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I want more children what to do. "Please don't judge me, but I don't want more kids

I remember myself as a girl of kindergarten age, my first "fiance" four-year-old Romka, with whom the details were vigorously discussed life together. In childhood dreams there was a spacious house and many children. Then I grew up. The grooms changed, but the dream remained the same until a certain age, until I realized, having stumbled upon a lot of obstacles, that life corrects children's fantasies.

Getting pregnant doesn't work right away

“Inflate with the wind” and “get pregnant from a glance” - these fables are believed when you are no more than 20. But as soon as the family planning process begins, obstacles arise: either your health let us down, or the tests are bad, or just some kind of indifference comes. But even with good health, it is often impossible to get pregnant at will. Then sex ceases to be a pleasure, but turns into an obsession with becoming a mother. This is accompanied by an internal search for desired sensations, and then a terrible disappointment when menstruation occurs. I had to experience it personally. The dream of having a second child turned into many unsuccessful attempts and treatment.

Difficulties in subsequent pregnancies

During my first pregnancy, everything went as expected. The test showed 2 strips, and I began to count 36 weeks until the desired event - the birth of a baby. At this time, she took vitamins, tried to eat right, visited a doctor once every 14 days, passed the necessary tests and thought about what to name her child. The birth took place almost at the appointed time.

7 years have passed, and I decided to have a second child. But now everything was different. At first, the so-called biochemical pregnancy happened, almost imperceptibly interrupted for a very long time. early term and overlooked by many women. However, this does not apply to those who carefully monitor the cycle, because they dream of having a baby. When such a pregnancy is interrupted, there is no limit to the grief of women. They worry and cry as if they have lost a real fetus, and not 2 cells that have just merged with each other.

I experienced the same state.

A month later, my joy knew no bounds: a real pregnancy came with a fixed fetus. After 9 months, the long-awaited girl was born. However, the dream of having many children did not leave me. And I decided on a third child when my daughter was one year old.

Pregnancy often does not end in childbirth

When I went for an ultrasound, the specialist told me that the fetus froze a month ago. My despair knew no bounds. After all, all this month I stroked my stomach, talked to the future baby, wondered who would be born. And his heart was no longer beating. Tears poured from my eyes. She asked the doctor about the reason, blaming her for her middle age. But the doctor told me that this happens now with 19-year-olds, and in general, almost 30% of pregnancies end in this. The ecology is to blame. The gynecologist advised me to be treated for six months and try to get pregnant again.

After being discharged from the hospital, she quickly recovered. Rehabilitation at home and with my children was successful. After 3 months, the thought of a child crept into my head again. After the same time, I saw 2 strips on the test. A six-month pregnancy ended with dilatation at 21 weeks and sepsis. The chances of saving the baby already living in me were zero. Doctors fought for my life by diagnosing ICI. In the perinatal center, they told me that the doctors were to blame for not sewing me up 2 months ago.

Why is two children enough for me?

This is not a sentence if the dream remained a dream. But, paradoxically, as soon as my daughter turned 2 years old, there was a burning need to go to work. I got bored reading fairy tales, playing with dolls with my daughter, running after her while walking around the playground. I was not interested in talking about children with other mothers.

Perhaps someone will consider me a bad mother, but I wanted to spend at least some time on myself, feel moments of solitude from others, make a career, although it is believed that she and children are incompatible concepts.

I don’t want to be sewn up at 14 weeks, to lie down the whole pregnancy with my legs up, afraid to even cough. And I don't want to worry about the children left without me when I go to the hospital for preservation.

I don’t want to lie down at all, I want to live and enjoy life and raise grown children. I realized that I want to move, enjoy full life, engage with growing children who ask questions and realize requests.

Many children - many nerves

Children are great! I love them, but I understand that my growing daughter and son require more and more attention. The older my daughter gets, the more time I need to devote to her. And the son also requires attention, and at ten the first signs of adolescence are already visible. I’m still coping, but the thought often comes to my mind: “Would I manage if there were three of them?”. Probably, yes… Or maybe not, and this was not given to me for nothing… In any case, there is no desire to experiment.

Sometimes I dream that I am pregnant. Then I wake up in a cold sweat, feel my stomach and breathe a sigh of relief, it's all behind me, and no more!

Alas, but this is reality. Young women, having married, tend to avoid pregnancy. And it's not just the laywomen. Orthodox women doubt whether they should give birth to children ...

A letter from Natalia came to the Internet forum of the Foma magazine, where a difficult topic was touched upon - what to do if, considering yourself a Christian, you do not want more children? And how many children should there be in an Orthodox family? Natalia's letter gave rise to a heated discussion among readers - believers and those who are far from the Church, even those who have a negative attitude towards religion as such.

