Factors affecting the relationship between children and parents. Parental attitude towards the child and its features

Psychologists say that any relationship between people is an open or unspoken agreement: you are for me, I am for you. So, do children really have to "repay their debt" only if the parents were sufficiently responsible in the performance of their duties, and only then in old age everything will return to them. And if they were not distinguished by strong parental care, then children do not have to worry about them either. After all, there are so many abandoned old people in our country who pulled children to the last of their strength, denying themselves in many ways, but in the end turned out to be lonely and unnecessary to them.

According to psychologists, debt is a relative concept. We all owe something to someone only if there is a written or oral agreement about it. If it is not there, then there is no duty, which means that a person decides whether to do something for someone only of his own free will. But often a person’s behavior finds condemnation and criticism of others, and then conflicts and mutual insults arise.

In life, there are three types of relationships between adult children and parents. One elderly couple, no matter how much adult children help and try to pay attention to them, it is still not enough and I want even more. They constantly express grievances to children and express their dissatisfaction. For example, that they arrived today, and their parents were waiting for them yesterday. The children took them to the dacha, and they wanted to go to the sea. And there are more and more such claims and grievances every year. In this case, children begin to think that maybe nothing needs to be done at all so as not to once again cause dissatisfaction with their parents.

Some parents, on the contrary, do not need anything: neither the care of the children, nor the help of the housekeeper, they refuse everything and every time the children offer help, they bashfully hide their eyes. They cannot imagine their life without caring for children, and even from their tiny pension they try to continue helping their already quite independent children. Many children, receiving constant rejection from their parents and help from them, eventually stop thinking that they can be of some help to their parents.

The third kind of relationship is very sad. This is when adult children simply forget about their parents, considering them to be guilty of all their misfortunes and failures in life. And parents not always abandoned by their children treated their children badly, in many cases they helped them, denying themselves, but they made many mistakes in their upbringing. Parents should not consider their children property, and constantly tells them that they raised them, now they are indebted to them all their lives. Children don't really owe their parents anything because they didn't ask for them to be born. To help or not to parents, children must decide for themselves. You can not take the care of children about their parents as some kind of debt, children are not obliged to do something, because they must. Caring for parents is a matter of honor for every person, therefore, children should help only when they really want it.

Relationships between children and parents leave a deep imprint on a person's life. Many children, even after the death of their parents, feel guilty before them and suffer deeply from this. After all, parents are the first people with whom a person communicates and at the first stage of life they make up the whole world for him. Each person has their own further relations with the world unconsciously views through the prism of relationships with parents. He chooses a spouse based on the experience of his parents, and often builds his life, just like his parents. Therefore, it is very important, no matter what the parents are, to learn to forgive them for their imperfection and respect them. Even though they weren't very good parents, but they tried to become them. Learn to accept the situation as it is. If you cannot change your parents, then change your attitude towards them. And for that, be good kids. Learn to listen, hear and understand the advice of your parents, no matter how absurd they may seem to you. Take full responsibility and care for the family, refuse excessive parental care and help. Every adult must serve and provide for his family.

Parents should not control and educate their adult children. They must respect the choice of children. Freed from parental care, children should help their parents not feel alone. And for many parents, it is enough if the children are constantly interested in their affairs and desires, share their joys and sorrows with them. It is necessary to communicate with parents, to take care of them not because of gratitude for what they have done for us, but also because this contact cannot be interrupted. Only in this way can a person's life have meaning, and only by such an example can he teach his children the right attitude towards himself. Psychologists say that those people to whom parents were a burden and a burden, over the years, they themselves become a headache for their children. And those who treat their parents with respect and love have a completely different story. They live in old age full life surrounded by beloved children and grandchildren.

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Anyone who has grown up in a family can personal example to confirm that the relationship between parents and children is complex and contradictory. There is practically no peace in them. First, caring for the baby in the absence of parenting experience, then school problems, explosive adolescence, love and the search for a soul mate by a son or daughter, study and employment, separation from parents and the creation of their own family ...

All these factors often aggravate the relationship with the child and indicate the need for a flexible approach to communicating with him. Each previous milestone is superimposed on the next and determines the future success of interaction between generations. What should be the attitude towards children in order to achieve mutual trust, respect, support and care?

