Unequal treatment of children in the family. The father took back what he gave (equal attitude of parents to children)
Senior questions about junior
It’s good when an older child constantly asks when the younger one learns to walk, and when people learn to eat with a spoon, and when he already understands books, fall asleep himself. These questions related to age development should not be tired of answering. There are such American books about age: “Baby”, “ one year old baby”, “Three-year-old”, “Five-year-old”, “Old man”. If you come across them, buy them, because at the birth of a baby, the elder becomes very interested in this. Special developmental situations arise when children are from different fathers. They don't fit all of the above.
Gradually, the younger becomes a provocateur of conflicts. Don't miss a moment
It is easy to miss the moment when the younger one starts to provoke conflicts, for example, quickly run up, bite, fight. And when the older child turns around to respond in a normal way, the baby bursts into a loud, loud cry “mom” and it’s clear who is being punished. Such changes in children's attitudes are very easy to miss.
Not to mention more sophisticated forms of provocation.
By the age of one and a half years, younger children can already do very complex things in order to make the older one feel guilty. The presence of such provocations does not mean that you have monsters growing and they will have bad relationship this is normal puppy dogging. Parents need to have a very large margin of calm in order to properly respond to this.
The fourth milestone in the development of a relationship between two children occurs when the youngest child begins to speak well. This occurs from one and a half to two years of life of the youngest. When the younger one begins to use words, he "encroaches" on a new niche in the family - the niche of verbal communication.
The special feeling of the firstborn
The first child, in spite of everything, feels his superiority, the royal position of the eldest. This feeling of self will not go anywhere, and it is not worth fighting with it. Sometimes the older one can remind the younger one: “I was already with dad and mom when you weren’t there” or “But anyway, I was born first.” He will seek confirmation of his superiority and primacy in various ways, positive and negative.
In a traditional family and culture, the firstborn enjoyed a different right than all other children. Recall the law of primacy, according to which the eldest son inherited the capital stock of the father or the family business. An illustration of this law is the fairy tale "Puss in Boots". Remember, there the eldest son gets a mill, the middle son gets a donkey, and the youngest just gets a cat. Now things are different, parents are trying to equalize their children. When there are only two children, it makes sense to equalize. If you have a large family, then you should think before telling your children that they are equal.
An older child will always have more responsibilities
The living place of older children is different in that they have more responsibilities towards their parents and towards other children in the family.
The main attention of parents usually falls on the elder. They are greatly developed physically and intellectually in our time. Sometimes it is a narrow field of achievement: sports, music or artistic creativity. With the advent of the younger child, the attitude towards the older one becomes more evaluative. Sometimes the elder begins to think that for mom he is valuable not just as a person, but as a person who knows how to put away toys, read well, and bring letters.
Parents need to deal with their evaluative attitude towards their older child
The elder may be valued by parents as a child who behaves very well, but this is wrong.
Psychologically, it turns out that the birth of the youngest automatically makes the child older and bigger, even if he is not even two years old. This is a paradox of maternal perception: if the next one was born, then the older one is already big. Agree, it is difficult to immediately become big in 2, 5 - 3 years. With the birth of the youngest child, the first-born involuntarily changes his place in the family. He himself does not change exactly on the day of the birth of a brother or sister. However, his place, psychological roles and related parental expectations and attitudes change greatly. And all this dramatically makes the child older.
Senior Privileges
It is necessary to carefully monitor that the eldest child in the family has not only duties and shortcomings, but also privileges and dignity. Parents should ask themselves the question: “What privileges does our eldest child have?”
Privileges are special promotional deeds, opportunities, events that only this particular child in the family has. Parents usually refer to developmental activities as privileges. But in the preschool period, these activities are more pleasing to parental ambitions than they are the embodiment of the desires of the child, his dreams. Privilege can be considered what the child himself would call such. It cannot be considered a privilege that you learn numbers, time, forms with it.
If the birth of the youngest coincided with the period of negativism in the elder
Often the birth of the next child coincides with the period of disobedience in the firstborn. When a child turns a year or two, the baby becomes insane, naughty, harmful. It must be understood that the eldest child, in the first year of the baby's birth, is a monarch deprived of the throne.
Celebrate when kids play well
It is necessary to emphasize both in words and deeds those moments when everything is fine with children. There will definitely be such moments, and there will be more of them than negative ones. Unfortunately, positive moments are tracked by parents worse. When everything is fine with children, then there is no need to talk about it. And when difficulties set in, this is immediately fixed in the parental consciousness.
And if the older child brought a rattle and smiles, or he and the younger one had a good swim together, then you need to emphasize this, separately praise the older one. It should be noted good moments in the relationship of children, so that the older child understands that you like it, so that he has something to try for. He should know that from his mother you can expect not only criticism, but also praise. And be sure to tell the scary ideas of games with kids. For example, the older one can teach the younger one to play simple patty or goat-horned, those games that everyone knows.
A wonderful general toy is obtained from a large box from household appliances or a table covered with a large piece of cloth - a house for two children. They are good at playing house from the moment the baby crawls. Children with no big difference and at the age they crawl perfectly after the ball or any other rolling toys.
How does the younger relate to the older?
