In the local media, information that a teenager ran away from home or simply did not come home appears quite often. As a rule, at the request of the parents, the entire public, volunteers and the police rise up to look for the child. But it soon turns out that the young man went on a spree with friends, and the girl stayed up with her friend. As in the recent case with .

In such situations, first of all, parents have a question: “How to establish contact with the child after he returns home? To scold or, on the contrary, to show excessive care? Why do children revolt against the rules and parents, how can the latter establish relations with them, and is it possible to avoid these unpleasant and disturbing situations in family life. Svetlana Levenshtein, a psychologist at the Center for Social and Psychological Assistance to the Population, answered these questions of IA MariMedia:

— There are many reasons for children to run away from home: this is the desire to learn something new, unknown. For example, someone wants to go to Africa, and someone wants to go to war - children still do not understand what danger is, and death seems to them something unreal. A child may run away from home if his important basic needs are ignored: for love, respect and acceptance. They run from experienced tragedies, loss of loved ones, violence, abuse, from the lack of meaning in life, or even just from boredom, excessive pampering.

A common reason for running away is rebellion against parents and their rules. Children can run away from unfair punishments that are disproportionate to their act, and then be afraid to come home because of fear of another punishment. They run away from dysfunctional families. Moreover, outwardly, the family can be quite prosperous and wealthy. Most often, the reason for leaving home in such families is a conflict, which is based on a lack of understanding with parents. Basically, teenagers of 10-17 years old leave. Failure to understand the changes that are happening to them leads to the fact that parents seek to delay their development, establish control, try to return their childish obedience, which leads adolescents to rebellion. The latter do not like being treated like small children. Girls may be unhappy that they are forbidden to use cosmetics, wear desired clothes, control who they spend time with.

According to Svetlana Genrikhovna, to avoid children running away from home, you should adhere to the following rules :

- choose a punishment that is adequate to the age and misconduct of the child, try to understand the motives of his behavior;

- do not give the child an excessive load, he should have time to relax, communicate with peers, allow him to bring friends home;

- do not “act out” your problems on the child;

- bring up responsibility and independence in the child, at the same time accept him as he is and support him. Try to make sure that he addresses you with any problem;

Never threaten to kick your son or daughter out of the house if you do something wrong. Suppose they study poorly, start drinking alcohol, trying drugs, having sexual relationships, etc.;

- try to organize the leisure of a teenager, if he is busy with useful things, there will be fewer problems.

Distinguish shoots motivated and unmotivated. Motivated ones are associated with psychologically understandable reasons and stem from the very situation in which the teenager found himself - he left home after a serious conflict at school. Not knowing what to do, he chooses an extreme measure - leaving. The task of parents in this case is to explain to the child that there are many ways out of the conflict situation.

Motivated exits can turn into unmotivated ones. Care, as a form of response, can take hold, and in the future, a teenager can respond to any unpleasant situation by running away from home. The adolescent regards his new life as freedom from the hated school and home, he can earn his own livelihood, use alcohol and drugs, and acquire other life experiences.

Withdrawals and escapes can be a manifestation of mental illness, such as epilepsy and epileptiform conditions, manic-depressive psychosis, schizophrenia, dementia and mental retardation.

What do you do if a teenager leaves home?

IN adolescence the desire for contradiction is highly developed. Therefore, harsh measures that parents can apply to a child - locking him up - can only increase the desire of a teenager to break out of the house. It is necessary to analyze why your child is better on the street than with you? This requires a confidential conversation with a teenager, it is worth going to child psychologist to sort out the situation.

There are two categories of children leaving home. The first - the most numerous - are children, most often aged 9-14, from clearly dysfunctional families.

In such children, leaving home often develops into a tendency to wander, into dromania (obsession). The second category is children aged 13-16 from outwardly prosperous families, often with above-average incomes. Their reasons for leaving home have a deep psychological basis: rejection and uselessness, lack of emotional connection with parents. They often do this to draw attention to themselves.

If your child runs away, don't panic. To avoid accidents, make inquiries at the ambulance, the police. Carefully analyze the behavior and statements of the child for Lately. Find out who has seen him and interacted with him lately. Collect information about his friends and acquaintances, places of possible stay. When you see a child, try to be calm.

