True love is a myth or reality Olesya. Psychology of love: myths and reality
Before marrying a person, you need to know him well,
but in order to know him well, you must first enter into marriage with him.
folk wisdom
This is the first article that was placed on two projects of the portal at once www.site: "Women's Club" and "Seducer". A letter that came to us in the mail from one of the visitors led me to think: "Why not ?!" Why not post your most labor-intensive and one of my favorite articles in both the men’s and women’s sections?” Indeed, the writing of this work involved reshaping the ARDOR men’s training and embedding the basics of the psychology of love into it, opening individual consultations, creating ARDOR women's training, as well as several of my interviews with publications in the press.And today, with minor changes and additions, the article is offered for reading to our visitors.
In this article, we will discuss a later stage in the development of relationships, which can be called family. In the course of many years of communicating with women, I was convinced from my own experience that building and developing relationships is a hundred times more difficult than dating or seducing. Even if you are starting from scratch, you can learn how to meet and seduce men after spending several years of intensive work. But I can't vouch to say how long it will take a person to succeed in a relationship. This is a science that cannot be read in a book, learned from parents or heard in seminars. It is a science that cannot be taught simply because all relationships are not alike. Relationships are an area where, unlike flirting and seduction, our mind, our upbringing, our characteristics begin to dominate instincts. Relations cannot be adjusted to any rules or formulas. This is creativity. Therefore, like many of my colleagues, I do not want to tell you what is right and what is wrong to do in family life. In this article, I will only introduce you to the myths that exist in society and which are not supported by any facts, but, on the contrary, are refuted by them. Come on, in order.
Looking at the love couples around me, I noticed that all the conflicts and problems that arise between them, in their opinion, originate solely in the difference in thinking and worldview of the partners, in the fact that they "cannot see the world through each other's eyes." They lack understanding. This is the reason. Do you think so too?
Do you think it's easy to see the world through the eyes of another being? A being that is genetically, physiologically, psychologically and historically different from you? The creatures with whom you different upbringing, different genetic skills, different goals, and you value different things in completely different ways? Yes, of course, journalists love to write about this on the pages of fashion magazines, any family psychotherapist will be happy to say this at their reception, questionnaires in newspapers and dating sites are often filled with desires to find one hundred percent understanding partners. But this is absolutely impossible because we are different, because men and women are made of different dough, if you like. And there is nothing wrong with that.
Historically, a man was responsible for work in which increased emotionality and sensuality was harmful, and a woman was engaged in work that just required these qualities from her. This laid the foundation for the gender differences that we all live with, will live with and can do nothing to change. Do you know what I mean? INSTEAD OF SPENDING YOUR ENERGY TRYING TO CHANGE YOUR PARTNER, IT DOES MAKE SURE TO FIND A WAY TO GET ON WITH THEM. Read this thought again. Most people live their entire lives without realizing it. They try hard to fix "what wasn't broken". But take my word for it, our inner physiological, psychological and instinctive world is something that we can almost always hide for a while, but something that we can never change. Therefore, do not waste your energy on radically changing your worldview and becoming like your companion or making him look like yourself. Much more effective is to accept your differences as a fact, without turning them into a source of conflict, and, remaining yourself, seek compromises. After all, no serious relationship is built without the latter.
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2. Great relationships are based on great romance. |
The first stage of the development of relationships is very exciting and captivates a person. There's no denying that winning a heart, being courted at the beginning of a relationship, feeling like you've found someone you've been searching for all your life is one of the most exciting times in our lives. We don't just feel crazy passion. It seems to us that the sea is knee-deep to us and any difficulties will be overcome. This period makes the people themselves and their lives better, and perhaps falling in love is a necessary condition for the emergence of a feeling of love in the future.
But what is the myth we are talking about? Its essence is that MOST PEOPLE CALL CALLING LOVE LOVE AND DEEPLY CONVINCED THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO CARRY THIS FEELING UNCHANGEABLE THROUGH ALL LIFE. The reality is that a person is neither physically nor psychologically able to do this. Have you read the parable of the gears that I gave on the Seducer project? If not, then here it is:
“Every person on our planet is like a small gear with its own unique pattern of cogs and cogs. He spins in a huge mechanism of life, trying to be useful, trying to take part in the process of movement of the most complex mechanism of the cosmos called Life.
