Elaine Mazlish - how to talk to children so that they learn. How to speak so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will speak How to speak so that children

(ratings: 4 , average: 3,00 out of 5)

Title: How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk
Author: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
Year: 1980
Genre: Home and Family: other, Foreign applied and popular science literature, Raising children, Child psychology, Foreign psychology

About the book “How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So Children Will Talk” by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

Sometimes it can be very difficult with children, because if you miss just one moment, you can lose touch with your child, and then it will be extremely difficult to find a common language. Children today see and understand sometimes better than adults; they know which strings they need to pull to get what they want. And in this battle between a child and adults, it is often the children who win.

The book “How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So Children Will Talk,” written by two wonderful authors, Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlish, will help you better understand your baby. When a child learns to speak, he can already express his opinion, talk about what he likes and what he doesn’t. It is very important to listen, and most importantly, to hear the child.

Sometimes parents believe that a child should unquestioningly listen and obey adults, do something and say only when he is allowed, and in other cases a barrage of comments and criticism falls on the child. In such a situation, only the parents who do not know how to listen are to blame, which is why the baby begins to behave provocatively, attracting the attention of others in this way. If you listen to what the child says, he will not interrupt, he will wait for the moment when he can tell you something, because he knows that you will definitely listen to him and not punish and scold him.

Today, child psychology is more developed than it was before. Thanks to literature such as the book “How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So Children Will Talk,” understanding children has become much easier. Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlish have written a paper that helps parents understand what their children are thinking and why they act the way they do.

Children behave well when they feel good - this is what Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlish are trying to convey to readers. If a child tells you about his problems, you don’t need to say that these are nonsense and not problems. For a child, to the best of his consciousness, these are real problems, and you are trying to prove to him that he is lying. As a result, the child may become nervous, keep everything to himself in the future and stop trusting you.

If the baby is offended or upset, there is no need to force him not to cry and talk about what good boys and girls don't cry. When you are upset, you cry, you pour out your soul to someone to make it easier, and the child looks to you for support. You must talk to him, explain to him the situation and your point of view, while not forgetting to listen to the child’s point of view.

The book “How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So Children Will Talk” is excellent in all respects. She about simple things, but it so happened in our country that children are accustomed to demanding with tears and hysterics, and parents constantly make comments to their children and try to show that adults in any situation are more important, smarter and more important. Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlish will help you make peace with your child, and help you understand him better, which, in the end, will help your baby understand you better.

The book “How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk” is a must-read for both those parents who have already encountered problems and those who are just planning to have a child. Such literature is a real find for moms and dads who want to raise good man, self-confident, able to competently express their feelings and emotions, and understand and accept the desires and opinions of others.

On our website about books you can download the site for free without registration or read online book“How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk” by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish in epub, fb2, txt, rtf, pdf formats for iPad, iPhone, Android and Kindle. The book will give you a lot of pleasant moments and real pleasure from reading. Buy full version you can from our partner. Also, here you will find last news from the literary world, learn the biography of your favorite authors. For beginning writers there is a separate section with useful tips and recommendations, interesting articles, thanks to which you yourself can try your hand at literary crafts.

Quotes from the book “How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So Children Will Talk” by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish

But as soon as someone is willing to really listen to me, acknowledge my inner pain and give me the opportunity to talk more about what is bothering me, I begin to feel less upset, less confused, able to deal with my feelings and my problem.

But one activity that is pleasant for parents to observe and gives the most satisfaction to children is sketching feelings. The following two examples occurred within a week of each other.

Resist the temptation to instantly “improve the situation.” Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect your child's feelings.

Thus, the child, having paid for his mischief, is free to repeat it another time, since it is not accompanied by a feeling of guilt.

Over the next few weeks, I tried to tune into what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to come naturally. I didn't just use technical techniques. I really meant what I said: “So you still feel tired even though you just took a nap.” Or: “I’m cold, but you’re hot here.” Or: “I see you’re not particularly interested in this TV program.” Ultimately we were two different people, capable of having two different sets feelings. None of us were right or wrong. Each of us felt what we felt.

We want to express our irritation or anger without harming each other.
We want to respect our children's needs as well as our own.
We want our children to become attentive and responsible.
We want to break the cycle of useless talk that is passed down from generation to generation and leave a different legacy for our children - a way of communicating that they can use for the rest of their lives, with their friends, co-workers, significant other and one day with their own children.

“Old people are used to thinking that they are always smarter than the generation that replaces them.”

Margaret of Navarre

I was a wonderful mother before I had children. I knew very well why all people have problems with their children. And then I had three of my own.

Photo © Giga Circle

Life with children can be very difficult. Every morning I told myself: “Today everything will be different,” and still it repeated the previous one. “You gave her more than me!..”, “This is a pink cup. I want a blue cup”, “This cereal looks like vomit”, “He hit me”, “I didn’t touch him at all!”, “I’m not going to my room. You are not my boss!

