Ekaterina Burmistrova child and family psychologist. Irritability
Burmistrova Ekaterina Alekseevna, psychologist
Born in 1973. Graduated from the Faculty of Psychology of Moscow State University, Department of Developmental Psychology. Mother of ten children. A year ago, her book "Pregnancy, childbirth, motherhood" was published.
Website: http://www.ekaterina-burmistrova.ru/
Calls to “solve the demographic problem” have become more frequent in the Orthodox environment. I had to meet families where there are a lot of children, and their education and upbringing suffer from this, the children are “pedagogically neglected”. One of my friends who grew up in large family, says: "I will have only one child, and I can give him everything." How not to go too far?
Dividing families into good and bad by the number of children is not entirely correct. A child should feel good both in a large and in a small family. The main thing is that there should be a good atmosphere, and that parents have enough strength for their children. It is even more difficult to raise one child than two, three, or four. And it’s hard for him - his parents expect a lot from him, put their hopes on him, he has a great responsibility.
The problem of pedagogical neglect is the problem of families where the child does not have enough attention, and this does not depend on the number of children in the family. And more often it is present in antisocial families, where parents are alcoholics, for example. As for giving your child “everything”... I notice among the Orthodox families I know a maniacal shift towards education.
Ekaterina Alekseevna, how to survive today big family? On what to rely morally and materially?
Morally rely on the church, on the spiritual tradition, on the community of people with similar priorities. Nowadays, there are fewer relatives, there are few grandmothers, aunts who are ready to help the family, while, for example, the children are small. And it’s good if there are close people nearby - from the temple, friends. People with many children, as a rule, are bright, talented people and somehow get out. Proverbs are remembered: “He who has many children is not forgotten by God”, “God has a spikelet for every mouth”, and so on. It has always been so, at all times.
Of course, it would be nice if the foundations, the state or the church would somehow purposefully help financially. Mom, while the children are small (and this time can stretch for decades if there are many children and they are born one after another), cannot fully help dad earn money. No one helps us in the parish, our parish is not focused specifically on social support, and this is normal. Sometimes some kind donors help us, and most importantly, one of the funds, specially organized for large families, helps. Of course, both my husband and I have to work - but this is good, the main thing is not to overwork.
Is it necessary to consult with the confessor, how many children to have, or is this a purely personal matter of the spouses?
It is always the choice of husband and wife, and the solution of the demographic problem is not a reason to give birth to a child. And there are many cases worthy of Kucherskaya's "Paterik" - when inexperienced young priests, hieromonks begin to interfere in marital relations - this is a strange picture. Yes, there is also a dangerous situation in large families - when people give birth, adopt children not by vocation, but by someone's persistent advice. And often this happens: people did not plan, but became large families. And happy with it.
Many family people believe that children are the main thing. What do you think about it?
In marriage, the most important thing is adults and the quality of relations between spouses.
Children are a continuation, a consequence of these relationships. And the inner selfish tendency of children to take center stage should not be supported by their parents.
First of all, children have to grow up. They form their families and leave. Therefore, a married couple that puts children at the forefront, and not the relationship between husband and wife, will face a crisis when the children grow up and leave their parents. Not every couple (especially in our time) can have children for health reasons, not every couple is ready for adoption. In our cultural setting, childless families are more vulnerable. And it’s sad when a childless husband and wife are unhappy in marriage, not because they don’t have children, but because it’s a kind of attitude imposed by society: “children are a must.” That is, even without children, they perfectly complement each other and build relationships, and society tells them that this is not possible, they need children. And people suffer.
Children are a wonderful goal, but if other goals are leveled in the family due to this (relations between spouses, self-development) - this is a crisis. Between dad and mom (no matter how many children they happen to have) there should be living feelings - it is pure love between parents that is the family hearth around which mentally healthy children can grow up. As they say, "children are in fashion now, but fathers are not." This is a sad joke about such family situations, when the attention and care of the mother is unequally distributed between the children and their father.
