What is jealousy and why does it occur? Is feeling jealous a good thing or a bad thing? Feelings of jealousy description.

The concept of jealousy is interpreted as mistrust and doubt in someone's loyalty, love, devotion.

It is impossible to say unequivocally about jealousy - is it good or bad, it all depends on the form and intensity of the manifestation of this feeling.

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Concept and psychology

Jealousy is, first of all, lack of trust in a partner, and it can arise as a result of any proven reasons or develop absolutely groundlessly.

This feeling sometimes defies logical explanation.

There are cases when jealousy manifested itself in relation to a person who is no longer alive, or developed in connection with slander, despite the impeccable behavior of a partner.

Psychologists consider jealousy to be the norm, as a reaction to the proven fact of a partner's betrayal. Also, within the normal range, distrust or doubt in relation to the second half is regarded, triggered by the following factors:

1. Prolonged conflicts in a couple.
2. Praise of strangers in the eyes of a partner.
3. Spouses' neglect of each other.
4. Decreased sexual activity, sexual disharmony.
5. Forced temporary separation (business trips, trips, etc.).

Normal jealousy can be a temporary reaction to the actions of a partner or exist for a long time or be a trait of a person's character, accompanying him all his life.

Normal jealousy commensurate with real circumstances: the fact of treason, coquetry with a stranger, forced separation, etc.

If the feeling of distrust transforms into a crazy idea and becomes chronic, we are talking about the development of a mental illness. The idea of ​​suspicion occupies a dominant position in the patient's mind.

He constantly sorts things out with his half, becomes groundlessly suspicious, visualizes in his head pictures of the betrayal of a partner.

Against the background of the delusional syndrome, emotional excitability occurs, appetite worsens, psychosomatic symptoms develop - weakness, headache, tachycardia.

pathological jealousy in the absence of psychotherapeutic assistance, it always leads to disastrous outcomes: severe physical injuries, suicide, murders of a partner or a “suspected” rival.

The problem of jealousy. About jealousy as a disease in this video:

Types of jealousy

In psychology, the concept of jealousy is classified into 2 types:

1. Normal jealousy - a feeling of doubt in a partner that occurs when a proven fact of infidelity, or when suspected of adultery, due to the behavior of a partner.
2. - chronic paranoid delusional psychosis, which develops as a result of the influence of negative internal and external factors of a jealous personality.

Normal jealousy that occurs in relations between young people or spouses is divided into the following types according to the nature of the manifestations:

Jealousy usually exists in mixed types, for example, tyrannical is combined with inverted, etc.

Normal jealousy can become chronic, gradually turning into paranoia.

Jealous - what does it mean?

Manifestations of jealousy depend on the characteristics of the personality of the jealous person and are characterized by a complex structure in which there are various emotions and states:

• anxiety;
• anger;
• despair;
• hatred;
• envy;
• revenge;
• passion.

The jealous man is tormented by his own suspicions, torments a loved one with reproaches and mistrust. Moreover, the stronger the feelings, the more intense the manifestations of distrust.

Zealous manifestations are contradictory: at the same time, feelings for a loved one increase, his positive qualities are revealed on the other side, but at the same time, reproaches, distrust and doubt increase.

Jealousy - a sentence or a way of life? About the reasons in this video:

Bad feeling or normal?

What does jealousy mean? Jealousy is considered the norm in case of proven fact of betrayal of a loved one, especially against the background of its cooling in intimacy towards your own partner. In this case, jealous manifestations are a common reaction to a negative stimulus.

Doubts in a partner may arise due to fear of losing him, especially if a loved one grows cold in an intimate way, or openly flirts with others.

Jealousy may be caused by a long separation between loved ones.

Such zealous manifestations, as a rule, are short-lived and disappear when negative factors are eliminated.

That is, if sexual life is restored, the beloved returns from a trip, the feeling of distrust disappears.

Groundless jealousy in the form of suspicion, as a rule, represents a social danger and often turns into paranoid psychosis.

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A sign of love or distrust?

At the beginning of a relationship, when passion and mutual understanding come to the fore, between partners there is usually complete mutual trust. Hot love is blind: each dignity of a loved one enhances the feeling, each flaw disappears.

The first manifestations of jealousy between loved ones begin to arise when cooling the formerly raging passion one of the partners. The hotter the love of one of them, the stronger the jealousy.

It is the pain of love that explains violent acts on the basis of jealousy on the part of persons who are morally impeccable.

The very definition of jealousy is interpreted as distrust and doubt in relation to one's half. Jealousy can also arise, and as a manifestation of love due to fear of losing a loved one.

Jealous means love? Is jealousy a sign of love or selfishness? The psychologist comments:

Is it a sin in terms of religion?

In Orthodoxy, marriage is interpreted as spiritual and carnal union of two people: "Let the two be one flesh."

And in the common flesh there should be no place for pernicious passions, including jealousy.

Jealousy in the bible is called cruel, it torments a person from the inside, gives moral pain to a partner.

Orthodox priests say that manifestations of such a feeling are a sign of the absence or lack of true love. Where there is love, there is no place for jealousy.

Jealousy grows out of distrust, selfishness, cowardice, despair, and yet these states are sinful.

Male and female

Jealousy more masculine humanity, and it occurs most often due to the cooling of the spouse in an intimate way, or with a demonstrable fact of treason.

Men are more sensitive to the intimate side of relationships, and any failure in this regard is painfully felt by them. Since the male sex is rarely ready to realize his mistakes, he is looking for a reason not in himself, but shifts the blame for what happened to the woman starting to suspect her of adultery.

