Children get sick because of bad parental relationships. How do parents' fights affect children's health? The impact of quarrels on the child
In systemic family therapy, there is an idea that a child is sick or misbehaves not because, but in order: to distract parents from their quarrels and conflicts. Here is a recording of one of the consultations.
Here we had a situation with a child. It can be explained in different ways, I like to explain it this way. At some point, his temperature rose sharply. He was about 4 months old at that time, he reached 40 degrees, even candles did not help, the situation was very difficult. We did not call the doctor, we asked the district doctor, he says, most likely it is the teeth being cut. It was hard for the child, we didn’t sleep at night, we were worried, it lasted for three days, then it began to subside. At the end of the second day, or even closer to the middle of the third, Olya asked me: “What if he has this toothache - some kind of family symptom of what is happening in our relationship?” It got me interested. I asked myself: what would happen if the child did not get sick, what would you and I, my dear wife, do? We should probably fight right now. She and I began to dig up what was happening and remembered that I had a lot of anger towards her, because at that time it was not easy with money, that year was generally very difficult in terms of money. And she made some kind of waste that anger directly choked me because I did not agree with this waste. I didn’t do anything with myself, how I didn’t dance, I choked and that’s it. I had a point apparently like this, when mental strength was exhausted. And then I understand that if this disease did not exist, then I most likely would not have come to a scandal, but tension in relations would have existed for 3-4 days for sure. And when our child gets sick like that, of course, money becomes completely unimportant, all this is not key, not fundamental, not important. It turns out that the child at this moment diverts our attention to himself, not allowing him to fight among themselves. As soon as we talked it over with her, as soon as I pointed out that all this caused me such feelings, literally after 18 hours the temperature began to decline and he was crawling remarkably tomorrow.
Recently, the same situation happened again when we were in Turkey. We had some tension, we hid it from each other, and then the child again had a temperature, again we all talked with my wife - and the child's temperature went away. Maybe the child is just recovering, but it seems to me that there are downright coincidences.
I am sure that the coincidences are not at all random and the disease helps you put up with it. Just don’t sew the intentions of the child here: the point is not in his intention to get sick for you, but in the fact that you sat down under this matter and calmly spoke all your problems, spoke peacefully and well. Naturally, this makes you calmer, you put up with it.
If you are seriously interested in the question, suddenly the child falls ill on purpose so that you do not quarrel, then you need to start with a boring thing - with statistics. You draw a graph of relations with your wife and draw a graph of the child's health, then you look at the presence or absence of a significant correlation. However, I would not recommend you do this. This is an interesting scientific study, but this is work for science at the expense of the family. For science, this study is useful, but for a particular family it is harmful. The fact is that all these studies are suggestive, they contain an inspiring influence.
Why, how is it?
The very fact of the study already admits the belief that you are to blame for the illnesses of the child with your quarrels. And if a child, God forbid, dies from some kind of cholera, then you will blame yourself for this all your life? Get it out of your head. There is no reason to think that the baby understands your relationship and manages it with the help of his illness. It is normal to assume that the baby perfectly captures the state of the person who is next to him, for example, the state of the mother, and that the state of the mother influences him: for example, if the mother is often sad or angry, the baby may get sick. But to assume that the baby analyzes your relationship, looks at how far you are from each other, notices how you stop kissing each other and start raising conflicting topics - it's too early to assume. In a couple of years, this will be available to the child, and the baby has not yet formed the concepts of "mom" and "dad", he still has nothing to understand these things. In addition, the child initially cares only about himself, gentlemen. He can start taking care of you, his parents much later, only after you teach him this, you form such a value for him. It's just the basics of child psychology, right?
By the way, with what illness did the child decide that in case of tense relations between the parents, his illness would help them? It happens quite the opposite, when a man gets angry as a result: everything is so hard, and then the child got sick and the wife completely forgot about me, no sex, no dinner. The illness of a child does not always improve relations between spouses. You can believe in anything, but there is no reason to talk about it seriously.