We want to acquaint you with their opinions and the commentary of the priest, since such questions are usually addressed to the confessor.

Letter to the editor

Help me understand myself. The thing is, I don't want more kids. I now have a nine month old daughter. The question is not that acute - for health reasons, I still can’t get pregnant in the next two or three years, but in general. I know that for a Christian, not having children is a sin. But I don’t want more children, I’m even scared to think about it. And not that the first child was heavy - he was ill, capricious. On the contrary, everything is fine. But I can not.

I'm wrong. I love to work, I like it a thousand times more than sitting at home with a child. Of course, I still work from home, but it's hard. And if I don't work, I feel like my life is wasted. All the words that motherhood is the highest work of a woman do not convince me: I know very well that as a professional I am much better. But at the same time, I am a responsible mother, I try to do a lot with the child. I can’t just give up on upbringing and throw my daughter to a nanny or grandmother either (and there’s no one, to be honest). And after suffering with an attempt to establish breastfeeding, I’m scared to even think that the next child will have to be fed again ...

Maybe I have such an attitude because I just grew up with a housewife mom (forced housewife - the disease forced me to leave work). And it was better for no one from this, either for me or for her. My parents lived together for 42 years, three children ... And I always thought that I wanted three or four children, that's the laugh. That’s why I now have a “script conflict” - if I had been initially set up for one, the problem would not have arisen. And suddenly it turned out that I couldn’t, that I felt like I was in prison.

No joy, constant thoughts of suicide ... What is happening to me? Apparently, I'm just not fit for motherhood - but how can this be combined with religion, because this is selfishness? At the same time, you still want children, that's the horror.

P.S. Clarification: when I write that I do not want more children, we are talking about a “conscious”, planned pregnancy. If pregnancy occurs by accident, unexpectedly - of course, there will be no interruption, I will give birth and even be glad about it, oddly enough.

What do you think about it? Suggest something. Natalia (The name of the author of the letter has been changed. - Ed.)

Priest Igor Fomin, priest of the Church of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God on Red Square:

Hello, Natalia! Your letter seemed to me very interesting, it is filled with sincerity and a call for help.

But I will not give instructions: “Do not give birth! From such good mom will not work” or: “Give birth! That's how a real mother should be." None of the canons says exactly how many children should be born, one or twenty. Everything here is very individual. Orthodoxy is a religion of freedom. But it is important that our freedom does not become a temptation for others. As the apostle Paul said: “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial” ().

Let's look at the cause of your problem. Since you asked this question, it means that you care about it. Every person has a conscience - a speaker through which the Lord speaks to you. It means that your conscience is restless, and something needs to be changed.

Faith and Religion: What's the Difference?

In one of the reviews on the forum there was a phrase that religion is like a fifth leg to you. This means that a person does not understand why faith is needed, considers it only a list of burdensome rules. If this is the case with faith, it really becomes a hateful burden. There are supposedly rules of etiquette, traffic but there are religious rules.

So let's first agree on terms. We can say that faith and religion are two different levels of spiritual life. Religion is the outward expression of a person's faith. Religious people live according to the letter of the law, they know the rules, they go to church, go to confession and communion, and observe fasts. But all this happens for them, as it were, in parallel with their main life. As if they are skiing down the hill of life and trying to maneuver, fit into the gates of morality. You can be religious all your life and never become a Christian.

Believers are those to whom the Lord has come. They differ from others in that they are filled with life, light, love. It is pleasant to be with them, even just to be silent together. There is something unearthly in believers, they become higher than morality (I mean our secular, earthly morality), higher than ethics and worldly principles. They have it, but they are already above it. They can voluntarily sacrifice something of their own for the sake of the main thing. Children are examples here.

A small child, wherever you take him, will find something to do everywhere, figure out how to entertain himself. The child is full of joy, no matter how strict you are with him. A minute later, wiping his tears, he grabs your hand: “Let's go quickly! There is a very important matter. We need to build a city in the sandbox.”

You write that if the Lord sends you an unplanned pregnancy, you will not have an abortion. And thank God that you have such thoughts, firm religious foundations. I think you are more of a believer, but, apparently, you have driven yourself into the moral and ethical framework of religiosity. A person realizes that he is committing a sin, thinks that now he will not be saved, and falls into despair.

The paradox of having many children

Based on my own experience and the experience of many families I know, I can say the following about having many children. Care with one child is one, with two - one times 1.25, and with three - even less. That is, with each child you have fewer problems, fewer worries - such a paradox.

Children in large families from the early age grow up independent, learn to think about others. If you ask mothers with many children, they will say that a family begins with three children. One child is an egoist, two children are always fighting each other, and three are already normal people. With one they are worn too much, they don’t know how to handle it, the child becomes a kind of king. Two always painfully share everything between themselves, starting with mom. And when there are three children, all distortions are usually smoothed out. Mom is not divided into three.