But it's really hard to avoid it. How not to be in such a situation?
"He went to work, she went to the child" - uh this is exactly the wording that a young family should be afraid of like fire. Mom is doing the most worthy thing: devoting maximum of her time to raising a new person. Dad is also busy with a very worthy business - he is this “ family project» provides, in addition, simply does its job well and responsibly and grows in this business.
The problem is that if the mother continues to be with the child almost non-stop for the second and third year (and now in many, especially Orthodox families, this has come to be considered good form), then the daily impressions of the spouses and their main activities are so different that they gradually there just isn't much to talk about. Or the range of evening family conversations narrows down to what product of which manufacturer is best for a child to buy.
Of course, a lot depends on what kind of backlog in the relationship between the spouses was before the birth of the child. How much holds them together.
It can be joint hobbies, spiritual values, friends, impressions, experiences. The more potential topics for conversation, the higher the likelihood that by the end of the child's second year of life there will be something to talk about to his parents.
In addition, you need to carefully monitor that your adult piggy bank of impressions, your "commander's reserve" of mutually interesting topics is constantly replenished.
How to teach children love in the conditions of its huge deficit? How to teach them not to be consumers in relationships with peers, with parents?
Speaking of parenting needs. Does a mother in a large family have the right to some time "for herself"? For your education appearance, hobby? Or is it all to the detriment of the family?
Definitely has. It is useful for everyone, and children in the first place. Every person should have time for themselves. And it is easier for a mother who devotes some time to herself to come to a state where she can give something to her children. They should understand that this is normal, that mom also wants to read a book. She has hobbies, hobbies and friends. Mom has a little "her" time, and it is sovereign. Incomplete absorption, incomplete dissolution in children is important.
In a traditional society, parents in a large family made a bet on children in a sense - children ensured a peaceful old age. And the grown-ups were already the breadwinners. Today, having many children is completely unprofitable. One solid investment. Is it possible to expect some return from children? Should children be motivated to this bestowal, even if not now, in the future?
It is possible and necessary. On the one hand, you should not treat children as a long-term investment project, on the other hand, you need to educate them in this ability to give back. How to teach it? behavior is modelled. Children watch how parents themselves behave with their elderly parents. And, what is happening in many families now is not a step towards progress, but a step towards the collapse of the family - when parents live out their days in nursing homes.
How to teach children goal setting? How to teach to strive to achieve the chosen goal?
After the child begins to perceive himself as a person - to talk about himself in the first person - that is, from about three years old, you can talk about goal setting. How? Suggest tasks, activities, some simple chores around the house, or it can be just creative tasks that are interesting to the child - you just need to help him to bring them to the end! This is very important point- to teach the child not to give in to the first difficulty that has arisen, to support in failure, to praise for the result, somewhere to “outwit” the child’s unwillingness to finish something, not to let him leave, leaving what he started. Set a goal - you need to bring the matter to the end. Goal-setting at school age is brought up through the implementation homework and help with the housework, taking care of pets, if any.
Almost all people make it their goal to be happy in marriage - is this right? How to achieve this?
It's hard for me to talk about this topic. I have always believed that happiness is an additional attribute, it complements marriage ... But whether it is worth making it an end in itself - I have doubts. Happiness often does not depend on circumstances, and people in very difficult circumstances can be happy, and vice versa. If the newlyweds set this goal for themselves and are ready to work on themselves in order to please each other, this is wonderful.
Interviewed by Ivanna Khmelnyk
School of Ekaterina Burmistrova "Time Management for Parents" received the best reviews
We present to you a popular child psychologist and family psychotherapist, mother of 11 children, Ekaterina Burmistrova, who has been successfully conducting seminars and trainings for parents, as well as specialists in the field of raising children for many years.
Ekaterina Burmistrova, a psychologist with over thirty years of experience, is an active member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists. Currently, Ekaterina conducts her studies within the framework of the popular Ursa Major School of Conscious Parenthood, which brought together many well-known experts in raising children.