And to believe without reason that a child who falls ill takes care of you is rather harmful. Why? It is useful to believe in the child's good intentions, but since there is a connection with the child's illnesses, parents easily load themselves with an unreasonable feeling of guilt for the child's illnesses, and this is already superfluous.
This is as harmful as believing in superstition. Here in my life there are no bad signs, because I know that being superstitious is not good: there is such a sign. I don't think about bad omens at all, and I don't have bad omens in my life. There is an observation: women who are fascinated by the topic of psychosomatics usually receive psychosomatics in full. And men who do not believe in psychosomatics do not suffer from psychosomatics. Both men and women have faith, but women's faith opens the door to psychosomatics for them, and men's faith closes the whole topic. This is all faith, but what kind of faith will we have more productive in relation to our children? We need to believe that children can get sick because of our troubles? Or is it worth believing that our children are healthy enough and will never get sick because of our troubles? Which faith is more productive?
The second one is more efficient. And the first one takes root better, women believe in it more easily ...
Women believe in it more easily, because they want to love the child, they don’t want to be angry with the child, and it is important for them to come up with something to think well about the child, even when it creates additional difficulties for us. They are afraid that they will be angry with the child and will take out their anger on him. Yes, this cannot be done. But decent people know how to deal with themselves, they don’t take revenge on children and always take care of the child, it doesn’t matter if we quarrel with someone close or not.
If we think that already a six-month-old baby understands our speech to him and responds to our appeals to him, then it seems to me it would be more correct to say to him: “Dear child, why did you get sick without asking? Nobody asked you for this. Honey, we will sort out our relationship ourselves, it’s too early for you to interfere in our adult affairs. Please, it's more convenient for us. And if you do not obey and you get sick without asking, I will treat you and pour ice water over you. It is good for health, but the sensations are unpleasant. In short, I do not need you to interfere in our affairs, dear child, without asking the parent. Without our permission - do not get sick, we want to see only healthy. Yes, honey?"
In fact, this is what happens, we say: "Listen, Yang, we'll sort it out ourselves somehow!" He understands these things, he really understands. Everything I say to him, he understands and acts. I do not order him, we agree with him, although in places I tell him that I forbid you to do something. And he does not do this, because I forbade him.
So stop hurting him.
Yes, I forbid him every time, but for some reason I forget to ban him for a long time. Probably, you need to make a reminder ... I'll do it!
And remind yourself: "If I quarreled with my wife, go with her and talk, figure it out, put up. If you can do it against the background of a child's illness, you can do it yourself. You and your wife are already big boys and girls, without a child yourself Of course, you can handle it, and even when your child grows up and begins to understand everything, he should understand that it makes no sense for him to get sick, you quickly understand your affairs without his prodding. always healthy.
Do parents think about why the child often gets sick, suddenly began to stutter or wet the bed? The reason is loud quarrels in the family. An acute topic of the last 10-15 years is family conflict. Children grow up hysterical, capricious, and in adolescence become rude and careless.
Do the quarreling mom and dad guess what the baby feels at this time, how scared he is? The fact that he does not know what to do and how to behave. Scandals at home are a disturbed psyche of a child and a misunderstanding of relationships between people.
Constantly quarreling adults do not have enough time to own child and the baby lacks love and care. Feeling danger during the scandal, the children try to draw attention to themselves.
But the little ones, who have no life experience, do not know how to do it. Smiling, talking, crying does not help. Some children try to commit a fault in order to attract attention.
It is difficult for a child to understand why adults who have only recently quarreled literally in 10-20 minutes behave as if nothing had happened.
Children's behavior in response to parents' quarrels:
- some try to play in the corner without getting caught by adults;
- others freeze in confusion;
- the third goes into hysterics.
The world for a child is a family and, seeing discord, he feels that the world has cracked and is about to collapse. The little man is trying with all his might to return to the old way.
The impact of quarrels on the child
Kids of often cursing parents are afraid that their father (or mother) will leave. Adults often utter words about divorce in anger, not thinking that the daughter or son perceives everything as the truth.
Sometimes mom and dad quarrel over a child. Word for word, and the conflict ceases into a loud scandal for another reason. Adults have forgotten the reason for the start of the quarrel, and the kid still thinks that it is his fault.