Eventually they got me. And although I even nightmares I didn’t dream that I could do this, I joined the parent group. The group met at a local psychopediatric center and was led by a young psychologist, Dr. Chaim Ginott.

The meeting turned out to be quite interesting. His theme was the feelings of a child, and two hours flew by. When I returned home, my head was spinning with new thoughts, and my notebook was full of random notes:

There is a direct link between how children feel and how they behave.

When children feel good, they behave well.

How do we help them feel good?

Accepting their feelings!

The problem is that parents usually do not understand the feelings of their children. For example: “What you really feel is completely different,” “You’re saying this because you’re tired,” “There’s no reason to be so upset.”

Constant denial of feelings can confuse and enrage a child. It also teaches them not to understand their feelings and not to trust them.

I remember after the meeting I thought, “Maybe other parents do that. Me not". Then I started taking care of myself. Here are a few sample conversations that took place in my home in one day.

Child. Mommy, I'm tired!

I. You couldn't be tired. You just dozed off.

Child(louder). But I'm tired.

I. Are you tired. You're just a little sleepyhead. Let's get dressed.

Child(yells). No, I'm tired!

Child. Mommy, it's hot in here.

I. There is cold. Don't take off your sweater.

Child. No, I'm hot.

I. I said, “Don’t take off your sweater!”

Child. No, I'm hot.

Child. This TV show was boring.

I. No, it was very interesting.

Child. It was stupid.

I. It was instructive.

Child. It's disgusting.

I. Do not say that!

See what happened? In addition to the fact that all our conversations turned into arguments, I again and again convinced the children not to trust their feelings, but to rely on mine instead.

One day I realized what I was doing. I decided to change. But I didn’t know exactly how to take it on. What finally helped me the most was trying to look at everything from a child's point of view. I asked myself: “Suppose I were a child who was tired, hot or bored. And let’s say I would like an important adult in my life to know how I feel..."

Over the next few weeks, I tried to tune into what I thought my children might be experiencing, and when I did, my words seemed to come naturally. I didn't just use technical techniques. I really meant what I said: “So you still feel tired even though you just took a nap.” Or: “I’m cold, but you’re hot here.” Or: “I see you’re not particularly interested in this TV program.” Ultimately we were two different people, capable of having two different sets of feelings. None of us were right or wrong. Each of us felt what we felt.

For some time my new knowledge was of great help to me. The number of arguments between me and the children has noticeably decreased. Then one day my daughter announced:

I hate grandma.

She was talking about my mom. I didn't hesitate for a second.

You can't say such terrible things! - I barked. “You know very well that you didn’t mean it.” So that I don’t hear such words from you anymore.

This little fight taught me something else about myself. I could accept most of the children's feelings, but as soon as one of Them said something to me that made me angry or worried, I immediately returned to the old line of behavior.

From book “How to talk so that children will listen, and how to listen so that children will talk”

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A. Faber, E. Mazlish “How to speak so that children will listen...” To buy in Labyrinth.ru

Current page: 1 (book has 11 pages total) [available reading passage: 8 pages]

Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish
How to talk to children so they learn

and Elaine Mazlish

with Lisa Nyberg

and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Soe

HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LEARN AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL

© 1995 by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, Lisa Nyberg, and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

© Novikova T. O., translation, 2010

© Edition in Russian, design. LLC Publishing House E, 2016

* * *

A child understands the attitude of his parents and teachers towards him by the way they talk to him. The words of adults affect a child's self-esteem and self-esteem. The speech of adults largely determines the fate of a child.

Chaim Ginott

From the authors

This book was born thanks to the help of many people who believed in our success. Our family and friends helped us a lot. Parents, teachers, and psychologists from the United States and Canada told us how they use communication skills at home and at work. Many talked to us, others sent letters. Joanna Faber taught in a city school for ten years and provided us with many moving examples from her own school experience. Bradley University and Brattain Primary School provided us with great support and assistance. We are forever grateful to our resident artist, Kimberly Ann Cowie, who again managed to sort through our quick sketches and breathe life and warmth into them. Necessary tips our literary agent, Bob Markel, provided at the right time. We always felt the warm support of our publisher, Elinor Rawson, who always knew in which direction we should move next.

Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Thomas Gordon for the great work he has done in the area of ​​adult-child relationships. Of course, we cannot fail to mention our mentor, Dr. Chaim Ginott. It was he who helped us understand why “every teacher must first teach humanity, and only then his subject.”

How did this book come about?