For a baby under the age of a year and a half, the elder is an indisputable authority, he is very much loved by him. But an older child may not see or appreciate this attitude towards himself. This is because the little one speaks of his love not with words, but with behavior. And the older child, who can speak, is guided by words and he does not always read the behavioral manifestations of the little one. He needs help to correctly interpret the behavior of the baby.
The elder needs to talk a lot about the baby: “Look how small he is, how funny, how pretty, look how he still doesn’t know how to do these things, let’s teach him, let’s take pity on him, help.” It is necessary to explain what babies can and cannot yet do. The word "regret" denotes a very favorable position of the elder in relation to the younger. And it is good if gradually the baby ceases to be perceived as a creature that has special privileges inaccessible to the elder, and that he is admitted to joys inaccessible to the elder.
Different perks for senior and junior
The attention of the mother and constant physical contact with her is the privilege of the youngest child. But the elder has a lot of other opportunities for uniting with his mother. Your parental task is to make them realistically achievable. Some points can and should be exaggerated at the same time: “When Lyalya goes to bed, finally we will read a little book like people.” For the elder, such an association with mom is a huge privilege and encouragement. Then such a configuration does not arise: at one end, a mother with an older child, and at the other end, a baby with whom you have to mess around. You also need to find 5-10 minutes a day to play games with your elder that are interesting to him, to do something that you liked to do regularly with him before the baby was born.
Simple activities with the older child after the birth of the youngest
Life shows that there is just no time left for such things. In no case should you overload the elder with responsibility for the younger child.
Responsibility according to age:
It is impossible to allow, for example, extreme situations when a heavy baby is left on a four-year-old child, who rolls in bed and is about to roll to the edge. He cannot cope with this on his own, he may have a very strong fear that he must be restrained.
The role of "honorary assistant"
Until the eldest is seven or eight years old, the general rule is this: the less responsibility for the younger, the better. The elder should rather play the role of an honorary assistant.
What happens if you force to care
The older child should not be forced to engage with the baby: “Let's entertain the baby for half an hour!”. It is difficult even for an adult to entertain an active baby for half an hour. Overvoltage responsible for younger brother or sister is worsened by the elder's attitude towards him. Five minutes of “baby” play is interesting, ten or fifteen is already difficult.
Much depends on the difference in age, on temperament, the level of development of children. These indicators are individual for each family. If the elder does not have interest in the baby, and no matter how hard you try, joint games do not attract him, you need to leave the children alone and wait until the age stage changes and interest in games with the younger child wakes up on its own. Forced imposition of one child on another leads to the opposite result.
Artificial delay in maturation of the second child
In families where two children and parents do not plan to give birth further, there is a situation in which the mother of the second child artificially delays development. He is no longer a baby, but for the mother of babies and she does not rush him to grow up. This is something that older children do not forgive. They see that the younger one could already walk with his own legs, and he (the older one) at this age himself walked with his feet for a long time, and everyone carries him in a wheelchair. That the younger one can already eat on his own, and he is being fed, because his mother is so pleased. It is important here, if there are two children, not to interfere with the younger one growing up. The younger ones reach out to the older ones until the moment when they understand their benefits of being kids.
Unequal treatment of children
If you see the unevenness of your attitude towards children, you need to fight it as much as possible. Do not forget that the unequal division of parental sympathies does not cause deep love and affection between the elder and the younger. It will be difficult for an older child to accept a pet.
Refuse to play wisely
From the age of two, the youngest child becomes a speaker, and he needs to be taught phrases that mean a rebuff to the older child: “Get away from me”, “I don’t want to play with you together.” In many families, not only such phrases, but such thoughts are not allowed to children. Parents have an irrational belief that if there are two children in a family, they should play together all the time. But in real life everything happens differently. Children will fight, but they will definitely find a friend when they want to play together, and this will happen pretty quickly. Moreover, they will play well most of the time.
"I want to play alone"
Not always the eldest or the youngest child can agree with this correctly expressed request. You can teach a child to say, "I want to play alone," to which the other might say, "I want to play with you." It is necessary to teach the child to express his desires with the words: "I want to play alone", "I want to play a quiet game."
Permission to play both together and separately
When one of the children wants to play, parents can declare: "You can play together, or you can play on your own." The older child should be given the initial right to leave at those moments when he is tired of other children. The “right to leave”, to get out of the situation, should initially be with the elder. Then, upon reaching two and a half - three years of age by a baby, he receives the same rights.
If the house is crowded
If the apartment is small, problems in relations between children may arise simply because it is impossible to disperse. But I am sure that in any area, even the smallest one, with parental desire, or the work of a children's designer, it is possible to create living spaces, ecological niches for each of the children. Parents should be able to skillfully lead children to different corners of the apartment, and do this not as a punishment. Such interaction rules apply to children with a small age difference.
clothing inheritance
Close-aged brothers and sisters are already united very strongly, connected by the very situation of birth. And each of them is especially difficult, but at the same time it is extremely important to find your face. If you want to give the clothes of the eldest to your next child, then the first-born should at least ask permission and take into account his possible refusal. Your senior may well not want to see their most favorite things on another person, much less a "mommy sweetie". It is often much easier to give what is out of use to a child from another family.