Popular family therapist and child psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova has several higher educations in psychology. She received her first education at Moscow State University, having received a specialty age-related psychology and developmental psychology. She then studied at the prestigious Center for Non-Rative Practice and Psychology.
Ekaterina Burmistrova's courses and trainings allow you to establish calm and joyful relationships in any family with children, regardless of their number. Her more than twenty years of experience as a "young mother" with 11 children successfully confirms this.
Ekaterina works with those who need her help both individually and in groups. He also provides Skype consultations.
Ekaterina Burmistrova is also known as the author of popular books on parenting with excellent reviews from readers, based on the author's methods in child psychology. He writes articles that are also in demand among both young mothers and other psychologists involved in child psychology.
In addition, Ekaterina Burmistova is the founder of the Club of Large Families and the Family Club, which have the most best reviews from participating parents
Ekaterina Burmistrova has created more than 15 training programs on child and family psychoanalysis. The most relevant at the time of writing this article author's books and programs are presented on this page of this site.
If you want to know about other trainings and seminars by Ekaterina Burmistrova, as well as about the time of both paid and free online events of this psychologist, please subscribe to the author's newsletter. To do this, download any free practical mini-course, for example,.
Books by psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova
The best-selling book “Family Time Management. A book for parents who want to "find it all"
Other books by Ekaterina Burmistrova
Book "Modern family. Psychology of relationships". This book was written jointly with Mikhail Burmistrov.
Book “School for parents. Parenting children from 0 to 4 " .
bestselling book “Children in the family. Psychology of interaction» .
Book "Irritability. Method of overcoming " .
Free practical mini-course by Ekaterina Burmistrova "Mother Almighty"
Complete five exercises that will change your understanding of time management tools
Ekaterina Burmistrova. Free video cheat sheets for parents with children ages 1 to 7
Free mini-course “Letters from childhood. How to unravel student behavior
3 supporting writing practices
A series of ten video online lectures “Mother Almighty. time management for parents
Recording an online video course consisting of 10 lectures.
- Lecture 1. . For free .
- Lecture 2. Useful and proven tools.
- Lecture 3. Author's practices and developments.
- Lecture 4. Children's time management: fantasy or reality?
- Lecture 5. Family: harmonization of paces and rhythms.
- Lecture 6. Chaos as a lifestyle and other options.
- Lecture 7. Inheritance chests.
- Lecture 8. Mobility and flexibility.
- Lecture 9
- Lecture 10. Choosing your tools.
First lecture "Like a squirrel in a wheel" offered free of charge.
Lecture "Like a squirrel in a wheel"
You can purchase recordings of all nine paid lectures (“Standard” package) or separately buy lectures #2-#5 (“Our Time” package) and lectures #6-#10 (“Order” package).
The name of Ekaterina Burmistrova is well known to readers of magazines for parents, there are her publications on the 7th. Even reading the article diagonally, you will certainly snatch out in the signature - "psychologist, mother of nine children." So we decided to talk about the combination of these hypostases with Ekaterina Burmistrova, today she is already the mother of ten children - two boys and eight girls. The eldest daughter is 17 years old, the youngest son is a month old.
- Katya, were there any prerequisites for large families in your parental family?
I grew up as an only child in an incomplete family. My father is from a family with five children. But this was not a Moscow family, I had no connection with it, no cultural continuity.
But the grandmother who raised me, my mother's mother - she was one child of seven children. And they were all very close to each other. Not everyone survived there, someone died in the war. There were three or four of them left, and they were all very friendly. The uncles were from different cities: we were the only ones living in Moscow, so everyone stopped by on our way. And for the summer, all the children-grandchildren were sent to the southernmost brother. Hence, probably, I have a feeling what relatives mean - my grandmother wrote a huge pile of postcards for all holidays.
- And in childhood, in your youth, did you think that you would have a big family?
