A teenage daughter asks her mother what to do. A teenager is rude: what to do? To help parents

Why is a teenager being rude?

A teenager can be rude to parents and rebel, for example, expressing his categorical disagreement with certain actions of others. In this case, he rebels because he has no other means of expressing his disagreement, or they have been exhausted.

How should adults react to rudeness?

Firstly, learn to listen to a teenager, try to understand his needs, fears, and motivations. It is important to learn with him to trust each other and strive for mutual understanding.

Secondly, help him expand his behavior patterns. Try to show your teen that there are many constructive ways to respond besides anger.

At some stage of growing up, rebellion for a teenager may remain the main way of interacting with the adult world around him. The reasons for continuous rebellious behavior may be associated both with certain mental disorders and with the social situation in which the teenager finds himself. Mental disorders, fortunately, are quite rare, and they definitely require consultation with medical specialists.

Why are teenagers rude? The most common reason for adolescent rebellion is a conflict between the emerging personality and its environment. It is directly related to the radical restructuring of the human body during adolescence. Just one hormonal storm raging inside the body of yesterday's child can lead to uncontrollable emotional outbursts. But not only the body, but also the child’s psyche is rebuilt.

In childhood, parents, educators and teachers are the absolute authorities for the child. It is their opinions and assessments that he focuses on when forming his own. In adolescence, everything changes.

The teenager has already acquired some experience and is trying to make assessments of events based on his judgments and make decisions independently.

In addition, a teenager develops reference groups outside the family. Adults' opinions become less important. He already strives to imitate and is already guided by the judgment of his friends.

If parents do not take into account these physiological and psychological changes with the child, then they continue to communicate with him as if he were a child, thus undermining his self-esteem and recognition of independence. The psyche of a teenager tries to protect his self-esteem by devaluing the adults who traumatize him. As a result, we have ideal conditions for conflict. Sometimes this is why a teenager can be rude to his parents.

A conflict with a teenager can, if not be prevented, then be significantly weakened if you understand what the teenager requires. The need of every teenager for recognition of his independence and greater freedom. So give it to him!

How should parents react to a teenager’s rudeness, rudeness and disobedience?

As in any conflict, exchanging “courtesy” based on emotions is one of the worst options for resolving the current situation. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is unacceptable to talk to parents in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for some time to calm down.

When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what experiences the parents had, how the teenager felt, and how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose.

How should a teacher behave with a teenager who is rude?

Rudeness should be dealt with calmly but decisively. Make comments and, if necessary, expel them from the class. In difficult cases, involve parents and a school psychologist.

In general, it would be nice for teachers to remember that students respect and appreciate the teacher with whom they are interested. And they know how to respect and appreciate with terrible force. It would be a sin for teachers not to use this. And with mutual benefit.

How to reach a teenager if he does not want to listen, withdraws and withdraws into himself?

If a child has no experience of confidential conversations with parents, for example, for many years he entertained himself while adults went about their own affairs, and when he turned 13, his parents suddenly “ripe” for soul-saving conversations, then how should he react to such initiatives? teenager?

In this situation, the teenager simply has no idea what to talk about with his parents; he does not know how to share his feelings and emotions. He was not taught to communicate correctly with his parents.

When communicating with a teenager, forget forever about lectures, a mentoring tone, and a condescending attitude towards the child. Be open, frank and patient, communicate with him as equals. And do not invite him to a confidential conversation as an investigator of a suspect.

Do something fun with your teenager! Be interesting, but not instructive or intrusive. And then you will see how the child opens up.

What to do if a teenager is openly hostile to parents?

Hostility between close people indicates the pathology of family relationships. By and large, there are two options here.

The first option is that the teenager responds with hostility and rudeness to the cruel, humiliating attitude of one of the parents towards himself or another family member.

The second option is that parental care is so strong that it entangles the child hand and foot, literally not allowing him to breathe, and all his attempts to gain at least some kind of autonomy and independence are resolutely suppressed. Why is the teenager rude to his parents in this case? They don’t want to hear the child, they don’t consider him, they don’t take him seriously.

Life with a teenager in the family is always war. Often until the complete moral destruction of the enemy. But reasonable parents do not fight against their child, but next to him, shoulder to shoulder. And then the enemy is not the teenager, but his and his parents’ fears, doubts, anxieties. Take his side, hear his wishes, loosen your grip, give him freedom.

In adolescence, as a rule, a person gets the impression that the whole world is against him or simply does not understand him, which means he cannot be trusted. Usually, a similar conclusion occurs regarding parents who become strangers.

