What rules should a family follow? happy family rules

A woman is always considered the keeper of the hearth. In past centuries, it was she who took care of the house and children, was responsible for maintaining relations with her husband. She cooked and cleaned the house, in wealthy families she was responsible for everyone who worked in the house. The woman did everything, but she didn't have a job.

In the twenty-first century, the situation is quite different. A woman can no longer afford to stay at home, she has to work. We have become strong and independent, we have learned to dictate our own rules to men. Our role in the family has changed a lot, we have learned to earn money ourselves, provide for the family, drive cars, solve many problems. Is it good or bad - complex issue, but the fact remains - there are more and more divorces now, as well as more families living on the "edge", those who are united only by children or a mortgage.

In order for the family to be strong and happy, you need to work hard. To do this, it is not at all necessary to quit your job and become an inveterate housewife, but you need to gain wisdom and patience. Psychologists advise to follow 11 rules happy family to maintain love and friendship.

11 rules for a happy family life:

1. You are a team. In a good team, it is customary to celebrate the successes of everyone, and all failures are divided equally. The husband received a promotion - praise him, tell everyone about how well done he is and what he has achieved. The son learned to read - he is also well done, he tried hard, remembered the letters and he succeeded. Even if you put a lot of effort into raising your husband and for the success of your child, but let them be proud of themselves, this will help them to believe in their own significance and strength. And if it so happened that one of them failed, you should not blame and scold this person. He's so upset. It is better to say: "let's think together what can be done." More often use words such as: we, ours, instead of mine. Our house, our children, we will go, we are at home - this unites the family, makes it possible to feel as a single whole.
2. Every family must have a leader, just like a captain in a team. The coat of arms of our country depicts a two-headed eagle looking in different directions. If you really want to have happy family, try that this coat of arms does not become a symbol of your family. There must be a leader in the family and there can be only one person, if there are two captains, then each of them will “pull the blanket over himself” and the solution of minor everyday problems will end in a scandal each time. Discuss with your husband who will take on the role of leader in your family. Discuss his functions in advance: the leader must carefully listen to all the arguments of the other person, take into account his interests, and only then make decisions. The leader is responsible for the decisions made.
3. All issues need to be discussed.. Do not wait for your spouse when he will guess about the existing problem. Perhaps he is doing well and he does not even suspect that you are tired, upset and the boss yelled at you. And the fact that the carpet is dirty and needs to be vacuumed, the husband probably does not know either. Therefore, learn to talk about your problems and difficulties. Talk about what a terrible day it was, and do not wait for questions why you are upset. Ask your husband to vacuum the carpet, he is unlikely to guess. Discuss everything that you don't like, but do it without screaming and reproaches, so it will be much easier for you to solve problems than to hush them up and wait for them to reach an extreme and explode.
4. Nobody owes anything to anyone. Your children do not have to be hardworking and friendly, the husband does not have to be romantic and economic at all. You don't have to love cooking and visiting your mother-in-law. And no one is obliged to notice the clean floors in the house and the sink in the bathroom. If you scrub the floors from morning to night, surely no one needs it except you. They washed the floor, praise yourself and do not be offended by your husband, who did not notice this.
5. Everyone in the family has rights and responsibilities.. And it will be very good if everyone performs duties because of love and care for each other, and not because they have to. For example, discuss with your husband and children that after dinner, everyone will do the dishes themselves. Not because you have to, but because it takes a lot of time to wash dishes, and you want to spend it with your family, or because detergent your skin dries out. The main thing is that everyone understands why he does it.
6. Maintain each other's authority. Never discuss your husband's shortcomings in front of a child or other people. In no case do not tell the child that he is not so clumsy, not obedient to dad. Remember you are married to best man and his authority must be upheld. Otherwise, the children will also think that it is not necessary to listen to dad and others will not perceive him as your other half. Try to support each other, make decisions together, and if you disagree with something, discuss it among yourself in private.
7. The family consists of wife, husband and children. All the rest - mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters - this is no longer your family. They are part of the big family, of your kind, but not as part of your family. Don't try to please them in everything and don't let them look into your life too deeply. If your parents don’t like something about your spouse, and that’s fine with you, you might want to tell them about it, and also ask them not to complain to your spouse. Do not allow rearranging things, looking into closets, reading mail, unless you asked for it. It often happens that after the birth of a child, a caring newly-made grandmother practically settles in the house. She always knows how to do everything right, how much to feed the baby, when to air it, where the crib should be, etc. Try to set boundaries. Let the grandmother come on certain days of the week, but do not command the house. Ask her to help do specific things: wash the floor, iron diapers, take a walk with the baby, so she will be busy and there will be fewer commands and advice.
8. Patience and respect for parents. Never discuss with your husband the shortcomings of his parents. These are his parents and he loves and respects them. And for sure his mother cooks the best cabbage soup. Be just as patient with your parents and don't discuss their shortcomings either. But if they become too intrusive and interfere with your family life, it is worth talking with your spouse and delimiting the territory (see paragraph 7).
9. Don't try to change each other. Often a woman, getting married, is ready to put up with many of the shortcomings of her husband, while thinking that everything will change after the wedding. Spends all weekends with friends? Likes to lie down in front of the TV with a bottle of beer? It's okay, on the weekend we will walk together, and instead of playing around, my husband will help me with the housework. The husband makes the same mistake. A woman does not like to cook, so we will get married and fall in love. In fact, changing an adult is quite difficult, and in most cases not possible. If you were willing to put up with each other's shortcomings before marriage, why are they so painful now? Maybe it's worth the wait and show patience and imagination, so that the husband himself wants to help you, out of love for you, and not because you force him.
10. Looking for a compromise. When arguing, seek compromise and try to think win-win. Try to come up with an option that will suit both of you. Are you doing renovations and your husband liked the striped wallpaper, and you liked the floral one? Maybe you should look for another option that suits both of you. Or paste over one wall with both in a flower, and make the others striped (provided that they fit together).
11. Find time to socialize. In the modern world, more and more people find themselves at home sitting in front of the TV and are silent. Try to find time for communication. For example, during dinner, make it a rule to turn off the TV and talk to each other. It is very good if you arrange dates a couple of times a month. Go to the cinema or theater together, take a walk in the park, or arrange a romantic evening at home. If you have no one to leave the kids with, it might be worth starting to put them to bed early (think about what you can do about this). And dedicate the freed evening hour to each other.