— No, not at all. People who were friends with me in the last grades of school, close friends, now say: we were sure that you would have many children. But I had an idea that everything would be like my mother: that I could not build a family, I would get divorced, and that there were no men at all with whom I could build a family. It seemed to me that a normal family is not very possible at all.
In general, in large families, one should be interested not in mothers, but in fathers. After all, such a family exists only when a couple has formed. Yes, a woman bears and feeds, but for these babies to become human, a man is needed.
And how did you find such a man?
- It's generally amazing how at such a young age someone can find someone. Here is such a gift. I then studied at the psychology faculty of Moscow State University and worked.
Why did you choose psychology?
- My choice of the profession of a psychologist was influenced by the mother of a classmate who was just a psychologist. She was the only parent I knew who didn't yell and spoke normally to teenagers. And I decided that I want to learn the same way. In the tenth grade, I left my advanced mathematical school - I had to earn money for tutors in order to enter the psychology department of Moscow State University. It was an amount that was equal to the salary of my mother. I changed school to evening school and went to work for the parents of my friends as a laboratory assistant.
- But then you studied at the university as a full-time student? How did it fit in with work?
“But I have always worked. I always knew that I should have my own money. For clothes, for trips - for what my mother does not want or cannot give. Do you need to go to the cafe for something? Should I buy rings? In general, there was a feeling that you need to work.
When I entered the university, I began to help teach classes for children two or three times a week. My friend's mother had a friend who led many circles, and she needed an assistant. Then I worked on an after-school program in one of the first private schools - this was also a project of one of my friends' mothers. I worked as an assistant in a private kindergarten - I also remember with pleasure. It was the 90s, a lot of new things appeared in the field of children's creativity and development, and everything was interesting.
And starting from the third year, study, one might say, has become an application to work. In the third year, in 1995, our eldest daughter, Sonya, was born. When she was a year old, I was simply bursting with parental experience. Plus, the knowledge gained - my specialty at the university was "developmental psychology". And I came up with the first program for children from one and a half to three years old with their parents, and began to lead such groups. Now there are studios for the little ones with drawing, modeling, movement, games and motherly communication in literally every yard, and in those days people traveled through the whole city.
— Tell us a little about this phenomenon — parent clubs.
- They work with couples at the stage of preparation for pregnancy. Then already established parents come there - to improve contact with the child, resolve some pedagogical difficulties, and improve their psychological culture. It seems to me that this is a phenomenon of a big city, where people often live in isolation, without the support of loved ones. In those clubs where I now give lectures - "Christmas" and "Jewel" - a very interesting environment has arisen, such a field for the transfer of experience.
I wrote my diploma on the basis of what I did in my classes, and I passed the state exams with my second daughter in my stomach, with Masha. And at this time I had more and more group classes - children's creative studios - not exactly the work of a psychologist. But this, as I now understand, helped me to see many mothers with children, to imagine how their relationship develops, which was very useful in the future.
So there were lectures about the first year of life. And then lectures, courses grew with the children. We can say that each child brought with him a new program, sometimes more than one.
The program "The first year of life" appeared when this life stage was completed with the first daughter. The program of children's creative studios, with which I started, is also connected with it. The program "Second children" (now called "Children in the family") was made possible thanks to the second child. With the 3rd and 4th child, the programs "Tender Age" (about age features children from 1 to 5 years old) and "A Child with Character" - about the difficulties of education.
- Did someone with character appear in the family then?
— Yes, there were such citizens. When the fifth child appeared, the eldest daughter went to school, someone went to kindergarten, the program "The Child Goes Out into the World" was born - about socialization, choosing a kindergarten, school, adapting to both. Then, after the birth of my fifth child, I began to lead the Club of Large Children - and have been leading it since then every month for almost 9 years now. Different people go there, as a rule, at the stage of the third or fourth child.
Our next children are twins. Together with them, the programs "Psychology of family relations" and "Work with anger" appeared. Of course, I gradually "outgrew" some of the programs - they were relevant to me as a specialist and as a mother when I compiled them. But for listeners with their first child, for example, they are still good.
