home » Groups » How to build a relationship with a minor son. How to build a relationship with your son? Mom and teenage daughter

How to build a relationship with a minor son. How to build a relationship with your son? Mom and teenage daughter

Many parents face challenges in raising a teenager. They ask themselves: "Where did the charming, sweet child go? How could he have changed so much?" And closer to graduation party At school, the child becomes generally uncontrollable. Parents should remember that this is a common problem for many families. One way or another, this period must be overcome and try to improve relations with a son or daughter. We will try to understand this issue and understand how to find a teenager.

A difficult age

There are parents who are afraid of their children. Will they suddenly get out of control, start smoking and drinking alcohol, call themselves "hipsters" or start running away from home?

In fact, everything is not so scary. They don't call it the "spring of life" for nothing. And for most children, the sweet time begins. At this moment, it is necessary to learn to control the situation, support the child and not spoil the happy moments of youth. To cope with this, one should plunge into another world - into the world of a child - and understand what changes take place at such a young age.

Another world

Surely, many parents began to notice that the child began to speak a different language, dress strangely, be rude, provoke scandals, ruin his hair, listen to wild music and attract attention. Communication between teenagers and parents is fading away. They do not understand each other, because fathers and children are different generations, which have their own values, worldview, vocabulary, aesthetics, and so on. Naturally, the unknown is scary, especially when it comes to own child. And in order to understand the mysterious world of a teenager, first of all, he needs to be listened to, understood and accepted. Parents are ready for dialogue, but children are in no hurry to share the most intimate ...

How to act in such a situation?

Studying such sciences as developmental psychology and most experts have come to the conclusion that the path to a child lies through understanding. To begin with, you should accept the fact that he may have other interests, even if his parents do not approve of them. Remember yourself in your youth, what you wanted then, what was missing .... Having compared your desires and behavior in youth with how your child behaves, you need to establish new rules in your home: let your son or daughter listen to music they like, wear whatever they want, use jargon without using profanity, and you remains to be understood and accepted.

The more benevolent parents will treat a teenager, the faster he will open up and let him into his inner world. Imagine the following situation: the child went abroad. He fell out of our reality, began to speak a different language. After his arrival home, you will have to find a common language with him.

What Not to Do

At this age, modern teenagers begin to resort to experiments with cigarettes and alcohol, get into bad company. This behavior horrifies parents. In addition to alcohol, drugs and cigarettes, there are several other vices that can affect a teenager - these are Internet addiction, extreme hobbies and unprotected sex. And here the worst begins: the more parents forbid, swear and punish, the more active child stretches into his own world - into the world of non-childish hobbies. And no matter how hard parents try, communication with teenagers leads to nothing.

Psychology as a science says that such experiments have one feature. Indeed, in this way, children learn about the world without understanding where the boundaries of what is permitted end. If the conversation is about bad company or games with death, then you should ring the bells, the child is lost in the real world.

If a teenager "left" into computer games, this suggests that he replaces his prosaic days with fantasies. Drugs are used by children who want to numb the pain. Bad companies are associated with teenagers who feel like strangers at home.

Of course, there is no such recipe that could insure a teenager from the dangers on his way of growing up. But sometimes parents themselves exacerbate the situation: unhealthy atmosphere in the family, scandals, screams, swearing, negative example older - all this pushes the child into the abyss.

Directions to move in

Today's teenagers need help. In order to protect your child from it is necessary to act in three directions.

First of all, arm him with the right information. Some psychologists advise taking the child to the oncology center, where patients lie who at one time became interested in cigarettes. Show him the drug treatment center and talk about the consequences of drug abuse. Today, many modern teen magazines publish information about how bad habits and dangerous experiments affect the life of a child, what this leads to.

If you do not know how to find a common language with a teenager, you should go in a different direction. Create the most trusting atmosphere in the house, treat the child with love and respect. Forget about aggression towards anyone. It is necessary to create such an atmosphere that he does not want to run away from home. Advice to parents: do not smoke or drink alcohol in the presence of a child - he can take an example from you, and talking about the fact that smoking is dangerous to health will be in vain. Children copy the behavior of their parents, so you need to become a shining example for your child. Control your emotions, be able to listen, and most importantly, understand. Live his life together, and then he will not want to run away from home.

The third direction is a firm ban on dangerous games. If a teenager violated it, then the violation should be punished. Features of communication with teenagers lies in the sequence of actions, you can not let go of the situation. For example, you caught a child with a cigarette, the punishment should not be aggressive or emotional, forbid him to walk for a week and do not break your word.

Sex. What is this?

According to statistics, the majority of high school students lose their virginity at the age of 15. Sexual desire is dictated by nature, and this is normal. But for a fifteen-year-old child, especially for girls, it is still too early to have sex at this time. And you can understand parents who are afraid of children's sexuality, unwanted pregnancy and venereal diseases.

Fear pushes parents to commit a series of mistakes. No need to tell a teenager that sex is a terrible sin. Sexual attraction will not go anywhere, but the child will have a lot of complexes. The time will come when he will need to create a family, and with what attitude will he approach such an important decision?

Developmental psychology and age-related psychology regarding sex, it is advised not to engage in moralizing. It is better to convey to the child as much information as possible, to explain how dangerous unprotected sex is, what it can lead to. At the same time, there is no need to get into his personal life.

How to find a common language with a teenager

Adolescence is also called a fateful, crisis, vulnerable, difficult. During this period, the formation new person who aspires to become an adult and tries to get rid of The child is looking for himself, and in his search makes many mistakes. Many parents understand this, but do not know how to find a common language with a teenager in such a difficult time.