I think you are depressed precisely by the fact that you always knew that you would be a mother of many children. In general, a woman has great potential, as one of the respondents on the forum noted - about 20-25 children. And a woman who gives birth little or does not give birth at all, must somehow realize these forces of the body. Therefore, we are now seeing "iron" business women ... You are a professional in your field. But if you had 3-4 children, this professionalism would only multiply. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. If parents take care of their children, they absorb their experience, character traits. And here is one child ... oddly enough, he, as a rule, does not adopt the good principles of his parents. Everyone can check this for themselves, because we are a generation from “incomplete families” with one or two children.

The main goal of a Christian is to be saved. And the Lord endowed us with the means of salvation, with weapons, as warriors. And the outcome of the battle depends on how we use these means. If we treat our children badly, minus us, if we are lazy at work, it is also a minus, and so on. And if we have harmony in life, this is only a plus, everything needs a golden mean. By the way, many priests advise young mothers to work as best they can, including at home, so as not to get hung up on the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Yes, it is not easy to balance family and work. And no one promised that it would be easy. If you came to the temple, became a believer, this does not mean that all the problems in your life are now resolved. The temple is not a social service bureau. No, the problems will remain - the attitude towards them will change.

The fact that your daughter is not sick, not naughty is wonderful and rare in our nervous time. I hope that if you keep peace, calmness in your soul, then other children, if they appear, will become the same peaceful people. For example, there are three children in our family. And they are also very calm. Probably because my mother is a wonderful, quiet person. When the children were small, we did not even know when they were teething, they were so calm.

If we talk about the concepts of "bad mother" - "good mother", these concepts are relative. We shouldn't judge others, but we shouldn't judge ourselves either. This is the work of God. We can recognize our sins, know that we are not perfect, and try to correct our mistakes. But falling into despair, they say, "Oh, I'm going to hell ..." is not worth it. It seems to me that a person should first of all see in his life not sin, but the mercy of God. Sin is already a consequence of how we abuse this grace. If all our attention is riveted to ourselves, to our sins, where is the place for the Lord, His love for us?

“We want to give the child the best!”

Today, many women are wondering if it is worth giving birth if we live in such a difficult time. Believe me, the Lord very wisely distributes everything necessary for each person. How much you can bear, so many children will be. It is very important to trust God here. This does not mean going with the flow and doing nothing. No, this is the state when you accept everything that happens to you without grumbling against God. When you know how to enjoy your life, and not lose heart. Whatever the strip of your life - light or dark - you realize that this is the best of all that could happen to you. Here you have a necessary life test. This does not mean that we should give up: "Lord, I trust You, work for me." No, learn everything you can, get ready. But which ticket you pull out is no longer up to you. Trust God and pull.

Look how happy parents with many children or those who have family orphanages. And they most often have little money, the younger children wear clothes and shoes for the older ones. One of the comments sounded: “why give birth to poverty?”. In fact, this is not true at all. They say there is not enough money to raise children? I can answer that money is usually never enough. Poverty and wealth are themselves relative concepts. There are people who have little money, but they are rich, because, according to Adamych from the movie "Old New Year': 'What is there? And what is needed. What do you need? And what is there. Unfortunately, there are also reverse examples: there is a lot of money, but there is no happiness and satisfaction.

Parents-to-be often say, “We want the very best for our child. And until we give birth. Or - we want to live for ourselves. They use contraception or have abortions. And after all, these are often fairly wealthy families. They think it's better to kill the baby in the womb. I am surprised by the people who cry over the murdered children in Beslan, while they themselves have abortions. Several hundred children died there, and how many abortions a year are done in Russia? Isn't this murder? It's just that grief is in plain sight, but this is seemingly imperceptible. We must love not only the affected children, but also our own, who can be really helped.

Natalia, at the end of our conversation, I wanted to tell you one more thing. Firstly, it is very important to be able to enjoy household chores. It is quite possible. I will give an example from the same forum of the Foma magazine. One young mother was at home for a long time with a child. First she climbed the wall, and then she took up the house. She began to bake pies according to various recipes, sewed curtains, and resumed piano lessons. She had an interest in life, and the house became much more comfortable. She did not look back, but learned to navigate in this situation. And most importantly, remember that in all these petty household chores, not longing for a “free” life can be expressed, but love for loved ones.

Secondly, do not feel like a victim of a home routine. Let sometimes something be left unfinished. It's great when mom can find time to go to visit or just take a walk in the park, sit on a bench and eat ice cream, relax and think. Then fatigue will pass, and the house and children will be in joy.