Relationships instead of upbringing

It so happened that at the word “parent”, many of us have a certain strict image and phrases in our minds: “You can’t”, “You must”, “Do this ...”, “You must”, “Don’t ...” (various prohibitions) and others. And we often invest this image in our relationship with the child, setting as the main goal how to educate him.

What mistakes do we make in the pursuit of restrictions and prohibitions?

1. Educate on the principle of "must". It is sad when the relationship between parents and children turns into a certain set of rules in which there is no place for feelings, desires and dreams.
2. Constantly say: “Listen”, “Understood me?” etc., and absolutely do not encourage your child to communicate, express themselves and take initiative (for example, with the phrases: “Tell me ...”, “Try”, “Do you want ...?”) There should be full interaction, and not a one-sided game.
3. To gain authority from the child, causing him fear. The commonplace statement: “Afraid means respect” does not work in family relations between children and parents. Indeed, such a phenomenon often occurs: in the presence of parents, the child fulfills all their instructions and instructions, and if they are not around, then he can behave in the opposite way.
4. Do not take into account the individual characteristics of children, rely solely on "authoritative" sources (opinions, other people's examples, books, articles).
5. Compare with other children. Never do this to a baby or an adult child. Instead of following the “ideal” that is set as an example, he may develop an inferiority complex. Often there is also resentment towards parents and a desire to do everything in defiance.
6. "Break" the child. Unfortunately, some parents try hard to eradicate undesirable character traits and habits, completely subordinate him to their will, force him to fulfill all his requirements without listening to any explanations. Yes, many children, under the influence of fear, will follow all instructions and obey unquestioningly. But it is difficult to talk about trust in parents on their part in this case. And quite often, as adults, they quickly try to create their own family in order to finally break out from under parental authority and the veil of misunderstanding.
7. Many do not consider it necessary (and worst of all, even harmful) to tell the child about their feelings. But it is precisely on feelings that the close bond between parents and children is based. Healthy attachment is formed in early childhood on the basis of love and care, which should be imbued in the parental relationship to the child. But even in adulthood, children are always pleased to hear that mom and dad love them, trust them and rejoice in their successes and achievements.

Of course, no one canceled the process of education, and there should always be certain prohibitions and restrictions. After all, the rules are still set by the parents. But it's important to remember the following:

• You should always explain why you (as a parent) feel this way and why you should do it this way. A simple command is not enough: “You must do this!” or “Because I said so!” Such phrases will only increase the resistance of children and the desire to defend themselves.
• The more restrictions for a child at an older age are created by parents, the weaker the bond between them and the less trusting relationship. The presence of prohibitions usually indicates a lack of close contact and understanding between generations.

How can you improve your relationship with your child?

• Be in love! Love has never hurt anyone. Connivance and indifference - yes, they have a detrimental effect. But true love is always beneficial and conducive to the development and maintenance of a warm relationship between parents and children.
• To be able to constructively resist the rudeness and aggression of the child, that is, not to immediately conflict in response (not to arrange a “wall to wall”), not to use physical punishment, but to be able to see the child’s serious feelings behind such attacks in time. If you can recognize them, then it will be much easier to understand your child and establish contact with him.
• Speak to your child phrases that reflect his abilities more often. “You can”, “You can do it”, “You can do it”. “I can” is the position of an adult who is aware of his strengths, abilities and capabilities. Using such phrases, you instill in your child independence and the ability to adequately evaluate himself, and also demonstrate your faith in his personality.
• Instead of direct instructions, it is better to use more friendly phrases. That is, to stand in a position of cooperation. For example: "Let's clean up things", "Try again."
• Develop the ability to listen in order to properly understand your children.
• At any age, it is important to see the personality in a child. You can't underestimate him. Children develop faster than us and master many more skills. This is already commendable!
• Remember yourself at the age at which your children are now. You will probably experience similar desires and feelings.
• Take a sincere interest in your child's life. Ask questions and be careful when you listen to him. It shouldn't feel like an interrogation or an occasional chat. This principle must be observed at all times. Formulate open questions, they stimulate communication. For example: "How was your day?" or “What are you planning to do this weekend?”
• Don't compare your child to other children. Only comparisons with the former self are useful. For example: “Remember yourself six months ago. After all, you couldn’t then ... but now you are doing it very well! ”
• Tell us about yourself, give examples from your personal life and your childhood, share your memories and emotions. This will help you build a more trusting relationship with your child.
• Make sure your family has traditions to follow. They should be directed to some joint business. For example, everyone should have dinner together. Or some holiday is always celebrated by the whole family at home. Or on some specific day of the year, you spend your leisure time together (attend an event or have a picnic in nature).

