Emotions after a breakup Parting

But breaking up is a process. And like any process, parting has stages through which a person goes.

There is a common expression: time heals. But it is not time that heals, but a more or less correct passage through all the necessary stages of parting.

In the case of a normal living of all stages, a person after some time comes to his senses again and returns to life. If fixation occurs at some stage or the stage was lived incorrectly, then you can suffer for a long time.

In this article, I will describe all 6 stages of experiencing a breakup, as well as give small exercises that will help you understand how you live (or lived) a breakup, which in the future will allow you to eliminate mistakes and make your life easier.

1. Stage of denial: avoidance, fear, numbness, accusation, misunderstanding.

2. Stage of expressing feelings: irritability, anger, anxiety, shame, shame.

3. Stage of depression and alienation: lack of energy, nonsense, helplessness, overstrain.

5. The stage of admission of defeat: the search for new ideas, the creation of a new plan.

6. Stage of resuscitation: self-esteem, significance, security, empowerment.

The stage of denial is characterized by such feelings, thoughts and sensations as: avoidance, fear, numbness, accusation, misunderstanding.

Denial is the cry of the soul - "nooo"! This "no" reveals the oldest and most familiar defense of the psyche - denial.

Its meaning is to cope with the difficult to bear pain of losing a loved and important person, as well as with the loss of the integrity of one's personality.

This stage can be compared to the loss of any part of your body. And denial acts on the psyche as an anesthetic through the conviction "this is not, this did not happen."

Denial has several options:

1. We can deny the loss itself: sometimes it happens in the form - we still meet, we just decided to see each other less often, and sometimes (in pathological cases) - a complete denial of the breakup.

2. We can deny the irreversibility of the loss: for example, no, he (she) is still with me, we just decided to take a break from the relationship in order to improve it, sort out our feelings and be together again.

3. We can deny that the loss happened to us: the most common form of this kind of breakup denial is “I don’t believe it happened to me”

4. We can devalue the significance of the loss: for example, we have been moving towards this for a long time (and, unlike the actual acceptance of the fact, this is said only as a small consolation to ourselves)

Think and write, in what form does the phase of denial of the experience of a breakup take place (passed) for you? Write down your thoughts that you have (had), feelings and sensations. How do you behave (have behaved) in this phase?

The stage of expression of feelings is characterized by irritability, anger, anxiety, shame, shame.

At this stage, which comes after the first, a person, as a rule, already beginning to feel the reality of what is happening, experiences and lives through all possible negative feelings. Moreover, these negative feelings can be directed both at the departed person and at oneself.

Do you blame (accused) the person who left you for what happened? Do you blame (blame) yourself for breaking up?

Do you feel (felt) guilty or ashamed about what happened? If yes, then because of what: because you broke up or because you were abandoned?

Do you feel (felt) angry at what happened? To whom is your anger directed - at you or at the departed? Why do you have (had) anger (if you have or had) - because you broke up and all your plans for the future collapsed or because you were abandoned?

The stage of depression and alienation is characterized by lack of energy, nonsense, helplessness, overstrain.

This stage occurs due to the fact that at the previous stage, our psyche, as a rule, chooses the rejection of lived feelings, that is, their repression, as a defense. And, nothing comes to replace them.

Depression is an emptiness inside, a withdrawal from the pain of parting. It is the withdrawal from one's pain that causes depression.

It is at this stage that suicides, rash and stupid acts often occur!

Think about whether you allow (have allowed) yourself to express all (absolutely all) feelings that you experienced? What feelings have you repressed? Think about when and why you decided to forbid yourself to experience feelings?

We put this stage in fourth place, although it is present in all the first three stages. It is characterized by constant attempts to find an explanation for what happened, to understand the reasons (mental turn), internal conflict (to return or not).

Think about how this stage passes (passed) for you, at what stages and in what forms was it present? How often do you have these symptoms?

At this stage, a person reconciles or accepts what happened, the psyche adapts. There comes an understanding that it is necessary to live on no matter what.

Remember how much time has passed since the breakup of the relationship before you came to this stage?

At this stage, the person almost fully returns to life. Self-esteem rises, new meanings to live are found.

The fifth and sixth stages, as a rule, bear the imprint of compensation, that is, the wound from parting remains, but overgrows.

But the main thing is that you still continue to live, and new people, new impressions gradually replace the image of the departed person in your life, in your psyche.

Make a table of all six stages of separation living, which will reflect: how long each of the stages lasted for you, as well as what feelings, thoughts and sensations were in each of them.

Look at this table and think about whether you sometimes return to one of these stages? If - yes, then something else is left not lived in it. Determine that you have not yet lived in it.

Mentally return to this stage and live out all the feelings left there.

What stages do people go through when breaking up?

Getting over a breakup isn't easy. Absolutely all people go through certain stages of parting - someone faster, someone longer. The site sympaty.net will talk about each of the stages and advise on how to cope with the experience.

This is fine!

If you find yourself in a situation of breaking off relations with your loved one and it’s hard, bitter and bad for you from a variety of thoughts and emotions that have piled up at the same time - this is normal! Do not think that it is only you who is such a “nurse” and “rag”, but somewhere there is “ right women”, which easily and simply accept the termination of a love relationship, without nerves and tears.

There are no “correct” and strong ones - the human psyche is arranged in such a way that breaking up relationships is difficult for everyone.

And this also applies to parting at an early, romantic stage, and after a long time - at the stage of a strong habit to a partner.

Relationships are literally a drug that is difficult to quit: hormones released during falling in love - endorphin, dopamine, etc. can be called a narcotic substance. If it suddenly turns out that their production in the previous quantities is no longer relevant, then the person really, in some sense, experiences a syndrome of failure, “breaking”. This, in principle, explains all the classic situations when “I understand with my mind that the former is an asshole, but it’s bad, how, girls, at least run back to him!”

In general, the stages of separation in women and men occur in the same way, and the difference in behavior is usually explained not by gender differences in psychology, but simply by human habits. Someone “eats” stress, someone gets drunk, someone goes headlong into work, but the emotions are the same ...

Stage 1: disagreement with reality, denial

After a love relationship, it is generally difficult for a person to believe that everything is really in the past. It seems that now he / she will change his mind and return, that it will be possible to start from scratch, etc. If you initiated the breakup, and not your partner, then at this stage of separation you may want to forgive, close your eyes to all the reasons why you left, call ex-man back…

Mind to realize that everything is really in the past. Do everything so that there is no temptation to enter into communication with the former - leave, load yourself with work, get busy creative project, devote a lot of time to children and / or friends, etc. After some time (weeks or months), the acceptance of the fact of separation will occur.

Stage 2: resentment and anger

After the realization of the completed break has come, a new wave of resentment against the former may begin to grow: “Here’s an artiodactyl, he deliberately left me, he is this and that”, etc.

Sometimes it does without anger - and this is a constructive way.

What to do? If a feeling of strong resentment has befallen you, then ... experience this emotion. It’s better to be offended and want a new bright life without this person than to endlessly look for excuses ex boyfriend and painfully regret that it was not possible to save your couple.

Stage 3: bargaining attempts

If at the stage of anger there is no clear desire to stop suffering and live on full life, then the stage of separation may come, when a woman tries to bargain with herself - how to part in such a way as to leave herself at least a little hope of returning or to provide an illusory respite to the final break.

For example, "I will communicate with him, because we have a child, and he must see that mom and dad do not quarrel, but are friends." Or “today, for the last, last time, I will spend the evening with my ex and vino, but then no, no, I’ll start making new acquaintances!”.

What to do? One of two things - either no “last rhymes”, or without too much romance and hopes, transfer love relationships into purely business ones (for example, if you really need to contact on the upbringing of a common child).

Stage 4: despair, depression

It comes when a person realizes that bargaining with himself and / or a former partner failed, and the separation did take place. The psychology of depressive states is a complicated matter, but if we are not talking about chronic depression, then it is important to understand that sadness and sadness will inevitably pass - this happens to both women and men!

What to do? Hurry up to the next stage!

Stage 5: Final acceptance of the breakup and aspiration for a new life

This is when you realize that the former is, of course, artiodactyl, but there are so many nice guys around! And in general, there is a new collection in your favorite store, a girlfriend invites you to go dancing on a pole, and an interesting man wrote in Tinder ...

What to do? new hairstyle and the purchase of new clothes in the wardrobe!

Stages of experiencing a breakup, how people experience a breakup

Dealing with a breakup is hard. Not only is it difficult to realize and accept the fact that you are no longer with your loved one, but it is also unbearably difficult to cope with the pain of breaking up a relationship.

But breaking up is a process. And like any process, parting has stages through which a person goes. There is a common expression: "time heals". But it is not time that heals, but a more or less correct passage through all the necessary stages of parting. In the case of a normal living of all stages, a person after some time comes to his senses again and returns to life. If fixation occurs at some stage or the stage was lived incorrectly, then you can suffer for a long time. In this article, I will describe all 6 stages of the breakup experience, which will help you understand how people experience breakups and breakups.

First, we will list all the stages to make it easier for you to navigate through them.

And now we will describe each stage in more detail and give exercises for analyzing and understanding our behavior at each of these stages.

