Just as a tree develops in a vast field or in a protected valley differently than in an overgrown forest, so the eldest and youngest of the children each find themselves in their own special life situation, characterized by a combination of social, psychological, biological and other factors of development. Therefore, the position of the eldest and youngest child in a two-child family team is two different life scenarios, each of which has its own "pluses" and "pain points". According to experts, if there is a “chill through” between adult sisters and brothers, this, as a rule, in eight out of ten cases, is the echo of childhood battles and mistakes. parental relationship to children.

"A place in the sun" by an older child

Senior child enjoying being alone since birth parental love, attention and care, with the advent of a sister or brother, is faced with a traumatic experience of "overthrow from the throne", loses all the advantages of being the only one. According to an extensive statistical study of the life paths of older and younger children conducted abroad, most of the celebrities were among the first-born - 64% versus 46%. The reasons are explained by psychological factors: the elder, defending his “place under the sun”, in connection with the appearance of a “competitor”, is forced to take on socially significant life goals.

The objective need of older children to communicate with the younger ones, to feel responsible for them, allows older children to actively acquire new life skills, thanks to which they become more socially active and successful. The first-born is far from immediately and not always easily adapting to the changed situation in the family with the birth of a second child, often this is a serious stressful situation. Therefore, those parents who purposefully prepare the first-born for the appearance in the family act reasonably: they tell and even play possible changes in the family with the child in an accessible way, and at the first time of caring for the baby faithfully preserve the rituals of parental attention familiar to the first-born so that he does not doubt his former value and importance for parents.

Difficulties in the life of a young child

The second child is more confident in the constancy of the parents' emotional attitude towards themselves and grows up, as a rule, more optimistic and less anxious. In addition, the youngest appears in the family in a more relaxed atmosphere, the parents are already more confident, consistent and experienced in raising their second child. True, today experts note that there are already much fewer "favorites" among the younger ones, and parents pay less attention to the second. And yet, the younger child experiences the condescending attitude of adults for a longer time than the older one, and remains in the role of a baby for a long time. Indulgence leads to the fact that he is little included in the usual everyday life family: "You're still small. You can't do it, you still have time." The eldest child for the youngest is the leader and leader, the youngest voluntarily and involuntarily equals him.

Certain difficulties in the life of the second child and, as a result, a number of psychological problems in his development may be related to the objective fact that it is difficult to “catch up” with the first-born in skills and outshine. Sometimes parents consciously and unintentionally “heat up” the competition between their children with seemingly harmless phrases: “I know that you can do it as well as your brother (sister).” In fact, such parental statements do not so much carry support and encouragement for the child as a hidden "invitation" to competition. Is it any wonder that the second children begin to experience defeat painfully, which is reflected in their personal characteristics. When the younger one cannot win, the child may even lose motivation to display such qualities as courage, perseverance, determination, energy, initiative, etc. It is no coincidence that, statistically, younger children are more likely to have a dependent position, an irresponsible attitude to their duties, selfishness of character, and a more pronounced desire to compete.

In general, experts believe that the birth of a second child in a family is a factor in improving the family situation and reducing marital disagreements. However, with the advent of a second child, rivalry between children becomes a source of stress for parents.

The well-known author of the popular book "Family Through the Eyes of a Child" G.T. Homentauskas describes three strategies for the behavior of the youngest child in a two-child family in cases where parents, for various reasons, fail to develop adequate requirements for each, without a clear preference for any of them. The first strategy of behavior - "I will be valuable and loved if I surpass the elder and all means are good to achieve this goal" - is aimed at competing with a brother (sister). The second strategy is directed against parental restrictions - "I will force you to reckon with me as I am." The author considers the third strategy the most emotionally traumatic - "Don't you see how worthless I am, so leave me alone" - the second child follows the strategy of staying in the "shadow" of the older one.

Wise rules of family order

It is unlikely that there are universal recipes for upbringing so that the youngest is not attacked by the elder, and the first-born is not manipulated by the younger (sneaking or boasting, for example). We dare to highlight a few time-tested wise rules of family order when there are two children:

• the first child has priority over the second;
• each child knows what his individuality is and feels his value and uniqueness for both parents;
• love for one child should not lessen love for another;
• involving children in cooperation with each other is many times more important than encouraging rivalry and competition between the elder and the younger.