Talk to your child, listen to him and ask him to listen to you. When talking, be extremely frank and attentive. Let the child talk, do not interrupt him, do not reproach, even if it will be continuous accusations against you. If you are really guilty, admit your mistakes, apologize. Try not to discuss what happened, discuss only ways out of this situation and options for your future life.

Share your plans and worries with your child. He will take it as a concern. Always remember that no one needs him more than you.

If you encounter someone else's homeless child on the street, do not pass by, do not turn away, pretending not to notice him. Try to speak. Report it to the local authority social protection or the police.

Prepared by Dilyara Belova

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Such stories are considered miracles. Indeed, for a mother to find her daughter, who disappeared almost a quarter of a century ago, is a significant, happy and, at least, very unexpected event. On the eve, thanks to the attentiveness of the most ordinary tourist from Moscow, Yulia Nikolaevna, lost by relatives back in the 90s, was found in our city.

SLEEPING BABY

On May 27, the police department received a call from a tourist from the capital, who said that she was sleeping in the Kremlin Square in Tula. a little boy and none of the adults are with him. When the police were already at the scene, a woman with two children approached them and explained that she went shopping for a short time and did not want to disturb the child's sleep. She introduced herself, calling herself Yulia Nikolaevna, and assured that these were her children. But I could not provide documents proving my identity and confirming kinship. Therefore, together with the children, she was taken to the Central Police Department to clarify the circumstances.

Kremelevsky Square, where the boy was found Photo: Yandex

Escaped from the sect

It turned out that Julia was born in 1979. There was only one "but". The database indicated that Yulia Nikolaevna was considered dead for 11 years. - I have been in Tula with my children since December last year. Previously, in another region, she was under the influence of a religious sect banned in Russia for a long time, then she managed to free herself and escape, the woman told law enforcement officers. All this time she wandered, begging for alms. For help, the woman turned to Orthodox churches, she and the children were provided with temporary shelter. The only documents that mother of many children had and provided to the police, there were medical certificates from maternity hospitals in various regions about the birth of her three children. HAPPY REUNION

Since Yulia could not fully prove her relationship with the children, it was decided to place the children in healthcare facilities for examination and provision of the necessary medical care. The Tula police officers organized search activities based on what the “revived” woman could tell them. In the shortest possible time, they found relatives of Yulia Nikolaevna from Vologda. - At the age of 13, Yulia ran away from home due to a conflict with her parents. Parents filed a wanted list, for a long time the authorized bodies were looking for her, but in 2005, by decision of the Vologda court, the girl was declared dead, - Yulia's relatives explained. Yulia's mother arrived in Tula and after 24 years she immediately recognized her daughter.

SEVEN UNREGISTERED CHILDREN

After regular checks by the police, it was found out that Yulia G., together with her common-law husband Vasily Sh., lived for five months in a rented apartment in the Proletarsky district of Tula. They had seven children - three girls and four boys. The oldest child was 16 years old, the youngest 1 year and 3 months old. None of them had birth certificates, none of them had been to school or kindergarten. Julia and Vasily themselves did not work, the family was supported by donations from various religious and public organizations. The children were well-groomed, fed, had a neat appearance.

After conducting DNA tests, it was proved that Yulia and Vasily are the parents of the children. On this moment children are completing examinations, which, fortunately, did not reveal any health pathologies. After that, they will be sent to a rehabilitation center to provide pedagogical, psychological and social assistance. Parents are allowed to see their children, they constantly communicate with them.

PDN employees and representatives of guardianship authorities are engaged in issuing birth certificates for children so that the family can be finally reunited as soon as possible.

CLOSED CIRCLE WILL BE OPENED

One of their primary tasks that need to be addressed is the refutation of the fact of Yulia's death. Representatives of the internal affairs bodies will help her apply to the Vologda court to invalidate its decision many years ago.

This is necessary to at least get a passport, since 25 years ago in the sect she was forced to burn her birth certificate. With the receipt of documents, she will at least be able to buy bus or train tickets to get to her native region.