These are the rules, follow them and you can make your family happy.

They concern various aspects of family life - from the distribution of roles, functions and places in the hierarchy to the daily routine and allowing family members to openly express their thoughts and feelings. The rules show what is allowed in the family and what is not, what is considered good and bad, that is, they represent an element of family ideology.

They are divided into vowels and non-vowels. For example, such as: “Children should not interrupt adults”, “Parents set the time when the child needs to go to bed”, “Grandma is busy, she watches TV” - clearly proclaimed. The other part of the rules is known to family members, but is not expressed openly: “The topic of mother’s alcoholism is forbidden”, “If you want to make peace with your father, admit your guilt and patiently ask for forgiveness”, “All the best is for the child, he is sick”, etc. Finally, considerable some of the rules are not understood by family members. They act in a certain way, without even thinking that in reality it would be possible to act differently.

Rules arise at different stages of the life cycle, often contradict each other, and therefore relatives must constantly agree on them. For example, before the birth of a child, both young spouses worked, evenly distributed household duties, and certainly devoted time to outdoor activities. After the birth, the wife went on parental leave, and the husband had to work much harder to support the whole family alone. If the old rules of “equal participation in household chores” and “active recreation” are not temporarily changed, then this will inevitably lead to a disruption in the functions of the family at a new stage in its life cycle.

It also happens that by their unconstructive behavior, relatives provoke the establishment of rules that do not satisfy them. For example, while the wife was on parental leave for three years, the husband earned money for everyone and gave it to the family. It was a vowel, an established and well-known rule. The child was then sent to kindergarten. The wife went to work and now she could provide for herself and the child. Gradually, the husband began to give the family less and less money. The wife provoked this unspoken rule - she proudly decided to herself that “she won’t ask for more money, she won’t borrow from her husband, that’s enough.”

The law of stability requires conservation family rules in permanent form. Their change is a painful moment for all relatives. If one of the family members or other people (guest, teacher) breaks the rule, it can become an unwanted person and even an enemy of the family. For example, a wife no longer wants to obey the rule set by her husband, refuses to stay at home and goes to work. This leads to a protracted marital conflict. Or the teacher allows himself to make a remark to a child who is admired, praised and considered unique in the family. As a result, mother and father unite in the fight against the teacher and the school.

