To be with children or work. Work or children: how to make the right decision? How to find the optimal solution

How to arrange so that the child does not perceive his business mother as a bad mother?

We all remember the deplorable fate of Scarlett O'Hara ... Remember? She, in full accordance with her solemn oath, set to work so zealously that shops and sawmills absorbed all her attention, and the matter ended with her own children becoming afraid her and tried to stay away from her, preferring the company of those "who understand."

And yet this happens very often. In our time, many believe that all sorts of sentiment is the tenth thing, and the main thing is that the child is warmly dressed and well fed. And they are right in a way. After all, they want their children to have all the best - a commendable desire.

But how is it implemented? Mom throws herself into all serious troubles, disappears at work day and night, and the child either sits in splendid isolation, or goes to grandmothers, or - if wealth allows - is content with the company of a governess who, if she had at least twenty-two diplomas, neither mother nor grandmother will never replace. There are also mothers who generally give the child to grandmothers for good, sometimes even to another city - in the name of the same great goal: "so that the child has everything."

And the moment comes when the inconsolable mother begins to sob bitterly and curse the ingratitude of her offspring, who for some reason moves away from her, prefers to show her achievements and trust her little secrets to someone else, and not at all to her, who got all sorts of goodies for him, beautiful suits and stunning toys.

But just children - these are strange creatures - also do not live by bread alone. They do not need a chocolate bar and not a new car, they need attention, affection, a willingness to work with them, walk together, work around the house together, keep secrets and read books. And when they try to quench your spiritual thirst with "Happy Meal" from McDonald's, you will inevitably become embittered, withdraw into yourself and secretly dream of parents like Vasya or Petya - so that mom and dad come home from work early, so that there is time to talk to them , and argue, and ask where lightning comes from, and plan a Sunday trip to the nearest forest park.

But it could be different! An active, enthusiastic working mother is wonderful. Having such a mother, there is something to be proud of. But everyone knows how important it is for children to be proud of their parents - and not only dad, who can do everything in the world, but also mom, who can, probably, even more than some dads. The problem is that not all professions are able to impress the fragile children's mind. The child understands that a firefighter is the one who puts out fires, and a doctor is the one who heals people, but it will be difficult to explain to him on the fly what a marketing manager does. Words like business woman won't tell him much. Eventually your favorite an interesting, important and necessary thing can remain for a child just a place where his mother leaves him and from where she returns only late at night, tired and twitchy.

There is another important aspect: the fact that the mother is enthusiastically doing her favorite thing helps the child form a positive view of his adult future, in which work will be presented not as hard labor, not serving a sentence for pay, but as an opportunity to fulfill oneself, to do something something that before you in the world and did not exist. After all, one cannot allow children's dreams to be limited to the desire to have everything, but to do nothing at the same time.

How to arrange so that the child does not perceive his business mother as a bad mother? What to do?

Probably the same thing that psychologists advise busy workaholic husbands who complain about cooling from their wives. It is necessary to introduce the child into the world of his work, to share news upon arrival from work and talk more about why his mother leaves her favorite child early in the morning. Of course, some things you can’t explain to a child, but it’s worth trying. Thank God, there are still professions in this world, the purpose of which even a child will be quite obvious. At the same time, it is important, if possible, to talk on an equal footing, to be sincerely interested in what happened in the life of the child himself during that day.

Talking about your work, you can hold a small session of career guidance - even if a son or daughter does not draw any global conclusions from these conversations and does not immediately begin to cost far-reaching plans, but nevertheless this will start thinking about the future. Finally, we are all kindergarten played bakery, atelier and the like - why not play something like this with your child? So you can play in the profession of a journalist, interior designer, webmaster, artist, engineer - but you never know who else. This will be useful entertainment that will not only bring you closer (and after all, no matter how much time you spend with your child, everything will be fine, but not enough), but it will also mobilize the creative potential inherent in every little person from birth. Not every lover of jerking off understands that it is not at all easy to film the sex of drunkards. The operator must not drink.

