How not to yell at a child: tips for moms. How not to yell at your child during homework? What to do: change

Have you been in this situation:
Your child has done something forbidden that you have repeatedly warned him against. But even your raised tone did not stop him - disobedience continued. You, beside yourself with anger and violated parental authority, could not restrain yourself, yelled at the child, gave him a kick in the ass. Your child is crying from resentment and pain, and then you feel remorse for your reaction, you begin to feel sorry for him ...
“Ah, my baby, what came over me, I'm sorry !!! Chmok-chmok!" “Oh, my boy, come to me, I will kiss you ...”

And you yourself are tormented by thoughts and feelings that you went too far, ask for forgiveness for yelling and raising your hand to your daughter or son ...

Familiar?
If your answer is "yes", let's find out.

Can a child draw the right conclusions about his misdeed after such an explosive punishment? Most likely, he is just the opposite, he will consider that if you ask for forgiveness, then he is not to blame for anything, because it was you who shouted at him, it was your hand that slapped him.

So what, it turns out, to stand and watch how he openly ignores your parental requests? Or a hundred times a day to persuade “please don’t do it .... don't do it…” like a squeaky broken record?

Or maybe just intimidate: “Well, you still try to do this with me - I’ll give it to that uncle with a beard! ...”

No no and one more time no! Let's think together.

Because the right reaction to a child’s misconduct is one that will help the culprit to look at himself from the outside, see his mistake and want to correct it. And also, which gives an incentive - NOT to repeat this.

Is it possible? Quite!

We need to break this vicious circle:

misconduct of the child - the mother broke loose and screamed - the mother makes amends - the child concludes that he has nothing to do with it, just with his mother Bad mood, takes offense at her - the punishment is not absorbed, the offense is repeated - the mother breaks down, yells louder and feels guilty - etc.

How to achieve this?

I will say right away that this will not work out in one evening simply because we all, including our children, have our own preferences, established patterns of behavior and habits. And we often act automatically. Fortunately, unlike adults, children perceive new skills and abilities more easily. Adults need to make an effort consciously. Therefore, it is realistic to break this vicious circle and replace inefficient models in their parental behavior.

Another important thought that comes to all participants of our trainings is that you cannot start raising a child without adjusting your attitude. Before influencing a child, educate yourself first. Then like a mirror your child will reflect right attitude to the situation and correct their problematic behavior.

So what should parents do?

1. Admit, that shouting, anger, assault did not yet solve the problem of disobedience in a reliable way. This means that in order to effectively influence the mind of the baby, we choose an even, calm tone and confidence. You must remain the Lead for the child, and not jump on his leash.

2. Necessary clearly formulate your requirements for the child, think over a system of rewards and punishments, which would act autonomously, without shouting, indignant moralizing and spanking. It should be clear to the child what punishment will follow for a specific violation or outright disregard.
From this provision it follows that spontaneous screams and punishments, invented on the go, greatly harm your trusting relationship. Indeed, it becomes extremely disappointing that, for example, you were deprived of sweets quite unexpectedly for rudeness or disobedience. What is the connection between candy and rudeness, if candy and misdeeds were not previously connected?

To punishment served its purpose—it should be announced in advance and create inconvenience primarily for the child, and not for the parent, and give children the right to choose. It is important for the child to understand the causal relationship, so we use a three-step scheme.

It can be used with those children who capture these connections between two events and their role in them. As a rule, the beginnings of understanding appear from the age of 1.5, but it is better to use this scheme from 2.5-3 years.

I'll explain. There is a specific offense. But there is no punishment for him yet. How to proceed?
Since misconduct can be committed periodically, in a neutral environment we voice a rule for the child (for example, do not be rude to parents), i.e. WARNING about the consequences, for example, deprivation of something very significant for the child that he values: a toy, cartoons, some kind of privilege to go somewhere, etc. The significance of a short-term loss will help keep the child from undesirable behavior, and thoughtful encouragement will help him feel strong and self-confident. Here everything is individually selected, but do not use the deprivation of communication, emotional warmth).

Further, at the moment of manifestation of rudeness, the next step - REMINDER about what sanctions will come if the child does not stop.
AND last step — GIVING THE RIGHT TO CHOICE . Those. continue to be rude - to be left without a cartoon, or to ask for forgiveness and maintain good relations?

So, in this scheme, you warn - remind - give a choice.

The three-step model allows you to relieve yourself of the need to repeat the same thing a hundred times a day, stop breaking loose and screaming, as you immediately move from warning and reminder to specific actions.

In practice, if the deprivation of something significant for the child is quite noticeable, and the words of the parents do not disagree with the deed, he quickly stops the unwanted behavior.

In order for this model to take root in your family, we take into account the following points (see below).

3. In raising and communicating with the baby, we must adhere to consistency principle. This also applies to the relationship between parents in relation to the child. In controversial moments, it’s better to negotiate with your spouse what line of conduct to follow, then just voice it in front of the baby so that it doesn’t turn out that mom forbade, but dad, kind, allowed ...

4. Children are extremely responsive to rewards.- this encourages them to mobilize their efforts to correct their problematic behavior. Therefore, the emphasis of parents on what kind of their son or daughter is smart, tries to act kindly, as he (she) already knows how to do a lot of good things - works much better than the concentration of angry attention on disobedience and moralizing.

5. The introduced rules in the family (for example, “we don’t scream”, “we don’t hit others”, “we eat sweets after dinner”, etc.) must be respected not only by children, but also by adults. The situation looks extremely ridiculous and non-pedagogical when, for example, a parent forbade sweets before dinner one day, and on the other day gave in to persistent entreaties, assurances that he “certainly eats the whole lunch” - and gave such a coveted bypassing the rules. Or he ate before the deadline 🙂
The same goes for screaming and hitting - as long as you yourself do not stop screaming - it is useless to expect balance from a child.

These are the moments will help you organize your kids without exhausting screaming, multiple repetitions and teach them the most important basics of managing their behavior. Use them in your practice - you will feel that it has become easier to negotiate with your child. And this is already a great achievement! 🙂

By the way, at the express training " Quick results in communication with the child. 9 efficient technician »I have analyzed the most important key communications with the child that will help you, the parents, get in touch with him faster and achieve a natural response in response to your request or call to do something, or vice versa, to stop unwanted behavior.