Some gears are spinning idle, not in contact with anything. Some are trying to hook another cog to set it in motion that will be a mirror image of his own. But all gears have different pattern teeth, and not only that - some rotate in different direction and from different angles.
Man and Woman, meeting, are like gears. They BOTH want to rotate in sync with each other, but it doesn't work right away. They break off extra teeth from each other, leaving recesses and fragments of their teeth in another gear. Trying to make her drawing look like their own, they do not understand that their own drawing ALSO changes irreversibly. And the more they rub against each other, the more synchronous and correct their movement becomes. It is not always the way they wanted it to be in the beginning... it gets even better, even cleaner and more correct. What the gears did not even guess at the very beginning.
After some time, their movements are completely identical to each other, up to a mirror reflection ... They become an ideal happy couple who managed to endure the pain of "grinding" to each other.
Some gears do not withstand such a test and part ... But the pattern has already been changed ... Inclusions and indentations from other people's teeth will remain in their bodies forever while they are spinning ... And having met the next gear on their way, it will be more and more difficult for them rub against each other. Eventually, there may come a point when this is no longer possible."
This parable tells us metaphorically about the three main stages in the development of human relationships. The first stage is euphoria or falling in love, which does not last long. The second stage is grinding - the most painful and difficult for both partners. In the course of it, a man and a woman reveal the true "faces" of each other, they get the opportunity to compare the originally created image with the person they recognized. They seem to descend from heaven to Earth, begin to seriously think about the realities of this world. This is the most important stage, as it encourages a person, having weighed all the pros and cons, to make a conscious decision whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with his partner or not. If he makes a positive decision and this decision is mutual, then the relationship flows into its third stage - the stage of the family or the stage of kinship, which opens up new, deeper feelings for him. If he does not make such a decision, then the relationship is almost completely doomed to collapse. Unfortunately, very often, when making this decision, a person is guided not only by an objective assessment of his companion, but is also influenced by disappointment in his ideas about love.
Therefore, I urge you to think carefully and not repeat the mistakes of many people. Don't label a relationship as a failed union if you didn't get exactly what you expected from them. And great romance is certainly present in great relationships. But this is not the romance that you can see in Hollywood films, not the romance that sounds in every word of love ballads, and not the one that you will see in the evening in one of the expensive restaurants in your city. This is the romance of the real world, where you and your partner will live a real life together.
This myth is very popular among family therapists who "help" couples resolve internal conflicts. They all, as one, declare that couples who cannot resolve their serious differences cannot be happy. Nonsense! Around me, I see a lot of couples in which partners have different opinions on almost every issue, but this does not harm their relationship at all. I know it sounds weird, but it's true. Some trifling things, of course, are resolved, but on the most important issues, each of the partners CONSTANTLY defends their point of view, and they cannot agree in any way. But their relationship can be completely normal and friendly.
If you have had at least a little family experience, I am sure you will agree with my words. There are things on which you and your partner have always disagreed and will never agree. These things may include: sex, raising children, distributing money, a way to show attention, etc. These mini-conflicts are guaranteed to be present in every union, and they are guaranteed to always remain unresolved, because otherwise one of the partners will have to give up their ideas about the truth and the peculiarities of their consciousness.
Let's take raising children as an example. You noticed how often it happens that a woman believes that a man communicates with his child too coldly, too harshly. He, in turn, believes that she is too soft with her child, spoils him too much and spoils him. Surprisingly, from generation to generation this conflict is repeated in almost every family, even after the children grow up. Slowly, these debates spill over into the direction of the growing grandchildren.
Why did such recurring skirmishes between men and women occur and continue to occur again and again? Because men and women are completely different biological beings and changing their views is impossible, since it is impossible to change their biology (the procedure for changing sex is not considered).
