If a man immediately offers to move in with him. Instead of a marriage proposal - an offer to "live together"
Before moving in with a man - read this!
It often happens that in search of happiness, a woman decides to move to her beloved man in another city or even in another country. This serious decision is not taken immediately, especially when it comes to adults who have achieved something and have something. But, unfortunately, as a rule, women, when making a decision, think only about their own or his feelings. We can - we can't, we love - we don't love, we save - we won't save ... Thinking only about maintaining relationships, a woman almost never thinks about the standard of living, about its quality, which she will have in a new place. If a man is not a beggar and he has a good job, making a decision is simplified - we can handle it, a woman in love thinks, a year and a half after meeting, packing her bags.
At the same time, I'm talking about those women who have something to leave. This is a stable job, family, adults, but - children, elderly parents, siblings, friends, personal connections and connections - friends, a gynecologist-cosmetologist-stomatologist, a sports club not far from home, a ski run in ten minutes in winter, in summer - “weekends” in nature, on the beloved sea - the best place on the ground, a bath with a company once every couple of weeks, trips to the theater and cinema, gatherings in a bar with best friends“a la Sex and the city”, a bustling life “built” over the years.
So, what comes in a new place when the chemistry of feelings ends and ordinary life begins? What did I do wrong? What should not be allowed in any case ... More on that below.
1. Civil marriage
No moving to a man in another city without official marriage! Do you leave everything you had and go to his new place just to live? A year or two, and then, if it does not work out, you will return and start all over again? Can you afford it? Then please. Or are you still going to the man of your dreams to live happily ever after and die on the same day? This is more likely than the first. Then check this issue before you start to collect things.
“Darling, will we formalize the relationship?”. “No, what are you .. I just want to live with you and see how useful you will be to me ... And the fact that you left everything for me is normal, I'm incredibly cool, just being next to me is an incredible honor for you and is worth your whole life and the life of your family. Besides, I will surely give you food…”
It all depends on the source data. If you live in a city dump outside the city somewhere in the Khakas steppe region, your TV box serves as your home, and you eat right there in the dump, taking food from crows, then “moving to ANOTHER city” may be and will be useful to you. You will have a roof over your head, a refrigerator, a well-maintained toilet, a bathroom ... In this case, you probably shouldn’t count on an official marriage with kind man who took you in. What if your situation is different?
Your decision to move is the bomb. This is an absolute rejection of everything that you had before this decision. Do you give everything for someone to try to live with you? And he does not want to bear any responsibility for this? Not before God, not before the law.
If he did not meet you at the airport in polished shoes, in a suit and with a rose in his teeth and did not take you immediately to the registry office, immediately turn around and fly back.
A! He meets you in shorts, a T-shirt and, scratching your belly, says: “Come on faster, I didn’t put the car in the parking lot, let’s run ...”. Immediately turn around and fly back.
An official marriage, whatever one may say, registration in a new place, the right to property that you will buy and build together, this is the protection of your future, which, of course, both of you now see together and much more. Does he think otherwise? Immediately turn around and fly back.
2. Medical care
Question for my husband. Where is the dental clinic where you usually treat your teeth? Answer - Well, I pulled my teeth there and there. Q: You don't have your own doctor??? The answer is yes no. Somehow I manage .. Instead of the next question, you are in shock.
The same goes for any medical service. For an adult woman, the lack of regular, reliable medical prevention, no matter what it concerns, is a matter of a decline in the quality of life. Moreover, threatening the most expensive - health.
One of my acquaintances, who has all of the above at home, quickly fell into a love relationship with a person who has been living in Europe for a long time. A stormy romance began, and after a rather long time of love relationships, she was almost about to move in with him. Romance and love were in full swing, they were happy remotely, periodically meeting in different cities and countries, planning to spend the rest of their lives together. Then she had not yet visited him, she only knew that this was a small cozy town in the south of Bavaria, about the life in which she was already beginning to dream a little. Once, in a conversation with her beloved on the phone, she heard a sound in the background. "What is this? What's going on in there?" she asked. “This is a helicopter, air ambulance,” he replied. “The neighbor is sick and the helicopter landed on the roof to transport the patient.” “Why a helicopter? Do you have any doctors there?” My friend was surprised. “Well, yes, it’s just that the center is far away, they may not be taken by car ...” For a person who has lived in a city convenient for life since childhood, such a story can serve as a starting point for doubts that have begun. And so it happened in these relations. It’s good that the love chemistry had already passed by that time and people were soberly discussing how to create an alliance. Helicopter noise from the phone changed Mendelssohn's march to the death bell for this future marriage. They still communicate, he still cherishes hopes that she still decides to move, but there are things more important than romance. This is called - the standard of living, which can be imperceptibly lost in the pursuit of women's happiness.