© Igor Yurov, psychotherapist

HOW TO LEARN NOT TO SCREAM

HOW TO UNLEARN TO FIGHTor AGAIN ON THE RULE "START WITH YOURSELF"

(Monthly "So we live", No. 10, / 151 /, November, 2015)

"Whatever a person would like, no matter what he aspires to, if in the end every time or most of the time he gets a “cap”, then his “want” quickly disappears, and if the desire is satisfied, the desire brings results, action justifies itself, then such behavior, receiving positive reinforcement, is maintained, affirmed and even improved. According to this principle, all living things, from flora and fauna, and ending with human society, actually develop and ... learn! It learns what can and cannot be done, what is and what is not, where to go and what to run from, who to love and who to hide from, in the end, of course, what to want and what not to want. Specifically, no one directs or limits anyone, you understand - life itself directs and teaches. It’s like Vladimir Vysotsky in the song “Police Protocol”: “So let go, it will be easier for you, well, what do you bother if life condemns».

Question: " Soon 40 years, as I live nose to nose with a person who literally boils even from a simple question or phrase and screams in response, it’s completely unclear why. No, my husband is good a kind person but not very restrained. And, only at home, in the family, he behaves this way. In public, he never allows himself to be dismissed. Over the years, the situation has worsened - he screams for no reason and all I want at this moment is to answer him the same ... And I scream, I learned, because my response cry "cools" him. True, not always. In these cases, we talk for a while in raised tones, but this is not a quarrel, but such a manner of communication. Sometimes I change tactics - he screams, and I silently leave for another room. Then he begins to feel guilty, makes it clear that he repents, but very rarely apologizes. Sometimes I think, let the steam out, because holding back emotions, suppressing outbursts of anger, they say, is very harmful, especially for men. But he does not appreciate my understanding and boils even more often. Anger from scratch spoils life very much - I live like on a powder keg. Before turning to my husband with any question or proposal, I think over the phrase for a long time and still irritate him. Sometimes I see that he himself is not happy in these situations, but he cannot do anything. How can I help him learn to extinguish these outbursts of anger? Yes, and I myself need to learn either not to respond to his increased tone, or to restrain myself, not to respond with a cry to a cry. But it's so hard! Maybe there are some trainings available that will help us become more restrained. Please tell me».

"When people enter close communication between each other, their behavior resembles porcupines trying to keep warm on a cold winter night. They are cold, they press against each other, but the more they do this, the more painfully they prick each other with their long needles. Forced because of the pain of the injections to disperse, they again approach because of the cold, and so - all night long.

Arthur Schopenhauer

Let's start with your words - " Over the years, the situation has worsened, he screams for no reason, and all I want at this moment is to answer him in kind ... And I scream, I learned, because my answering cry “cools” him. True, not always." I don't really think not always and very rarely, or even never. Where has it been seen that a response cry in a dispute, abuse or skirmish "cools" the enemy? Always only heats up, turns on even more or even infuriates. One exception is still possible - the response cry should be such as to frighten the opponent, cause him to react with fear, or at least dumbfound bewilderment. In the easiest case, a clear sense of the senselessness of his situation or a clear realization of the futility of defending his position, fighting for something, achieving something. For the answering cry, as you say, to work " chillingly”, it should literally produce the effect of a bucket of ice water splashed in the face, because that’s how they “cool”, right?

As a result, an interesting picture emerges. Wife (woman!) learned”(I don’t know how hard, long and forced this training was) to scream so that her cry“ cools down"husband (man!), well, except perhaps" not always. Moreover, she had learned this before that she herself " all you want at this moment is to answer him the same"! You see, she is not forced to somehow defend herself, to oppose something, not from the last strength, not from the hopelessness of the situation, but because, this is " whatever she wants at the moment».

A person, as we know from the basics of psychology, wants something only when the desired action receives the so-called “positive reinforcement”, i.e. if what a person wants in the end does not disappoint him, does not injure him, but brings satisfaction. T.e. h no matter what a person wants, no matter what he aspires to, if in the end every time or most of the time he gets a “cap”, then his “want” quickly disappears, and if the desire is satisfied, the desire brings results, action justifies itself, then such behavior, receiving positive reinforcement, is maintained, affirmed and even improved. According to this principle, all living things, from flora and fauna, and ending with human society, actually develop and ... learn! It learns what can and cannot be done, what is and what is not, where to go and what to run from, who to love and who to hide from, in the end, of course, what to want and what not to want. Specifically, no one directs or limits anyone, you understand - life itself directs and teaches. It's like Vysotsky in the song "Police Protocol": "So let go, it will be easier for you, well, what do you bother if life condemns."

In behaviorism (more simply - in behavioral psychology), all this is called “learning theory”. There will be a desire, check it out. This theory has long become an effective practice of the behavioral (often called cognitive-behavioral or cognitive-behavioral) direction in psychotherapy - this is to your question that " maybe there are some trainings available that will help us become more restrained.” There are as many such trainings as you like - you just need to go to the appropriate website, get acquainted with the leading trainers, programs, prices and sign up. Group classes are always much cheaper than individual ones, so training, as you would like, is really quite " available».

But why am I talking about learning theory? To the fact that I'm still analyzing your phrase - " and I shout, LEARNED, because my answering cry “cools” him.” That's right, we learned! We learned because it gave results and had positive reinforcement - the husband “cooled off”, and you remained the “king of the hill” - the master of the situation and the winner in the marital battle, although, of course, I understand you perfectly, not without wounds and injuries left in my soul and taking into account the fact that there can be no real winners in such a war at all. Nevertheless, such behavior brought its result, although it was far from ideal and traumatized the psyche, but it found its reinforcement and therefore was fixed. It got fixed to the point that you mastered it, you learned it so well that now, as you yourself honestly admit, you " I WANT to answer him the same". In such a situation, to be honest, it can even be difficult to determine "who started first" and "who is to blame", and the theory of learning already works for both - both have learned this behavior, both receive their positive reinforcements. As a result, the family situation looks like you describe it - " this is not a quarrel, but such a manner of communication.

You know, as it happens with Russians, first a person (a teenager) hears someone swearing, then he utters curses to himself, then out loud, then more and more, and then, as in a joke - “what, I’m obscene I don’t swear, I speak it” - it also turns out that “this is not swearing, but such a manner of communication.” And all why? Learned! I received positive reinforcements: in some cases, like you, it was possible to “cool down” someone, in some cases “to express myself more clearly”, in some cases I felt community with others or felt “detente”, because for some reason, although it is not clear why is it considered "Repressing emotions, suppressing outbursts of anger, they say, is very harmful, especially for men." Just look around and see how everyone takes care of their health, and the most "not harming" themselves - furious and angry - are examples of biological perfection and longevity.