Many couples perceive disagreement on key issues as evidence of indifference and a deteriorating relationship. Although there are also quite a few couples who do not believe in the myth in question. They just find agreement, or they don't. They do not seek to defend their point of view at all costs, they are internally calm and live their lives. They prefer to connect on a sensual level rather than reinforce disunity on a contentious issue.
To conclude, IT IS MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE TO TRY TO GET CLOSER WITH YOUR PARTNER ON A SPIRITUAL LEVEL THAN TO DESPERATELY TRY TO FIND A WAY TO LIVE WITHOUT CONFLICTS.
Here we come to the myth that is the culprit of getting people into all sorts of ridiculous situations that confuse them and arouse their hostility. Some time ago, I myself believed in this myth and was convinced that relations would only get better if my partner and I had a huge common interest and a common cause.
I was not satisfied with the fact that my companion and I had some minor activities together. I tried to come up with something equally captivating for both of us. This activity was various games on paper, mainly related to the decomposition of words into letters. From evening to evening, I began to discover that my main goal in the game that brings me satisfaction is competition, and my partner brought the most pleasure to the process of communicating with me, she liked to discover new word combinations and solutions. This difference in purpose created tension and even some hostility between us. As a result, we soon abandoned this pastime.
As an example, a story told by a friend of mine comes to mind. He loves and often goes fishing and one day he took his wife with him. From the first minutes she picked up a fishing rod, he began to criticize her manner of fishing, choosing a place, talking loudly, etc. As a result, after a couple of hours she could not stand it, she exclaimed that she was cold and was going home. His unwillingness to break away from such an exciting process led to the fact that she went home alone.
Perhaps you and your partner have a common interest that unites you - that's fine. But IF THERE IS NO SUCH INTEREST, THEN THERE IS NO SENSE TO LOOK FOR IT FOR THE PURPOSE OF IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS. I have met a lot of happy couples who are doing and enjoying completely different things, and their only common interest are they and their relationship.
Again, it's not about what you do, but how you do it. If participating in a joint activity leads to stress, tension and quarrels, then it's time to stop. Just stop and do what everyone is interested in. And this will not affect the relationship in any way. Trust me, you and your partner will have many activities in common that you won't even think about. It's all the things you do together: you live together, you sleep together, you eat together, and if you have a child, you raise it together. You can go shopping together, spend weekends together, and even go out to work together. And, if attending clay modeling courses together doesn't bring you pleasure, don't go to them. The main thing is not to hang labels on relationships in which you do not have a global common activity.
Again not true! How many people panic if there are disputes and quarrels in their relationship. In fact, there is nothing good and nothing bad in quarrels. I am convinced that in reasonable amounts, quarrels even strengthen relationships. And not only because they raise sex to incredible heights, but also because these quarrels for many couples are a natural release from tension, as a result of which they move on to more friendly communication. For some couples, these quarrels are the key to trust, because through them they have the opportunity to give vent to their true feelings and thoughts.
I'm not saying fighting is something to strive for, but it's definitely not something that ruins a relationship. According to statistics, the number of couples that break up due to the deliberate suppression of conflicts is about the same as the number of couples that break up due to quarrels and confrontations.
As children, we have often heard about the importance of understanding and tact in relation to other people. We were taught manners and self-restraint. Do you think I want to tell you that politeness is a myth? No. I express special admiration for couples in which there is respect and friendliness. But think about it carefully. In the previous pages, I have colorfully told you about the differences between the sexes that cannot be eradicated. Don't you think it's strange that some couples get along without fighting? Most often, this indicates that at least one of the partners does not respect either himself or his companion. Have you ever noticed that arranged marriages are the most peaceful and peaceful? You see, quarrels are inevitable if partners love and respect each other. It is important for them that they both find the truth, find a compromise, so that they both feel good. Inwardly, they understand that if at least one of them blindly follows the desires and views of the other, then he will be terribly unhappy and, ultimately, destroy the relationship.
