change and behave calmly. Seeing the kids on weekends. He promises to take care, and not like before, he says that he understood everything.
I’m afraid that love will pass with the guy against the backdrop of problems with the child and money and life will be even worse for me than with my husband. And he worries whether he will fall in love with someone else's child, when there are two of his own, there is someone to do. I'm afraid that my son will remain a stranger to him. And with her husband, as it were, at least comfortably in material terms. I'm very afraid to make a mistake. Yes, and I’m afraid that when I return, my husband will again behave as before, and I won’t dare to leave a second time. Time for a site of reflection a little, what to do, I do not know.
In this article, we will analyze what to do with the fear that a man decides to end the relationship. It would seem that it’s good when there is no such fear (this does not spoil the girl’s nerves), and when this fear exists (it makes you do everything so that the man does not leave).
In reality, everything is different, and this is something that girls who are afraid of parting with their loved ones should know about.
Why only them? I will explain. There are, of course, girls who are not at all afraid of the end of a relationship at the initiative of a man: “I don’t care, I’ll find another!”. So, we are now talking a little about something else: about the case when a girl understands that a man is really good and there are few like him. Those. when a man is really dear to her.
In this case, the fear of losing a man is normal. Just as jealousy is quite natural in this case - I wrote about this in an article.
But when this fear torments you constantly and starts to spoil your life, this is an occasion to urgently start changing something. Because he can spoil your relationship over and over again, and you won’t even understand what’s wrong.
Fear of losing a man
If a girl really cares about her man and their relationship, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that she is afraid of losing all this. But you can be afraid in different ways, and now you will feel the difference.
For the most confident girls, the fear that a man decides to leave is not a factor in determining their actions. For the less self-confident - is.
Moreover, this fear controls the actions of less self-confident girls also in different ways: some girls already know how to deal with this fear wisely and competently, others (most of them) do not.
Just do not go away
While more confident girls think, “Something must go wrong for him to leave me,” less confident girls think, “I have to do everything right now so that he doesn’t leave me.”
Less wise girls demonstrate their fear by following his lead. They do not hide that they are afraid of losing a man, showing him this both in words and actions:
- "I'm so afraid of losing you"
- "You won't leave me, will you?"
- "I couldn't breathe without you"
- "Just don't leave me, please, I can't live without you"
- these and similar phrases are repeated by such girls quite often - so fear is shown in words.
In addition, such girls tend to anticipate and fulfill any desires and whims of a man: they are always ready to give up everything to come or help with something, to abandon their plans, their desires, their pride. This is how fear is shown through action.
Why is it dangerous
And this is what happens: a man hears it, sees it, not only that - he also feels it! We humans are natural creatures. We can not only recognize fear by words and actions, we can feel it.
And if a man feels and sees fear, and not confidence, he doesn’t start thinking: “Oh, how cool I am, since they are so afraid of losing me! ..” - no. He begins to think: “Something is wrong with her, she has become too attached, she has lost her self-sufficiency ... Besides, if she is so afraid, maybe I don’t know something? Maybe she's not that good? — i.e. the girl begins to lose her attractiveness in his eyes.
The image of a delightful woman to be pursued disappears. And the girl turns.
And if, on the contrary, a man feels and sees confidence, his brain assesses the situation as follows: “She appreciates and respects herself so much, which means there is a reason. She is not afraid to lose me, which means she will easily find another. No, she will be mine!” - and so the competitive, conquering instinct wakes up.
How to overcome fear
Even if this thought constantly sits in you: “I’m afraid that my boyfriend / man / husband will leave me, I don’t want to lose him ...” - do not demonstrate your fear obsessively, persistently, constantly.
The more openly you demonstrate it, the less reverently your man treats you. Let him be more afraid of losing you, and not vice versa.
The reason for this fear most often sits in self-doubt. If you get rid of it, the fear will go away. And in order to get rid of her, you need to understand where her legs grow from, because the reasons can be different.
Often, self-doubt arises from the trauma of abandonment that happened in childhood. A little more about this, see the video:
Be sure to develop self-confidence - start by reading the articles:
What to ask yourself
I said that the fear that a man will leave most often grows on the basis of self-doubt.
But there is another reason. You may be afraid that he will leave you if he himself constantly somehow hints at this or speaks about it directly. Then you need to ask yourself and try to honestly answer yourself: do I really love me? And if not, why am I still with him, and not with someone who will not scare me with leaving?
Previous postnext post
Hello! Please help me. I have been married for 14 years. My husband is 5 years younger than me. In 2000 our son was born. We lived together harmoniously until the birth of the child. It would seem that there is nothing to dream of another happiness. However ... After the birth of my son, my husband cooled off sexually towards me, I prayed, cried, cursed with him, in response - silence or a wall through which I could not break through. I cried at night for 3 years, then everything went away, I hardened, stopped wanting, began to seek solace on the side. My husband said that he was faithful to me, and I ... also told him a lot of things. In general, they lived.
My husband earned money and paid off me - gifts, things, etc., so that he would not ask for affection or sex ... I got used to such a life, I did not work for many years. Perhaps I myself was satisfied with such a life. I always considered myself to be the victim of everything. And she continued to live like that. Then my husband “grew up”, switched to another spiral of development and decided that he would no longer support me (very modestly), and I needed to provide for myself by continuing to live in marriage with him. I have risen. Then he decided to part with me, which almost drove his son crazy and, as it turned out, ... me.
I have a huge sense of fear of life, I'm afraid to leave the house. The university, where I felt joy and involvement in society, and where I studied for 2 years with ease, has become a routine for me. I stopped sleeping at night. She became unsure of herself. I am afraid that he will leave us, and the whole burden of life will fall on me. Instead of realizing that I might be happy, I will become independent in life, I am shaking with horror that tomorrow he will start packing his bags and leave the house, and the house will be empty without him. I have become a pitiful semblance of a man, fawning over my husband. Overeating. Health deteriorates. I can't act, go find a job, although I can do a lot, I can do a lot. All the skills of social life are completely repulsed.
The fear of being abandoned by him is killing me. I am an interesting woman. I came to the conclusion that I don’t want anything more from life, I don’t believe in anyone or anything. There was naked sarcasm, and anger at life, at myself, no faith in men. Perhaps if I didn’t have such thoughts in my head that not everyone gets bored family life, and not everyone gets tired of her, then I would meet some good man-man. I just don't know how? Although many want to get to know me, and it seems to me, for once, which is humiliating for me, and which I reject.
I want to understand what is wrong with me? (my painful dependence on my husband) My complete transformation into a vegetable state, from which there is no way out. How to start acting, not be afraid to be alone without him? Is it possible to start enjoying life, and not pretend to be a mask of a miserable semblance of joy out of fear, when my husband is at home and he communicates with me. Am I degraded? Do I have any chance for another life?