We suggest reflecting on the success of parenting steps on the example of the following mini-stories from the practice of family education of two children. Do you approve of the actions of parents? What advice would you give to parents when there are two children in the family?

Situation 1. The younger once again quarreled with the older.

You're not playing fair,” Nikita yells at his older brother.

And you are a mother's boy. I'm older than you, don't argue with me! the elder retorted. The children started blaming each other. The mother did not wait until the children "reached the point", went into the room and, without saying a word, hugged her youngest son by the shoulders. The son, feeling the support of his mother, said to his brother: "I'd rather play with myself." And he went to another room. Very soon the passions subsided, and Nikita again played with his older brother, as if nothing had happened.

Situation 2. When a brother appeared in the family, Lena (3 years old) greeted him friendly. Despite her small age, she already spoke well, was cheerful and agile; loved it when her parents got involved in her games. Lena liked to attract the attention of her mother and father, she tried to always be in sight. With the advent of a brother in the family, the father often boasted to his friends in the presence of the girl that, finally, a son was born to them; mother was constantly busy with the newborn. Gradually, aggressive attacks against the baby began to appear in the girl's behavior. One day, her mother watched as Lena took the nipple from her brother and threw it on the floor. For this, her mother punished her. The girl became more and more whiny and irritable.

Situation 3. The mother asked her eldest daughter, 7.5 years old, to look after her younger brother in the room while she was busy in the kitchen. After a while, a piercing cry of a baby was heard. The alarmed mother flew into the room.

Daughter: "He himself ... Stepped on the cube and fell. It's not my fault!"

Mother: "Even in such trifles, you cannot be relied upon!"

Situation 4. The mother is horrified at the sight of her son who beats his younger brother.

Stop now... If you don't stop, I'll punish you. The son does not seem to hear. To stop the fight between the children, the mother pulls the elder away from the younger. The older boy whines.

The mother says to the elder: "I didn't do anything to you! Stop crying immediately! Don't cry, I said!"

Summary. A common mistake in raising the eldest and the youngest in the family is an attempt to resolve all disputes and disagreements that arise between children for themselves and think that all difficulties will disappear with age. It is important for children to see that parents are confident in their ability to find a peaceful solution to emerging disagreements. In this case, children are more likely to take responsibility for regulating their relationships with each other. Often, children attract the attention of adults with a quarrel in order to once again be convinced of their own value for parents when they take sides. Therefore, non-intervention is a suitable technique in situations of children's quarrels, unless, of course, nothing threatens the life and health of children. Often, children, having splashed out their emotions, continue to play calmly. The constant appeal to seniority (“you are older, give in”) only reinforces unhealthy relationships between children instead of learning the rule “we are both responsible for what happened.”

It is unreasonable to blame the older child for the troubles of the younger, this does not add sympathy to the younger and discourages the older to mess with him. You should not humiliate the older child in the eyes of the younger. In response, the elder, according to the law of the boomerang, can begin to directly or indirectly humiliate the younger. Who has not had to catch the zealous distrustful look of his first-born at the moment of affectionate fun with the baby? However, for the elder to hear in such a situation gentle sweet words even more important than for the baby. For example: "Thank you for helping your brother tie an apron, what would I do without you, you are my faithful assistant!" Parental tenderness and gratitude to the firstborn are able to defeat the zealous feelings of the older child, then anxiety and distrust get a way out. It is no coincidence that there is evidence that older children, more than the second, are characterized by anxiety, which does not leave them in adulthood.

You should not rush to analyze the conflict between the elder and the younger, when they are both upset, when one of them failed, offended by the other. Show that you hear the child and know what he feels and wants.

The brotherhood of children is an expression of unity, one of the types of indissoluble human bonds. In childhood, a child can receive this valuable acquisition only from the hands of wise parents.

Elena Pavlovna Arnautova,
cand. ped. Sci., social pedagogue, deputy director
Center "Preschool childhood" them. A.V. Zaporozhets, Moscow
Article provided by the journal

We often hear stories about how older children react negatively to the appearance of a younger brother or sister in the family. Elders may stop talking to their parents, accusing them of betrayal. They can become aggressive and hostile towards the youngest. It happens that the first-born, perhaps unknowingly, harm their brothers and sisters - they beat them, tease them, put them in danger and often “throw them into the embrasure” (especially in situations where parents are looking for the culprit or instigator of pranks).