Therefore, do not worry about conflicts with a man - THIS IS FAR NOT A DETERMINING FACTOR OF THE QUALITY AND STABILITY OF RELATIONSHIPS. The nature and cause of conflicts are important. If you argue on any issue for the sake of the dispute itself, for the purpose of self-affirmation, then you are certainly a destructive force in the relationship. If quarrels are perhaps the only way for both of you to get satisfaction from communication and recharge your batteries, then both of you are equally involved in destruction. If you do not get any satisfaction from the argument, but only get more annoyed, then this also destroys the relationship. You need to get satisfaction, otherwise then the accumulated negative emotions will result in the next quarrel, which will worsen the microclimate between you and your partner.
I think you will be interested to know that a man and a woman enter into an argument for different reasons. For a man, an argument is most often a way to prove his point of view, find the truth and, most importantly, get rid of the subject of the dispute. A woman pursues a completely different goal. This is surprising, but she wants to delve even deeper into the problematic issue, into the subject of the dispute. She seems to want to burst into tears, wants a man to listen to her. Her main unconscious goal is to get emotionally close to a man. Often, by her activity in a dispute, she tries to prove or show a man something completely different from what they are discussing so fiercely.
I don't want you to get the impression that fighting is the panacea for relationship failure. You need to learn how to properly return from a quarrel to normal communication, to defuse the situation. Very rarely do people admit they are wrong when they sincerely realize that they were wrong. They, as a rule, either do not do this at all, or agree with the interlocutor even when they are sure that they are right. Don't repeat this mistake. But at the same time, do not forget about tact, respect and a sense of humor, with the help of which, at times, it is so easy to resolve conflicts.
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6. Great relationships give vent to all the feelings of partners. |
Several of my acquaintances broke up with their women only because they could not forgive them some of the things that they said to them in a state of passion. Take a look around - you will see how many people are trying to correct past mistakes and heal past wounds in their relationship. And how do you think how many of them succeed in this? Units! I am sure you will remember such episodes in your life. You will remember how you said something to your partner that hurt him and that he could not forgive you for a long, long time. I have no doubt that in your life there were reverse situations.
Every time during disputes or conflicts you need to say something negative about a man, think with your head. "Bite your tongue"! I'm not asking you to be dishonest or hide the truth. I'm talking about how the same things can be pronounced in different ways and at different times. Think: any remark that a person is doing something wrong can be turned into the form of advice. So we're just telling him how he should act in order to be better.
It is worth noting that we are discussing not only verbal signals. Often our expressive actions hurt our partners much more than words. Slamming a door in a person's face, leaving him alone at a critical moment, throwing a drink in his face, not letting him into a room, or not helping him when he needs it - all these are the highest manifestations of disrespect, which, undoubtedly, cannot but be reflected. negative on relationships.
A more striking example of excessive manifestation of emotions is the situation when, in case of dissatisfaction with the behavior of a partner, we do something in revenge or spite. For example, a situation where a wife, dissatisfied with the fact that her husband does not pay attention to her and reads newspapers a lot, takes these newspapers and throws them in the trash. By this behavior, she sends her husband a message about what she is capable of in an impulse, a message that she will never take back. Never act like this with men or anyone else in this world - I'm sure you can always find more creative ways self-expression.
Do you even believe in it? Sex allows people to move away from stressful situations and restrictions, make peace, get closer to a partner. Do you know why? I believe that before reading this site you have already got acquainted with such literature and you probably know that men and women have diametrically different perceptions of sex. FOR A MAN, SEX IS THE REASON FOR APPROACH WITH A WOMAN, FOR A WOMAN - A CONSEQUENCE. Read this thought again. Nature played a rather cruel joke with the floors. One of the most common family conflicts is that a woman accuses a man of giving her too little spiritual attention, and he, in turn, reproaches her for reduced sexuality and responsiveness in bed. Generations. Over the centuries. Millennia. Same. The thing is that in order for a man to fully feel love for a woman, to fully open up and start paying attention to her, it is necessary that his sex life be at its best. The woman's sexuality and desire seem to send him a hidden message of her love. The picture of the female inner world looks diametrically opposite. If a woman feels care, attention and love from a man, sexuality and unbridled desires begin to wake up in her. See? Vicious circle! The situation can ONLY change if BOTH partners make efforts to improve the quality of sex. In this case, the man will become satisfied with the sexuality and responsiveness of his partner and, in turn, will become more emotional and begin to give her much more attention, which she needs. Thus, WHEN THE QUALITY OF SEX LIFE IMPROVES, SUDDENLY THE RELATIONSHIP OF THE PARTNERS ALSO BEGINS TO IMPROVE.