Male jealousy is characterized by manifestations of aggression, expressed in reproaches and insults, and even physical injuries.

Jealousy of a woman arises on an internal, sometimes intuitive level. With an unproven fact of infidelity, she may become suspicious if the husband is late at work or talking with a female colleague.

With a proven fact of infidelity, a woman is deeply worried about the situation, falls into despair or depression.

Causes

Where does jealousy come from? The causes of male and female jealousy are somewhat diverse, due to physiological gender characteristics.

Man gets jealous woman for the following reasons:

• intrafamilial: conflicts, cooling partner in sexual intimacy;
• household: long separations, joking conversations of a woman about a possible betrayal, flirting with another;
• environmental: alcoholism, emotional exhaustion;
• slander on the spouse by other persons;
• proven treason.

Men over women subject to instinctive impulses. They want to dominate in sexuality, to decide the fate of their chosen one, to lead her. They can be jealous of their beloved even to her former partners.

For women, the instinct of submission is characteristic. They begin to be jealous of their man because of the fear of losing him.

In the case of male infidelity, a woman finds the main culprit in the person of her mistress and is ready not only to forgive and return to her husband, but also to regard her return as a victory.

Manifestations of jealousy in women may be caused by factors such as:

1. A proven fact of betrayal of a loved one in the present or past.
2. Flirting men with members of the opposite sex.
3. A man's sudden attention to his appearance: wearing perfume, going to the gym.
4. Decreased attention from partner.

Women are inclined, even in the absence of the fact of adultery, to complain to their friends about his infidelity.

special occasions

Why is a mistress jealous of his wife? Mistress receiving from married man physical and financial attention, often becomes jealous of his wife.

This is due to desire to get a man, breadwinner on an instinctive level in their full ownership.

If at first the mistress resigns herself to her social role, then over time, her attachment to her partner increases, and infrequent meetings begin to burden her.

A typical pattern also occurs when the lover begins to be jealous of a married lady for her husband. Men are not instinctively equipped to share their woman with someone else.

Unlike female representatives, a lover begins to be jealous of a married lover not at all out of a desire for cohabitation.

Perhaps he even does not consider a mistress as a life partner. Male jealousy is considered in this case as a physiological instinct inherent in the stronger sex.

Signs of manifestation

How to understand that a guy or girl is jealous? Manifestations of zealous feelings in women and men differ significantly.

A man usually begins to doubt a woman after an intimate failure, a lover's refusal of marital duty.

In males jealousy is defined by the following signs:

1. He talks openly with his partner about his suspicions, asks questions.
2. He begins to show increased attention to his beloved.
3. Often persuades the spouse to physical proximity, thereby confirming to himself the fact of owning it.
4. He begins to get annoyed when his wife does makeup before leaving the house, or puts on, in his opinion, revealing clothes.
5. Suddenly becomes secretive and sullen.
6. Openly insults his wife if she refuses physical intimacy.

Pathological jealousy in a man is expressed in manic suspicions.

He begins to follow his wife, look through her phone, constantly call her, openly and groundlessly accuse his wife of treason.

In an emotional fit, it can come to assault.

female jealousy expressed in terms such as:

1. Suspicions: viewing phone calls, contacts and sms of the spouse with a detailed interrogation.
2. Constant monitoring: frequent phone calls, visits to work, inspection of clothes.
3. A ban on any friendly gatherings and working corporate parties.

Due to strong jealousy, women can deny spouse physical intimacy. Some female representatives, jealous of her lover, have jealous manifestations: they begin to wear revealing clothes, impose bright makeup, flirt with a spouse with other men.

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About the differences between female and male jealousy in this video:

What does feeling lead to?

The options for the consequences of female and male jealousy are diverse and depend on reasons for mistrust and personality traits of a jealous person.

Chronic jealousy leads to disruption of relationships between partners. Against the background of distrust, conflicts, insults, and mutual reproaches constantly develop.

Jealousy can reach such proportions that the party, constantly accused of infidelity, either decides to cheat, or finally break off the relationship.

pathological jealousy can lead to physical injury, up to the murder of the "wrong" side and the opponent, or the suicide of the jealous. Groundless jealousy kills the love of not only a jealous partner, but also his chosen one, who is forced to live in constant distrust.

Books

IN fiction contains many works about jealousy, its manifestations and consequences.

Jealous people will It is useful to read from classical literature:

• William Shakespeare "Othello";
• L.N. Tolstoy "Anna Karenina";
• A.N. Ostrovsky "Dowry";
• A.I. Kuprin "Shulamith";
• A.S. Pushkin "Gypsies".

Modern literature:

• Maya Banks "Passion";
• Victoria Shearing "Lucky";
• Sarah Craven "Love and Jealousy";
• Julian Barnes "Before She Met Me";
• Evgeny Vinokurov "Jealousy".

Such a phenomenon as jealousy is historically associated with the prevailing stereotypes of family relationships. It manifests itself in distrust of the chosen one, which sometimes can get paranoid.

Love is first and foremost mutual trust, respectively, zealous manifestations are not only inappropriate between lovers, but also capable of destroying love bonds.

What causes jealousy? The sexologist will tell in this video:

Love and jealousy occupy a special place in the psychology of relationships. This is the eternal theme of love stories and poems. No less has been written about jealousy than about love. Therefore, many consider jealousy one of the sides of love. They say that jealousy follows love like a shadow. Most likely, she was born simultaneously with love and is a frequent companion of family life.