Create conditions for the child to trust you, love him and let him love you, and then he will strive to thank you and want to go where you direct him.

How to build relationships with older children?

• Most important rules- less criticism and more trust in the son or daughter. The more friendly relations between parents and adult children are preserved, the stronger the connection and the desire to meet more often, to visit each other.
• The same applies to the attitude towards the families of their children and their way of life. If you try to establish your own rules, they will obviously not take it with a bang, on the contrary, there will most likely be unnecessary dissatisfaction and irritation. You can only gently give recommendations or show how best to do it. But the choice will still remain with the children.
• Honestly admit to yourself whether you consider children to be property, whether you were able to let them go. It is important to track your position in time and, if possible, correct it. Sooner or later, the child will want to separate from you and start a family of his own. It is important to be able to give him enough freedom and let go in time.
• Let the children be who they are, accept them as they are, and let them know that. This is an important principle for maintaining a harmonious relationship between parents and their adult children.
• Feel free to turn to children for advice, especially in areas where they are clearly superior to you. For example, if you need to choose something from household or digital appliances, understand the functions mobile phone or install a new program on your computer. But sometimes children can become experts in areas that are completely unexpected, in your opinion. Even teenage children can often give the right advice, for example, on the question of what to get a friend for her birthday, or what job to choose.
• Realistically assess how much children need your help. In this matter, balance is important. They, of course, should feel your support, but at the same time remain independent and decisive in personal, family and household affairs.
• Do not say phrases like: “You did not live up to my expectations”, “You are not acting the way you were taught”, “You are doing it to spite me!” Instead, ask sincerely: “Are you happy?”, “Do you like what you do?”

Summarizing the above, there are several key points contributing to the establishment of harmonious and trusting relationships between children and parents:

• a flexible approach to education, taking into account the individual characteristics and abilities of the child, a combination of care, gentleness and severity depending on different situations;
• encouragement of the initiative and independence of the child;
• gaining authority not with the help of force and fear, but through the ability to interest, find an approach to the child, become his friend and mentor;
• sincerity, encouraging the expression of feelings;
• ability to listen and support in difficult situations.

Remember that we always grow and develop together with our children. It is only important to allow yourself to do this and open up to new energy and new experience. Children are an extension of us. Let them be a continuation of all the best that is in us, that which we love and develop in ourselves.

The relationship between parents and children is a complex system of relationships, the subject of study of the psychology of parenthood, the purpose of which is to determine the mechanisms for the development of ties between parents and children, the mutual influence of generations on each other, as well as the prevention of psychological problems of mutual understanding between parents and children. Difficulties in the relationship between parents and children are the most common reason families turn to psychologists. The modern institution of the family is in crisis. The instability of family relations, the loss of the ability and desire to raise a child properly is determined by a number of external and internal factors. What factors influence the relationship between parents and children? What are the main mistakes modern parents make that critically affect the formation of the child's personality?

Relationships between parents and children: general theoretical concepts and relationships

There is not a single psychological theory that allows building an ideal relationship between parents and children due to the individuality of the characters of each of the participants in the system, circumstances, external and internal factors. It is impossible to build ideal human relationships according to a certain model, however, by studying the psychology of parenthood, comprehending the theoretical foundations of the relationship between parents and children, many mistakes can be avoided.

Parenthood is a manifestation of the parental instinct in a person of a behavioral, emotional and social nature. Conscious parenthood is based on the unconscious instinct of reproduction, as well as on social norms, according to which the family is the basic unit of society and is characterized by the union of a man and a woman, common life, the desire to give birth, raise and socialize children.

