Rules for the formation of a child's self-esteem. Secrets of Raising Successful and Confident Girls

Only with age, I began to understand that all the inferiority complexes that a person has come from childhood. After reading great amount Literature, communicating with child psychologists, I tried to find mistakes in raising children, as well as answers to questions that began to overcome me. I did not pay attention to many features in my childhood: why I am afraid to answer in front of an audience, why I meticulously pack things, why I am afraid and cannot earn a lot of money, why I am indecisive and shy when communicating with people ...

Mistakes in parenting

My psychologist friend said that the worst thing is to overcome the "children's anchor" (psychologists use this word as a programmed setting), to find the causes of the fear that were laid in us from childhood. You ask me why? My answer is simple, I am a mother raising 2 children: a boy Valera and a girl Zoya. I would not like to repeat the mistakes in raising children that my parents did. I would like them not to have such complexes in their adult life. Self-respect comes from agreeing with ourselves, from the fact that we accept ourselves as we really are, even if we know our negative sides. A child's self-esteem is strengthened when he has a good relationship with the environment when he successfully completes the tasks set for himself, and especially when he is praised by those he loves.

1. Our fears come from childhood.

It is much worse when parents' thoughts about their baby are negative. Because of this, self-esteem problems begin in adulthood. Unfortunately, I have repeatedly encountered this kind of thinking and heard it from others:

“I never succeed. Why should I take this on?”
“Others always do better. I am mediocrity itself.”
"I always ruin everything."
"I disturb everyone."
“I am not capable of anything. What does she/he see in me?

Who clips children's wings? Of course, we are adults. Parents, grandparents, teachers, close and distant relatives. Instead of encouraging children to develop their skills, we criticize them all the time - thereby taking away their faith in their abilities. We send babies into later life with a baggage of negative, limiting memories. This is easy to see for yourself. As adults, we understand that we are still afraid of new, unfamiliar situations and strangers. We don't know how to respond to compliments. But there is! We perceive minor failures as the greatest failures in life and at the same time we do not know how to enjoy our own successes in life. Why is it so hard for us to believe in ourselves?

2. Unappreciated and wasted talent.

I remember how many years ago, back in primary school When I was seven or eight years old, in art class, I drew a dog. She had big brown ears, small feet and yellow fur on the muzzle. The teacher was delighted, but, unfortunately, the bell suddenly rang, the lesson ended, and my drawing was not graded. A week has passed. I packed my dog ​​in my backpack and ran to school. But it turned out that the teacher fell ill and we got a replacement. When called to the board, I grabbed my drawing, but a minute later, new teacher rudely, with a cry, sent me back to my place. He said that he does not evaluate the work of mothers, but only ours.

3. Criticism and insults are the key to failure.

When I talk with my acquaintances, then to the question “What do you dislike most about your parents? What mistakes did they make in their upbringing?”, they answer me: constant criticism, lack of trust and vigilant control. Historically, children are rarely praised, but repeatedly emphasized that they are wrong about something. Therefore, others always seem better to us, although very often luck is on our side.

Related articles:

So what words and statements lower self-esteem in children, leaving a mark on their self-esteem for life?

• ridicule, mockery, irony:

“How did you, with such a level of knowledge, make it to high school? For losers like you, a place with a shovel in the garden, and not among books!

• orders and prohibitions:

"Sit still! Don't fidget! Do what they say, without arguing!

• constant teachings:

“If you had done this task as I told you, you would have received an A. You always do everything in your own way, even though you see what happens with it ... "

• accusations:

“I’m sure it was you who hit your sister, and I don’t want to hear any explanation, after all, you are older and should be much smarter, and you always have enough brains to break or harm something ...”

• comparisons:

“Look how much more capable your sister is, and she is two years younger, and unlike you, she already knows how to ride a bicycle ...”

• threats:

“If you don’t calm down right now, I’ll show you, as soon as dad comes home ...”