Jealousy has been treated differently at different times. In the last century in our country, it was considered a relic of the past, guaranteeing that after changes in society and in the individual himself, it will disappear. But the world and people change, but love and jealousy continue to exist.
What is jealousy? How does jealousy affect the harmony of family relationships? And is it possible to get rid of jealousy?

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is considered a complex feeling that includes many experiences with a real or perceived betrayal of a loved one. Therefore, the content of jealousy is treason. But jealousy can arise not only in connection with the actual betrayal, but also because of the alleged betrayal. In other words, it can also be caused by the imagination of a jealous person. Jealousy can be a short-term reaction or it can exist for a long time. It can be a trait of a person's character, manifesting itself throughout life. Jealousy often lives longer than love. Often the relationship of spouses who have lived for many years cannot be called passionate love. But jealousy manifests itself with the same force as in young years, and sometimes it increases significantly.

Jealousy is a feeling that is not combined with logic and common sense. There is jealousy towards those who this moment not alive or to those who can be met in the future. Men are more likely to suffer from it, and the consequences of jealousy are quite severe. Public opinion is often sympathetic to even the most ruthless varieties of jealous revenge. Interesting information can be gleaned from the article about.

Types of jealousy

The capacity for jealousy varies from person to person. Experts who have been studying the psychology of jealousy for many years divide it into several categories. On the one hand, those who express pathological jealousy, on the other hand, people who almost do not experience jealousy. And intermediate categories are considered the norm. It should be noted that love changes all the time. Jealousy, like its shadow, is also constantly changing. Changes in it occur under the influence of many factors. According to psychologists, people experience a feeling of jealousy even before marriage, but it intensifies after marriage. A significant difference in the age of the spouses is the basis for jealousy, and not only in old age.

Psychologists distinguish jealous people by the quality of the feelings they show. At opposite poles are such types of jealousy as tyrannical jealousy And jealousy from hurt.

From tyrannical jealousy those who suffer are stubborn, domineering, self-righteous, petty, emotionally cold, and aloof. They tend to dominate in relations with their wife (husband). These people put forward high demands for their family members, which are often extremely difficult to fulfill. Talk about what it is they are to blame for bad relationship are unacceptable to them. They always try to shift the responsibility for the lack of attention to them on other people. And if such a person observes the cooling of a sexual partner, then he seeks to explain this circumstance in his own way. And often he blames the partner for everything, who supposedly has a penchant for infidelity. In the psychology of jealousy, the tyrannical type of jealousy is considered the darkest option. He turns family life in hell. Such people need health care. Read about the psychology of a tyrant's husband.

suffer people who have an anxious and suspicious nature. They are distinguished by such qualities of character as exaggeration of their shortcomings, failures and troubles. They tend to fall into despair easily. They consider themselves weak and uninteresting, so they do not rely on good attitude around them, hard experiencing their fate. They are in constant expectation of betrayal of their partner. Even small changes in attitude towards them are immediately caught and immediately give rise to baseless conclusions. If they notice a little less love, care, attention and affection in the words and actions of a partner, then doubts and suspicions immediately appear.

Among people suffering from jealousy from infringement, there are also those who hide their insecurities, creating the appearance of a strong and determined person. However, this image is only a mask. She hides great vulnerability and sensitivity even to small ones. The reason for such jealousy is low self-esteem, which may be the result of a deep inferiority complex received even before marriage.

Psychology of jealousy: how does jealousy arise?

Psychologists of jealousy distinguish two types of its manifestation.

1. Reversed jealousy.
   It is the result of the jealous person's own attitude towards infidelity. And regardless of whether he realized his desire or not. But since he has such a desire, it seems to him that his partner also allows such thoughts. In most cases, converted jealousy appears in one of the partners in the place of past love.
2. Instilled jealousy.
   It comes from life experience. Infidelity of parents, infidelity among friends, acquaintances, talk about infidelity can convince suggestible people that they are changing everything and everywhere. Among the sources of inspired jealousy may be anecdotes and jokes of people around, as well as unfortunate witticisms of a sexual partner. But such jokes are not entirely harmless: jealousy settles in the soul of a person.

Jealousy in alcoholism

Alcoholism can give rise to both normal and pathological jealousy, the so-called delirium of jealousy. If we are talking about normal jealousy, then it occurs with alcohol intoxication and disappears when a person sobers up. It constantly arises in subsequent intoxications and appears on the basis of suspicions, and not in accordance with real facts. With the increase in alcohol dependence, jealousy begins to transform into a pathology. Manifestations of jealousy in alcoholics are very dangerous. Often she (jealousy) appears as a result of sexual disorders that occur under the influence of alcohol.

Psychologists say that in people suffering from alcoholism, jealousy is much more common than in people who do not suffer from this disease. Alcoholics are characterized by the manifestation of jealousy in the form of violence, often aggressive actions (even murders) and auto-aggression. As can be observed from experience, murders by jealous men were committed in a state of intoxication. Many of them are alcoholics. Therefore, for those whose jealousy is a character trait and is pronounced, drinking alcohol is strictly contraindicated.

Jealousy: emotional experiences

Being in the maximum stage of the suffering of jealousy, a person feels great tension. Experiencing deep love, a person becomes blind: he sees only good features in his beloved. However, the same blindness exists in jealousy, when a person loses his reason and is in a state of passion.
Experts who study the psychology of jealousy distinguish such a feeling as love pain. The more love, the more acute the pain of jealousy. It is especially difficult for men to endure pain. Most suicidal acts happen because of this feeling. Love pain can explain the fact that sometimes jealousy gets out of control and is the cause of violence.