If the family does not experience significant financial difficulties, then I would recommend buying the first and second different clothes, do not force the younger to wear the things of the elder. And do not call on the elder to give the trousers or skirt, which has become a bit short, to the younger. A special weight is one's own, not from someone else's shoulder, clothing acquires in school age. However, boys are much less sensitive to this than girls. General rule is: "The suppression of individualism leads to a deterioration in the relations between children in the family." And vice versa: “The better, more comfortable and confident the child feels, the easier it will be for him to build a healthy relationship with his brother or sister.”
Features of the interaction of close-aged children
There are things that, from the point of view of a child, cannot be divided. Something for which there is a special demand: baby-borns, strollers, cars - wheelchairs, cars on the remote control. If there are close-aged same-sex children in the family, you will have to buy two identical toys. If children are same-sex close-aged, it would be good to take them to game groups or to gardens, so that they see other relationships between people than their brother-sister relationship. Children sometimes get tired of close relationships, and negative clichés are developed in relationships with each other. There is a good saying about this: “Close together, but boring apart.” As soon as the hand of one reaches for the toy, the second raises a cry. If children are born with a small difference, they need to be taught some ways to behave in conflict situations.
Interaction rules for children with a small age difference
If we talk about children with a big age difference, when they are separated by more than five or six years, then the main source of discomfort here may be the elder’s legitimate desire that the mother belong only to him, at least for some time during the day. Younger children a priori require greater immersion, constant monitoring, and great emotional attention from the mother. This is how human development is arranged, that babies are much more troublesome creatures than older children.
Why do students misbehave with kids?
If a child - a schoolboy shows aggressive behavior towards younger children in the family, then you need to understand why he behaves this way. Sometimes a schoolboy who has a hard time developing relationships in the classroom with boys of the same age comes and pulls off at home on younger children who cannot hit him back. The point is not in the younger, but in the fact that the older accumulates negative emotions outside the home, and they pour out on the baby. An object to whom irritation is poured out can be a grandmother, a nanny, or an outside third party. You must first understand where, in what situations, the negative that is poured out on the youngest child is collected. Then you need to start talking with the older one, trying to convey to his mind that the younger one is not the right opponent at all, you need to learn to make an allowance for age. You can tell your child: “Imagine a 12-year-old guy who does the same thing to you that you do to our 4-year-old.” The older child does not always know how to track his behavior. Parents should try to understand why their eldest behaves in this way and should gradually teach the child to watch their own negative behavior.
“Junior is also a person”
The younger understands better that a brother or sister is also a person, that we are all people and we have our own desires, he is also a person and he has his own desires. It is much more difficult for an older person to get used to this. When the youngest is born, at first he cannot do anything, he only sucks, sleeps, cries, is completely helpless, cannot even take a toy. The elder captures this well, and it is very difficult for him to understand that this being has already developed over some period of time and turned into someone who may not want or want something. The process of beating the rights of the youngest child occurs in the eldest from one and a half to two years. By the age of three, it ends, because the child is also an active participant in this process, but parents must also participate in this process.
How the elder behaves at a time when the younger begins to show will
With a large age difference, the child knows what causes the praise of others, how to behave so that people praise him. For the first year and a half, the older one gets the feeling that the younger one is his good obedient toy, a dog. You lead on a leash, she goes, or like a car you roll on a string, she rolls. And when the younger one has a manifestation of his character (one and a half to two years old), the older one becomes very dissatisfied with the younger one. Up to a year and a half, the kid agrees with everything and is actually ready for anything: he said - roll the car, roll it, come on, you will give me balls, I will throw them. The younger one agrees to all the ideas of the older one, and after one and a half to two years, the picture changes dramatically. The younger child develops a character and a desire to do the opposite. He, the youngest, is now also an independent person. Yesterday's baby wants to do everything in his own way, and not in the way that yesterday's "unshakable authority" offers him. The older child is at first perplexed - the toy is broken, the remote control does not work, then gets upset, and finally gets angry, trying to return the situation to the usual tracks. He tries different tricks to make the baby obedient and supple. But now the youngest child has entered a period of negativism, and his favorite thing to do is butt heads and do the opposite. And many months must pass before the crisis of three years passes, and the youngest child will again be ready for cooperation. After a year and a half, the younger ones have a very strong tendency to oppose the authority of the older one.
What to do if children interfere with each other
Take, for example, reading. We read a fairy tale that is more suitable for younger age, and attention is accordingly more concentrated in the younger, and when we start reading something for an older child, the younger one starts to interfere. He closes the book and says: “Well, is that all??”. He is tired or he is not interested, he wants to be sung a song. We have just started reading, and the scandals have already begun. We need to make it clear to him that if he interferes, we will go to another place, and if he wants to stay with us, then he needs to learn to sit quietly, like a mouse, for at least 5 minutes. Or find something for him to do, let him play with toys, play with him a little, and then read to the elder again. The younger child involuntarily listens early to long stories, fairy tales and all sorts of fantastic things and Russian classics, because they read to the older one. And of course, this is not always interesting to him, there may be other inclinations. You need to invent such things to keep the little one busy. Give some water to drink, play, he really does not have to listen to this book.
Working alone with kids is fine.
At first, the child does not change for a long time for two years.