Psychologists and psychotherapists note that the child's psyche is formed and consolidated in preschool age. If spouses are irritable, then this will be passed on to children. Conflict situations seen at home injure their psyche and increase excitability, anxiety and fear.
Children who often see angry and fearful parents develop neurosis and even mental illness.
Consequences of quarrels between parents for the child
Aggression, laid down by quarrels between beloved mom and dad, will manifest itself in younger age or a teenager. There were cases when it manifested itself at an older age. The nature of the quarrels affects the degree of consequences:
- curses uttered by parents;
- adult behavior over time;
- frequency of conflicts.
How does parental conflict affect a child?
Scandals in the family have a more than negative impact on children. This:
- Neurotic symptoms: malaise, nervous tics, the appearance of nausea, bad and obsessive habits - the child bites his nails, bites his lips, twists a lock of hair and more.
- The threat of divorce causes fear in the baby, which will manifest itself as enuresis.
- Conflict affects the formation of character and increases nervousness.
Often swearing parents have children who are insecure, aggressive, and do not know how to express good feelings. The loss of parental authority threatens the uncontrollability of the child, he does not appreciate moral and general cultural values.
Having matured, young people cannot calmly resolve the conflict that has arisen and sort out the situation, obsessed with defending their own advantage. Disappointed ahead of time in good relationships, they become unable to gain a positive experience in a team.
They experience difficulties in creating their own family, because in childhood a negative feeling was formed towards the opposite sex.
The impact of parental quarrels on the health of the child
Scientists have proven that frequent stress has a positive effect on the frequency of diseases. The little man does not yet know what to do in cases where the parents swear and the body responds with an increase in temperature. Maternal anxiety negatively affects sleep and appetite as early as 4 months. The baby lags behind in development, reduced immunity causes frequent diseases.
On the one hand, adults protect the baby from diseases, on the other hand, they weaken children's immunity and worsen the child's well-being.
An option is to avoid conflict situations, but if this does not work out, it is worthwhile to foresee actions for such cases in advance.
- Go to another place, even to the bathroom, without expelling the child. A useful method is to write notes without saying a word.
- Try not to scream and, moreover, do not hit objects, do not knock or slam doors, so as not to frighten the baby. It is impossible to say what will not be - a small observer perceives what is said for the truth. It is necessary to explain in understandable language the reason for the quarrel between dad and mom.
- It is imperative to exclude swear words.
- The child is not to blame for the quarrel of the parents, so you can’t vent your own negative mood on your son or daughter.
- Learn to explain your own state, calmly prove and convince the other half of a peaceful solution to the problem. Don't remember past hurts. Do not blame each other, showing that someone is to blame. Do not require the husband (wife) to copy the methods of doing things.
It is useful for a child to see the regret of mom and dad about what happened. Adults should ask each other for forgiveness and make peace with children, being an example to follow. It is important for children to know that they are safe at home, and Bad mood happens to everyone. Show mutual love and happiness more often.
“We will not quarrel in front of the children” is a great decision of parents. But sometimes emotions appear suddenly, but there is no way to take the children away from this spectacle. Looking at children, it can sometimes be concluded that quarrels do not have much effect on them. However, it is not. Do you know how your child feels when the relationship between parents does not work out and they quarrel?
When we are tormented by remorse because of violent quarrels in front of a child, we promise ourselves that next time it will be different, but ... nothing changes. What is missing? Maybe the consciousness of what a child really feels in a house full of squabbles?
"Get out" and "I'm sick of you already!": how does your child feel when you quarrel?
A quarrel between parents is a huge stress for a child. This is one of the biggest mental stress for the baby.
Why? Because in children's world something terrible is happening - people who are his support, authority and most big love start fighting each other. They change facial expressions, use terrible words, become aggressive or cry. The world is collapsing - that's how it looks in the eyes of a child.
Fear
A child whose parents argue often experiences intense fear. Sometimes one of the spouses can throw: “If so, then we can get a divorce!”. Of course, in most cases, such a phrase means nothing and divorce will not follow. But the child has no idea about this, for him it is a real threat.