That's how you learned. Both. Gradually. Live in this manner of communication, each, receiving your positive reinforcements, for many years. Do you know the childhood game of King of the Hill? Everyone is bruised, bruised, dirty, clothes are torn, punishment awaits at home, but the game continues with passion, because there is positive reinforcement - at least once out of ten to be the King of the Hill! The one who fails or succeeds, but very rarely, does not play this game - he does not have reinforcements, he goes to look for another where he can get it. And the one who becomes the King of the Hill, more and more often, receives more and more positive reinforcement, this game becomes his favorite, he learns to push better and better, finally reaching great perfection in this.

Ultimately your question is - “how can I help him learn to extinguish these outbursts of anger?” - just sounds disappointing. Who can help learn how to extinguish these outbursts of anger? Husband?! To the one whom your cry is able to "cool" at times? Or maybe, first of all, you need to help learn how to extinguish these outbreaks to the one who gives them out so successfully in response - to whom, as much " I want to answer the same"?

The fact is that here you just need not to learn, but, on the contrary, to gradually unlearn this, which has developed over the years. manner of communication". And in addition to cognitive-behavioral trainings (which, as you know, not everyone will go to, of those who need them), home “learning” will help you quite well, which you yourself mentioned, although, unfortunately, in just one sentence " sometimes I change tactics - he screams, and I silently leave for another room. Please try this way change tactics"Not sometimes, but more often, in order to eventually learn how to use it constantly, thereby forgetting how to scream. I think that in order for everything to work out, you need only one thing - to stop wishing to "reign on the mountain", seeing that this does not lead to good. Then the husband, faced with this kind of “GAME OVER” (“end of the game”), will be forced to change his behavior.

In conclusion, as a human being, I will say that I would not mind scolding your husband with you. So, how does this help solve the problem? There is a universal rule - a person can change something only by starting with himself, trying to find the causes of his problem in himself and setting a goal - to eliminate them. It is imperative to ask questions - “why is this happening to me?”, “What can be the reason for what is happening in me?”, “What kind of behavior provokes a conflict?”, “What can I not understand, not see, not be aware of?” and finally, “what can I change in myself to improve the situation?”. solution to any personal problem must begin with a very definite and inviolable position - "I, AND ONLY I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ME IN MY LIFE."

You are a direct participant in everything that happens, and to some extent its cause. To what extent - I can not say, because for this I would need to know exactly what your words, actions, emotions figured in quarrels and disputes. And how could it be otherwise? After all, you, not your husband, asked the question. If he applied, then all of the above would be presented to him - I would suggest that he determine his role in the development of conflict situations. But, judging by the fact that he is not going to do this, it means that it remains to follow the universal principle - START WITH YOURSELF.

How to stop yelling at a child? He doesn’t understand any other way, he stopped listening to me!”.

I often hear similar complaints from parents. To understand how not to yell at a child, parents should realize that the current situation directly depends on them.

What are the dangers of constant screaming at a child

Children who are constantly yelled at and punished have impaired self-esteem. They don't know how to interact with other people because they don't see the right relationship model. It is difficult for such children to socially adapt. They can be too timid and shy, or, conversely, overly aggressive towards others.

Therefore, parents who are concerned about raising their voice need counseling and advice on how to stop yelling at their child.

Causes of screams

Let's look at the reasons why you get angry and annoyed with your child and why you feel like yelling at him. By understanding these reasons, you will be able to deal with it much easier and understand how to stop yelling at your child altogether.

The same behavior as you had with your parents

It often happens that if your parents brought you up with the help of screams and punishments, then you tend to repeat the same thing with your child.

Parents often tell me during consultations: "I don't know how else", “I remember that my mother constantly yelled at me”,“How can I not yell at my little child if my parents are always yelling at me?”.

And often parents promise themselves that they will never treat their children this way. But when a little boy grows up and becomes a dad, those behavior patterns appear that are embedded in his subconscious since childhood.

Outburst of anger

When you are in good mood, you have much more resources, patience and wisdom. You can explain something to the child several times, ask, joke, distract and at the same time not break into a cry. When something goes wrong with you, when you are dissatisfied with your relationship with relatives or feel bad, tired, you get irritated. And this irritation extends to your loved ones, including children.

Realize that a child is often not the immediate cause of your yelling at them. The child behaved the way he did. It’s just that he fell under the arm at that moment and is experiencing all the consequences of the fact that his mother is “out of sorts”.

Child disobedience

You have already explained to him, told him, repeated several times, but he still does not obey. Familiar? Many things children do not out of spite, but for the sake of interest and curiosity. For example, they scatter food when they eat.

They know you don't like something, but they do it on purpose to provoke you. And when you succumb to this provocation, you start to get angry, you forget about what is behind such behavior of the child. In fact, he does not want to piss you off, but to get your attention.

Parents lack knowledge about what and at what age it is adequate to demand and expect from a child. Understand that a child's attention, volitional behavior is formed over the years, and it is often difficult for children to overcome their desire and curiosity.

lack of patience

We yell at a child when we need quick results. It is important to remember that we adults live in a world that moves faster. We need to do everything, we have some time schedule. We understand that something needs to be done now, and something later. And we act according to this internal timetable.

A child knows how to live in the present and feel life in its entirety - something that we, adults, lack. We constantly live in plans and thoughts about what will happen next. And the child can be in the present moment, he is in the process. And when we need him to do something urgently and quickly, we lack the ability to switch to the state of the child and, perhaps, help him finish it.

When you yell at a child, you deprive him of the opportunity to learn something, and you also deprive yourself of the opportunity to teach him something.

How not to yell at a child

Let's figure out how to stop yelling at a child, what you can do so that the child begins to obey you when you speak calmly.

Think about the consequences

First of all, think about the consequences. When you yell at your child to get things done faster, you will actually get there, but it will be at the expense of your good relationship.

When you yell at a child, you deprive him of the opportunity to learn something, and you also deprive yourself of the opportunity to teach him something. When a child is shouted at, he does not understand why he should put down the knife, remove his hands from the socket, or go to brush his teeth. He does this only so that his mother does not scream. Therefore, when you speak calmly, he does not hear you. You find yourself in a vicious circle when you have to scream all the time so that the child obeys you.

The child obeys you not because he understands the consequences of his actions. He does this not because you spent time, explained, agreed with him. The child does this because he is afraid.

Understand your problems

If you were yelled at as a child, you may be yelling because you remember these models. It is difficult for you to pull yourself together in time and figure out: “I repeat my mom, I repeat my dad. It's not me who screams, it's my experience that I got as a child, it comes out". You can raise your children differently, without yelling, even if you were yelled at by your parents as a child.

