If the child is not sociable what to do. An uncommunicative child: what should parents do

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When Marina comes to pick up four-year-old Varya from kindergarten, she gets upset every time. All the children run around the playground, vigorously discussing and laughing, and her girl sits in the sandbox or in the corner of the room all alone. She looks quite pleased, always busy with some business - playing, drawing, adding pictures, sometimes talking to herself at the same time. But he does not even look in the direction of other children. "Why don't you play with the guys?" - Marina asks on the way home, and Varya replies: "I just don't want to." Marina remembers herself in childhood and is surprised. She adored friends and could not imagine playing, if not in the company, then at least with a couple of best girlfriends.

It is precisely such parents who most often complain about the fact that their child is those who grew up in the thick of things and friends. It seems to them that the baby is suffering from loneliness, so they try to help him by taking him to all kinds of holidays and circles, giving him to kindergartens and sending him to summer camps. “Communicate, make friends, talk,” insists mom (and even more often dad), “you need it.” Is it necessary? In order to answer this question, it is necessary, first of all, to understand the reason for the child's lack of sociability.

It's not time yet

The first and most important thing to think about is: is the child really suffering? Does he complain about not being able to play with his peers or does he have enough family members? Does he come home from kindergarten or school upset and depressed? And how does he play?

The researchers noticed that the type of play gradually changes as the child grows up - first individual (the child plays with himself), then parallel (children play the same game, but side by side), joint (during the game, observation and communication with each other occurs ) and, finally, cooperative (children distribute roles, coordinate behavior, develop common goals). Normally, by the age of four or five, a child reaches the level of a cooperative game and participates in it with pleasure. If a child "gets stuck" at some stage and refuses to participate in common games, it is possible that he is simply delayed in development. (And if, already knowing how to do this, he suddenly switches back to an individual or parallel game, he may be under stress).

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So, one of the reasons for the lack of communication may be a delay social development when the child simply does not yet feel the need to make contact with peers. At home, in a circle of people who are well known and significant to him, such children are most often quite sociable and sociable, and they are not at all upset by the lack of friends among children.

Family situation

Another reason may lie within the family itself. Perhaps the parents live in isolation and do not like guests, communicate little with each other and prefer to sit silently in front of a computer or TV. In this case, the child will simply have nowhere to take a role model, and he will also sit with toys or cartoons. An overbearing, overly strict mother is another possible reason, especially if strictness and coldness alternate with outbursts of adoration. The child, not understanding what to expect in the next moment from the loved one, intuitively tries to have less contact with the outside world, not to show his interest in other people.

congenital shyness

I have had a nephew like this since childhood. “Kisses, hugs” did not like, did not reach for children. Now 22 years old, still the same. No, he has friends, and he walks in companies. But he also feels great alone and often does not need society. By the way, he is a very smart guy, his memory is amazing and he does everything on the fly, but he is not ambitious and a little lazy.

If the child clearly wants to communicate, but can not decide to go first, perhaps he is too shy and timid. No need to rush to blame him and try to persuade him to "stop being afraid like a little one." After all, with a high probability, these qualities are inherited by him from one of his parents.

Geneticists, who received, along with the deciphered genome, almost universal keys to the secrets of human behavior, for some reason were especially interested in shyness. Thanks to several studies at once from Harvard University and the University of Wisconsin, it was found that shyness and timidity are caused. Insufficient activity of certain genes in the cells of the amygdala - and this is the center of fear in our brain, leads to the fact that a person is too afraid of new circumstances and impressions.

Professor Jerome Kagan, who observed 500 children for 17 years, found characteristic signs of shyness even in children in the womb - a significant increase in heart rate in response to external stimuli, etc. And Stephen Suomi of the National Institute of Child Health studied the behavior of rhesus monkeys and proved that some of them also have a genetic predisposition to shyness. But since most people with such innate tendencies overcome them with age and become quite socially successful, it can be difficult to trace heredity. Ask your parents what you were like as a child - and perhaps your child's behavior will become much clearer to you.

The child is an introvert

It is strange that we quite willingly give adults the opportunity to be introverts, treating them good-naturedly and with understanding, while approaching children with a stricter measure. A child whose inner life is more active than the outer one, who rests alone and gets tired in the company, can be completely happy and successful if they understand him and do not try to forcibly "bring people out." History knows many examples of this. Introverts are often gifted children who are too immersed in their area of ​​​​interest and who do not want to spend time and energy talking about other topics. At the same time, you must be sure that lack of communication is not associated with illness, stress, depression or fears. How to understand it? A healthy introvert child knows how and loves to communicate if the subject of conversation and the interlocutor are interesting to him, if he is not pressured and his personal space is not reduced. Yes, for conversations with such a child, you will have to choose the right moment, and be very attentive to the words, but at the same time the communication will be full and calm, and at times amazingly interesting.