Julia says that in the sect she was forced to get rid of her first child, but she, along with her future husband, fled from aggressive fanatics. Since then, the family has been wandering around the cities of Russia. Several times they tried to register their children on Vasily's passport, but were refused due to Yulia's lack of documents.

Now the large family I began to break this long-term vicious circle, of course, not without the help of the employees of the Tula region, for which I am immensely grateful to them.

Many people want to leave home, but not everyone decides on this act. And those who do, often come back, because they do not know how to build their lives in a different way. After all, it is necessary to think over many questions, for example, where to go, on what means to live further. If you prepare everything in advance, leaving the family will be easy, and no one will worry.

The financial side of the issue

To live separately, you need funds. Money will be needed for food, clothes, housing. Calculate how much finance is spent per week on these expenses. Complete it all with payment mobile phone, the Internet, buying sweets, magazines and other things that complement the world, make it brighter. When the amount is determined, you need to start looking for a job.

You should not drop out of school, because life is long, and a diploma of education will come in handy. Therefore, you need to look for funds, but choose a convenient schedule. Today, many fast food chains invite people to work, you can be a waiter in a cafe or wash floors in any institution. There is work as a promoter, an interviewer, they bring income, but they can hardly be called stable. You should pay attention to freelancing: this is a remote Internet work that can be done even at night.

When a source of income is found, you need to hold out for 3-4 months and see if you can manage to live in such a rhythm. Combining study and work will not leave time for personal life, for walks with friends, for parties. But at the same time it will give material freedom. If during this period you realize that you are really coping, that you can live in such a rhythm for a long time, then you should think further about how to leave home.

Where to go

With your own funds, you can rent a house for yourself. A one-room apartment is enough for one person. You can also choose a cheaper option - a room in a hostel or in an apartment with a hostess. But leaving some people, suffering from their misunderstanding, you may encounter the demands of an outsider. That is why try to move to a separate space. Be prepared to be asked to pay months in advance. To reduce costs, you can rent an apartment for two, for example, with a friend or girlfriend.

Moving to a new home will be a holiday for many. But at the same time, it is necessary to notify all households that you will live separately. It is not necessary to tell the address, but it is important to say that everything is fine with you, that you are not going out into the street, but to a comfortable place. At the same time, you need to call regularly, say that everything is in order, talk about the successes and features of your life. Such care will not hurt anyone, and you will find yourself in good conditions, and relatives will not worry.

There comes a time when you want independence. In the parental family, everything is not as it should be, and this begins to annoy. In addition, it is not possible to resolve conflicts with loved ones. And finally, a plan for leaving Houses…

Instruction

First of all, think about whether you are ready for an independent life? Separation from the parental family is a difficult test for a person of any age, especially. You will now have to do everything yourself: pay for housing, do laundry, cook. Clothes, ironed, will no longer appear unexpectedly in the morning. And in order to have time to make breakfast, you will need to get up early.

If domestic difficulties do not scare you, but financial questions You have decided to find the right place for you. You are not limited by time, as when moving from a rented apartment, and you can choose the appropriate option for yourself as much as necessary. For starters, you can rent a room in a communal apartment or live with friends.

Try to talk to your parents and other family members and explain your behavior to them. In this case, you will act like a wise and adult person who has made a decision for his actions. In fact, it is so arranged in nature that sooner or later the young individual leaves the parental home to build his own life. If you do not know the instinctive program inherited from our ancestors, then scandals and quarrels can be explained by the poor education of the younger generation. But our innate mechanism begins to work in such a way as to cause conflict "

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According to statistics, about 50% of families experience children running away from home (leaving for several hours with the intention of running away is also considered a runaway).

The house in which a child grows and develops is not just a room with a desk and a bed. This is the place where the child should feel the safety and love of the parents. The statistics of teenage shoots (and this is the age of 10-15 years) indicates the impossibility of the child to feel comfortable in the family. Even the humblest living conditions may be a "place of power" and vice versa, locks with all the conditions may not keep a teenager in the family.

Escape from home is not an escape from the premises, but an escape from problems that the child can no longer endure.

Material security, a high level of physical comfort in the room will not serve as a guarantee of happiness and the desire to be at home. Only satisfied non-material needs can keep a teenager from thinking " Why don't I stay at the station for a while?»

