Second marriage - second child. Non-native child Living in a family with a non-native child

The first shock has passed. Thank you all for your support.
The main thing is that constructive thinking has returned.
1) I agreed at work with my boss (luckily for me, she also turned out to be pregnant and easily entered my position) that I would be paid maternity benefits based on the full salary - in total for 6.5 months with twins. This money is enough for about 1.5 years, taking into account that my current nanny-assistant will stay to pick up the child after kindergarten and take him to courses and for one trip in the summer with the whole family somewhere, apparently not far away - I don’t want to take the kids to the sea. There is also a cottage of 24 acres, where children will have expanse. Far away, true, but clean air;
2) After 1.5-2 years, I still want to go to work. So far, my current salary is enough for both a household assistant and a nanny. No one, of course, knows what will happen in 2-3 years. But I hope that it will be enough in these few years.
3) I came up with the idea of ​​renting out my apartment in Moscow and renting in the Moscow region - the difference is significant. And this money will again go to the budget. It remains only to look for a decent school and choose the area.
4) I'm setting up friendly relations with husband. I involve in the search for a school for the child, the choice of a doctor, a maternity hospital. Discussed his terms of reference after my birth. He says he is ready to help. Today I sent him for an interview - I hope they will take him. If you manage to arrange it at my suggestion, it will be easier to agree on the part of the salary that he will give to the children. But yesterday he confirmed his intention to earn and help us with money. We continue to live separately. I plan to maintain friendly relations with him in the future - in this case, this is the most optimal so far.
5) I agree with grandmothers about what kind of help someone can provide - sit, take a walk. I make schedules, I listen to wishes. I won't force anyone, of course. I don't want to throw my problems onto other people's shoulders. But they seem to want to help. God forbid that desires do not run dry.
6) Friends collect dowries for children. There seems to be a lot of stuff. This item of expenditure is slowly disappearing. What a blessing to have friends!
Thanks to all those who supported me here. It helped me a lot to get my fighting spirit back and keep moving forward. Thank you for your positive feedback, kindness and honesty. You helped me get out of a state of depression that threatened to develop into a chronic one. Thanks again to everyone!!!
Separately, I would like to say a few words to people who, apparently, find some kind of sadistic pleasure in the fact that someone is blasphemed, condemned, rude, uncivilized and insulted, without really understanding the situation. It only speaks of your narrow-mindedness, stupidity and malice. Thankfully, there aren't many of you. I remind you that the topic of this topic does not include a discussion of the reasons that led to this situation. Believe me, if I wanted to ask you about it, I would have done it. But I'm not interested in your opinion on this matter. I only briefly described the situation so that the picture is fuller and excludes some additional questions. Everything is not as obvious as it seems to your meager mind. If you want to take out your anger on this world, choose another place. And if you have nothing to say on the subject of the topic, get out of here. I am sure that for people who are so overwhelmed with anger and rudeness, things themselves are not so smooth in this life.

A stepfather is a very complex but relevant topic. It is not uncommon for a man to want to start a family with a woman who already has a child. The issue of education in such a family is quite acute, because it is more difficult for a stepfather, because it is one thing to raise a child from birth, step by step, and another when he has already developed his own character, views on life and his relationship with his parents. Priest Dmitry Berezin, head of the online magazine for dads "Batya", tells how "adoptive" fathers should act in such a situation.

According to statistics, in 2012 there were 650 divorces for every 1,000 marriages. With a high probability former spouses could be children. you imagine: white Wedding Dress, plans for life, congratulations from friends, hopes of parents, and all this in 65% of cases ends in a break, quarrel, scandal, distorted lives. The problem is aggravated if children were born in such a marriage - the burden falls heavier on their fragile shoulders than on the parents.

If a divorced mother with a child remarries, the new husband suddenly becomes a father or stepfather. There are a lot of features here: first of all, it is important what kind of family it was before the second marriage, what was the reason for the divorce. It is also important what kind of relationship the child had with the father in that family, and whether they existed at all. It happens that men, having learned about their wife's pregnancy, leave the family in the first months or years of a child's life, when they realize how hard it is and how much they don't want to carry it all on themselves, which they have to give up. It happens that discord in the family occurs when the child is already old enough. It matters how much time passes before the conclusion of a second marriage, what age and character the child has. There are a lot of important details in this issue.

- Sometimes it happens that the child did not know his own father.

In this case, the new dad is easier. When a man simply appears in the family, if the child is still small, and he did not know his own father, it is much easier for him to understand that this is his father. Probably, when the child grows up, especially if the family establishes a good relationship, it will be possible to tell him that this dad is not native.