How to find enough intelligence, kindness and tact in yourself to turn your work from a scarecrow into a friend for a child, where to find strength in such quantity that they are enough for this very work and for raising a happy baby? This, of course, is not easy, but you and I, my dear, said goodbye to a carefree life already at the moment when we managed to be born women. And that's why you shouldn't complain. No one promised that it would be easy to be a mother. Good mom.

Natalya Karpova

IN Lately in my practice as a psychologist, there are many cases when it is difficult for a mother to make a choice - to devote herself to children or continue to work, make a career. How to make the right decision in the case when the family is important, and you don’t want to forget your interests? First I will give the story of one mother, and then my comment.

I am one of those mothers who are more interested in work and their own hobbies than classes with children. I have two children - my son is 9 years old, my daughter is 6. From the second decree until my daughter's five years, I worked a little at home (I'm a translator), but in the end I realized that I was starting to go berserk. As a result, my husband and I changed: now I work, and he is with the children. Of course, he does not "sit" at home, because. children have a busy schedule of classes to which they need to be taken, because we live in the village, and the school and other classes are in the city. Plus, a subsidiary farm - goats and sheep, my husband got carried away and is actively engaged in this. In general, I would not have coped with such a volume of work.

And now I am happy to go to work and home. Of course, the children miss me a little, but according to my feelings, it’s better than being with them all the time, while feeling my unfulfillment and periodically taking out my irritation on them.

My mother has a different opinion and constantly criticizes me for the fact that I "abandoned" the children. And I, remembering my childhood, think that I would very much like my mother then (and now, of course) to allow herself to have her own interests outside the family.

So, on one side of the scale we have work and other adult interests in life (perhaps, a material bonus is also attached to the interest). And on the other - a child or children (already grown up, 3-4 years old and older). And you don't know what to choose. Work - with the attached feeling of guilt for having "abandoned" the children. Or children, with the accompanying feeling of annoyance and anger at the fact that because of them you do not have a job or hobbies.

If you choose a job, then guilt is the payment for choosing yourself, for refusing the public (mother) to follow stereotypes. And, in principle, a normal feeling of guilt will help you with redoubled energy to take care of the house and children when you are not at work, so to speak, to catch up and be at least a little "good" in the eyes of the public (mother).

If you choose children, then the child is viewed by you (you may not even realize it) as an obstacle, an obstacle on the way to something very tempting. And what feelings usually causes an obstacle? Anger, irritation. But a "good" mother (and it's important for you to be "good" mom, since you sacrificed yourself for the sake of the child) will not allow yourself to have such feelings for own child and will carefully hide them. Those. it will be so stressful loving mother. And from time to time it will drain its tension to the child. The baby (or no longer a baby) will make sure that the mother has enough reasons to "sewer" her feelings. He will be aggressive or excessively whiny, will misbehave or destroy everything around. In a word, do everything possible so that his mother does not burst with anger.

In addition, such a mother will make sure that the child appreciates what "sacrifices" she made for him, and will also give the child a sense of guilt. And here such an interesting thing happens. It's called a vicious circle. A child who has grown up with guilt will find it difficult to take steps in life that can increase this guilt (for example, choosing a favorite job). He will "sacrifice" himself, passing on to his children what he once received from his mother. Feeling guilty about your existence in this world.

The choice is yours!

And one more thing - about trying to earn the approval of my mother. Leave it. Nothing will come of it. We are adults when we do adult things, make difficult choices, and take responsibility for it. And when we want our mother to approve us, we are children. And at once together (an adult and a child) we can not fit. You have to either stay "small" and get mom's approval. Or "grow up", but at the same time do not expect that our parents will approve of us. If you like, the ability to withstand the disapproval of parents is an indicator of our adulthood, the degree of our separation from our parents. We are now our own adults. We approve of ourselves, we criticize ourselves. It's good if we approve more often.