If you are tired, then in order not to break loose on the child, you just need to find time for yourself. This is just as important as making time for your child. Organize your day in such a way that you have the opportunity to do what gives you pleasure. Read a book, take a bath, take a walk, call someone you enjoy talking to.

Restraining factor

When you start getting angry and angry, be more aware and say to yourself: “Now I’ll think for a minute why I’m angry. Maybe I had a bad conversation on the phone? Maybe I'm worried that I won't be able to do something tomorrow?.

It is important to understand that your child is not the reason that you are angry with him now. Over time, this will become your habit and the problem of how to restrain yourself and not scream at the child will gradually be resolved.

When to visit a psychologist

If it is difficult for you to figure out your situation on your own and you decide to seek advice on how to stop yelling at a child, to a psychologist, then remember: the responsibility for the fact that the child behaves one way or another lies with the parents.
Thus, to learn not to yell at a child, try to change something in your behavior and in the situation in which you find yourself.

P.S. If you liked this article, please share with your friends by clicking on the buttons social networks left. And, as always, I welcome your comments and questions below.

To help parents who want to improve their relationship with their child and learn more about positive parenting, I regularly conduct a free online course "Relationship with a child without screaming and punishment." Click on the banner below to sign up.

Found a great article. She inspired me directly and I am enthusiastic to try it with some modifications.

For seven days without raising your voice to a child? This is impossible! Having received a new task from the editors, I made a real coup at home. And although the experiment was not completely successful, in the end everyone won.
For many years now I have been writing for The Only Article about the relationship between children and parents. I communicate with qualified psychologists, read specialized literature, debate with moms and dads... But, as you know, a shoemaker often goes without boots. So I can’t call myself an ideal mother even approximately.

And one of my weak points is the habit of raising my voice to children in stressful situations. Choleric by nature, I instantly turn on when I see that my 11-year-old son does not pay attention to my remarks, and I repeat the request an order of magnitude louder. “Mom, you’re screaming again,” he sadly states in such cases. "Yes! Because you don't understand otherwise! I make excuses. Sometimes a one and a half year old daughter gets it, if she defiantly ignores the word “no” ...
Is it possible to influence a child without raising his voice? I seriously asked myself this question when I started the editorial assignment: try not to yell at the children for a week and report the results in writing. On the one hand, I was delighted: finally, there is an incentive to consolidate in practice what I write about so often in theory. But on the other hand, she was saddened: it’s necessary to constantly restrain yourself! The result of my experiment is before you.
The first day. Complete failure

From the very morning I felt the importance of the moment and showed my family a good mood. She repeated to Andrei several times in a calm voice so that he would not forget, like yesterday, to make the bed. She kindly scolded him for being disorganized: again, he hadn't made sandwiches since the evening. When Sofiyka flatly refused to eat oatmeal (she just spat on me and half the kitchen with it), she meekly sighed and did not force me to. But what can I say, all day I kept up the good work, constantly controlling the volume of my voice! “Mom doesn’t yell at us!” Andryukha rejoiced. Happy early!

In the evening, pretty tired, I tried to calm the children who had gone wild. Sonya methodically plugged chargers into the outlet, and I taught her that the outlet is “ouch!”. Andrey played with a new electronic toy given by his grandfather for his birthday. The essence of the game is that he looks into a mini-camera and sees on the floor, walls, beds of some small dirty creatures that must be destroyed. Child in the heat of the moment: “Mom, look! Mom, just look! Mom, help me kill him!"

Noise, hum. Sofiyka, taking advantage of the fact that I was distracted by the monsters, grabs Andryukhin's whistle and, continuing the theme of the socket, sticks her finger into it. The son, excited by the game, screams heart-rendingly: “Mom, don’t give her my whistle!” I snatch the ill-fated whistle from the baby and jokingly throw it at Andryusha. But according to the law of meanness, I hit him right in the eye ...

What started here! The room was filled with a frantic cry: "Aaaah, I can't see anything!" Immediately Sofiyka roared - the whistle was taken away! And I, forgetting both the task and the promise, shrieked piercingly: “Andrey, turn off the game immediately! She made you crazy!” “Well, we have a madhouse,” commented the husband from the next room ...

After 10 minutes, the game was hidden, the son calmly read the tale of Kotigoroshka, and the daughter quietly played with children's dishes. What, one wonders, was so yelling? I would have taken the electronic toy half an hour ago, there would have been no tantrums. I saw that the child was already overexcited! So no, she went on about him, but as a result it turned out worse.

Conclusion: You scream when you lose control of the situation. In order not to lose your temper, you need to clearly follow your own rules of upbringing. Alas, today I have a "failure". Let's see what happens tomorrow.

Second day. First victories

This time, Carlson's famous words became my motto: "Calm, only calm!" The day didn't promise to be easy. I courageously withstood my son’s morning whining on the topic: “I don’t have time!” - and did not answer annoyed: “You should have got up earlier!” She patiently cleaned up a few puddles behind Sofiyka, who stubbornly ignored the pot. She ate semolina porridge for her daughter, looking doomed as she wraps the vermicelli prepared for her brother.

Everything was going great until lunch. But when Andrei returned from school, difficulties began. "I don't want soup! I ate soup for lunch yesterday and the day before yesterday, ”my eldest offspring was capricious. Out of habit, I began to persuade him to eat at least a spoonful. He resisted. Feeling that my nerves were about to fail, I changed tactics. And as quietly as possible she said: "Do not eat."

The son decided that he had misheard. “Mom, did you let me not have soup?” “Of course,” I repeated almost in a whisper. - But, alas, you can’t eat anything else either, not even poppy dew. When you're hungry and want soup, come." Not a single muscle twitched in my face. The son happily ran out of the kitchen. Needless to say, when he returned from English two hours later, he himself warmed up the soup and ate it with appetite (at least it seemed to me)?

“Be creative! – I praised myself in the evening. - Look for new ways to solve problems. And maybe you don’t have to scream!”

Day three. Mom needs a rest!

What do you want to sleep! Sophia made a bright night. Now she is snoring sweetly, and I am trying to gather myself into a creature that is called mom. A tired person gets irritated twice, no, five times faster. But now I know the recipe: when you want to scream, you need to speak as quietly as possible. It's also important to relax. Do not dramatize the situation. Smile inwardly.