How to help an uncommunicative child

Of course, the child, first of all, must be accepted as he is. If you played tricks with a gang of neighbors' children all day long as a child, leave this fact in your life and just remember it with pleasure. A son or daughter is living their own life in which they will have many other ways to enjoy themselves. In addition, it is very important here to share your own resentment from the fact that the child is “not like me” and educational impulses.

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My elder was respectable, he met people with caution, and even now he is stingy with emotions. The younger one is charming and the soul of the company. The elder was always stimulated to communicate, and the younger was restrained from excessive impulsiveness. I don't see any problem. Both are doing well with friends and in life.

But still we have to admit that at least minimal communication skills are necessary for everyone who plans to study, work, start a family. Therefore, even the most unsociable child can be carefully and gradually. According to British studies, which are described above, among people with a genetic predisposition to shyness, about 80%, with proper training, become socially quite successful and achieve even greater success. But for this you need to act gradually, step by step.

1. Communicate yourself. Getting real pleasure from talking with friends and family, from sharing experiences and exchanging opinions, you demonstrate to the child all the advantages of communication and show ways to achieve this. Encouraging the child to talk, at first you can say important things for him. For example, on the playground, instead of demanding “Go meet the boy!”, Start these acquaintances yourself: “Hello, we walk here every day, and you? What is your name?" Don't worry that your child is silent - one day, when he feels confident, he will definitely speak.

2. Talk to your child correctly– attentively and without pressure. Encourage him to talk about his feelings and desires. With toddlers, you can develop communication skills through games and toys. For example, a bear came to a store (hospital, kindergarten) and enters into a conversation with dolls and a bunny. Older children need to learn to conduct a dialogue, "read" non-verbal cues the interlocutor about when he wants to listen and when to talk. The child will be able to understand this in conversations with you, but only if you encourage his participation and. Good advice Watching a talk show on TV together with the sound off and trying to guess what the conversation is about.

3. Don't criticize his friends. This is very, very important. Psychologists believe that just one friend is enough for a child to feel confident and satisfy his need for communication. Finding such a person is not easy for an unsociable child, so you risk depriving him of an important achievement. Perhaps it seems to you that this communication is “poor quality” - they giggle stupidly together, silently play computer games, roam the streets. But couples in love also sometimes look strange from the outside, don't they? The chemistry that occurs between people is sometimes not expressed in words and it is difficult to see it from the outside.

4. Help your child navigate social media. Yes, it seems to you that this is a catch, because children instantly “fall through” into virtual communication. But for many withdrawn and shy children, writing a message on the screen is much easier than saying it out loud, and social networks allow you to communicate with those who are physically far away, but close in interests and temperament. (By the way, if a silent child actively chats and shares information online, it will mean that in fact he needs communication). Of course, here, as elsewhere, it is necessary to strike a balance - for example, agree that virtual conversations are possible only with those whom you know personally and limit the time spent at the computer to a couple of hours a day.

But don't make the mistake of telling everyone around you how bad your child is and don't constantly try to put him in a company he doesn't want to be in. Failure, fear, and too much tension can prompt him to close himself off even more from the world. It is much more effective to encourage even small successes, to invite into an adult conversation not even topics that seem too serious to you, and in every possible way to emphasize the importance of the words spoken by the child.

If a child deliberately avoids the company of his peers or he has no friends in kindergarten or school, you should not panic, but at the same time, you should not ignore the current situation.

Reluctance to interact with peers may be due to external causes

In some cases, "non-standard" behavior may be a manifestation of the personality of the baby, which is quite natural for introverts. In other cases, the isolation and inability / unwillingness of the child to communicate is associated with external causes that must be identified and eliminated. The task of parents is to find out what is a deterrent for a particular child.

Introvert: special perception of friendship

According to the type of temperament, all people are divided into sanguine, phlegmatic, choleric and melancholic. But there is another division - depending on how a person replenishes his spiritual energy.

Some people, who are called extroverts, need an external source for energy supply - communication with other people. But an introvert draws strength from himself. Introverted children do not like fuss and noisy companies, they prefer silence and loneliness. There are much fewer introverts than extroverts - according to experts, no more than 30%, so their behavior is considered "non-standard". Take a look at your child. If a child eschews big companies and often "withdraws" into himself, is not disposed to communication, is vulnerable and touchy, prefers quiet fuss with his toys instead of active games with other children, most likely an introvert is growing in your family.