I am not saying that sex is a sufficient condition for a good relationship. But I contend that this condition is necessary. Sex can be of great symbolic importance: it can be a major factor in disappointment in a relationship. It can cause feelings of anxiety (for example, on the part of a woman who, in her own opinion, is not attracted to her partner), inadequacy (a man who believes that he is not able to turn on and satisfy a woman in the way she would like it) and, in ultimately, rejection and resentment. As soon as sex is at a low level, conflicts and problems can literally arise from scratch. The sexual world is much more intimate and intimate for a person than other areas of life, so the dissonance in sex is perceived by partners much more emotionally than domestic quarrels.
Downplaying the importance of sex is a fairly common barrier to developing and improving relationships. sex life- this is the area where partners create their own unique intimate world, which they protect and build together.
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8. People with disabilities are not able to build great relationships. |
Very often people give out some kind of flaw or strangeness of their partner for main reason parting with him. But you must admit, it is very difficult to judge what is the norm and what is not, what is strange and what is not. I'm not talking about those cases when one of the partners seriously abuses alcohol, is rude or goes "to the left". I'm talking about some of the character traits that each of us has, with which it is quite possible to get along and even correct. All people are different from each other, and this guarantees the presence of oddities in each individual, because norms are defined as average data. And, of course, these oddities do not coincide with what we ourselves, and even their owner, would like to see in an ideal world. Unfortunately, many people spend half their lives realizing how different reality is from their ideals. In addition, these ideals, for the most part, are built on the basis of models and dogmas accepted in society.
I will give you the following example. The father of one of my friends is crazy about football. I love football myself, but when I say crazy, I mean that he loves it more than anything. He plays football twice a week, he doesn't miss a single match on TV, he goes to stadiums, keeps scorecards, plays sweepstakes, talks about football for several hours a day. His wife - a very nice woman - found a way to get along with it. She even helps him enjoy his hobby. Undoubtedly, this sport is not at all interesting to her, but she treats her husband's hobby with understanding. Perhaps understanding is the right word, because instinctively a woman does not care about a man's hobby, his need for inner growth, activity, etc. Much more important to her is how a man devotes himself to HER. But, having thought it over with her head and looking at her husband, not only as a man and the father of her children, but also as a person, she reacted with understanding to his features. And this couple has a wonderful relationship.
Relationships are impossible without mutual respect. Therefore, in this context, we are talking about those oddities and shortcomings that do not imply a disrespectful attitude towards a partner. Throughout the other articles on the site, I have repeatedly made it clear to you that this is the main starting point that should prompt you to say "Stop!". If you cannot make your partner respect yourself, then the further development of the relationship will bring you only grief. BUT IF YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED WITH SOME PECULIARITY OF A MAN THAT DOES NOT MEET YOUR IDEA OF NORMAL BEHAVIOR BUT DOES NOT OFFEND YOU IN ANY WAY, THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. Remember reframing. Perhaps it will help you see this feature in a different light.
I have already told you that it is foolish to adjust relationships to any well-adjusted schemes. This is a creative process and nothing else. It follows from this that there is no right way to build relationships at all. There is no right way to show attention and care. There is no right way to raise children, communicate with relatives, resolve conflicts and, in general, solve any household and psychological problems. I know this goes against just about every piece of literature you've read, but I don't want to be the next author to go out of my way to mislead you. I openly declare that the whole site that you are now browsing may well be useless for you simply because you are drastically different from me, and the things that worked for me may not bring you any result. Although no. I highly doubt the latter.
I want you to understand that any article, any book, any training and even any science is all the personal opinion of a particular person or a particular group of people, no matter how big it is. I am sure that such thoughts visited Albert Einstein before he deduced his theory of relativity.