Children are the flowers of life, and it doesn’t matter whether they are a baby or a teenager, they are still dear to the heart of every parent. Until a certain age, as a rule, a child does not show aggression towards the world around him and behaves quite calmly and decently, which causes joy and happiness in his parents. But, there comes a time when the calm and measured life of mom and dad ends, as the child, as a teenager, acquires notes of rebellion and sometimes aggression.

And it is at this moment that parents usually wonder, why is a teenager being rude? This issue, especially in the modern world, is significantly relevant and is being studied by a huge number of different specialists, including psychologists and teachers, who are trying not only to understand the cause of various conflicts, but also ways to quickly and efficiently overcome them.

Mom, most often, trying to find out more about her child, at this age, as a rule, is faced with disgusting and unbearable behavior and attitude that is difficult to bear. She tries to find out about his success at school, scolds him and sets him on the right path, not in order to humiliate the child. This is done so that the child understands and realizes the reason for the parents’ behavior, and, if possible, corrects some errors.

So, why is a teenager rude to his mother? First of all, according to experienced psychologists, this is simple, aggressive self-defense. With this behavior, the child tries to protect himself from the outside world, to create a shell that cannot be broken through, especially by adults. Some children believe that manifestations of rudeness and arrogance are the actions of real adults who are able to decide for themselves. It is worth noting that self-defense, especially with such a manifestation, usually occurs during puberty, when the child feels himself in a new way, acquires a new body, which must definitely get used to. So, the difficult teenage period, as a rule, goes through differently for everyone, at one time, but, usually, for girls it lasts from 11 to 14 years, and for boys from 13 to 16 years. The media play a huge role in the development of a teenager, which sometimes causes great amount negative, it can destroy not only the child’s psyche, but also undermine his self-esteem.

Psychologists, as a rule, state that such behavior in a child may arise from various sources , for example, from failures at school, with peers, as well as the general atmosphere in the family. Parents, as the closest people, are able to help their child in this situation. First of all, they must reduce the number of claims and nagging, which the teenager feels very caustic and offensive. Also, it is the mother who is able to explain that not everything in life depends on success, that his family loves and appreciates him for who he is, just without setting too high a bar of expectations. Dad and mom, usually, should be a reliable support for their child, not turn away from him at a difficult moment, but talk and give very clear arguments in order to correct his behavior.

Some people do not understand that a teenager begins to be rude when he does not feel his importance in this harsh society. And in this case, it is the parents who must show that each person, as a rule, occupies his own place and niche in life, and finding oneself is not so easy, but quite possible.

It is worth remembering that children become what society makes them, and above all their parents, who have a huge influence on them.

• What teenage behavior should never be tolerated?
• How to correctly define acceptable boundaries for a teenager

“Alekha sits hunched over, looking askance at her sister from under her brows. Here it is, this most difficult transitional age. Yesterday the kids were cheerful, affectionate puppies, today, out of the blue, they are reserved, reserved, have some secrets...”

One can argue with the hero of Maria Halfina’s story, who characterizes children as “cheerful and affectionate puppies,” but it is difficult to disagree with one thing: adolescence- it’s always “out of the blue.” We read books on pedagogy and articles on the Internet, watch interviews with child psychologists on YouTube, and in the end, we perfectly remember our own teenage tossing and experiences. It would seem that there are no surprises, but by adolescence own child it's hard to be prepared. And if a teenager’s isolation, restraint, secrets, vulnerability and mood swings worry a parent, then aggression simply unsettles them. A beloved child, well-mannered and polite, is rude. What to do?

No extremes

Let's start with what you absolutely cannot do.

” The number one losing strategy is to bury your head in the sand.

Many parents try to “not notice” their teenager’s bad behavior or prevent outbursts of irritation by pleasing him in everything. It seems that the child will be calmer this way, but in fact it is exactly the opposite: in adolescence, he needs self-confident parents and clearly defined boundaries of behavior more than ever.

” The second extreme is the desire to suppress teenage rebellion and achieve absolute obedience from the child.

If parents react harshly and painfully to even minor manifestations of aggression, the child has two options: either fight with his own mom and dad further, bringing any conflict to the point of absurdity, or submit to their will, becoming a comfortable and trouble-free teenager.

Both extremes will ultimately result in the task of adolescence being unfulfilled. After all, a child, by arguing and rebelling, prepares himself for an independent life. To determine your own values ​​and attitudes, you first need to question your parents’.

Right to separation

Abrupt behavior, conflicts and provocations are the norm for adolescence. It’s worth remembering this and not getting annoyed again. Remember yourself at 12, 13 or 15 years old: it seems that you finally understand how to live, but your parents and other adults are hopelessly behind and mutter some Old Testament nonsense.