At an older age, even if the child did not know the father, the feeling that the father is somewhere will accompany him, the child will subconsciously look for native features in unfamiliar men. There is a situation when children in orphanages call strangers mom or dad - they really want it to be mom or dad.

If the child's father died under certain circumstances, or heroically, or for some other reason, the child understands that the father is dead, and this is much easier to accept. And when dad left somewhere, then living with it, knowing that there is a dad who doesn’t love you, or maybe loves you, but you don’t know him, is much harder. And then new man in the family, at first, it is perceived with hostility for a very long time. Boys will begin to show a certain male jealousy.

- How can a new dad start building relationships with a child?

In relations with a child, there should be a long, sometimes very long process of gaining trust, friendship.

In most cases, divorce is painful, especially for a child. Even when outwardly everything goes quietly, the child understands perfectly well that something very terrible has happened to him, because mom and dad now live separately. If the relationship between spouses is in the nature of confrontation, the child may be forced to take sides, for example, to live with mom and support dad.

But the saddest thing is when one spouse sets the child against the other - this is the triumph of adult egoism, and this inflicts severe psychological or, better, moral trauma on the child.

Children are in some way manipulators, they feel weak and try to use it. For example, if a father indulges, pampers a child, then, having come to his mother, he can say: “But dad buys me, but you don’t buy, so dad is good, but you are bad.” And the new dad will have to take into account all these nuances and pass all this through himself, and for him it will be a huge job.

The most important thing is to gain the trust of the child. How is a very personal question. It should not be a bribe, it should be, in my opinion, daily thoughtful work.

- What other difficulties can the “adoptive” dad face?

The role of the “adoptive” dad is very unenviable, because the father can both punish his child and say something rude, in other words, he has certain repressive measures that are not necessary to apply, but the child knows that dad can do it. In a new family, the new dad is not yet an authority, he cannot do this, he has no right, and, in principle, it is difficult to imagine a situation where he will have such a right.

He will need to step over himself over and over again, otherwise he will simply lose that spiritual intimacy with the child, which he could develop gradually. If he is more selfish in his family role, then he will become just a kind of uncle for the child.

I think that for an older child, a new father should become an older friend, an older comrade with whom you can discuss something that you cannot discuss, for example, with a mother who you can trust, who will not let you down, will not betray, will help in something, maybe even a secret from mom. But this is a completely different category than dad.

- That is, it is necessary to build trusting friendships?

Certainly. Communicate, help, do lessons, travel somewhere, it is very important to overcome difficulties together.

In commercial structures, there is such a thing as “team building” - team building, when they create some kind of environment with difficulties, obstacles, and the project work team is sent to this environment for a day or two, and they overcome everything together, and then the team spirit, mutual assistance unite people, make them friends. Also in the family. If, for example, the family likes to go hiking, then hiking with a conscious extreme situation that parents can somehow come up with on their own is a very good tool for rallying. Joint trips, visits to museums, communication, and, of course, daily work are also important.

- Can the new dad be strict, put pressure on the child?

Strictness is needed when there is a trusting relationship. If the new dad has already won the trust of the child, then yes, there should be strictness. Strictness is one of the sides of love. Being strict, parents protect their child from possible dangers in the future. But they also need to instill in the child a sense of responsibility and through the possibility of making mistakes.

The situation in the family, when parents constantly subordinate the child to their will, is not healthy. This can lead to the fact that he grows up irresponsible, weak-willed, will wait for someone to make a decision for him.

The “adoptive” father can offer the child a choice, complex or simple, and say: “If you choose one, then most likely it will be like this, and if you choose another, then most likely it will be different, but I leave the choice to you.” As the child grows older, certain rules need to be negotiated. It is important to give him a choice within certain healthy limits.

Pressure is, in fact, austerity. If a child is not forced to do something, then he will not do it. The child likes to watch cartoons, play computer games. If we do not somehow put pressure on him, he will watch and play all day. Obedience is also a form of love. Learning obedience, as well as responsibility for one's actions, is also very important. Throughout our lives, we obey the educator, teacher, teacher at the institute, boss at work, and so on. Without obedience, it is even impossible to become a commander-in-chief, because before that you need to spend many years in obedience to seniors in rank.

- What should a new dad be guided by, having no experience in raising children?

His own experience, how he himself was brought up. This experience is not always positive, but it can be good nonetheless.

The basis of education is love for the child. If the new dad loves the child sincerely, then he will feel, understand when and how to act. If he does not have love for the child, then no matter what books he reads, what technologies he studies, all this will be in vain. The child does not feel theory, but love.

