How to make mistakes in relationships. The main mistakes of men in relationships with women

Whether we are in a close relationship with someone or not, happiness does not depend entirely on this circumstance. But if there is a relationship, we definitely feel happier, argues Ilona Bonivell in the book Keys to Well-Being.

Relationships that do not develop quite the way we would like are not very difficult to correct, especially if the couple has been together not so long ago. Summarizing their observations, psychologist Paula Pietromonaco and her colleagues from the University of Massachusetts identified the most common mistakes in partner relationships. And while the consequences of our mistakes have not reached destructive proportions, we have a chance to correct them. What mistakes to avoid if we want to save the relationship?

1. Thinking that the partner is not going anywhere.

As relationships develop, we increasingly take the presence of a partner in our lives for granted. Signs of attention rendered to each other at the very beginning, surprises and other pleasant little things gradually disappear.

Often we stop noticing and appreciating our loved ones just because we are used to them.

On the one hand, this suggests that the relationship is becoming more mature. But on the other hand, longing for a beautiful romantic period can overshadow the valuable that, in fact, holds the union together. At such moments, it is useful to dream up how my life would look in a different scenario. For example, without my partner.

Imagine how you will live if you really break up? What will you do? Will this affect your well-being and your ideas about a happy future?

These fantasies will help you maintain a relationship, more acutely feel those feelings that bind you and which are probably dulled due to the fact that you have been together for a long time: affection, interest in a partner, concern for him, and a whole range of your personal experiences! It is very important to listen to them - they can become a true guide for you.

Often we stop noticing and appreciating our loved ones just because we got used to them and think that they will not get away from us. But if we (albeit unwittingly) broadcast our indifference to our partner, sooner or later he will begin to look for lost care and attention outside of our relationship.

2. Thinking that your partner will leave you.

Being inattentive to a partner is a bad idea, but just as unproductive for a relationship is the other extreme - when we are too attached to him and think only about one thing: does he love us? Does he value our relationship? People who are too dependent on the attention of another person can scare those around them with their excessive need for love and its confirmation. Once the boundaries of the relationship are outlined and mutual obligations are defined, it is not at all necessary to constantly wonder if your partner cares about you.

Paying attention only to what you don’t like, you risk not seeing anything good in a loved one.

And even if the relationship is just developing and it is too early to talk about obligations, you are able to determine for yourself how sincere the other person is with you. Whether he is interested in your life, how friendly and attentive he is to your mood, whether he takes into account your tastes and desires - these and other signs will help dispel anxiety about the feelings and intentions of a partner.

3. Ignore the boundaries of the couple's personal space

In established couples, there are always secrets that unite two, and it is very important that partners respect this intimate space. By devoting other people to some of the details of our private lives, we risk hurting the feelings of a loved one and undermining his trust in us.

If you reveal some secret of your partner to outsiders and the information reaches him (the world is small!), He may not even know that you were the source of this gossip, but his feeling of resentment and humiliation will not become less painful. You will begin to empathize with him (especially if the partner is still dear to you) and will suffer from remorse for having once been too frank on topics that should not have been touched on. These experiences can be long and painful, but, alas, they will not solve the problem that has arisen.

4. Complain about your partner

Those of us in long-term relationships tend to have clear view about what they would like to "tweak" in their partner. And this is not surprising, since ideal people do not exist. The problem arises if we decide to discuss our list of grievances not with a partner, but with someone outside who is ready to sympathize with us. Apart from the fact that this would be the disclosure of personal secrets (see point 3), such a strategy is itself destructive. After all, the partner may simply not guess the essence of our claims.

5. Suppress discontent

It is easy to see a reason for mutual irritation in a long-term relationship, the question is how we decide to deal with it. Perhaps one of the most dangerous ways to deal with anger is to hoard it while pretending nothing is happening. It may seem safer to hide your dissatisfaction or disagreement with what your partner says and/or does, but it is not. Without telling him (her) how we really feel, we risk losing trust and delaying the possibility of a frank conversation.

Moreover, unspoken irritation goes into the area of ​​the unconscious. And then, as if by accident, we forget to call a partner or fulfill his important request ... These actions do not meet our intentions, but emotions repressed from consciousness may be behind them. Therefore, if you suddenly notice that such incidents begin to happen to you, a person who is, in principle, attentive and organized, you should think about their hidden causes. And find the strength to honestly discuss them with your partner.