"Bamtz!" The sound of breaking glass interrupts my thoughts. Sonya pulled a plate off the table and did not hold it. And the floor in our kitchen is tiled, everything breaks into crumbs. I look at the fragments of the plate and smile inwardly. For luck! I comment: “It’s good that it’s not a jar of jam.”

And today I have to work. But this is unrealistic. The elder will have to explain French, which I myself do not know. Saves translator in Google. But the youngest, barely seeing the luminous computer monitor, climbs onto the table to knock on the keys with the force of a jackhammer and twitch the mouse. At the same time, children whine in sync. Madhouse ... I sigh and keep quiet. I swallow a scream. I speak very, very quietly. The children are listening. They seem to be more attentive to my requests! Alas, it only seems so.

“Time to sleep,” I whisper. "But tomorrow is the day off!" Andrew resists. "Titay!" Sophia holds out the book. "Titayu". Half an hour later I repeat: “Time to go to bed!” “Mom, just a little more!” - "Titay!" After another half an hour of squabbling, the command-combatant still treacherously breaks out of my mouth: “Spa-at!” "You're screaming," says the husband. "Yes! - I no longer hold back. - Yes! Because I didn't get enough sleep and I'm tired! Because I spent the whole day taking care of the children and the household! Because the house is still a mess! And they don't listen to me!"

This is already hysterical ... Grabbing Sofiyka in an armful, I go to bed without conclusions.

Day four. Turn on a sense of humor

Saturday. Andrei was taken away by his grandparents. The husband is at home: he walks and plays with Sofia. I rested. To remain calm, I don’t even have to make an effort: there is no reason to scream! Everyday little things like spilled soup or scattered cereals are perceived philosophically.

However, once I still almost broke. In the absence of her brother, Sonya explores his room in a businesslike way. He climbs into all the lockers and scatters the contents, and I patiently put them in place. Definitely wants to sit at his desk and draw. Well, I seat the dear child on a chair, put a blank sheet of paper in front of him, give him a pen ... And I remember that the kettle is about to boil. It seemed like only a couple of minutes had passed while I was making tea. Sofia is passionate about drawing. But where? I walk up to the table and get cold.

Fine cobwebs and cheerful scribbles adorn her brother's report card, which she took out of the diary lying on the edge of the table. "Ah-ah-ah! .." It's not me! It's someone in my head. And I am silent. In the end, she herself is to blame for leaving the girl unattended.
How did I say not to dramatize? I call my husband and we laugh at the situation together. “Maybe let him paint the diary at the same time? The brother will be delighted,” I joke. I called the teacher: it's okay, a new report card costs only 3 hryvnia. And I almost completely thwarted the experiment because of such a trifle! Only one question remains open: how will Andrey react to Sonya's art? I hope you laugh like us!

Day five. All in business

Sunday is the hardest day. Because everyone is crowding in the apartment and our usual daily routine is violated. And when the regime is broken, small children become insane. Sofiyka rushes about the rooms with a squeak, chasing her brother with a toy sword, and I understand that it is unlikely that I will be able to put her to sleep during the day. Pathetic traces of the order that had been put in place yesterday remained. How do families with three or four children live? I remember my cousin. She has three. To cope with her tomboys, she constantly comes up with joint actions: “We make dumplings”, “We sew dolls”, “We cook holiday cookies”, “We draw postcards”. "Let's make pizza," I suggest to the family.

And now the whole family is at work. The husband cleans vegetables, which Sonya puts in a bowl. I am kneading the dough. Andrei bravo rubs cheese. Fun and calm at the same time. And most importantly, the result exceeded all expectations! The pizza turned out - you will lick your fingers. But why is everyone running out of the kitchen? Back! Cooking together, cleaning together. After all, cleaning can be fun.

Properly organized process - here it is, the secret of peace! Then mom will not be so exhausted as if she grabbed everything herself. And children will be happy to help: they really like to do something without coercion. And further. From joint affairs you get a powerful positive charge that helps to maintain balance. No scream!

Day six. Site test

Sonya and I meet Andrei after school. He's in no mood. He shares school news: he was transferred to the first desk, they didn’t give grades, they asked a lot of “homework” ... There is terrible mud and puddles on the playground. As an everywhere. But we need to get some fresh air. Sofiyka wants to ride on a wet swing, spin a rusty carousel and run around a dirty and slippery tennis table. Do not let - cry. Let it go - it will look like a scarecrow. "Okay, I'll do it!" - I decide in favor of proper education. The daughter takes off with joy and immediately flops into a huge puddle. Face down. And then she sobs, rubbing the sand on her cheeks with her dirty fists. The background of this action is the refrain: “Mom, please buy me at least something. Mom, I'm so sad! Even Chupa Chups. Buy it!

But you won't take me with your bare hands! I calmly wipe Sonya with wet wipes. Then I allow Andrei to buy straws. Satisfied, he rushes around the site, posing as an Indian, squeals, climbs to the very top of the children's tower - and inadvertently splashes mud on the boy standing below. "Calm down your son! - a pretty grandmother in a black curly coat addresses me menacingly. “I have been watching him for a long time. Is it possible? No upbringing! The tirade lasts another three minutes. I feel like I'm boiling. The mouth is already opening to shout: “Andrey, calm down-I-I!” But… I don't yell at children now.

"Sorry! Excuse me, please, - I say to my grandmother, smiling from the bottom of my heart. - He had six lessons, and he finally broke free. I can not do anything. Sorry".

“Ah,” the mistress of the curly coat and the splashed boy suddenly answers with understanding. - Well then, it is clear. Let him run!"

Haha. The incident is over. But Andrey didn't want to run anymore. We go home, dirty but happy. And, it seems, the grandmother did not take offense at us.

Day seven. Fixing the results

My son and I agreed as follows: I repeat each request no more than two times. On the third, he gets a light crack. At first glance, it is non-pedagogical. But it does not come to cracks. Afraid of my menacing appearance. And I don't have to scream. On special occasions, I write notes to him: “Wipe the dust”, “Field the flowers”, “Time to do homework”. These notes replace the raised voice. In addition, they hang before his eyes, reminding him of pending deeds.

If Sofia is guilty, I calmly tell her: “Ai-yay-yay! Go to the corner." She knows where "her" corner is, and, lamentingly repeating "ay-yay-yay!", Heads to the place of punishment. Stay there for a couple of minutes and you're out. I think she understands what she did wrong.

By the way, I noticed that the older one can take the younger one very well. The main thing is to find something interesting for both. For example drawing. And the son with inspiration teaches Sofia something new. Just don't disturb them with your teachings. And in these bright moments I can sketch a few lines ...
In the evening, if I feel very irritated, I leave everyone and go to the bathroom. 15 minutes under a warm shower - and I'm back in shape.