• insults:

"Watch where you're going, you idiot! Are you blind! And why do I need such a child?

4. Adult problems.

In any case, not only children do not like to be spoken to in raised tones, insulted or treated arrogantly. Let's imagine that you were called to talk to your boss. Already at the entrance you hear: “What a stupid project? Did the idiots work on it? If I see something like this again on my table, everything will fly out, and moreover with a bang! I am sure that in my previous job such a situation would have been unthinkable. Well, just a gang of imbeciles. Do you have a master's degree? I'm sure it's bought!"

One person, having heard such a rebuke, will establish himself in the thought that the time has come to change jobs, because he is completely unsuited for this one. And the second ... will go home with the thought that one reprimand does not mean anything yet. Maybe the reason for it - Bad mood at the boss? Is this a reason to spoil your mood?

So let's praise our children. But not blindly, but so that they feel that we see their efforts and appreciate that they want to learn something, try something, learn something. And instead of saying “you always clean your room so well,” notice how beautifully the child stacked the books on the shelf this time.

We live in a society where one of the key values ​​is freedom. We yearn to throw off all limitations and transcend boundaries. We want to raise our children free and independent. But, as practice shows, one can become free only by imposing certain restrictions on oneself.

British psychologist Robert McKenzie believes that the entire parenting experience fits into a three-dimensional approach to raising our children. According to the scientist's concept, most of us use one of three parenting strategies: permissiveness, authoritarian or democratic.

Three approaches to parenting

Who would refuse something to their beloved child? For our child, we are ready to do everything possible and impossible. We are ready to “hit ourselves”, but buy him whatever he wants and do not forbid him to do whatever he wants. This is the permissive approach.

Its main motto is everything for children. Parents who use this strategy are afraid to throw their children off balance. Usually, such adults take part in solving all the problems of children, and those, in turn, grow up with the conviction that parents always owe them everything and that rules exist for others, but not for them.

Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children in an authoritarian manner in accordance with their ideas about the standards of education(usually unrealistically high).

Children must comply with the requirements of their parents. They are obliged to be obedient to authorities, to be busy with work and respect the traditionally established order. All problems are solved with the help of force, through the "winner-loser" strategy. Parents in such families guide and control the child in everything.

Their children grow up with the knowledge that communication and problem solving is a painful process, and that all issues are the responsibility of the parents, and their voice is not taken into account. In such conditions, children often rebel, take revenge on their parents, burst into anger, or, on the contrary, become isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Parents who choose a democratic way of education are guided by the idea that children are able to solve their own problems, they only need to be motivated to cooperate with an adult. Such parents tend to leave room for their children to choose and let them learn from their mistakes. They are focused on cooperation with children, the implementation of the "winner-winner" strategy, their relationship is filled with mutual respect, children take an active part in solving problems. In such conditions, children learn well responsibility, cooperation, the ability to choose and draw conclusions from their actions.

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and reveal to the child his expectations in relation to him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish a hierarchy of family relationships. Numerous studies confirm that children whose families have such boundaries grow up with self-esteem and self-confidence.

The same studies indicate that in families where parents treat children with tenderness and warmth, control them within reasonable limits, while placing high demands on them, children grow up more adapted to an independent successful life.

Therefore, the third of the proposed models can be called the “golden mean” model and proposed as the most environmentally friendly and successful parenting strategy.

We live in a society where one of the key values ​​is freedom. We yearn to throw off all limitations and transcend boundaries. We want to raise our children free and independent. But, as practice shows, one can become free only by imposing certain restrictions on oneself.

British psychologist Robert McKenzie believes that the entire parenting experience fits into a three-dimensional approach to raising our children. According to the scientist's concept, most of us use one of three parenting strategies: permissiveness, authoritarian or democratic.

Three approaches to parenting

Who would refuse something to their beloved child? For our child, we are ready to do everything possible and impossible. We are ready to “hit ourselves”, but buy him whatever he wants and do not forbid him to do whatever he wants. This is the permissive approach.

