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Due to work, there is no time for family. How to find time for work and family? What's the matter

My husband has been studying Kabbalah with Laitman for a couple of years now, but he is so actively engaged in it that he does not have enough time for his family. Every day he wakes up at 5 in the morning, watches Kabbalah until 7, then sleeps, watches some videos during the day, goes to classes in the evenings, on weekends too, plus congresses. I don't have the energy to get his attention. I was looking for some compromises, but he says that his spiritual development comes first, I don’t mind, but why is it unclear where and with whom to study and for so long? After all, he is not ready to give up worldly things, and it’s also difficult for me to be everything, but not to feel the return at 23 years old ...

Dear, Peace and Blessing to you and your home!
Thank you for your question, we will try with God's help to answer it.
First, I would like to congratulate you on choosing such good spouse, who finds time and energy to engage in spiritual searches, and is engaged in a group on Kabbalah. I am familiar with several good people who, like your husband, began their acquaintance with spirituality in the Lightman group, but thank God they soon found real Torah lessons, and today they are very worthy, serious observant people.

You write that you are worried about the fact that your husband spends too much precious time on these activities, and even the time that he could spend on you doing something around the house. And that you no longer even have the strength to continue to seek his attention. Let me express our sympathy to you, and wish that soon everything will work out for you, and your husband would finally pay attention to the young beautiful wife who is waiting for him at home. And let me give you a few useful tips who will help you with this.

Your husband is busy with an interesting business, and you have only routine household duties. Find yourself too interesting hobby. You can start going to the pool, or women's fitness groups. This will give you the communication you need and just benefit. You can also join women's Jewish studies groups - thanks to the Internet, this can be done without even leaving your home. For example, many good programs can be found here - http://www.webyeshiva.ru/ You didn't specify which city you are from, but if there are classes for women in your city, you can also visit them - this will give you many new interesting acquaintances and again, you will have a good time.

Perhaps you did not know this, but men are very curious by nature. And as soon as your husband notices that you have stopped running after him in search of attention, and that you have your own interests, that you have turned into a smiling madam with your own employment schedule, then he will certainly turn all his attention to you, and then you as they say, "cards in hand."

Has your husband gone to work? Does he work without days off, holidays, and even when he comes home, he thinks about work? Does he get tired but can't stop? Trying to get away from questions about joint rest and pastime? Everything is clear as daylight - he is a workaholic. There can be a lot of reasons for this, but if a person is so dependent on work, this indicates a kind of departure from reality. Not wanting to be included in the daily home routine, a person replaces it with a career routine.

Family troubles

Workaholics most often "run" to work from the family. Domestic problems and household duties frighten and burden a person, disgust him, and this especially applies to psychologically immature individuals who are not yet ready for a family. It is easier for a man to break into a call from his boss, rush off to work, completely bury himself in work affairs than to admit that he is a useless father and husband. It is absolutely obvious that chastising and reproaching an ultra-busy husband is pointless and useless. The situation in the house will only escalate, tension will increase, and the psychological climate will inevitably worsen, which means that not a single man will want to return to such an environment. How then to proceed?

Whatever you think, but beware of judging the chosen one, because by doing this you will only aggravate an already difficult situation. Better get busy home furnishings, work on the comfort in your home, cook a delicious dinner, give a little holiday atmosphere to your family nest, revive romance - let your husband long for home, let him be really pleased to return to such a home where he is expected and loved. Undoubtedly, this is difficult to achieve if a black cloud of misunderstanding hangs over your home, your relationship with your spouse is strained, and his “romance” with work is the result of past conflicts and disagreements. If this is the case, then external entourage is not a panacea. You should seriously start working on relationships and mutual understanding: only by clarifying all the interpersonal nuances, you can come to a common denominator, find compromises and, accordingly, return your husband to his native land.