Guilt
If the quarrel began with an incident related to the child himself (“I told you not to give him sweets before dinner, and you are back to yours!”), The child’s guilt reaches its peak. And it doesn’t matter that the reason is insignificant, and the quarrel continues for a completely different reason - according to the child, it is he who is to blame for everything. And this thought scares him.
Uncertainty
This is especially true for families where quarrels happen often. The child does not know when the explosion will occur. When mom suddenly changes and turns into this woman with a distorted face that makes her go to her room. When dad says "Dad ..?" respond with rage: “Well, what do you want?! I'm not in the mood!"
Helplessness
All the methods known to the child to attract the attention of parents do not work. Smiling, trying to talk, crying - everything will be useless. A child loses a sense of security when something bad happens in front of his eyes.
Panic
After an argument, dad leaves the house. After the doors slam shut with a bang, Mom, crying in the kitchen, pretends nothing happened. A child in such a situation experiences a real panic.
Of course, children react to these emotions in very different ways. Some are silent or pretend not to hear anything, play in the corner as if nothing happened. Others stand and look at their parents, others begin to cry or scream, trying to restore the old order. They react differently, but they all feel the same.
The psyche of a child after numerous quarrels of parents
Feelings and emotions are one thing, but the long-term effect is another. There is no way to make sure that the regular, full of aggression cries and quarrels of parents do not affect the psyche of the child. It's just not possible. If you swear often, then your children are witnessing a million such scenes. And sooner or later the conflicts of the parents will affect the children.
What consequences of quarrels can we talk about?
To begin with, about neurotic, which manifest themselves in physical ailments. The child may begin to experience bouts of nausea, various kinds of tics, he may develop enuresis, he begins to bite his nails, bite his lips - all this is “gifted” to children by parents who often, aggressively and selflessly swear in front of them. And we are not talking about pathological cases when the mother breaks a bottle on the father's head, and he pushes it in response.
All these seemingly not so scary phrases, like “Go to hell!”, “Do you think I can’t cope without you? But who needs you! ”,“ I also found the prince! ” and so on. Such remarks are quite enough for the child to start waking up at night in a wet bed.
Later, of course, we will get a whole bunch of consequences of a psychological nature. An obvious consequence of parental quarrels is a lack of self-confidence in the child. Aggression towards parents and peers appears - in the end, the child must pour out his disappointment, anger and fear somewhere (we do this too!).
Tearfulness, night terrors. And in the life of grown children - a complete inability to resolve the conflict constructively and obsession with their own interests. How much parental quarrels affect children depends largely on how these quarrels look: whether the mother cries, how the curses sound, how long the “lull” lasts. However, quarrels always have a negative and long-term impact on the child.
How to quarrel in front of children?
The most obvious advice is not to quarrel in front of the children at all. But it is not always possible to find out the relationship in private. So, how to quarrel in front of a child? It's simple - agree on a few important rules:
1. If possible, go to another room
Even to the toilet if you live in a one-room apartment. But what is especially important is that you should go to another room, not the child. Sending a child in a harsh tone to his room (with a scream if he starts to protest because, for example, he is watching a cartoon) is a mistake, and it creates in the child the feeling that he was guilty of something. It is you who want to quarrel, so you must go out. In the adult world, too, there is such a rule, right?
2. Without unnecessary emotions and screams
Children are afraid when parents scream. Do not yell, try to speak normally, preferably in a hushed tone.
3. No profanity
No excuses like "I was so upset I couldn't contain myself." Remember that swearing and foul language are something terrible for a child.
4. Without acting out on the child
Your child is not at fault for the fight, so don't take it out on him. A harsh tone directed at a child after a quarrel with a partner is simply disgusting and unfair.
5. Without aggressive movements and threats
Slamming a door, throwing a plate, or slamming a fist into a wall is a terrifying behavior for your child.
Try to use arguments during a showdown, instead of constantly recalling past grievances and reproaching for what happened many years ago. If the child sees how you argue, let him also see how you regret the quarrel. This, plus an explanation of the current situation, means a lot to the child.