Its main motto is everything for children. Parents who use this strategy are afraid to throw their children off balance. Usually, such adults take part in solving all the problems of children, and those, in turn, grow up with the conviction that parents always owe them everything and that rules exist for others, but not for them.

Some parents try to shape and control the behavior of their children in an authoritarian manner in accordance with their ideas about the standards of education(usually unrealistically high).

Children must comply with the requirements of their parents. They are obliged to be obedient to authorities, to be busy with work and respect the traditionally established order. All problems are solved with the help of force, through the "winner-loser" strategy. Parents in such families guide and control the child in everything.

Their children grow up with the knowledge that communication and problem solving is a painful process, and that all issues are the responsibility of the parents, and their voice is not taken into account. In such conditions, children often rebel, take revenge on their parents, burst into anger, or, on the contrary, become isolated and withdraw into themselves.

Parents who choose a democratic way of education are guided by the idea that children are able to solve their own problems, they only need to be motivated to cooperate with an adult. Such parents tend to leave room for their children to choose and let them learn from their mistakes. They are focused on cooperation with children, the implementation of the "winner-winner" strategy, their relationship is filled with mutual respect, children take an active part in solving problems. In such conditions, children learn well responsibility, cooperation, the ability to choose and draw conclusions from their actions.

The presence of such boundaries helps to introduce clear principles of behavior and reveal to the child his expectations in relation to him. They also determine the balance of power in the family and establish a hierarchy of family relationships. Numerous studies confirm that children whose families have such boundaries grow up with self-esteem and self-confidence.

The same studies indicate that in families where parents treat children with tenderness and warmth, control them within reasonable limits, while placing high demands on them, children grow up more adapted to an independent successful life.

Therefore, the third of the proposed models can be called the “golden mean” model and proposed as the most environmentally friendly and successful parenting strategy. published

Alexander Dobroer

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consumption, we are changing the world together! © econet

Many parents are very often concerned about the question of how to develop confidence in a child, how to help him not be afraid to have his own opinion and be able to express it, how to teach a child to adequately defend himself, be able to overcome obstacles and not hide behind his parents when a problem can be solved. himself.

The most important thing I would like to start with is to convince the parents that it all depends on them, on the approach to the child, on the style of upbringing in the family and on the personality of the parent himself. There is another important condition - to be the most self-confident person, because children most often focus on their beloved parent, copy his behavior, the style of communication with other people, because the parent for the child is authority, which means everything he does is right .

If you have any unresolved personality issues of your own, especially if they are related to your confidence, you need to work on this, most likely with the help of a psychologist.

There are also rules for dealing with own child, performing and observing which, the child has a chance to become a person and have self-esteem.

Rule one. The child must be sure of your unconditional love. It should not be suffocating love, love-a favor, or the kind of love for which the child will have to pay with good studies, help around the house. Love the child for who he is, for what he is. He must know that he was born not to fulfill your expectations from him over time, but to become a person with self-esteem.

Rule two. The child must be sure that he is under protection, but not under a cap. He needs to know that you are there, and not be one with him. Be always open and available to the child. He must know that he will always be able to turn to you for help, that you will not refuse him, will not turn away and will not force him to solve difficult tasks for him.

Rule three. The child should have the right to make a mistake, and the opportunity to correct it without receiving insults, undeserved punishment for it. Help him recognize the mistake and correct it. Let the child not be afraid to make mistakes, because this is a process of learning, and a mistake can be corrected and prevented.

Rule four. You need to develop in communication with the child a position of communication on an equal footing, and not from the height of your age, and without fawning, elevating your child and making him an idol of the family.

Rule five. Let the child solve his problems on his own, do not rush to get into children's showdowns because of toys, do not rush to transfer him to another school if relations with peers or teachers do not add up. Otherwise, the child will not only not learn to see the situation and look for ways out, but will not achieve success, and then the main motive will be the motive of avoiding failures, avoiding problems, and not solving them.