Depression after a breakup

Termination of a relationship with a loved one is a serious psychological stress, regardless of whether the break was a mutual decision, or the partner suddenly disappeared from sight. The period after separation is not only a global change in lifestyle, social status, financial situation and established habits. This is a total breakdown of the thinking model, a revision of existing stereotypes, a reorganization of one's behavior and the formation of a new perception of reality.

Parting with a loved one causes severe distress, has a devastating effect on the psycho-emotional sphere of the individual. As shown by large-scale studies described in the author's methodology by American doctors Holmes and Ray (Holmes, Rahe, 1967), divorce of spouses (78 points) ranks second in terms of the influence of stress factors, and parting with a partner took third place in terms of the significance of life events (65 points). ). It should be noted that the intensity of the impact of the rupture of personal relationships exceeds negative impact such negative facts as imprisonment (63 points), death of a close relative (63 points) and own serious illness (53 points). This negative pressure on the psyche of irreversible separation explains the great importance for most people of having strong, permanent personal relationships. According to Maslow's theory of the hierarchy of needs, the criterion of "belonging to love" is on the third step in the pyramid of human values.

Most contemporaries, after a break in relations, develop a short-term, mild, subdepressive syndrome, which is characterized by: depressed mood, decreased performance, tearfulness, a feeling of emptiness, "heartfelt" longing. However, in contrast to this passing blues, some people in the post-divorce period show signs of mental pathology - clinical depression, often requiring immediate qualified assistance.

If a person after a traumatic event for a long time (more than 3 weeks) is in a depressed state, interfering with the usual activities, negatively affecting physical well-being, forcing them to make adjustments to their lifestyle, then you should think about the presence of depressive reactions. It should be noted that depression after a divorce is a dangerous disorder that often leads to suicidal attempts.

It is generally accepted that only the representatives of the weaker sex are dramatically experiencing the situation of a break in relations, but this is not true. Most men also experience unpleasant depressive symptoms, and many of them prefer to “muffle” their feelings, anger, resentment with strong drinks, which causes an even more severe form of the disorder.

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Depression after separation: phases of the disease

Depression after parting, as a rule, proceeds according to a certain "scenario", including successive stages of the disorder. The period after separation can be divided into five successive phases.

Phase 1. Shock-numbness-denial

In this phase, the first response to the departure of a partner occurs - a shock, because often the message about the break in relations is unexpected and groundless. In this period, it is difficult to realize the fact that a loved one has made an unambiguous, final choice: an abandoned spouse has the illusion that the relationship can still be resurrected.

The sphere of consciousness refuses to accept these "inaccurate" information, the brain launches rational mechanisms of protection against stress: denial and repression. Even in cases where the divorce was a mutual, conscious, planned decision, and the partners understand that further coexistence is impossible, the psyche of not every individual can instantly and unambiguously accept this “right” choice. The state of shock can be observed for months, which has an extremely negative impact on physical and mental health.

Phase 2. Resentment-bitterness-aggression

In the second phase, a person realizes that in his life there is no longer a once loving and beloved partner. An image of an “evil tyrant” is formed in the mind, who caused pain and brought mental anguish. Resentment and anger arise at the former passion, there is a desire to carry out "blood feud". The genetic instinct of self-preservation is triggered: if you want to survive, attack first.

Having reached the maximum peak, emotional stress is transformed into aggressive behavior. It is this short period that is characterized by mutual outbursts of uncontrollable rage. At this time, former partners quarrel a lot, sort things out, try to manipulate each other, involving relatives and children in "showdowns".

Phase 3. Attempts at reconciliation

The third stage is one of the most difficult periods. Under the influence of negative emotions, there is a decrease in the concentration of "useful" neurotransmitters, and the brain makes desperate attempts to make up for the deficiency of "happiness" hormones - serotonin and dopamine. As a rule, at this time, the rejected partner makes attempts to reconcile with his beloved, tries to restore relations and resurrect the faded feeling.

Phase 4. Apathy-depression

The longest and most dangerous stage: in some people it can last for years. Unsuccessful attempts to return a loved one lead to apathy, unwillingness to do anything, indifference to what is happening. A person acutely feels his loneliness and ranks himself among the worthless, insignificant, unpromising. Having dragged on for a long time, the state of blues is transformed into a depressive disorder, which not everyone succeeds in overcoming on their own. A person begins to believe that the meaning of life is lost, his future is sheer pain, torment, sadness. He is overcome by despair, often there is a desire to say goodbye to life. Depressive somatic symptoms are manifested and aggravated, and the individual, in most cases, does not have enough strength to resist them. With complex drug and psychotherapeutic treatment, “enlightenment” occurs in the mind of the patient, and the person enters the final phase.

Phase 5. Awareness-acceptance-adaptation

At this stage, the individual is aware of the changes that have occurred in his life and accepts the events that have occurred as a fait accompli. A neutral attitude towards the former partner is formed. The personality ceases to “slow down”, analyze its own personal history and recognizes that the experienced separation is another step towards becoming oneself as a person. Having adapted to his new position, a person has a strong motivation for action, an incentive appears to secure his future, and the hidden energy reserves of the body are extracted.

It should be noted that the duration and features of the course of each of the above phases depends on various factors, including:

• Individual character traits;
• The level of self-esteem;
• Threshold of susceptibility to stress;
• Adopted model of response to stressors;
• The state of the nervous system as a whole;
• The presence of other traumatic factors;
• reason for separation;
• Age category of partners;
• The need to resolve property disputes;
• Significance of resulting lifestyle changes;
• The presence of common children;
• Opportunity to receive support from family and friends.

Symptoms of depression

Depression after parting with a loved one is manifested by numerous unpleasant psychological symptoms. The leading signs of pathology are:

• Depressed mood;
• Anhedonia (loss of interest or lack of pleasure in activities that previously brought joy);
• Decreased performance, fatigue;
• Desire to be alone, avoidance of social contacts;
• Pessimistic assessment of the present and future;
• Self-accusation and self-abasement, feeling of uselessness and uselessness, low self-esteem;
• Irrational fear;
• Difficulty concentrating, inability to make a decision;
• Thinking about death, suicidal attempts;
• Changing eating habits;
• Glycogeusia (causeless occurrence of a sweet taste in the oral cavity);
• Hypochondriacal moods (too close, causeless attention to one's health)
• Sleep disturbance: insomnia (insomnia), oversleeping, interrupted sleep.

Many people have problems with the formation of addictions: alcohol, drugs or gambling. Some resort to uncontrolled self-medication with psychotropic drugs, which is fraught with the emergence of dependence on drugs.

How to deal with depression after a breakup?

Each specific case of depression requires the development of its own unique “strategic” plan for overcoming the disorder, however, psychologists have developed universal recommendations that allow them to overcome obstacles on the path of life with minimal damage to health.

In the phase of denial, the key to success is to realize and accept a fait accompli, give up illusions and not stay in a fantasy, fictional world. You should convince yourself that from today the former partner is not around and never will be, and from now on this life segment will have to be passed on your own.

When resentment, anger and aggression begin to appear, it is necessary to change the direction of the flow of your negative emotions. It is categorically contraindicated to be the initiator or participant in "family squabbles" with mutual insults and humiliation. If the meeting with the former passion did happen, you should be concise, convincing and confident that you are right. It is necessary to throw out the existing negative, but it must be done in civilized ways: run a kilometer cross, pour out your anger on paper, shout out your resentment loudly in a secluded place.

Being in a depressive state, it is necessary not only to take prescribed medications, but also to apply one's own strength to get out of a painful state. To achieve success in the battle with depression, a sincere desire of the patient to overcome his troubles is necessary. It is important to strike the right balance between “mourning” the problem and distracting from the oppressive state. It should be noted that attempts to avoid natural experiences will lead to "conservation" of the problem and turn depression into a chronic, protracted course. You can’t ignore your desire to shed your grief with tears, but you should set clear deadlines for yourself to sob, devoting the rest of the time to natural antidepressant therapy. Among the safe and effective means to overcome depression:

• Communication with friends, relatives, colleagues.
• New acquaintances with optimistic people.
• Regular active exercise, running.
• Oriental breathing techniques, yoga, wushu, meditation.
• Faith in God.
• Balanced diet.
• Body care, massages, spa treatments.
• Creative activity.
• Mastering new knowledge.
• Creation of new traditions.
• Travel, tourism.

The most valuable thing that a person acquires, having overcome depression with dignity after parting with a loved one, is freedom. The freedom to be who you are. The freedom to choose your own path in life. The freedom to build your life and further relationships exactly as he deems necessary. Freedom from prejudices about the importance of preserving marriage by any means. The freedom to learn, develop and improve as a person. Freedom from the past!

Unified classification of depressive disorders on this moment does not exist. Most Russian and foreign psychiatrists use several options for systematization. Among them are the following types: Classification by types of depression: simple (apathetic, melancholic, anxious); complex (states accompanied by obsession, delirium). Classification according to the course of depression (ICD-10): a single depressive episode, recurrent (recurring) depression, bipolar disorder (change of depressive and manic phases), […].

depression in women

Depression in women of different age categories is observed 2 times more often than in the same group of men.