For a child, the family is the main habitat, development and psychological formation. It is in the family during early childhood that the child comprehends the basic models of social relationships (including relationships between parents and children, using the example of relations between parents and the older generation). Childhood is the main period of human development, when he learns to cognize the world, comprehends the basic mechanisms of cognition, the foundations of relationships between people. Psychologists believe that it is in childhood that the basic skills and abilities, the psychological qualities of a person’s character, are laid, which he only develops throughout his subsequent life.

The institution of the family is extremely important for the child, since the period of childhood is characterized by partial isolation from society. Parents for a child are the main source of comprehension of human relations.

The formation of a child's personality is influenced not only by the relationship of his parents to the child himself, but also by the relationship of parents to each other. So, if the child receives enough attention from the father and mother, both parents take an equally active part in his upbringing, the child is surrounded by care and love, but tensions arise between the parents themselves, then this situation will be reflected in the child's later life.

The atmosphere of the family can influence the child in two ways: his personal development ( psychological problems, internal contradictions, complexes, fears), the formation of his relations in society (gravitation towards loneliness in order to avoid relationship problems). This influence can manifest itself both in early childhood (preschool, school age), and at a more mature age at the time of creating their own family or consciously refusing to create their own family. It is impossible to accurately predict at what stage of the child's development the effect of the unhealthy atmosphere of the family in which the child grew up and was brought up will manifest itself. However, it can be unequivocally argued that an unhealthy family atmosphere, complex relationships between parents and children will be reflected in the future life of the child.

It is false to believe that the child does not perceive the attitudes of adults, that he is unable to understand most of the problems of adult life. As a rule, the child is more receptive not to situations, conflicts, objects, circumstances, but to emotional background accompanying this or that situation of his life.

It should be understood that the child is a kind of imitator, he adopts the basics of his character, behavior, attitude towards people from his parents, moreover, starting to comprehend the basics of relationships from infancy (tone of voice in a conversation with certain family members, clear patterns of behavior in certain situations ). As a result, by a conscious age, when the child shows the first personality traits, parents are faced with nothing more than the quintessence of their own character traits, mannerisms and behavioral styles.

Relationships between parents and children: the main mistakes of generations

The relationship between parents and children is largely determined by external factors, which include material well-being, living conditions the social status of the family. TO internal factors that determine the relationship between parents and children include the culture and upbringing of parents, spirituality and morality, awareness of the spiritual value of the family, marriage, relationships between loved ones. The relationship between parents and children is largely determined by the way of life of the family, well-being and prosperity, a sense of calm and confidence, security of each family member, his desire to support and develop the family.

In many ways, the relationship between generations is determined by the mutual understanding of parents and children, which should be based on loyalty and tolerance to the needs of others. The main mistakes made by adults in the relationship between parents and children boil down to the fact that in most cases parents transfer the insults, contradictions, conflicts that they experienced during their childhood into the plane of new family relationships. The use of the experience of past relationships and generations is not a contraindication to building new relationships, but in most situations psychologists are faced with the problem of unconscious copying of their parents' behavior patterns, repeating their mistakes, which affects the freedom of each participant in the relationship, infringement of his interests, the formation of a deliberately unhealthy attitude towards institution of the family in children.

Parents and children: the psychology of relationships in practice

How to build right relationship The psychology of relationships will not tell parents and children, however, this science will allow us to study the main mistakes of generations and avoid them in practice. The main rule that parents need to realize relates to the individuality of each situation and each participant in family relationships, which allows us to argue that blindly following generally accepted patterns of behavior in the development of relationships and mutual understanding between parents and children can not only be ineffective in specific case, but also significantly aggravate the situation. In the question of parents and children, relationship psychology offers only individual approach in which the interests of all parties are taken into account.

Video from YouTube on the topic of the article:

RELATIONS OF ADULTS WITH PARENTS
Grown-up children are a constant internal conflict: love for parents and irritation, a desire to visit them more often and lack of time, resentment for misunderstanding and an inevitable sense of guilt.

When your parents are no longer alive, work with inner pain can be easier, because, having worked through grievances, you can no longer communicate with your parents, and ask for forgiveness as if “in absentia”, “after”. And the level of relationship remains at the level at which you create it. Create a level of letting go and forgiveness, and that's how it will stay with you.