Psychologists strongly advise not to try to "stir up" such a child. Do not impose unnecessary communication on him, do not drag him to the playground with other children by force - such treatment can make the baby withdraw into himself.

At the same time, parents need to try to figure out whether the baby's behavior is exclusively introversion, or whether there is additional shyness. What is the difference?

introversion	introversion + shyness
One introverted child may have a sufficient level of self-esteem and do without additional contacts. Such children are self-confident, they are not looking for new acquaintances, but they are not afraid of communication, they just feel comfortable being alone. When they meet a worthy (in their opinion) object for friendship, they will certainly find a way to get to know each other.	Other introverted babies may be prone to increased shyness. They are not only afraid of communication, but also get lost in various situations. Note: if introversion is an inborn predisposition that cannot be changed, then shyness can be overcome.

Shyness: why you need to get rid of it

Unsociable, because he is shy - this is often considered by adults whose children do not make contact with either their peers or adults. Why is excessive shyness a disadvantage that should be overcome?

All people feel shy from time to time - this is a “universal” property inherent in everyone. But if in some it manifests itself in exceptional cases (at a doctor's appointment, when meeting a person with whom we sympathize), then others suffer from it constantly. For example: a child is embarrassed to approach his peers during a street walk or is afraid to raise his hand in class, although he knows the answer. Your task is to help him overcome the discomfort of communication, because pathological shyness promises many problems in the future:

• the baby will suffer from peer criticism - too shy children are often teased and ignored;
• due to constant doubts, worries and negative emotions, a shy child develops anxiety, neurosis, depression, etc.;
• it is difficult for a shy baby to reveal his potential in childhood and it is problematic to achieve professional and career success (difficulties begin in kindergarten);
• in the future, difficulties may arise when creating a family (shy people often remain single or enter into an unsuccessful marriage), etc.

The child does not know how to communicate with peers: reasons

You are sure that the child is not an introvert at all, he is not at all opposed to establishing communications with other people, but he does not succeed. Help him.

It is best to start developing socialization skills with a sandbox. If some kids boldly enter into a conversation and play collective games, then others are quite painful about any attempts to communicate. If such a reaction is observed constantly, the child requires increased attention.

• Experts are sure that uncontrollable embarrassment and shyness in children can be noticed from the age of two. At this age, the baby avoids people in any way (hides behind his parents) and a friendly company.

Such children are characterized by increased excitability, they rarely laugh (especially in the presence of strangers) and are often offended for no reason. At the same time, psychologists assure that up to about 10 years old adults can influence the development of the personality of a little man, the main thing is to find the source of the problem and act purposefully. If you catch yourself already in adolescence, to instill communication skills will be very difficult.

What can cause shyness and social development problems?

1. Excessive shyness and, as a result, lack of communication, develop as a defensive reaction, for example, if a child has congenital physical defects, because of which he feels inferior.

Parental behavior matters a lot. In a family with an authoritarian upbringing, children fear anger for any act. They do not know what to expect from strangers, so they prefer to minimize external contacts, and as they grow older, they keep this habit.

2. Restriction of the child's social circle by the parents. Some adults themselves, consciously or forcedly, from early childhood limit the circle of acquaintances of their child, and children, growing up next to one mother, grandmother or nanny, do not acquire the skills to communicate with other people.

3. We must not forget about the problems of a neurological nature. If a child constantly has a headache, increased / constant fatigue, problems with sleep, then he simply does not want to communicate with more active and healthy children. In such cases, consultation with a neurologist is required.

4. Behavioral problems. If some children are completely sincere and uncontrollably shy in front of other people, then there are those who are capricious, demonstrating their stubbornness. Moreover, temporary stubbornness can eventually develop into a permanent habit and behavior pattern. The problem with socialization also arises in self-centered children who want everyone to obey their will. In turn, egocentrism usually develops as a result of excessive care from loved ones.

5. Difficulties with communication skills occur in children who have problems with mental development. Violations of memory and attention interfere with socio-psychological adaptation in the same way as various complications of mental development.

1. 7. Delayed social development. The child, as he grows up, must go through several stages - from independent play to team interaction with peers, involving the distribution of roles. Children usually reach the last stage at 4-6 years of age. If, even at this age, the baby has not learned to play with his peers, perhaps he was delayed at some stage. The reasons why the baby "does not grow up" may be:

   • prolonged illness (when the child is in the hospital for a long time);
   • worries about the birth of other children in the family (the baby suffers from insufficient attention);
   • over-busy (this happens when parents want to raise a child prodigy: due to the fact that children have a lot of work, they do not have enough time for traditional children's games that allow them to learn communication skills).