Recorded Merkulova Elena

Note MS. I would answer - do not want to give birth - do not give birth!

The desire to have more children is the natural desire of a harmonious and kind person.

There are people and families, the multiplication of which is, in principle, undesirable for society, because. they carry destructive patterns of behavior. At the same time, it is these behavior patterns that self-limit the growth of these families. If they find the strength in themselves for the better, get rid of their own egoism, realize disharmonious behavior patterns, specific family passions, then such people will have a desire to have many children.

Therefore, I think this answer of the priest is off topic. To such a question, one should think about the psychological reasons that cause dislike for children, and not think about how good it is to have many children.

More recently, it was simply unthinkable to say out loud that children and family are not the main purpose of a woman. But now some girls openly admit that they do not want to give birth. How to perceive such statements and how to resist the pressure of others if you consider yourself a childfree? The expert speaks.

Lucia Suleymanova, clinical psychologist, candidate of psychological sciences

Childfree is a person who has chosen the absence of children as a life principle. And this is not just the life position of a few "strange" people. If 30 years ago such girls would not have dared to tell the truth in a society that lives by different laws, today it has become possible. It must be borne in mind that they are not at all aggressive towards their opponents. Their position is quite calm: "We do not want to have children, but you can do as you like."

Of course, in Lately on the pages social networks there are more and more battles between those who find their calling in motherhood and those who see themselves on the other side of the barricades. The reason for the fight is clear. I do not want to make any moral assessments, because they are inappropriate and it will be wrong. But, of course, in these kinds of situations, it is a conversation of people who speak different languages.

Nevertheless, you need to understand that not wanting to have children is normal. A person has the right to manage his life as he sees fit, as his interests and goals suggest him. Such people allowed themselves to speak the truth, honestly and responsibly. To admit that you do not want, are not able, are afraid, do not consider it important to have a child is, in a sense, courageous. It is important to understand that everyone decides this question for himself. But do not confuse the conscious decision to become a childfree and simply childlessness.

Why do people choose not to have children?

To understand why people make certain decisions that determine their whole life, you need to turn to the true values of a person. Of course, if this value is "sewn" inside you - a child, then if you do not realize yourself as a mother, you will experience, perhaps even suffer. Now imagine that you have completely different values. It happens because we are all very different. Refusal of the desire to have a child may be dictated by religious service, the desire to realize higher values: to help people, be a volunteer, do charity work or devote oneself to art, science, a career. That is, such a person will feel that he has a different mission, and the child is secondary to the main goal.

There are cases that illustrate "growth problems". Such people do not want to have children because they have not yet played enough, traveled enough, had fun, but with this light-hearted attitude to life, they turned out to be responsible enough to admit that giving birth “in company” with their peers is dishonest and wrong. For this type of people, everything can change. New life circumstances, a different job, a different environment, even a change in climate can awaken parental instincts.

It happens that children from large families become convinced childfree. I mean really large families, where, for example, ten children or more. It seems that they "worked out" their parental instincts in childhood. Another option is when the childfree position is used to cover up their own fears. Fear of getting pregnant, getting fat, suffering - in a word, risking yourself for another life. You have probably heard more than once how mothers say that they are ready to risk literally everything for the sake of their child. And they are ready to endure pain and inconvenience for the sake of a new life. So imagine that there are those who are not ready.

Of course, the reasons why a person becomes a childfree are always inside. But the diversity of opportunities that culture provides has also had an impact. Today, there are many more options for how to realize yourself. Women make a career, make serious decisions, manage large processes.

What to do if you do not want children, but others are putting pressure on you

First of all, I want to address those who put pressure on the childless. In Russia, this is not only mom, dad, beloved granny and best friend but any person in general. Old acquaintances, classmates, colleagues - everyone believes that they have the right to ask if you have children. When they hear “no”, they always ask another question: “What do you think about it, time is running out?” To all these people, I want to say: the harder you push, the stronger the resistance will be. In fact, by talking about a child, you are cultivating the seeds of childfree.

If you are a “victim” of your relatives and you are bombarded with such talk at every family dinner, the worst thing you can do is show aggression. Excuses, anger will only give ground for discussion of this issue. Behind your back, all the sympathizers will sort out your supposed experiences and fears to the bone. So the first rule is not to get angry or make excuses.

As in any other good deed, the best improvisation is the one prepared in advance. And you have to be ready to defend. The first option is avoiding the answer. Think of any common phrases from those that are written in statuses in social networks and on T-shirts. For example: "Everything has its time", "I'm not ready yet."

The second option is the "top" position. This is a strong position. It suggests answers that clearly indicate that the situation is under your control. A phrase like “I haven’t been made an offer I can’t refuse yet” or any other that sounds confident will do.