Sooner or later, every woman faces a dilemma - what is more important, a child or a career? As soon as a newborn appears in a crib, a woman cannot think of anything but diapers, technology breastfeeding and cutting teeth. At this time, professional growth ceases to interest her. But she must be prepared for the fact that in time she will have to decide whether she will return to her former profession, seeking career growth, or she will remain a "professional mother".

Do you think it is possible to combine family, parenting and career together? Perhaps the majority will answer; but you must understand that this is possible mainly with the support of a partner, relatives or friends. With the help of close people, many women were able to continue building their careers after the birth of a child.

Attitude towards women remains traditional

I must say that in the 21st century in the labor market, the distribution of promising jobs between men and women often depends on the traditions and prejudices of the past. For some reason, it is generally accepted that a man is the “breadwinner and head of the family”, and a woman is primarily a “mother and housewife”. "Church, kitchen, children" - these are the main restrictions, with which, like an invisible fence, they still often try to limit the interests of a woman. Even today, in our time, most employers consider any young woman primarily a potential mother. Or a woman is discriminated against while preparing to become a mother.

Different women, different desires

Every woman can choose her way of life in accordance with her free, independent decision. Although today we are talking mainly about the choice between family, children and career, there are so many women for whom this decision does not present any dilemma. For them, the decision is clear and does not require reflection - they want to have children! And they want to start a family.

At the opposite extreme, there are quite a few women who love their jobs and put so much effort into moving up the corporate ladder that they don't want children. Their profession is much more important for them and brings more satisfaction and opportunities for self-fulfillment than caring for the family.

However, there are also many women who are somewhere in between: they want to have a family, but at the same time understand that, having given quite a lot of time to study, they want to achieve something more in life than just giving birth and raising children. . And they are well aware that, having children, they will be forced to find enough free time to be able to take care of their family. This, of course, can only be done at the expense of a career. And one more thing: women understand that the day will come when the children will grow up and leave the nest; And then what to do with the newly found free time? After all, time is lost, a career is not made ...

We should also mention women who would be happy to stay at home with their children as much as possible, but for financial reasons cannot afford it.

How to find the optimal solution?

From the very beginning it should be said that the optimal solution for each woman will be different, and it is very difficult to generalize the situation. The decision should be based on the desires and needs of the woman herself. Even the Delphic oracle above the entrance had an inscription - "Know thyself." Most likely, in ancient mythology, this statement means that no one can escape his fate, and by studying himself, a person will be able to know his future. But in our time, we can interpret this saying in a different way: we always have many ways and means of solving our problems; listen to your desires, recognize the motives for these desires, evaluate your capabilities - and manage your life in accordance with your deepest desires. This is the only way to understand what is more important for you personally - children or a career; as soon as it becomes clear to the woman herself, the solution will immediately come.

For many women, the question is not whether or not to have a family or a career; main question for them - how to make these two most important components of our life optimally combine with each other. Modern women they don't want to give up their family, but they don't want to give up life outside the family either. Psychologists call such throwing intrapsychic conflicts - when a person suffers from a contradiction between what his body, mind and soul wants and what he has in reality.

Trying to understand ourselves, we must not forget that our behavior and our decision-making are greatly influenced by our ideals and ideas. It is a very common idea among women that ideal woman is able to combine both career and care for children and home. When making a decision for ourselves, we must remember that in real life it is unlikely to do one hundred percent well both.

Which way to choose?

No matter how difficult, yet every woman has the opportunity to follow her choice. There are not so many options, but each of them can be ideal for one of you:

Become a mother immediately after graduation or at the very beginning of a career. This situation has great advantages in that the woman is in ideal age for conception and childbirth. She is full of strength and energy, and all her strength is aimed at creating a new way of life (family, husband and child). She does not have to take precious minutes of communication from her loved ones for the sake of work.

There is one big advantage to staying at home with a child - during three years we have the opportunity to influence the upbringing of the child. During this time, you can teach him the basic rules of behavior, we can teach him to manage anger, disappointment, instill good habits in him. And the child will not suffer from the lack of closeness and love from the mother - what could be more important?!