Interestingly, during pregnancy as a boy - we have two of them, one is four years old, the second was born just recently - for some reason it is better written. I wrote most of the articles for magazines and websites during these periods.
Family time management
- And who stays with the children when you work?
- At first, grandmothers were alive, and then nannies began to appear. But we did not take a nanny for a full day, but only for the time of our absence from home. This seems to me to be very a good option- you can cheer up. I am an extrovert, I need impressions all the time.
Since the children appeared, I have not worked anywhere at a rate, always freelance. And I always knew exactly how much energy to leave at home. Never worked in the summer, never worked during the holidays. True, this luxury must be worked out, that is, before the holidays, work more intensively.
Now our nanny's help has been reduced to the following: for several hours a day, she helps with the housework and performs the functions of an adult in the family. That is, during our absence, he will clean up and cook everything, look after the smallest ones - those who are not in the garden and not at school, meet those who return from the kindergarten or school. On it lies this part of the routine maternal work. I think that if it were not for the opportunity to hire assistants, there would not be so many children.
Yes, there are mothers who do everything themselves. I think it's very hard. The volume of household work, which there is no one to share with ... I can hardly imagine that I would cook a five-liter pot every day. But if the nanny suddenly doesn't come out, we won't die. Now the eldest daughters have grown up, and I can guess everything so that I can go to a lecture or consultation in the evening, and the girls will stay for the elders. I do not abuse it - children study at the gymnasium, art and music schools.
The most difficult period is when all the children are small. And it seems to me that this is one of the factors why people stop at three or four children. In general, this is a milestone: the husband says that he was just thinking about 3-4 children initially. This is such an amount that you can still grow by the standards of a small family, just straining very hard. There is less selfishness, less competition, many advantages - and this is something foreseeable. We have a lot of people among our acquaintances who have settled on 3-4 children. I really respect this choice.
— Frequent pregnancies and childbirth does not affect your health, the health of children?
- I would not say. For me, on the contrary, the state of pregnancy is comfortable, I feel better. I think that in general the frequency with which people give birth (if they are not protected, of course) is, first of all, the individual mood of the organism. After all, it happens that they give birth once every five years.
But I see that the difference is in the region of two years - for many. And I don't see her as small.
Until what age can you breastfeed?
— Usually before the fourth month of pregnancy. Who cares. We have two differences between children - 1 year 10 months and two and a half years. Those who are born in a year and ten, breastfeed up to a year and three, and those who are born in two and a half, up to about two years.
I am not a supporter of feeding after two years. And did not feed longer, even if it worked. From my point of view, delayed breast-feeding greatly affects both relationships and the development of egocentrism.
- It turns out that what you are now trying to convey to your parents is personal experience superimposed on the base of psychological knowledge.
- And the experience of counseling. The first years after graduation, I did not work as a counseling psychologist - although I had a diploma, formally I could do it. It seemed to me that the experience was insufficient and the responsibility was very great.
Then I realized that I can advise on issues child development- after seven years of conducting groups and lecturing. And then it became clear that it was useless to be a child psychologist, because the problem is almost always not in the child, but in the family. And it is necessary to work with adults, preferably with a couple.
When I studied, there was no specialty at the psychological faculty " family psychology". Therefore, in fact, already practicing in this area, after studying for another 2 years, I received a second psychological specialization and became a member of the Society of Family Counselors and Psychotherapists.
And then it became clear that we had to dig deeper. It happens that a person understands everything at the family level, but he has some difficulties at the personal level. I went to get a third specialization, also a two-year education - the direction of "narrative psychology".
- For those who come to you for a consultation, is it important that you have many children?
- For some reason, yes. For some reason, they believe that this affects the quality of counseling. And everyone wants to know how our family works. And a classical psychotherapist cannot talk about himself, so this narrative approach suited me very well. There is a position of transparency: if you are asked, and you do not mind answering, answer.