The conviction that in happy family there are no disagreements and quarrels, and if people quarrel, it is because they hate each other, it is fundamentally wrong. The family is a living system consisting of individuals, disputes between which are inevitable. Small conflicts help to clarify the problems of the family, the feelings of its members, and if the showdown is not limited to personal attacks, they can lead to constructive solutions to problems, relieve emotional stress, support each other, stabilize and harmonize family relations - in a word, a new level of family development. However, one should learn to distinguish between ordinary, ordinary conflicts in the family and conflict families.
Family conflict- even stormy, with insults and breaking dishes, does not mean a conflict family. Establishing stability in the family is a difficult and continuous process, the result of which is achieved by the joint efforts of all its members. Very important in this good will and the desire for unity.
A conflict-free family: quiet happiness or loneliness together?
A conflict-free family may not be prosperous, since conflicts in it are not resolved, but exist latently, deep inside, and the spouses do not see the point in discussing the problem, in trying to change something. Each of them lives on his own - the so-called "loneliness together" arises. There are no open quarrels and disputes, and outwardly the family gives the impression of being quite prosperous. But chronic misunderstanding and attempts to avoid discussions do not lead to harmonization of family relations.
Families that have lived together for many years are truly conflict-free; families where most of the problems are solved, the spouses understand and accept each other, and their family system is resistant to external provoking factors.
What is a "conflict family"?
in conflict families the picture is completely different: in them conflicts can arise on insignificant occasions, accompanied by lengthy quarrels, disputes with mutual insults and accusations. This leads to an increase in tension, which can be protracted, chronic. Such collisions do not lead to constructive solutions, since they cause negative emotional experiences for all family members. This conflict is destructive because it leads to the destruction of relationships.
The real causes of contradictions in such families are difficult to detect, since they can be forced out of consciousness, hidden behind reliable psychological protection, masked by the sharpness of emotional experiences. Conflicts are layered on top of each other, since their true causes are not recognized, not discussed and not eliminated, but lead to an increase in disagreements, increased hostility and alienation. An image of a conflict family is formed, where common interests are relegated to the background, constant quarrels injure the psyche, give rise to resentment, prolonged stressful conditions.
When conflicts arise in the family, children suffer the most. In conflicting families, the influence on children is not manifested directly, as in the cases of families with clearly antisocial behavior (alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.), but indirectly. Such an influence inevitably affects the personality of the child. In this situation, three scenarios are possible:
- The kid becomes a witness to parental disagreements, scandals, attacks on each other.
- A child can become a "lightning rod" - an object of emotional discharge for both parents.
- The kid can become a tool, a "trump card" in resolving the conflict.
Silent witness of parental quarrels
Parents and children make up one whole, in which parents are the basis, the basis for the mental development of babies. Often they do not realize the measure of responsibility for the future development of the child's personality, his life attitudes, preferences, habits, behavioral style. They rarely think about how their quarrels will affect the psyche of the baby, who is completely dependent on the parents, the atmosphere in the family and the attitude towards him. The feeling of security experienced by the baby in the family gives rise to later self-confidence and trust in the world. And stability in adult relationships becomes one of the necessary conditions for security.
How do parental conflicts affect children?
The dissatisfaction of the spouses with each other and the accumulated irritation, resentment, hostility and even hostility often splash out on the baby. A child who resembles his father in appearance or behavior may become the object of constant discontent on the part of the mother, who projects her dissatisfaction with marriage onto him. She ceases to really perceive the behavior of the child, evaluate his individual characteristics, sees only the bad: violation of prohibitions, deliberate behavior, challenge. The appearance of upbringing turns into intolerance, distrust, negative emotions or even direct aggression towards him.