But first ask yourself: what might not suit your spouse in your family? Maybe something is wrong with you personally or with family life, which you also organize in many ways? You probably already know the answer, or at least guess. If not, then surely it is time for a frank discussion. As mentioned above, avoid aggression, attacks, reproaches and give up an offensive position ("I'm spinning like a squirrel in a wheel, and you!", "You know, dear, you are also by no means an angel", "Children have already forgotten how their father”, “You are not at home, maybe you can register at your work at all? It will be more convenient”, etc.). Because by choosing the role of the attacking side, you will once and for all instill in your soulmate an antipathy for such “confidential” conversations, and he will stubbornly avoid them. Gather all your will into a fist, show unprecedented tolerance and loyalty and listen to your chosen one very carefully, without interrupting or being distracted by anything. Try to understand and accept what he will tell you. It is possible that immediately, here and now, you will not be able to reach a consensus, and you will need time for this. In any case, it does not matter - in order to act wisely, sometimes you really need to think and rethink a lot. But you will clearly weigh everything and decide what you are ready to work on, what you can give in, and where you won’t give in fundamentally, what you are ready to offer for improvement family life etc. Relationships, and even more so marriage, is not a one-sided game, there is no place for self-distance, everything must happen in unison, in harmony, without coercion, with trust and love.

Psychological reasons

There is another reason for chronic workaholism - the difficulty in building social ties. It's already personal feature a person that relates to his inner warehouse, and not to his family. A regulated work process automatically provides a person with his place in society, makes him a member of a certain system, entrusts him with certain duties - he knows what needs to be done and what is not needed. Therefore, various informal meetings and entertainment, i.e. everything that happens behind the walls of the company does not bring him any joy, because. are stressful for him. pure form- unregulated communication, lack of working rules and business ethics simply plunge a person into a stupor; man does not understand How he needs to communicate what to say to all these people. Indeed, in a familiar work environment, everything is very easy: there is a hierarchy, subordination, leaders and subordinates.

Another aspect: low self-esteem. If a person is not confident enough in himself, he may surround himself with the illusion that the endless stay at work makes him successful and exceptional. The praise of the boss for him is like manna from heaven: for the sake of it, he is ready to redo a couple more tons of reports, work overtime, take work home, and finally clean up the office on his own. And, what is remarkable, it will not be so important for him what he is doing, he is trying for the sake of those feelings that overwhelm him from a sense of his own usefulness and need. It is the feeling of one's own significance, importance and indispensability that can push a person to do a lot. For men it especially important, one might say, vital. And if perfectionism is added to all this, then the situation completely takes the form of a vicious circle. A workaholic cannot finish what he started, he always strives for an abstract ideal, a chimera that exists only within the framework of his personal perception. On the one hand, self-improvement and tireless work is an undeniable blessing, a lot of work on oneself and one's skills, but on the other hand, workaholism quickly turns into Sisyphean labor, it turns into endless work and permanent dissatisfaction with its results.

What to do?

Summarizing the personal psychological justifications for workaholism, it is worth making an effort to ensure that within your life together with her husband to create for him such an environment in which he felt like a successful, fulfilled and happy person. Do not drag him to noisy places and companies, do not call every now and then to visit, if the spouse is tired of prolonged communication with strangers, limit yourself to quiet gatherings in a narrow circle of relatives or closest friends.

Your home is the very first place where your chosen one is needed. Let him feel and know it. Use your feminine wisdom: more often create situations at home where you may need the help of your spouse, where you cannot do without his participation. Starting from the banal screwing of a shelf in the bathroom and ending with the choice of bed linen pattern. Feel free to ask for help, let him know that you definitely can't do it without him. Give a generous assessment to any little thing, notice every detail, and most importantly, thank, thank your loved one! Believe me, he may not show it, but this will be a balm for his heart. Yes, you can certainly do something on your own, but do not forget that modeling the appropriate situation is extremely important, perhaps to save the marriage, if you imagine your situation on such a scale. Give him faith that he is needed and important Houses.

It is sometimes very difficult to “return” a husband to the family, because not all men are ready to simply refuse to leave their “career haven”. But if you are serious about saving your family from destruction, then make every effort and show sufficient patience for this. Your efforts and efforts will inevitably be rewarded when the spouse turns from a gloomy, driven workaholic into a contented life and a happy family man.

How to find time for work and family? How to combine these two important components of life ... There is such a psychological axiom: a person will always find time for everything that he considers necessary for himself. Is it really?

Sometimes it seems that no one can combine hard, long hours of work and a family, and stories about successful, purposeful business women who have three children and are happily married at the same time are perceived as empty talk, to real life having nothing to do with it.

We offer five simple points that will not give step by step instructions how to find time for work and family, but they will set the direction of thought, following which you yourself can find the optimal time balance between these poles.