It seems to me that counseling is the most meaningful kind of work with families.
Lectures are useful as a summation of experience, because people grow up outside the family culture. Our generation and the generation of our parents did not receive the pedagogical heritage that was apparently obtained in the family, when many children grew up at the same time, when everyone knew what to do. My children - they own it, a seven-year-old can entertain a baby, he knows these games. And we sit at lectures with adults - we learn nursery rhymes. Because this experience is interrupted. And he is needed. And this missing piece of experience can be filled with lectures, classes.
Now I have two sites: personal and the site "The Family Grows" - about the development of the family and relationships in it.
How is your time divided between work and family?
- I now get four to five days a week with a load of 4-6 hours. My husband and I are saved by the fact that we are both freelancers. Every year this schedule changes: you have a lecture that day, so I don't have a lecture; when you have appointments this week, let me adjust my schedule. My husband has two classes - for the soul and for earnings. For the soul, he teaches philosophy, and for earnings he is engaged in book trade, mostly second-hand.
The rest of the time I'm with the kids. I used to think that you love children more when you leave them. But now I have matured like a mother - I can read with pleasure, walk, sit with them for a long time.
- You have to take children to school, to kindergarten, to classes - all this is not near the house?
We were lucky, we had wonderful garden in our area, some it was atypical. But now the manager has changed, and now we will not go there anymore. We will again look for some non-state places: perhaps the younger ones will go to the Waldorf kindergarten, where the older ones used to go.
I think that the garden is needed, but not as a place where you rent a child for the whole working week. the family needs a garden to dilute the relationships that exist at home: so that children can play not only with brothers and sisters.
The husband drives schoolchildren in the mornings - for this you need to give a separate medal. Back - there are drivers, someone drives himself. By the way, for two years now, volunteers from "Mercy" have been helping us a lot - wonderful guys, students - taking them to additional classes. It seems to me that such help is very necessary for families with many children in a big city.
How are parents with many children different from others? Or who becomes parents of many children?
— I thought about it a lot. Firstly, these are energetic people - after all, energy is really needed. People are very lively, charismatic - they should command the front! And they got involved in the process of parenthood: for some reason, they considered that it was right that way - it was their decision, and not imposed from outside. Not a gypsy guessed. And it was not the father who said that it is impossible to protect yourself. And the "ideological" large families scare me. This is still a family decision, and here it is important, firstly, arbitrariness, and, secondly, consistency. Every time it personal history why a person chooses to have many children - or cannot refuse it.
The girl graduated from Moscow State University. Studied developmental and child psychology. Psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova practiced inside family clubs, at creative studios. Then she realized that children's problems always become parental. Especially the expert concentrated on family psychology.
The psychotherapist has been engaged in professional activity for more than 30 years. Exchanges experience with the society of consultants, as well as psychotherapists. At courses, trainings, you can get information on how to build a calm and joyful union, especially if there are children in the family.
Courses and books by Ekaterina Burmistrova
The author has developed over 15 trainings that help moms and dads in child psychoanalysis. She manages and leads educational meetings and courses that are designed for parents. The coach works in groups on relationships within the family, as well as support in difficult situations. The author of the courses, if necessary, conducts personal consultations. Runs his own online school.
Educational meetings from a psychologist have the following areas:
- Psychological relief, training for parents;
- Conducting activities with kids preschool age;
- Psychological support for large families.
The trainer also offers individual consultations. The expert gives recommendations on building a model of behavior with the younger generation in the family, between spouses. You can get recommendations on the topic of education from the author of the courses.
The psychologist offers both group and individual approach to resolve issues. If necessary, conducts consultations at a convenient time for clients. Ekaterina Burmistrova writes books that are dedicated to child education. Most of the works have positive reviews. In the literature on psychotherapy, you can find information about many psychological techniques developed by the author.
Being a psychologist is difficult, being a mother of many children is no less difficult, and combining these two roles is even more difficult. But Ekaterina Burmistorva copes. She is a well-known family therapist, child psychologist, and writer. And at home - just a wife and mother of eleven children.