The level of problem that prompted a teenager to decide to run away may be minor, from the point of view of parents or an outside adult. For most of us, childhood difficulties seem far-fetched and imaginary, solvable. But the child's psyche is so tense and absorbed in the problem that it is easier to run away from it.

From the point of view of a sane adult, leaving home is not a solution to the problem. But teenagers who see no other way out run away. Therefore, our adult views and solutions to these kinds of issues do not work with children.

It is important to realize that the actions of children are not spontaneous groundless decisions, but a reaction to external stimuli. The level of the stimulus is different, but always significant for the child. What are these irritants and how to eliminate them - we will consider in this article.

Reasons for teenage runaways

The main reason is always discomfort. At the same time, dissatisfaction reaches such a level that there is nothing left but to simply run away.

Escapes can be:

1. Motivated.
2. Unmotivated.

• Domestic violence: physical and psychological. They mock the child, use sophisticated methods of punishment, shout, scandal, humiliate, ridicule. This category also includes behavior towards a child, defined as a humiliation of the honor and dignity of a person;
• Lack of attention from parents (). Then the child decides to leave, feeling his uselessness;
• when the child is "loved". The teenager seeks to show independence, drink the forbidden Coca-Cola or meet friends;
• Authoritarian upbringing, when the child is perceived not as a separate person, but as a kind of addition to adults. The right to choose, own opinion and desires that are different from adults is excluded;
• Fear of talking about problems that are not related to household chores. For example, a boy fell in love with a girl from high society, and parents suggest that you need to look for an equal, etc .;
• Parent dependencies. A teenager runs away from the binges of his parents, gatherings of drug addicts in the apartment, etc.;
• Joining a destructive group: a religious sect, association with a local gang, when leaving home allows you to fully devote yourself to a new community.

Unmotivated runaways from home are an inadequate response to circumstances when a child responds to any difficulties by running away. Causes:

• Refusal of parents to fulfill a desire (buy something, take to a concert);
• Boredom. When, having nothing to do, a teenager is looking for adventure on his own head.

In a separate category, shoots should be singled out as a result of an illness when a teenager is not aware of his actions (schizophrenia, manic psychosis and other mental disorders). In such cases, the escapes are motivated by illness and not by the decision of the child. They can also leave the house.

What to do if the child ran away

If this trouble befell your family, then you need to act immediately:

What to do	For what
Look around the house and the child's room	Perhaps you will find a note or determine what things are missing: clothes, money, appliances. missing, for example, warm clothes talks about planning an escape for a long time.
Call all the teen's friends and their parents	Find out if one of them has your child or they know/assume the whereabouts. Emphasize to the children that you are not angry. It is the friends of teenagers who, with this approach, “surrender” those who have escaped.
Call your own relatives	Often children who want to escape from domestic problems turn to relatives they like or are close to.
Contact teachers, coaches	Perhaps you yourself missed something or forgot about an English lesson with a tutor. Estimate the time frame appropriately. If the child was late for half an hour - this is not a reason to call the Ministry of Emergency Situations.
Call the hospitals	Check to see if someone similar to your child has come to them.
File a missing child report with the police	Changes in legislation allow not to wait a day or three, but to act on the first day. If they don't want to take it, call the prosecutor's office.
Organize a search group of friends and acquaintances	Look in the most likely places where he most often visits or can go.
Post immediately to in social networks with a photo and description of a son or daughter	Spread it as much as possible. This is a very efficient way.
Do the above activities daily and non-stop	This will help to keep abreast of events if someone notices a teenager.

The teenager returned home: how to react to parents

The first thing to do after returning is to thank for being alive. Parents are overcome by diverse emotions: anger, resentment, disappointment. I would like to express everything out of indignation upon the arrival of the child. And yet, the task of adults is different:

1. Hug.
2. Report how glad you are that the teenager was found.
3. Reassure the child, because the moment of coming home is stressful. He does not know how you will react, he is afraid of scandals and showdowns. Spare him moralizing and hysteria.
4. If the child wants to talk, listen and listen to every word. Do not interrupt, do not express an opinion or dissatisfaction.
5. Warm up and eat.
6. Let everyone know your teen is home so they don't have to worry.
7. Tell him: " I was so worried about you. Despite all the reasons, we will solve everything. I don't have more than you and never will. We'll find a compromise and we'll work it out».