The idea for this book came about when we, two young mothers, came to parent group famous child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott. After each lesson, we returned home together, and all the way there we were amazed at the effectiveness of the new communication skills we had just learned. We so regretted not owning them many years ago, when we worked professionally with children, one of us teaching in high schools in New York City, and the other teaching next door in Manhattan.

Then we could not even imagine what these studies would lead to. Twenty years later, the books we wrote for parents have sold more than 2 million copies around the world and have been translated into more than ten languages. The lectures we have given in almost every state of the United States and in every province of Canada attract many interested listeners. More than 50 thousand groups use our audio and video materials in countries such as Nicaragua, Kenya, Malaysia and New Zealand. For twenty years, we have constantly heard stories from teachers about how attending our lectures, taking our courses, or reading our books has benefited their work. These people literally demanded that we write a book especially for them.

An educator from Troy, Michigan wrote:

I have worked with unruly, at-risk students for over twenty years. I was amazed at how much new I was able to learn from your books for parents... Today, in the district where I consult teachers, they are developing new plan school discipline. I truly believe that the philosophy of your book will serve as the cornerstone of the new plan. Are you planning to write a book specifically for teachers?

School Social worker from Florissant, Missouri wrote:

I recently introduced the program of your group seminar “How to speak so that children will listen” to parents in our area. One of the mothers, an educator herself, began using new skills in school and noticed that there were significantly fewer behavior problems in her class. This was also noticed by the school principal, who was concerned about the increase in the number of punishments and expulsions from her educational institution. She was so impressed by the changes in our class that she asked me to conduct a workshop for all teachers.

The results were amazing. The number of “requests” for punishments and temporary suspensions from classes has sharply decreased. Children began to skip classes less often, and their self-esteem increased significantly.

A psychologist from New York wrote to us:

I was seriously concerned that more and more children were coming to school with knives and guns. I constantly think that increasing the number of security guards and installing metal detectors will not help us. It is important to establish effective communication with children. Perhaps if teachers had the skills you describe, it would be easier for them to help children deal with their difficult problems in a non-violent way. Would you like to write a book for teachers, school principals, PTA members, teaching assistants, school bus drivers, secretaries, etc., etc.?

We took these suggestions very seriously, but decided that we could not take on the responsibility of writing a book specifically for teachers. After all, we haven't been teaching for a long time.

And then we got a call from Rosalyn Templeton and Lisa Nyberg. Lisa turned out to be a third and fourth grade teacher primary school Brattain in Springfield, Oregon. Rosalyn trained future teachers at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. Both of them were not satisfied widespread use coercion and punishment for disciplinary purposes in secondary schools. Lisa and Rosalyn told us that they have been collecting materials for a long time to offer teachers alternative methods to make students more focused and disciplined. After reading our book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, they realized it was exactly what they needed and asked our permission to adapt the book for teachers.

During the conversation, it became clear that the experience of these teachers is very wide. Both women taught in urban, suburban and rural schools in different regions of the country, both had advanced degrees in education and taught various workshops for teachers. Suddenly, the project, the implementation of which we had put off for so long, seemed quite feasible. If, in addition to our own teaching experience and the materials with which teachers have provided us for twenty years, we can draw on the vast experience of these two teachers, then we may have a very useful book.

That summer, Rosalyn and Lisa came to visit us. We found a common language from the very beginning. After discussing the rough outline of the book, we decided to present the material from the point of view of a young teacher who is trying to find a way to reach her students. In this image we wanted to combine our own experience. We also decided to use the same elements as in our previous books - comics, questions and answers and illustrated stories.

But the longer we talked, the clearer it became that if we were going to tackle the whole problem of children's education, we would have to go beyond school class and pay no less attention to the first teacher who is constantly present in the child’s life, that is, the parent. Whatever happens at school from 9:00 to 15:00 is largely determined by what happens to the child before and after that time. No matter how good the intentions of the parent and teacher, if they both do not have the means to implement them, the child will grow up to be a failure.

Parents and teachers need to join forces and form a workable partnership. They need to understand the difference between words that demoralize or inspire confidence; lead to confrontation or promote interaction; deprive the child of the ability to think and concentrate or awaken in him a natural desire to learn.

It became clear to us that we have a huge responsibility towards modern children. Never before have such a huge number of children faced such a huge amount images of senseless cruelty. Never before have children witnessed that many problems can be solved through force, knives, shooting or bombs. Never before have we felt such an urgent need to show our children a realistic model of problem solving through honest and respectful communication. This is the only way we can protect the younger generation from violent impulses. When the inevitable moments of depression and rage arise, children may reach for a weapon, or they may choose the words they heard from people who play an important role in their lives.