Family time planning

Easy to say, hard to do. Well, if you have long-term and big goals. Then the whole life, willy-nilly, turns out to be subordinated to them, plans for a month are fractional parts of annual ones, and plans for a day bring exactly one three hundred and sixty-fifth closer to something global.

In real life, only a few people profess such a coherent planning system, and to advise you to do this first of all means to go beyond one specific problem “career or family” and start solving a whole range of related ones, delving into life coaching, which, maybe , and good, but not entirely appropriate.

Start with a plan for the day. Try to start with only two or three items in the “work” and “home” categories, but be sure to follow them. Deceive your optionality: actively use instant messengers, planners, to-do lists, reminders on your phone, tablet, computer.

Use free services such as miniplan, evernote, and even stickers on the monitor panel. The main thing is that it should be convenient and fulfill its main task: do not forget about what is really important to you.

combination

Of course, life does not consist only of family and work. In addition to these basics, there is also health care, fitness centers, friends with gatherings in cafes. Just to take and remove it from your life means to lose those sources that feed you as a person, give you strength to work and be needed at home.

Combine everything possible. Do you go to the pool? Do it with children or parents. Replace exercise bike classes with a real bike and get your friends hooked on this exciting and rewarding activity.

Life is a big and complex puzzle, and, most often, from the fact that its parts are mixed, modifying forms and combinations, a person only wins.

anti-perfectionism

Children don't need perfect parents. A husband does not need a perfect wife. They need you, with all the advantages and disadvantages.

Scrupulous preparation for a trip to the country “so as not to forget anything” is undoubtedly good, but if many hours of running around and getting ready, when even the presence of a handkerchief in the pocket of children is checked, exhausts you, makes you nervous and breaks down on loved ones, then the true benefits of spending time together , be significantly reduced.

Similarly with work - do not strive to do everything better than your colleagues in order to "wipe everyone's nose and show who is the best." Let your perfection be manifested not in the total absence of shortcomings, but in how competently you use your unique virtues that nature has endowed you with.

Do not save on what unloads you from mechanical work

Banal advice, however, it makes sense to look at your house once again without prejudice and honestly: which of what you do more than 10 minutes a week can you not do?

Maybe it's time to buy a dishwasher or a robotic vacuum cleaner? No matter how much they cost, you will be overwhelmed by the amount of time saved in a year with these electronic assistants.

There is no desire and opportunity to spend a large lump sum? Invite the maid for the weekend with hourly pay, and at this time you yourself go to the forest, ski, pick mushrooms. With family, of course.

Rituals in the family

A person quickly adapts to any style and lifestyle, but some rituals that we get used to from childhood are performed automatically until old age.

So, let's say, it would never occur to anyone to optimize the process of morning brushing their teeth. Let home rituals take root just as organically in your day: for example, joint breakfasts and dinners, or a walk before going to bed. That is, something that would be self-evident and inviolable.

Let the children do not see you all day, but they know for sure that at dinner your attention belongs only to them. If there is an opportunity to meet each other from work or school, do not neglect it. A great time to learn about the affairs, moods, emotions of loved ones.

It may be a matter of minutes, but how do you know if your children will remember these minutes later all their lives as the happiest?

Remember how the tamed Fox told the Little Prince in Exupery's book: "we must observe the rites." Indeed, it is necessary. Especially those, and first of all those that harmonize you and your relationship with dear people.

Try to start following our advice, and, perhaps soon, the question of how to combine work and family will disappear for you ...

From time to time, people I know and not very interested in me how I manage to travel quite often (compared to an ordinary office worker), find time for my family and children, take pictures, work in the office, process photos and not go crazy about it all. And for some reason, the answer is that the most important thing is the Google calendar and the motivation does not suit them very much. It seems to everyone that I am hiding some secret pills that allow you to get everything at once.
You eat such a pill and immediately the day becomes 30 hours long, a surge of creative energy and inspiration appears, and all distractions that prevent you from doing what you want leave your life.
I don't have that pill. But here I tried to systematize my approach to the creative side of photography, planning and life in general, and formulate something like advice on how to free your brain from everyday problems and questions to the maximum and open it for creativity.