The most important thing is to make it clear that his family and home are exactly the place where they really love him, they need him and they don’t want to lose him.

What is forbidden to do when the child returned

Do you want to spoil everything and move on new shoots? Then express indignation, criticize his mental abilities (since he decided to run away) and get to the bottom of the reasons if the child does not want to talk.

Whatever negative feelings you experience when your teenager returns home, you can’t show them.

Forbidden:

• Punish for escape. The punishment will not eliminate the reason for the child's departure, but will only prove that the decision was correct;
• Use physical force, be, throw objects at a child;
• To inspire a teenager how badly he did with his parents, what an ungrateful tyrant he is and act as a victim. If the child left the family, it means that the situation in the family and the conditions are unbearable for him. Adults are responsible for this, not children;
• Ignore the teenager and not react to what happened in any way (both to leave and to return). By doing this, you will only demonstrate indifference to and unwillingness to delve into his problems, help and participate. This approach is a contribution to new shoots.

Signs by which you can predict the escape

Leaving home is a difficult choice. It is not easy and psychologically extremely difficult. Therefore, it is very difficult not to notice changes in the child's behavior. This:

1. Ignoring not only requests, but also parents as cohabitants in the house in principle.
2. Open criticism of the views, opinions, actions of parents.
3. Leaving home under any pretext: to friends, to the store, to get some fresh air, etc.
4. Closure, when you can’t get a word out of a teenager. From the outside, it looks as if the child is “in space”, thinking about something, plunged into his own world.

None of the signs guarantee that a teenager will actually run away, but in combination with the main reasons, they should alert. Especially if earlier child never acted like this.

If a 13-year-old homebody suddenly began to spend more time anywhere but at home, this is a signal that he is not comfortable being at home.

What to do so that children never run away

Being parents isn't easy. After all, the main thing is not to feed or wash the shorts, but to convey values ​​​​to the little person and wrap them in love. Sometimes this fails and the children leave. It's not about the child, but about the system of family relations that do not fulfill their functions. That's why:

• , trusted. Think about what qualities are important to you in friendship? And show them in relation to the child: listen, respect his position, laugh together, fool around, rely on each other.
• Treat your child as an individual. Some parents are convinced that their child thinks and will act like them. But it's not. Adults have their own views, children may have others. This is normal, so give your child the freedom to show up in ways you don't want.
• Never This is an indicator of weakness and inability to convey their thoughts in a human way. Work on yourself, learn to restrain yourself. Otherwise - a direct way to lose a child.
• Be dynamic. You don't like piercings, tattoos or pink hair daughters? It happens, but it's your child. So he adapts to the world and expresses himself. Instead of criticizing, discuss the merits of such surroundings and help to be beautiful: buy a quality hair dye or find a safe tattoo parlor. Soon the image of the child will change (only 1% of people wear nose rings for the rest of their lives), and trust in you and gratitude “for what you endured appearance will remain.
• Talk to your child, be interested in his life. Often parents are so busy and tired in the pursuit of material wealth that they do not communicate with their children at all. It is believed that physical presence in one room is sufficient.

Set aside time every day (let's say 15 minutes) to find out how the teenager is doing, what worries him, how to help. Listen and react, look for joint solutions. This allows you to understand "what world" the child is in and respond in time to the need to help.

• Let's get freedom. Do not let a 2 year old kid play on the playground without supervision is correct. But in relation to a teenager - it is wrong. 10-15 years is a period of active socialization, and communication with peers is important. Let the child go to friends, invite them to visit. But just don’t interfere in conversations, don’t eavesdrop at the door, and, moreover, don’t tell the child later “ I overheard this...»
• Don't limit normal things. Listening to music, youth jargon, the manner of communication are normal things for a teenager who is just “probing” life, looking for options and approaches. Don't like music? Ask to be quieter, but do not turn off. Don't understand the meaning of half of the words your angel says? Ask for clarification. Look for an approach through sincere interest and a desire to understand, and not through prohibitions.

Share your problems and life. This is one of better ways build trusting relationships.