However, this option may have its drawbacks - the woman will return to work and start her career as a beginner, and will be on the same level with recent graduates, being several years older than them. In addition, some professions require retraining, taking courses (for example, doctors or teachers), and a woman will have less time for family and home.

Postpone motherhood for more late deadline. Then the woman will be able to calmly complete her education, survive the period of practice, gain experience and make a career. Having become a mother, such a woman will be able to safely return to work when the baby grows up. Return to labor activity will not become for her a "jump into the unknown."

This solution has some significant drawbacks: after they feel like real professionals at work, it is difficult for some women to interrupt their career growth and adapt to the role of a disinterested guardian of a small creature. And yet, most importantly, a woman who has postponed the birth of a child at a more convenient time for herself, every year more and more approaches the age when it becomes more and more difficult to conceive, and pregnancy becomes more and more difficult. In addition, such a woman most often gives birth to only one child; she simply does not have time to give birth to a second or more. But often then she has to regret the lost time - having finally known the joy of motherhood, many women want to have several children. After giving birth, a woman often realizes that the pursuit of money and a career is inherently ephemeral, while a child is our tangible continuation, our future.

Have kids and keep working. This path has several options and largely depends on the woman herself and on her environment. It also largely depends on the age of the child and the number of children in the family. Relatives and older children can help a working woman take care of a baby. In the end, the father of the baby can go on parental leave, especially if the wife ends up with higher earnings. In such situations, much depends on how demanding a woman is, or vice versa, undemanding in housekeeping and raising children. If you are satisfied with the way others are doing it, then it will be easier for you to leave the house for helpers and go to work. Or you simply will not spend precious time off work on putting things in perfect order, but spend it communicating with children. And then the career and the birth of a child will not conflict for you.

I must say that high-quality child care does not depend at all on how much time you spend with him every day, but on how much time you devote directly to him, how often you respond when the child needs you. A woman who plays after work with her child for only an hour or two, but at the same time teaches him something, tries to build open and friendly relations, is a much better mother than that woman who keeps her child in sight all day long, but at the same time she is mainly engaged in herself, watching TV or chatting with friends.

Continue to work? Why not!

If you have a good employer who appreciates you as a promising employee, then you can find the best solution that is acceptable to both parties. Each side will make some concessions to serve each other's interests.

For example, there are employers who allow part of the work to be done at home. They will even be happy if the woman continues to do work outside the office - the main thing is not to lose a good specialist.

If it happens that you cannot find a common language with your employer, do not despair. If you are a good specialist, you will always find a job. In addition, while the child is small, you can work in a newly acquired specialty - try, for example, to complete makeup courses or accounting courses. Now there are many specialties that are easy to get while on maternity leave, and then work at home or via the Internet. The main thing is to choose exactly what you will be really interested in, then it will be easier to earn money. If, moreover, you have a loving partner who is ready to support you, then very soon you will be able to make sure that everything will go like clockwork - and the baby will be supervised, and money will begin to flow into the family budget.

Fortunately, most women can rely on a partner, grandparents or other relatives who usually help in the first critical moments. This is also very useful for your partner - close communication with a child contributes to the emergence of a special relationship to the baby, and he himself will be taught to be a father (after all, for him this is not as natural as in the case of a mother).

Children are our joy and happiness

Every healthy woman should experience the joy of motherhood. A child is the true destiny of a woman. Motherhood is the best thing that can happen in a woman's life. The smile of a little princess or prince is an indescribable reward for pain and tension, fatigue and any hardship. Of course, the birth of a child contributes to the reduction financial well-being families, and this often becomes one of the main reasons for postponing motherhood to later years. In the case of single mothers, we are talking about literally fighting for every penny. Sometimes this stage of life becomes a big test for a woman; but women are usually strong in spirit and pass this test with honor.