Depression: concept, general ideas

Depression is a state of mind experienced by a person as overwhelming, oppressive sadness with intense anxiety.

What are ten features of depression? Depression: Is common; Often "disguised" under the guise of various somatic diseases; It is easy to diagnose if you look for it; Often occurs in severe form; Having taken a chronic course, it often becomes aggravated; Causes significant financial costs; Makes changes in the patient's lifestyle; Changes radically the preferences, principles, values, views of the individual; “Forces” to stop and reconsider their views on life; Fine […].

The main goal of the treatment of depression is to achieve a stable state in which the person does not have a low mood, there are no thoughts about the futility of the future, the usual working capacity and vitality are restored, and the quality of life improves. In psychiatry, separate conditions are distinguished in the course of depression and its treatment. These include: Remission is the absence of symptoms of depression for an extended period of time after […].

Depression in teenagers

To date, many methods have been developed and successfully used to treat depression in adolescents.

Discussions

Breakup stages

9 posts

It may be helpful for you to know that we usually have to go through 4 stages of the post-breakup experience before we are ready for a new relationship. Yes, it's not easy. But no matter how it seems to us that the whole world is collapsing, we must not forget that all this is temporary.

Anger: "Why did this happen to me? Who is to blame?".

Dialogue: "If this hadn't happened, I would."

Depression: "I'm too sad to do anything."

Confession: "I'm at peace with what happened."

If you have lived with the pain of separation for several days, weeks or even months, then you have probably already begun to suspect that this is one of those cases where time does not seem to heal.

Grieving the loss of a loved one or separation from him is a process that requires not only time, but also immersion with the support and help of other people. Human communication in such a period of life is more important than ever.

Do not forget that the grief of loss is not only a page from the book of your life. Millions of people have had similar experiences of separation and healing that they are willing to share. Join a support group or find a mentor in these areas. The most important thing is to acknowledge your experiences and be ready to share them.

Men and women react differently to the pain of a breakup. After a breakup, men are more inclined to not care much about developing relationships, so they make acquaintances quite quickly, but are very “cautious” in terms of deepening these relationships and taking responsibility.

Women, in turn, trying to avoid pain in the future, tend not to get involved in relationships in any serious way at all.

Over time, these tendencies may weaken, but significant changes will not occur until the man or woman experiences the full grief of the loss of a loved one.

We rise from the ashes of loss with emotional hunger and a lack of warmth and love, which leaves us rather ill-prepared for a new deep relationship with a desire to commit ourselves to another person.

We need to heal emotionally first before we are really ready to step into a new relationship and open ourselves up to love again.

In fact, best time for such a step when you feel that you could calmly not do it. More often, however, men enter into relationships too quickly, and women unconsciously push away love. Until the heart is completely healed, a man is not able to unconditionally give, and a woman is also unconditionally able to receive love.

The end of a relationship is the end of being able to see the direction in which your future life seemed to be moving. Give yourself enough time and space to come back to your senses after such a staggering loss. In time, you will be able to heal. Recognizing the depth of your pain is the first and most important step on your unique path back to happiness.

What are the stages after a breakup for women and men?

Yesterday you were a couple and could not imagine life without each other, and today each of you meets the dawn in an empty room with one single question: “How to live now?” You can measure the ceiling with an empty look, shed tears for the lost and run away from yourself for an infinitely long time, but time heals.

True, a cure occurs only if the process of parting with a loved one went correctly and in stages. Today, on the site Koshechka.ru, we’ll talk about what stages of separation women and men go through.

What is a breakup?

From the point of view of psychology, parting is the loss of a relationship when they can no longer develop further for one reason or another. The gap can be unexpected or deliberate, when the relationship has reached an impasse and it simply does not make sense to continue it. One way or another, parting with a loved one borders on the concept of "life cut short", and this is due to the absence at this stage of any positive thoughts in your head.

Breaking up a relationship is a systematic process that has its own stages. Only after going through them all can you return to normal life again. If you get stuck at any stage parting or live it wrong, you can suffer for a very long time, because until the stage is passed, it is impossible atstep to the next.

Let's list on the site ko6e4ka.ru 6 main stages of parting through which men and women go through:

1. Stage of denial of what is happening.
2. The stage of expression or oppression of feelings.
3. The stage of bargaining or attempts to "glue" the relationship.
4. Stage of apathy to everything that happens.
5. The stage of accepting the situation and humility.
6. The stage of a second wind or a new page in life.

Depending on the complexity of the situation and the intensity of emotions, each of us is experiencing this difficult moment in life with its own speed and characteristics. The main thing is not to let yourself go in cycles at any particular stage and look for all the ways out of this situation.

Stage 1 - Denial of what is happening

The first phrase that spins in my head after the words: “I don’t love you anymore!” or “We need to break up”, “This is not happening to me.” Consciousness refuses to accept the circumstances and includes a defensive reaction, which is expressed in the denial of what is happening. It was as if a person had been doused with a bucket of ice water or hit hard on the head with something heavy. The soul screams “Nooo!”, and stress makes a person curl up. Joint plans for life common interests, memories and dreams - it all collapsed! The bouquet of feelings after parting has not yet had time to open up and the only thing that lives in the heart at this stage is the unbearability of the very notion that this person will no longer be around. Fear, misunderstanding and severe anxiety are the main experiences of men and women after parting.

If everything was already going to break, and you had time to get used to the idea that sooner or later you will have to disperse, then the effect of devaluing the significance of the loss occurs. In this case, there is no strong shock and feelings, but feelings seem to be frozen: the heart should scream in pain and grief, but it simply does not care.

At this stage, it is important not to go completely into yourself, but to ask for help and support from relatives, otherwise you can get out of this stage of separation, especially for women, from several months to several years.

Stage 2 - Expression or suppression of feelings

As soon as the realization of what is happening comes, a wave of real feelings will flood. Everything can mix here: pain, anger, hatred, guilt, jealousy. We get angry at our loved ones for making us go through a breakup, for not leaving a single chance to correct the situation. In a state of panic, we begin to look for the culprit: and often we find it in our own face. The woman is tormented with the question: “Why didn’t I keep him?”, And the man tries to take revenge or showers his former lover with threats.

Now it is important not to go too far: get angry, but in moderation and without the use of physical force. Not only your partner, but also the people around you can suffer from your emotions. Usually women in such a situation beat the dishes or tear paper, defiantly throw things out of the window of their beloved. A man can throw a phone or something heavier at the wall in anger.

Stage 3 - Bargaining or attempts to "glue" the relationship

The first two stages of parting in women and men simultaneously contain this stage - constant attempts to return everything back.

After the ardent passions have subsided, there is some calm and a more or less conscious analysis of the situation takes place. As soon as the reason for the gap is clarified, the stage of bidding and swings, tearful telephone conversations and SMS battles with pleas for forgiveness begins. We are looking for loopholes and any approaches to the heart of the beloved in order to somehow reduce the size of the wound in the heart. Hope at this stage is the only thing that allows us to continue to live on. After all, all the brightest and most wonderful things are left behind, and in front there is only darkness and hopelessness from the situation.

Sometimes attempts to get together really end in success, but these relationships are already new. If you don’t approach your beloved, you need to let go of the situation and start a new life without him.

Stage 4 - Apathy for everything that happens

This stage allows us to understand what it means to be a vegetable: insensitive and going with the flow of life. The brain and heart are tired of fighting and, finally, the realization has come that the past cannot be returned, and life still goes on. It is useless to look for the guilty if this does not return the loved one anyway.

There is a void in the heart. Someone lies all day long, buried in the ceiling, someone sits for hours at the TV, and someone watches with tears joint photos. Sometimes apathy reaches a point where there is no strength left for anything, and only a psychologist can help to cope with experiences. Usually by this time a person is already exhausted so much that a gradual normalization of the psyche occurs: resentment passes, the pain dulls, consciousness returns.

At this stage of parting, it is important to cry and remember all the good things - this is necessary for the transition to the next state.

Stage 5 - Acceptance of the situation and humility

The time of "shaking and clouding" has passed, life begins to slowly return to its previous course. Memories are still alive in memory, but this no longer prevents us from going about our daily activities. What happened makes us draw conclusions, and fear of a new relationship settles in the heart for a long time.

Having gathered all the will into a fist, women begin to take care of themselves: again in the hands of a cosmetic bag, a schedule of affairs for two weeks in advance, a cup of coffee for breakfast, fitness on weekends, meetings with girlfriends in a cafe. Men silently try to find a balance and also take not a glass of cognac or vodka, but drive their favorite car and go to solve their daily male problems.

Stage 6 - Second wind or a new page in life

Life is gradually filled with new events and acquaintances, the sun again looks into an empty room, and food regains its taste. We understand that life has taught us a cruel lesson, but we are grateful to her for this shake-up.

A person after parting, as if after receiving an electric shock, learns to live again. Strength and self-confidence are gradually returning, new plans and prospects appear ahead. The last stage is characterized by complete acceptance of what happened: if we broke up, then we did not fit together.

How do women cope with a breakup?

The stages of parting in the female half of humanity are accompanied by pronounced emotionality and duration. A feature of female psychology is the duration of the depressive state in this situation. Sometimes a woman can be in a state of apathy for several years.