The same is true for relationships. YOU AND YOUR PARTNER NEED TO FIND WAYS TO BE TOGETHER THAT WILL WORK FOR YOU. It doesn't matter if it's up to the standards you've read in a book or seen in a movie. It doesn't matter if it's consistent with the advice you've heard from your parents over the years. Your main criterion for evaluating your relationship and your performance within that relationship should be whether or not you achieve the results you want. It makes no sense to follow any accepted principles in society. It makes sense to follow only those principles that work and make your couple happy. The only principle that, in my opinion, should be paid attention to all couples without exception is the need for partners to be sympathetic to the differences that exist between them.
I am sure you know happy couples whose relationships are contrary to all accepted canons and models. One of our students who completed the ARDOR for Men training recently married a woman he met on the street. I saw their relationship from the outside and was amazed. These young people practically do not talk to each other. Of the four and a half hours that I spent next to them at our project's corporate party, they said about forty words each, of which half were weird names like "monster" or "contagion." At the same time, I have no doubt that this couple has a wonderful relationship.
Do not blindly follow those dogmas and formulas that are accepted in society. Think about how wonderful it is to build a relationship that will be different from anything you have seen before in this world. Think about the fact that in a woman's life, in addition to thinking about beautiful things, about a wedding, about fashion, about a career, raising children, there can be another amazing exciting hobby - building the warmest and most lasting relationships possible. And often for this you need to step over social stereotypes and do those things that none of the women you know do.
Do not be surprised if you believe that the responsibility for finding your soulmate and building a relationship with her does not lie with you. That's what most people think. Most often, people are convinced that suddenly their love will fall from the sky, a person who will make their life happy. Always. And when they suddenly discover that the fairy tale they believed in turns out to be untrue, they begin to blame their partners for all the cracks in the relationship. At this point, they are convinced that it is the actions of their partners that are the cause of their unhappiness, that until their partners change, life will not improve, and they will not be able to do anything with the relationship. If you have at least a little experience of family life, then I am sure you are familiar with a similar situation. A situation where you are convinced that if you could change your partner's thinking, feelings, or behavior, the relationship would improve significantly.
It is a myth. The main person you should influence is yourself. You are the main link in the relationship and it is you who should begin all actions to change these relationships. With this, and only with this attitude, you will be capable of constructive action in a relationship. You cannot get active from your partner if you yourself are passive.
I am not saying that you are to blame for all relationship problems. But what I'm saying is that YOU ALWAYS ARE NOT LESS THAN HALF OF THE RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR PARTNER. You also have character traits, behavioral characteristics, flaws that will certainly affect how a man behaves with you. To paraphrase the words of my friend, Boris, a man behaves with you exactly the way you allow him to behave.
In my opinion, the main reason for the myth under discussion is that the position of blaming another person for one's misfortunes is very convenient, since it completely removes responsibility from a person.
If you are not satisfied with the current state of your relationship, then it is your thoughts, feelings and behaviors that led to this result and it is them that you need to change. Even if your partner has launched a certain destructive behavior pattern, the relationship will break down if and only if your response behavior pattern will SUPPORT the original one. For example, if your partner is insanely jealous of you and demands an account from you for every step you take, then by giving him such an account, you approve of his destructive behavior, you allow him to involve you in this endless game, which, like a drug, gives him the necessary nourishment. self-esteem. Don't let yourself be drawn into such games. Make sure that your every initiative and every response is constructive. Ask yourself if this particular action strengthens or destroys your relationship. You'd be surprised how many things you do to satisfy your partner's needs actually hurt relationships. Often the opposite is also true.
Your life is the result of your actions. Do not allow yourself or the man to throw off all the blame for your troubles on your partner. Stop thinking that someone else is responsible for your personal happiness. Don't be tempted to control or change your partner. Start changing yourself, your personality, your relationships. Remember: this is YOUR WORLD and YOUR REALITY.
Not so long ago, I wrote an article on a very painful and relevant topic about, and today I want to raise the issue of virtual love, since I received this question:
Question: Good afternoon Ekaterina! I would like to ask for your advice. I have this situation: I met a man on the internet, he is from Germany, we have been talking with him for 1 year and 6 months. We were supposed to meet him in February, but he had an accident, he can't walk. But I don’t leave him, we write SMS to each other. We are connected by something inexplicable, it feels like we have known each other for a very long time.