Of course, parents are upset when their son or daughter begins to be rude. Why is this happening?

Why are kids rude?

The fact is that aggression is dormant in every person. According to psychologists, in such qualities as purposefulness, the desire to assert oneself and the ability to defend one's position, it is precisely aggressiveness that is laid down. But it is worth noting that this quality sometimes helps a person survive. Therefore, aggressiveness carries both a positive and a negative charge. And the form of its manifestation depends on the situation, character and upbringing.

Oftentimes, parents themselves are the cause of their child's rude behavior. If everyone in the family speaks in a raised voice, does not respect each other, then the child will grow up the same way. And how can parents demand a good, respectful attitude towards themselves from a teenager if he does not understand what it is, because he does not know how to do it differently?

Parenting Mistakes

The biggest mistakes parents make are:

  • lack of control;
  • satisfaction of all needs;
  • tough relationship;
  • hypertrophied control;
  • the desire to educate a child prodigy;
  • emotional rejection.

In order for a child to grow up calm, obedient, that is, the way his parents want to see him, first of all, it is necessary to give him freedom. "If you do not touch the tree, it will grow straight." The child has grown, and it is time to get used to this thought.

  1. Parental moralizing most irritates the child. Communication with a teenager should take place on a positive wave. The child has his own views and opinions, and this must be taken into account.
  2. Compromise. By arguing with each other, no one will prove anything to anyone. Negative emotions will not lead to understanding.
  3. No need to reproach, offend a teenager and sting at him.
  4. Be firm in your decisions and consistent. You can not demand from the child what you yourself do not fulfill.

This period is very difficult, and communication with a teenager can lead parents to a dead end. It must be remembered that this is youth, and the child is full of strength, he wants to love and be loved, conquer peaks, do crazy things, he is interested in everything. It is at this age that he needs Good friends, and it's good if it will be parents.

Is it possible to build a relationship with a child when he entered adolescence? How to go from computer to real hobbies? How do you bring parents and children together?

Raising a child is not an easy task: his birth does not mean that everything will automatically, automatically, develop in his upbringing. For example, in our country, the generation of people born in the early 90s basically grew up like grass. I mean those who are now twenty-twenty-five years old and for whom it is time to create families and give birth to children. Unfortunately, many of them do not understand why this is necessary. On the example of the families of their parents, they did not understand what the value of the family is.

Why did this happen? Because their parents raised them very little - that was a time when parents sometimes did not have the physical opportunity to take care of children: everyone worked, and even at several jobs, there were many single mothers, it was at this time, according to statistics, that the peak of divorces and suicide.

In that great tragedy of the loss of a state that at least somehow protected a person, gave some kind of purpose in life and stability, many abandoned their children in front of TVs with entertainment programs, TV channels "2 × 2" - and ran to earn money, to survive. Of course, they can be understood, justified, but without communication, these children lost contact with their parents, as a result, the best, the most important thing was not invested in them.

In a modern family, at first glance, the situation is more prosperous, but take a closer look: relatives live some kind of separate life. What do we see in families, sometimes even those with many children? People live in them for their own interests: the wife - with girlfriends, acquaintances, mother, the husband - most often with a computer and TV, children - with the same computer, the Internet, friends, friends. Even the precious time of vacation and weekends, which could be spent on communication, in a modern family they try to spend separately.

As a result, the already weak contact with the child is lost - after all, community is born only in communication. In order not to lose family ties, we must always remember: as soon as we entered into family life, we can no longer perceive ourselves separately from our family, from people close to us. Their joys and problems, interests are common with us.

Most modern parents, unfortunately, believe that their main concern is making money, they forget that the primary concern for children is not about material wealth, but about community with the child!

People often come to priests with the problem of adolescence: the child is rude, does not obey, sits at the computer, goes to friends. It is clear that this is only the tip of the iceberg, that the failure occurred much earlier: even in childhood, important moments of building relationships with him were lost. Teenage problems, as a rule, are connected with the fact that some important moments of upbringing were missed in early childhood.

Parents have a double task: on the one hand, they are teachers, and they must create the correct patterns of behavior for the child, educate his taste, musical and artistic, give the necessary books, teach the necessary skills, try to invest in him the most necessary so that he can enter normally. into adulthood.

Their second function is to be the best friends in the world for the child, those whom he trusts, whom he can rely on, who know him, do not reject or dismiss his interests! At the same time, of course, it is important to observe subordination - to be senior and authoritative comrades and not to indulge the child in everything.

By the way, about prohibitions. It is very important not only to explain and forbid something, but to offer something in return. For example, the scourge of our time is passion teenagers computers. One mother, noticing that her son was sitting at the "computer" for days on end, sounded the alarm. But she did not just put the communication with the computer in a strict framework. She bought a guitar for the child, gave it to him to learn how to play it, and also asked a designer friend to work with her son once a week on a computer with three-dimensional graphics, that is, to teach him how to work, and not play on a car. As a result, the son took 2nd place in the city for music competition and now earns money as a designer.

Often the child goes to virtual world due to the lack of normal, real hobbies. And we need to point the kids in the right direction. Clubs, sports sections, fishing, tourism, just trips out of town - all this can distract children from unnecessary addictions.

Of course, the best thing is when they do all this with us. For example, my children and I often build something in the country, ride bicycles, go to the forest, they also really like to cook. As a child, my mother taught me to sew, my father taught me how to do something with my hands, and my uncle taught me how to drive a car. It is still interesting for me to communicate with my parents precisely because they set the tone for me from childhood. Parents always unobtrusively walked ahead of us and showed what to read, listen, watch, what to get involved in. Now I try to pass all this on to my children. And in general, the upbringing of children is a huge incentive for our own spiritual, moral and intellectual growth. While raising children, we ourselves are constantly learning something in order to go two steps ahead of them. After all, you can teach and educate only by personal example.