The baby does not allow to do things that are interesting to the elder. It needs to be localized, neutralized physically, in the arena, in the crib, in the high chair. No matter how he shouts, we need to put him somewhere and make it clear that no matter how much he shouts, we will still do this for so long. Or classes with another child are done during the sleep of the first. At the age of one and a half, the child manifests a powerful exploratory instinct. He needs everything, to get to everything by the tooth, to try by touch, such is the strength of his temperament. This is normal at one year old. Therefore, it is necessary to isolate the younger during classes.
Classes for seniors only
For an older child, you need to try to keep unchanged all those classes by age that he had before the birth of the baby. And as much as possible to reduce those trips to classes in which you take two children at once. It is optimal to separate the "activities" for the older child and for the baby. For example, if you take a toddler and go to the pool or to classes for toddlers, then on another day you take an older child and go with him to his classes for "big" children. For this, it is worth organizing a nanny or grandmother to help. After all, only with the presence of assistants are separate trips and events possible, separate time for each child. Parents should try to allocate time for classes only with the older child.
Typical tactical mistakes of parents
The first is the non-allocation of a personal zone and personal property for everyone.
Parents usually come up with typical excuses in this respect that there is no place, that they will soon be moving, why buy this bed, table, and in two years to buy others. As a result, children have no personal zone and property, complete socialism, even communism, sets in, and this leads to increased competition. The zone for the little one should be from birth, either a bed or a walker, he stays there for some time and does something. It is necessary to plan the presence of a personal zone for the child. A 1-year-old who is always in research, he likes sometimes limited spaces where he can sit and calm down.
The next tactical mistake is comparing children especially in achievements.
In the region of two to one and a half years, it occurs to the mother to compare children. “Look, Masha what good girl how well he eats or look how quickly he undressed. You can not compare brothers and sisters, it stimulates competition very much. It is also better not to compare with outsiders. The only way to compare is with yourself. If children openly ask who is better, you can answer: “What do you want me to say who is better?” Sometimes a child says something mature, this is normal, a child of this age wants to be the very best. Needless to say, you love your children equally. It is impossible to love children of different ages in the same way, it is almost impossible even with homozygous twins, because they are different people. Telling a child “I love you equally” is not true, and the child cannot but feel it. Say, "I love you equally."
Too much pooling of children
The next typical mistake of parents is an excessively strong association of children. Many parents think that their children's relationships will be good if they have everything in common, especially with a small age difference. Children come to all classes and all holidays together. They have mutual friends and my mother even tries to buy similar clothes for them. Presence in the same classes may generate on the part of the older child a reluctance to participate in what is offered. (add)
Starting approximately from the moment when the baby is one and a half years old, you need to try to see in children not so much their similarity, it is already striking, especially family, but the difference between them. In order for their further development to proceed optimally, especially with a small age difference between children, it is necessary to find a field for joint hobbies with each of them. Each child should try to discover his own special talent, or a promising area for the development of certain abilities. As psychologists say, early age it is worth trying to form a special zone of success for each child, based on his abilities.
Sharing - Bringing Together
If you have one child who assembles a designer perfectly, this does not mean at all that the second one will also show interest and abilities in this activity. Children in the family are very different, especially the first two. Even with a slight difference in age and external similarity, these are two completely unique, dissimilar personalities. Don't automatically try to buy toys that your older child was into. It is necessary to understand the interests and abilities of the child and tune the child to the toy that he needs. If the older one, for example, is involved in some kind of sport, then the younger one should choose another sport. Such a strategy is not very convenient technically, it is much more convenient to take both children to the same classes. (insert about reasonable separation)
It is especially inconvenient for parents to separate the weather while they are small. But the presence of one's life, one's own, separate from the brother, sister and friends, interests and secrets, children, as a rule, does not alienate, but brings them closer. It is also better not to dress the twins in the same way, but to emphasize through the clothes that they are completely different people. Sometimes twins are recommended to be given to different classes. With close-aged children and weather, the situation is similar.
If parents do not try to allocate their own zone of success for each of the children, to find personal interests, then the younger child may have the feeling that he is just a second, not very successful reissue of the older child. The situation can be especially dangerous when children are of the same sex and close in age, while the older child is capable, talented, and successful. But children of different sexes often "obscure" each other: a more sickly baby takes away the lion's share of the mother's attention and strength from a healthier child.
The next tactical mistake is
Exaggerated expectations for an older child are manifested in situations where an older child is expected, firstly, to understand their own life situation (this is done by the mother on an unconscious level), and secondly, to perfectly master all sorts of age-related skills. It seems to mom that the elder is simply obliged to understand without words how tired she is. That she needs to feed and put the baby to bed, and she has not yet drunk tea. A mother who is at home alone with two small children all day long may very much want and expect this understanding from the older child simply because there is no other adult nearby, and against the background of the baby, the older child seems quite large.
An older child cannot fit into the shoes of an adult
But we adults must remember that no understanding on the part of a preschool child can be demanded. Simply because he has never been in our shoes. He didn't wake up many times a night to feed a baby, he didn't drag a heavy stroller up icy steps. The elder has no idea what difficult feelings overcome the mother when both children are crying, and she is not able to do anything that would instantly calm them down.
small dog to old age puppy
Often a family situation arises when the youngest child is perceived by parents as an infant for an indefinitely long time.