I also began to load my relatives with homework more. We don't have servants! Everyone cleans up after themselves.

The results are impressive. The children are noticeably calmer. After all, I almost do not scream! Almost, because when I explain something to them for the second, third, nth time, elevated notes sometimes appear in my voice. I can't get rid of them yet. But honestly I try. Not all at once, gentlemen! I believe that I will get rid of the habit of screaming. But I won't lie, it's hard. You need constant work on yourself. But no one promised that it would be easy! Patience, patience and once again patience, which I sincerely wish you!

Victoria Vitrenko

), this time about relationships with children. Longrid, that is, multi-books.

Many parents are well aware that it is not necessary to yell at their children, and scold themselves for yelling - but for various reasons they cannot stop. Sorry for the parents, sorry for the kids. I did very detailed instructions that will teach you what to do if you really want to stop. There will be no instructions in the instructions on how to intimidate and drill children so that they no longer need to shout at them. There will also be no “just understand that…” magical passes. And most importantly - there will be no tragic enumeration of the consequences of a scream. It still doesn't work, it just overwhelms the parents with guilt - but for some reason, every article begins with this.

In this manual - only specific steps, schemes and self-help, only hardcore.

I know you're drowning in an ocean of guilt and shame every time you fail to hold back again, and in between these times, and generally almost all the time. You consider yourself a bad, unrestrained, hysterical parent and think with horror about how many years your child will go to a psychotherapist when he grows up.

So.

Immediately, stop right now. You need to stop the flow of toxic guilt, at least for the duration of this manual. Not because you are right, not because you behave well, not because of that. But because while you are in the zone of guilt, we will not be able to change anything at all. This is a fuel that feeds only itself, and burns everything around. So for starters, it is very important for us to get out of the “right-guilty” layer into the layer of responsibility. Try it.

So, you need to do your best to stay in the area of ​​​​responsibility, without falling into guilt and shame. Save energy and don't pour water on this mill, because you will need it for another. Agreed?

It will take some time before you learn not to scream. At least a few weeks, sometimes months. If you shout often, then this is already an old and strong pattern of behavior. It is impossible to quickly learn another pattern (the old one always lies closer and does not require effort). So, for a while, you will be learning, trying new things and gaining experience. Most likely, during this time you will again break into a scream several times. This is normal for several reasons:

- firstly, absolutely no one can immediately “get up and go”, you have to fall and stumble several times;

- secondly, a relapse is not always a relapse, sometimes it is the “last check” before the final transition to new life;

- thirdly, children are imprisoned for testing their parents for strength and stability. It's part of their childish process, so they can come up with new ways to get you to react while you work through the old ones.

But you'll get through it all in the end, I'm sure. Just not immediately, not immediately. You need to be patient.

Well, let's get started.

Let me tell you about the wonderful things that will happen when you stop screaming:

1. Children will feel safe with you and will not be afraid of you;
2. Children will feel that you are in control, that you are a stronger and more responsible figure than they are;
3. Children will learn many ways to respond to situations when someone is tired, angry, exhausted, etc.;
4. Children will learn responsibility and get used to looking for ways to solve a problem, and not just ways to release emotions for relief;
5. Children will learn that in order to solve a problem, sometimes it is necessary to change their behavior, and not just wait out the scandal;
6. Children will listen to you not only when you speak in raised tones; and in principle, they will listen to you more;
7. Children will not yell at others, incl. then to their children.

Why are you screaming? There are background factors for screaming, and its momentary causes. Let's consider them separately.

maternal isolation.

It can be both paternal and grandmotherly. The condition is that you are permanently responsible for the child 24/7, for months and years in a row, which is why you are sharply limited in your personal and social life. It is one of the known risk factors parental aggression. The term "maternal" means that women are most often isolated, incl. in the presence of husbands. The mechanism here is this: that parent who feels “locked in” because of the child, and is forced to carry the burden of parenthood alone, gradually gets tired. When fatigue is close to critical, natural protective anger begins to accumulate against the "cause".

Exhaustion.

We include here lack of sleep, any overload, background fatigue from life, depression, many chronic diseases and other things that consume your mental and physical resources. People are not made of iron, it seems to be understandable and simple thing, but we diligently ignore it and trudge on, on parole and on one wing. But the smaller the resource, the more primitive the psychic defenses (because there are no more forces for more complex ones). Among the most primitive, there is always a scream somewhere.

Perfectionism.

Perfectionist parents have a wildly hard life (I say without a drop of irony). Any children are pieces of raging plasma, chaos itself with a capital X. Not every adult with a stable psyche is able to withstand them for a long time. And for an unstable person, for whom the order and correctness of what is happening is very, very important, it is even more difficult with children. If the children are also their own, then, in addition to causing chaos around and inside, they also personally emotionally involve their parents, because they are not “correct”. They do not comply with any rules and laws, do not live up to expectations, etc. In general, in hell for perfectionists there are not chipped boilers at all, it seems to me, but children. A lot of children. Scream here.

Stress.

The cry of a parent is one of the possible automatic stress responses of the psyche to a strong negative event associated with the child. So strong that the parent-child system is threatened (real or perceived). In response to the threat, a natural process is triggered in the parent's body that changes the chemistry of the brain and body. The process is similar to that of a hazard. So that we can act quickly, certain hormones begin to be produced in the body, with the blood flow they go to the target organs (heart, brain, muscles). At these moments, the complex and rational parts of the brain are temporarily “turned off” to reduce reaction time. We are starting to use the older and more "animal" part of the brain. Unfortunately, all her answers come down to the well-known “fight, freeze or run”, so thoughtful and safe parental behavior does not work.

• Powerlessness and despair.

Your child does something wrong over and over again. And it is very important for you not so much the perfect performance, but the feeling that he is at least learning and changing, but he, the feeling, is not. Everything is exactly as it was. You are fighting like a fish on ice, you are wasting your last strength - and still you cannot move or change anything. And in the next situation, which mirrors the previous ones, a powerless cry arises: I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!

• Completely exhausted powers.

This is a defensive cry. It appears when there is a real threat to your mental state. For example, you have used up all your mental and physical strength, but the child, house, life and environment continue to actively demand bestowal from you right now, without asking if you can. At the moment when the last drop of strength remains, and someone again demands something, your body gives an alarm signal - and this demand begins to be regarded as an attack. And we scream STOP! LEAVE ME ALONE!