Very often, children run away from their parents due to overprotection. If we are friends with someone, we assume that we have inner freedom and that the other is a person who must be respected. A child will carry this attitude through his whole life, no matter what troubles, difficulties and even falls may happen to him in life.

Adolescence is difficult not so much for parents as for the child himself: he is actively growing, so sometimes he feels bad; hormonal changes take place in his body. Sometimes he does not understand what is happening to him, he becomes vulnerable, vulnerable, he often has mood swings, etc. All our harsh words: "I hate", "I don't like", "you can leave" - ​​can hurt a child painfully and even lead to suicide. At this age, a person still does not appreciate life, has no fear. A teenager does not yet understand how to grow up correctly, and does this through inadequate actions and resistance to adults. He wants independence, but he still does not know how to realize it.

Scolding a teenager, making comments to him, we only set him up against us even more. He now needs not moralizing, but sympathy and understanding. Parental authority and power should be used at this age only when the soul or health of the child is in real danger.

We must understand that children are given to us for a while, and not save on communication. We must not miss the moment: before entering school, we see them all day, then less and less, and then they enter into an independent life. And already other people have a very strong and not always favorable influence on them. If you are not interested in the life of a child when he is ten years old, you do not know with whom he is friends, then when he turns fifteen, you will have nothing to talk about with him. And at the age of twenty, he won’t communicate with you at all, except perhaps on holidays! Hurry up to communicate.

In order for the responsibilities of a teenager in the family not to become a source of many conflicts, the following rules must be followed:

  • Agree with the child that he will be fully responsible for the cleanliness and order in his own room. He himself monitors the cleanliness, he decides when and how to do the cleaning, he carries it out. When negotiating with a teenager, do not forget to set the boundaries of these “when” and “how”.
  • Try to clean up together (everyone cleans up “his” territory).
  • Try not to order, friendly interaction is much more effective.
  • Feel free to ask for help. Let him feel that he is helping you, as an adult to an adult.
  • When necessary, gently but firmly remind the child of his responsibilities. Sometimes a teenager simply forgets about promises.
  • Create a friendly atmosphere. Let the child know that, for example, cooking together will be complemented by friendly conversations.

By adolescence, the child shows such a tendency to maintain purity, which has been laid in him since childhood, so it will not work to change the situation dramatically. This requires patience and understanding. If you try to negotiate with the child, then gradually he will meet you halfway.

How to prevent smoking?

At this age, children often begin to get acquainted with the vices of adult life: cigarettes, alcohol, drugs. To help the child develop negative attitude to bad habits, you need:

Before you do something with a difficult teenager, pay attention to your (and your spouse's) attitude towards him, to the psychological environment in which the child grows up. Difficult teenagers are often unloved children. None of the parents is immune from this scourge, even those who endlessly love their rebellious offspring.

It is difficult to be happy and develop correctly when you feel like you are not needed, when there are quarrels and discord between parents at home, when there are problems with peers or teachers at school. Unloved children do not have favorable soil for growth and development.

So those around (and, first of all, parents) create a difficult teenager with their own hands. The child not only suffers from a wrong attitude towards him, but also turns out to be guilty of all sins (other people usually blame him for the “difficulties” and “wrongness”).

To correct the current situation, parents, first of all, need to understand the essence of the phenomenon with the speaking name "", then it will be clear what needs to be changed in relations with the child, as well as in the environment that surrounds him. Starting to work on the mistakes, do not count on a quick result. You will have to win over the trust lost by a teenager, heal him with your love.

Even if only internal family problems are eliminated and the child is provided with love, understanding, respect and worthy advice, the situation in the family will slowly but steadily improve. But you need to act on all fronts where the child has so far fought alone (help him establish relationships with others, put things in order in his studies, etc.).

Getting a teenager on the right track requires a certain combination of actions:

  • Good example of parents.
  • At the same time, both a good attitude and strict discipline on the part of the father.
  • Patience and love of a mother.

To be fair, it should be said that difficult teenager it may also be due to other circumstances: heredity, illness, etc. In this case, parents should also not despair, they should try to correct the situation as much as possible.

How to improve relationships?

You need to let the child feel that he is loved without any conditions. Neither assessments, nor the opinions of others - nothing can reduce parental love.

A parent must convince a teenager of a simple truth: mom and dad are the most devoted friends and protectors of their child. They will fight to the last, will defend their offspring even in situations where he is wrong. Therefore, with any trouble, with any problem, a teenager, first of all, should go to his parents. Let them scold for misconduct, but do everything possible and impossible to get their child out of the swamp of trouble.

It is necessary to strive to create trusting relationships between parents and teenagers. It is necessary to communicate not only on important topics, which, moreover, are often unpleasant for both parties. It is necessary to communicate as often as possible on a friendly wave, to strive to ensure that spending time together brings pleasure to all family members (going to the cinema, going on an excursion, etc.).

You need to be friends with the child, show interest in his hobbies, discuss some events together (for example, the plot of a new film), and sometimes talk heart to heart. Thanks to friendly communication, a teenager will value your opinion and listen to your advice (as opposed to orders, which are often perceived very negatively by teenagers).

How do you get along with your teenage daughter?

Relations with a teenage daughter need to be established, first of all, by the mother. The ideal mother is a mother-friend. People turn to her for advice, seek support from her, trust her with secrets and make important decisions together with her.