6. Constant doubt

Do you often worry about the future of your relationship? Are you afraid to jinx them, say or do something wrong? Do you see signs of inattention, neglect of yourself, unwillingness to maintain a relationship in your partner’s fatigue? If we experience this anxiety too often, we risk two things at once. First, comfort and loss of confidence.

The partner may feel doubts and interpret them as unwillingness to move on.

And secondly, when we constantly think various options development of events and draw up a plan of action in case of a breakup, we unwittingly charge the relationship itself with our anxiety. A partner can feel our doubts and indecision and interpret them not as a fear of losing him, but as an unwillingness to go further in this relationship, and in this case, an early separation can become a very likely prospect.

7. Not taking your partner seriously enough

What place do you assign to a partner in the system of your priorities? Do your kids come first? And work, of course, in the same place? Of course, you can always find a logical and understandable explanation: children grow up quickly, and you want to devote more time to them, and at work you are just at the peak of demand, which is hardly to be expected in the near future.

But time goes by, children grow up, business people retire, and partners who do not feel value and significance in relationships leave them, because no one likes to be in last place.

8. Stop believing in your partner

Loss of a job, health problems or the death of friends or relatives - all of us experience grief from time to time. When one of the two faces difficulties, it becomes a test for the other. It would seem that what is required is obvious: to provide support and encourage a loved one. But if you are used to the fact that your companion is your support, it becomes difficult to cope with anxiety and show real, not fake optimism.

The conviction that the partner will cope will not only help ease his pain, but will also become an impulse to find strength in himself.

When the black streak drags on and the partner continues to be discouraged and inactive, you already begin to doubt that he is, in principle, able to get out of a difficult situation. And yet it is important to sincerely believe all the time that the troubles will end. Your support and firm conviction that your partner will definitely cope will not only help ease his pain, but will also become the necessary impetus for him to find strength in himself and overcome trials.

9. Stop believing in your relationship

In addition to the problems that each of the partners faces, difficulties can also affect the couple as a whole. The list of possible reasons due to which we can lose hope for the future of our relationship is significant - from a banal misunderstanding and a difference in characters to someone's betrayal. But if you allow yourself to give up, no matter what happened, you will close off your opportunity to improve emotional connection with a person who has been dear to you for a long time. You have invested a lot in this relationship, do not let despair cross it all out in one moment.

Feelings of hopelessness are often the result of a whole set of irrational beliefs, such as: "if it's bad now, it will always be bad", "life should be joyful and pleasant", "constant minor disagreements speak of deep problems." Stop yourself every time such beliefs try to take over your thoughts, and stop them - then it will be easier to focus on the positive aspects of your relationship, and not on the negative ones.

Mistakes women make in relationships with men

28.10.2017

Snezhana Ivanova

Mistakes of women in relationships with men can be called characteristic delusions that are inherent only to the weaker sex.

Mistakes of women in relationships with men can be called characteristic delusions that are inherent only to the weaker sex. Usually they are not noticed by others, but both partners who decide to go through life together suffer from them. Girls' mistakes go unnoticed for a long time, since the beautiful half has a formed habit of justifying their own actions with certain life circumstances. Let us consider in more detail what the mistakes of women in relations with men are, we will try to determine their characteristic features.

Mom's Behavior

Girls often take on this role, although no one really asks them to do so. At the same time, they often suffer from misunderstanding within the couple, from the fact that the other half does not want to follow “valuable” advice. The behavior of "mommy" is different in that she constantly tries to patronize her boyfriend, not at all thinking about the fact that such behavior can be incredibly annoying. It just doesn’t occur to her to change her behavior style, to reveal some other perspectives in herself. After all, men are still not children who need vigilant control. Relationships always need to maintain a meaningful balance in order for them to fully develop. If a woman turns into a mother hen, then she spoils the whole picture: the young man soon ceases to appreciate her, to notice her individual merits. She will become a second “mother” for him, and they do not feel passion for their mother. Men do not like it when they limit their will in any way and try to educate in every possible way. Of course, there are certain infantile personalities who need constant guidance from the outside, but there are few of them. Often women's mistakes lead to discord, and partners soon part. That is why such behavior should be avoided.