And if the parents are alive, and some conflicts have not been settled, then your lesson of the Soul continues.
It is very important here to understand and realize that you will no longer receive the love that you did not have in childhood from your parents. Because that love is demanded from parents by your inner child, your childish self. And when grievances come up in you, at that time you stand in the position of I am a Child.
It's good when your parents are alive, and when talking with them, they understand your childhood pain, accept it. From their stories about their childhood, you can understand that they gave what they had. You can not give what is not in the amount that you would like. And I would like, like in the movies, like in ideal families.

But it doesn't happen that often. If you constantly have an internal or real dialogue of upholding your boundaries with your parents, then you have not passed the separation from your parents. And your mothers most often did not go through the initiation of the mother. An initiated woman is a woman who has entered adulthood. women's World. She remains a daughter, but, first of all, she is already an adult woman. And the mother introduces the daughter into the female world, but for this, the mother herself must stay in this female world.
Then adult mother feels great happiness from the fact that she has a daughter. That very period of happiness begins, which, ideally, lasts until my mother's death in old age. Then it is the younger woman and the older woman. And then the mother does not perceive her daughter either as a rival, or as a way to compensate for what was not in her life, or as a way to confirm the correctness of her life according to the type: “My daughter has the same thing, which means it’s right.”

But in life it often turns out how? A lonely woman asks questions - why she was left alone, how did it happen. And I don't want to deal with it and take responsibility. Therefore, everything is explained in a simpler way: I am alone, because “the goats came across”, or because I loved my classmate, who died at the age of twelve, and I will not have another such love. I am single, but she - my daughter - is not! Moreover, she is also happily married! Why am I lonely? Because goats came across, but she didn’t have goats, is she better than me? There is a constant unspoken rivalry going on.

Or vice versa: I am lonely, I feel bad, so at the age of eighteen I will marry her off. I love her, what if she, too, will remain lonely? And it’s okay that he’s a goat, but she can’t stand him, the main thing is that she will be married, I will push her there.
These are all uninitiated mothers. Almost all of our mothers are uninitiated. And we ourselves become so if we do not track this scenario and do not change it.

To make an initiation into the female world, you first need to separate from the mother (and from the father too).
If we do not go through separation, then we have to face not only internal conflict, but also problems in personal relationships, work relationships, relationships with friends.

We begin to look for substitutes for the love that our parents did not give us.
You know, there are plates that are divided into several compartments. You can put a separate product in each compartment. And if that part of the plate, which is called "mother's love", will be half empty, because we did not receive maternal or father's love, this does not mean that we should demand from the wife or from the husband, from friends that they fill this part. Fill in other parts, and this part will remain as it is. Childish attempts to demand that someone love you, the way you would like your parents to love you as a child, such attempts destroy relationships.

Often relationships with a significant person are unconsciously built with the goal of merging:

• There is only "we", no "I", no own desires,
• Where two - there and the third,
• We are one, We are a family.

Merging allows you to “plug up” spiritual holes from which it draws drafts of loneliness, disappointment, sadness, rage, and something else. Or rather, someone - and this “someone” becomes:

• partners
• Pets
• Job
• dependencies

Separation is considered the opposite of merging. This is a very important process that begins from the first days of life (physical separation from the mother) and ends ... for everyone. For some, it does not end until the end of life, for others it fits into 20, 30, 40 years of life.

Normal separation looks like this:

1. From birth, the child ceases to be "connected" to the mother's systems - the circulatory system, for example.
It independently performs:

• gas exchange with the environment,
• absorption of nutrients
• the conclusion that he no longer needs.

2. From 1 year (walking) and older child tries to increase the distance between himself and his mother

• leave and return
• games in "ay, ku-ku!",
• exploration of the world.

3. From 2 years old and older (at 2-3 years old) the most “bloody” separation drama takes place

• there is “I” and there is “mother”, an independent object (creature) that does not depend on me,
• the world is explored, but a return to the mother on whom the child depends is necessary.

The main conclusion at the end of this separation period:

• I do not disappear from the fact that my mother is (temporarily) not around,

and at the same time: - it turns out that I need my mother, to return to her (after the game, for example).

4. The next drama of separation occurs at 12-13 years old (during adolescence):

• it turns out that I can have my own values, my own interests,
• Parental values ​​and attitudes are re-examined.