The task of a loving mother is to prepare her daughter as best as possible for an independent life. You need to teach a teenager about housekeeping, because in adult life, clumsy girls are faced with big amount problems. Noticing the lack of useful skills, people around usually do not skimp on sharp remarks, they readily label a young woman as a slut or a bad housewife, which hurts her pride. The inexperience of the hostess, as well as her unwillingness to perform primordially female duties, often cause conflicts in a young family.

Mom's task is to correctly orient her daughter, explain to her how life works, and teach the girl everything necessary. The father must provide his daughter with a sense of security, must approve and encourage the acquisition of useful skills, serve as an example by which the girl will be guided in choosing a life partner. Parents, using the example of their family, should show the girl the correct model of relationships in the “cell of society”.

How do you get along with your teenage son?

First of all, the relationship with the teenage son should be established by the father, since masculine qualities V young man only a man can develop. The father should try to establish a calm, trusting relationship with his son, tell him how the world of men works, how to behave in order to be respected by others, and offer help in case of any problems.

The father must teach the boy how to do men's housework. If the family has a car or a motorcycle, it is worth preparing a teenager for passing exams for rights, as well as teaching how to repair vehicles. For many young people, the prospect of driving a car or a motorcycle is very tempting, so you should not miss this opportunity to make friends with your son and gain authority from him.

The father, by his example, shows his son what a man should be, what a man's life should be. If the head of the family has bad habits, then there is nothing surprising in the fact that sooner or later the son will copy the behavior of his father.

The mother, as before, has a very important role - to love, care for and protect her grown child. Mom is the standard of female behavior. Many young people in the future, when choosing a life partner, will take the behavior of their mother as a model.

Love and care can work wonders, they can save any family, fix the most difficult relationships. Do not give up in a difficult situation, look for a way out both on your own and with the help of specialists (psychologist, psychotherapist, etc.). Dare, and you will succeed!

We also recommend that parents of teenagers read the article. The article is interesting, among other things it contains a detailed example of a quick and painless weaning of a child from bad habit(scatter dirty socks around the room). The same way can be done in other cases. Moms will also benefit from these tips.

If you need a consultation with a psychologist or psychotherapist, then you are here.

Comments

    Nina (paid consultation):

    These are all the right words, only in life everything is much more complicated. How can a teenager survive at the age of 16, if the father has a different family and all the father's attempts to influence the upbringing of his son are taken with hostility, and the mother does not have enough strength to raise two teenage sons!

  • Hope:

    Hello. Please tell me how to behave with my 14-year-old daughter, whom you constantly talk about the order in the room, she agrees, stuffs dirty things in the corners and closets, and one fine day, when I raked these things into the middle of the room, I left home and returned an hour later. Doesn't answer questions, snarls. What to do?

  • Alexandra (paid consultation):

    Please advise what to do? My daughter is 16 years old, when trying to talk with her all the time, one rudeness and negativity, how to find a common language, they have already tried everything and, for good and bad, lives in his own world and does not let anyone go there, neither dad nor mom. doesn’t refuse, doesn’t leave the room at all only for needs, doesn’t have girlfriends, doesn’t go for walks Now she’s come up with a diet, she doesn’t really eat, she’s already lost a lot of weight and still continues

    • Elena Lostkova:

      Hello Alexandra. Try to find the key to your daughter's heart. Each of us has some hobbies. Someone likes rock, someone likes fishing, someone likes embroidery. It often happens that a person is reluctant to respond to our attempts to communicate with him, but as soon as we ask him a question from the area of ​​\u200b\u200bhis hobby, things change. We are pleased to talk about our hobby, as well as our achievements in it. Just be interested sincerely, naturally, as if by the way, just like that (at least, it should seem so from the outside). It is unlikely that your daughter will appreciate your initiative if she understands that this is another attempt to find an approach to her. For example, consider this situation. For example, your daughter likes a certain performer (Dima Bilan, Yegor Creed, etc.) and his songs. As if by the way, tell your daughter something like: “Today I accidentally heard Bilan's song. It turns out he has normal songs, I liked it. Until now, this song is spinning in my head ... ". And then ask something about Bilan or about his work. Of course, you should first listen to his songs and read something about him. Once you find the key, develop communication further on the same topic. The more keys you find for your daughter, the better. Try to be useful, provide your daughter with some services that are really valuable to her. Continuing the theme with Bilan: buy her a ticket to his concert (carefully offer your daughter your company for this event, as she has no friends with whom she could go to the concert). When possible, give your daughter various items or souvenirs on the theme of her hobby (posters with Bilan, magazines or books about Bilan or written by him, CDs with his songs (if the daughter does not have them yet)). Become, if not a fan of Bilan, then a person who is regularly interested in him and his work. Then you will always have a “good reason” for contacting your daughter (for example, interesting news for her from the life of her idol). What other keys can be used? 1) Preparation for exams. Think about how you can help your daughter: hire a tutor, buy books for self-study, help pick up theoretical or practical material, etc. It is better, of course, to ask your daughter what kind of help she needs. But if you know in advance that you will run into a refusal, you can simply buy and give her books. And do not require her to use them. After all, it was just your gift. Of course, if you are going to hire a tutor, then this must be agreed with your child. 2) Admission. Talk to your daughter carefully about this topic. Find out who she would like to become, where she would like to go. Treat her desires with respect, and not as something stupid, immature, naive. Otherwise, you can easily push it away from you. Having chosen a profession, start selecting those educational institutions where you will send documents. Consult with your daughter, discuss possible options. Here are some topics for conversation that will be of interest to your daughter. You may have to attend courses or a tutor for successful admission. In general, do everything to make your child's admission successful. This will be your overall victory. 3) Diet. Your daughter is concerned about her appearance and tries to improve it. You can invite her to act like adults do. For example, visit a nutritionist to develop a diet for her, tell her how to lose weight and how not. Or donate a subscription to Gym, or fitness (first find out if she needs it). Think about how else you can help her hobby. And make your dreams come true. These are the keys that came to my mind "offhand". Think of the rest yourself, based on those things that are interesting to your daughter. Your girl is already big, so try to communicate with her on an equal footing, like an adult with an adult, with respect and friendliness. Teenagers don't like being treated like children. You need to try to establish FRIENDLY communication with your daughter. And for this, you need to talk with the child on topics that are interesting to him, so that he would be interested in communicating with you. A more advanced level of communication is heart-to-heart talk. But for this it is necessary that the child began to trust you, could entrust his secrets. We must strive for this. Friendly communication with the child solves the problem of disobedience, "doing nothing." After all, a friend (even if it is a parent) does not want to offend; like it or not, but the request of a friend must be fulfilled, otherwise you risk ruining the relationship. Don't give up if it doesn't work at first. Act as if you were taming a wild beast: perhaps it will be long and difficult, perhaps it will let you in a little bit. Do not be angry with your daughter for your unsuccessful attempts: after all, you are trying to “tame” her, and she initially did not seek to communicate with you. Good luck finding your keys!