Constant reproaches

This is another extreme, which the representatives of the stronger sex often do not withstand. If a woman allows frequent abuse, seeks to adjust the guy to her requirements, few people want to be with her for a long time. Reproaches and insults humiliate a man, make him feel insignificant and humiliated. And these feelings do not contribute to the harmonization of interpersonal relationships. The mistakes of girls often lead to a break in relationships with men. If you want to stay with a specific person for a long time, you need to develop a certain tactic of behavior in yourself and avoid humiliation. Conflicts should be resolved as soon as they arise. Otherwise, then you will have to rake up a whole avalanche of unresolved issues. Few people want to subsequently listen to a whole avalanche of accusations, especially when they have already lost their relevance.

impregnable person

It happens that a woman forms too high an opinion of herself. For some reason, at a certain point in her life, she begins to put her personality above the needs of those around her. With such an opinion of yourself, it is impossible to truly learn to understand another person. An impregnable person at a certain stage attracts guys, because you need to win her location. But excessive coldness and closeness also have a negative impact: the representative of the stronger sex begins to feel unnecessary and uninteresting. If a woman, for some reason, chooses this role for herself, then she must be prepared for the consequences that will definitely come. Being impregnable is a big mistake. So a woman gradually loses her true "I", moves away from understanding the essence of her destiny.

"Desperate Housewife"

There are some women who cannot feel fully happy if they do not wash the pan or sweep the floor. They pay too much attention to household affairs, devoting five to six hours a day to this. From the outside, it may seem that all their thoughts are concentrated around daily cleaning and there is simply no time left for anything else. Rub the dishes to a shine, endlessly wipe the dust from all surfaces - in this they see some special meaning of life. Such behavior can be very annoying to a man, because he constantly feels like a hindrance. Excessive preoccupation with household chores can push into the background sex life, common interests that exist within the pair. As a result, no one is satisfied: the girl complains that her partner does not help her at all in cleaning the apartment and cooking dinners, and the guy is annoyed by the constant flickering of his girlfriend, that she cannot relax and just be near him. No need to strive to be perfect in housekeeping. There is nothing wrong with postponing some of the things for tomorrow. The representative of the stronger sex is not at all happy to watch every day how the partner tries to scrape the stove until he is blue in the face. It is worth reconsidering your beliefs in order to return to true values.

Control

The desire to control everything can never be beneficial. Such women's mistakes in relationships with men prevent people from understanding each other, they have to pay dearly for them. Vigilant control creates the feeling that a person in and of itself is not needed. He seems to be just a tool to achieve some goals. Without a doubt, a woman should not behave as if her partner is obliged to obey her in everything, she should not make decisions alone. Comprehensive control only harms: it does not allow you to fully enjoy life, to build far-reaching prospects. How stronger woman tries to control, the more a man seeks to free himself from the fetters that bind him. Guys don't like it when decisions are made for them. close person acts in defiance of their own personality. It is necessary to learn to respect the self-sufficiency of a partner, not to encroach on his personal space.

over-concern

This behavior partly echoes the role of "mommy", but the degree of manifestation here is different. Excessive care in many ways makes a woman abandon her plans for the sake of her beloved. She easily decides to give up her interests, because she considers them less significant. She always tries to put her cavalier in everything in life in the first place. This approach cannot be called correct: constant self-sacrifice eventually begins to look like voluntary self-humiliation. And this is a big mistake. Of course, a man cannot respect such a partner. It is quite possible that at the beginning of such manifestations, he will try to somehow reason with the girl, tell her the right way out, but later he will simply get used to the real state of things. And here there will be no fault of his, this is initially the mistake of the woman herself, who does not know how to properly value herself. A partner always behaves in the way that the other half allows himself to be treated. You should always remember that it is never too late to correct a mistake, you just need to make the right decision and act in accordance with it.