3. Professional employment
My mother told me from childhood: “In no case do not get addicted to a man. The girl must have her own money. Any man on whom a woman is completely dependent will sooner or later turn into a pig.” Gold words! Life constantly confirms this rule with real examples, with rare exceptions. Definitely: a woman should work. Always. Not necessarily - to the machine, not necessarily - to the office. Let it be something handmade, a hobby, work on the Internet and so on. There must be - work, development in this work, and as a result - financial reward. In any case, there must be a receipt on the account Money, regardless of what the husband gives or does not give. It's embarrassing to ask for money. Ugly, disgusting, not modern, not in an adult way.
When considering the issue of moving to a man in another city or another country, the issue of employment, professional suitability in a new place should be considered as one of the highest priorities. You can't go random. I’ll find something, I’ll think of something… Thank God, today, with the Internet, you can find anything and everything.
Moreover, not only work is important, but also how you will get to it, how much time you spend on the road and what to drive. For a person who is accustomed to leaving his home and driving his own car to the place of work in 5 minutes, it may be completely unacceptable that for the same Muscovites and residents of the Moscow region - it is natural since childhood - to leave the house, walk to the minibus - trains (15 minutes), then go by train-bus for 30 minutes, and then by metro - 20 ...
Or by car in traffic jams - 2 hours.
4. Rest
If a person works during the week, then he is happy to wait for the weekend. Weekends can be spent in different ways. You can sleep until dinner, and then, lying in bed, watch TV until the evening, indulging in buns. You can get up early in the morning, sit on a boat without makeup (:-)) and sail into the ocean, meeting the dawn. You can grab a backpack collected from the evening and wind up some mountain, if it is nearby. Or you can just go to relatives in the village, fry barbecue, drink wine and talk about something pleasant ... To each his own. But one thing is certain - the weekend should be different from the work week. And the second - the weekend should be. So says a woman who had days off before moving.
And how does your chosen one, to whom you are going to move, spend his free time and his weekends? Believe it or not, this is also very important point. And it also needs to be discussed. When you are used to skiing on Saturday in winter, and he wants to lie with you in bed, this can be tolerated at first. And in a year? And after two? Dear, let's go somewhere for the weekend .. Answer: Why? Let's better at home lie down in front of the TV...
The culture of spending the weekend for a person (in this case, a person - She, who moves in with a man) is also a part of life. Important. Sports weekends, culture weekends, outdoor weekends, fishing weekends, weekends on a long trip... Imagine your loved one might not know anything about the weekend at all. Your parents taught you to do this since childhood - Hooray !! On Friday evening we are going, in the morning we take a couple of friends, and on Saturday morning - on a yacht for two days by sea with the whole family! Or so - you are already an adult, and on Saturdays you go to the theater. Or so - on Saturdays, my friends and I usually go to a Chinese restaurant. Or - on Friday evening we sing karaoke ... But you never know what can be saved up for some years there, when a woman has a certain lifestyle that she may not appreciate. And he will appreciate it only when he loses.
Ask your loved one. How are we going to spend the weekend? What do you usually do since Friday evening? And if you find that he has no idea what a weekend is, and for you it is an essential part of life when you “reset” after a working week, think about that too. Perhaps for him, the weekend is the phrase: “Honey, I'm at home! Where are my buns?” . And for you? Ready to change your lifestyle entirely?
5. Environment dash nostalgia
You are leaving for the man you love. He is a normal person, the same adult as you. He also has friends. You start to get bored in your own way before you have packed your suitcase. Missing loved ones, relatives, friends, familiar circle. Scary. Share this with your chosen one. He says - Do not worry, there are planes, there are phones, in the end, you will communicate in the same way, with the same ones. Plus, you'll make new friends. No. You will not. And you won't.