What to do if the child is not sociable?

As you can see, there are many reasons why a child does not have the necessary social skills.

Help your child overcome shyness and become more sociable!

With some, parents can try to cope on their own, with others, professional help should be sought (in particular, if the problem is associated with mental trauma or neurological diseases). Anyway:

• You do not need to remind the baby of his problem so that he does not develop an inferiority complex.
• Assess the situation in the family and make sure that all conditions for a normal life are created for the baby.
• Encourage your child to express their opinion. Teach him to take part in household chores, show that his opinion is important.
• Gently help a shy toddler overcome shyness and make friends. Invite other children to your home and do not leave the children themselves - try to play with three or five of us. Teach your kids how to make friends.
• Look closely to see if your child has anything that makes him stand out from his peers (a shy kid doesn't need a lot of attention). Maybe wrong speech or clothes? Eliminate the reason for rejection.
• When mastering and correcting communication skills, experts advise paying attention to special games and trainings that are developed by experienced psychologists.

In some cases, in addition to psychological methods, children may be recommended to take drugs that help improve cognitive abilities and cope with increased anxiety and excitability. For young children (from 3 years old), for this purpose, the doctor may prescribe Tenoten for Children.

Often parents begin to sound the alarm about the isolation of their children. And they turn to a psychologist for advice. And, I must say, they are doing it right, since this problem cannot be solved impudently, all the more it is impossible to ask about the isolation of the child himself.

Such an approach can only worsen everything, because isolation can be replaced by even greater isolation. The psychologist will try to help find the causes of isolation, and then, together with parents and loved ones, will be able to work out the right tactics of action so that this problem is gradually reduced to nothing.

Symptoms of a closed child

At first, it is worthwhile to clearly understand that isolation is a protective mechanism, it is in it that the child finds salvation and is recharged with energy. The outside world in some of its manifestations can be painful, so the child tries to separate from it. Many children can withdraw into themselves in various situations, but the presence of certain symptoms should alert parents and encourage action. What are these symptoms?

• The child talks very little, may say nothing at all, or speaks in a whisper.
• It is very difficult to enter any new team, it keeps apart from everyone.
• The child avoids expressing his opinion.
• Fear of doing something new.
• The child either has few friends or none at all.
• The child does not support the conversation, very often ends it with the standard phrase "I don't know."
• The child is overly cautious in words and deeds, there are no spontaneous manifestations, although there is an inner desire.
• An unusual hobby or desire to have an exotic animal: a snake, a frog, a chameleon, various insects.

In addition to the symptoms in the behavior of closed children, psychosomatic manifestations are manifested:

• Closed people have shallow breathing.
• Closeness is often accompanied by pain in the abdomen.
• Gesticulation in closed children is absent. Very often, these children keep their hands in their pockets or behind their backs. Hands can be tightly pressed to the body or hang limply like whips.

Do not confuse the child's isolation with introversion. To distinguish one from the other will require the help of a psychologist who, through simple tests and observations, can do this. For introverts, a certain isolation is characteristic and there is nothing wrong with that. Such a feature of temperament.

An introverted child may even make a good impression, seem well-mannered and reserved. At school, he can show good results in his studies, and teachers can set them as an example for other students. Moreover, the isolation of boys and girls is perceived by society differently, in view of the prevailing stereotypes.

Boys are always expected to be more active than girls, so withdrawal is more easily detected. And the isolation of girls is often perceived as a virtue: modesty, good breeding. And late diagnosed girlish isolation can eventually lead to more problems than boys in the future.

Reasons for isolation

Any isolation of the child is a consequence of any reasons that led to such a state. What are the most typical reasons for this?

First of all, isolation can arise as a result of resentment for something or grief from the actions or inaction of adults and peers. For example, the child tried to express his sincere feelings, and in response received ridicule from surrounding peers or the absence of any reaction from parents or teachers. Too severe and sometimes cruel punishment for misconduct also often leads to hidden grievances.

In families where excessive attention is paid to the "correct" behavior of the child, very often high demands are placed on him. This is expressed in the fact that at school he should have only excellent grades in all subjects, regardless of inclinations towards certain sciences.

In sports, only resounding victories are expected from a child, and in everyday life they are loaded with a mass of difficult duties. Naturally, such parents immediately shift any failure that inevitably comes from time to time onto the shoulders of their children, and this only contributes to isolation.

In the life of any person - both an adult and a child - there are difficult situations that need to be addressed. And instead of teaching a child to divide a complex problem into a number of simple ones, adults send him to look for a solution himself. Very often, children cannot cope with this on their own, which gives rise to a feeling of inferiority, leading to isolation.