    • Olesya (paid consultation):

    Hello! Please advise how to find a common language with a teenager of 17 years old (husband's son, lives with us for a year, studies). Relations are good both with us and with his mother (she lives in another city). not interested, except for computer games, he won’t pull him out into the street. He will unlearn. he will come home and lie in bed all day.

  • Olesya:

    Thank you very much for advice. advice from the side. Thanks again.

  • Natalia :

    Hello, tell me how to behave with my daughter 11 years old. We can’t talk normally, we often break into a scream. If you ask what to do, it will go right away, but more often when you start to swear, because you don’t hear it either the first or the second time. We quarrel, we talk, we cry, we make peace - it doesn’t last long.

  • Natalia (paid consultation):

    Please advise how to persuade a child to study
    My son is 17 years old, after school he went to study, but in the middle of the school year he dropped out, no persuasion helps.

    • Elena Lostkova:

      Hello, Natalia. First you need to find out the reason for the refusal to study. Teenagers often do not dedicate their parents to their difficulties. Therefore, adults often think that the problem arose out of the blue. Actually it is not. Teenagers, faced with a problem, often do not see the ways to solve it that adults would see. The fact that your son dropped out in the middle of his first year makes me think of a possible reason. In the middle of the year in many educational institutions sessions are going on. The approach of the first session in life frightens many first-year students. Some teenagers are so unsure of their abilities and are afraid of “filling up” the session that they drop out of school even before the exams. By the way, the same thing can happen before school exams (OGE and USE). Apparently, the children reason this way: it is better to leave on your own than to disgrace yourself (not to pass the exams, therefore, to leave school without a certificate, to be expelled from a university, secondary school, etc.). It is also possible that your son did not have time to pass everything on time. necessary work(controls, abstracts, etc.). All these problems may seem insoluble to a teenager. No one to consult. You can’t tell your parents: they will swear (I didn’t prepare, I didn’t pass on time, but I should have). Therefore, the teenager, seeing no other way out, solves the problem radically: he drops out of school. In fact, he would really need support in such a difficult situation for him. For example, a mother who once went through all these trials can calm her son down and explain that all students (even well-prepared ones) are afraid of the sessions, she can tell you how best to prepare for the sessions, what to do if you haven’t passed some kind of exam (and this happens often among the student fraternity). You can hire tutors for especially difficult subjects. You can, in the end, HELP the teenager do the required work or pick up necessary material(for example, a theory for each exam question). Which teenager do you think will do better: the one who struggles to complete a difficult problem alone, or the one who is helped and supported? Of course, fear of exams is not the only reason teens drop out of school. Perhaps the relationship with classmates did not work out; there is a conflict with the teacher; the teenager realized that he made a mistake in choosing a specialty (too difficult or uninteresting), etc. Therefore, I advise you not to force your son, but to find out the reason for refusing to study and OFFER him not only WAYS TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM, but ALSO YOUR HELP. If a teenager is afraid of the session, help him pass the exams. If there is a conflict with classmates or teachers, analyze the situation and, together with your child, decide what is best to do: build relationships here or change the place of study. If a teenager does not like a specialty, change it to one that he likes. In general, if you want to succeed, offer your teenager as much as possible. various options problem solving. It is possible that one of these options will appeal to him. Be flexible, look for a compromise. For example, a child is ready to study, but only in a different specialty, and because of this, he will lose one academic year. No matter how unpleasant the latter is for you, it is still your victory (you have achieved your goal, the child is ready to study further). Good luck to you!

  • Larisa:

    Hello. If I have no desire to improve relations with the father of a teenager, because everyone has their own reasons for discord. The child still sees where the parents love each other, where they simply pretend. Your advice is superficial. I think mothers just need to respect themselves, not to offend. to be above petty squabbles and the teenager will then understand who is the parent and what he is. The father smokes a lot, grumbles, does not say kind words and does not teach anything, drinks vodka in the evenings, although he is not an alcoholic, how can my mother protect him? Your advice is superficial, unfortunately. I just try to be friends with my son, respect his opinion.