It was with these convictions that we began our work. Three years have passed. We wrote and rewrote our book and when the manuscript was finished, we felt deep satisfaction. We have developed a clear and understandable set of tips on the topic “How to talk to children so that they want to learn both at home and at school.” We brought specific examples relationships and words that will find a way to any heart in the learning process. We showed how to create an emotional environment in which children will not be afraid to perceive everything new and unfamiliar. We have demonstrated how children can be encouraged to take responsibility and develop self-discipline, and have developed many methods to help children understand who they are and who they can become.

We sincerely hope that our ideas will help you inspire and guide the younger generation on the right path.

“I” in our book – who is it?

We decided to write this book from the perspective of a fictional character - Liz Lander. She will speak on our behalf. Liz is a young teacher, just like we once were. She tries her best to reach her students and make them want to learn. We have all walked this path at one time or another. Liz will be our collective “I”.

Chapter 1
How to deal with feelings that affect your desire to learn

My decision to become a teacher was prompted by memories of my own teachers—both those I loved and those I hated.

I had a huge mental list of all the things I should never say to my students and what I should never do in class. I knew for sure that I had to be an infinitely patient and understanding teacher. During college, I came to the conclusion that I had to teach children in a way that made them want to learn.

But the very first day in the “real” class was a real shock for me. I planned everything, but I was completely unprepared to communicate with 32 schoolchildren. 32 students were sitting in front of me: they were full of energy, they had their own desires and needs and were constantly shouting. Half of the first lesson was spent arguing: “Who stole my pencil?”, “Leave me alone!”, “Shut up, I want to listen to the teacher!”

I pretended not to hear anything and continued the lesson, but the conflicts did not stop: “Why should I sit next to him?”, “I don’t understand what to do...”, “He hit me!”, “She started it first.” !

I felt uneasy; the noise in the class was growing. The words “patience and understanding” somehow disappeared from my mind. This class needed a teacher with an iron will and self-control. And then I heard my own words:

- Calm down! Nobody stole your pencil!

“You have to sit next to him because I said so!”

– I don’t care who started it first! Stop it immediately! Now!

- Why don’t you understand? I just explained everything!

– I can’t believe my own eyes! You are acting like first graders! Calm down immediately!

One boy didn't pay any attention to me. He jumped up from his desk, walked over to the pencil sharpener and began sharpening his pencil. In my most stern voice I ordered:

- Enough! Sit down immediately!

“You can’t force me,” he replied.

- We'll talk about this after class!

- I can't linger. I need to catch the bus...

“Then I’ll have to call your parents to school.”

- You won't be able to reach us. We don't have a phone. By three o'clock in the afternoon I was completely exhausted. The children ran out of the classroom and scattered into the streets. God bless! Now parents are responsible for them. I served my time.

I leaned back in my chair and stared at the empty desks. What did I do wrong? Why didn't they listen to me? What needs to be done to reach these children?

In the first months of my work at school, the situation did not change. Every morning I walked into class with high hopes, and by lunchtime I felt completely exhausted. To complete the required program, I had to put in all my efforts. But what tormented me most was that I was gradually turning into a teacher of the type that was most unpleasant to me. I became angry and irritated, commanded and humiliated my students, and they became more and more stubborn and stupid. Time passed, and I could only wonder how much longer I could stand it.

Jane Davis, the homeroom teacher of the next class, came to my aid. After I poured my heart out to her, she brought me her own copy of How to Talk So Children Will Listen, and How to Listen So That Children Will Talk.

“I don’t know if it will help you,” said Jane, “but this book literally saved me!” Without her, my own children would have driven me crazy long ago. And it became easier for me to cope in class!

I thanked Jane, took the book, put it in my briefcase and forgot about it. A week later I was in bed with a cold. There was nothing to do, so I opened the book that Jane gave me. The words in italics immediately caught my eye:

There is a direct connection between children's feelings and behavior.

When children have the right feelings, they behave correctly.

How can we help them feel the right feelings? You just need to understand and accept how they feel!

I leaned back on the pillow and closed my eyes. Can I accept my students' feelings? I began to replay in my head the conversations I had with my children this week.

Student: I can not write.

I: It is not true.

Student: But I can't think of anything to write about.

I: No, you can! Stop complaining and start writing.

Student: I hate history. Why should I care what happened a hundred years ago?

I: You care... It is very important to know the history of your country.

Student: It's boring.

I: No, it's not boring! If you are serious, you will be interested.

Marvelous! I always told my children about the right of every individual to have their own opinion and own feelings. But in practice, it turned out that as soon as the children began to express their feelings, I immediately suppressed them. I started arguing with them. The meaning of my words was in one simple phrase: “Your feelings are wrong, so you should listen to me.”

I sat up in bed and tried to remember. Isn’t that how my teachers talked to me? I was reminded of one time in my senior year when I got a bad grade and the teacher tried to calm me down.

“You don't have to worry, Liz,” he said. “It’s not that you don’t have a knack for geometry.” You just weren't concentrating. You had to focus entirely on the task. Your main problem is that you have the wrong attitude towards studying.