Having lost confidence in themselves and their beauty, women often try to survive the breakup of relationships under the guise of a successful and independent “woman”. From the point of view of psychology, this is the most successful move - so a woman can get used to the presented image and it is easier to go through all the stages of experiencing parting.

How do men cope with a breakup?

Oddly enough, but men perceive the process of parting much closer to their hearts than women. Outwardly, they will not show weakness, with their heads held high and their eyes dry, they will accumulate rage and anger inside themselves until it all pours out in the form of:

1. Drinking alcoholic beverages to numb mental pain.
2. Doing sports to the point of complete exhaustion.
3. Chaotic changes of partners in bed.

According to psychology, men are less resistant to this kind of negativity, and this is due to a higher susceptibility to what is happening.

Remember, men and women have different views on relationships between themselves. Only the pursuit of the same goal can save the union from parting: partners for the sake of a common goal will be ready for any compromises.

Stages of separation of a man and a woman, stages of emotional experiences

When relationships between people become obsolete and a break occurs, a very painful process begins for a person. It is accompanied by feelings of disappointment, sadness, and intense mental pain. The loss of a loved one is rarely experienced easily and naturally. In this case, a person goes through certain stages and stages of termination of the relationship. Each of them is characterized by the emergence of various, mostly negative, emotions.

In psychology, the separation of lovers is defined as the loss of a relationship. American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross drew up a plan for the stages of experiencing a breakup before the emergence of new feelings with a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are 5 stages of depression in the breakup of a relationship:

• denial of what happened;
• anger and hatred towards a partner;
• bargaining and hope for reconciliation;
• depression and apathy;
• acceptance and starting life from scratch.

These stages are the same for both men and women. And the difference in behavior is determined by individual qualities and habits. People express the same emotions in different ways.

It is difficult to understand the separation and believe in what happened. People until the last hope that they will make peace with their other half and start all over again, that their beloved will call and say that there was no parting. The mind is aware of reality, but all the feelings seem to be frozen. This period can last from 3 weeks to 1.5 years.

After realizing that the partner has abandoned, resentment sets in, which turns into anger. Accusations and negative statements about the former lover begin. The desire to have something in common with him disappears. Aggression can also be directed at oneself. But there is no need to restrain yourself, as resentment can remain for life. This period lasts for several months.

Numerous conversations with oneself begin. Options for the development of events are being worked out. A person tries to understand what he made a mistake, to imagine what would happen if he behaved differently. People are trying to create the illusion of a non-final break. At this stage, only themselves begin to blame for everything, and the partner is considered ideal.

The person realized that it would not be possible to return the relationship, and the gap occurred. Because of heavy thoughts, sadness, longing and depression come. Mourning a loved one and missing the past, a person simply exists. Everything is colorless and it seems that life is over.

Gradually, the feeling of loss begins to recede, there is a desire to change your life for the better. All grievances are forgotten. A person seeks to start new relationships and make acquaintances.

The stages of depression during parting in women are longer and more emotionally pronounced. There are cases when they could not overcome this stage for more than 10 years.

To cope with this condition, experts recommend creating for yourself the image of a successful, strong girl and getting used to it as much as possible. Try to experience as many pleasant emotions as possible. If you follow this rule, then the chance of finding a new partner for a relationship increases. This will help heal your emotional wounds.

An important point is self-respect, self-love. If a woman does not value herself, then men, all the more, will not pay attention to her.

Men endure the gap more acutely. Usually they are restrained and have a firm character. But in a situation where a partner decides to break the union, the male psyche is more receptive. At this time, the behavior of men is characterized by:

• casual sexual relations for self-affirmation of personality;
• active sports until the body is completely exhausted;
• driving at high speed on any type of transport;
• drinking alcohol to relieve pain.

To make the breakup less painful, psychologists advise:

• do not communicate and do not follow the life of former lovers, remove them from all social networks and contacts;
• enroll in a sports club;
• find new acquaintances;
• update the look with clothes and accessories;
• stock up on strength and patience in order to survive this temporary phenomenon;
• do not be alone, take more walks;
• find your interests and hobbies.

You don’t need to close yourself in, the only way you can fill life with meaning, and after a while find your partner and start a family.

How can a woman cope with depression after breaking up with a man?

Depression after breaking up with a man is familiar to many women. Only a few of them were able to quickly get rid of the oppressed state and restore peace of mind. Most women after a breakup lose their vitality and plunge into a depressive state. It can last for months. Sometimes a woman cannot finally get rid of the consequences of psychological trauma until the end of her life.

destructive action

Breaking up a relationship inevitably hurts a woman's self-esteem and hurts a woman's pride. Especially if it happened at the initiative of a loved one. The severity of the depressive state also depends on the tact of the beloved. Rude and mocking words can cause a severe painful condition in a woman. But even the most tactful and noble behavior of a loved one who offered to leave will deeply hurt his former lover.

The trauma is caused by the abrupt collapse of the plans and hopes associated with a broken relationship. Girls tend to dream about marriage, about the role of the mother of cute children and the mistress of a cozy home. They perceive parting with a guy as a betrayal, a stab in the back and the end of life.

Romantic persons idealize their lover, attributing qualities that are unusual for him. They dream of a happy long-term marriage until death, filled with trust, love and tenderness. Broken dreams destroy the foundation of their idea of ​​the world order. Frustrated girls begin to question all their beliefs.

A woman loses faith in her strength, becomes withdrawn, vulnerable and distrustful. She suffers from loneliness, not knowing what to do with her suddenly appeared free time. Vulnerable creatures can forever refuse relationships with men, considering them a source of pain and suffering. Those women who managed to create a new union may subconsciously expect betrayal from the chosen one, not trusting him.

When building relationships, psychological dependence is formed. A woman gets used to rely on a loved one physically, psychologically or financially. Parting with a man, she loses her support, feels confused, defenseless and useless.

Loneliness sometimes causes a kind of psychological breakdown. A woman is trying with all her might to regain her usual comfort. She loses touch with reality and only focuses on the means of getting her lover back by any means.

A woman can try to arouse pity in him, try to blackmail him, persecute, threaten, impose. Some women try to return a man with the help of otherworldly forces, turning to various magicians and sorcerers. They torture themselves physically and emotionally. On this basis, severe psychosis can develop.

Stages of development

First comes the stage of denial. At this stage, the body's defenses are triggered, trying to reduce the destructive effects of stress.

The lonely woman is under the illusion that this is not the end. That the man was joking or getting excited. That he would disappear without her, face insurmountable difficulties and return. This stage can last from one to several months.

Over time, denial is replaced by intense anger and annoyance. A woman wants to take revenge on the offender who caused her suffering. She may try to harm him in any way. Trying to manipulate children or start a lawsuit over property.

In the third stage, a woman dramatically changes her attitude towards her lover. She remembers all the good things that happened between them. Seeks reconciliation and asks for forgiveness. She hopes that the guy will forgive her and return.

When all efforts fail desired result, the stage of apathy begins. This is the most dangerous stage that causes depression.

Symptoms

Depressive disorder after a breakup has its own symptoms:

1. A woman ceases to enjoy things that used to always cheer her up.
2. The future causes inexplicable fear. A woman is tormented by bad forebodings.
3. There is insomnia. If you manage to fall asleep, sleep does not restore strength. After waking up, the woman feels overwhelmed.
4. Performance decreases, lethargy and weakness appear.
5. It is difficult for a woman to concentrate, she becomes absent-minded and apathetic.
6. Some ladies begin to torture themselves with ruthless self-criticism.
7. Against the background of depression, a woman may completely lose her appetite, as a result of which she will begin to quickly lose weight. Another extreme is also possible, when in a stressful state the appetite becomes excessive. Weight gain can exacerbate a woman's frustration.
8. In a depressed state, a person avoids people. He refuses meetings, does not answer calls. In case of a chance meeting, he tries in every way to avoid communication.

How to get out of depression?

A lonely woman revels in her grief. The more she avoids people, the longer her depression will last after parting with her beloved. You must try not to be alone. Communication with friends, neighbors or colleagues will distract the girl from unpleasant thoughts.

It is worth temporarily limiting communication with married and loving couples.

Their happiness will painfully squeeze the heart of a lonely woman, intensifying her suffering.

It is useful to temporarily completely change the situation. An interesting journey will not leave time for sad thoughts. Many people make the mistake of refusing to travel alone if they can't find the right company. During the trip, you will definitely have the opportunity to make new acquaintances. Perhaps it will be the beginning of a new relationship.

It is advisable to take time for your appearance. New outfits, cosmetics and hairstyle will lift your mood and self-confidence. It is useful to treat yourself to a massage or other relaxation treatments. They will help to relax and calm the excited nervous system. Parting will no longer seem like a tragedy.

A great way to disconnect from gloomy thoughts is to load yourself with work. You can plunge into production problems or start repairs in the house. You can enroll in a driving course or learn a new profession.

Well treats psychological disorders rest on the shore of a reservoir or in the forest. Landscapes, sounds and smells of wild nature have a calming effect, restore peace of mind and fill the body with energy.