• Rage.

Dr. Winnicott, a psychoanalyst, wrote that absolutely all mothers feel that their children control, exploit, torture, dry and criticize, and any mother periodically hates her child, which is completely natural. Unfortunately, different moms very differently resistant to this conflict - to love and hate the same child at the same time. Those who are not good at maintaining this balance may break out more often to scream, and not only to him.

• Feeling like we're being torn apart.

Also a defensive cry, aimed at stopping the tearing. One child is crying, the second right now wants to play robbers and waves a plastic knife in front of your nose, the phone rings loudly, the spouse from the other room asks about something, from all this you stumble and drop the cup, and you need to immediately sweep up the fragments, otherwise someone gets cut. At the moment of overlapping the many aggressive requirements of the environment - your psyche turns on a red signal: DANGER! I AM NOT ENOUGH FOR EVERYTHING!

• Disappointment in a child

Do you know the painful feeling when your child knows and remembers everything perfectly at home, but at a lesson or at a concert he hums, makes mistakes and shows a much lower level? Do you know the unpleasant feeling when you explain it to him 30 times, and on the 31st it turns out that he did not understand? And when you discover that in some ways he still thinks and acts very primitively, although he seems to be smart? And what happens to you when other children are more successful and smarter? Do not bitter thoughts creep in that something is wrong with him? ... All this is called “violated expectations”, and it is experienced the more acutely, the higher these expectations were initially. Unfortunately, few people know that children are children. If a child slows down on a “show of skills and knowledge”, then it is not that he is dumber than you thought, but simply loses part of the brain resource from stress. That is, your child is not the ideal one who produces an excellent result in any situation. Basically, parents have nowhere to find out about this, and they beat their expectations very painfully. And scream from this pain at the children.

• Personal trigger firing.

A trigger is an irritant event, something that causes an immediate violent reaction in you. Usually all triggers come from the past and mean either an unresolved (micro)trauma, or negative experience. For example, you don't wrap double messages. Or your “visor falls” when there are loud squeals around. Or you are literally thrown up when you are interrupted and not allowed to finish. Or you twitch when touched without asking. Or you instantly become enraged at the hint that you are a bad mother. And so on. A trigger is always a portal to a piece of living past pain, and the result at the level of your behavior is appropriate.

• Damage and the desire to punish.

Such screaming is a frequent consequence of childhood trauma in a parent (including from screaming and corporal punishment in his own childhood). Traumatics, even worked out, are very little resource. And they also have lifelong memories of the nightmare that they once had to endure during the trauma itself - just then the lack of a resource turned out to be critical. They don't want to go there anymore. They are ready to defend themselves with teeth and claws if they feel that they are sliding into it. Therefore, parenthood for traumatics is a separate challenge to all their forces, not only because of the threat to the resource. But because the characters of the Karpman triangle pop up on the stage every now and then. For example, the desire to yell at a child for his moral or other damage is a cry of pain and rage of the victim: PUNISH THE AGGRESSOR!

• Feelings of loss of control and helplessness.

It is important not to get confused here. A scream is itself a moment of loss of control and helplessness. But sometimes its cause is also a feeling of loss of control and helplessness. Such a vicious circle. For example, for some business it is very important for us that everything goes in order. Once - and something disturbed the order, we managed. Two - again failure. They did it again, but with difficulty. Three, four, five ... At some point, there is not enough strength, and everything flies into hell. Whether you scream or not depends on how important it is for you to maintain control specifically here and in general in life. If control is your sore subject, then you will often break down on this point.

• Experienced fear for the child.

I'm not talking about that SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sound we make when we see a kid running under a car right now. No, I'm talking about the cry after the fact, when the threat has already passed. You have probably seen how parents yell at children or punish them after being pulled out of a dangerous place, or found lost, etc.? The reason is an extremely strong emotion of fear, which the parent's psyche cannot cope with on its own. There is no habit, for example, or no one has taught, or something else. Then all this waterfall falls on the one who caused the experience. And it does not matter that he is small and should not be responsible for this emotion at all.

• Feeling inadequate as a parent.

When we have kids, it's pretty normal to fantasize about how it's all going to be. What kind of children they will be, what kind of parents we will be. Fantasies somehow revolve around perfect image”- for someone it’s a pastoral with three happy children and a calm mother at Sunday breakfast on the veranda, for someone else. It’s not for me to tell you that the realities of parenting tend to be quite the opposite. And when we very painfully knock on our failures in achieving this ideal, when we are afraid that the child will see our parental mistakes and also understand everything - we can scream.

• Desire to blow off steam

The item is partially similar to item 9, with one small difference. In this version, the parent yells at the child from his own strong feelings, to which the child has no relation at all, even indirectly. Got under the arm, in short, and was not strong enough to answer. Unfortunately, those who scream for this reason very rarely read such manuals, because for them the “hit the nearest, who is weaker” scheme works quite well all their lives, and they consider it very correct.

What to do with all this?

I think you need to learn new behaviors, responses and habits that will help you through all these moments so that you can avoid them without a fight.

1. Announcement.

Directly announce to the children and family that you are going to stop screaming. This is psychologically extremely difficult to do, but at the same time it will help you a lot (not only to re-establish contact, but also not to give up). You can add that you will learn, and, unfortunately, you will not learn right away. There will be mistakes, but you will gradually control yourself better and better, and in the end, you will definitely defeat the cry.

1. Permission.

Give children permission to interrupt you or leave the room when you start screaming. No consequences for them. Yes, it's impolite and against the rules of decency, but your cry doesn't fit into them either. So give the kids this opportunity to act so they don't feel like victims. In addition, the child will thus give you a very clear signal that you have lost control - which in itself will help to return to reality.

1. Support.

Ask for support and help from family and close friends. Talk to them, acknowledge your problem. It may turn out (and most likely will turn out) that one of them had or has similar difficulties. Perhaps relatives will also have fresh ideas what can be done, or useful observations from the outside about your typical triggers. It's great if one of them agrees to help you right at the moment of the cry - you can agree on exactly how.

1. Mantra.

Come up with a mantra that will be your lifeline and catapult out of the emotional funnel. Learn to remember and use it in situations where you are stormy, you have lost control and do not understand what to do. Usually this is a simple phrase of 3-5 words, meaning something that you would like to strive for and for which you started everything in general. I really like, for example, this one: "I choose love." Or I met another option: "Scream - only for salvation." If you say these words to yourself at the moment of loss of control, it is much easier to stop.