He does not have any household duties for a very long time, is not responsible for anything, and in the first place is not responsible for his behavior. The youngest child in such a family is the one to whom everything is forgiven, and almost everything gets away with it. Because in the parental mind, he is still a baby. But if by chance, after watching family videos, or remembering a specific episode from life, parents remember how much their eldest could do on their own at the age of three or four, how much he was an adult, organized and meaningful, and how little the second can do at the same age, such a comparison of the skills and development of two children for many parents becomes a moment of truth.
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| See also on this topic: |
Why kids fight and how to deal with it Carl E. Pickhart)
Relationships between little brothers and sisters Doris Brett)
In the name of Allah, the Gracious and the All-Merciful!
In some families, children's conflicts are a rarity or something on the verge of the impossible. And in some - this is the story of every day. What is the reason? If parents show their children love and respect for each other, then the cause of children's quarrels is most often jealousy. More precisely, in the unequal attitude of parents to their children. Parents may not be aware of this, but by allowing themselves to treat their children differently, they unwittingly plant a time bomb in their relationship. And this is not only about the fact that instead of being comrades and relatives to each other, children will behave like rivals ...
Range negative consequences unequal treatment of children is quite wide. Among them may be low self-esteem, isolation, hostility, “bad behavior” (in order to attract more attention to oneself), a tendency to catch colds, illnesses (it is possible that with the same goal - to attract parental attention), the desire to imitate (the elder - younger / or younger - older / boy-girl / girl-boy - depending on who is the favorite in the family, the “less favorite” will try to be like the “favorite”), etc.
Each child is a separate person, it is not possible to do everything the same for them all the time. A girl, for example, needs a different approach than a boy. A baby needs more attention and care than a grown-up first-born. One child sometimes needs more support in certain situations than the other. But even paying attention to one, the parent should never forget about the second. Appreciate, love, recognize all your children equally.
It is necessary to create such an atmosphere and conditions so that each child feels loved and needed. Each of them should have their place of honor in the family. Otherwise, strife, hidden aggression and competition for the love and attention of parents cannot be avoided. Moreover, the child cannot always openly say that he is not satisfied with the relationship. He may say it in a "veiled" way. For example, diseases or changes in behavior and academic performance.
Reflecting on the rivalry of siblings for the love of parents, one involuntarily recalls the story of the prophet Yusuf, peace be upon him, told in the Koran. Allah Almighty says in the Quran:
“Certainly, Yusuf (Joseph) and his brothers became signs for those who ask.
So they said: “Father loves Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother more than us, although we are a whole group. Indeed, our father is in apparent error.
Kill Yusuf (Joseph) or throw him on another land. Then the whole face of your father will be turned towards you, and after that you will be a righteous people.”
One of them said: “Do not kill Yusuf (Joseph), but throw him to the bottom of the well if you decide to act. One of the caravans will pull him out." (Sura Yusuf, verses 7-10).
So, being tormented by jealousy for the love of their father, the brothers threw Yusuf into the well. Where did his other trials and the main events of his life begin. And although the story of the prophets is the story of the chosen servants of Allah, it should serve as a reminder to "ordinary" parents about the consequences of unequal treatment of children.
As commanded by the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)? One of the hadiths says that one day An-Numan ibn Bashir, a young companion of the Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, came to him and said: “I gave a slave as a gift to this son of mine and I want you to become a witness to him.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) asked: “Have you given the same gifts to all your children?” When he replied that he did not, the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Look for another witness for your cause, for I do not witness injustice.”
Another hadeeth says that once the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) addressed the Muslims with the following words: “Fear Allah and treat your children fairly.” Although the violation of this prohibition may seem like a trifle or something natural to a parent, practice shows that it is the injustice of parents that underlies many spoiled relationships in grown-up children. And the words of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, "Fear Allah" only confirm that this is not only the cause of long-term troubles, but also a serious sin before the Almighty.
Hello, my name is Alexandra! My question is a misunderstanding of the relationship of the mother (mother-in-law) to her adult sons.
The eldest son, having married, lived for some time with his wife in the apartment (2) of his parents, went to the apartment that his mother and father gave him (the apartment of his grandmother, father's mother), the second son stayed with them ...
Today he is already 30 years old, met a girl (me), and now they live with his parents. But his mother has a very strong influence on his life and consciousness, blackmailing him with his poor health and resentment if he tries to escape from her control. She is a very curious woman and painfully perceives the refusal to satisfy her curiosity.
I note that his girlfriend (i.e. me) is from another city, divorced. After the divorce, she rented an apartment, i.e. lived independently and, having met "her son", took an observant position and hoped that a stronger relationship would soon be established, namely: cohabitation. Due to a number of circumstances, the girl (I) had to move out of old apartment and the guy how noble and loving person offered to live with him while looking for a new home. I agreed, and so did his mother.
We lived (we live) in cramped conditions and are not offended. BUT, we are not 19 years old and we want a logical continuation of the relationship (together for the 3rd year), and so his mother, not only having an apartment (from another grandmother) does not offer young people to leave there and build her family relationships, but she also asked me not to remove her from her worries (to feed, wash, etc. I have a feeling that if she had her will, she would sleep with him, guarding his sleep.