This is what works for me and allows me to do what I do.

find out what "itchy"- a task that constantly pops up in memory and distracts, but its implementation is postponed until better times. Now there is no time, no inspiration, the very pen that needs to be written down a masterpiece is not enough - there can be many excuses. You just need to start doing. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have time to finish it, tomorrow you won’t have to start from scratch, and it’s always easier to continue than to start. Or here is another example, without relatively creativity - you need to take the child to the dentist, it seems to be not urgent, the teeth do not hurt, but it is necessary prophylactically and it seems that it can wait, because in the morning to the garden, then to work, and in the evening the doctors do not work especially on weekends. And this thought periodically pops up in the brain and puts pressure on the subconscious. What to do? but you just need to call and make an appointment, and then there will be no turning back, you will have to somehow get out and find the time in the calendar. An unfinished task will stop itching in the brain and distract from everything else, including creativity, the child will be taken to the doctor - some solid pluses 😃
Another classic advice from all books and articles about time management - if the task takes a couple of minutes - don't delay, do it now. We received a letter that needs to be answered - answer immediately, some small matter - such as a phone call or ordering a children's book in an online store - 5 minutes of time and you're done. This is a banality that everyone probably knows about, but it works.
banal task list. At the same time, I do not have a list of what exactly needs to be done on a particular day, there is a calendar for this. I just throw everything that worries me and what would be good to do or control into the general list. No priorities and separation of dates. Just a list.Crossing off completed tasks from such a list works very well for psychology and motivates you to complete other tasks. + Having a list frees the brain, because all of them are securely stored in the list, and when a minute of free time appears, you can look into the list and see if this can be done.
selfishness- everything is simple and banal. Do not do what you do not like and will not bring moral satisfaction. I refuse projects that are not interesting to me and will simply take my time and emotions, perhaps this could bring some new interesting acquaintances and so on, but given that I prefer to communicate with people to a minimum, then the likelihood of this is small.
If we translate all this into the language of bloggers, then all parties “for cookies” are not for me. If the topic is interesting and useful to me, I will participate without cookies, and work for free, and for interest and moral satisfaction. Here they may object to me that it is necessary to earn money and do not only what you like, but also what allows you not to die of hunger. Here comes to the rescue office work😃 Any person needs a break in creativity, otherwise stupor and apathy begin, you need to change activities, then you can find something new and draw inspiration in different areas. But I'm lucky, I'm in the office doing what interests me and I like it.
If you give a more realistic example - you don’t like washing dishes - a dishwasher will help out, you don’t like shopping - you can send your husband with a list, order delivery, or go to the store at 2 am when there are no traffic jams, no queues, no people . I always weigh my free time - and instead of going to pick up the goods by self-delivery from the other end of the city, I'd rather pay 200 rubles for delivery by courier. I prefer to conduct any negotiations by mail or instant messengers.
Time for yourself. This is very important for inner peace and balance. I felt this very keenly when the eldest daughter was small - during the day she did not get off my hands, and at night she woke up almost every 40 minutes. And creativity requires solitude.
I got up an hour earlier. This hour before it was necessary to start preparing breakfast for the family, she could calmly process photos. Then, when my daughter woke up and there was no way to retire, I did some mechanical and technical work - register keywords for stock photos, upload photos to the site, fix the layout, and so on. Something that does not require a flight of imagination and creativity. Similarly with a child’s daytime sleep - I don’t understand parents who walk with a child sleeping in a stroller - a sleeping child is a time for himself when you can do some creative work or something that requires concentration. Now that the children have grown up, it's still a few hours after they go to bed - this is the time to work in silence.
Escape from home is like a continuation of the previous paragraphs about selfishness and your own space. Leave the house at 2 am alone, drive 200 km, photograph the sunrise and return to the office at the beginning of the working day. Such a seemingly strange action gives me a boost of energy and creative power for a very long time. Firstly, this is an opportunity to be alone with yourself (we remember about two children who are almost 24x7 nearby), secondly, a feeling of victory and accomplishment over oneself (well, not everyone can stay awake for two days for the sake of a couple of shots), thirdly, creative self-realization, practically in any weather at dawn, you can shoot something beautiful, fourthly - an adrenaline rush from the spontaneity of the act and everything that happens. Well, children in the garden and dad can take.

physical activity

Fight the negative. Find something that angers or annoys and find out why it happens and try to do something about it. One of the psychological techniques is that it is proposed to visualize the negative. I don't know if this works or not.
In general, the scheme for solving any problem looks like this