This man probably knows what motivates a woman to create a large family. She knows how to raise every child from a large family in the spirit of respect for family values and striving for self-development. She knows how to help a mother of many children so that she becomes a worthy example for her children.
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Children from large families
“A mother-psychologist is a separate mother and a separate psychologist. Of course, I am not saying that professional knowledge is not applied at all in the family, but these positions should not be confused. Because it would be unfair to relatives.
“As a psychologist, I have learned to track and understand my own and children's reactions, characters and individual differences. But all my theoretical knowledge ends at the moment when I react to the situation like an ordinary person. Sometimes I even think: here the psychologist would react like this, but I will react differently, ”says Ekaterina.
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“Children of psychologists and teachers are always at risk. First of all, because it is a very burning profession. If a person does not dose his workload at school or with clients, he comes home and does not want to see children at all, is not ready to be attentive and talk to them in general. Because he did this for many hours at work,” the psychologist comments.
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“The hormones of pregnancy and lactation are a powerful drug. I have 11 children. The eldest is 24 years old, the youngest is three. I love movement and intensity. The prolactin cycle is addictive - it also gives a very special feeling. My husband initially had a mindset for 3-4 children, and then the process began - and I got involved. All the time there was a feeling that this was not all. As if someone's place at the table is empty. But after 11 children, it began to seem that the box was full.
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“I would be scared to have one child. I am the only child in the family and as a psychologist I work a lot with such parents. I don't think I could handle one child. Losing an only child is terrible, and it seems to me that this is generally an unnatural amount. But we do not broadcast our reproductive choice to the masses, and in general, in such an economic and social situation in the country, it is wrong to call for large families,” Burmistrova admits.
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All these specialists should coexist in their parents. In a large family, simply loving children is not enough for their normal development.
“After the fifth child, the usual formula for communication and interaction stops working. And manageability. Other qualities are needed - managerial and incredible self-organization. If you can't build a working system, you'll burn out and go crazy. You need good systems thinking and an excellent processor from both parents. You need the ability to multitask: solve several issues, have several dialogues.
“And also the ability to lower the bar in many ways. Mothers of many children are extraordinary managers who manage to look great, work and do everything. These are not exhausted and not tortured women. Personally, I am a maniac of efficiency, ”- Ekaterina is successful in everything, but success does not fall on her head on her own, she achieves it.
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“Detocentrism is very harmful, but the family has little chance of avoiding it. If you have an only child - and he is the only one for the whole family, including all generations - he will be the center of the universe. Because no matter how hard we try to avoid child-centrism, the emotional significance of such a child will not decrease, because he is the crown and culmination of the chain of generations.
“The ability to distribute attention is formed in parents on the second child - the so-called two-channel thinking. The most difficult thing is to divide one into two, and then it's easier. So two to four children is a humanely relaxing amount.”
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“First of all, you need to find time for yourself. You are the pilot of the ship. Or a truck driver. You are carrying passengers or very important cargo. The whole team depends on you - on your ability to respond, on the sobriety of your eyes, on your stress resistance. When you put yourself at risk, you put everyone else at risk."
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“The more people in the family, the more important it is to respect personal boundaries. Despite the fact that we do not have the opportunity to provide everyone with a separate room, the children clearly know how important it is to remember each other's boundaries. To take someone's thing, you need to ask permission. My children, for example, do not wear things one after another,” says Ekaterina.
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Democracy in a large family. Children declare their desires, but at the same time learn to consider the desires and needs of others. There is no hierarchy or hazing between children. The oldest child in a large family performs his duties in the same way as his juniors do. Everyone stays busy.
The rights of the child in a large family no one limits from the outside. It is not necessary. He himself comes to understand that he needs to reckon with his brothers and sisters. The family becomes for him a small model of society. In children from small or incomplete families, the propensity for socialization is much reduced.