He was probably right. He had the best intentions, but after this conversation I felt stupid and clueless. At some point, I even stopped listening to the teacher and just watched how his mustache moved, waiting for him to finally finish and for me to go home. Are my students experiencing the same feelings now?

Over the course of several weeks, I tried to be more sensitive to my students’ feelings and respond appropriately to them:

– Choosing a topic for an essay is really not easy.

– I know about your attitude to history. You don't understand why people care about something that happened so long ago.

It worked. I immediately noticed that the children began to behave differently. They nodded, looked me straight in the eyes, and talked to me more. But one day Alex said:

– I don’t want to go to physical education class, and no one will force me!

That was enough. I didn’t hesitate for a minute. I stated in an icy tone:

– You will go to class or go to the principal’s office!

Why is it so difficult to recognize a child’s right to his own feelings? Over lunch, I asked the same question out loud. Jane and the other teachers were sitting at my table. I shared with them my thoughts about what I read in the book.

Maria Esther, a member of the parent committee, spoke out in defense of the teachers.

“You teach so many children,” she said, “and you have a lot to teach them.” How can you pay attention to every word you say?

Jane thought about it.

“If adults,” she said, “think more about their In other words, we wouldn't have to "unlearn" much now. This needs to be acknowledged. We are all a product of our own past. We talk to our students the same way parents and teachers talked to us. I know this by personal experience. Even at home, with my own children, it is very difficult for me to abandon the old script. To go from "It doesn't hurt. It’s just a small scratch” to “Yes, scratches can hurt!”, I had to work hard on myself.

Physics teacher, Ken Watson, was very surprised:

- Did I miss something? - he said. I don't understand what's the difference...

I was thinking, trying to find an example that would help Ken understand the difference, and then I heard Jane say.

“Imagine you're a teenager, Ken,” she said. - And you just got accepted into the school team - basketball, hockey... whatever...

“Football,” Ken smiled.

“Okay, football,” Jane nodded. – Now imagine that you come to your first training session, joyful and excited. And the coach took you aside and said that you had already been expelled.

Ken groaned.

“And then,” Jane went on, “you saw your class teacher and decided to tell her what had happened. Imagine that I am a teacher. I can react to your words in different ways. Put yourself in the child’s place and imagine what he will feel and think after my words.

Ken chuckled, took out a pen and reached for a napkin.

Here are some of the situations suggested by Jane.

Denial of feelings

- You're getting upset out of nowhere. The world will not turn upside down because you were not accepted into the team. Forget it.

Philosophical reaction

– Life is not always fair, but you need to learn to take the blow.

Advice

– Don’t dwell on this failure. Try joining another team.

Questions

– Why do you think you weren’t accepted? Were other players better than you? What are you going to do next?

Protecting the other side

– Try to put yourself in the coach’s shoes. He wants to create a winning team. He has a hard time deciding who should stay and who should go.

A pity

- Oh, poor thing! I feel so sorry for you. You tried so hard to get on the team, but you couldn't. Now everyone will know about it. You're probably dying of embarrassment...

Amateur psychoanalysis

– Have you ever thought that you were actually excluded from the team because you weren’t in the mood for this game? I think that subconsciously you yourself wanted to leave the team, so everything happened correctly.

Ken raised his hands pleadingly.

- Stop! - he begged. - Enough! I got it.

I asked Ken if I could look at his notes. He moved the napkin towards me, and I read aloud:

“Don’t tell me how I should feel.”

- Don't tell me what I should do.

-You will never understand me.

– Shove your questions... you know where!

– You are ready to take anyone’s side, but not mine!

- I am a loser.

– I will never tell you anything again!

“Wow,” Maria was surprised, “I tell my son Marco almost the same thing that Jane told Ken.” What should be done in such a situation?

“We need to recognize the child’s right to be upset,” I quickly answered.

- And how to do this? – asked Maria.

I didn't know what to say and looked at Jane for support. She turned to Ken and looked him straight in the eye.

“Ken,” she said, “it must be very difficult to be excluded from the team when you were absolutely sure that you were accepted.” You must be very upset!

“Yes,” Ken nodded. - It was a hard blow. I am very disappointed. Honestly, it made me feel better that someone finally understood this simple thing!

After that, we all wanted to tell each other a lot. Maria admitted that when she was a child, no one understood her feelings.

– How can we give our students what we have never received ourselves? – asked Ken.

In order for a new reaction to children’s feelings to become habitual for us, we will have to practice a lot. I volunteered to offer a few more examples of how to respect students' feelings. Here's a short comic showing my examples. I showed it to my friends a few days later.

Instead of denying feelings...

When a student's feelings are denied, he quickly loses interest in learning.