Why is this happening? It seems that the older children want to literally outlive the younger relatives. Yes, according to the laws of nature, it is so. This is a fight for survival. Love for parents dictates to the elders to protect their heated place. It is difficult for elders to understand that they should share the affection of their parents with another living being. And the more difficult it is to start sharing. A natural question arises in children: why? Mother's arguments that "he is your brother" are not convincing for the child. What to do?

Who is more difficult: older or younger? Psychologists say that ... average!

Preparing the senior in advance

Start preparing your eldest for the news of the addition to the family long before the birth, as soon as you find out about the pregnancy. Tell him how you were waiting for his appearance, how you wanted to get to know him as soon as possible with your dad. If time permits, make a map of his life on a large piece of paper. From it, the elder will see how he grows and changes. After some time, make the same card for the younger child. And let the first photo there be an ultrasound image of the fetus. Tell your firstborn that now (how cool!!!) you can watch the emergence and growth of a new baby together. This will surely give the firstborn a sense of self-worth and maybe even pride.

Watch films with the whole family that show your situation: the family is replenished, everyone is happy, the older children are happy and live in peace and love with the younger ones.

Make a list of great things to do with your little brother or sister. Hang it in a conspicuous place, let the first-born subconscious level positive information related to the birth of a new dear little man is postponed.

Torments and joys of the younger

Younger children also have a hard time. Being born into the world, they also strive to receive their portion of love and attention from their parents. And, of course, they have no idea that their appearance interferes with someone, something is taken away from someone. They do not know why their sincere unconditional love for a brother or sister is not reciprocated. But younger children love in a special way! It is they who are often proud of their elders, run to them for advice, try to imitate them, win their love and attention! And they experience real torment, bumping into rejection, indifference or ridicule.

It will be difficult for you to explain to your child why he is always bullied by his older brother or elder sister. So try not to let that happen at all. And raise the youngest independent. Despite the fact that according to the hierarchy he is at the end of the family chain, tell him that he has the same rights and obligations as an older brother. And they expect the same responsibility and independence from him - no concessions!

There are a few more universal tips that are sure to strengthen brother-sister relationships.

Parents with many children should watch the film "Little Nicolas". He wonderfully conveys the fears of the child before the appearance of a younger brother. Understanding how your firstborn is feeling will make it easier for you to approach him.

• Do not impose the role of a hero on the older child: “You must be an example” ... And, in general, do not set children as an example to each other.
• Do not force to babysit the baby, sit with him, play. This can cause the strongest rejection of the younger relative for life.
• Do not buy things for children, gifts of the same quantity, color, content, to equalize them and show that your love for them is the same. Children are different, they want to be different, they like to stand out!
• Have an important family ritual. It can be active or board games followed by tea drinking on weekends, reading books aloud in a circle in the evenings ... The main thing is that everyone is accepted, busy and passionate.
• Highlight the uniqueness and characteristics of each child. Over time, you will notice for yourself that the older ones tend to lead, and the younger ones to create something new. Support them in these directions.
• Do not indulge the younger ones in their whims and insolvency. In no case do not pursue a policy in the family "he is the youngest, help him, he still does not know how." Such a position is dangerous for the development of the youngest child as an independent person, who sooner or later will have to fly out of the nest and provide for himself on his own.
• Teach children what kinder friend they don't have a friend. And throughout their lives they will help each other. Brothers and sisters with the right upbringing become the closest people!

Why are they so different? How to understand and form the character of your child Korneeva Elena Nikolaevna

older brother, older sister

older brother, older sister

If the opinions of the parents differ regarding the first-born: some want a son, others yearn to have a girl, then the issue is resolved quite unequivocally regarding the gender of the remaining offspring. The vast majority of parents dream of having both sons and daughters.

However, for the development of younger children, it is far from indifferent who to have as the eldest member of the family - a brother or sister. Let's dwell on this issue in more detail.

Typical situations

My men completely tortured me. Whether business at the girlfriend. My daughter is eight years old, and she helps around the house, and studies for one five, and looks after her younger brother. When there is such a Marina, no nanny is needed. Here you can not only give birth to a third, but also a fourth.

We have two older sons. My husband and I really wanted a daughter. Now Dasha is in her fourth year. The robber is growing. He takes everything from the boys. She doesn't play with dolls at all. She would have to break something, climb somewhere or sit on Boris and beat him.