With jealousy, a person experiences a lot of negative emotions: anger, resentment, hatred, rage, despair, anxiety, passion and a thirst for revenge. A person's personality is destroyed as a result of painful doubts and suspicions.
The psychology of jealousy highlights the characteristic features of male and female jealousy

The experience of jealousy in men

For the appearance of jealousy, the character of a man is not important (jealous or not). Treason (real or imaginary) is perceived as a blow of great strength, as a huge misfortune. A state of affect is formed: there is no self-control, uncontrollable aggressiveness towards the spouse arises and the whole range of negative emotions is manifested. But aggressive actions are not directed at the opponent, but only at the spouse.

Men are having a hard time with betrayal, despite numerous betrayals on their part. And this circumstance is connected with shame and disgrace, if others find out about it. In this situation, the jealous person experiences the emotion of shame. Do men share their experiences with their friends? For many of them, secrecy in this matter is characteristic.

Often male jealousy is aggressive. Even in cases where this jealousy is unfounded, men can commit rash, cruel, and sometimes tragic actions. As a result of men's propensity for fantasies, such as sexual ones, their jealousy can make an elephant out of a fly. And the furniture begins to crumble, the dishes break, and both the spouse and the children get it. Such behavior does not help restore peace in the family, the situation is even more heated. And in a situation where it is enough to joke or affectionately reproach to clarify the relationship, hostility arises. The injured pride of a man leads to difficult experiences.

The experience of jealousy in women

According to some psychologists, female jealousy based on the fear of losing the "source of resources".
But it is also common for women to experience a painful feeling of jealousy. Unlike men, women do not try to hide the fact of their spouse's infidelity. Often they even without reason complain about the infidelity of their husbands. They hate and persecute rivals, rage and hatred are not directed at men, but at rivals. Their aggression in some cases takes absurd, ugly forms. But she agrees to return to her husband and, if successful, will consider his return a triumph. Men are more sensitive to rivals than women. They are jealous even of those who were before, while women, on the contrary, are calm about the past sexual relations of the spouses. The fact that there were others is not important, because he chose her. New knowledge in the field will help to deal with jealousy.

Consequences of jealousy

There are families where family relationships have a special style: passion, jealousy, scandal, fights, and then reconciliation and passion again. And this is how it goes all the time. However, extreme manifestations of jealousy gradually destroy the family.
First: relations between spouses deteriorate as a result of any jealousy. Constant suspicions, caustic reproaches, surveillance, reservations, tears and systematic scandals gradually poison family life. The house is filled with anxiety and fear. As a result, all this becomes the basis for divorce.
Second: violent showdowns, systematic conflicts associated with constant jealousy, have a bad effect on the psyche of children if they are in the family. Children react quite sharply to tense parental relationships, and strife due to jealousy can cause not only sharp and painful reactions, but also the loss of parental authority.
Third: jealousy generated by the fictitious betrayal of one of the spouses can cause real treason. There is, so to speak, "treason in retaliation." “If you think I am like that, it means that you yourself are capable of this act, so I will not remain in debt either!”. Such actions do not improve relations. The result is a divorce.
Fourth: Jealousy, if not taken under control, can be obsessive and lead to mental pathology. According to psychiatrists, "nonsense of jealousy" is difficult to cure.
Fifth: the negative emotions experienced by jealous people destroy their health.
If we analyze the stress scale, then betrayal, and, consequently, jealousy will correspond to the strongest blow. Its strength can be compared with the stress experienced after death. loved one… In such a situation, a person feels pressure in chest, “heart sinking” and sometimes it seems that the earth is leaving from under your feet. Besides, it is impossible to run away from jealousy. People try to keep themselves within the bounds of what is permitted. But the nervous and then the immune systems are depleted, and this leads to the development of many diseases.
Jealousy, unfortunately, often exposes our weaknesses and the darkest sides of our personality. Its origins are in low self-esteem, in fear of losing the object of love.

How to deal with jealousy

There is no faceless jealousy. Like love, it is necessarily directed to another person. Both spouses contribute a lot to feelings of love and jealousy. There is an opinion that if he is jealous, then he loves. But jealousy should be kept under control, because its manifestations are not always good for spouses.

• You need constant control over your behavior. If your half is jealous, then you should not give reasons for jealousy. If suddenly they appeared, then learn to dispel any mistrust;
• analyze own feelings. Try to understand what your feeling of jealousy is based on: low self-esteem, selfishness, a desire to dominate, heightened ambition or fear of losing a loved one;
• don't lose respect for yourself. Negative emotions embracing a person do not adorn him at all. In any situation, do not stoop to rudeness and anger. Maintain your self-respect;
• raise your self-esteem: do not humiliate yourself by begging for love. To avoid betrayal, try to be worthy of strong and devoted love;
• love and respect yourself: you cannot inspire another person to love yourself if you do not love and appreciate yourself.

The psychology of jealousy cannot accurately answer the questions of what jealousy is, whether jealousy can be considered a blessing or a terrible punishment for people. But jealousy was, is and will be. It is important to learn to live with it and control its manifestations.

Feelings of jealousy: armed and very dangerous

Someone smart said that jealousy always “walks along with suspicion, hatred and anger, and each of the trinity is armed with a dagger, followed by repentance. Which, however, is no longer needed by anyone. ”

Let's talk about such a terrible phenomenon as jealousy, which corrodes and destroys relationships.

Jealousy is the Silent Relationship Killer

Why quiet, if many people yell so loudly in a fit of jealousy? Because there is still a common misconception that jealous means love. Yeah, how it beats - it means loves ...

The myth that "the one who loves is jealous."