A serious illness of a child or frequent illness, illness of loved ones and anxiety for them can also become reasons for isolation. The loss of pets, your favorites, in childhood is perceived especially hard. If misunderstanding and indifference of adults is added to this, then very often this leads to isolation.

Any member of the family, including the child, should participate in family affairs. If they do not ask the opinion of the child or do not trust him, then he may feel unnecessary and superfluous. Children tend to shift this onto themselves, so they show inferiority by excessive isolation.

Most often, it is difficult for parents of a closed child to figure out the reasons on their own, so the help of a professional psychologist will be very helpful.

What can lead to the isolation of the child in the future?

The more the child's isolation is preserved, the more it strengthens and progresses, and in adult life, having already settled specifically, it will create a lot of problems and even greatly influence fate. What can be the consequences of unresolved problems in childhood?

• Unresolved childhood isolation leads to the fact that an extremely indecisive adult will grow out of a child, incapable of taking decisive steps.
• The ridicule of others will not only continue, but will be aggravated. This can develop into a persistent inferiority complex.
• Children's isolation easily develops into problems when communicating with the opposite sex. Quite often, closed and indecisive people cannot talk about their feelings, which can lead to loneliness.
• Satisfaction of social, material, sexual, personal and psychological problems It's a big problem for closed people.
• Constant internal overly self-critical self-control will not allow you to freely realize yourself even in your favorite business.
• An unresolved problem with isolation can lead to serious mental disorders requiring compulsory treatment or even suicide.

Parents who have discovered a state of isolation in a child should try to resolve this as soon as possible, while not forcing events. As this problem did not come in one day, so its solution may take some time. Therefore, patience and a competent approach will be the best allies.

What to do?

The use of force in dealing with a child's withdrawal problems is worst decision Therefore, it is necessary to show, firstly, restraint, and secondly, consistency. Working out the right sequence on your own can be very difficult, so do not avoid the help of a psychologist.

Most of the problems with the child's isolation are typical, they already have effective solutions, and the psychologist, first of all, identifies and helps to solve typical problems.

• Closure most often accompanies intellectually developed people, so it is worth taking the child for who he is and taking into account his ability to self-criticism, which can be very helpful in adulthood.
• When communicating with a child, it should be remembered that a person has two ears and one mouth, so we should listen at least twice as much as we speak. It is necessary to give more opportunities to speak specifically to the child, without crushing parental authority.
• In conversations with children, never say that isolation is a serious problem.
• When communicating, it should be noted that fears are just unexplored possibilities. After a person does things that are terrible for him, they will eventually become commonplace and carry great opportunities.
• The child should always be trusted and any issues relating to the whole family should be discussed together.
• It is always necessary to allow the child to fulfill himself through drawing, singing, stories and other creative pursuits. The main thing is not to limit anything.
• Calmly tell your child about relationships with the opposite sex. Note that there are much more reasons for good interaction in communication than for conflict.
• When a child directly asks about his problem of isolation, do not try to get around this question by saying that there is no such problem. It is better to try to discuss everything together, identify all fears and grievances, and also try to cooperate in solving problems.
• Praise for good deeds or punishment for misdeeds should follow immediately, and the child should clearly know why the parents act the way they do.

The main thing in solving all psychological problems in a child is still sincerity. If parents truly love their children, they will always find the right approach and attract the right specialists.

The second important factor is timeliness. Any problem that is not treated in time can develop into a chronic form, which will be more difficult to deal with. Therefore, we must love our children and always help them. Understand, it is actually very difficult for them!

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There are children who by nature are not endowed with sociability and openness, their natural social skills are less developed than those of friendly peers. Fortunately, unsociable children can also be taught the skills that socially successful children are naturally endowed with, so that less sociable children can also achieve the same, if not more, social success.

There are children who by nature are not endowed with sociability and openness, their natural social skills are less developed than those of friendly peers. Fortunately, unsociable children can also be taught the skills that socially successful children are naturally endowed with, so that less sociable children can achieve the same, if not more, social success.

The following are tips to help your child engage in age-appropriate conversations with peers. Don't aim to teach your child all these social skills in one sitting, master them gradually, one at a time, step by step.

How to help your child become popular

As the child learns to make new friends, his natural abilities will be more and more stimulated, and soon, I assure you, you will already be asking yourself: “What are these children talking about for so long?”

1. Teach your child to express their feelings, needs and desires.

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings and why they arise. Psychologists often suggest that children and adults use "I" statements to fill in the gaps in a simple phrase:

"I feel _________ because __________ and I would like to ___________."