The main conclusion: I can have my interests, my beliefs, my company, AND CHOOSE THEM. My attitudes, my ideas do not always have to coincide with my parents. Close people support me with my new, own dogmas, interests, values.

5. End point of separation:
This is the phase of “leaving the parent nest” (for the child) and encountering the “empty nest syndrome” (for the parents).
It occurs conditionally at the age of 20 (someone leaves to study at 16, others reach 30 and older).

6. Fully completed separation with parents:
This can be considered the moment when the child finally becomes a parent himself.

• and can appreciate the contribution that parents made to him, the difficulties that they faced.

However, separation can be complicated instead:

1. A certain role in the family- “scapegoat”, “bright knight-savior”, smart guy, the only child in the family, caring for an elderly person, a nanny for younger children.
Then, instead of normal separation (which, in fact, is a rather selfish process, and requires time, attention, and the efforts of parents dedicated to the child), a kind of ban on certain forms of manifestations is obtained.
“How is it to go out with friends? And who will pick up Vanya from kindergarten?

2. Lack of resources from parents(hard times, bad conditions) - then, instead of supporting his department, the child receives ready-made instructions:
- don't go there
- don't play with them
- study, otherwise you will die a fool,
That is, they begin to blame him (“by your separation you bring damage, not benefit”) or to shame (“the way you turn out - you don’t suit us”, “you are not of our kind-tribe”, “whom you were born into ?”)

3. In general, the lack of healthy borders in the family for several generations, the lack of normal separation (recognized both by the “blissful merger” with grandparents, unanimity with them, and by the eternal squabbles in the family - the fruitless attempts of adult parents to “separate themselves” from their own parental families).

Efforts in the separation process are directed to the following:

• to restore borders (for what you are responsible and for what you are not, what is really in your power to change and what is not),
• to find a resource (to whom, except for parents or a partner interested in merging with you, a boss, a job, a bottle, you can resort to for help. What could support, console, restore strength and faith in yourself),
• to “growing up” at the required age (legalization of the right to leave and return (crisis of 2-3 years), the right to have one’s own convictions (the teenage crisis is being lived through), etc.

Separation from parents in adulthood is complicated by the fact that in adult children the time of adolescent egoism has passed and the feeling of guilt towards parents is aggravated.

SIGNS OF COMPLETION OF SEPARATION:

1. You see real parents, not ideal or devalued (“terrible”) figures. Know what you can get support from them, and what you can't.
2. You are able to be your own “mom” (take care of yourself) and “dad” (go after achievements, structure your time, make plans and carry them out).
3. You are able to withstand the frustrations (disappointment, inconsistency) of your ideas about the world, and correct them yourself. For example: that a particular person you are interested in is not interested in you. That some relationships will no longer take place, some opportunities have been missed.
4. You are able to withstand approaching and moving away, do not “fly into” communication or relationships, but approach gradually, are able to look closely at the beginning of communication - and thank, appreciate what you have received, throw away unnecessary things - at the end of communication (or on a larger scale - at the end of relationships).

This is the most harmonious description of the separation process.

The well-known Berlin psychologist I. Hofmann identified several types of separation that we must go through on the way to final adulthood:
1. Emotional separation, which involves reducing dependence on parental approval or disapproval.

2. Attitude separation, which allows you to stop evaluating yourself and everything around you with parental assessments, and reasoning in parental categories. It's just that a grown child should stop looking at the world through the eyes of his parents, and start developing his own view and judgments based on personal experience.

3. Functional separation is the ability to provide for oneself and exist physically apart from the parental family.

4. Conflict separation implies the emergence of the ability not to feel worthless, just because you separated from your parents, to be able to live your life without guilt.

Unfortunately, on the part of the parent or parents, a lot is done to ensure that the separation does not occur. The best way to slow down and delay separation is to inspire the child with thoughts of his lack of independence, weakness, unviability.

And then among us are grown-up children and, it seems, like adults (at least in appearance) with approximately the following sense of self:

1. "I'm looking for myself and I can't find it." They are constantly looking for themselves, changing activities, they just can’t get on their feet. Yes, and they don’t really strive: anyway, parents will not accept either their success or their independence.

2. "This world doesn't suit me." Such teenagers and adults can drink, rage, get into stories, in a word, demonstrate with their entire biography: look how dependent, weak, frail I am.