Put your feelings into words

When negative feelings are validated and understood, the student willingly continues studying.

The teacher had the best intentions, but when the student is constantly criticized and given advice, it is difficult for him to reflect on his problem and accept responsibility.

Validate your child's feelings with words or interjections (“Yes?”, “Mmmm,” “I understand”)

A sympathetic and understanding response to the student's distress, nods and confirmations help the child focus on his problem and even find a solution himself.

Instead of reasons and explanations...

When a student refuses to listen to common sense, it is very annoying. What to do in such a situation? Is there a way to help a girl overcome her reluctance to study?

Give free rein to your imagination, although you cannot do it in reality

When we translate a student’s desires into fantasy, it is easier for him to cope with reality.

Instead of ignoring feelings...

It is difficult for children to change behavior if adults completely ignore their feelings.

Recognize your child's right to feel, even if their behavior is unacceptable.

Children find it easier to change behavior when their feelings are understood.

Ken looked at my drawings and shook his head.

– In theory, everything sounds great, but it seems to me that this is an extra burden on teachers. How do we find the time to help children deal with their feelings?

Jane perked up.

“It’s not hard to find time,” she said. - Come to school early, leave late, spend less time on lunch and forget about the toilet.

“Of course,” Ken nodded, “and in between planning lessons, checking notebooks, preparing schedules, and speaking at conferences (and between teaching as such), think about how your students might feel and how to fantasize to give them what which they cannot get in reality.

Listening to Ken, I thought: “Maybe I want too much from teachers...”

Jane seemed to read my thoughts:

– I know that the workload of teachers is very high. But it is very important for children to feel that they are understood. You know that when children are upset they... can not concentrate. They can't absorb new material. If we want to free their minds so they can think and learn, then we need to respect their emotions.

“And not only at school, but also at home,” Maria added understandingly.

We turned to her.

“When I was nine years old,” she said, “our family moved to another city, and I had to go to new school. I had a very strict teacher. When I did an arithmetic assignment, she returned me a notebook, where all the wrong answers were crossed out with large black crosses. She made me redo the exercise over and over until I got it right. I was so nervous in her classes that I couldn't think. Sometimes I even tried to copy answers from other children. On the eve of an exam, my stomach always hurt. I said: “Mom, I’m afraid.” And she answered: “There is nothing to be afraid of. Just try to do the best you can." My father also said: “If you have learned everything, you have nothing to be afraid of.” But these words made me feel even worse.

Ken looked at Maria with interest.

– What if your parents said: “It looks like this exam really bothers you, Maria”? Would you feel differently?

- Well, of course! – Maria exclaimed. “Because then I could tell them about the black crosses, about the shame I felt when I had to redo everything over and over again in front of the whole class.

Ken was still skeptical.

“But would you be able to get rid of anxiety and do a better job in mathematics?”

Maria thought about it.

“I think so,” she answered slowly, “if my parents had listened to me and let me talk about their fears, then I would have gained courage and I would have wanted to study better.

A few days after this conversation, we had lunch with Maria again. She smiled and pulled out small folded pieces of paper from her purse.

“Listen to what my children told me this week,” she said. – Imagine what I didn’t tell my children after our conversation. The first note is from my daughter Ana Ruth.

Maria unfolded the paper and read: “Mom, the PE teacher made me run an extra lap because I changed too slowly and everyone was looking at me.”

Ken was the first to respond:

– You didn’t say: “What should the teacher have done? Should I praise you? Shall I give you a medal for being such a bigot?”

Everyone laughed, and Maria continued:

“And this is what my son Marco said to me: “Ma, please don’t be angry, I lost my new gloves.”

“Now it’s my turn,” Jane volunteered. - "What?! This month you are already losing your second pair. Do you think I'm printing money? In the future, when you take off your gloves, put them in your pocket. And when getting off the bus, check the seat and floor so that they don’t accidentally fall out!”

- And what's wrong with that? – Ken was surprised. – You teach the child to be responsible.

– The time is incorrect.

- Why?

– When a person is drowning, it is not time to give him swimming lessons.

“Hmm,” Ken grumbled. “I need to think about this... Okay, now it’s your turn, Liz.”

Maria looked at the next piece of paper and said:

– This is also from Ana Ruth: “I don’t know if I want to continue playing in the orchestra.”

I almost jumped on the spot:

– You didn’t say: “We spent so much money on violin lessons, and now you say you want to quit everything! Your father will be very upset when he finds out about this!”

Maria looked at us in amazement:

- How did you all know what I almost said?

“It’s very easy,” Jane smiled. “That’s exactly what our parents told us.” I find myself saying the same thing to my kids all the time.

“Mary,” said Ken, “don’t torment us.” What did you really tell the children?