In a family where the father is not native, appears common child, and grandparents (for example, the husband's parents) share - this one is ours, and this one is not ours, which manifests itself in an unfair attitude towards the child. How to act in this situation?

You have to accept it as your own. In general, grandparents should forget about divisions, for them everyone is their own grandchildren, now they will always live with them. Should become secondary, whose child is by blood.

There may be some other relationship between the new father and the child, simply by status, but for grandparents there should be no separation. Spouses need to convey to them the idea that they have created a family that will always exist, respectively, and the eldest child is their own.

If grandparents do not perceive the child as their own, then when he is 13-15 years old, they will receive an appropriate attitude towards themselves - disrespectful, disregarding. It's like a ticking time bomb. Moreover, by doing so, they jeopardize mom and dad, their relationship.

Here, of course, the role of dad is very important, because he, as the son of his parents, must understand this situation in time, track it down and discuss it with them.

If we forgive and love, children learn to forgive and love, and if we swear, they learn to swear. Thus, by showing injustice to a non-native child, we instill dislike in a non-native child for our own. He will feel like an outcast in this family.

- Who in this situation should move everything off the ground? Father?

Well, in this situation, yes. It is a key link for everyone - for parents, for children, for a wife. He should not let everything take its course, knowing that this situation is explosive.

- And what if the father himself, seeing the attitude of his parents towards a non-native child, is also likened to this?

This is an understandable state, explainable. The fact is that people are very easily infected with anger, condemnation, irritation, especially when they come home from work tired, or do not get enough sleep for some reason, because of the same children, or something does not add up. Then this internal tension pours out through irritation. Often it can be thoughtlessly poured out on children, including a non-native child. This is a question of the spiritual life of the father himself, how much he realizes what he has, how much he thinks about it, because it is easy to act according to patterns and succumb to fleeting feelings. A certain sobriety must be required.

- Is it easier to understand the issues that we are talking about with faith?

What prevents us from living together, with the world, is our pride, selfishness. We want the children to be obedient, the porridge to be hot, the butter to be fatty, the sun to shine or, conversely, the rain to fall. We always want something for ourselves.

First of all, we must learn to give, to sacrifice something of our own for the sake of our neighbor, and not to consume. A believer regularly comes to confession, realizes his mistakes, can admit them to himself, and understands what he needs to fight against. Believers know how to ask forgiveness from each other, they must be able to forgive, be able to yield, be able to love. What does it mean to love - to sacrifice yourself, your time, your deeds, your desires for the sake of that person who is nearby. Naturally, faith is the inner core of such relationships, because this is exactly what Christ did for us.

In general, everything we do should be with prayer and hope in God's help. We especially need to pray for children.

http://rusbatya.ru/batina-uchyoba/nedetskie-problemy/item/991-papy-rodnye-i-nerodnye

In this article, we will consider the relationship of a child with a new dad, since this situation is more common. But all of the following also applies to the couple "stepmother and not native child».

Through the eyes of a child.

1 . I have a birth father. You can't be kind to your father. This will be a betrayal on my part in relation to my own father.

2. If I don't accept the new dad, I'll offend my mom.

The child is confused. I don't want to hurt any of my blood parents. He does not know what to do and takes a defensive position.

Through the eyes of a new dad.

1. The child was raised incorrectly, spoiled.

2 . I can't help it, he annoys me.

3 . I am guilty before my wife that I could not love her child.

4 . You need to keep this feeling of rejection in yourself.

If a man has a natural child in another family, he will involuntarily compare him with a non-native. In 99%, this comparison will be on the side of the native child.

What to do?

You need to realize that it is impossible to say to yourself 1000 times: “I love this child” and really love him. This takes time and the desire to save a family. In the process of long-term interaction, the new dad and child will inevitably begin to notice positive notes in each other's character. But in order to save them, you need to follow some recommendations:

1 . It is impossible to interfere with the communication of a child with his own father.

3 . You should never compare your child to other children. It hurts!

4. It is easier for an adult to work on himself. Try to look for reasons negative attitude to the child.

5 . It must be understood that each family has its own style of education. If the new dad begins to categorically raise the child in his own way, this will inevitably lead to conflict. Mom should explain to her husband what attitude her child is used to. And adjust the style of education gradually.

6 . Enter the family rule: "Always speak with an explanation of your feelings." For example: “You didn’t wash your dishes today, I was upset ...” This will help you understand each other better.

And after some time stepchild will definitely become family.