Children imitate their parents, but the gap between them is too great. The intellectual, physical and social levels of adults are unattainable for children in their first years of life. It is much easier for them to reach for older children. It is no coincidence that in families where there are two, three or more children, natural groupings arise - adults and children.

If the baby can look up to his older brothers and sisters, then his development proceeds more smoothly, he has fewer problems in communicating with peers. The pace of social development of such a child is accelerating, and the behavior shows features of compliance, accommodating, benevolence, willingness to share with others.

Even if the age difference is small, the older sister is perceived youngest child as a kind of understudy mother or nanny. Older sisters play with the kids with pleasure, participate in the process of caring for them, readily take the younger ones with them, and later introduce them to training sessions. In general, this is very good. Mothers appreciate this kind of help. They have more free time for themselves and household chores. But girls often show excessive authoritarianism and, not having the tolerance that is characteristic of adults, are often prone to boredom, quarrelsomeness, increased demands and even cruelty. This is, so to speak, one side of the coin.

If the girl remains in the care younger brother ishka, then her desire to prove to her parents her ability to cope with him can lead to rash and inappropriate restrictions on his activity, including physical and research. Being under the pressure of the authority of the older sister, the boys of the early and preschool age they prefer quieter activities to outdoor games - board games, construction, paper dolls, and in communication with the guys - the company of girls, friends of their older sister. In such a company, the baby is completely deprived of initiative, endlessly picked up, squeezed, lisped, they even do for him what he can do himself. As they grow up, boys shed this girlish yoke. At the time of apprenticeship, they already consider older sisters to be boring and scammers. Relations between them are rarely warm and trusting. There is a psychological delimitation of children by gender.

In boys, the desire to take care of younger brothers and sisters is less pronounced than in girls. This causes dissatisfaction on the part of parents, expressed in complaints and reproaches addressed to them. Therefore, older boys experience, along with jealousy for the younger ones, a strong sense of resentment. But kids see protectors in their older brothers, they resort to them for advice and help in business.

Girls easily adopt a masculine style of behavior from older brothers, which is characterized by greater independence, initiative, ingenuity, self-will, and actions from a position of strength. This allows them to easily take a leadership position in a peer group. Taking advantage of their impunity in the family, younger girls often literally terrorize their older brothers, build various tricks on them, and just about anything, they run to complain and taunt. Brothers do not seek to involve younger sisters in their companies and to attach them to their interests. But due to the imitative nature of the child's psyche, girls themselves acquire hobbies inherent in boys. They enjoy playing war, love to wrestle, are interested in sports.

Growing up, girls with older brothers acquire a high need for achievement, strive to prove to others their independence and viability in everything. On the other hand, the features of heightened femininity are visible in them, since they early begin to perceive the guys from their brother's entourage as voluntary recruits, potential admirers and gentlemen.

Raising children of different sexes is always a double responsibility for family members. Parents should take into account the possibility of psychological problems arising from the non-programmed influence of older children on younger children of the opposite sex, associated with a mismatch between the innate attitudes of their sons and daughters.

It is not enough to buy them different things, to make different demands on children, it is not enough to take advantage of the parents' experience of communicating with firstborns - parents must learn to bypass the pitfalls associated with the influence of children of different sexes on each other.

This text is an introductory piece. From the book The Seven Deadly Sins, or The Psychology of Vice [for believers and non-believers] author Shcherbatykh Yury Viktorovich

Depression - the elder sister of despondency Melancholic looks at a beautiful face, but sees only a grinning skull. Christian Bowie The Orthodox interpretation of despondency and its symptoms is largely consistent with the medical term "depression" - a depressed state, accompanied by

From the book Wisdom of the Psyche [Depth Psychology in the Age of Neuroscience] by Paris Ginette

Chapter 8 Philosophy is a brother, psychology is a sister

From the book Gods in every man [Archetypes that control the lives of men] author Bolen Jin Shinoda

Brother In the family, the role of Apollo as a brother is of particular importance - his tendency to both brotherly rivalry and brotherly friendship is manifested in the relationship of Apollo with his younger brother, the messenger of the gods Hermes, and with his sister Artemis, the goddess of hunting and the moon. With Artemis

From the book Speech and Thinking of a Child the author Piaget Jean

§ 3. Definition of the word "brother" (or "sister") It remains for us to do the last verification test. If the difficulties indicated above depended on the inability to operate with the logic of relations, then in the very definition of the word "brother" such an absence must again occur.