Fear of loss

It is expressed in excessive focus on the partner. Women are much more likely to cling to a soul mate than men. It often seems to ladies that without a strong shoulder they will cease to exist, become useless and uninteresting to anyone. In fact, a pronounced fear of loneliness speaks in them. The fear of losing your partner often makes you listen to your own doubts. This is how the habit of always and in everything to please is formed. Low self-esteem contributes to obsession with existing problems, and it gives rise to the inability to move forward, to feel a special taste for life. Such a common mistake often leads to the inability to appreciate yourself in the future. That is why there are so many women in the world who easily give up their opinion in favor of a partner, try with all their might to meet his expectations. But self-sacrifice, as a rule, does not lead to anything good.

Relinquishing your individuality

Individuality serves as a necessary link for a person, which contributes to the construction of a holistic personality. It is important for both men and women to engage in self-development, to pay attention to their individual needs. The inability to live in harmony with oneself necessarily leads to problems in interpersonal relationships. The rejection of one's individuality will sooner or later result in the inability to make decisions by concentrating on one's beliefs. If a girl has formed the habit of constantly sacrificing everything, then can we expect her relationship with her chosen partner to be really strong? No. Getting used to constantly adapting to the needs of your boyfriend, you can completely lose yourself, become a puppet in his hands. Even good man over time, he gets used to the fact that the other half is ready to give up everything for him.

Thus, the most common mistakes of the fair sex are the conscious rejection of their opinions, uncontrolled care and excessive control. When misunderstandings arise between partners, the degree of trust decreases over time. People gradually get used to living at some distance from each other, being in opposition. To maintain relationships for many years, you must not forget to work. You can not despair and give up, as well as try to dominate everything. A woman should be a close person for a man, only then he will truly appreciate and respect her.

Do ideal relationships exist? Those in which there is no place for quarrels, but only endless Love and happiness. I'm sure almost all women dream about it..

Unfortunately, this only happens in fairy tales.IN real life relationship psychologybetween the sexes is always filled with various troubles and emotional experiences.

Some need it as much as they need air. But for most couples, all this brings only unnecessary suffering.

Why is this happening? How to stop making?

With some effort, you can learn to avoid most situations., because of which you, most likely, have had to suffer more than once.

If this issue is relevant to you, read on. I will talk about the main mistakes , which can eventually lead to the emergence of people. To do this, I will use real life examples told by my students.

Typical

Imagine the situation: a young woman has given birth to a child and is fully occupied with her new role as a mother. She learns to give all of herself to this tiny miracle, giving him all the time and attention. And she begins to annoy when her husband does not help as actively in household chores as she would like.

Because it's difficult for her. Yes, he has a job, business, goals. But she and the baby, in her opinion, should now become the center of the universe for a man. And the woman is offended that he cannot be so involved in household chores and household chores. She has a right to it.

And soon the woman begins to express claims to the man. But if he is tired of eating the same soups and borscht, he must understand that she, as a new mother, does not have enough time to cook a variety of dishes.

It turns out that she has reasons. And at the husband - so, only excuses.

And this is just one example of a whole series of similarmistakes women make in relationships with men.

Is it true that you deep down want to be loved always, no matter what?

For some reason, it is assumed that if your partner really understands you, then he will forgive all your imperfections and should focus only on the merits.

However, not all the fair sex themselves are ready to love their men on the same terms.

The most commonrelationship mistakes

It's hard to be objective about yourself. It is for this reason that women most often commitmistakes in relationships with men.

When your partner does something you don't like, you blame it on their bad temper instead of trying to figure out why it happened.

You know that you always act only with good intentions, but for some reason you cannot be sure that your man does the same.

In other words, if you couldn’t do something or did it wrong, you forgive yourself for it, but if we are talking about a partner, then he most likely doesn’t love you more if he does this.

Do you recognize this point of view? Haven't you ever had similar thoughts about your lover?

To eliminate partmistakes in relationships with men, you can’t fall into the psychological trap “I’m all so wonderful, but he doesn’t appreciate me.”

correct relationship psychologyis based on cultivating the ability in any situation to assume goodwill on the part of your partner.

Take, for example, Olga and her husband Ivan: in Lately he is increasingly late at work for a long time, and when he returns, he apologizes for this and begins to tell how sorry he is that he has to miss a family dinner for the umpteenth time.

And Olga commits an unforgivablemistake in a relationship with a man, who tries to support his family, and makes the assumption that he loves his job more than her and the children.