During depression, you can not make fateful decisions. Under the influence of emotions, you can make an irreparable mistake. Do not give in to momentary impulses. It is advisable to transfer to more late deadline all planned important events.

Breaking up a relationship is a chance to take time for yourself and reflect on your true desires and goals. Being in a relationship with a man, women often forget about their interests, dissolving in the needs of the second half. Unexpectedly appeared freedom makes it possible to realize old dreams and desires. You shouldn't miss her.

Loneliness helps to rethink your life and realize that you are parting by mutual consent.

This is life, and we cannot change its rules, sooner or later our companions will leave our lives.

This article consists of information collected from various sources - J. Teitelbaum, F. Vasilyuk, G. Whited. It examines the stages of separation from a psychological point of view. I believe that everyone should have this information, because parting is an inevitable part of our lives. Sometimes, after parting, people do not understand what is happening to them, and bring themselves and their loved ones a lot of grief and destruction. They may feel their situation is hopeless and insane, but in fact it is not.

Awareness and understanding of the reactions of our psyche can help in accepting ourselves and our feelings. This is important for coping with difficult situations. With this information, we can gain the ability to support ourselves and ask others for help when needed.

This article provides a description of examples of how the stages of separation usually go. These stages and states are almost identical both at the break of relations and at parting with the dead. The extreme states are described here for a better understanding of these processes. The stages of grief can be experienced more or less intensely and even change places. I hope that this information will be useful to you.

I often see people going through a breakup close in on themselves and feel like they have to deal with it on their own. Based on my experience, I can say that often such a position only aggravates the condition of a person and makes the process of parting even more painful and long. Why and why suffer so?

For a healthy transition through the phases of a breakup, it is very important to talk about your feelings and share this pain with someone else. It can be a relative, friend, psychologist, etc. In this state, it may seem that everyone is indifferent to your experiences, but this is not so. In fact, there is always at least one person who can listen to you and support you!

The process of mourning is often referred to in the literature as the work of grief. This is, in fact, a lot of inner work, a huge mental work to process tragic events. So, mourning is a natural process that is necessary in order to mourn and let go of a loss. Conventionally, “normal” mourning and “pathological” mourning are distinguished.

Stages of normal mourning

Normal mourning is characterized by the development of experiences in several stages with a complex of symptoms and reactions characteristic of each.

The picture of acute grief is similar in different people. The normal course of mourning is characterized by periodic bouts of physical distress, spasms in the throat, choking attacks with rapid breathing, a constant need to breathe, a feeling of emptiness in the abdomen, loss of muscle strength, and intense subjective suffering, described as tension or mental pain.

The stage of acute grief lasts for about 4 months, conditionally including 4 of the stages described below. The duration of each stage is rather difficult to describe, due to their possible reciprocity throughout the work of grief.

1. shock stage.

A tragic event causes horror, emotional stupor, detachment from everything that happens, or, conversely, an internal explosion. The world may seem unreal. Time in the perception of the grieving may accelerate or stop, space narrows.

A feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, deafness appears in the human mind. The perception of external reality is dulled, and then in the future there are often gaps in the memories of this period.

The following features are most pronounced: constant sighing, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite. There may be some changes in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance with others ( “how can they smile, talk, go shopping when there is such pain”).

Usually, a complex of shock reactions is interpreted as a defensive denial of the fact of what happened, protecting the grieving person from facing the loss in its entirety at once.

1. Stage of negation (search).

Characterized by disbelief in the reality of loss. The person convinces himself and others that “still will change for the better”, that “he/she will be back soon” etc.

What is characteristic here is not the denial of the very fact of the loss, but the denial of the fact of the permanence of the loss.

At this time, it can be difficult for a person to keep his attention in the outside world, reality is perceived as if through a transparent veil, through which the sensations of the presence of the departed break through all the time: a face in the crowd, similar to a departed person, when the doorbell rings, a thought may flash: it is he /she. Such visions are quite natural, but frightening, taken as signs of impending madness.

Consciousness does not allow the thought of loss, it eschews pain that threatens destruction, and does not want to believe that its own life must now also change. During this period, life resembles a bad dream, and the person is desperately trying to "wake up" to make sure that everything remains as before.

Denial is a natural defense mechanism that maintains the illusion that the world will change to follow our yes and no, or better still, stay the same. But gradually consciousness begins to accept the reality of loss and pain - as if the previously empty inner space begins to fill with emotions.

1. stage of aggression.

It is expressed in the form of indignation, aggressiveness and hostility towards others. Blaming oneself, relatives or friends, etc.

Being at this stage of dealing with the loss, a person may threaten the "guilty" or, conversely, engage in self-flagellation, feeling guilty for what happened.

The bereaved person tries to find evidence in the events leading up to the loss that he/she did not do all that. He/she blames himself for inattention and exaggerates the importance of his slightest missteps. Feelings of guilt can be aggravated by a situation of conflict before a breakup.

The picture of experiences is significantly supplemented by various reactions. Here are some of the possible experiences of this period:

• Sleep changes.
• Panic fear.
• Changes in appetite, accompanied by significant weight loss or gain.
• Periods of inexplicable crying.
• Fatigue and general weakness.
• Muscle tremor.
• Sudden mood swings.
• Inability to concentrate and/or remember.
• Changes in sexual desire/activity.
• Lack of motivation.
• Physical symptoms of suffering.
• Increased need to talk about the departed person.
• Strong desire to be alone.
• Or vice versa immersion in constant meetings.
• Workaholism as a defense mechanism that helps to escape feelings.
• Inability to work.
• Etc.

The range of emotions experienced at this time is also quite wide. A person is acutely experiencing loss and has poor self-control. However, no matter how unbearable feelings of guilt, feelings of injustice and the impossibility of further existence - all this natural process of experiencing loss. When anger finds its outlet and the intensity of emotions decreases, the next stage begins.

1. Stage of depression (suffering, disorganization).

This is a time of longing, loneliness, withdrawal into oneself and deep immersion in the truth of loss. It is at this stage that most of the work of grief falls, because a person has the opportunity through depression and pain to look for the meaning of what happened. There is an opportunity to stop, immerse yourself in yourself and rethink the value of your own life. Gradually let go of the relationship with the departed, forgiving him/her and yourself.

This is the period of greatest suffering, acute mental pain. There are many difficult, sometimes strange and frightening feelings and thoughts. These are feelings of emptiness and meaninglessness, despair, a feeling of abandonment, loneliness, anger, guilt, fear and anxiety, helplessness. Typical is an extraordinary preoccupation with the image of the departed and his/her idealization- emphasizing extraordinary virtues, avoidance of memories of bad traits and deeds.

Memory, as if on purpose, hides all the unpleasant moments of the relationship, reproducing only the most wonderful ones, idealizing the departed. This process intensifies the painful experience. Often people suddenly begin to think how happy they really were and how much they did not appreciate it.

Grief leaves its mark on relationships with others. Here there may be a loss of warmth, irritability, a desire to retire.

Daily activities change. It is difficult for a person to concentrate on what he is doing, it is difficult to complete the task, but it is difficult organized activity may become completely inaccessible for some time. Sometimes there is an unconscious identification with the departed, manifested in involuntary imitation of his gait, gestures, facial expressions.

In the phase of acute grief, the mourner discovers that thousands and thousands of little things are connected in his life with the person who left his / her life. “He/she bought this book”, “he/she liked this view from the window”, “we watched this movie together”. Each of these details takes the consciousness into "there-and-then", into the depths of the flow of the past, and one has to go through pain in order to return to the surface.

It's extremely important point in productive grief. Our perception of another person, especially a close one, with whom we were connected by many life ties, his / her image, is saturated with unfinished joint affairs, unfulfilled plans, unforgiven insults, unfulfilled promises. It is in working with these connecting threads that the meaning of the work of grief in restructuring the attitude towards the departed is laid.

Paradoxically, the pain is caused by the mourner himself. Phenomenologically, in a fit of acute grief, it is not a person who leaves us, but we ourselves leave him, break away from him or push him away from us. And this detachment, produced by one’s own hands, this own departure, this exile of a loved one: "Go away, I want to get rid of you..."- and watching how his image really moves away, transforms, and disappears, and causes, in fact, mental pain.

The pain of acute grief is the pain not only of decay, destruction and withering away, but also pain birth of a new. The former bifurcated being is united here by memory, the connection of times is restored, and the pain gradually disappears.

The previous stages were associated with resistance, and the emotions that accompanied them were mostly destructive.

1. Acceptance stage.

In literary sources (see J. Teitelbaum and F. Vasilyuk) this stage is divided into two:

1. The stage of residual shocks and reorganization.

At this phase, life gets back on track, sleep, appetite, and professional activity are restored, and the deceased ceases to be the main focus of life.

The experience of grief now proceeds in the form of at first frequent, and then increasingly rare individual shocks, such as occur after a major earthquake. Such residual bouts of grief can be as sharp as in the previous phase, and against the background of normal existence, subjectively perceived as even more acute. The reason for them more often is some dates, traditional events. « New Year for the first time without him/her”, “spring for the first time without him/her”, “birthday” or events of daily life. “Offended, there is no one to complain to”, “a letter came in his / her name.”