From book Child's world[Advice from a psychologist to parents] author Stepanov Sergey Sergeevich

Senior, junior, unique In England they say: "The whole history of this country is written by the younger sons." At the same time, they mean the old law (which, by the way, also existed in many other countries), according to which property, capital and privileges were undivided

From the book of the Goddess in every woman [New psychology of woman. Goddess archetypes] author Bolen Jin Shinoda

Sister Goddess Artemis was accompanied by nymphs, minor deities associated with forests, mountains, rivers, lakes, seas and springs. They traveled with her, hunting and exploring the wilderness. The nymphs were not bound by household chores, they were not interested in what "should"

From the book Laws of Success author Kondrashov Anatoly Pavlovich

author Bogachev Philip Olegovich

From the book Success or Positive Thinking author Bogachev Philip Olegovich

by Antje Edwiga

Younger brother, younger sister “A child is also a person? Only not for our elder!” Few parents are content with one child, so a year and a half or two after the birth of their first child, they begin to think about the second. But they are always very afraid that the elder

From the book French children always say "Thank you!" by Antje Edwiga

Half-sister, half-brother "So, this is my brother ... step-brother ... or rather, the son of my father's wife, whom she gave birth to before meeting him ... okay, just Julien" living under one

I'm older now More recently, your life was serene and beautiful - you were the most beloved daughter, and nothing bothered you. But then one fine morning, your mother told you that she would have to leave for a while on business. She reassured you by saying that she would return

From the book My child is an introvert [How to reveal hidden talents and prepare for life in society] by Laney Marty

Natasha met her future husband during an anniversary meeting with classmates. It was 10 years since they graduated from school, so they decided to celebrate it at the dacha of Boris, a guy from their class. There Natalya saw Vlad, his younger brother. She saw and was surprised: where were her eyes before, why did she not notice such a handsome guy at school? ..

After the party, they began to call each other, to meet. And six months later, Vlad made her an official marriage proposal. Natalya agreed immediately: firstly, she liked the guy, and secondly, she knew his older brother well. Boris has always been very serious, independent, responsible and hardworking. The only one of those who, even in the last grade, did all his homework and from whom it was possible to copy off in class, a reliable comrade in all matters ...

Imagine the surprise when, after just a few months, she realized: Vlad is the complete opposite of her older brother. Frivolous, careless, lazy, incapable of anything either at home or, moreover, in serious life affairs.

Love has been replaced by disappointment. All Natalya began to think about the fact that she was mistaken in preferring Vlad ...

And now let's remember the tale about how one father had three sons: the eldest is smart, the second is neither this nor that, and the third, the youngest, is a fool a fool ... In this tale, three types of men are very accurately and vividly characterized .

Older brother- and indeed often the smartest. And not only among his brothers and sisters, but also among colleagues. From childhood, he was an authority for the younger ones, he was used to patronizing, protecting them, answering for them to their parents. Therefore, he knows how to make a fire and cook soup ... He usually transfers his responsibility and care to friends, classmates, colleagues, and over time - to his parents, especially the elderly. The older brother is accustomed to work from an early age, he diligently studies at school, and then works conscientiously and purposefully. The eldest more often than other brothers makes progress in his career. At home, he is an economic and caring husband, father and son, who understands his mission well - to provide and protect. This is exactly the man about whom they say: "For a husband - like behind a stone wall."

Middle-brother- so-so ... But only at a glance. From the "average" are quite talented and successful people, after all, the middle one has been competing with the elder for the championship all his childhood. In addition, the character of the middle brother is usually more malleable: he is not used to commanding and reading morals, like an older brother, he knows how to negotiate. He constantly strives for leadership and does not like to obey, so in adulthood he tries to choose a job where he will be his own boss. It is from this cohort that many business people... By the way, for family life such men are just a godsend. They do not have extremes in character. It is easy to get along with them.