1. Feelings

In our mentality, two extremes are very common: either we accumulate emotions, or we let off steam on everyone in a row. Often one goes into another - the pressure in the boiler builds up and breaks off the lid, and then we save up again until the next breakdown. And meanwhile, both of them are harmful to health and family. Start mastering the intermediate option: notice your emotions, acknowledge them and give them a place. That is, bring feelings and experiences into communication BEFORE your head starts to burst.

1. Stop.

Stop at any moment. Not only at the beginning of a quarrel, and not only when you are already tired of screaming. No, you can do it in the middle of a phrase, and when you are emotionally unwinding, and when you have already suffered - in general, absolutely at any second, as soon as you realize that something is wrong again. At any moment you can interrupt yourself and not continue further, and this will be a huge breakthrough, and you will be great. When you do it for the first time, you will find out how resourceful it is. I wish you to taste it as soon as possible.

1. Time-out.

Use parent timeout. What exactly does this mean? If you find yourself losing your temper, physically separate from the child, move away from him (ideally in another room). Wash your face - preferably with cool water. Drink water or eat something small like a cracker or an apple. Breathe deeply and slowly, 10-15 times. And return to the child - not earlier than in 5-7 minutes. All this is necessary for the biochemical compounds in your blood and in the brain that are responsible for anger, stress and impulsive actions to be broken down or transformed.

1. triggers.

It is quite natural to lose your temper if you are attacked by something irresistible and painful. Therefore, you need to think about how to minimize such attacks. Write down on the sheet all the triggers that throw you personally into the scream zone (see the theoretical part - you can take it from there and supplement it with your own). Hang this sheet where you will see it often. Gradually memorize triggers, learn to note their appearance, as well as the layering of triggers. When you are already well oriented and notice everything in time, start planning to avoid, work through or compensate for triggers (it makes little sense to plan ahead, because the choice will appear only after you get used to observation).

1. Analysis

The point is related to the previous one. Carefully observe your life and how many “risk zones” you have and how they are distributed. For example, periods when you are very tired, when triggers overlap, when you are overloaded with tasks or are in a hopeless situation.

It will be great to eventually make something like a table, graph or map, in which problem areas will be marked. Can you imagine Yandex traffic jams? It might look something like this: the road is green - everything is in order, it turns yellow - you need extra care, if we go into the red zone - there is a high risk of breakdown and screaming.

I will give here an example of a plate of a spherical working mother with two schoolchildren. In every cell of the day and time, cases and processes are inscribed that potentially threaten to disrupt the internal “regulator”. Explanations in brackets. Empty spaces mean that everything is "clean" at that time. Then you can color all the “dangerous” cases in red, “average” in yellow, and “almost good” in green, and see what happens.

More than three yellows or 1-2 reds in a row - a potential breakdown and screaming. A few yellow and a few red together - an almost guaranteed breakdown and scream (here it is clearly the very morning and evening 18-20 hours).

If you prefer numbers, then rate each case on a 10-point scale. 0 - cloudless, 10 - extremely difficult and nerve-wracking. Then add up the scores and make something like a graph, like this.

You can immediately see where the peak voltage is (usually the potential breakdown zone is 15 points or more, but you can have an individual value higher or lower).

This is one of the ways you can invent your own. The essence of all these visualizations, firstly, is that you learn to perceive your day as a tracker, with regular ups and downs of energy and mental strength, and be able to notice the entrance to the risk zone. You can also ask for help and replacement when you feel that the limit is close. Also, calculations and graphs help you blame yourself less, because it becomes very clear that you are actually depleting a common resource.

10. Optimization

Think about what and where you can change in your life so that as many “red zones” as possible turn into “yellow” ones (or scores drop to at least 10-12). Believe me, I understand very well how difficult and even impossible it can be. But, unfortunately, the answer “nothing can be changed anywhere” will mean that you will continue to break down exactly in the same places as before. Because if your day on Wednesday is built in such a way that by 17-00 there is no strength left, and at the same time you need to continue to function and not sit down until 23-00, then I have bad news for you. There is no magic solution, really.

11. Delegation.

Give and delegate as much as possible. Not only where it is possible, but also where it is impossible. And just forget about the part (especially if there is no one to give and delegate). Yes Yes. Very often those who are overwhelmed with responsibility cry out in the family (including because no one else was eager to take it). And it is wildly difficult to give it away, because it has grown. I'm ready to argue, only you know how to do what is required correctly and on time. Surely family members do not cope with the same tasks at all or cope in such a way that it is worse for everyone later. So they will have to learn, and you will have to temporarily endure poor results. Yes, they may be unhappy with the load that has fallen down, especially if before that you dragged it all meekly. But I strongly suspect that your not yelling at children is in everyone's interest, and it makes sense to make it clear.

12.Self care
Make time for yourself to relax. Preferably at least half an hour a day. Remember the joke "Sha, children, I do you good mom"? You definitely need such time, free from children, everyday life, work and other worries - and not once a week, but more often. Because if the vessel is regularly empty, it must also be regularly filled. Most likely, attempts to win back personal time will first run into resistance - the same children and spouse (children, by the way, generally do not understand well that their parents do not belong to them). But this is a guarantee of your mental adequacy, so you have to be more persistent.

Tired? Nothing, it's almost over.

And finally, something

Is there anything you can do about screaming while you master the algorithm and work on your strategy? Can. There are a number of small tricks that allow you to temporarily "turn off" the scream. I call them cheaters, because they are not very reliable, they do not change the essence of the problem and act only on one or two specific situations. But for the first time they will do.

And finally…

Who read up to this place and not tired, well done. The last thing I want to say here is...

This is their job. They are immature people, they are learning how it all works and what to expect from the world. They definitely need to try your boundaries in order to understand where their own are and what they can rely on. They will definitely experiment with permissiveness and thus learn responsibility. Their prefrontal cortex is still underdeveloped, so emotions often take over and they lose the ability to think and respond appropriately.

They are just kids.

And you started yelling at them not because you had nothing to do. Often it is absorbed from the family, from one's own parents. And many of us don't have any other patterns at all, so it can feel like these bad patterns are ingrained, there's no way to overcome them.

I want to draw your attention to the fact that you have a lot of tools and resources. Your parents did the best they could, but they didn't have psychotherapy, the internet, ready-made child psychology research, parenting courses and groups, this manual, and much more. We have, in addition to all these beautiful things, the knowledge of what exactly of their methods did not work. We can create our own new ways, and our parental behavior - at least on this basis. In fact, our base is much larger.

You beautiful mothers and dads, and I'm sure you will succeed.