  • Larisa:

    All these "sovdepovskie" postulates have long outlived themselves and it's time for you, the psychologists, to bring at least some kind of fresh stream in the discussion of such an interesting topic as the upbringing of adolescents. Why not instill in the child a sense of freedom of choice, confidence that if there is no love, then you need to say goodbye to your partner with dignity, and not blame him, blaming him for all your troubles, take responsibility and cultivate courage in making decisions. So but to teach your child not to be afraid of change and to understand that no one owes anything to anyone, what you sow, you will reap! In general, it is not interesting to read you. Sorry.

  • Galina (paid consultation):

    Hello! I'm wondering, how can a grandmother find an approach to a teenager? My granddaughter is 14 years, with parents often conflicts (one child in the family). One of these days they will bring her to live with us for the summer, so I thought. Of course I will cherish my granddaughter, as if within reason.

    • Elena Lostkova:

      Hello Galina. You can focus on the advice that is offered to parents. Take every piece of advice as an idea. And then decide for yourself how best to use it in the existing circumstances, and in general, whether you will use it or not. It is, of course, much easier for grandparents to be "good" to their grandchildren than it is for parents. After all, a large proportion of conflicts between adolescents and adults arise because children do not fulfill some school duties (did not sit down for lessons on time, received a bad grade, did not prepare for exams, etc.). Luckily, the school is on vacation in the summer. One less topic of contention. Of course, teenagers have different personalities. Some people are easy to get along with, some are difficult. But do not forget that the character of the child is not only natural inclinations, but also the result of upbringing by parents. Disadvantages in the character of the child are very often a “flaw” of the parents (what they taught, they do; what they didn’t teach, they don’t do). Therefore, by the way, I want to say again that a difficult child is a victim of some parental mistakes in his upbringing. And to blame a difficult child for his difficulties (as is customary in our society) is unfair and cruel, because he had no choice (to become “good” or “difficult”). I want to make a reservation that when I mention a difficult child, I don’t mean your granddaughter, but I’m talking about children in general (just as an example). Often, grandmothers do not want to actively participate in the process of raising their grandchildren. After all, conflicts with the younger generation are often associated with it, which grandmothers seek to avoid. They simply turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of children, without trying to correct them, they do not make special demands on children. Therefore, grandchildren, being visiting such grandmothers, live like in paradise. You don’t need to go to school, you don’t need to do homework, sleep as much as you like, you can go to bed late, they don’t really bother with household chores, they don’t read lectures. Personally, I really like this “policy” of grandmothers. In the end, they have already raised their children (and this is hard work), now let the children take care of raising their grandchildren. Already adult grandchildren of such grandmothers at the mention of the words "carefree childhood" with warmth and tenderness remember exactly their grandparents, their house, the time spent there in childhood. These memories warm a person all his life, help him adequately endure life's difficulties. The choice is yours: which “policy” in dealing with your grandchildren you like best, choose that one. If you manage to fix a good relationship with a teenager, then he will listen to your words, your opinion will have weight for him, your requests will not go unanswered. In this case, you may even be able to put something into the heads and souls of your grandchildren or teach them something. One of the problems that grandmothers face is the unwillingness of their grandchildren to help with the housework. Here are some tips on this topic. No one (including children and teenagers) likes to be forced to poke his nose into his own mistakes. No one likes communication like "boss - subordinate" (when one ordered, the other did). But many children will willingly respond to a request for help if a grandmother asks for help, who, due to her age, has a backache. If the child takes pity on you, he will be much more willing to respond to your request. A request for help is much more effective than an order or instruction to carry out some assignment. Because in the first case, you kind of cooperate with the child, and in the second case, you force him. That's why do not "order", but ask for help. Of course, it is not necessary to refer to diseases every time. But the fact that the grandmother is already old and without the help of her grandchildren will not be easy for her, children and teenagers should know. You can talk to them about this once at the very beginning of the holidays: 1) explain “in a human way” why you need help with the housework And 2) what threatens you with an extra exercise stress (legs, back, head, etc. will hurt). 3) Then ask your child for help with household chores(meaning not a one-time act of assistance, but assistance throughout the entire time that the child will be visiting you). 4) Try to get his voluntary, and not forced, consent to such assistance. Pay attention to the following. During the conversation, refer to specific pain (pain in the back, legs, etc.), and not to diagnoses (“hypertension will play out”, “pressure will increase”, etc.). The child understands the specific pain, but the diagnoses are not (it is not clear what hurts and whether it hurts at all). When negotiating with your child for help, give examples of the assignments that you will ask him to complete (go to the store, sweep the floor, etc.). It is difficult even for an adult to make a promise to help if he does not know what kind of help, how often and in what volumes he will need. If there are any other difficulties associated with a teenager, then you can act according to the same principle: “humanly” talk with a teenager, explain your point of view (try to convince him of the justice of your requests) and agree amicably on the result you need. Good luck to you!

    • Galina:

    Thank you! I hope I can do it. I'm only 55, so we'll hang out with my granddaughter!!! I completely agree with you, difficult teenagers are not born, they become with the wrong approach to the child (I can’t convince my daughter of this). Thank you again.

  • Irina :

    Hello, I read the correspondence of my daughter of 13 years old in contact in secret from her (on her guard due to death groups, and in general it was interesting), as it turned out, she has been corresponding with a young man of 30 years old from Novosibirsk (2700 km from us) since November 2016, as I understand it , met somewhere in groups, games. The daughter confesses her love to him, gathering her thoughts for a long time, everyday dialogue consists of how are you? how was the day? Good night or he writes “depr” to me - I’ll go out the window !!! I’m terribly scared, I’m thinking what to do right, at first I wanted to write to him directly, but I think that he will tell her, and this is a discord with my daughter, and suddenly I’m worried for a reason! !!