Jealousy has nothing to do with love at all. Love is based on a conscious preference for fidelity and responsibility for one's choice of a partner. Otherwise, why be together?

Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and distrust.

Loyalty vs Jealousy - which side are you on?

Do you want to know what to do with jealousy? Let's talk about loyalty then. After all, the jealous ones demand it so much.

Faith, confidence, trust, fidelity - words that are close in meaning.

Loyalty as a quality of a person is formed in adolescence when we actively get to know ourselves and the world around, we learn to be friends. And then love.

How to deal with jealousy?

Initially, we learn to believe in ourselves and in ourselves. The stronger this feeling is manifested, the higher the level of self-confidence. Only after we learn this are we able to trust others.

Jealousy is the lack of fidelity. Jealousy is fidelity in reverse.

Loyalty means that you are responsible for your choice to yourself initially.

Where does jealousy come from?

Jealousy occurs when a person:

• does not believe in himself;
• does not know how to trust anyone;
• unable to make his words and deeds match;
• does not know how to make friends;
• has no principles to which he conforms;
• does not know what responsibility for oneself, one's words, choices, actions is.

Love and jealousy have different paths

What did we not see in the list of reasons that cause jealousy? Love!

Jealousy does not stem from love. The basis of jealousy is the fear of losing what you love.

Remember, this pathological feeling grows out of self-doubt, your relationship with your partner. Be it a friend, a child, anyone.

Also, doubts that a partner loves you play into the hands of jealousy of a woman. What if he prefers another, which will be better than you? After all, you then doubt that WORTHY.

Believe in yourself - protect yourself from feelings of jealousy

Jealousy is the result of a possessive attitude towards your partner. It arises when you are consumed by the desire to have a monopoly on the personal life of the chosen one, to interfere in all his affairs.

Understand, jealousy is an outward manifestation of the fact that you do not have such a quality as loyalty. Do you know why? And because everyone judges for himself.

In a situation with jealousy, a person often does not even realize his potential infidelity. But he has trouble believing in himself and trusting the world. And he broadcasts them outward through insecurity in others.

Jealous just does not know how to believe. Because he does not have the experience of faith and trust in himself in the first place.

Beware of the delusions of jealousy. case from practice

I have an acquaintance. As far as I can remember, he always cheated on his wife with different beauties-nyashes. He referred to the fact that his wife "is not his ideal in appearance."

And so, he fell in love with one of the passions. So much so that he even left his wife.

His girlfriend was a very bright, sexy brunette who was noticed by everyone. She adored her man. But just a month later, he turned their lives into hell with wild jealous tantrums.

The girl roared with me more than once during consultations, telling through tears that she adores him and does not even notice others.

Outcome? He brought her to hatred, and she went to another.

Human jealousy can breed

But the worst thing about this is something else. A person with unbelief and lack of fidelity attracts a partner like himself.

Remember, if you didn't lack faith in subconscious level, then the wrong partners simply would not fall into your field of vision.

You can argue that if you hadn’t burned yourself once, you “would not have blown into the water.”

But not everything is around everyone. This is not a general problem, but only for those who“ imprisoned” cheating on a subconscious level. You can't argue with psychology.

"Exile" into treason, or Jealousygives bad advice

Whether it is female or male jealousy - in each case it is a mutual collusion. Like a victim-sadist couple.

No matter how faithful a partner comes across to a jealous one, he will still torment the chosen one with jealousy and distrust. Which, by the way, can ultimately provoke treason. Like, “What, in vain do I regularly get hit on the head?”.

Beware, pathological jealousy!

By the way, it is very important to distinguish pathological jealousy. It is not only a frequent reason for turning to psychologists and psychiatrists, but also adds work to law enforcement agencies.

Let's not forget that it is jealousy that is the most common motive for murder in families.

So to call jealousy “a harmless form of manifestation of love” is definitely impossible.

Pathological jealousy is one of those problems that philosophers, poets and doctors have been describing for centuries. The latter even distinguish it as a separate disease.

Signs of jealousy as a referral to the doctor

Pathological jealousy is not a specific symptom of a particular disease.On the contrary, it occurs in almost any mental disorder.

Personality pathology, neurosis, depression, alcohol and drug abuse, schizophrenia, organic pathology (less often) - in all these diagnoses one can find references to abnormal jealousy.

For this reason, it is important to refer the client to a psychiatric consultation at the slightest suspicion of an incomprehensible mechanism for the emergence of jealousy. It's incomprehensible.

Does your husband or boyfriend show excessive aggressiveness at the slightest hint of the appearance of a man in your environment? Then I recommend thinking about the mental health of the chosen one and your safety.

Grow flowers on the soil of jealousy

Jealousy is an almost normal feeling under certain conditions. It is about the manifestation of possessive instincts.

In the same time complete lack of jealousyunder the same conditionsmay indicate the presence of emotional pathology. For example, emotional rigidity, which is also destructive for relationships.

Provocation is the worst embodiment of jealousy

Another dangerous aspect of jealousy is provocation - the artificial induction of jealousy. Women often resort to this weapon in an attempt to warm up relationships and attention to themselves.

Sometimes jealousy can spark a relationship that is fading. But not when a person uses it constantly as an instrument of pressure.

By provoking a partner to jealousy, you unconsciously or consciously influence his self-esteem and encourage competition.

He and his “rival” are training in the achievements “who will receive the main prize - the love of a woman?”.

You, like a provocateur, rest on the laurels of your own pride and think about how else to arouse jealousy. And men bring all kinds of gifts to your feet: attention, love, colorful emotions, presents, etc.