My story about unpleasant emotions is not about anger, but more about irritation. As an example, I am subscribed to many successful bloggers, and when someone goes on some interesting press tour, my first thought is, why wasn’t I invited? you can let this thought sit down with the subconscious, be sad and upset (at the same time, there is still a big, big question if I could go if I were called, here the very fact that they chose someone else is frustrating), in a word, whine. But there is another way - just organize a press tour on your own. Here we need to think about what exactly we envy.
Free trip? - but after all, no one bothers to independently agree on accommodation with the hotel, but with the airline about tickets. In the end, you can just earn money and organize everything yourself for money, bonuses, miles, then when it’s convenient for you, because it’s convenient for you, you don’t have to adapt to the organizers, walk in a crowd and shoot the same stories with a dozen more people. At the same time, it is quite possible to earn money on a trip, just not directly and not instantly - my travels have been self-sustaining for a very long time with the help of photographs taken.
Is it frustrating that they don’t call because they don’t appreciate it? What have you done to be appreciated? Have you written to the press office and the tourism department? showed your portfolio, offered options for cooperation? In the end, you can assert yourself not only through a trip. In the case of photographs, submit them to competitions, to the nationalgeographic website, submit your articles to magazines. To achieve something, you must at least start doing something. And then the universe will take care of helping.

Thanks to the entertaining book Long Walks by Julia Cameron for the inspiration for this post.

The book contains well-organized practical advice how to bring more creativity into your life.
It is divided into chapters, in each chapter there are several tasks that must be done during the week. I don’t know how the tasks are, I haven’t tried it, but the thoughts in the book are very correct and necessary, and despite the strange title of the chapters (maybe a feature of the Russian translation) are very useful. They help to turn the brain in the right direction and concentrate on what is really important and necessary, and not waste time on all sorts of tinsel. Julia has quite a few references to God, which annoys me a little, but if you filter such paragraphs or replace God with the Universe, then it reads quite normally, especially since there are practically no such references and references in the second half of the book. The author tells how to respond to negative comments and remarks, how to live and move on when everyone around says that you will not succeed, and how you can open your brain for creativity, how to learn to look for inspiration in ordinary routine things.

Often women encounter a workaholic husband. He devotes little time to his family, he works on weekends, he does not take vacations, he does not go on vacation. The reasons for this behavior can be many. Maybe it's just an escape from reality.

Family problems

Most often, this behavior is inherent in men who were not ready for a family, for a child. They thus run away from everyday troubles and household duties.

A man is more likely to hide behind work than to be good father and husband. In this case, it is important to understand that if a woman constantly “nags” her husband, then over time he will be at home more and more often. But you shouldn't despair either. First you need to create a friendly atmosphere at home, comfort, so that the workaholic would like to come home. This will be extremely difficult to do if the relationship is already strained. And then, of course, only a friendly atmosphere is not enough here.

You need to work on relationships, look for compromises, and then you can return your husband to the family. Most likely, every woman knows the reason for the disagreement, what exactly her husband does not like in the family. At the same time, it is important to understand that in no case should he be told about his own shortcomings. After all, this will not help clarify the situation, but only aggravate the relationship. It is worth showing maximum tolerance and patience in order to listen to the position of the spouse. And then, come to a mutual solution to the problem

Escape from yourself

Most often, the cause of workaholism is the person himself. It is difficult for him to cost social connections. Then the work process helps to take place in society. He is not interested in meeting friends or colleagues outside of work, because he does not understand how to communicate. Another thing is work.

There is a division: boss and subordinate. An insecure person gives himself completely to work where he feels successful. If the work is not done at a high level, then the workaholic will constantly redo it, reaching the highest peak of praise. At the same time, additional loads or night shifts are possible, but then he will know his need and irreplaceability.

What to do?

A woman is always wiser. It's time for her to use this skill. It is necessary to create such an atmosphere in the family that the husband feels successful and irreplaceable in it. If it is difficult for him to find a common language with friends and colleagues, then you need to spend more time together. Constantly create a situation in which you cannot do without it. And then remind him of every little thing he has done. Only then will the husband feel his importance and be able to understand that he was able to realize himself in the family.

Of course, you need to make significant efforts, imagination. But if he is also given to the family, as well as work, then this will be the highest reward for the work of his wife.