  • Irina (paid consultation):

    I am raising my daughter alone. I started smoking, comes home late, talks (fuck off, leave me alone,) I start scolding her, she says I’ll leave home. What to do? How to behave? Can push. Tell me how to improve relations?

  • Svetlana (sample of paid consultation):

    Hello Elena. Please help with advice. I am the aunt of a 14 year old teenager ( younger sister his mother). We lived in different cities, but when my sister was born, she lived with us for the first time and I nursed him. I love him very much, always spoiled him. I tried to build friendly relations, and he calls me by name on you. 4 months ago, my sister's husband died, leaving the business. A sister until five at her main job after that goes to her husband's office and stays there until nightfall. She asked me to move in with her to help with the children and life. She also has a 9 year old son. My 8 year old daughter and I moved in with them. I got a job, my daughter went to the same class with her youngest son (she went to school a year earlier) And then he was replaced. He became aggressive. He offends kids, calls him names, makes him do everything, but he does nothing. In response to my remarks, he told me that I was nobody to him, that he was the heir and would kick us out of their house if he wanted to. I told my sister about this, but it was a very gentle conversation. The situation has not changed. The sister does not notice anything, does not want to listen to anything and, of course, protects him in everything. And he, feeling his mother's support, behaves more and more obscenely. I try to explain to him that I am here at the request of his mother to take care of them and help them for the first time. It seems to be silent. But after a couple of days, it's rude again. How to be I do not know. I can't leave her alone at this moment. And I love him very much. I don’t know what approach to find, I don’t want anything, I don’t like it, I don’t like it. I tried not to pay attention at all. So he generally began to treat him like a house worker, who cooked and whether I ironed his clothes. I'm desperate.

    • Elena Lostkova:

      Hello Svetlana. Since your nephew has just experienced a tragedy, you need to proceed carefully so as not to provoke even more problems. 1) Do not engage in "exchange of pleasantries" on emotions (do not return rudeness with rudeness). Stop each episode of rudeness calmly, but decisively. In response to rudeness and rudeness, it is better to calmly and confidently note that it is not permissible to talk to parents and other adults in such a tone, and invite the teenager to be alone for a while to calm down. When the emotions of all participants in the conflict subside, it is necessary to discuss what exactly led to the conflict, what feelings the parents (or other family member) had at the same time, what the teenager felt at the same time, how to resolve the misunderstanding that arose. This should ideally be the case, but it doesn't always work out in practice. Need to try.

      Elena Lostkova:

      2) Try to avoid conflict situations. Analyze what situations provoke conflict. For example, you have prepared a meal and invite your teenager to dinner. And he still doesn't go. You come back and start making claims to him: “How long can I wait?”. And in response, he throws you some kind of barb. How can you do it differently here? Perhaps we should stop at the first invitation (they came, politely invited, and that's it). And the rest (will come, will not come) does not concern you. Perhaps you should take this position: I help my sister with the housework and care for younger children, and the issues of raising a teenager are her task. He did not come to dinner, did not sit down for lessons, etc. - let the sister herself conduct educational conversations with her son. You can argue this by saying that he still does not obey you, and when you start to insist, this leads to a conflict. Your job is to remind the teenager once about the fulfillment of the next duty (for example, “5 o'clock. It's time to sit down for lessons”) and no longer insist and control him.

      Elena Lostkova:

      3) If you need to make a remark to your nephew, also do it calmly and confidently. Not angry, not annoyed, not offended, but calm, neutral. No need for long lectures. They said 1-2 phrases and left. Think in advance about what phrase you will say to him. Neither in your tone nor in your words should there be aggression, "collision". Otherwise, he will definitely want to say something offensive to you in response. For example, you could say, “Stop making little ones do the dishes for you! Go my self!" (with this phrase, you kind of hinted that the nephew is bad, and his act is bad, and even ordered him to do something). It’s better to say something neutral: “Kids have their duties, you have yours. Everyone washes the dishes himself” (it turned out, as it were, not a personal appeal to a teenager, but a statement of fact). You see, in the second phrase, we avoided all three unpleasant moments for a teenager that were present in the first phrase. If, nevertheless, he is rude in response, again in a calm and confident tone (without your personal emotions), answer him: “You can’t talk with adults in that tone” (Have you noticed that this phrase is again simply stating a fact?) or “In such a tone I won't talk." And leave. Most importantly, do not let him drag you into a skirmish. You did your job (did not leave the act or rudeness unattended, reacted correctly to them), and leave the bringing up of a teenager to the ideal for mom. Do not control whether he washed the dishes or not, do not force him to fulfill his duty and do not tell him anything else about this particular act (if he does not wash it next time, reprimand him again). And let him not even come and wash the dishes after him. It's okay, it's not your concern. If you still decide to wash it yourself, then do it so that your nephew does not notice it. For example, the dishes he didn’t wash stand alone in the sink until the evening (what if he decides to check?), And after dinner you wash them with all the rest of the dishes. Otherwise, he will decide that if not done, then someone will definitely do it for him.

      Elena Lostkova:

      4) What if a teenager asks you for help (I mean some household chores, and not something serious related to life and health)? If he asks rudely, calmly and confidently, inform him that you will not fulfill the request said in such a tone. If he asks okay, help him.

      Elena Lostkova:

      5) Children always feel well who can sit on the neck (weak), and who cannot (strong). Even at school, one teacher can be rude, but not another, as this is fraught with unpleasant consequences. Therefore, perhaps you forgave your nephew too much, while it was necessary not to disregard any such episode of rudeness. During conflicts, do not let the teenager bring himself to emotions. Always remain calm and confident. Emotions and kindness are often perceived by children (and adults) as weakness. And calmness and self-confidence are like strength. This is how we distinguish strong people from the weak.