In modern Russian family culture, the rules on the distribution of roles in the family are extremely contradictory. On the one hand, there is a custom that the husband should be the head of the family and earn money. On the other hand, in Russian fairy tales, the image of a man is a person who succeeds only by obeying someone (a gray wolf, a humpbacked horse, a pike, a frog princess). The female folklore image is one's own strength and power (Vasilisa the Beautiful). It is no coincidence that the struggle for power and status in modern Russian families is one of the most powerful dysfunctions associated with the fact that there is no clear rule about gender inequality in culture.

Disrupt family functioning negative family rules(hard-coded and difficult to change). In those families where they can be changed and revised depending on the situation, family dysfunction occurs less frequently. Absence family rules and norms also poses a serious risk to mental health. Many children and adolescents with aggressive antisocial behavior come from such families. The vagueness of rules and norms, their inconsistency, lack of expression contribute to the growth of anxiety, confuses and leads to instability of the individual and family.

Usually, couples who get married have little idea of ​​what awaits them as a result. This mainly concerns young people, who believe that after the registry office, they expect a period similar to dating time. In fact, everything is different, because living together and seeing each other several times a week are completely different concepts. To have everything at home the best way, it is very convenient to draw up family rules, which you will follow later.

The need for their laws

Quite often it turns out that everyone wanted the best, but everything turned out completely differently. To develop a family, you need to take certain actions. People get married because they feel good together. And it is very important to keep this freshness of relations for a long time. But how to do this if everyone is already a mature personality and is used to living in accordance with their preferences?

During periodic meetings, of course, it was not necessary to deal with issues related to everyday life. But now, in order not to overshadow life with a showdown, quarrels, it is necessary to determine the rules of the family that are mandatory for implementation. Thus, 2 people, each of whom was brought up differently from the other, will be able to live peacefully and happily.

Partner respect

First of all, you need to treat your soulmate in the same way as you want to be treated. To do this, you need to see in a partner, first of all, a person. Do not impose on a wife who wants to study English language, excessive housework. In any case, a woman knows that she needs to take care of her man, improving his life in every possible way. But not every spouse has a great desire to constantly walk around the house with a rag.

Also, a man may try to force the chosen one to transform his appearance according to his understanding of the matter. Perhaps he is jealous, therefore he does not want his wife to wear short skirts. Or maybe the husband wants everyone to know how beautiful his chosen one is, so he is trying to make her take care of herself more, but in accordance with her taste preferences. In any case, the addictions of the second half must be treated with respect, you can not press.

Community of interest

Promising couples always have similar interests. Aspirations in any case must be different. Such couples always find common topics, in addition, they can tell their partner something new. Thus, spouses are quite interested in the Rules of the family, first of all, should include the point of accepting your soulmate as she is.

You should not try to “close” your wife within 4 walls, as many men may try to do. As a result, the interests of a woman will be reduced only to the family and home, and the husband will become bored of communicating with her. Also, the wife must understand that if she is not interested in something new for herself, then soon the number of topics for communication will be reduced to zero.

In order to be interesting together, you do not need to limit yourself to a routine. You should be together at various events (meetings, exhibitions, films, etc.). No need to step back and try to live your own life. Because as a result, this will lead to the collapse of the relationship.

Take an interest in your partner's life

Quite often it happens that wives are interested in what happened to their husbands at work. But the husband does not want to talk about this topic. He may have his reasons. Often it all comes down to the fact that at home he wants to relax and not think about work problems, distract from them, forget.

It is also not uncommon for a man to be interested in talking about his work all the time. And in his wife he sees a grateful listener. The wife, because she has to listen to a number of facts, for example, about any mechanisms, is not inspired to communicate.

That is, here it is necessary to find the golden mean. And again, it all comes down to understanding your partner. The rules of the family should first of all be aimed at seeing the person next to you as an individual. And depending on this, take any action.

Honesty is the key to a good relationship

A very big problem for couples is their inability to be honest in relationships. When two people communicate, there are always moments with which one of them disagrees. Do not turn a blind eye to this, accumulating resentment.

You need to make it a rule to always tell your partner about what you don’t like. Do not express dissatisfaction, swear or raise your tone. Communication should be done gently, calmly and with love. In any case, you need to remember that next to you is not a stranger, but a soulmate. The partner may have his own ideas, so he does not need to be judged. On the contrary, the rules of family life should be to stipulate all the difficulties that arise.