” The child often gets angry and expresses dissatisfaction with the order in the house - this is normal. He snorts and rolls his eyes in response to attempts to educate him - and this will pass.

Perhaps his desire for separation will lead to some redistribution of territory: the teenager will not want you to enter his room without asking; the phrase “this is my business” will appear in his vocabulary.

Where are the boundaries?

At the same time, it is important to let the child understand that your patient attitude towards his insolence has nothing to do with permissiveness. You are still the parent, the last word is yours, and you are also the one who sets the limits of what is acceptable.

Demonstrative disrespect cannot be tolerated, including:

swearing and insulting words addressed to parents;

showdown in public places or in the presence of strangers;

situations in which a teenager takes his anger out on younger children or animals, and is also rude to strangers.

If something like this happens, you should not shout back: this will only show the child that you are not in control of the situation. Calmly but firmly say that boorish behavior is unacceptable. Under no circumstances call your child names yourself; derogatory phrases like “you’re a boor,” “where’s your head,” “you don’t understand at all” will hurt his self-esteem. Criticize the teenager’s actions and behavior, but not him as a person, don’t question his mental abilities, don’t say offensive words about appearance, speech, demeanor.

At the negotiating table

There is only one way to cope with teenage rudeness - talk to the child and try to understand him. Often it’s not just a matter of striving for independence. A child may be rude, wanting to draw attention to himself and his problems: perhaps something is not going well at school or he is tormented by unrequited feelings. Sometimes a teenager becomes deliberately rude, imitating one of his peers. In addition, rudeness is often driven by lack of confidence in oneself and one’s strengths.

To find out what is going on and find a compromise, it is better to stick to following rules:

Explain to your child that there are acceptable and unacceptable forms of expressing anger;

make it clear that obscene language and rudeness in the house are prohibited for everyone - these are the rules of behavior for adults;

try to find out what the child wants: he lacks freedom, there are problems that need to be solved, and so on; try to come to clear agreements;

• at the end of the conversation, be sure to say that you love him and empathize with his problems: conflicts will remain in the past, and warm relationships will last forever.

We wish all parents of teenagers strength and patience!

No matter how good and obedient a child is, there is always a moment in adolescence when his behavior becomes aggressive and he begins to be rude. Why does this happen and how to return peace to the family and help the child, the site says educational psychologist Irina Dolgaya.

Is there a difference in the behavior of boys and girls in this matter?

In such a situation, it is better for the dad to do this if he has authority with the child (only authority that is not based on the child’s fear of the parent). After the child repeats this several times, he will feel the limits of his own “invulnerability” and will know that not all behavior is acceptable in this world.

He talks about parental prohibitions and the child’s reactions to prohibitions. child psychologist, Gestalt therapist, candidate of psychological sciences Irina Mlodik:

In addition, if this reason for rudeness is typical for your child, then think about whether you are raising him correctly at all, if during such a crucial period - adolescence independent research world - he is left without guidelines and behaves permissively. Why are the concepts of “good” and “bad” blurred for a child? Why, with your kindness and patience, did he - your child - choose rudeness?

4. Copying parents' behavior

Unfortunately, in many families that are faced with the problem of teenage rudeness, there is a policy of “double standards”. It happens that you and your spouse communicate disrespectfully with each other or with other people, or you yourself are rude to your child, not realizing that all this is recorded on the internal tape of his memory.

A teenager is rude: what to do?

What should I do?

Pay attention to how you communicate with your husband. Often children unconsciously copy the behavior of their parents, believing that their behavior is correct. The logic is simple: “I communicate with mom the way dad communicates with her, and with dad the way mom communicates with him”.

A child often unconsciously tries to restore harmony in the family, even at the cost of his own self: by being rude, for example, towards his father, he shows that he is unfair to his mother. Think about what problems in your relationship he is trying to decide, because he wants to live in a happy family!

Irina Dolgaya warns that if there are any obvious or hidden conflicts between parents, the child or teenager sees it. Children are very sensitive to falsehood and do not forgive it, so do not try to hide it from them family problems, but try to discuss together what is happening. The child will respond to you with gratitude instead of rudeness.

In addition, pay attention to whether you use phrases such as: “How dare you?!”, “How do you talk to your father?”, “Totally stupid?” "What do you allow yourself? I give you my word, you give me ten in return!”. If you use it, don’t be surprised if your child talks to you the same way. Teach yourself and him to solve problems differently, communicate politely , cope with irritability and anger.