WHAT LEADS THIS WOMAN. I DO NOT SEE WISDOM, AND THE SON SUPPORTS HER IN EVERYTHING. LIKE "MOM'S LAWYER" - IT'S HARD FOR ME TO "FIGHT" THIS. BUT TIME IS GOING BUT I WANT TO LIVE WITH IT, AS A DUET, AND NOT TO BE WITHIN THE "LOVE TRIANGLE"
Hello Alexandra! So this maternal affection guides her - when a son is perceived not just as property, but as an eternal child who needs to be watched, cared for, cared for and protected! from what? from the fact that no one took possession of it, that no one took it away from her - otherwise what should she do, who should she care about? this is of course crooked relationships and crooked love, behind which she sees only herself and her feelings and sincerely does not understand that she thereby causes wild pain to her son, depriving him of independence and taking responsibility for him on herself, but for her life shifts it to him - he grew up in this and only saw such relationships, he is dependent on the opinion of his mother and, perhaps, by the type of such upbringing, he will need a wife-mother than a wife-lover and friend! Do you understand what relationship you are in? but you can continue to build relationships - even with such a mother you can find a common language - and it is important to become not a rival to her, but an ally !!! find something in common that unites you - this is a son - consult, ask - what he loves, how - she will see that you care about her son - this is important to her and when she realizes that you are NOT taking him for yourself, then she can also become to your side! Alexandra, all relationships develop in different ways, and they need to be built and adjusted based on specific situations, if you decide - you can boldly contact me - call - I will only be happy to help you!
Good answer 2 bad answer 1Hello Alexandra.
It is important to share what kind of relationship there is. You are the man, He is his mother and you are his mother. Inside each pair there is something of their own, not for the third. And that is why you cannot change the relationship between mother and son in any way, and she cannot and should not influence your relationship in any way. The fact that she does not offer you and her son to move into her apartment is her own business and she has the right to do so. Maybe she's lonely. And she cares about her comfort. Not about yours.
But when you write about wrestling, I get the feeling that you have chosen a way to achieve your comfort - discomfort in their relationship. Which actually does not directly affect the situation. Directly affects what is between you and your man. And if he wanted to live with you separately from his mother, his mother could not keep him. And if it can, then it either doesn’t really want to, or there are some other reasons. And that is why I propose to clarify the relationship within your couple in the first place. After all, it seems that the true addressee of your discontent is a man, and not his mother.
If it is important for you to understand in more detail these rather complicated relationships - come to an in-person consultation with your loved one or alone - we will look for a way out.
Sincerely,
Good answer 7 bad answer 1 
Hello Alexandra! you were able to love triangle when the son cannot decide whom he loves more, and whom he should obey his mother or wife. You and your mother-in-law pull him in different directions, measuring your strength. In this situation, it seems that the son is the worst, not you. It’s hard for you to fight, pull, and angry women threaten to tear him apart. In addition, he still feels dissatisfaction with himself on both sides. In such a situation, how to decide who he loves more? You want wisdom from your mother-in-law to let him go. And if you show wisdom yourself, or at least mind. Better yet, love. Let go, understand, accept. Show him that he is strong. He decides. Why don't you believe him? After all, he showed nobility and helped you in difficult situation. Then he did not think what mommy would say. You have good experience. Maybe apply it again?
Good answer 6 bad answer 0 
Good afternoon
Why did a mother give an apartment to one son, but did not organize another?
In my opinion, the question contains a hidden offense.
In this case, you look like a capricious girl "Bad mom, she won't give us an apartment." Why not make money yourself? Do not rent housing yourself? After all, you emphasized that you are independent, able to rent an apartment yourself. Or is it only in an observant and demonstrative position? :) After you demonstrated how independent you are, did you expect that your mother would believe and without fail give you an apartment? And she had her own plans for this apartment. Unfortunately, we sometimes miscalculate and people do not behave the way we would like, they also play, but in their own game. And it's really embarrassing. But in fact, it may be for the better, because you, living in HER apartment, will be dependent on it. She will be able to come to HER apartment, command repairs, furniture, at the same time your relationships, etc. and so on. And here you have all the cards in your hands - live separately and there yourself and command. How does the young man feel about living separately?
To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing to you. Maybe this is a cry of despair, maybe an attempt to understand for herself, to see from the outside. Don't know. Or maybe it's the hope that they will give me the key to how to get out. My problem has roots in deep childhood. To call my relationship with my mother difficult is to say nothing, they are sick, painful for both of us. I don't know how to describe it, it's hard for me to do it. The only thing I could do was write her a letter that she will never read because I will not give it to her, it is rather an attempt to free herself from the oppressive state of the soul.
Letter to mom.
I have a lot to tell, or rather I shouldn’t, but I want to. I want to finally reach your soul. And at the same time I'm afraid, and hands down. I know that this is impossible, you will never understand and feel me. Yes, you probably love me, probably, because financial assistance is by no means a guarantee of love - it's just an inner urge to compensate me for what it cannot give me your heart. I used to try to force myself to forgive you. After all, I love you, whatever you are, but now I understand that I can’t. Later, I learned to forget, just erase everything that happened to me from my memory. I have mastered this ability so skillfully that now I do not remember anything. Quite, very rare pictures from the past I can easily wrap in black paper and hide from my own consciousness. This, of course, does not solve the problem, but at least relieves pain and fear. You do not want to believe, but it's so I'm afraid of you and love you at the same time. I have a lot to say, but is it worth it?