When a child expresses and explains his feelings, those around him get the opportunity to respond more adequately to them. And in this case, the child is more likely to get an answer to his request or achieve what he wants.

2. Encourage your child to share more personal information about themselves.

Shy and passive children often assume that no one is interested and that others will treat you better if you simply show interest in the speeches of the interlocutor. However, one-sided conversation will not win friends.

Therefore, explain to the child how important it is to determine their own interests, value system, feelings and thoughts and not be shy to talk about them to others. The best way to teach a child to share the most important - talk to him more. Once you get into the habit of intimate conversations, your child will learn to talk about what is important to him and with peers.

3. Teach your child to have a dialogue on an equal footing.

Talking is like rocking together on a board: for the conversation to go smoothly, equal participation of both interlocutors is necessary. Children send many non-verbal and verbal messages to each other about when they want to talk themselves and when they prefer to listen.

If the child wants to speak, he can raise his head, raise his index finger, lean forward, look into the eyes of the interlocutor, or raise his voice. When the child is ready to listen, he signals this with a pause in the conversation, he may also lean back or change his position, or ask the interlocutor for his opinion ("What do you think about this?").

There are children to whom these skills are given easily, but they are by no means in the majority. Some children, when talking, begin to "pull the blanket over themselves", not understanding and not noticing that the interlocutor feels deprived. Others, on the other hand, are excellent listeners, but do not know how to express their opinions during a conversation, and such, as a rule, are perceived by their peers as passive and boring.

To help your child really master the ability to have a conversation as an equal, try watching a television discussion program or a newscast, first with the sound on, and then without the sound. Point out to your child the many ways people signal to each other that they are ready to listen or that they want to talk.

4. Encourage your child to use the phone and e-mail correctly.

Children who fear social rejection tend to be reluctant to make phone calls. They are anxious because they do not see the interlocutor, they are worried that while they are talking, he may have fun with them on the other end of the line, or even make fun of them in front of other people present, whom the child also does not see.

Shy children should be encouraged to make short phone calls to peers and longer calls to people they know and trust, such as cousins and sisters, grandparents or other relatives.

It is known that at least 30-40% of people from time to time have to deal with shyness and fear of social rejection. Most people overcome shyness this way. take new social "heights" gradually, step by step.

Realizing that the fear of new social events is balanced and even, as a rule, outweighed by the joys of friendship, friendly relations and sympathy from others, the shy person thereby receives an incentive to take the next step.

The use of e-mail and online conversations on the Internet as a means of communication has gained immense popularity among children. One recent study shows that children, on average, spend 8-14 hours a week on the computer with friends.

Apparently, many socially inhibited or shy children prefer this way of communicating because it gives them time to think about the next line or letter. Since there is less contact in e-mail or chat, the shy child feels less vulnerable; they don't see him, they don't hear him.

While email will almost certainly be an important part of a child's social education, you need to set a clear goal for yourself: to teach your child how to use the Internet and email properly. We've all heard sad stories about children and teenagers being lured into running away from home by "pen pals" and this, though rare, does happen. best advice on safer use of the Internet and e-mail, which I can give is to keep your home computer in plain sight so that you can watch your child while he learns the advantages and disadvantages of communicating through electronic means of communication.

5. Teach your child to ask questions.

We all like to talk about ourselves, and we all like those who show interest in our person. Teach your child to ask questions of the interlocutor about himself and explain how good and convenient it is to start and maintain a conversation in this way.

Friendly children constantly invite their peers - either to have dinner at home, or go to the cinema, or take a walk in the amusement park, or come to visit with an overnight stay. The socially successful child has no difficulty in inviting others to play or do something else, because he rarely encounters rejection.

But a shy child or a child whom no one notices is always worried that his invitation will be rejected and not met with understanding. Such children are often so afraid of offering something to their peers that they fall into vicious circle- their timidity breeds rejection, and vice versa.

Let's look at eleven year old Patrick. This shy boy adored the bowling alley and wanted to invite his neighbor Mark to go play bowling with him over the weekend. Mark was very popular at school and treated Patrick with sympathy, despite his shyness. Sometimes he came to visit Patrick - to watch TV together.

However, Patrick was so worried that Mark might have other plans for the weekend that every Friday he came up with excuse after excuse for himself, just not to call. And so Patrick spent weekend after weekend sitting alone at home, and Mark at that time talked with classmates.

Finally, Patrick plucked up the courage to invite Mark to go play bowling alley, to which he immediately happily agreed. This invitation marked a turning point in the boys' relationship and in Patrick's social identity.