Expert advice: “If you feel like you might say too much, tell your child: “Right now I’m irritated, I need to be alone to calm down, we’ll talk later”, go to another room, drink water, take a bath, shout, do breathing exercises, jog outside, or use your own ways to relieve stress. Afterwards, be sure to discuss the issue that caused disagreement, express your opinion, listen to the child’s opinion and try to find a way out together.”

Common Ways to Deal with Teenage Rudeness

Irina Dolgaya notes that there are many reasons for rudeness among teenagers, but they are united by the obvious inner feeling child's troubles. To understand the situation, consult a psychologist, attend trainings for teenagers and for parents.

The problem of rudeness in school age, as a rule, is not unique in the class where the child studies. Be the initiator and invite a psychologist (school psychologist, for example) to conduct classes (games, trainings) in order to help children resolve their internal conflicts, learn to communicate correctly and solve problems. After all, rudeness is a direct consequence of the inability to do this.

In addition, to reduce the level of aggression and relieve tension, psychologists recommend swimming lessons , martial arts and shooting - they train self-control.

To establish harmony within the family, it is important to experience positive emotions together. To do this, you can spend time together creative activities, in nature, playing board games and

If you first notice rudeness and rudeness in a teenager, do not leave it unanswered. Just don’t stoop to retaliatory rudeness - this is the worst way. Calmly explain to your child what doesn’t suit you. Agree to treat each other with respect, because you are a family, which means you are the closest people. If your child is very irritated, restrain yourself and tell him that you are ready to talk to him when he cools down.

If rudeness on the part of a teenager is already an established form of family relationships, break this vicious circle. Try to react outside the box. For example, start tickling him every time he is rude or write him notes: "I love you anyway".

A teenager is rude: what to do?

After all, a person who is doing well will not be rude; only those who are tormented by internal pain, self-doubt, lack of human warmth and recognition from others do this. Try to develop mutual understanding, and the child will open up to you. But if a teenager accepts it family of origin, then the rest of the world will accept it.”

Everyone knows that sometimes it can be difficult with children. But when adolescence comes, many parents realize that all previous problems were just flowers. And we are not talking about such offenses as smoking, alcohol, drugs, disgraceful behavior at school, etc. – these problems are obvious, visible and understandable. We will talk about something else: about the callous, disrespectful attitude of teenagers towards close people in the family.

These problems are usually little noticeable to others, but this does not make them any less significant. A 15-year-old girl in a store with her mother chooses summer outfits. He speaks in a completely boorish tone: “You don’t understand anything...”, “Leave me alone...”, “Are you completely sick in the head?”, “I won’t go anywhere with you again...”, “I’ve already told you a hundred times...”.

A mother with an upset face rushes after her daughter. She tries to somehow object, breaks into a scream, the daughter, with a pouty look, silently walks along the shopping aisles, not paying attention to her mother. They return home. The daughter immediately contacted her, and her sweet face blossomed with a smile: she had already forgotten to think about her mother, who at this time was taking pills for headaches and blood pressure.

Boys, of course, are not so emotional and sometimes simply do not pay attention to their parents. The mother tries to talk to her son about school, ask him about grades, teachers, classmates - it is useless: he sits, staring at the monitor, and does not pay attention to her, getting off with short words: I don’t know, I didn’t see, leave me alone. He only breaks out of his imperturbably calm state when she tries to turn off the computer or snatch the tablet from his hands.

Most often, parents let these situations pass them by, but sometimes they become very offended. Dad tries to tell his son about his childhood memories, about how he studied at school, what he was interested in and suddenly realizes that his son is not listening to him, but is just waiting to return to his favorite activities, and that he is a dad, not at all he is not interested as a person.

The teenager goes for a walk, and his mother cannot reach him by phone. “The phone is dead, big deal!” When asked why he didn’t take his friend’s phone and call home, he doesn’t answer and remains silent with an irritated face, although his mother told him a hundred times that she gets very worried when he stays out late.

Returning from work, the mother discovers that she forgot to buy bread and asks her daughter to run to the store. In response: “Couldn’t you buy it yourself? I am busy". Mom, tired after work, begins to make trouble and reproach her daughter for being callous and not understanding how hard it is for her. In a normal relationship, if the mother cries and worries, the child is very uncomfortable. But in the described situation this does not happen. The mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but the daughter is fine, and on her face there is only annoyance at being torn away from her favorite entertainment.

There are many similar examples that can be given. This is such minor everyday rudeness. Usually people explain it to themselves this way: all teenagers are like this. He'll grow up and everything will be fine. Indeed, this often happens. What if the situation does not change?