How much jealousy I experienced in my childhood, you can’t even imagine how unbearably scary it was to go home with a deuce in the diary, how my heart sank into my heels when, having played, I suddenly heard the key turning in the door, but I didn’t vacuum. With what horror I went home if I was late. And your face twisted with anger at the moment when the belt painfully whipped over the body, and all these terrible words. I remember almost all the phrases you said, I can't erase them no matter how hard I try. And the further, the more painful it is for me to live with this, because little has changed since then. You stopped hitting me, and I don't need to be afraid that I didn't vacuum, but... words. The words remained, you still torment me with them, endlessly comparing and reproaching, endlessly reminding me that I am a terrible person and a bad daughter. You expect affection and warmth from me, but you don’t even think about the fact that you yourself once erected a wall between us, through which I can’t get over. And I really miss you, you are the way you were with your brother.
It is very painful to watch how the most important person in my life kisses my brother with unbridled tenderness, with love over the edge and indifferently on the go throws the praise “well done” to me, as if ashamed. Only once I tried to break through, and you turned away, pushed me away. Since then, I have no hope. But it still hurts. I want to say so much and so desperately fight with myself for fear of hearing more hurtful words in response.
I am an adult woman, I have been a mother myself for a long time. And now it hurts even more, because the last excuses for your behavior are lost. I could justify you with fatigue and a tough character, now I know that this is not an excuse. This is a vicious circle from which I have not found a way out. Now I want to hide from you, from your displeased face, from your reproaches and from your shame for me. And at the same time, all this is now mine: a displeased face, my reproaches and my shame for myself. It is very difficult to live with this, unbearable and painful.
I understand that this is not enough to understand what is happening, but I can’t describe it differently, maybe because once again we had a fight and for more than two months she has been ignoring me, and I understand that the further the less I want to make contact . Communicating with her, I constantly feel a sense of guilt and my own failure. Coming home from her, I feel completely destroyed. Many problems in my life are connected with the constant tension in my relationship with my mother. She puts pressure on me, I resist, as a result, everything goes awry. And I don't know how to live with it. I live, of course, I try to be better, wiser, but a little girl sits inside and it hurts. And with each quarrel more painful and indifferent.
Psychologist's comment:
Several points in your letter caught my attention that reflect a psychologically mature enough approach to how you are trying to cope with the difficult situation in which you find yourself.
For example, you are talking about the fact that a little girl is sitting inside, who is hurt and ill. I don’t know if you read something on this topic or just spontaneously described your condition in this way, but in psychology the inner world of a person is often divided into parts, or subpersonalities, and one of the most basic is inner child. It is the sum total of all childhood experience, that is, emotions, experiences, impressions from childhood, and if a person has accumulated a lot of pain, then they say that his Inner Child is sad, and a person often experiences feelings such as sadness, anxiety, hopelessness in life. And in moments when a person rejoices, shows his desires and emotions, spontaneity, creativity - this is the positive side of the Inner Child.
Then you say that you have mastered the skill of forgetting pain, of wrapping experiences in black paper so that they disappear from memory. In psychology, this process is called repression. Our waking consciousness is only part of the psyche, and besides it, we still have a huge unconscious part. Repression is a defense mechanism because a person cannot function while constantly in a state of pain. Therefore, memories and images associated with pain are removed from consciousness. Usually this process occurs beyond awareness, but you talk about it as if you are doing it on purpose. And that's good - if you can control the repression, maybe you can control the return.
The fact is that if you have forced some memory out of your memory, this does not mean at all that it is no more. It has become part of your unconscious. And everything that we are not aware of begins to control our lives. It will manifest itself through emotional problems, physical illnesses, unexpected reactions to something for ourselves, slips of the tongue, mistakes, difficulty concentrating, and many other manifestations. In short, forgetting is deceiving oneself that the problem has been solved. It has not been resolved, but postponed. And it will constantly knock on our psyche so that we remember it and solve it.
In writing, by expressing your feelings in words, you no longer repress them. Instead, take them out and take them out. It may seem that this is meaningless, but the fact is that in this letter it is not the purpose of it that is important, but the process itself. Throwing out feelings, you are to some extent freed from them. When you decide to write a letter, you refuse to behave the way you have behaved all your life - to endure, to be silent, to forget your pain. You are trying something new. And this is already very useful.
You yourself understand that that mother’s voice that you often heard as a child now lives inside and continues to make you feel shame, guilt, a sense of inferiority, even when your mother is not around. You haven't yet found a way to deal with this voice, but at least you've realized that it's identical to your mother's, which implies that it isn't your own in the first place. Once upon a time it was brought in, "implanted" into your psyche, and this means that there was once a time when it was not there. You were not born with it, and in principle it is not yours. But how to silence him and where to get another voice - these are already more difficult questions.