This stage usually lasts for a year. During this time, almost all ordinary life events occur and in the future they begin to repeat themselves. The anniversary of the separation is the last date in this series. Maybe that's why most cultures and religions set aside one year for any breakup.

During this period, the loss gradually disappears from life. A person has to solve many new tasks related to material and social changes, and these practical tasks are intertwined with the experience itself. During this period, people very often compare their actions with the moral standards of the deceased, with his / her expectations, with the fact that "What would he/she say l". But gradually more and more memories appear, freed from pain, guilt, resentment and abandonment.

1. "completion" stage.

The normal grief experience we are describing enters its final phase about a year later. The duration of the grief reaction is obviously determined by how successfully the person performs the work of grief, that is, comes out of a state of extreme dependence on the departed, re-adapts to the environment in which the lost face is no longer there, and forms new relationships.

The departure of a person who has evoked strong hostility, especially hostility that has no outlet, can cause a strong grief reaction in which the hostile impulses are most prominent. This happens, for example, after a relationship in which people could not, for one reason or another, openly express their grievances and claims to each other.

It is not uncommon if a person who played a key role in a certain social system leaves (in the family a man played the roles of a father, breadwinner, husband, friend, protector, etc.), then his departure leads to the disintegration of this system and to drastic changes in life and social position of its members. In these cases, adaptation is a very difficult task.

One of the biggest obstacles to the normal functioning of grief is the often unconscious desire of mourners to avoid the intense suffering associated with grief and to avoid expressing the emotions associated with it. In these cases, there is a "stuck" at any of the stages, and the emergence of painful reactions of grief.

Painful grief reactions

Painful grief reactions are distortions of the "normal" mourning process.

Reaction delay

If a bereavement catches a person while solving some very important problems, or if it is necessary for the moral support of others, he may almost or not at all reveal his grief for a week or even much longer. In extreme cases, this delay can last for years, as evidenced by cases where people who have recently suffered a bereavement are gripped by grief for people who died or passed away many years ago.

Distorted reactions

May appear as superficial manifestations of unresolved grief. The following types of such reactions are distinguished:

1. Increased activity without a sense of loss, but rather with a sense of well-being and a zest for life. The person acts as if nothing happened. It can manifest itself in a tendency to engage in activities close to what the deceased did at one time.
2. The appearance of the grieving symptoms of the last illness of the departed.
3. Psychosomatic conditions, which primarily include ulcerative colitis, rheumatoid arthritis and asthma.
4. Social isolation, pathological avoidance of communication with friends and relatives.
5. Violent hostility against certain individuals. With a sharp expression of their feelings, almost never takes any action against the accused.
6. hidden hostility. Feelings become, as it were, "hardened", and behavior is formal.

From the diary: “... I perform all my social functions, but it's like a game: it doesn't really affect me. I am unable to experience any warm feeling. If I had any feelings, it would be anger at everyone.”

1. Loss of forms of social activity. A person cannot decide on any activity. Lack of determination and initiative. Only ordinary everyday things are done, and they are performed in a pattern and literally step by step, each of which requires a lot of effort from a person and is devoid of any interest for him.
2. Social activity to the detriment of one's own economic and social position. Such people give away their property with inappropriate generosity, easily indulge in financial adventures and find themselves without family, friends, social status or money as a result. This extended self-punishment is not associated with a conscious sense of guilt.
3. Agitated depression with tension, agitation, insomnia, feelings of worthlessness, severe self-blame and a clear need for punishment. People in this condition may attempt suicide.

The above painful reactions are an extreme expression or distortion of the normal reactions.

Flowing into each other on the rise, these distorted reactions significantly delay and aggravate the mourning and the subsequent “recovery” of the mourner. With adequate and timely intervention, they can be corrected and can be transformed into normal reactions, and then find their resolution.

The Tasks of the Work of Grief

Passing through certain stages of experience, mourning performs a number of tasks (according to G. Whited):

1. Accept the reality of loss, not only with the mind, but also with the feelings.
2. Experience the pain of loss. Pain is only released through pain. It means that the unexperienced pain of loss will manifest itself sooner or later in any symptoms, in particular in psychosomatic ones.
3. Create a new identity, that is, find your place in a world that already has losses.
4. Transfer energy from loss to other aspects of life. During mourning, a person is absorbed by the departed. It seems to him that forgetting about him / her or stopping mourning is tantamount to betrayal. In fact, the opportunity to let go of one's grief gives a person a feeling of renewal, spiritual transformation, an experience of connection with one's own life.

A person must accept the pain of loss. He must reconsider his relationship with the departed and recognize the changes in his own emotional reactions.

His fear of going crazy, his fear of sudden changes in his feelings, especially the appearance of a sharply increased feeling of hostility, all this must be processed. He must find an acceptable form of his further attitude towards the departed. He must express his feelings of guilt and find people around him from whom he could take an example in his behavior.

Life after loss

The emotional experience of a person changes and enriches in the course of personality development as a result of experiencing crisis life periods, empathy with the mental states of other people.

A person comes to understand that with the departure of a loved one, his own life has not completely lost its meaning. It continues to have its value and remains just as significant and important despite the loss. A person can forgive himself, let go of resentment, take responsibility for his life, courage for its continuation - comes back to oneself.

Even the most difficult loss contains an opportunity. By accepting the existence of loss, suffering, grief in their lives, people become able to more fully experience themselves as an integral part of the universe, to live their own lives more fully.

The feelings that a person experiences when he is abandoned is difficult to describe in words, because they are so strong and diverse that it seems that you are completely dissolving, you are being torn apart, the earth is slipping from under your feet and some kind of frantic whirlwind of emotions is circling you - thoughts, feelings, memories... You feel like a small defenseless leaf, which mercilessly plucks a gust of icy wind and carries you into the unknown...

Each person lives the loss in his own way: someone “breaks loose” and hits “all the hard”, and someone closes and “withdraws into himself”.

But there is one common feeling experienced by everyone who finds himself in the place of the abandoned, rejected, lost. This is the feeling of Pain. Deep, heavy, soul-corroding pain. And everyone, sometimes in secret from himself, tries to drown out this pain. In my own way.

Psychologists who have studied this issue have come to the conclusion that the process of living through a difficult separation or loss goes through certain stages that naturally follow one after another. And regardless of whether a person knows about these stages or not, he still gradually passes them. The difficulty lies in the fact that when a person does not know what is happening to him, he can “slip”, get stuck at one of these stages. Sometimes for a long time. After all, it is natural that parting, all the more unexpected, takes a person out of the usual balance, unsettles the usual life, and he experiences severe stress, which makes it difficult to perceive what is happening objectively. When we experience strong feelings, it is really difficult for us to look at everything soberly. This is what complicates and slows down the process of getting out of such a difficult period - life after.

In different sources, these stages (or stages) may differ in names or numbers. But if we summarize different classifications, then we can distinguish five main steps through which a person goes through a feeling of pain after a break in relations with a significant loved one. Having become acquainted with these stages-steps, you can find your “breaking point” or getting stuck, see the “exit point” and move in its direction. After all, when we know the route, it is much easier for us to make our way.

Stage 1. Shock. "Can't be!.."

Everything starts from this stage. On that day, that minute or even the moment when a person learns about an unpleasant event, he experiences a shock, the depth of which depends on the degree of closeness of the lost relationship. As a rule, a person falls into a stupor and for some time plunges into a state where everything that happens around is perceived "as if in a fog." The body can react in different ways: sometimes with a "freeze", sometimes on the contrary with increased motor skills. But the mind always reacts with denial, refusal: “No!!! It can't be!!!"

You can see with your eyes the whole truth, the whole cruel reality of what is happening - here he / she collects things, nervously and hastily throws them into a suitcase, randomly moves around the apartment, goes out and slams the door behind him ... And you stand in a daze, watching this “movie” , and a hammer pounding mercilessly in my head: “No! No! No! No! Nooooo!!!" You can scream from this unbearable pain, rush in despair and try to stop him, but the door slams mercilessly, and the echo inside still sounds: “No ... no ... no ...” Your mind refuses to believe it.

So the psyche is protected from pain, from that deep mental pain that is extremely difficult to survive at the moment. Almost impossible. And then the “immersion” begins: stupor, numbness of consciousness, body, loss of interest and alienation from everything ...

A person can be in this inhibited state for quite a long time. There are many factors here - how close the relationship was, sharply or gradually it was approaching the “day of truth”, how deep the wound of betrayal or the meanness of the partner (if any), how strong was the degree of attachment and dependence on the other (emotional, social, material, etc. .), how mature and independent a person is at the time of the shock, etc.

Deliberate attempts by friends and family to get you out of this state do not bring any result, even if they are very sincere. Sometimes, on the contrary, they can cause an outburst of anger or aggression against the “helper” and lead to even greater alienation and immersion in the problem. This is normal, because others, as a rule, cannot feel the full extent of the importance and depth of your experiences, because they are different. And to the grieving, this may seem like a mockery or mockery. This will continue until the person himself matures and accepts the new truth at the level of consciousness: “Yes, now it is so. Now I'm left alone." It is not easy, which is why it takes time and additional internal forces which a person simply does not have at the time of loss.