It is interesting that such situations can occur in any family: both very rich and low-income ones. Both a mother-cleaner and a successful businesswoman can be rude.

Usually, such problems in the family are not talked about much, but when strangers witness this style of children’s relationship with their parents, it can be very unpleasant and embarrassing for the parents. In my opinion, such problems - selfishness and disrespect of children for their parents - do not arise overnight. It’s just that for the time being, parents don’t pay attention to them. But when a child becomes a teenager, parents begin to expect from him help, understanding, participation in family affairs, sympathy, love and, finally, just respect, and they are terribly disappointed and upset, seeing that these wonderful human emotions are, apparently, from their own the child will not be seen.

Why do teenagers behave this way? Of course, “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way,” but one thing is obvious: in such families, parents are not an authority for a teenager. The reasons for the lack of authority among parents are different. There are quite understandable ones: low salary, low social status, bad appearance, lifestyle, lack of personal growth, failures in life, bad character, etc. and so on.

But sometimes it also happens that a good, hardworking, responsible and successful person in public life is not respected own child. And this disrespect is precisely expressed in the offensive, everyday little things that were described above.

What to do about it?

Of course, it was necessary to start when the child was still very small. From the moment he begins to understand what he is doing (and this happens in a very early age) you cannot allow disrespect towards yourself under any circumstances: you are no less valuable than your child. And you definitely deserve more respect than him.

For example, when visiting or in a cafe, a five-year-old child behaves disgracefully: he runs, screams, grabs everything from the table, drops it, constantly teases his mother, demands something. The mother is nervous, but, on the other hand, she explains to everyone that this is such an education system, that children need to express themselves, etc.

There are two ways of development of events: if you are comfortable in such a situation and are not ashamed in front of other people, then everything is in order and there is nothing to worry about.

But if you are uncomfortable, uncomfortable and restless, then such behavior is the child’s disrespect towards you. This needs to be stopped immediately and explained to the child that you will not tolerate this anymore. Children, like animals, quickly understand who can sit on the neck and who can’t, who needs to be obeyed and who can be ignored, who needs to be respected and who can be sent to hell.

Therefore, the advice here is essentially the same - never ignore any disrespect towards yourself on the part of a child, no matter what age he is. Measures of influence can be different: both verbal and concrete. Ignored your request for something - do the same in response. He answered rudely - do not answer his further questions and requests. Disgraced you in public place- show him that it is unpleasant for you to live with a person like him. Finally, give him a scandal at home. Children do not have such a vulnerable psyche as psychologists like to write about it. Many mothers are subconsciously afraid to present their claims to their child, because then, perhaps, the child will love them less. Yes, unfortunately, the love of children for their parents is not obligatory; by default, it is a component in family relationships, just like the love of parents for their children.

But there is no need to be afraid of this. Requirements to respect you as an individual will not affect the child’s love for you. With teenagers the situation is more complicated. Firstly, many relationships have developed over many years and are quite difficult, if not impossible, to change.

Secondly, the reasons for disrespect can be much more serious. It is known that growing children begin to evaluate their parents differently. Evaluate them as adults, adults.

And parents’ lives, careers and other life circumstances can develop very differently. It happens that your appearance has let you down, and there is no health for new life achievements, just as there is no strength for self-improvement, to look for another, higher-paying job, etc. But teenagers, for the most part, are maximalists and therefore sometimes judge their parents very harshly.

But, even if you understand that the child considers you a failure in life, you cannot leave without retaliatory measures any manifestations of rudeness, inattention and disrespect for yourself on his part. There is no need to be afraid of his response: I don’t love you and I don’t want to live with you. It is not important. The main thing is that you love him. Perhaps it makes sense to clearly voice your position: I love you, but I will never tolerate rudeness on your part, no matter how you feel about it.

In other words, it is undesirable for such situations to often arise in the house: a teenager was rude to his mother, went to his room, but after a while the mother calls him with the usual “Will you eat?” and puts dinner on the table for him.

Indeed, many women find it difficult to deviate from their usual routine, and they have a very high sense of responsibility (the child must eat on time and properly), so they sometimes do not pay attention to the rudeness of teenagers that has become familiar to them in everyday life.

Of course, it is always the choice of the person himself how to react to the attitude of other people towards himself, but still, perhaps it makes sense to think about this when it comes to the attitude of our own children towards us. It’s just that sometimes, following the slogan “All the best for children,” parents forget about themselves, despite the popular wisdom that “how you treat yourself is how others will treat you.”