You should not worry too actively about how the relationship of the husband with the first child will develop. Men are just less than we are characterized by the “voice of blood”: they easily become attached to a child who lives nearby, who is cared for, who is played with. If until now the attitude of your husband towards the elder suited you, there is no reason to think that everything will change with the birth of the second, your common child.

Common child as a means to improve relations with her husband

I observed cases when the relationship of a man with his wife’s child from his first marriage did not work out (the usual reasons are “unsympathetic”, “I don’t like children at all”, “behaves ugly - apparently genes”).

Rather, this is how the women themselves assessed the situation: it seemed to them that, on the whole, everything is fine, but that the child of the new husband does not suit - and he wants his own, dear ... Here I give birth to a child from him, and there, you look, everything will work out . It won't get better. Because in fact, men in such families also have a lot of complaints about their wife, her girlfriends, parents, etc. The inability to get along with a child from a first marriage always indicates a lack of love for his wife and care for her.

If, unfortunately, this concerns you, consider whether you are ready to risk your fate and the fate of your children in the hope of keeping a man. The ending of such stories is typical: after the birth of a second, common child, the husband begins to emphasize the difference between children - this is manifested in increased severity, exactingness towards the elder, constant dissatisfaction with his behavior, demonstrative indifference. A woman in such cases has to make a choice: whether to keep the family at the cost of the happiness of the older child or to protect him in a constant struggle with her husband.

First, talk to your husband. Explain that you can see his feelings for the child, that you can understand the lack of love, but that you cannot allow a child to be mistreated just because his father is another man. Set clear boundaries for what is acceptable in relation to your child - for example, what words should not be spoken to him even in severe irritation, what punishments are unacceptable for you. Do not deviate from these rules. The first thing a mother should understand in such a situation is that you can’t turn a blind eye to what is happening, you can’t persuade yourself (“everything will work out, he will get used to my child, he needs time, he’s just a strict father”). It could only get worse from there...

Should I tell the elder that dad is step-mother?

There are times when the older child does not remember his own father - sometimes because he did not live with the family at all, or because you broke up when the child was still nursing. If soon after that you got married a second time, a natural question arises: is it necessary to tell the child that the father is step-native? Sometimes the problem is solved by default - the child's surname is changed, required documents and arrange with relatives and friends to maintain secrecy.

I had a boy at the reception who learned this family secret at the age of 9: it was then that his biological father showed up and demanded that he be granted the right to see the child. The child was literally in shock: his familiar world was crumbling before his eyes. The boy had fantasies that he would be given to another family, that he was generally a stranger in the family (mother is also not real); relations with younger brother(son of his second marriage).

Children in such cases are ALWAYS shocked - both from the most unexpected discovery, and from the fact that adults have been silent for so long (ie deceived him). Therefore, if such a situation happened in your family at one time and you finally decided to tell the older child the truth about his own father, be sure to explain what caused your silence: you were worried, hesitated, were afraid to upset the child. You thought to do the best, but now you regret it. You understand - this discovery is not easy for him, and for some time he may feel confused, frightened or angry.

Of course, each case is special, but there are general rules for the most painless way out of such situations. If possible, you need to tell the child the truth, speak in words that he understands, without introducing unnecessary emotions into the story. Remember that superfluous, incomprehensible information to the child simply will not linger in his head.

Right to communicate

It often happens that a woman who, after a divorce, did not object to the communication of the child with the father, begins to interfere with this communication after entering into a second marriage and the birth of a second child. The motive is usually this: a woman wants the child to quickly get used to the “new dad” and not feel envy of the younger one. In fact, everything turns out exactly the opposite. The older child begins to fantasize that the new mother's husband and youngest child responsible for his separation from his father. The disappearance of the father (all the more accompanied by lies from adults - “he went on a business trip”, “lives in another city”) is perceived by the child as the loss of a part of the “I”. In such families, children adapt much worse to the second marriage of their mother, it is more difficult to build relationships with new relatives.

How to prepare a senior?

The eldest child, with any age difference, experiences a painful feeling of separation from his parents. In your situation, the matter is further complicated by the fact that the father of the child lives separately. Therefore, the mother's special attention during pregnancy should be directed to preparing the older child for a future event.

Parents often say: “Now you are the eldest, you will help your mother,” meaning the child’s desire to play “big”. Sometimes the older child will really help you with pleasure - he will sit with the baby while mom is in the kitchen, pick up a fallen pacifier, clap her hands in front of a roaring baby ... But mom must be very careful in this game. Children who are forced to nurse the younger ones cope much worse with jealousy and often with direct aggression against them.