Do you love a man or his jealousy?

At the heart of your provocations, albeit unconscious, is the lack of attention and love in early childhood.And now you are trying in such a dishonest way to compensate for what you didn’t receive, pushing people head-on in the battle for your person.

That is, you assert yourself by provoking.

But listen, knowingly arousing the jealousy of a partner is an unacceptable technique if we are talking about a trusting, loving relationship.

Look, there is such a scheme. You provoke your man to jealousy. He's into it. The two of you are pursuing the same goal - to get attention and love.

Only one in this situation stands in the "pose" of a sadist, and the other - a masochist.

What position do you like best? To me, none.

Girl, you're fed with jealousy

Men also often “feed” their women the poison of jealousy in the form of provocations “and we have such a new secretary, pretty, young.”

So subconsciously "gain" points in the eyes of the chosen ones.

How NOT to respond to provocations?

Your worst reactions in this situation would be:

• “Probably a fool and a prostitute, like all secretaries”;
• “And you, like a dog, have your ears hung out already ?!”;
• “I’ll see her next to me, I’ll pull out all her hair extensions for her”;
• “And our new manager gave me a lift in a cool car.”

You should also not be offended and defiantly not talk to a man.

Reactions like this only devalue you. They show that your ego is hurt, wounded.

As a result, the manipulator receives the emotions that he was counting on, and continues to "squeeze" you further.

We neutralize the manipulation

One of the best ways to respond is not to give the manipulator the expected reaction, not to reinforce his manipulative behavior. Better yet, turn his manipulation to your advantage.

Alternatively, you can ask your husband questions that will encourage him to express his needs directly, rather than indirectly.

You can also neutralize the manipulation of humor.

Why a woman is provoked to jealousy

By the way, with such behavior of the chosen one, take a closer look at yourself. Maybe you started your man? Haven’t complimented him for a long time, didn’t thank him, didn’t admire her knight that he provokes you to “love”?

Or maybe she let herself go.And with jealousy your man is trying to provoke you to look after yourself?

Or provoking jealousy - the norm in your relationship? Then what are you doing there?

Attempted Jealousy: Pain or Pleasure

Look, one of my clients was so “provoked” with his wife that he left for her friend. It was this woman that he constantly cited as an example of grooming and excellent taste.

The wife flaunted that he should love her for who she is and thank her for her son.

Until one day, in the literal sense of the word, she pulled her husband off her friend when she returned home ahead of time. The family broke up. And the friends poured slop on each other for a long time for the whole city.

But it should be noted ex-wife blossomed - either in spite of her husband, or thanks to the exit "to the fair of brides."

Really it was impossible to make such a move earlier, when it was relevant for her husband?

How to deal with jealousy?

• Make love, not kill her

Do everything to strengthen your relationship, not destroy it.

Instead of playing pinkerton, be interesting to him. And first of all, be interesting to yourself.

Remember, constant spying on your man, you provoke a lie. He "just in case" will hide everything from you. Distrust only pushes you away.

• Improve yourself and strengthen your relationships

Stop being an emotional beggar and contribute to your relationship yourself.

Show your partner your care and trust, give compliments, thank you.

Look, the fidelity of the spouses is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and distrust. This is the result of a strong, reliable relationship that satisfies both.

• Boost your self-esteem

Well, tell me, why value you if you are not a value for yourself?

Work on your shortcomings, believe in your strengths.

And then you realize that “you yourself need such a cow”, and you are important for your man. And if not, why do you need it?

• Work with your fears

Ask yourself honestly.What are you afraid of when you poison yourself with jealousy?Lose Him? Stay alone?

Maybe, really, he is the wrong partner and it's time to let him go? Why hold on to him, they say, “if only not by yourself”, and take the potential place of a worthy partner?

• Stop comparing

It's about your self-esteem. And besides, why show the man himself that someone is better than you?

It only makes sense to compare with yourself - have you become better than your former self.

• Disconnect with a partner

Live your life, find yourself, a hobby.

Often the reason for jealousy is the fixation of one of the partners on the life of the other.

It happens that this happens due to the lack of their interests and personal life. And such a partner has no choice but to live the life of another.

This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control by parents (usually mothers) in relation to children.

Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interventions in someone's life will not make either you or the object of interference happier.

• Be honest and trust your man

Drop all those spy games and hidden doubts. If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly.

Just don't do it in the form of a scandal. Calmly.

I'm not saying that no one has such a reason)

But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner not because he did not justify our trust. But only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt.

Jealousy in this case is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings. And offends partner.

• Learn to truly forgive

Forgive me sincerely if you were cheated on in the past, but you decided to move on.

Sometimes this happens because the person succumbed to the temptation, but continues to love you. In other cases, it is the result of a moment of weakness, a mistake for which he can be forgiven.

Cheating did not kill love in you, did you both realize the “contribution” of each to it and see the value of your relationship? Then find the strength and love in yourself to forgive him and yourself that you “didn’t finish watching”. And move on.

When Overcoming Jealousy Isn't Your Option

Of course, such a situation is also possible that jealousy is not groundless, your partner has fallen in love with another, or he is systematically cheating.

Then it's better Ask yourself an honest question: what do you expect? What are you doing here?

Maybe it’s worth gathering your dignity and self-respect into a fist and finally breaking out of it? Instead of poisoning yourself with the poison of jealousy.