6. Teach your child how to express approval to others.

Children love to receive praise and other positive feedback from adults, but it is even more important for them to earn the approval of their peers. Children who enjoy social success praise others easily and willingly, and they begin to do this quite early, as early as 3-4 years old.

My four-year-old daughter Tess spares no compliments if she likes someone or something. More than once I heard her say to her friend: "Oh, what a wonderful dress you have!" or "Oh, what a wonderful picture you drew!" Besides, Tess is generous with her praise for Mom and me. She might say, for example, "Mom, you have nice shoes" or "Dad, you have a nice haircut."

Of course, at 4 years old, Tess mostly pays attention to what is new to her or what seemed beautiful to her, but at the same time, she seems to already understand that praise is a way to communicate with others. I am sure that when my daughter grows up, the ability to praise will become a valuable social quality for her.

7. Teach your child to have long conversations.

At the age of 5-6 years, children, as a rule, are limited to fairly short conversations: one asks a question, the other answers, and that's it. But as the child develops language skills and attention, the conversations get longer and longer. And by the age of 9-10, parents are often outraged that the child is talking on the phone for so long.

One evening Helen asked her eleven-year-old daughter Heather:

- And what was it that you and Sandy were talking about for so long? You spent the whole day together at school!

The question was reasonable: Heather spoke to best friend on the phone for more than three hours.

The girl's response was pretty predictable.

- Just about all sorts of things. I have a lot to say to Sandy beyond what we talked about this afternoon.

But a socially inhibited or shy child often finds it difficult to maintain a long conversation. Here is another eleven-year-old girl, Rachel, asking permission to leave the table to call her friend about homework. She returns two minutes later.

So, is Jenny not at home? her mother asks.

No, she's at home, - Rachel replies.

Was she too busy to talk to you? the mother asks, worried that her daughter is not very successful in communicating with her classmates.

I don't know, Rachel replies evasively. - I didn't ask her. She probably wasn't busy. I just asked her what they asked for in literature, she dictated to me, and that's it.

It seems that kids like Rachel just don't have the innate need to talk that kids like Heather are so generously endowed with. The first type of children, apparently, are simply more introverted and do not enjoy conversations as much as extroverted peers.

Of course, you can safely assume that this is a matter of personal preference for your child, but if he is not popular among his peers and his social fitness does not correspond to the main milestones of social development that are important for his age, then you should definitely make an effort to teach your child how to have longer conversations.

The child will learn this best if you arrange for him to talk more often and longer with you or with someone else from the significant adults for him, with whom the child has developed a trusting relationship. If you are as introverted as the child, then try to get him to spend more time with a more sociable aunt, grandmother, or family friend. A talkative extroverted adult will be able to "pull" the child out of his "shell" by showing how to ask questions and comment on the interlocutor's remarks.

8. Teach your child to show and express concern for the feelings of the interlocutor.

Explain to the child that he needs to show his sensitivity and interest in the emotions of the interlocutor, and the easiest way to do this is to respond to what he sees and hears. Teach him, for example, to say: “It looks like you are upset,” “This will surely cheer you up and please you,” or “You must be very scared,” and similar remarks.

In addition, the child needs to understand that often his comments can miss the target, and observations happen to be wrong, but there is nothing wrong with that: the main thing is to show participation. Even if a child makes an inaccurate observation (as in the dialogue below between two fourteen-year-old girlfriends), the interlocutor will simply correct him and continue the conversation.

Kayla: I don't know why Jimmy doesn't call me. He promised to call. I stayed at home all weekend and no matter how many times I dialed his number, I got this stupid answering machine.

Darlene: You must have been terribly angry.

Kayla: Yeah, I'll see him at school and give him a thrashing.

Darlene: What are you going to say?

Kayla: I'll say I've had enough and our relationship is over. Let him look for another girlfriend and ignore her as much as he wants.

Darlene: It must be a big relief for you to break up with Jimmy. I never really liked him at all.

Darlene: Oh... Then it must be hard for you. (There's sadness in her voice too.) I'm so sorry...

Kayla: Uh-huh... Okay... It's okay, I'll get through it somehow. (Continues, cheered up.) Well, that's it, the joke is with him, with Jimmy. Stop sitting around, let's go for a walk, have fun.

Darlene: Great, let's go to the movies.

As you can see, at first Darlene did not quite correctly interpret her friend's feelings, but this did not stop the conversation: Kayla corrected her friend and continued the conversation. Children almost always respond to unfeigned expressions of sympathy from their peers. And the ability to express empathy plays a fundamental role in creating trusting friendships.

Chat more often.