If you feel like you can't handle the double workload, consider getting yourself a helper. In the case of the birth of a second child, mothers most often agree with the nanny that she will take on the bulk of the care for one of the children (usually the eldest). With the same goals, one of the children can be sent to their grandmother - "while mom is having a hard time with the two of you." In this case, the separated child experiences a much more intense feeling of jealousy and abandonment. The ideal option would be to save the family - when both children stay with their mother, and nanny(visiting helper, grandmother) divides her attention between both babies.

Don't tell your elder, "I'll still love you the most." You will love them equally, just the manifestations of feelings will be different. This is usually said by mothers, who also faced jealousy and a sense of deprivation in childhood. As a result, they can hardly bear similar feelings in own child and by all means are ready to avoid even a conversation on this subject.

You should definitely discuss with the elder his feelings. Explain that jealousy and dissatisfaction in his situation is completely normal; If you had a similar experience as a child, tell us about your experiences then. Make it clear that you won't push him away despite the "bad thoughts". Tell them that mom's love for children does not depend on their age, that she will still love them many years later, when they grow up and have their own children. That when children are small, they need more care(and in the same way you looked after the elder when he was just a baby). And that "more time" does not mean "more love".

In general, the mother's message to the eldest child (or so far the only one who is preparing to be the eldest) should be as close to reality as possible. “My dad and I love you very much. Soon we will have a second child, your brother or sister. At first, with small children, a lot of fuss. Remember, I told you about how you were born, how you were very small? It's always like that with little ones. They are completely helpless, weak, they cannot eat or dress themselves. At first I will be very busy. You will probably be angry at times that I can't be with you whenever you feel like it. There's nothing wrong with that, you can always tell me how you feel. I am always ready to listen to you, understand and regret.

Grannies - new and old

If, despite the divorce, your first husband's parents keep in touch with you and with the child, you are really lucky! You get help, support, confirmation that, despite the divorce, relationships with loved ones can be maintained. Experience shows that with a reasonable approach (politeness, unobtrusiveness, courtesy), it is even more convenient to maintain relations with the former mother-in-law than with the current one. After all, you now have nothing (and no one) to share.

Be sure to agree with your husband IN ADVANCE how you intend to build relationships with ex-relatives, how you plan to organize communication ex-husband with baby. Talk to your husband's relatives - they must be aware of your plans.

In a situation where a complete - that is, a double - "set" of grandmothers is available, there are also some pitfalls. In our culture, older people do not always easily come to terms with a situation where children and grandchildren from different marriages communicate and make friends. Therefore, the parents of the first husband may initially refuse to maintain a relationship with your children from the second marriage (not to mention your second husband and his family). Trying to change anything here is pointless - you will have to come to terms with this situation and try to extract the possible benefit from it. At least, if necessary, there will be someone to sit with your eldest child.

The "Western" model, when the first and second families are not necessarily friends, but in any case maintain relations, is not common in Russia. Unfortunately. Because for children it is a wonderful school of tolerance, forgiveness and diplomacy. A child learns from childhood that divorce is not yet a reason for enmity. That it is possible to differ in views, characters, life positions, but at the same time keep warm memories of each other. I have seen very few families in which a second marriage and the birth of children from a new marriage did not destroy relations with old relatives. In any case, no matter how difficult the circumstances of your divorce, the grandparents of your first husband have the right to communicate with their grandchildren.

It is best if the meetings take place not exclusively on their territory. Otherwise, the older child gets the impression that he is a special, somewhat incomplete member of the new family. You can organize a joint walk with both children, invite your grandmother to visit children's day birth.

Help your baby

The period of adaptation of the older child to the appearance of a brother or sister from the mother's second marriage can take several months. At this time, behavioral problems (most often whims, disobedience), increased anxiety, aggressiveness, sleep and appetite disturbances, tearfulness and depressed mood are considered normal reactions. It is best if, even before the birth of the youngest child, you go with the eldest to an appointment with child psychologist. After examining the child and talking with you, the specialist will be able to give you specific recommendations, advise how to talk with the child, how to respond to his behavior in a particular case. If necessary, he will conduct a course of psychocorrection with the child. This will help you to pass the acute period as painlessly as possible.

If the second child has already been born and the older child's emotional and behavioral disorders have not disappeared after 3-4 months, you should ALWAYS consult with a specialist.

Entering into a second marriage, a woman, as a rule, already has considerable life experience. She looks at life more reasonably and soberly. Therefore, she has every chance to create a family in which all children will feel loved and desired.