3. "I am afraid of you". Children who are still early age managed to suggest that the outside world (in the face of the sandbox, kindergarten, schools) is irreparably dangerous, may suffer from social phobia, they will have difficulty communicating with peers and adults, they will experience communication problems.

4. "I'm having a lifelong dialogue." Finally, a child can enter into an endless argument with his parents - choose the same area of ​​​​professional activity and prove all his life that he is no worse. These relationships with parents will be emotionally richer than with any other people.

With an exacerbation women's themes(marriage, pregnancy, motherhood, divorce) we stumble upon another layer of relationships with our mother - like an iceberg that, it would seem, has sailed long ago ...
After all, our attitudes that mother is the “rear” that will always accept, no matter what happens, sometimes work to our detriment. Women often go to their mother when things don't work out personally. This type of behavior is called rollback. And the broadcast of an attitude like “the husband may not be the one, and not the last, but the mother is always alone!” - this is a big mistake, it preserves women's development in that very psychological childhood, and even reinforces the theme of opposing men and women.

But it is a man who can be the only support that allows you to dare to take this step towards your life, so that after going your own way, one day you will return to your mother as an adult woman.

THE REAL FIRST STEP on the way to your Adult woman (i.e., in fact TO YOURSELF) - this is not even a rebellion in separation with mom and defending their interests and personal boundaries. This is the readiness to ACCEPT and LIVE everything that you have to go through with this separation.
There are many examples of how mothers get sick, get injured and really walk along the edge - with only one (unconscious, of course) goal - NOT TO LET GO.
There are also many examples, how their daughters break down - unable to bear the weight of GUILT.

SOME HELP PHRASES FOR DAUGHTERS:
Mommy, my love, I really want you to be happy, and I really want to be happy myself. The best thing you can do for me is to be happy yourself, regardless of me, because I cannot be responsible for your life. In turn, I promise to be responsible for my happiness and unhappiness, to become happy myself, which I hope you will only be happy about!

Mom, I feel that you are now hurt and scared, and I'm sorry that you choose to react in this way to my decision (situation / choice / departure, etc.). Please, let's not discuss this situation anymore, WE decided so with my husband (or I decided MYSELF). If I can somehow help you accept this situation - tell me how, I will help. If you accept my choice, I will be grateful to you, if not, then there is nothing I can do.

Mom, I love you very much, even if you don't seem that way right now. Love does not require proof. What I do is my choice and it has nothing to do with how I feel about you. This is what I choose in my life, I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry. It would be important for me to have your support if you change your mind.

Mom, I gratefully accept everything that you gave me, did for me, everything that you gave me, I am very proud of my parents and will do everything to pass it on - to my children - to your grandchildren. Thank you!

Mom, if you want me to be happy and kind, please let me choose what is good for me, no one but me, even you, can know what is MINE in this life and what is not. Please trust me to live MY life, even if you think it's a mistake!

Separation is a rather complicated, even painful process, but it is very necessary if your (your!) life is valuable to you.

All the problems of relationships between children and parents cannot be listed in one article. Even if you write a book, it is unlikely to be able to accommodate all facets of the interaction between an adult and a child. However, there is still a certain similarity in all these problems, which, if you look closely, you can still find. Understanding the root processes of forming relationships between parents and children, we can already do a lot: avoid fatal mistakes, form the right communication, set the right tone. In this article, we invite readers to consider all the problems of parents and children with the help of modern psychoanalysis - Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology.

What are the typical problems between parents and children?
What is the difference between a child, a teenager and an adult child in interaction with parents?
What problems does the violation of good relationships between parents and children bring to us? How to avoid these problems?

Undoubtedly, parents and children have many problems, and this means only one thing - it is necessary to look for their solution. For starters, the good news is that whatever the problem is, you are clearly not the first to encounter it. There is already someone in this world who not only felt it, but tried a lot of things to solve it, having gained their experience of trial and error. There is also bad news - the world is oversaturated with information on any occasion, including the problems of communication between parents and children. Not all of this information is useful, some of it is misleading. Trying all the methods of education and solving problems is not enough life: children will simply grow up.