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I need my mother's warmth and care. However, it will be much more interesting for him to communicate with a woman who has a broad outlook and education.

Psychologists and educators say that the baby cannot be harmed by the fact that the mother works. A child may feel unhappy and abandoned even if his loved ones are constantly at home. He does not need a housewife mother suffering from insolvency and depression, but he will not be happy with a mother who is only busy with work. And then you need a nanny for your child so that you can do your job. But I personally raised my son myself and did not even send him to kindergarten. I could not even imagine that he would not be next to me at least for a minute.

Home type moms.

Half a century ago, a girl who couldn't bake a cake or embroider a napkin felt inadequate. In today's world, the situation is completely different. Women strive to earn at least for their clothes.
If, then acquaintances among themselves call her a loser and a white crow.

The career of a homemaker and a good mother is no worse than the position of chief accountant or head of the legal department. Psychologists and doctors advise to sit with the baby until he reaches 3-5 years of age. Indeed, at this time, core values ​​are determined, interests and characters are formed. You must monitor his physical and mental development to help him if the need arises.

Those who were looked after by their mother, and not by a nanny or grandmother, will endure the transitional age much easier. However, mom should avoid the most common mistakes. There is absolutely no need to overprotect the baby. Even if you are with the baby all the time, he needs to gain life experience himself. Do not turn into a housewife with curlers and a worn dressing gown. Take advantage maternity leave and educate yourself.

About mothers who have completely devoted themselves to the family, they say: “Poor woman! He sits at home all the time and does not see anything around him. But they are very mistaken, such a woman devotes herself to her family and from this she is happy.

Business type mom.

Mom can return to work for several reasons. Maybe she has nothing to support the baby. If the baby asks you: “Why are you leaving again?”, You should not answer: “If I don’t work, I won’t be able to buy toys and clothes for you.” You need to answer something like this: "I work to buy you all the best."

If you do not experience problems with money, but really want to work, you do not need to stay at home. Just explain to the baby that you love to work.

There is another reason why mothers strive to return to work as soon as possible. Many quickly get tired of diapers, diapers, monotonous environment and lack of communication. In this case, it is desirable to go to work. Remember that a child does not need an irritated mother who rips everyone into a bad mood.

However, you may not hear the first word or see the first step. Just do not consider yourself a "cuckoo". After all, the only thing that matters is how exactly you communicate with the baby. If, for example, after returning from work, you start preparing dinner or washing clothes, then it is unlikely that you will be able to communicate with your child. In this case, you should distribute household chores among relatives, as well as purchase a dishwasher and washing machine.

All babies grow up little by little. You'll see, soon your baby will start showing off: "My mom is a lawyer!"

Perfect option.

The best option is if the mother spends all the time with the kids until they go to school. However, at the same time, she needs to engage in self-education, take care of herself and improve her professional skills. She may well find a job with flexible hours or work from home. The most important thing is to correctly allocate time. Just don't work at night. After all, the feeling of fatigue and weakness will only exacerbate the situation.

Hysteria under my windows. Many blame the grandmother - they say, she does not hear the child and he needs to be pitied. The momentary post continues.

Just now, returning home, my ears reacted to whining: "Grandma, you're bad, get out of here ...". I look back - the same boy. Grandma is different. Today there were no rolling on the ground, but the child's speech is not full of new words. Pity him? On the face of a disturbed child's psyche. And it seems to me that it has been broken for a long time. Because such violations the child receives at birth. Or even internally. And in the first year and a half, all this charm of psychos themselves Always shows. The pediatrician and neurologist told me about the difficulties that I would face with the grown-up Tanya during the first examination of the girl. And they weren't wrong. Unfortunately. These children should be taken/carried to the doctor in infancy. Who did not take and spat - he was late.

Returning to the situation with the boy and the fact that "he is not heard." Two different adult women cannot equally not hear the child. They can't react in the same way. The child does not understand that it is IMPOSSIBLE. Either this is the norm in the family, or the child was not taken to the PND in time. Why pity him? And there's probably not much that can be done. I feel sorry for myself. Himself and his child, who will someday face such a jerk. And God forbid, fall in love with such an inadequate.