Jr- usually everyone's favorite, often - squishy. He gets used to this role and tries to be in it all his life. Since childhood, he has been embraced with love and care not only by his parents, but also by his older brothers and sisters. They forgive him what they do not forgive others. So the younger gets used to difficult situations hide behind the backs of the elders and not answer for anything. The habit turns into a character trait, and in the end a person grows up who takes care of problems in the family, at work, and in life in general. The youngest are not used to straining, taking responsibility, overcoming difficulties, and therefore it is difficult for them to make a career. But they are often the soul of the team. Younger brothers are usually very sociable. From childhood, they are accustomed to avoid conflicts with older, stronger physically, have learned to extinguish disputes with cute smiles, excuses and excuses ... Living with such a man is hard. You will have to take on the role of "mommy" - make all the important decisions yourself: make repairs, raise children, and at the same time - your husband. And still have to endure it funny companies friends, and possibly girlfriends...

Of course loving dad and mothers understand that in each of their children you need to see, first of all, a unique personality, find the strength to develop precisely his individual abilities, regardless of what other children are doing. And most importantly, find time to communicate with each child separately from the others, in order to establish contact and close relationships. But still, it is interesting for any parent to learn about the most vulnerable sides of the family hierarchy in order to pay more attention to some children and support others.

The first pancake is lumpy

If you choose between the position of the eldest and the youngest in the family, it seems to me that the latter is much easier. Because if a brother-sister is born after the elder, there is not enough time and energy for the first-born, and if, on the contrary, he remains alone for several years, then he is given too much attention. Dad and mom, grandparents - everyone rushes to EDUCATE the only, eldest. But on the other hand, it is he who is loved “one on one”. He does not share his parents with anyone, or even all his relatives. They feel some special feeling for him - when the first-born is born, all other things in comparison with his appearance become small and third-rate.

They say that "the first child is the last doll." But more often another saying comes to mind - about the “first pancake lumpy”: they don’t dress and swaddle like that, they don’t feed and drink like that, they don’t put them to bed like that. On the other hand, it is with the first child that mothers and even fathers carefully read smart books, ask advice from more experienced parents, it is the first child that is taken to the doctors, massaged and shown to specialists. With him every day they walk in the park and go to groups early development. Sometimes, however, to such an extent that when it comes time to enroll in school, he reports that he is already tired of studying.

They say that the childhood of the first ends when the next is born. Mom gave birth to a brother and now she thinks that the older one should help her - “bring a diaper, give a pacifier, throw it away, go out, play, walk, buy ...” Further more. My mother was lying in the ward with me, who asked her eldest twenty-year-old son to pick her up from the hospital - they say, dad is busy at work, and you stop by, pick her up. All parents expect help and support from their older child. And there is nothing wrong with that. The child grows up responsible, he helps his parents. Not without reason, according to statistics, most often older girls from large families become teachers or doctors. Organization, the ability to establish contact, creativity - this is what the position of the elder teaches.

Children often rejoice at the opportunity to participate in "adulthood". At a certain age, “helping parents” is perceived with great pleasure, but all parents should remember that you can take dirty diapers with a sharp sense of novelty to the trash once or twice, such help becomes boring pretty quickly, and the feeling that mom is no longer “his” , is growing every day. With the advent of a small “competitor”, the elder begins to literally “strangle” with questions: do you love me, and who more, why did you kiss him three times, and me? The passion for the nipple and the bottle flares up again. The feeling of jealousy in adulthood, especially if the number of children in the family does not exceed two, can be difficult to suppress. Even if the difference between the children is decent, then the parents are still forced to answer the questions of the grown-up elders: “why do you go to his Christmas tree, but didn’t go to me”, “and why birthdays are arranged for him, but I don’t”. A familiar 14-year-old boy is always offended if they don’t buy him a lollipop, like his three-year-old brother.

Scientists-revolutionaries-crusaders

Boys are generally unlucky. They are immediately rushed to present to everyone around them as "heirs", there is only one question: what? In good old England there was a good saying: “The history of this country is written by the younger sons”, because it was the older ones who got the title, money, power, and the younger ones had to spin around and settle in life themselves. It was they who went on crusades, explored new lands and conquered foreign countries.

In the center of Riga, there is still the House of the Blackheads, decorated with a relief of the Catholic saint Mauritius, who was a black Moor, the youngest son in his family. This saint was chosen as their patron by the Brotherhood of the Blackheads - the younger sons of noble families, who during the time of the majorate, with their business undertakings, ensured the prosperity of the Hansa - the union of the Baltic trading cities. But the primacy is long in the past - the indivisibility of the inheritance remained in the Middle Ages. Now, speaking of the heir, people mean something else. Let's say the first child enters school, and they look at him as a representative of the family - how he will behave, study, and, accordingly, what to expect from his younger brothers and sisters. The eldest judges the rest of the children and the family as a whole.