Rule six. Never compare your child with other children, try to focus on the child's personal qualities, teach the child to evaluate himself and his actions, let him look at himself from the outside more often, learn to see and feel the emotions of other people and adequately assess situations. Because if a child constantly compares himself with someone, he will become dependent on the assessment of others, and she, as a rule, is very subjective.

Rule seven. When the child is small, avoid the word "bad" in your assessment of the child. He's not bad, he just stumbled and did wrong. Try to explain that there are wrong actions that cause pain or trouble from which he can suffer.

Rule eight. Teach your child to finish what he started, but if the child does not like some activity, do not put pressure on him that all this must be completed and go along this path. This is especially important in adolescence when there is a formation of interests and a choice of a profession, therefore, the more the child tries himself in different types activity, the greater the chance that in the future he will make the right choice.

Rule nine. Help the child to adapt in a group of children. After all, the whole life of a child from the moment he goes to kindergarten will be somehow connected with communication and work in a group. This is a school, and studios, sports schools, a university, a camp. There is always competition in groups of children. Especially among children preschool age. Older children consider themselves adults, they have more experience in communication and they can easily “plug the belt” of those who are younger. And for those who are younger, there is nothing left but to obey and “gain experience”. If your child has no communication problems with younger children and with his peers, he will eventually find a common language with older children.

Support him, give him confidence, in kindergarten ask the teacher to help pick up games for rallying children in a group. Usually these are games where even the smallest and most timid can be, for example, the leader in the game. As a result, the child increases self-esteem, self-confidence, he can show and show himself.

Another way to increase popularity in a group is to come up with new game(parents can help), bring a toy to the garden and invite older children to their game. Joint games unite children, they have more topics for contacts.

Rule ten. Respect your child and what he does, what he dreams of, what he aspires to. Don't laugh or ask him to change his mind. If you really don't like the child's choice, find words that will prove to your child that this is not quite right or not quite right. Not only do you teach the child, but let him teach you something (some game, a sports technique, it is unusual to throw a ball or weave a bauble).

Rule eleven. Focus on what the child is doing well, praise him. Evaluation should be adequate, praise on time and to the point.

Raising confidence in a child is not easy, and all these rules are not only rules for developing self-esteem. They affect all spheres of communication and interaction with the child, and first of all with you, the parents. The confidence that you are loved, understood and accepted as you are is the key to confidence in yourself and in your future life.

“I’m afraid that I won’t pass the exam”, “I think that they won’t take me to the school team”, “I’m not sure that I can play the guitar as well as my dad.” Have you ever heard something similar from your child? If your answer is yes, then your child lacks self-confidence.

What you do and don't do, the words you say and don't say to your child, the feelings you express or don't express, all affect his self-confidence. To develop confidence in a child, you must handle him properly.

Let's take a look at what you can do to help.

1. Love and acceptance

Of course, you love your child no matter what. But does the child know about it? Does he know that you love him, accept and respect his choice?

Show your child love, even if you can't do it all the time. The child must know that he is loved and accepted, regardless of his advantages and disadvantages. Unconditional love is the basis for a child to grow up to be a confident person.

Most importantly, respect your child as an individual.

2. Focus on strengths, correct weaknesses

Nobody is perfect, and kids are no exception. But in order to raise a confident child, you must not dwell on the shortcomings.

The upbringing of children should be aimed at developing the strengths of their character. At the same time, the child should feel able to develop and perform various tasks. Otherwise (for example, the child does poorly in school, fails in sports, etc.) help him see his strengths. Tell him what he's good at.

This does not mean that you should not pay attention to all errors. Teach your child to learn from his mistakes, but pay special attention to his achievements. This will remind the child that he can succeed if he wants to.

3. Do not rush to help the child at the first difficulty

Parents tend to protect their children and do everything possible so that they do not feel the bitterness of defeat, disappointment or pain. But rushing to the aid of a child every time he encounters the slightest problem is a bad idea. You can help him in any way, but the child must solve his problems on his own.