“When Marco couldn't find new gloves,” Maria replied, “I didn't scold him. I just said, "Losing things is very unpleasant ... Do you think you could not leave your gloves on the bus?" He looked at me like he couldn't believe his own ears and said he would ask the driver the next day.

Maria continued:

“And when Ana Ruth said that the PE teacher made her run in front of the whole class, I replied: “You must have felt very embarrassed.” She replied: “Yes, yes!” – and then changed the subject, which is very characteristic of her, because she never tells me anything.

But the most amazing thing happened then,” Maria said. - After the music lesson, the daughter said that she did not know if she wanted to continue playing in the orchestra. She simply killed me with these words, but I restrained myself: “So you both want to play in the orchestra and you don’t want to?” Ana Ruth thought about it. And then she spoke, and everything became clear to me. She said that she liked playing the violin, but rehearsing took too much time. She hardly communicates with friends, no one calls her. She probably has no friends left at all. And then she cried, and I began to console her.

“Oh, Maria,” I said. Her words touched me deeply.

- It's funny, isn't it? – asked Jane. “Ana Ruth couldn’t tell you what was really bothering her until you acknowledged her right to her own feelings.”

“Yes, yes,” Maria nodded energetically. – And as soon as the real problem was revealed, Ana herself figured out how to help herself. The next day she said that she decided to stay in the orchestra and look for new friends there.

- This is wonderful! – I was happy.

“Yes,” Maria answered, frowning slightly. “But I only told you about my good deeds.” I didn't say what happened when Marco told me he hated Mr. Petersen.

“Oh-oh-oh... It’s hard,” I sighed. “You helped Mr. Petersen all last year, didn’t you?”

It seemed that Maria was in great pain.

- He is very good teacher, she whispered. - Very serious.

“That’s exactly what I wanted to say,” I explained. – You worked together. On the one hand, you wanted to support your son. On the other hand, you highly appreciate Mr. Petersen, and you did not want to criticize him.

“Not only Mr. Petersen,” Maria nodded. - I guess I'm a little old-fashioned, but I think that a child should not speak badly about teachers.

“But, having supported your son,” Jane intervened, “you didn’t have to condemn Mr. Petersen ...

Jane quickly jotted down her typical parental response to a child complaining about a teacher. And then we all tried to come up with a useful dialogue together.

Our problem was not to agree with the child and not to humiliate the teacher. Here's what we came up with:

Accept and understand your child's feelings and desires

The bell rang. Ken took his tray and said:

– I’m not yet sure that all this is correct. Maybe this is suitable for parents, but it seems to me that it is enough for a teacher to be a worthy person, love children, know his subject and be able to teach it.

“Unfortunately,” Jane objected, leaving with him, “this is not so.” If you want to teach well, you need students who are emotionally ready to listen and learn.

I hurried after them, feeling that I needed to say something, but not knowing what exactly. As I drove home that day, I looked back on our conversations that week and felt a new conviction growing within me.

I wish I could tell Ken then:

The teacher's goal is not simply to convey facts and information to students.

December 25, 2016

Description of the artwork «How to talk so children will listen and how to listen so children will talk» (Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish)

Everyone has problems in relationships with children. “Why don’t you listen, why do you behave this way?” – such reproaches are familiar to every child. And every parent sometimes feels powerless when they cannot “get through” to their son or daughter. But maybe the whole point is that adults do not always know HOW to convey their thoughts and feelings to the child and HOW to understand him?

This book is a reasonable, understandable, well-written and humorous guide on HOW to communicate correctly with children (from preschoolers to teenagers). No boring theory! Only verified practical recommendations and a lot of living examples for all occasions!

The authors, world-renowned experts in the field of parent-child relationships, share with the reader both their own experience (each has three adult children) and the experience of numerous parents who have attended their seminars.

The book will be of interest to anyone who wants to come to full understanding with children and stop “generational conflicts” forever.

Download How to talk so children will listen, and how to listen so children will talk in FB2, EPUB, PDF formats.

and Elaine Mazlish

with Lisa Nyberg

and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

Illustrations by Kimberly Ann Soe

HOW TO TALK SO KIDS CAN LEARN AT HOME AND IN SCHOOL

© 1995 by Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish, Lisa Nyberg, and Rosalyn Anstine Templeton

© Novikova T. O., translation, 2010

© Edition in Russian, design. LLC Publishing House E, 2016

A child understands the attitude of his parents and teachers towards him by the way they talk to him. The words of adults affect a child's self-esteem and self-esteem. The speech of adults largely determines the fate of a child.