We both look forward to meeting you! We try to support each other when it is very difficult. Tell me, is such a relationship possible or is it doomed? We hope to be together! We love each other very much, and do not want to part even for a minute. Thank you in advance for listening to me. Sincerely, Irina.
Virtual love
Answer: Irina, hello! I can hardly give you advice, and I have no such right. I will simply express my point of view and my opinion, which has developed from communication with many women who were in approximately the same situation as you. Each case is individual. It so happens that virtual love becomes real and people live happily ever after. But, unfortunately, most often, virtual love remains virtual love and regret for the lost time. Time, Irina, is very valuable and it runs very quickly.
Unfortunately, it often happens that a person in virtual communication can expose himself in a different light from the real one. A person can tell anything about himself, and it is impossible to check it, all that remains is to believe “on the word”. Here, of course, everything depends on the moral qualities of a person, but virtual communication it’s also bad because it’s almost impossible to express your true attitude through emoticons and other signs alone. Well, they will not replace the intonation of a person, the touch of his hands and the expression of his eyes! Intonation plays a huge role in human communication, and it is very difficult to convey it with signs.
In addition, people are not just physical bodies, but also energy ones, and you can correspond for as long as you like, and when you meet, you understand that you are completely strangers to each other. At the first meeting, it seems to a person that he, first of all, evaluates by appearance and determines whether he likes this person or not. In fact, even before the eyes have seen the other person, the nose has already made its choice. It is by smell, on an instinctive level, in the very first seconds of communication, that a person makes his choice, then comes the energy of a person, and then his appearance and voice.
Irina, I would be very glad if yours continued in real life. And for this, whatever one may say, you definitely need to meet. At my own expense, of course, I do not advise you to go to him, but the question of a real meeting is worth raising. If you really have love, I think that he will find means and opportunities for you to finally be able to see each other and look into each other's eyes. Irina, judging by your letter (albeit a very short one), I concluded that you are a very kind and decent person, therefore, I think that you deserve happiness! Good luck to you!
February 5, 2017, at 18:51Many people live in love and do not even think about whether it exists or not. It is, like air or water, quite natural, and simply cannot be. Others are skeptical about the concept of "love", like the heroine of a famous film, who said in tears: "They came up with a fairy tale called" love "and console themselves with this." In order to understand if there real love whether it is a myth or a reality, it is necessary to consider the points of view of opposite sides. The first side is the one whose representatives love and are loved. For them, this state is natural, they simply do not know another. As a rule, love arises in the family. If parents love each other and perceive their marriage as a unity of souls for happiness and joy, children are born in such harmony who see the relationship of their parents and consider love to be the only correct and possible state on Earth. Of course, over time, they will see that people can treat each other differently, but, brought up in love, they will perceive relationships through the prism of this feeling.
It is very important for parents to teach their children to respect all people, no matter what they are, no matter how they are brought up, no matter what families they come from. No better way teach someone something or educate something in someone as your own example. Therefore, the feelings of parents, mutual respect will easily pass to the children who are brought up in this family.
True love is limitless, endless and inexhaustible. There is a place in the world endless Love. The more you give your love, the more of it you get. The other side claims a lack of love and that true love is more of a myth than a reality. As a rule, this side is represented by those who have experienced disappointment in love, betrayal, betrayal. These are people who are in a state of depression, despair, disbelief in people, feelings, the existence of goodness and justice. They can be understood, they hurt. Any stories about happy families they can only be pissed off this moment, infuriate. This will continue as long as they allow themselves to remain in this state. While life for them will be painted only in black and gloomy colors. As much as they will allow themselves to be offended, angry, treated with cynicism to any manifestation of kindness. You can live your whole life like this without feeling true love, without learning to rejoice, without believing in a miracle, in the possibility of a holiday and happiness in your life. You can leave the doors of your soul closed, not letting in even a small ray of joy and faith. Faith that everything is possible in life, if only you really want it, and ready to wait as long as necessary. Skeptics may argue that you can live in expectations all your life without seeing the appearance of love in it. Yes, you can! Do you need it?