Another, rather mild option is the “amortization” of the conflict. Don't argue, don't get angry, don't offer to those who will evoke a lively response. For example, the phrase "I decided to make a career first" will give rise to an argument that can easily last several hours. Start saying something neutral, quickly shifting the conversation to your interlocutors. Ask when they wanted a child, how they realized that this was their man, how they cope, in the end. In a word, remember that everyone loves to talk about themselves, and take advantage of this.

When it comes to colleagues former classmates, any unfamiliar people, you can use the tactics of "soft attack". But keep in mind that relations after this may cool somewhat. Answer the question about marriage and children honestly. And, without waiting for the next round, start your interrogation: “Is your husband handsome?”, “Does he earn a lot?”, “Does he help around the house?” In a word, let me understand that marriage itself is such an acquisition.

With colleagues for whom you have respect and whom you do not want to embarrass, you can act softer. Be sincere and compliment: "If I had your charm, I might already be married."

If heavy artillery in the form of the female half of relatives does not react in any way to your arguments and continues to go on the offensive, you can stop this enthusiasm with the help of fictitious phobias. Open the Internet and choose some prettier. For example, the fear of gaining weight or the fear of pregnancy and childbirth - tocophobia. In case it came to phobias, important rule: as many obscure words and unfamiliar text as possible. Your interlocutor should not have any chance to give advice or continue to carry on the conversation.

Another rather radical variant of behavior is to find fault with the word. "When are you going to have a baby?" - people around ask. “You can get a kitten,” you say and “jump” to something new. After a while, it will be embarrassing to return to the original topic of the conversation.

Well, don't forget about jokes - they work in many situations. Jokes should be a heap. Prepare them ahead of time. “I just know what contraception is!”, “I’m afraid the children will prevent me from going to the bar on Fridays.”

In general, the rules are as follows: treat the process as a game. Do it easy and good mood.

Why society seeks to convert childfree to their faith

Let's get back to values. Those who ask you about a child believe that a woman's calling is to give birth and raise a child. They really can't understand why you don't think so. Therefore, they explain this fact to themselves by some problems that, in their opinion, need to be addressed. About aggression: childfree is based on hedonism - pleasure as the goal of life. People who have come to this understanding of the world, as a rule, are harmonious and calm. Which, by the way, can not be said about some representatives of the clan "mommies". Please don't think that I am judging anyone. Just hormonally and physically raising a child is a completely different story. This is not a game of "what is good, what is bad." We are different. It is important to remember about mutual respect: in in public places, in personal conversations, in any difficult situations. Today, childfree people easily express their beliefs. They are still condemned, but 30 years ago, even to say that you do not even think about a child was a problem.

From time immemorial, the purpose of creating any family was the birth and upbringing of heirs.

Those who did not adhere to this "algorithm" were considered losers and selfish. The fact is that, despite the happiness that comes to the house with the birth of a baby, this period accounts for a large number of life changes and difficulties.

Of course, childbearing is a great process, thought out to the smallest detail by nature for the continuation of the human race. However, there are a huge number of people who consider themselves to be a group of so-called childfree (from the English "child" - a child, "free" - freedom).

Do not hang any labels on them and throw sidelong glances in their direction. We need to understand the reasons behind this decision. This is what we will try to do.

Why don't I want kids?

1 In the first place - a career! Moving up the career ladder, a person occupies a solid social position and achieves financial well-being.

And of course, in order to stay at the peak of your success, you must choose between a career and a child.

Many people stop at the first point in order to fully concentrate their attention on it, while not being distracted by the second.

2 Financial insecurity. Some people somehow make ends meet on their own, not to mention having a baby. They are guided by the fact that they do not want them to grow up in poverty.

This is true: children need financial assistance for a very long time. Basically until they start working.

But it also happens that parents support their children throughout their lives.

3 Protest against population growth. It is known that the number of people on our planet has increased greatly in recent years.

Therefore, some families do not want to contribute to this process.

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And there are people who believe that it is better to adopt an orphan than to give birth to their own.

4 Satisfaction with your life. When the family has already built their ideal life, she does not want to change it, adjusting it to the newly born little man.

These people are comfortable in the state they are in now. And they have enough communication that they receive from each other and from friends.

5 As a child, someone was an older brother or sister in a large family.

Hence, the lack of childhood, since a lot of time had to be spent on caring for the youngest. And now these people want to live for their own pleasure.

And they have enough mediocre communication with children: with “babies” of friends or relatives.

6 Lack of love in the parental family. For this reason, people are afraid that they will not be able to give their children a worthy upbringing, because they have not received the necessary example in their family. They are also afraid that their future babies will feel unwanted.

7 Dislike for children. Many people do not want to have children of their own because they do not like children in general. They get annoyed with everything that concerns little people.