4. Let your child make decisions

Decision making is an important life skill that a child must master in order to gain self-confidence. Decision-making inspires the child because he sees different possibilities and can choose what suits him best. But until maturity is reached, the child may not know how to make decisions.

To help your child learn to make decisions, first give him two options to choose from. For example, you can offer a six-year-old daughter to choose what to wear to school (of course, within reason). But explain to her that she can't choose whether to go to school or not.

By allowing your child to make healthy choices (such as what to wear, what movie to watch, etc.), you are also teaching him to take responsibility for his decisions.

5. Encourage and develop your child's talents

Many children have special interests. Some love music or dancing, others are naturally good at drawing. Determine what your child is talented at and develop his abilities. If your child loves to draw, enroll him in an art school. If he likes any kind of sport, give him to the sports section.

Developing a child's inclinations and talents is a great way to build his self-confidence.

6. Give your child responsibility

One of the most effective ways to strengthen the child's self-confidence - give him small tasks that he can definitely complete. The realization that a child can accomplish something on his own can excite him. When you can easily complete a task without experiencing difficulties, your brain is "charged" and ready to perform new tasks. Therefore, it is best to entrust the child simple things at home. Do not forget to praise him when he does the assigned work well.

For example, an eight-year-old child can be assigned to feed a dog every morning. When he does this without prompting, praise him for it.

7. Praise your child when they deserve it.

When a child does something wrong, parents often reprimand him. But it is equally important to praise him when he does everything right. However, parents often forget about it. Of course, you should not praise the child for every little thing, but if he made an effort and coped with the task or does something right for a long time, praise him.

For example, if a child feeds a dog for several weeks without prompting, evaluate his efforts on merit. Even a simple "well done" will strengthen his self-confidence.

8. Teach your child positive self-suggestion

Self-hypnosis is an internal dialogue with oneself. What we tell ourselves every minute greatly affects our self-esteem and self-confidence. Our thoughts influence our emotions and our potential success. Therefore, if a child believes that he can cope with any business, his chances of success increase significantly.

By suggesting positive thoughts to themselves, young children learn to control themselves and achieve success in life.

9. Set realistic goals for your child.

Most the right way make the child doubt his own abilities - give him tasks that he cannot complete. But if you want your child to succeed in life and grow up healthy and confident, set realistic goals appropriate for their age.

For example, if you want your child to learn how to play the piano, that's a very realistic goal. But it is unrealistic to expect him to learn how to play in a month. In this case, it is better to set short-term goals for the child: learn notes, learn how to play simple melodies, etc. But, if you want the child to win after a month of classes musical competition, you set him up for failure and disappointment rather than self-confidence.

10. Let your child accept his own defeats.

No matter how hard you try, you will not be able to protect the child from failures and defeats. Like all people, your child will experience failure, pain, and disappointment from time to time. And that's okay. In such cases, it is not enough just to tell the child: "Do not hang your nose" or "Do not take it to heart."

Teach your child to be emotionally flexible and calmly accept victory and defeat. Tell him that it's okay to fail sometimes and that he can win next time if he tries hard.

The child is able to learn from his mistakes and correct them next time. The bottom line is to explain to the child that failure is natural, and after them there is always a way to achieve success.

11. Be a good role model

Are you unsure of yourself? Doubt your abilities? If so, how can you expect your child to grow up to be self-confident?

Children do as you do, not as you say. Deal with your self-esteem and self-confidence issues and be a good role model for your child.

12. Encourage your child to express their feelings.

A confident child can express their feelings without feeling uncomfortable or overly emotional or aggressive. Self-confidence comes from expressing feelings in a healthy way and know when to be calm.

Encourage your child to express feelings orally or in writing. Teach him to keep calm difficult situations. Explain to your child that you should not suppress your feelings, because they may come out when he is in trouble.

Rate the post