It would be much better for her to look at this situation from a slightly different angle: Ivan is torn between the stressful conditions of work, which he is forced to go to to provide for his family decent conditions residence, and a desire to spend more time with his wife and children.

If she stopped blaming him, she could look at this situation through his eyes and understand him. And then they would have the opportunity to discuss the problem together and try to find ways to solve it so that.

It is on this approach thatrelationship psychologyin a couple who want to live a long and happy life together.

Anger like anothermistakes women make in relationships with men

Suppose that your boyfriend has committed an unforgivable act - he forgot to wake you up on time, remind you of your girlfriend's birthday, spent the last money from a common stash on himself, or something even more "serious". Anger can be a completely natural reaction to this.

But what will you do next after you tell him everything you think about him?Will you go and sulk at him all day long? If this is your standard behavior, you can add one more item to your list "Mistakes in relationships with men».

A more prudent option would be, after you've cooled down a bit, to return to the consideration of this issue, have a heart to heart talk and perhaps even apologize for your overreacting. And you will be very surprised at how much this misunderstanding will bring you together in the end.

As soon as you stop playing the role of angry and offended, your feelings will be filled with warmth, mutual understanding and support.

Your lover will be truly grateful for your efforts and will henceforth think twice before repeating a mistake. And you, in turn, the next time you don’t even want to be angry in a similar situation.

Let's look at a few more examples.

1. Let's say one evening your partner comes home very late and forgets to take out the garbage, which will have to be picked up by a garbage truck early in the morning.

When the noise of a truck pulling up wakes you up and it says, “I think I forgot to take out the garbage yesterday,” what is the first thought that comes to your mind?

1. And now a situation from real life: Lena calls Alexei and asks to buy tea in the store while he is already at the checkout with a full cart of products. Despite some difficulties, he still finds a way to fulfill her order.

When he comes home and finds "the tea is the wrong kind," she is tempted to say, "Don't you know I never buy that brand? Are you completely oblivious to what I'm doing?"

And it will be anothera mistake in a relationship with a man, who went home with the confidence that he had fulfilled all the wishes of his beloved wife.

Instead of that negative reaction, it would be better for her to think about how he returned to the tea department with a whole mountain of purchases and chose the best and most expensive tea for her. The correct option would be to thank him for this, even if he chose not at all what she wanted.

1. And wives sometimes complain that their husbands are incapable of preparing surprises in the form of unexpected trips to nature or buying tickets to the theater for her favorite performance. And at the same time, they themselves quite rarely do something like that. Similarrelationship psychologyfound all over the place.

But if you wait from a partner that he himself will guess about your desires, you can wait a very long time and, as a result, be left with nothing.

4 Ways to Eliminatemistakes in relationships with a man

1. Recognize that if you do not know what your partner was thinking at the moment of committing “that very act”, you have no right to judge him. Train yourself to evaluate all controversial situations through his eyes. Do not always try to convince him that your point of view is the only correct one in the current situation, because your goal is to achieve understanding.
2. When you're upset about something your man did, ask yourself if he really did it to hurt you? Or maybe it was an accident?
3. Try to replay the conflict that has arisen. Invite your man to switch roles. Try to take his side and invite him to be in "your shoes". Such experiments can lead to very unexpected results in the form of insight and understanding of one's wrong.
4. Write down everything that drives you crazy about your man. And then make a list of your annoying habits, imagining yourself in his place. Both lists are very impressive. Is not it? So you're not that perfect compared to him?

And finally, I'll say...

That by learning to be benevolent and put yourself in the place of your partner, you can eliminate 95% of all conflicts that arise.

When you understand that the one who loves you does all the actions solely guided by good intentions, the number of misunderstandings decreases dramatically.

Remember: your man, who promised to always love you, has bad days. Just like you.

And the fact that in all of the above the emphasis was on women does not mean at all that suchrelationship mistakesa man cannot do. Of course it can.

But relationship psychologyis designed in such a way that a woman is usually the first to set an example. And her lover, if he really has tender feelings for her, will always follow her example.

I believe that you will succeed and the themerelationship mistakeswill soon stop worrying you. Thank you for your trust in this matter.

And one more thing - you can change your life and relationships with men in.

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