The easiest way to teach a child to be a good conversationalist is to talk to him often and set an example of the necessary skills.

Let me remind you that when talking, you should definitely sit face to face with the child and not be distracted by anything. However, if you suspect that your child is having serious difficulties in communicating with peers, it is better to make the “conversation lessons” more formal.

Videotape the child's conversation with someone at home and have him focus on one of the secrets of maintaining a conversation (the one that seems more relevant to you than others). Then watch the video with your child and ask him or her to indicate in which episodes he should have behaved differently.

As mentioned earlier, learning new emotional, behavioral and social skills is almost the same as learning a new school subject or sport. All the child needs is adult encouragement, feedback, more training and a sensitive teacher who will teach him new skills gradually, step by step.published.

Lawrence Shapiro "The secret language of children. Children's language of gestures, dreams, drawings"

Have questions - ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we change the world! © econet

All children are different: someone loves to play catch-up with other children, and someone likes to solve puzzles alone. Closeness and excessive modesty prevent the crumbs from joining society, making friends, showing their talents, and gaining recognition from their peers. Parents of "silent people" begin to sound the alarm, visit psychologists and talk with teachers, trying to increase the sociability of the child. What is the reason for this behaviour? How to help the baby? Find answers in this article. And you can take the test and assess the level of sociability of your son or daughter.

A sociable child quickly finds a common language with other children and teachers, develops self-confidence, and overcomes stress and difficulties more easily. In adulthood, it will be easier for such kids to adapt in society, to achieve success in work and personal life.
As for closed children, it's very easy to see the difference:

• An uncommunicative child will never be the center of attention. Most likely, he will try to sneak into his comfort zone, prefer to stay in the shadows.
• The kid does not like to express his opinion and talk a lot, in the team he tries to stay apart.
• Making friends for a baby is a real challenge. Often such a baby has only one true friend or no friends at all.
• Introverted children are often very inquisitive and study well, find interesting, sometimes even unusual hobbies. However, they are not in a hurry to share their impressions, they keep everything to themselves.

Causes. Why is the child not social?

• Family is the foundation of everything. It is in the family that the first children's habits are born,
  copying parent behavior. If mom and dad do not like to receive guests, but are cheerful and
  active weekends have long been replaced by boring TV gatherings - you should not expect excessive sociability from a child. Most likely, he will accept this style of behavior of his household as the norm and continue family tradition"silent" sitting reading books or playing computer games.
• cold, excessive strict relationship between mother and child can cause real psychological trauma, provoke distrust and detachment from other people. The same can happen after any major stress, such as divorce, the death of a loved one, the loss of a pet, etc.
• Delayed social development is one possible reason for this reclusive behavior. There are several systems of relationships: first, the child plays with himself, then toys are connected to the game, then there is a joint interaction with other children, and, finally, the cooperative stage of the game begins - the distribution of roles, the coordination of behavior, etc. Overcome all stages of social development succeeds by about 4 years - at this age the baby loves to communicate with peers, happily participates in common activities. If an uncommunicative and silent child grows up, it is quite possible that he is stuck in one of the stages, never reaching the stage of cooperative interaction.
• Sociability of the child may also depend on the characteristics of temperament. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for extroverted parents to accept the introverted nature of their child. One of the symptoms of such a "modest" temperament is shyness.
• It also happens that. This can happen, for example, after an unpleasant incident at school or in kindergarten. Offensive ridicule and humiliating insults from peers will make the baby withdraw into himself, lose confidence and become an "outcast".
• Health problems can also affect the behavior of the baby, worsen his emotional mood.

What to do?

It can be difficult to develop sociability in a child, but the patience, support and attention of parents will help to cope with the situation.

• The first thing you should not do is to remind the baby of his lack. Due to constant pressure, the child will definitely earn an inferiority complex, which will also have to be disposed of.
• If your child is shy about new acquaintances, help him with this. Unobtrusively introduce him to peers at the playground or arrange a meeting with other parents of toddlers. For very small ones, you can arrange.
• Always encourage initiative, ask the crumbs for any question: “What to cook for dinner?”, “Which movie to watch?” etc. He must know that his opinion is important.
• The family nest should be filled with peace and comfort. Leave scandals with your spouse about and without for later.
• Self-realization is one of the steps to success. Support the child's desire for new knowledge, enroll the child in creative circles. The team change will do him good.
• Mom and dad should be in constant contact with class teacher school or kindergarten teacher. A competent teacher will be able to establish relations between classmates and rally the children's team.
• It is better to entrust the treatment of serious psychological trauma to a professional psychologist who will help parents competently approach the problem situation and improve the social life of the crumbs.