Often, dad and mom also use another strategy to eliminate mutual dissatisfaction. They resort to increased care, attracting the baby to their side, limiting communication with the other parent. Hyper-custody, permissiveness can be dictated not by caring for him, but by fear of loneliness, anxiety for one's own future, the desire to increase one's role and importance in the family. This strategy is more typical for mothers. Transferring the solution of one's own problems to children creates an even more difficult psychotraumatic situation for the child. Negative emotions towards him, disproportionate demands on his behavior or, on the contrary, complete acceptance of all his manifestations do not allow him to realistically assess his behavior and relationships with others. When parents use the baby as a "lightning rod", they make different demands on him, are inconsistent in their actions and expressions of emotions. Such a conflict exacerbates the feeling of insecurity, the insecurity of human relationships, leads to doubts about the child's own value and capabilities. To some extent, resolving the conflict at the expense of the baby reduces tension in the family, but does not fundamentally solve the problem, while the price of maintaining a fragile balance between spouses is very high.
family dispute resolution tool
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Another reason for family conflict is the baby himself. The inability to resolve their contradictions pushes parents to encourage or punish the baby for such behavior, which would prove the rightness of the warring parties. The child should be good, the way the parents want, but at the same time, the ideas - and what, in fact, it means to be good - are different for both spouses. A child cannot be himself, live in harmony with his individuality, but must meet the conflicting standards of his parents. At the same time, parents can begin to dictate terms. “I don’t love you so naughty,” says mom, and dad says: “Goody will never grow up to be a real man!”
Both statements contain the rejection of the child, his censure, but the requirements for his behavior are different. Behind this contradiction may lie the wife’s rejection of her husband’s peremptoryness, his rigidity, stinginess, rare manifestations of feelings, and the father’s dissatisfaction with his wife, who considers her ideas to be the only true ones, who does not tolerate objections, does not understand the peculiarities male behavior. Instead of trying to reach mutual understanding or mutual acceptance, parents resolve their conflict at the expense of the child.
Often, parents tear the baby apart not only with their demands, but also with questions like: "Who do you love more - me or dad?" or urge him to take the side of one of the parents in a quarrel. The child loves both parents, but he cannot openly show his feelings, therefore he begins to be hypocritical, to assist one or the other parent, and at the same time learns to benefit from such a situation. To get the support of the baby, parents are ready to act by any means - affection, excessive frankness, gifts, promises. They hope that the grown-up child will understand everything, evaluate correctly and judge them. However, often such a baby will later lose clear guidelines, and he will get the idea that it is normal and worthy to take advantage of any situation. At the same time, the child cannot change anything - he is forced to live in this contradictory environment.
Continued parental conflict, transferred to the child, can lead to emotional disturbances in the form of anxiety, low mood, sleep and appetite disturbances. The kid can somehow react to the attitude of his parents towards him - by disobedience, protest, aggression - while he cannot react to the relationship between his parents.
Thus, with any unfavorable type of family conflicts, the child develops intrapersonal conflicts: emotional instability, self-doubt, anxiety, isolation, alienation. Moreover, the child may learn the scenario of conflict behavior as the only possible way to solve problems. This scenario can be reproduced in his future family relationships and in relationships with other people, which causes difficulties in his future social life.
Is it possible to avoid conflicts in the family?
No matter how wonderful and friendly the family is, it is unlikely to avoid conflicts. Disagreements in any family are inevitable, since the family is a complex system of relationships between different people with their own views, values, habits, characters and personal characteristics. The main thing is not to avoid quarrels, but to learn how to resolve them constructively. Exist various options conflict resolution, but the most acceptable way, and also the most suitable for everyone, is an open search for a compromise. Instead of asking: "Who is to blame?", It is better to ask: "What should we do?", remembering that a dispute or even a quarrel always has one goal - to achieve unity of views in solving a problem. In any case, it is necessary to use all means and methods for an open discussion of the problem and its solution.
Well-known American psychologists Ian Gottlieb and Katherine Colby formulated a number of tips to prevent destructive quarrels between spouses:
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In any quarrel, parents should restrain themselves, since marital conflicts cause the greatest harm to children. If a quarrel arose in the presence of children, it should be ended positively, so that the children see that you have reconciled, your union has been restored, nothing threatens them. It is very important to caress each other after a quarrel, maybe kiss - it all depends on how it is customary in your family to show their feelings.