On the part of relatives, adequate help may be a statement that they are nearby, that they are ready to help and support, “just let me know.” It makes no sense to ask the one who has lost “What do you want?” Because the pain in a person’s soul drowns out all other feelings and desires and he really doesn’t want anything. He needs to burn.

And when the “spiritual anesthesia” in the form of shock and denial subsides a little, the person himself begins, gradually, in portions, to let the “new reality” into his life. Begins to get used to living without him/her. This is how you move on to the next stage.

Stage 2. Anger. "Hate you!"

This stage also passes in its own way for everyone, but it is very important that it comes and the person allows himself to get angry. For some, here, figuratively speaking, the “effect of breaking the cork” can occur - a person begins to feel angry at everyone and everything - at a former partner for having betrayed; on himself, that he did not do everything, not enough, or vice versa, for humiliating himself in front of him / her. On a child who constantly reminds "of him"; to my mother, with her "I told you so." On neighbors, on the state, on the sun, on the wind, on the whole world ...

And the person seems to be looking for a reason to, at every opportunity, again “start a record” about his problem. This is normal, because he really has an inner need to "drain all the negativity." He really needs the opportunity to do this, and not to block inside himself. Because unreacted negative experiences, especially a feeling of anger, can be contained inside, and then migrate for a long time, from time to time breaking out in the form of outbursts of anger unexpected for oneself, most often addressed to innocent people. The worst option for the accumulation of anger inside oneself is psychosomatic disorders.

We must allow ourselves to be angry, but do it in a civilized manner, without drawing other people into our experiences, except for those who are sincerely ready to share and help live it. It would be much more honest to ask a friend to listen to your next monologue “and again a song about him”, because you need to speak out, than to pester her with your calls or conversations without voicing her role, and then be surprised and offended that she began to avoid communication.

How can you be civilized? You can focus your strength and energy on some important project and make a breakthrough in your career (by the way, many men, being on the “losing” side, do just that, which is quite reasonable), you can make repairs that you have long dreamed of, but was constantly delayed. An excellent way out of the accumulated anger and aggression will be sports and any physical labor. It is important to really realize: “Yes, I am angry and hateful, but others have nothing to do with it. Therefore, I will find a suitable way to release my aggression.” After all, anger by its nature is a powerful energy, using which you can make a good leap forward.

You can write down your seething feelings on paper - the paper will endure, and you will be incredibly relieved. There is a wonderful technique for this, which I have already written about. Various types of creativity are also suitable, where there is an opportunity to throw out your feelings - drawing, dance therapy (spontaneous dance or movement), modeling, film therapy, fairy tale therapy, etc.

In general, at this stage, any psychological or psychotherapeutic help, which many people very needlessly ignore and underestimate, will be a very good help. At this stage, it is important for a person not only to “get it”, throw out his negative experiences, but the most important thing is to be accepted by others in his complex feelings. And this is sometimes beyond the power of even the best and closest friend, because she is not able to perceive objectively, to maintain an uninvolved position. At this stage, a person really needs external support, so he should be able to pronounce or write out all those angry thoughts that will pop up in his mind from time to time.

Stage 3. Doubts. "But what if?.."

As soon as the steam is a little lowered and the taste of life gradually begins to return to a person, a period of doubt begins. “Bargaining” begins with one’s still wounded and weakened “I”: maybe he / she will still return? .. or maybe not everything is lost yet? .. probably I was / was wrong? behave differently?.. or maybe he did not want to leave at all?.. what if he is waiting for a signal from me?.. Well, he was not so bad / greedy / callous / lazy ... And so on and so on.

Various doubts and soul-searching, all sorts of “what if?.. maybe?..” are the last straw, the last thread between the past and the present. Between the knowledge of how it has already been and the uncertainty "how to live now and how it will be in the future." And while a person grabs at it and tries to hold on, it will seem to him that if he can take control of the situation, then perhaps it can still be corrected. In fact, control can never guarantee results, because control is just an illusion of security, the illusion that everything depends on me, which means that it will be as I want, I just have to try.

The longer a person hides behind this illusion, the slower he moves towards liberation from the shackles of his pain. At this stage, it is important to realize that not everything in the world depends on me, that where two people quarrel and part, responsibility is always divided equally, i.e., in half!

At this stage, reunification attempts often occur. Most often, the drive is sexual desire (body memory). Sometimes the cause of rapprochement can be children or a common territory. Partners can really converge for some time, and it may even seem that all the quarrels and misunderstandings that were before no longer have any strength and meaning. But, as a rule, the sexual fuse passes quickly, and old claims and nit-picking come to the surface, now they sound with even greater force and the relationship quickly turns into a mutual attack, because the pain from the previously caused injury still remains and the unhealed wound begins to “bleed” even stronger. As a result, this experiment fails, causing even more disappointment and resentment in the soul, to which a sense of shame and self-abasement is now added. Realizing that everything was in vain and meaningless, a person begins to "go to the bottom" ...

Stage 4. Depression. "I do not want anything…"

After attempts to get closer to a partner did not give a positive result, a period of “darkness” begins, a person experiences a depressed state, colors fade, interest in everything finally dissipates. This is a period of complete devastation, disappointment in oneself, in other people, trust in the opposite sex disappears, self-esteem drops sharply, a person begins to “run” in an invisible vicious circle from deep feelings of guilt and resentment to incredible self-pity. Here he is overtaken by the eternal dead-end question “Well, why ?!.”

If a person during this period has to perform some social roles, then the level of his energy and productivity is catastrophically reduced. In order to somehow function, many put their lives on pause. There comes a period of dullness and "want nothing." Day after day drags on, appetite may disappear, or vice versa, a nervous “jamming” of inner emptiness may appear. Emotional sensitivity and reactivity increase, spontaneous reactions can occur in the form of tears, breakdowns, tantrums. A person begins to avoid contact and communication with friends and relatives who do not understand what is happening to him - “well, enough already, well, pull yourself together!”. They do not understand, and therefore he again strives into his “hole”, in order to “enjoy” his suffering again and again.

Tired of the endless feeling of dull aching pain inside, a person “decides” not to feel anything, just to live somehow, like everyone else. Sometimes it may even seem that he succeeds. But treacherous memories “about him, about us”, about how good it was, and sometimes how bad it was, no, no, and they will come. And then a new portion of pain burns from the inside and bursts out with tears, a scream, a scream or a silent biting of the lips ... In psychotherapy, this phenomenon is called a “flash-back” (flash from the past), and the pain experienced at such moments eloquently signals that there are still unexperienced and unreleased feelings that yearn for freedom.

Some withdraw into work, terrorizing all colleagues or subordinates with their frenzied workaholism. Or they begin to obsessively take care of children (even if they are already adults and independent), forget about themselves, ignore their needs and practically “put an end to” their personal lives. Why? Because it's scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment and pain. And some find more primitive ways of "feeding" and filling the emotional abyss - they go into weakness, addiction, begin to lead a disorderly and aimless lifestyle, change new partners "like gloves." Why? Because it’s scary to be alone with your true feelings, with your resentment, pain and truth ...

No matter how difficult this period may seem, in fact it is very necessary, it is important to go through it. Because it is this stage that is the lowest critical point of this entire process - experiencing a feeling of pain after a break in relations with a loved one. It is extremely important to make a “total immersion” in the world of your feelings in order to finally “touch the bottom” and push off. Push off, then rise again. Remember how children who are learning to walk - they persistently get up after every fall, no matter what, this is an instinct. So it is with an adult, you need to “fall”, living all your pain to the end, to the fullest, crying out, if necessary, to the last tear. Only when a full exhalation is made, you can take a new breath. But many, unfortunately, "freeze" at this stage for a long time, sometimes for years, sometimes for life. Not the best option when people enter a new relationship, not completely freed from the pain of the previous ones. Both suffer in these relationships - and the one who, running away from the pain of the past, has found a "shelter", and the one who has become a "rescuer".

If a person is not afraid to go through the whole process of “immersion” in the ocean of his emotions and experiences, then it is then that he has the opportunity to push off from the bottom, finally rise to the surface, see the shore and swim to it, find ground under his feet. The most important goal of this period, the stage of depression, is to allow yourself to feel, accept your pain and want to live, understand and admit: “Yes, I am now alone / alone, I feel damn bad, but I want to live on!” Not for the sake of the children, not for the sake of the parents, not for the sake of anyone else, but for the sake of himself. For the first time in a long time, the words “Yes, I’m alone now” sound consciously and no longer make me cringe inwardly in pain. This is the beginning of a new and final stage.

Stage 5. Humility. "Thank you for everything..."

Together with the last drop of self-pity, fear of loneliness and uncertainty about the future, released outside, peace finally begins to come into the soul. Not indifference and detachment, namely calmness, quiet acceptance. Yes, this is my life now. Now everything is different. It's not good, it's not bad, it's just the way it is. When the soul is freed from internal heaviness and pain, from anger and indignation, from hatred and a sense of terrible injustice, it regains the ability to feel, believe, love ...