Of course, your case is very difficult, and it is unlikely that anyone can cope with so much pain and humiliation without outside help. That's what psychotherapists are for. In your letter, you can clearly hear the unsatisfied need for love, but also for warmth and acceptance. These are the most important and basic needs of both a child and an adult. And fate turned out so that in childhood the main person who took care of you - your mother - did not satisfy this need. There were reasons for this, but for us they are not important now. It is important to understand that it was wrong, to see that the girl was actually innocent, and she is good. She deserves love, even if there is no one around who could give this love to her.
The mistake that every person in the process of growing up and finding himself must discover is that it seems to us that mom is the only source of love for us in the whole world. And if this source is empty or, even worse, instead of water there is poison, or prickly needles - the person is very much confused and disappointed. He does not understand how to live in this world at all? This issue is resolved through the expansion of the picture of the world and the realization that the mother is not a source of love, but only its conductor. The source is behind it, it is great and exists for everyone, it is the Spirit, or God, call it whatever you want. And the conductor can be clean, which passes love through itself like light, or it can be polluted or blocked. But if the conductor does not conduct, this does not mean that there is no love. It is important to understand that love is your right. This love is poured into the space around you, and you need to learn how to find it and absorb it through other vehicles. This can happen through communication with friends, with animals, with other relatives, with psychologists, with nature, with art, and much more. And in this process, you develop the ability to experience love, acceptance and warmth for yourself, for that girl who lives inside and is waiting for them.
You absolutely rightly noted that just trying to forgive your mother is impossible and useless. Working out the relationship with the mother figure is a complex, multi-stage process that requires months, and sometimes years of systematic work. First, a person needs to experience the state in which he is loved and gain some support. Then you need to face painful childhood experiences with a new resource. This experience needs to be rethought from the point of view of the injustice of applying such an attitude to the child and to experience the rising feelings of indignation, protest, indignation and anger. All these experiences need to be realized, that is, brought out and lived. At first, it may seem like there are too many, but the therapist will accompany you and provide an opportunity to meet these feelings. When protest and anger exhaust themselves, a lot of sadness and sadness awakens in a person in relation to a child who did not receive a lot, who endured a lot of pain and who did not have any support at the same time. All this is to be lamented. Living through this as loss and grief is a very important part of the job and should be given as much time as it takes.
And only then can one begin to move on to trying to understand why mother behaved so immaturely and cruelly, through an analysis of the biography of mother and her own childhood, all the hardships that she had to endure. After all, one does not become a bad mother by one's own choice. Lack of ability to love own child comes from having a large number unresolved psychological problems at the mother herself.
Such a sad phenomenon, when a boy in a family is loved and cherished more than a girl, also has its reasons. As one of the versions - the belief about unequal treatment of the sexes in society, where men are destined for a life full of success and honor, and women - a heavy female lot, suffering and serving other people's needs. If your mother perceived her female fate in this way, she transferred it to her own children. And if she did not love herself, then she could not love her daughter, who was a continuation of her as a woman.
After working through the life of a parent, a person becomes able to put himself in his place and understand what the parent experienced when he raised him, to see not only his suffering as a child, but also the suffering of a parent. The parent whips the child with a belt from the experience of his deep helplessness, or maybe takes out his anger on him after he was insulted and humiliated by some other people from his environment, and maybe even his own parents. Having been “in his shoes”, seeing the world through his eyes, a person becomes able to understand a parent, to see that he is not an ideal omniscient person, which he seemed to be in childhood, or not an absolute monster, which he may also appear to be. This is just an ordinary person who has his good and bad sides, there is suffering and joy in life. And all the things he didn't give own child, he did not give, not because he did not want to, but because he did not have it to give, because he himself was a victim of pain, violence and dislike.
And if this process takes place, then only then does a person become able to forgive his parent and accept him as he was. And with this acceptance to see all the positive moments received in my childhood from the parent, which were hidden and buried under the weight of pain, blackness, and dissatisfaction. And if you clear them, then the fleeting experiences of children's happiness and fullness will open and return to consciousness. After all, there are always parents worse than ours. Sometimes they say that if you are not a drug addict, not in prison and not in a mental hospital, thank your parents. And since it seems that you do not belong to any of these three categories, besides, you have your own child - whatever it was, but your mother did something right. Just like this, today, you are not yet ready to accept it, to see what strengths you inherited from her besides the weak ones, to admit that the suffering that you experienced helped you become a more compassionate, sensitive person, to understand how to properly bring up their own children, etc.
It's only after all this long elaboration, where you basically communicate with your mom in your imagination, that you can go to your real mom and connect with her, and you will find that you feel very different around her. At the same time, you will still need to learn how to protect yourself from her sharp attacks in such a way that the conflict does not develop into a quarrel and open war, as it is now. Not communicating with your own mother for some time in adulthood is normal, and sometimes very useful, because it is possible that the mother herself will feel empty from the absence of a daughter. Mothers often act like they don't care if they have a daughter or not, but they always lie to themselves because the value and importance of having a child in a parent's life is enormous. It's just that when we start taking something for granted, we forget about it. The experience of experiencing such a deficit can serve as a motive for a mother to change her behavior towards her daughter.
I wish you to believe that the process of personal processing is available to you and can help you deal with all the pain that you found in your letter. You don't have to live with it all your life.
All the best to you!
Nadezhda Baranova
psychologist of the Center successful relationship from 2011 to 2016
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