Segregation of duties

A long time ago, it so happened that a man should provide for his family, and a woman should do housework. Times are different now, and the responsibilities of the partners must correspond to the times.

The conditions of modern life develop in people the desire to try to earn good money. This is done in order to live with dignity. It happens that it is more difficult for a man to earn money. And if the wife works to improve the general, then you should not burden her with household chores. In this case, the duties should be divided equally between the spouses. This moment can always be replayed. The norms and rules of the family should predetermine that more housework is done by the one who is on this moment freer.

Avoid physical intimacy

Sadly, many couples begin to have less sex, feeling physically tired after a busy day at work. Men are more developed physically, so they endure stress more easily. But if a woman works all day, and in the evening she cleans and cooks, then at night she wants to rest. And this desire is quite reasonable and completely natural.

The code of family rules should indicate that such a problem should be solved and discussed together. Of course, in the absence of mutual understanding here, as a result, the family will be destroyed. Time for intimacy and love in any case must be found. But it should be done in such a way that both of these pastimes are a joy, and not as an additional burden.

mutual support

In any case, you need to give each other a friendly shoulder. After all, spouses are not only lovers, but also very good and kind friends. You should always try to support each other. To do this, you should tell your partner nice words and never skimp on them.

The family is the rear in the life of each of us. It is very important that after returning from somewhere it is always possible to return to a loving and understanding person who will always understand and support. You should not ignore your partner, on the contrary, you should try to understand and support him as much as possible.

Set of rules

They are also of great importance. There should be moral rules in the family, the list of which is familiar to each of its members. In order for children to grow up as decent and well-mannered people, they should also be subject to the laws adopted in the family. If certain conditions are not met, it is allowed to indicate a miss. But you need to do it tactfully and friendly.

The 5 family rules to be strictly followed might look like this:

1. Help each other and support each other.
2. Respect and love your parents.
3. To tell the truth.
4. Do not discuss others.
5. To fulfill promises.

Care should be taken not to have too many rules. It is also important to avoid contradictions. If a list is long, its importance is lost. In addition, it is difficult to memorize and implement it. And if the set of rules includes items that the child must comply with, then even more so, a list that is difficult to understand should not be made.

In addition, the baby must clearly and clearly understand what should not be done. Rules should be presented as norms, the implementation of which must be strictly enforced. This should not be a constant prohibition coming from the parents.

Relationships built on friendship

Many will agree that, over time, married couples bear little resemblance to lovers. Relations between a man and a woman often come down to friendship, although very close. The set of selected rules can be absolutely anything. The fact is that each person chooses those norms that he considers necessary for himself. After all, no one forces friends to be honest and not deceive each other. They do so according to their inner aspirations.

Friends may implicitly believe that if certain rules are violated, their relationship will collapse. And it is very important to understand that any quarrel can lead to a deterioration in relationships. Therefore, when there is a misunderstanding, you need to put up with each other very quickly. This is the foundation of the family rules. Examples are that the relationship in a couple is more important than any cheating, misunderstandings with children, problems at work or material difficulties. All of the above should not become more than a relationship.

It's important to be beautiful

It is necessary to try to take care of yourself, and do it not for the holidays, but constantly. The well-groomed appearance of both partners is a guarantee that the relationship will exist for quite a long time. The moral rules adopted in the family must necessarily include the requirement to take care of oneself. Do not forget about yourself, because for big amount spouses may begin to completely ignore their appearance. This should not be done, because the interest of both partners in most cases is manifested by visual contact. And if one begins to perceive the other as furniture, then it is possible that the one who does not take care of himself is to blame here. Therefore, do not forget about stores with fashionable and beautiful clothes.

You also need to take care of the quality and beauty of your underwear. Moreover, a rich modern choice allows people to look stylish and spectacular. different ages and material wealth. It is also necessary to pay attention cosmetics and perfumery.

A set of rules is mandatory in every family. But you don’t need to treat it as something boring and complicating life. The rules are set by the spouses themselves. And they must fully comply with their ideas about harmonious relations, be aimed at improving and strengthening them. Two loving people share how they see and what is important to them. In no case should you make it so that for someone one rule was something familiar from childhood, and the other partner had difficulty fulfilling them. The adoption of such norms must be fair and equitable.