Why? Because new friends don't know anything about you, they have too much to say about you. And your loved ones will be trivially in a different time zone, and when you have some experiences, they, for example, will sleep. Or you will sleep when something happens to them. And when you want to talk, they will have the height of the working day, and they will frankly have no time to talk. And it will be inconvenient for you to tear them off. And when they finish the height of the working day, it will begin with you. What happens when you are not talking to your friends? You are losing connection. Because communication is not just friendly tender feelings - it is knowledge about how a person lives, what happens in his life. Everyday life where he went, whether his parents are sick and so on.
When you arrive in a new place and get acquainted with a new circle, with the circle of your chosen one, their jealousy is inevitable. This jealousy will remain forever. You can have a great relationship, but you will remain a stranger to them. And in order not to lose yours, you need to constantly make serious efforts to overcome time zones. Be aware of their affairs and keep them informed of yours.
I'm not talking about the family, children, for example, even adults. Simple communication - the daughter ran to her mother for tea, and the mother to her daughter - will be impossible. For this simple, as it used to be, action, you need to sit in the waiting rooms, fly for many hours by plane, which is the worst thing - then fly away, say goodbye at the airport, swallowing tears, rather running away to the inspection point. Parting for close people, for really close people, when there is a real, not just family and blood connection - this is something for which, believe me, you can even give up female happiness. A conclusion proven by years of nostalgia.
It’s just that not everyone appreciates it when they have it, but if there is a family, a family with which they are truly close, leaving for another city for permanent residence is a small death that repeats all the time.
Are you women ready for this? Today, in a love fever, yes. And in a couple of years… And in five years? Believe me, this is something for which you can tell your loved one. "Yes I love you. But I can't leave my family for you. You better come to my city. Or let's drop this. " Why not? We're talking about love! Remember, he loves you just as much as you love him. Why should you donate? For a woman, parting with her family is the worst sacrifice she can make for a man. Men swallow it, not thinking and not understanding that calling for parting with the family, he kills everything in her, and love too. Because everything that can happen to her children and loved ones in her absence will then fall on him as a heavy burden. In her eyes, he will be to blame, one hundred percent. But this understanding does not come immediately.
And now about the same thing, but in a slightly different aspect. You are not just a woman from another city. Every city has its own intellectual habitats. There are workers, there are collective farmers, there are scientists, there are artists. You are a woman from some intellectual sphere of a certain level. You grew up in this, some kind of environment is familiar to you. Certain language and rules. And you find yourself in another world where most do not speak your language, even if it is Russian.
It’s good if you found a job in a new place, and there are about the same people, your level, they just have a different registration .. Everything is the same, just you are in a new place. Absolute comfort. Haha! Yes, it's impossible! Even if you, a journalist from Novosibirsk, find yourself in the environment of St. Petersburg journalists, you will still have problems in communication. The mentality is different.
A nightmare when an intellectual finds himself among collective farmers or vice versa. Are you sure that your chosen one, who is so gentle and so good in bed today, will be able to protect your fragile ego pampered by the usual circle from another social group of the human community? Be sure of the opposite, sooner or later he will take the side of “his own”.
A woman moving to a new place, to a new husband, just needs an intellectual foresight of her adaptation in a new environment. Avoid embellishments. Hard and without illusions. It is clear that she, in a state of love passion and in anticipation of changes, is not able to foresee anything. But it is important that someone close, who read these lines, told her - Darling, it will be bad for you there, they will never understand you. Even if she does not immediately realize what it is about, but maybe, having realized it as soon as possible, she will be able to correct her mistake ...
If you see that some crazy lover wants to ruin her life for a man, move in with him and start everything in a new place from scratch, read this text to her, ask her not to do irreversible acts, and if she does, help her fix everything when she begins to understand that this is true.
No love is worth it if a woman begins to suffer "on all of the above points." Because if a man allowed all this, this is not love. It's just about using another person for your own purposes. The man hasn't lost anything.