So we have to balance on a very fragile line of separation: on the one hand, look for and apply the latest, better ways development of children, on the other hand, to be able to understand what will really work, will have an effect in this particular case. As the experience of many parents shows, the only support here can be an understanding of psychology. And not only children, but also their own. After all, problems in relationships arise not only because children cannot be influenced, but also because parents evaluate them through themselves.

Let's talk about adults: all the problems from childhood

Each person has their own desires. Moreover, we live by the principle of fulfilling these desires. I want to get a good salary, I want to love and be loved, I want, I want, I want. If we manage to realize our desires, we feel happiness, joy, pleasure. If it doesn't work, then we're unhappy. And since life is a complex, intricate process, in most cases, more is not succeeded than succeeded.

When we have children, we want the best for them. For them to be happy, for them to have more joy. With the rarest exception, the relationship between children and parents is built precisely on this: the desire of adults to ask the child better life than his own. But it doesn't always work out. And there are several reasons for this. The most basic is that children and parents almost always have different desires. This is due to the psychotype, the vector set, which very indirectly depends on heredity. The innate desires of children and parents are not only different, they are sometimes contradictory in nature. Therefore, problems can begin from early childhood. Here, for example, is a nimble and very dexterous mother with a skin vector and a calm, assiduous child with an anal vector. The more a mother tries to speed up (and for her time and its savings are of great value) her baby, the more he slows down (for him, the main thing is to do it qualitatively, but it’s hard to do it quickly). Or another example, an introvert dad closed in his thoughts with a sound vector and an extroverted, emotional child with a visual vector. The child needs emotional connection with his father, his participation, his smile, and instead in front of him is a solid block of ice.

The second reason is the expectations of parents from children of a certain result. It happens in very different ways, but the essence of the relationship does not change from this - the transfer of one's idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe ideal scenario of life to the child. For example, a skin-visual mother really wanted to become a ballerina, but she did not succeed: she was not sent to a ballet school as a child, and then it was already too late. With the birth of her daughter, she makes every effort to give this fate to the child. Or, for example, a dad with an anal vector, who has been dreaming of a son all his life, suddenly notices that his child feels sorry for the bug and may burst into tears if he is killed. He begins to pedal masculinity in him, gives him into the fight, finds fault with his behavior.

It is very rare for parents to "get" into the desires of the child. In most cases, education occurs on a whim, which means that resentment, hostility, anger cannot be avoided in principle. By learning to accurately share the desires of children, you can find a balance and ask them really happy life in future.

Let's talk about children: different relationship problems at different stages of their growing up

Even the smallest children also have desires. Still undeveloped, unlimited, very selfish. They just have to evolve into their opposites. You need to understand that this process takes place in several important, but very different stages. Each stage has its own characteristics of the relationship between parents and children, and often they are directly opposite. However, parents, out of ignorance, make transfers, always feeling their child as an unconscious baby.

Period one: when the child is still a child.

A small child already from the cradle unconsciously loves his parents, reaches out to them, and, as he grows up, idolizes them. Dad is the strongest for him, mom is the kindest and best. Even when offended, angry, falling in hysterics, screaming that he hates that his mother is bad, any child ALWAYS reaches out to his parents. This desire can be easily explained: children receive from their parents (primarily from their mothers) a sense of security.

During this period, the relationship between parents and children should be built on the maximum use of this dependence, there will be no more opportunity. Of course, one cannot do without restrictions, punishments, tricks. But any child, if you find an approach to him and understand his desires, learns life very easily. During this period, he can be given moral guidelines, taught to set goals and achieve them, taught to see life as development.

Period two: when the child is no longer a child, but a teenager.

How to make the relationship between parents and children become impeccable?

Time flies by, and children grow up very quickly. And with the same speed, the problems of relationships between children and parents are changing: from the simplest to the most complex. An excellent tool for the formation of the correct, harmonious interaction between the child and the parent, today is system-vector psychology Yuri Burlan. Full online training gives any adult, even without specialized education, the basics of understanding the psychology of their own children. The introductory, introductory part is free and to access it, you only need to register, which you can go through.

Remember, no matter how difficult relationships between parents and children are, they are never hopeless. Everything can be fixed, everything in life can be changed. If you want to receive more information, subscribe to our newsletter in the form below this article.