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Parents fight, children suffer
Elena Sergienko
Head of the Laboratory of Cognitive Psychology of the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, Doctor of Psychology. Sciences
Family conflicts or conflict families?
There are quarrels in every family. And that's okay. But some people use the energy of a quarrel for constructive purposes, competently expressing claims to each other and immediately reconciling, while others destroy their own relationships, sulking at a partner for several days in a row, using any suitable opportunity to show their loved one, " how wrong he is,” and – worst of all – they draw children into their quarrels.
The belief that there are no quarrels and quarrels in a happy family, and if people quarrel, it is because they hate each other, is fundamentally wrong. In fact, the family is a living system consisting of individuals, disputes between which are inevitable. They help to clarify the problems of the family, the feelings of its members, and if the showdown is not limited to personal attacks, they can lead to constructive solutions to problems, relieve emotional stress, support each other, stabilize and harmonize family relations - in a word, a new level of family development. However, one should learn to distinguish between ordinary, ordinary conflicts in the family and conflict families. The conflict in the family - even stormy, with insults and breaking dishes - does not mean a conflict family. Establishing stability in the family is a difficult and continuous process, the result of which is achieved by the joint efforts of all its members. Goodwill and striving for unity are very important here. A conflict-free family may not be prosperous, since conflicts in it are not resolved, but exist latently, deep inside, and the spouses do not see the point in discussing the problem, in trying to change something. Each of them lives on his own - the so-called "loneliness together" arises. There are no open quarrels and disputes, and outwardly the family gives the impression of being quite prosperous. But chronic misunderstanding and attempts to avoid discussions do not lead to harmonization of family relations.
Families that have lived together for many years are truly conflict-free; families where most of the problems are solved, the spouses understand and accept each other, and their family system is resistant to external provoking factors. In conflict families, the picture is completely different: in them, conflicts can arise on insignificant occasions, accompanied by lengthy quarrels, disputes with mutual insults and accusations. This leads to an increase in tension, which can be protracted, chronic. Such collisions do not lead to constructive solutions, since they cause negative emotional experiences for all family members. This conflict is destructive because it leads to the destruction of relationships.
The real causes of contradictions in such families are difficult to detect, since they can be forced out of consciousness, hidden behind reliable psychological protection, masked by the sharpness of emotional experiences. Conflicts are layered on top of each other, since their true causes are not recognized, not discussed and not eliminated, but lead to an increase in disagreements, increased hostility and alienation. An image of a conflict family is being formed, where common interests are relegated to the background, constant quarrels injure the psyche, give rise to resentment, and prolonged stressful conditions. When conflicts arise in the family, children suffer the most.
In conflicting families, the impact on children It does not manifest itself directly, as in the cases of families with clearly antisocial behavior (alcoholics, drug addicts, etc.), but indirectly. Such an influence inevitably affects the individual child .
In this situation, three scenarios are possible:
- Baby becomes a witness of parental quarrels, scandals, attacks on each other.
- Child can become a "lightning rod" - an object of emotional discharge for both parents.
- Baby can become a tool, a "trump card" in resolving the conflict.
silent witness
Object of emotional release
The dissatisfaction of the spouses with each other and the accumulated irritation, resentment, hostility and even hostility often splash out on the baby. Child , similar to his father in appearance or demeanor, may become the object of constant discontent on the part of the mother, who projects her dissatisfaction with marriage onto him. She ceases to perceive behavior realistically child , evaluate his individual characteristics, sees only the bad: violation of prohibitions, deliberate behavior, challenge. The appearance of upbringing turns into intolerance, distrust, negative emotions, or even direct aggression towards him. Often dad and mom also use another strategy to eliminate mutual dissatisfaction. They resort to increased care, attracting the baby to their side, limiting communication with the other parent. Hyper-custody, permissiveness can be dictated not by caring for him, but by fear of loneliness, anxiety for one's own future, the desire to increase one's role and importance in the family. This strategy is more typical for mothers. Transferring the solution of own problems to children creates an even more severe psychotraumatic situation for child . Negative emotions towards him, disproportionate demands on his behavior or, on the contrary, complete acceptance of all his manifestations do not allow him to realistically assess his behavior and relationships with others. When parents use the baby as a "lightning rod", they make different demands on him, are inconsistent in their actions and expressions of emotions. Such a conflict exacerbates the feeling of insecurity, the insecurity of human relationships, leads to doubts about one's own value and capabilities. child . To some extent, resolving the conflict at the expense of the baby reduces tension in the family, but does not fundamentally solve the problem, while the price of maintaining a fragile balance between spouses is very high.