P.S. The biggest mockery of her own life for an adult woman can be moving to another country, to a foreigner, a person of a different culture and a different language. The young cannot stand it, those who actually have nothing to lose. And for a woman over 40, marrying a foreigner and moving away from her passions and her decent lifestyle (if any) to a foreign husband is not even Russian roulette. It's just a gun to the temple and a point-blank shot. There are exceptions, I agree, again for those who fled from not a better life. Sometimes an inhospitable foreign land is more comfortable than the nightmare that surrounded her at home, if we talk about the initial data. But we're not talking about that. We are about love, which pushes completely self-sufficient women, satisfied with their lives, into the abyss of change just for the opportunity to be close to the Man of Dreams. Thinking that everything will work out, there would be Love. Foolish women…
You have long been considered a couple: go on dates, confess your love to each other, share a bed. Everything seems great, but you want more. If you have not yet received an offer to marry him, is it worth thinking about how to move to live with him? Although cohabitation before marriage in our society is already considered the norm, nevertheless civil marriage rather harms and reduces your chances of a happy marriage. If you are firm in the desire to start living together, proceed with caution.
Promise to think about his proposal
If a guy insists that you move to live with him, this does not mean the seriousness of his intentions and existence. Great love. He might just be more comfortable that way. In large cities, especially in Moscow and St. Petersburg, many guys who have housing, without much preamble, invite girls to their place, so that they simply simply do not spend a lot of time and money on courtship.
Imagine: a girl lives on the other side of the city, to get to her, you need to stand in a traffic jam for a couple of hours and spend a lot of gasoline. Then it will still be necessary to take her to a cafe or cinema, see her off and return to her home. The process is very long and exhausting. And if this girl moves in with him, all this immediately disappears. In addition, she looks after the house, erases things for him, cooks - you don’t need to spend money on restaurants and dry cleaning either. Unfortunately, this is the reality of our days. Nobody talks about any feelings here - one continuous calculation.
From all this, think twice before agreeing to cohabitation. If you still want romance, bouquets of flowers, moonlight and candlelight conversations, don’t even think about any “Let's live together”.
You have decided to take this decisive step
If all of the above arguments do not convince you, it's time to pack your things to move in with him. Keep in mind that a lot in your couple will depend on the first days spent together. From the very beginning, build relationships the way you want them to be.
There are frequent cases when a girl, wanting to please a guy, takes on all the household chores, while completely forgetting about herself. As a result, her strong half begins to consider it a common occurrence that she rushes to the shops with heavy packages and does not climb out of the kitchen. She does not ask for support, and he does not blow his mustache. Later, the woman begins to be quite reasonably offended that no one appreciates her efforts, although it was she who allowed such an attitude.
If you do not want to get bogged down in everyday life, immediately distribute responsibilities. Ask him for help more often. Quite masculine activities can be: taking out the garbage, peeling potatoes, washing dishes, vacuuming, buying groceries.
Share your expectations
Just like with household chores, trust must be established from the outset. Immediately share with him your fears that you may not succeed, that you will not be able to cope, and your family boat will simply break into everyday life. Also, don't build castles in the air and hope that everything will go smoothly for you. In any case, you will quarrel, the main thing is to constructively resolve conflicts and be able to compromise. Then no life will interfere with your happiness with your loved one nearby.
I sit as if spat upon! - wrote a girl on the forum. - We have been meeting with a young man for six months, the novel is developing rapidly, and, frankly, I expected that in New Year he will make me an offer in all form. Not to get married right tomorrow, of course, but at least set an approximate date when we will go to the registry office - at the end of summer, beginning of autumn, or exactly one year later ... And the offer really sounded. But not at all what I was expecting. In general, the guy suggests that I move in with him in order to "try to live together." What is it?
Well... What's wrong? - users write to the girl. “A lot of people these days start out like that.” life together. And this has its own logic! Get used to each other, take a closer look. Check the relationship... Normal offer! Definitely not something to be offended by...
Normal suggestion? Well I do not know! For me, it's definitely not normal. And the guy knows it. I told him about my attitude to civil marriage more than once. Rarely, when such a story ends with a wedding, I have before my eyes several examples of girlfriends ... And besides, the very posing of the question jars me. Checking relationships - like a trial period, or what? Need to go all out and show off your dexterity and dexterity? And if it turns out that I'm not the way he needs in everyday life, does it mean that he will look for another? What relationship can we talk about then! He's just looking for a generalist housekeeper...