Chaim Ginott

This book was born thanks to the help of many people who believed in our success. Our family and friends helped us a lot. Parents, teachers, and psychologists from the United States and Canada told us how they use communication skills at home and at work. Many talked to us, others sent letters. Joanna Faber taught in a city school for ten years and provided us with many moving examples from her own school experience. Bradley University and Brattain Primary School provided us with great support and assistance. We are forever grateful to our resident artist, Kimberly Ann Cowie, who again managed to sort through our quick sketches and breathe life and warmth into them. Our literary agent Bob Markel provided the right advice at the right time. We always felt the warm support of our publisher, Elinor Rawson, who always knew in which direction we should move next.

Finally, we would like to thank Dr. Thomas Gordon for the great work he has done in the area of ​​adult-child relationships. Of course, we cannot fail to mention our mentor, Dr. Chaim Ginott. It was he who helped us understand why “every teacher must first teach humanity, and only then his subject.”

How did this book come about?

The idea for this book began when we, two young mothers, came to a parenting group of the famous child psychologist Dr. Chaim Ginott. After each lesson, we returned home together, and all the way there we were amazed at the effectiveness of the new communication skills we had just learned. We so regretted not owning them many years ago, when we worked professionally with children, one of us teaching in high schools in New York City, and the other teaching next door in Manhattan.

Then we could not even imagine what these studies would lead to. Twenty years later, the books we wrote for parents have sold more than 2 million copies around the world and have been translated into more than ten languages. The lectures we have given in almost every state of the United States and in every province of Canada attract many interested listeners. Over 50,000 groups enjoy our audio and video content in countries including Nicaragua, Kenya, Malaysia and New Zealand. For twenty years, we have constantly heard stories from teachers about how attending our lectures, taking our courses, or reading our books has benefited their work. These people literally demanded that we write a book especially for them.

An educator from Troy, Michigan wrote:

I have worked with unruly, at-risk students for over twenty years. I was amazed at how much I was able to learn from your books for parents... Today, in the district where I consult teachers, a new school discipline plan is being developed. I truly believe that the philosophy of your book will serve as the cornerstone of the new plan. Are you planning to write a book specifically for teachers?

A school social worker from Florissant, Missouri wrote:

I recently introduced the program of your group seminar “How to speak so that children will listen” to parents in our area. One of the mothers, an educator herself, began using new skills in school and noticed that there were significantly fewer behavior problems in her class. This was also noticed by the school director, who was concerned about the increase in the number of punishments and expulsions from her educational institution. She was so impressed by the changes in our class that she asked me to conduct a workshop for all teachers.

The results were amazing. The number of “requests” for punishments and temporary suspensions from classes has sharply decreased. Children began to skip classes less often, and their self-esteem increased significantly.

A psychologist from New York wrote to us:

I was seriously concerned that more and more children were coming to school with knives and guns. I constantly think that increasing the number of security guards and installing metal detectors will not help us. It is important to establish effective communication with children. Perhaps if teachers had the skills you describe, it would be easier for them to help children deal with their difficult problems in a non-violent way. Would you like to write a book for teachers, school principals, PTA members, teaching assistants, school bus drivers, secretaries, etc., etc.?

We took these suggestions very seriously, but decided that we could not take on the responsibility of writing a book specifically for teachers. After all, we haven't been teaching for a long time.

And then we got a call from Rosalyn Templeton and Lisa Nyberg. Lisa happened to be a third and fourth grade teacher at Brattain Elementary School in Springfield, Oregon. Rosalyn trained future teachers at Bradley University in Peoria, Illinois. Both were dissatisfied with the widespread use of coercion and punishment for disciplinary purposes in secondary schools. Lisa and Rosalyn told us that they have been collecting materials for a long time to offer teachers alternative methods to make students more focused and disciplined. After reading our book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, they realized it was exactly what they needed and asked our permission to adapt the book for teachers.

During the conversation, it became clear that the experience of these teachers is very wide. Both women taught in urban, suburban and rural schools in different regions of the country, both had advanced degrees in education and taught various workshops for teachers. Suddenly, the project, the implementation of which we had put off for so long, seemed quite feasible. If, in addition to our own teaching experience and the materials with which teachers have provided us for twenty years, we can draw on the vast experience of these two teachers, then we may have a very useful book.

That summer, Rosalyn and Lisa came to visit us. We found a common language from the very beginning. After discussing the rough outline of the book, we decided to present the material from the point of view of a young teacher who is trying to find a way to reach her students. In this image we wanted to combine our own experience. We also decided to use the same elements as in our previous books - comics, questions and answers and illustrated stories.

But the longer we talked, the clearer it became that if we are going to cover the entire problem of children's education, then we will have to go beyond the classroom and pay no less attention to the first teacher who is constantly present in the child's life, that is, the parent. Whatever happens at school from 9:00 to 15:00 is largely determined by what happens to the child before and after that time. No matter how good the intentions of the parent and teacher, if they both do not have the means to implement them, the child will grow up to be a failure.