Determine for yourself in what state you feel most comfortable: when you complain about life and deny the existence of love and joy, goodness and happiness in it? Or, when you feel calm and well, do you want to soar above the ground and smile at unfamiliar passers-by? By the way, are you familiar with the last of these states? If not, why not feel it one day and stay in it?
Pessimists and cynics may object that they don’t need it, they don’t want it, and indeed, no one has ever loved them, even their own parents, that the only thing they know from life is betrayal, disappointment and pain. Then you should try to change your life yourself and start enjoying what is happening around, learn to give the warmth of your soul and share your love just like that, without asking for anything in return. Just warm the other person with your feelings, even if you do not see the response. There are manifestations of unconditional love in this, the one that a mother loves her baby, who, gradually growing up, begins to feel this love and understand that this is the greatest happiness - to be loved! And he will definitely begin to give love in return, but in the way he does it. Do not judge him strictly, just teach by your own example to love, in spite of everything, to love sometimes in spite of everything. There is true love in this, without conditions, without reservations, without expectations, just warming with your warmth here and now, while you are alive and the person to whom you want to give your feelings is alive.
You can relate to true love in different ways, consider that it is a myth or reality, choosing from the options the one that is closer at the moment. And you yourself know better where you are more comfortable: in joy and warmth or in denial of the existence of true love. But still more people believe that love is a reality!
Added 1 year ago
Everyone knows how fairy tales end: "... and they lived happily ever after." Only no one says that after the final credits, the princess will saw the prince for scattered socks, and he will scold her for unwashed dishes. What everyone takes for "real" and "eternal" love is just the tip of the iceberg, a little prehistory before a real relationship. And they are already small like those sparks that flew on first dates. Is this eternal love and does it really exist?
Eternal love for three years
Love lives for three years. At least, the French writer Frederic Begbeder claims so. And many believe him, remembering their own bad experience: first dates under the moonlight, bouquets, night walks and serenades under the windows. All this passes quickly. And if the lovers have already begun life together, then a cooled relationship can turn into an unbearable life or even hatred. And so in a circle - love, hatred, resentment, bursts of relationships.
In fact, for the entire time of a relationship, feelings go through seven regular stages. The first of them, which many just take for " eternal love"- a chemical stage or a stage of passion and love. At this time, a whole firework of emotions occurs in the brain. Hormones are actively released that are responsible for the feeling of euphoria and pleasure. At the same time, the brain itself, as it were, blocks negative emotions, and with them logic, rational thinking...
seven stages of love
After a bright candy-bouquet period, satiety sets in. Subsiding feelings and subdued hormones allow you to take a sober look at your partner, evaluate his pros and cons. It seems that here it is - a real quiet life. But no, it's just the beginning.
Then the partners go through fire, water and copper pipes. There comes a stage of disgust. Literally everything starts to annoy each other - including the notorious household trifles, scattered socks and screaming child. Here the couple is at a crossroads: either a divorce or the next round.
If you managed to endure each other, then traditionally after the storm comes calm and patience. The couple have already got used to each other, and any disagreements quickly end. Relationships are really getting stronger. And it is at this moment that the long-awaited period of love begins!
Yes, yes, before this stage there was no love as such. Even if its fruits have already gone to school or entered college, feelings are truly revealed only now. And love begins with respect. In all previous stages, partners thought about themselves and their needs. Now a sense of obligation to others and responsibility for the beloved begins to develop. But this is not the end.
Friendship is finally entering the family scene. Only now the spouses are beginning to truly trust each other and cherish feelings. This is the preparation for love.
It is now that real feelings have passed the test of difficulties and have matured, thanks to patience, care and understanding. This love is not emotional, but spiritual. People become really close and understand everything literally from a half-word. Alas, not many couples reach this stage ...
So, the strongest relationships withstand all seven stages:
- Passion,
- Satiation,
- Disgust,
- Patience,
- Respect,
- Friendship,
- Love.
Therefore, true love is not only in fairy tales: it goes through several stages, being reborn, transforming. And those partners who still reach the final stage can say with confidence that their love is really forever.