What does the guy say to that?
He says that immediately to the registry office is not an option for him! That, they say, he doesn’t even buy a pair of pants for himself without trying on, but here it’s a more serious matter, after all, he chooses a wife ... This generally offended me. Compared to a pair of pants! I told him that not even a single seller would give him a pair of pants to test in a sock. Pay first, then take. No checks in everyday life! .. My parents got married without any checks, they have been together for thirty years, they live perfectly. And most of their friends also did not live a day together before the wedding, and after they live for decades. Unlike young couples, who, indeed, test and test each other, but the results are deplorable ... In general, I was waiting for the holiday, but got a quarrel. Moreover, now I think - what's next? Do I have a future with this person? Maybe it’s better to look for someone else for whom I will be important, and not my ability to cook borscht and arrange life? ..
Is it a normal reaction to be offended by a man for the offer to "live together in order to experience relationships in everyday life"?
The man who met the woman of his dreams doesn't offer that? And if he offers, then he does not exclude that while the check is underway, he will be able to find a better option ...
Or, in your opinion, did the girl make an elephant out of a fly, she came up with it herself, she was offended, and completely in vain?
Is this couple really out of the way?
What do you think?
It all started 8 years ago. We were students and became good friends. I knew that he liked me, but I could only treat him as a friend, because I did not perceive him in any way. Soon he began dating my classmate, and she, being angry with me, forbade him to communicate with me.
For the next 8 years, conversations were limited only to the phrases: “How are you?” and "What's new?". Three months ago, we started talking to him by chance. At that time, he had already moved to another city, 800 km from mine. We communicated so well, and I decided to visit him in his city. As a result, for a month, every weekend they came - either I came to him, or he came to me.
Soon he offered to move in with him permanently, said that he would help me get a job, that I could live with him. I thought - why not? In my city, the work was good, but without prospects. Yes, and age already allowed to leave and try to live on their own. I agreed.
Even before leaving, he made an offer (after 3 weeks of communication), said that what's the difference when he proposes, tomorrow, in a month, or a year. That he always loved me, 8 years ago, and in all other girls he was looking for someone like me. I gave a positive answer, quit and after 3 weeks I already moved in with him.
She told her parents about it, but he did not tell his. And he introduced me to them as just a girl. When I moved, we stayed together for another 2 weeks (while he was on vacation), then we started going to work. A month later, I myself got a job on it.
Our relationship didn't work out. Perhaps they got into everyday life, but something was not right. I came home from work and rather cooked something - so that the evening would be free and we would spend it together. But he poked the site into his laptop, and the evening ended up in different rooms. Scolded me if I didn't remove the mug right away, or noticed drops of oil after my cooking. If I clung to him, I asked him to move away, because he was hot, or ticklish, or something unpleasant. Naturally, I was upset, offended, and I didn’t want anything. Intimate life has come to naught. And I didn't want him to even touch me. At work - stress, she began to miss her friends, her family - she became even more upset.
We spent the New Year separately: he went home, and I went to my family. Then he said he did it on purpose to see if he would miss me. It turned out that he was bored. And I decided that I needed to change, try to save the relationship. She began to pay more attention, but he perceived it rather strangely. He said that unexpectedly, avoided me. He said that he realized that we have different interests. That he is a homebody, and I like to leave the house. Although, every time it reminds me how he went to cafes from the site of the former, walked, etc. Who will like it?
I began to say often: “If you don’t like it, no one holds it.” Every time, after my hysteria and tears, I try to start everything anew, to change my behavior pattern. He wants me to put on make-up - please, to dress the way he wants - please, as soon as he comes home - to meet him in seductive outfits - please. But he said it was weird. That he burned out and does not want anything anymore. I asked him: “What are you doing with me then?” He replied: “Note that I don’t kick you out, because sometimes I have fun with you.”
And here you are, not knowing what to do. Try to return it, somehow revive everything? Ask him what he wants? Leave and return to your city?