Such people cannot behave tolerantly to children's whims. They hate the life of any parent. And they just don't want to take responsibility for anyone's life.

8 Uncomfortable being in the world. There are people who are overly prone to anxiety, nervous breakdowns and have a bunch of complexes. Often they do not want to "share" their problems with their own offspring, and therefore give up the idea of starting it.

After all, everyone knows that children copy the behavior of their parents and eventually begin to think like them.

9 Closeness of a person. There are introverted individuals who categorically do not accept human society. They need a lot of time to be alone with their thoughts and feelings.

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And with the advent of a baby in the house, this time is catastrophically reduced.

Undoubtedly, this character trait does not always entail a separate existence, but does not exclude it.

10 Nomadic lifestyle. If people constantly travel, whether for work or leisure, they cannot provide stability to their child. And not wanting to change anything in their lives, they give up the idea to continue their race.

11 Anxiety about pregnancy and childbirth. Many women are afraid of the dramatic changes in the body that occur during these periods. Sometimes these fears develop into phobias associated with doctors and hospitals.

12 Animal Fanatics. For these people, their pet becomes the most important creature in life.

Often, he replaces them with a child, so the birth of a real baby is not discussed.

Moreover, pets are less whimsical and more independent than children.

13 Reluctance to be with each other for the sake of children. When a child is born, the couple becomes forever connected, because even when they part, they will have a common being that binds them.

And they will subsequently have to meet or call up to solve any problems that arise related to the child.

To avoid this, some people prefer to do without children in the family.

A woman does not need to have children in order to feel happy. But for many, this phrase still sounds like the height of selfishness and stupidity. If a woman does not see herself as a mother, can she fully realize herself?

Today a woman can be a mother and a professional at the same time. Sometimes her life is so full that she begins to perceive the unborn child as a ballast. It deprives you of peace, upsets your plans, brings to life a lot of unnecessary expenses and inconveniences. Many allow themselves to talk about it out loud. For example, childfree (eng. "free from children") - men and women who deliberately abandoned children.

On women's forums, you can meet aggressive supporters of this trend, they experience real hatred for children - most often the result of deep personal complexes.

But most childfrees get along great with nephews and children of friends, like, say, actress Eva Longoria. For various reasons, they simply do not see themselves as parents. Sometimes that decision can change, as in the case of musician and double-daddy Robbie Williams.

Family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova is sure that most women have a need for motherhood and it is not worth making a tragedy because someone simply does not want to give birth.

“Happiness is when a person feels fulfilled in all areas of life that are significant to him. And it is important that each of these areas has its own. What games did you like to play as a child - daughter-mother, artist, astronaut, doctor? Imagine that a mother decides: a girl should only play mother-daughter. Well, her daughter is not interested in this game! And they tell her: do not believe your feelings, every woman should become a mother.

Needless to say, a woman can be needed not only for a child

In my practice, there were women who refused to have children, at least for the foreseeable future. And they felt completely happy when they realized what their “favorite games” were. The result of psychotherapy in this case is the opportunity to choose. Sometimes it is the destruction of a rigid program. Is it good for society? Probably still good. A happy society is made up of happy citizens."

Raising a child is the same work as any other, you can be successful in it or not. Not all women really love children, even those who have them. So is it worth it to give birth if you don’t want to, just because you “have to” or “it will be too late”? Will such a woman succeed as a mother, will she be happy?

Elena is an experienced mother and is sure that it is not the child himself who makes a woman happy, but the feeling of being needed: “In the first years of a baby’s life, the mother understands that the baby cannot do without her. She needs her child 24 hours a day. Even with all the trouble, it brings true happiness. But children grow up, and any mother can feel devastated. It creeps up on me now, when my daughter has become a teenager. I think that's why most women begin to demand grandchildren from their children - in order to re-experience a sense of significance. But needless to say, a woman can be needed not only for a child.

If she is an actress, the audience needs her, if she is a writer, her readers need her, if she is a doctor, her patients need her. At the same time, for happiness, she may not need children at all. I think that this is quite normal. Only when a woman is no longer needed does she become unhappy.”

“I know women who felt miserable while raising children. Their relationship with their children improved markedly as soon as they began to understand their own needs and desires and satisfy them. For this, it is not at all necessary to abandon children. You just need to pamper yourself sometimes just like your beloved child, ”adds Elena Ulitova.

To be happy means not just to give birth, but to feel harmonious in this role

Of course, motherhood can be combined with a career or creativity, if you really want to - such examples are also known to everyone. Angelina Jolie - mother of many children and popular actress.

Jungian psychology calls to pay attention to the word "happiness" in Russian. It is the combination of parts into a whole. Therefore, a person is happy who has overcome internal conflicts, who has known his different sides.