Whether you thought about it or not, your family already lives by certain rules. Is it possible to scatter things, or do they have to be put away in strictly defined places? Can family members raise their voices at each other in an argument, or is yelling in your house something unacceptable? Who in the family sets the table, washes the dishes, wipes the dust?

These and other implicit arrangements make your family's life what it is at the moment. However, until these rules are spoken aloud, they can cause tension and quarrels. Unvoiced rules turn into claims of parents to children. In children, on the other hand, reproach for behavior that was not previously designated as unacceptable, and a sense of injustice.

Why is it important to articulate family rules?

Formulating rules is an opportunity for all family members, including children, to learn to set boundaries without hurting the feelings of others. And also learn how to inform loved ones about your needs, thereby taking care of yourself and the family climate.

Family rules let you know better ways take care of each other. Often, in response to the question “what other rules should we add,” not even rules come up, but calls - about what is missing from one of the family members or about what causes him anxiety. For example, children may suggest rules such as "be lenient with mistakes" or "praise even small successes." This is a signal to parents that the child is not enough. Imagine such a domestic situation: it is normal for a mother to wash the dishes in ten minutes, but the child does this procedure in half an hour. For a mother, such “slowness” can cause irritation: “he grows up as a lazy person or deliberately does everything slowly to piss me off!”.

The result of these, at first glance, completely insignificant domestic troubles can be the accumulating tension between households, which later results in conflicts and scandals, and sometimes even. Although it may be that you have not previously discussed with the children such simple things as the acceptable appearance of a clean cup, as well as the amount of time for each family member required for this work. Then it's time to start.

How to talk in the family about the rules?

A discussion of family rules can easily turn into a fight. Especially in cases where family members have claims against each other. Therefore, when discussing the rules, it is important to try to speak to each other in the language of the so-called "I-messages".

Your goal is to communicate your needs and feelings, not to blame the other. Try not to use language like "You're always throwing your stuff around." Instead, talk about yourself. To introduce a new rule, you can use the following wording: “When things are scattered around, I get upset. Therefore, I propose to establish the following rule.

If the tension in the family is high enough, consider a list of rules that you would like to discuss in advance. Practice phrasing them in I-messages to make sure they don't sound like accusations, otherwise discussing the rules won't do any good and will only exacerbate conflicts.

How can the whole family make a list of rules?

Choose a time when all family members can get together and discuss the list of rules.

It’s good if it’s Friday night or any other moment when things are already over, but you are still concentrated and have not switched to rest mode.

Invite all family members to write down the rules they think are currently in effect in the family. They can relate to various areas of family life, for example:

• distribution of household duties;
• communication between family members;
• discussion of the daily routine;
• use of electronic gadgets.

When the lists are ready, discuss them. Pay attention to the rules that were included in the list of only one family member. Maybe the rest simply did not pay attention to the fact that this rule implicitly existed?

Agree which of listed rules you consider useful for your family and want to include in the general list, as well as which ones you need to enter additionally. It is not necessary to regulate all spheres of life to the smallest detail. It is enough to agree on the most painful and what seems really important to you. A set of 10-20 rules will be enough to start with.

Your final list must include the rules proposed by the children. This will allow them to feel involved in the creation of a set of rules and will help them to be more responsible for their implementation. Ideally, if the list contains an equal number of rules from each of the family members. Otherwise, it may turn out that the voice of one of the household members was never heard.

Well, if the established rules apply to all households. Agree, it is strange to expect a love of reading from a child if at home no one except him holds a book in his hands. In the same way, if the parents limit the child in computer games, but at the same time the father plays for hours in front of him, he will experience such a rule as an unfair, one-sided requirement.

How to follow family rules for all family members?

Of course, it is difficult to live strictly following all the agreed rules. But if you still want these rules to be followed, introduce them into family life in stages. First agree to follow three to five ground rules; then, after a few months, if they are successful, add a few more.

Discuss the consequences of not following the rules. This is not about punishment. More like the law of cause and effect. At work, if you don't turn in a project on time, you don't get a bonus. In the same way, there must be consequences for disregarding family rules.

Beautifully design a set of rules and hang them in a conspicuous place. The very process of its design can turn into an exciting creative action that unites the family.

In any case, taking the time to talk about family rules is a great investment in family well-being. It may not even be the rules themselves that will benefit you more, but the fact that you learn about each other in the process of compiling them. The very fact that some things were said out loud will relieve tension between family members and improve the family climate.

How do you behave in conflicts with a child?

Anna Kolchugina