The world will be saved by Love! Love to you and wisdom.
Yaroslav Samoilov

Approximately 15% of jealous people show signs of psychosis. At the same time, almost 20% of domestic crimes are committed precisely because of jealousy. Even pets can be jealous, which indicates the instinctiveness of this feeling, its “primitive” roots. What is jealousy, since it causes such strong reactions? What is it like, where does it come from and how does it manifest itself? Why does she sometimes become dangerous? What stands behind it - fear, love or exclusively unconditioned reflexes?

What is jealousy?

Jealousy is a negative painful feeling that occurs when there is a risk of losing a person to whom an emotional attraction or addiction has formed. At the core - fear, loneliness, herd instinct as a manifestation of the instinct of self-preservation. A person is subconsciously afraid to remain alone, "expelled from the pack", doomed to death without the support of relatives. Of course, such an attitude remains generally unnoticed by the individual himself, is stored in . Outside, everything is covered with irritation, pain, disappointment and other unpleasant emotions.

In support of this, information can be cited that women reach the peak of their jealousy during the bearing of a child and in the first years of his life. That is, this feeling is more acute at a time when the (future) mother is most dependent on her man, needs his protection and support. At the same time, at the hormonal level, everything is confirmed by an increase in the amount of testosterone in the female body.

Types of jealousy.

We can talk about the types of this feeling depending on the social role of its object, that is, on the person who is jealous. In addition, the negative ones themselves, the style of their expression may depend on the age of the individual, the level of intimacy in the relationship.

1. Women's.

In a negative fanatical manifestation, female jealousy takes the form of blackmail, ultimatums, and manipulation. However, according to the degree of expression, it is less aggressive than the male one. For girls, it will be more offensive to find out that their partner has become emotionally attached to someone on the side. They are more likely, if they believe that it was committed under the influence of alcohol, by mistake, and did not carry some kind of love, sensual reasons.

Sometimes this negative feeling in a woman is dictated not so much by emotional attachment as by the risk of losing profit. For example, a housewife mother will be afraid of losing her spouse because of the fear of being left without material support for herself and her children.

2. Men's.

Since the society still welcomes the patriarchal model of relations, where the man is the main one, his jealousy imposes more control, rudeness on his actions. In this regard, some jealous people consider it the norm:

• forbid your girlfriend to communicate with someone (women often give an ultimatum of choice, rather than a direct ban);
• limit her personal space (go anywhere only with the chosen one);
• seize or monitor her gadget (phone, laptop, any means of communication);
• decide how to dress, what clubs to attend, when to communicate with friends;
• do not let go of her hand in public, sit next to her all the time, “guard” (as a demonstration of one’s possession of her).

Of course, this is a description of extremes, which also include assault, any psychological or sexual abuse. It is sexual contact that offends men, regardless of the presence / absence of feelings for a lover.

3. Children's.

5. Friendly.

Friendly zealous relationships (in the absence of sexual or love overtones) is a story about the fear of losing an already familiar person. It occurs if a third person appears in a couple and one of the friends devotes a lot of time to him, and not necessarily more than an old friend. It could be new friend, partner, even a child or an animal. At the same time, the jealous sees him as a competitor, and any choice in favor of the “third” is perceived by him as his own defeat.

6. Situational.

This is the type of feeling between unfamiliar people. One gets used to the attention of the other, but does not feel any emotional attachment to him, does not take him seriously. Problems begin when the second switches focus to someone else, forgetting about the first. For example:

1. worker A. sometimes communicates with colleague B. during a lunch break;
2. management decides to appoint B. as a mentor for new employee B.;
3. B. begins to devote more time to V., reducing the amount of his attention to A.;
4. A. suddenly feels a "prick of jealousy", feels abandoned, although, in fact, B. does not need.

This is the most unfounded type of jealousy, which is why few recognize it. Instead, they begin to believe that some feelings have arisen towards the object of jealousy. This is not true, since it is easy for them to replace one unfamiliar person with another without significant losses for themselves.

Signs of jealousy.

1. Subjectivism.

Zealous outbursts are very rarely logical. Usually they are intuitive, their reasons are difficult to explain intelligibly. The same event is perceived differently when viewed from the outside and with personal participation. In the latter case, emotions distort perception, making it subjective. And, given that jealousy is a strong feeling, it becomes much more difficult to be unbiased, consistent, balanced in assessing the situation.

If you ask a jealous person why he had such a feeling, in 8 out of 10 cases he will not know what to answer, or he will say something unintelligible, not weighty enough according to someone from the outside.

2. Selfishness.

Jealousy is dictated by a selfish desire to possess, as well as fear, which does not allow thinking about the fate of the other side. Jealous is so obsessed with her negativity that she begins to unconsciously ignore the desires and needs of others.

Sometimes, after some thoughtless act or phrase, having already moved away from the surging experiences, a person realizes that he was wrong. Although at the moment of "heat of passions" his reaction seemed justified. In this case, the person himself suffers from feelings of guilt as an unpleasant consequence of jealousy. However, during the next jealous outbursts, he still concentrates only on his emotions.

3. Impulsivity.

No wonder attacks of jealousy are called injections. It is sudden in nature, it is not a feeling that will gradually accumulate over the years. Such an experience always comes along with a whole gamut of sharp emotions that are difficult to control. It looks like passion, but with a negative connotation.

It is because of the suddenness of the appearance of jealousy is difficult to curb. It is difficult to predict, to calculate when it will occur next time. Preparing in advance is also almost impossible. If a person is very emotional by nature, it will be even more difficult for him to cope with such a feeling.

4. Curiosity.

Despite a strong sharp negative, jealousy also awakens such an emotion as curiosity. Gambling, impulsive, easily addicted people may well become hostages of jealousy. It will evoke conflicting emotions in them, serve as a reason to “hunt”, become a player, again experience drive, risk, excitement.