family dispute resolution tool
Another reason for family conflict is the baby himself. The inability to resolve their contradictions pushes parents to encourage or punish the baby for such behavior that would prove the correctness of the warring parties. Child should be good, the way parents want, but at the same time, the ideas - and what, in fact, it means to be good - are different for both spouses. Child cannot be himself, live in harmony with his individuality, but must meet the conflicting standards of his parents. Wherein parents can begin to dictate terms. “I don’t love you so naughty,” says mom, and dad says: “Goody will never grow up to be a real man!” Both statements contain a rejection child , his censure, but the requirements for his behavior are different. Behind this contradiction may lie the wife’s rejection of her husband’s peremptory attitude, his rigidity, stinginess, rare manifestations of feelings, and the father’s dissatisfaction with his wife, who considers her ideas to be the only true ones, who does not tolerate objections, and does not understand the peculiarities of male behavior. Instead of trying to reach mutual understanding or mutual acceptance, parents resolve their conflict child . Often parents they tear the baby apart not only with their demands, but also with questions like: "Who do you love more - me or dad?" or urge him to take the side of one of the parents in a quarrel. Child loves both parents, but he cannot openly show his feelings, therefore he begins to be hypocritical, to assist one or the other parent, and at the same time learns to benefit from such a situation. To get baby support parents ready to act by any means - kindness, excessive frankness, gifts, promises. They hope that grown up child will understand everything, evaluate correctly and judge them. However, often such a baby will later lose clear guidelines, and he will get the idea that it is normal and worthy to take advantage of any situation. Wherein child cannot change anything - he is forced to live in this contradictory environment. Ongoing parental conflict carried over to child , can lead to his emotional disorders in the form of anxiety, low mood, sleep and appetite disorders. Baby can somehow react to the attitude of his parents - disobedience, protest, aggression - while he cannot react to the relationship between his parents.
Thus, with any unfavorable type of family conflicts, child intrapersonal conflicts are formed: emotional instability, self-doubt, anxiety, isolation, alienation. Moreover, child can learn the scenario of conflict behavior as the only possible way to solve problems. This scenario can be reproduced in his future family relationships and in relationships with other people, which causes difficulties in his future social life.
Can conflicts be avoided?
No matter how wonderful and friendly the family is, it is unlikely to avoid conflicts. Disagreements in any family are inevitable, since the family is a complex system of relationships between different people with their own views, values, habits, characters and personal characteristics. The main thing is not to avoid quarrels, but to learn how to resolve them constructively. There are various options for resolving conflicts, but the most acceptable way, and the most suitable for everyone, is an open search for a compromise. Instead of the question: “Who is to blame?”, It is better to ask: “What should we do?”, Remembering that a dispute or even a quarrel always has one goal - to achieve unity of views in solving a problem. In any case, it is necessary to use all means and methods for an open discussion of the problem and its solution. Well-known American psychologists Ian Gottlieb and Katherine Colby formulated a number of tips to prevent destructive quarrels between spouses:Be honest about your feelings.
Explain to each other how your spouse feels. Ask questions that help the spouse find words to express their positions. To attack indirectly by criticizing someone or something that is of value to another. Wait until the spontaneous outburst subsides without responding in kind. Threaten your spouse, increasing his insecurity. Put forward positive proposals for mutual correction. For any quarrel parents should restrain themselves, since marital conflicts cause the greatest harm to children. If a quarrel arose in the presence children , it should be completed positively, so that the children see that you have reconciled, your union has been restored, nothing threatens them. It is very important to caress each other after a quarrel, maybe kiss - it all depends on how it is customary in your family to show their feelings.