There is an interesting theory: older children, to whom their parents subconsciously delegate some of their powers (“Look after your brother”, “Come to your sister’s class, see if her textbook is there”, “Take it from school, feed lunch”, etc. ), become guardians of traditional parental values. The younger ones, on the contrary, are innovators and revolutionaries, they own discoveries in science and art - remember Johann Sebastian Bach and Dmitri Mendeleev. This theory would be beautiful and coherent if Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein were not the eldest sons in the families, and there are many such examples.

Younger children are often more infantile than older ones - they are no longer required to do so much, perhaps because their parents no longer have so much strength, the younger ones are more forgiven. Even in adulthood, they seem to be waiting for someone to solve their problems. Seniors often rely only on themselves and more objectively assess reality. On the other hand, younger children know from early childhood that an older brother or sister is physically stronger than them, so it’s easier for them to learn to negotiate than to achieve their own by force. Later, as adults, the "younger ones" often show good communication skills - the ability to negotiate, give in, and compromise.

However, not all disputes between older and younger - whether they are of the same sex or different - can be resolved with the help of words. Fights between siblings are common. Moreover, it is most often impossible to find out who is to blame for what happened: the younger one started, but the older one provoked him, and he did it because the younger one spoiled something or took it without asking, but in turn, he did this because ... An endless tangle that the parent unwinds until the next conflict between children occurs. And everything repeats again. It's easier to just separate the fighters into different rooms, without finding out which of them was the first in this particular quarrel. After sitting alone for five to ten minutes, kids usually find the right words to sort things out.

The most unfortunate

If you weigh on an imaginary scale, who is more lucky or unlucky - older or younger - I think the scales will stop exactly in the middle. Each situation has its own difficulties. But that is precisely why middle children often become the most vulnerable among brothers and sisters - they have the disadvantages of the position of older and younger, but at the same time they do not have their pluses. After all middle child he was never the only one with his parents, but at the same time, the bonuses of the younger also passed him by. Parents often rely on the education of their older children, on their successful socialization, the younger ones are often pampered and pitied by dad, mom, and grandparents. But the middle one remains somewhere on the sidelines.

Trying to try on the role of either the elder or the younger, he cannot fully realize himself in each of these roles. If he shows leadership skills, older ones subconsciously suppress them, if he wants to indulge like a younger one, parents say: “Well, why are you behaving like a little one, you are an older brother, you should set an example.” It is believed that he can grow up self-critical and anxious, since it is difficult for him to find his individual role in the family hierarchy, it seems to him that life is unfair, but he has to get used to it. Alfred Adler, author of the theory of inferiority complex, wrote that the middle child is under constant pressure from both sides - "struggling to get ahead of his older brother, and afraid that his younger brother will catch up with him." Psychologists believe that middle children often seek the attention of parents not very well. good behavior This is how they want to draw attention to themselves. Also, those who do not receive mother's care may get sick more often than their brothers and sisters. Subconsciously, they know that when they get sick, they will receive what they are deprived of in ordinary everyday life.

But still, in the position of the middle ones, too, there are pluses - the one who is constantly between the older and the younger, knows how to communicate with both of them. As a result, communication skills with people are the strength of the average child in the family.

Psychologists also pay attention not only to the serial number of the child in the family, but also to the ratio of the sexes among children - the younger brother of sisters, the older brother of brothers. There are a lot of such patterns of behavior, and the often described signs and qualities of certain family members correspond to what you really encounter in life. But still, a set of life circumstances (born second after an older brother and has three younger sisters) does not exhaust a person. I think it is interesting for any parent to learn about the most vulnerable sides of the family hierarchy in order to pay attention to some, support others, and so on. But, on the other hand, loving dad and mom understand that in each of their children you need to see, first of all, a unique personality, find the strength to develop precisely his individual abilities, regardless of what the eldest son or daughter is doing. And most importantly, find time to communicate with each child separately from others, in order to establish contact and close relationships that will help him in the future to overcome stereotypes and go beyond a certain social model.

Anastasia OTROSHCHENKO