This explains why some people only pay attention to their fans when they have someone else. Experience makes you compare yourself with a competitor, and curiosity pushes you to find out the difference, to find out who is better. How to do it? That's right, to return the interest of the former admirer. That is why the joke that the former returns when it is no longer necessary has a completely logical explanation.

5. Internal tension.

A jealous attitude is a stress for the body. A person is in a tense state, expecting the worst, experiencing uncertainty, which also makes him nervous. This releases cortisol and adrenaline. The first exhausts well, and the second, on the contrary, invigorates, but only in small quantities. And if a person is jealous every day several times, adrenaline becomes his enemy.

A “chronic” jealous person over time notices a deterioration in well-being, constant lethargy, drowsiness (sleep at night is now a luxury), irritability. It is easy to assume that because of such a state, problems will begin in others.

Reasons for jealousy.

1. Low self-esteem.

Fear of loneliness, a dependent position, dislike for oneself make one jealous. It seems that the partner is almost the last existing person who noticed an unsightly personality. If he leaves (or rather, he is taken away), no one will want to look in the direction of the victim, who will forever remain in complete, not at all proud loneliness.

It sounds exaggerated, but in fact, the fear of losing a person, arising from, acts in this way. Only hard work on yourself, self-perception, as well as the help of the good will help get rid of constant doubts.

2. Negative experience.

If a person has negative experience relationship from the past, it turned out to be very traumatic, then jealousy will arise as a natural reaction when approaching. If in the previous descriptions the jealous man was afraid of loneliness, here the problem lies in the unwillingness or unwillingness to deepen intimacy. Paradoxically, these can be observed simultaneously. What situations can provoke such a phenomenon:

• betrayal of a former partner;
• divorce of parents, their care of the family;
• the death of someone close (perhaps even a friend);
• unexpected separation without explanation;
• constant comparison with someone is not in your favor.

Any rapprochement will bring fear with it, as it is associated with an inevitable break, loss. The partner of the victim will have to prove to her for a long time his willingness to be there no matter what, absolute feelings. Going to a psychologist will help ease the path to regaining confidence.

3. Inequality in a couple.

If one of the lovers turns out to be better (by the standards of the second), they begin to be jealous of him. Firstly, because many people like the "ideal partner", they may try to take him away. Secondly, because sooner or later he himself will feel this difference, inconsistency, decide that he deserves more, break off relations. Concerns are caused by inequality in such features:

• external data, beauty, healthy appearance;
• mental, creative qualities;
• career achievements, success;
• popularity, especially media coverage, power;
• financial security;
• personal qualities, the reputation of a good person.

Of course, unstable is also involved here. However, under equal conditions, statuses, it does not affect jealousy so much.

4. Provocation.

This is the only fully conscious, obvious, justified reason for jealousy. If a partner frankly makes it clear how important relationships are to him, flirts with others, or even decides to cheat, jealous feelings turn out to be quite logical.

Even if the one who causes negativity with his behavior does not fully realize his mistake, it still justifies negative emotions, the indignation of a jealous person. For example, a girl in a circle of friends plays "bottle", kisses other guys. For her, this situation is quite normal, because all her friends, even married ones, are also involved in this. However, her beloved will obviously not appreciate such "friendliness", so she will rightly be offended.

5. Distrust.

Distrust can manifest itself as the result of psychological trauma or doubt in a particular person. In the first two cases, a person is cautious about all people, regardless of their behavior, attitudes. In the third, she does not trust her partner for a certain reason. This may be the provocation described in the previous paragraph. However, there are often other behaviors as well, such as:

• frequent or large-scale lies;
• double standards, injustice in actions;
• permanent, deterioration in communication;
• change in the habitual pattern of behavior;
• betrayal of the current partner in his former relationship;
• divergent fundamental views;
• any kind of violence, manipulation.

The couple is unlikely to be able to live in this mode together for a long time. Because without trust, relationships get stuck at one stage, or worse, they degrade. Partners will have to choose whether to work together on a problem or prepare for parting. Unfortunately, not everyone is in a hurry to make this choice, so they painfully live a long life together wasting each other's time.

6. Unjustified scenario.

Each person has his own vision, family. While people do not talk about it, but simply silently wait for their dreams to become a reality, misunderstandings grow in a couple. It subsequently causes jealousy.

1. Given: newlyweds - girl A. and boyfriend B., both have prosperous happy families.
2. In A.'s family, it was customary to have dinner together at the table, it was a common tradition that became an obligatory sign of a happy marriage for a girl.
3. B.'s parents had dinner at different times, so there was no tradition of a family gathering at the same table.
4. A. insists that she and B. should have dinner together, because it is important detail family well-being. At the same time, B. does not agree, since this is unusual for him.
5. Due to different ideas, reticence, the couple begins to quarrel, which ultimately leads to doubts about the feelings of the partner, and then to jealousy.

Even such a seemingly trifle as a meeting at the table of the whole family can be provocative for the appearance, further growth of jealousy. To prevent this from happening in the future, it is better to make it a habit to discuss your desires, expectations from relationships, especially from living together, marriage.

Jealousy in moderate doses is, in a sense, a panacea for monotony. However, by increasing its scope and depth, it becomes dangerous both for the one who experiences it and for the object of zealous experiences. A jealous person spoils relationships with loved ones, fails in other areas because of his obsession, destroys his own "I". Having determined the cause of such a pathological form of feeling, one can learn to resist it. And the appeal to the psychotherapist will noticeably speed up the course of the case.