And now about the parents. Not about this boy's parents - I don't know them and never will. About parents on a global scale. What is more correct - to work and earn money, or to take care of the child, his development and health? A question to which everyone has their own answer. Even my husband and I have very different opinions.

Can take care of a child, develop it, treat it (if necessary), etc. and so on. Diagnoses, if they do not disappear, then by the school they will definitely be smoothed out. In the process of treatment. A child, as a result of regular developmental activities, can become a genius, at the age of seven talking about the nuances of the Gothic style and chatting in several languages. Can be. Or maybe not. He can get sick of it and adolescence when he reaches relative freedom, the same child, whom his mother took care of day and night, will go into all serious trouble. And he will hate school. Although he will still know the languages. He may not go into all serious troubles, but grow up to be a clever and selfish person, but not worth a penny to his mother, who, according to his holy conviction, is OBLIGED to devote all his free time to him.

If the parents do not take care of the child(they work a lot or simply do not want to), then he will not know languages ​​other than Russian before school. And he won’t be able to skate, and he won’t distinguish cinema from theater. Such a child may fall behind in the class. Or maybe become an excellent student who discovered huge world knowledge. He can become a rude fighter, sending everyone and everyone. If such a child had any mental disorders, they will develop into the devil knows what. This is an incurable sadness.

For the same working moms and dads, who don’t care about dancing for two-year-olds and Chinese from the cradle, who are more interested in going to work, a child can become a person with a healthy psyche, which is not overloaded with unnecessary knowledge and not tortured by the fact that “this is necessary”. Such a child will be able to entertain/occupy himself, because he knows that mom and dad have no time to play trains with him and let bubble. The main thing is to hear a neurologist in the first months after the birth of this very child and draw the right conclusions.

Why am I? To the fact that we do not know what our children will be like in ten years. Genius or slow-wittedness is already in their genes and nurtured by the peculiarities of pregnancy, and this can only be corrected, but not changed. Moms can reproach a teenager for “I gave you all my strength, but you are ungrateful.” Moms can boast "I worked and raised you." Moms can tear their hair out “it was necessary not to work, but to take him to the doctors.” We do not know what will grow out of the five-year-old Tan, Mash, Slav and Sash. Will they become diplomatic representatives in China or will they go to rob a Chinese bank.

Whether to engage in developmental activities with a child or not, each individual mother decides. This may lead to genius or lead to nothing. Mom decides for herself - what is easier for her (not for a child, but for her!) - to work, or to study which tree is the last to lose leaves. Ten years later, we will be rewarded for our own mistakes in upbringing and choosing a life direction.

The only thing I don't understand and refuse to understand, this is that it is impossible not to take the child to specialists in the area in which the child has obvious deviations. It's unforgivable. But without applications, you can live perfectly.

I will not feel sorry for children who do not know how to control their emotions if they have crossed the age of three. Because it is these children who then send teachers, bring gas canisters to school and beat old people in the streets. It is too late to pity such children and pity is already useless. The mothers of such children worked, and they had no time. Or they didn’t work, but they believed that they could confine themselves to explanations and pronunciations. There are things that can only be corrected in the first years of life. Something like this.

My reflections deepen this moment also by the fact that I was returning home after a business meeting with a friend. A friend is smart and hardworking. Plows like a horse, 25 hours a day. Building a house, making millions of transactions. Her son is diagnosed with hydrocephalus. The child has problems in many areas, including in the direction of behavior. In the garden they complain, they are kicked out of circles. Mom is working. Mom is happy to work. Even Keshka puts such a mother to me as an example. I ask: "And how do you manage to deal with Cyril if you are loaded up to the throat?" "The speech therapists in the kindergarten do it, and I give him pills." Who will be more adequate at the age of 15, my Tanya or Cyril, time will tell. I don't shy away from anything.