There is no more condemnation, no anger, you no longer “shrink insides” at the memory of a former partner. You no longer get out of breath if you accidentally run into him on the street, in a crowd, or in the company of mutual acquaintances. Now you have the strength and desire to forgive him. Forgive and let go. Allow yourself to live without it. Only now will your forgiveness be sincere and come from the very depths of your heart. Only now the soul is able to realize and accept all the valuable experience that it received in these relationships. Lesson completed. And you do not need to "squeeze" forgiveness out of yourself, it just is.

A sign of sincere forgiveness from a former partner is a feeling of deep gratitude for the good that was in your life thanks to this person. Not a lie to yourself and a moral favor to him, but a sincere, warm, “Thank you” coming from the very soul. And if a person is able to easily, without fumbling in the catalog of his memory, extract and voice his gratitude to the former, no matter for what, the main thing is sincerely, now his forward movement will not be bound by the fetters of the past. Now it will be easy and free for him. Now he has a place in his soul for new joys, new relationships, new love.

The edge of the transition to a state of gratitude is very thin, barely perceptible, but it is there. It can be seen only if you acknowledge all your feelings, recognize that you can be angry and offended, and at the same time you can rejoice and experience pleasure. Trust in yourself, all your feelings and the most important thing in your life - this is the main condition for moving beyond this line. When you trust your life, it takes you into its caring arms and carries you like a beloved child. And everything starts to change for you. For the better. And love blossoms in your heart again. Sincere, pure love. Love for life because it is beautiful; to yourself, for what you are; to friends, for being there; to my mother, for the fact that she still accepts and loves. To the sun, sky, wind. Love for the former, for the fact that he was in your life. Love, gratitude and humility.

It is humility that becomes the healing medicine for the heart, in which peace is now coming. Your once wounded soul heals, becomes wiser and richer inwardly. Now you know how to be grateful for your past, appreciate the present and begin to look to the future with faith. Now love lives in your soul.

P.S. You can wallow in the past endlessly, wandering between anger, guilt, doubt, despair and anger again. You can long and hard take revenge on the former and prove to yourself that you are worth something, he was wrong. Or you can just look at everything and say to yourself: Yes, the breakup is damn unpleasant and painful, this is the end of one path. At the same time, this is the beginning of a new path. Let me go further!

Walk your path with interest! Trust yourself and your life, it has definitely prepared something wonderful for you!

With love,
Nadezhda Tatarenkova
Family psychologist, coach, art therapist,
symbol drama psychotherapist

Life is undoubtedly a beautiful and amazing thing and an excellent school for educating and changing yourself. But no matter what the adherents of positive thinking say, the lessons in this school are sometimes very difficult. It is difficult to find a woman who has not come into contact with losses and pain along her life path. One of the most powerful experiences is parting with a loved one. Whatever the situation, we all, each with its own speed and nuances, go through certain stages, experiencing a gap.

Stage one: "no"

The final point has been set: this man is no longer in your life. We are experiencing a state of tremendous stress, and the brain cannot yet digest the information received. Man is essentially a very conservative being - especially for women who strive for stability more than men. And even if the relationship has long cracked, many until the last moment do not realize that the end may one day come. Joint goals and plans, hopes, dreams, memories - all this is very expensive and cannot disappear from our consciousness all at once. We find ourselves in a stupor and full of thoughts like “no, this cannot be, this is some kind of mistake, this cannot happen to me.” In terms of the strength of the effect, what we feel at this moment is similar to a sudden and very sharp turn on the highway or a blow to the head. And then comes the most interesting: comes the realization of what is happening with all the consequences.

To support yourself during this stage, feel free to ask for help and share your feelings. During the period of denial, I really want to find a lot of evidence that what happened is just a mistake, a “failure in the matrix”. Sometimes these attempts turn into such huge castles in the air that the loss of these new illusions becomes a source of new pain. It is important to speak out, to share with people who understand you. And it is much easier, along with this support, not to drown in illusions and start accepting what happened in reality.

Stage two: anger

What do we do when faced with something that brings pain? First of all, we try to get rid of this source of pain. And at the moment when the prospects for a bright joint old age suddenly suddenly cease to exist, this pain is oh so multifaceted and strong. All grievances are remembered, they are joined by unlived stories from the distant past and disappointments from the near in these relations. At this stage, emotions are overflowing, and we are literally shaken from side to side. The range of thoughts and experiences that arise is simply incredible. Then tears and anger about the fact that the world is so unfair and took away something very expensive. That is hatred for a still loved one. That fear and again anger due to the fact that it does not seem at all possible life"without him". All these experiences are accompanied by a significant release of energy. On this wave, I really want to change something as soon as possible, convey, prove or punish with equivalent pain. The situation is getting worse huge amount fears and anxieties, which sometimes makes it difficult to choose the best options for action. During this period, we tend to do many things in the heat of the moment and further aggravate our own situation.

At this time, it is important not to lock your emotions inside yourself, as well as not to give pain and fear to deprive yourself of the remnants of reason. Use all possible, but safe ways to let them out of yourself. To help here, and all sorts of psychological techniques, which are a dime a dozen in the public domain. Fortunately, emotional outbursts, even at this acute stage, still go through their peaks and troughs. This means that they can be tracked down like tides of waves and have time to “catch”, that is, to be able to live through this pain a little easier. If a moment of crisis comes, then it makes sense to bring your feelings into some kind of action: scream, beat a pillow, play samurai who smashes his enemy, etc. It helps many to set internal alarm clocks for themselves. Feeling the approach of another “wave”, you decide to completely surrender to your grief, anger and pain, but only, for example, for half an hour. It is very important to understand that the feelings experienced are a normal human reaction to what is happening. And it is important to find a way to live them without harming yourself and those around you.

Stage three: attempts to "fix"

After the sharp emotions have subsided a little, we make some kind of internal decision about what we will do next. Most often, this is an express analysis of everything that happened in a relationship, and no less urgent attempts to correct mistakes. A completely insignificant "flaw" is declared the true cause of the gap. And immediately attempts begin to return everything to its place, correcting the "cause". So someone starts attacking the former half with tearful talk and messages that they will do whatever they want to please them. Someone suggests getting by with a temporary break in the relationship and looking for a compromise in order to become a couple again. Someone chooses the winding road of "friendship with the former" in the hope of one day cunningly and unobtrusively conveying to him that happiness is possible with only one woman. Simply put, we trade. We bargain with ourselves, with God, with a man. We are looking for options to ease our pain, to make the resulting hole inside a little smaller in size and a little less sore. We want hope and do not want to accept the fact that the past cannot be returned. Although deep down we still understand that we will have to accept the fact of the breakup, let go of the past and somehow build our life anew. It also happens that the gap turned out to be a mistake, and people converge again. But this is also a new relationship.

With some part of our gut, we have already accepted what happened. But there are connections, attachments and memories that again and again return to trying to find a way to glue the broken vessel together. After all, let it be broken, but it is already its own, native, familiar. At this stage, it is important to prioritize. And in this system of priorities, no matter how difficult it is, you and your life come first. The search for mistakes and "flaws" from this perspective no longer turns into a desperate attempt to collect the pieces of the past, but becomes an opportunity to further build your life with some new understanding. Look for something that helps you cope with obsessive thoughts, start filling your life with things that give you at least a modicum of joy. Of course, we are not talking about alcohol and other pseudo-stimulants - such experiments do not end very well. If you want to start another conversation, find another “way out”, then you can, for example, agree with yourself and, like Scarlett O’Hara, “think about it tomorrow” or at least postpone a new attempt to write SMS for a while.

Stage four: "vegetable"

In scientific language, this period is called the time of depression and apathy. We spent a lot of energy to understand the situation, fight it, try to change it. Most likely, nothing worked - and here comes the void. Emptiness inside, emptiness in desires and aspirations. I do not want anything, and life seems meaningless. However, everything seems pointless. Someone sits all day with ice cream in their hands in front of the TV. Someone can just lie down all day long. Someone half asleep and on the machine continues to do work and household chores. The pain from what happened can become literally a physical sensation for a while. Memories, shattered hopes, it all keeps coming up, bringing tears and other emotions. But the period of depression is characterized by the fact that there is simply no strength for great achievements and attacks of aggression and resentment. At this stage, it will not be superfluous to turn to a psychologist in order to be able to live it with the least losses.

Stage five: "acceptance"

In general, life goes on. And while you are alive, you can change a lot. Under this cheerful slogan, you will have to collect the remnants of your will and, like Baron Munchausen, begin the process of pulling yourself out of the swamp. Any methods will do: creativity, friends, walks, animals, yoga and breathing techniques. Through “I don’t want” and “I can’t” - gradually fill my days with what gives joy and energy, move every day at least one step forward in life.

And then one day, when, perhaps, we have already stopped waiting, we suddenly wake up in the last stage - acceptance. The birds sing somehow more pleasantly outside the window, the sun shines a little brighter and somehow it suddenly becomes easy on the soul. There comes a deep understanding that life goes on. Past memories no longer bring the same pain, inside, perhaps, gratitude is even born to the world for the experience and shake-up provided - because it brought new wisdom and strength. And something new always comes to replace the old, as the experience of many shows - this new is usually at least not much, but better than that that's gone.