“Procreation is not only a biological and socially imposed destiny of a woman. Most women see it as their moral and spiritual duty, says Jungian psychoanalyst Lev Khegay. - Modern society allows the realization of a woman through symbolic "children": creativity, business and other fruits of activity.

However, the inability to bear children is perceived by a woman as a fatal deformity. This can be compared with disability, when a person does not have a leg or arm. The development of an inferiority complex can save a woman from suffering due to the absence of children.

As a result of psychotherapy, a woman may decide that in the near future she will be better off without children, or, on the contrary, change her point of view in their favor. The key word here is "choice". Perhaps only trust in ourselves and the right choice can make us happy.

How to answer the question why you do not have children?

For someone who has consciously chosen a life without children, such questions hurt. As if the questioner really means: why are you not like the rest of us? Journalist Anna Goldfarb ponders what to answer in this case.

“We don't want to try anymore. »

Svetlana and Anton (44 and 52 years old) wanted a child. But faced with psychologically conditioned infertility. After three years of trying to conceive with modern reproductive technology, they decided to stop.

"I don't want more kids..."

Alas, but this is reality. Young women, having married, tend to avoid pregnancy. And it's not just the laywomen. Orthodox women doubt whether they should give birth to children ...

We want to acquaint you with their opinions and the commentary of the priest, since such questions are usually addressed to the confessor.

What do you think about it? Suggest something. Natalia (The name of the author of the letter has been changed. - Ed.)

Priest Igor Fomin, priest of the Church of the Kazan Icon of the Mother of God on Red Square:

Hello, Natalia! Your letter seemed to me very interesting, it is filled with sincerity and a call for help.

But I will not give instructions: “Do not give birth! Such a good mother will not come out ”or:“ Give birth! That's how a real mother should be." None of the canons says exactly how many children should be born, one or twenty. Everything here is very individual. Orthodoxy is a religion of freedom. But it is important that our freedom does not become a temptation for others. As the apostle Paul said, “Everything is permissible for me, but not everything is beneficial” (1 Cor. 6:12).

Faith and Religion: What's the Difference?

The paradox of having many children

Children in large families from an early age grow up independent, learn to think about others. If you ask mothers with many children, they will say that a family begins with three children. One child is an egoist, two children are always fighting each other, and three are already normal people. With one they are worn too much, they don’t know how to handle it, the child becomes a kind of king. Two always painfully share everything between themselves, starting with mom. And when there are three children, all distortions are usually smoothed out. Mom is not divided into three.

“We want to give the child the best!”

Look how happy parents with many children or those who have family orphanages. And they most often have little money, the younger children wear clothes and shoes for the older ones. One of the comments sounded: “why give birth to poverty?”. In fact, this is not true at all. They say there is not enough money to raise children? I can answer that money is usually never enough. Poverty and wealth are themselves relative concepts. There are people who have little money, but they are rich, because, according to Adamych from the film “Old New Year”, “What do they have? And what is needed. What do you need? And what is there. Unfortunately, there are also reverse examples: there is a lot of money, but there is no happiness and satisfaction.

Recorded Merkulova Elena

Note MS. I would answer - do not want to give birth - do not give birth!

The desire to have more children is the natural desire of a harmonious and kind person.

What to do if you don't want to work

Until a certain moment, it didn’t even occur to me that it was possible not to work. Work seemed inevitable to me, normal stage life is like a school. Therefore, I honestly studied at school, went to university and studied in a boring economic specialty for 4 and 5. I already clearly saw my boring life as an accountant, the hustle and bustle of life and the dreary years before retirement.

In my third year, I started to earn extra money on the Internet, then my articles began to bring in a good income and I realized that I didn’t want to work “offline” at all and I could make money in a way that was comfortable for me. You, too, can find a suitable option not to work.

What if I don't want to work

First you need to understand the reasons for this reluctance and, depending on them, look for a way out:

temporary laziness- in general, I like the work and don’t want to radically change my life, but after a day off or vacation it’s difficult to pull myself together and get to work. For this case, I have a separate article "how to make yourself work", there are very effective methods.
Overwork or "I can't do anything"– work non-stop without days off, breaks at work and at home for a long time. It is very easy to determine this state, because Bad mood, laziness, apathy and unwillingness to do something extends not only to work, but also to other aspects of life (cooking, cleaning, children, husband, walking, hobbies). I just want to lie on the bed all day, stare thoughtlessly at the ceiling and do nothing. You need to get rid of this state in the near future, so far it has not turned into depression - take a vacation, slow down, study time management and manage your time wisely. If necessary, change jobs if you understand that the work rhythm is beyond your capabilities.
Low salary, quarrelsome staff, inconvenient location- in general, any claim that relates exclusively to one particular place. There can be any options, literally one person can annoy and you don’t want to work from this. Then, if there is no way to solve the problem on the spot (talk about a salary increase, improve relationships, rent an apartment closer), you just need to start looking new job. But it is better to look for work in parallel, especially when there is a crisis in the yard.
Hated working hours and morning- early rises in the dark, a quick breakfast, the road to work and back at rush hour in traffic jams, in the evening you return and after a couple of hours you already need to go to bed. There is simply no time left for life! In this case, you should pay attention to part-time work or from home. Part-time jobs are suitable - work for 4 hours at a time convenient for you. So you can earn and live in a mode convenient for you.
The hustle and bustle of life- in principle, here is the same as in the previous version, but more relevant for active or, on the contrary, very slow people who do not keep up with the speed of their colleagues. Energetic people have a lot of plans besides work, but because of the tight regime, they have to skip exhibitions, meetings, interesting events. For such people, work with a flexible schedule is suitable - you are given a task for, say, a week and during this time you need to complete the work. So you can very flexibly adjust work hours to personal needs. Be sure to pay attention to freelancing and remote work.
I don't want to work in an office- Our parents often wanted to work in offices to avoid exhausting work at the factory. But those days are gone and now more than half of the workers sit for hours in offices. Some modern people they simply die of boredom - there is little work, you just have to formally sit out the prescribed hours or do the meaningless work of shifting pieces of paper. Free time can be occupied with personal interests - reading a book, drawing, studying information on your hobby, writing a diploma, or just chatting in social networks. If the work takes up all the free time, but it is meaningless, then it is worth changing the field of activity to something more useful or creative. What exactly is up to you.

I don't want to work for someone else's uncle

Few people want to spend their lives enriching another person, their hated boss. Just thinking about it is enough to lose all desire to go to work to get crumbs from the company's multimillion-dollar profits. You are just a cog in a huge mechanism, which is lubricated only to keep it working, and at the first problems you are ready to replace it. Dark thoughts, but there is a way out.

If this situation scares or annoys you, just become the boss! When you start doing your job, which you love and know, the desire to work does not leave. After all, you understand very well that your income depends on your efforts, you can’t stop.

But other difficulties arise here - you need an idea, diligence, maybe initial investments, and useful connections are also desirable. However, you can find cheap options for a small business, so as not to work for an uncle:

There are other reasons for not wanting to work, but usually one way or another they can be solved: change jobs, field of activity, find a job for a half-day, with flexible hours, part-time work, or work from home. But I still recommend paying attention to working on the Internet - it will help you get money at home.

But there is another group of people who are familiar with the above problems, but the solution "find another way to make money" is absolutely not suitable. Just because well, the soul does not lie to work.

What to do if you don't want to work at all

I must say right away that I will not describe the methods of “how to sit on the neck of loved ones” - to live at the expense of parents until old age, to find a rich husband for the sake of money, to become a gigolo, to constantly ask for money from all acquaintances and strangers, etc. I don’t even consider all such ways to get money, because in my opinion it’s low.

The exception is families in which a joint decision was made for the husband to provide for the family, and the wife to take care of the house and raise the children. Because it is impossible to fully work and at the same time remain an ideal mother. Some area will always suffer. But this decision must be made by the husband and wife jointly, depending on their views and financial situation.

For women, there is one way out of the endless whirlwind - to give birth to a child and go on maternity leave. Of course, you should not do this just to take a break from everyday work, because this will only aggravate the situation.

1. Receive money "out of thin air", i.e. passive income

Passive income- this is the money that goes to the account regardless of your actions. You can spend a week on the beach, and the influx of funds will not stop. It sounds like a fairy tale, but before this magical moment, you will need to work very seriously and invest.

All ways of passive income are described in this article.

In my opinion, the best passive income is to create your own website. The option is not suitable for everyone, because not everyone knows how to write articles or does not want to devote time to its development. Yes, and income does not appear immediately, but only after six months or a year. Some are not willing to wait that long to receive a reward. It's a pity.

Getting pregnant doesn't work right away

Difficulties in subsequent pregnancies

Pregnancy often does not end in childbirth

Why is two children enough for me?

Many children - many nerves

Letter to the editor

Faith and Religion: What's the Difference?

The paradox of having many children

“We want to give the child the best!”

Why do people choose not to have children?

What to do if you do not want children, but others are putting pressure on you

Why society seeks to convert childfree to their faith

Why don't I want kids?

How to answer the question why you do not have children?

“We don't want to try anymore. »

"I don't want more kids..."

Faith and Religion: What's the Difference?

The paradox of having many children

“We want to give the child the best!”

What to do if you don't want to work

What if I don't want to work

What to do if you don't want to work at all

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