      Elena Lostkova:

      6) The problem of rudeness and rudeness of teenagers is faced by many parents. It's connected with age characteristics psyche. Perhaps the problem existed even before your arrival.

      Elena Lostkova:

      7) Pay attention to the manner of communication of your sister (in relation to you). It happens that children copy the behavior of their parents. For example, a child treats his mother in the same way as his father treats her. And vice versa, he communicates with his father the way his mother communicates with him.

      Elena Lostkova:

      8) It is possible that by your arrival you have constrained the teenager. Many people look forward to the departure of guests, despite the fact that these guests are loved and useful to them. Try to understand what kind of inconvenience the teenager is experiencing and try to remove those that are possible. Maybe younger kids are picking him up? If the teen doesn't like it, don't let them do it. Maybe he wants to be alone in the room? Give him such an opportunity, at least temporarily, by engaging the younger children with some activity in another room.

      Elena Lostkova:

      9) Try to evaluate objectively how you communicate with a teenager. What phrases do you say to him, in what tone. Remember yourself in adolescence and try to imagine whether you would like such an appeal or not. Don't treat him like to a small child? Are you trying to control his actions (did you eat, did your homework, etc.). Adolescents often have conflicts with parents and other family members on this basis. Teenagers begin to rebel, because they do not agree that they are still considered small and in control of everything. Try to give him more freedom and less control. Maybe, he rebels because you took on the role of a parent(which in itself implies frequent encounters with conflict situations). Maybe you should give it up? And then part of the conflict situations will simply disappear.

      Elena Lostkova:

      Elena Lostkova:

      11) It's good if you manage to establish such trusting communication. During it, you may be able to find out the true reasons why he treats you so disrespectfully. Maybe, knowing them, you will be able to establish a relationship with him. But mom must try to establish such a trusting relationship. The teenager recently experienced a tragedy. Plus there is a hormonal change in the body. Plus, his life has changed a lot (dad is no more, mom is almost never at home, an aunt arrived with a small child). In fact, the boy lost both parents. Mom comes very late, all tired, all her attention goes to other family members (aunt, younger brother etc.). Mom pays attention to him only when he has done something, but such conversations are hardly pleasant for both of them. The teenager was left alone, alone with his pain. There is no one to talk heart to heart with, all experiences boil inside, which is very bad for any person. So he just wants to be left alone, since they can’t give him what he needs. Mom urgently needs to shift the focus from work to children. I understand that this is very difficult, but it must be done. Otherwise, she only increases the burden of tragedy that has fallen on the shoulders of her children. It is necessary that the mother spends more time with the children, and spend it pleasantly for the children: talking with them, playing, reading, going to the cinema, etc. Be sure to express your love with the help of touch (kiss, hug, etc.) .), but only if the children do not take it negatively. From time to time you need to talk heart to heart with children. This kind of trusting communication is the pinnacle of parenting. During such conversations, parents can convey to their children something that did not work out before. Because at such moments children not only listen, but also hear their parents. It is a sin not to use them for educational purposes. You just need to get the conversation right. Forget about notations. It's just that both sides should share their experiences, fears; somewhere you need to sympathize, pity the child; if there are comments on his behavior, then you need to make them very carefully so as not to offend him, and you also need to explain why this is wrong from the point of view of the parent, what it can lead to, and report that the parent is very worried about because he is afraid that the child will get into trouble. And all this should be done sincerely, not feigned, and not a burden on both sides. Trusting communication is also a psychological help of parents to their children. Good luck to you!

    • Oksana (sample of paid consultation):

    Hello, Elena. My son is 18 years old, he entered a university in another city, he is studying in his first year. Yesterday I found out that he missed classes, and most importantly, he lies to me that he is in the classroom, studying. And then he already gives out that he did not find the educational building. I think that these are just excuses, since he likes to play computer games. Now he is running out of money on his card, so I am tormented by doubts, will I do the right thing if I punish him with a ruble for the weekend? Or will it be worse? He calmly missed 4 pairs, and he’s lying to me, he doesn’t consider himself guilty

    • Elena Lostkova:

      Hello Oksana. It would be right to talk to your son frankly, but humanly, in a good way. In general, if possible, talk heart to heart with him. Find out why he misses classes, tell him about the consequences of such absenteeism and about your feelings about this, about your worries that your son may have problems due to the fact that he does certain things wrong. Try to talk in such a way that your son understands that you are not worried about the study itself, but for himself, for his well-being, for his happiness. Tell him that the first session is very important. That not everyone passes the test in the first session, because they catch on too late and do not have time to prepare. As a result, they are either expelled, or they drop out of school before the session itself (they are afraid of exams and are sure that they will not pass them). To prevent this from happening, you need to start studying right away, literally from the first days. Of course, you know your son better, but still, silently admit the thought that he did not skip or skip along good reason. We can't tell our parents everything. Perhaps there is a reason, but he does not want to talk about it. Maybe he didn’t get along with peers or with a teacher, or something else. Tell your son that if he has any problems, let him turn to you, you will try to help him. During the conversation, you can amicably agree that if the computer interferes with your studies, you will have to pick it up. If a computer is needed for study, he will have to go to the library of the university and study there. Do not take any measures that are unpleasant for your son (take away the computer, deprive him of money, etc.) without prior warning. After all, your goal is to correct your son’s behavior (and not to take things away), so give him the opportunity to take action, to correct himself. Warn not aggressively, but calmly, kindly, like you would not want to do this, but it may turn out that you have to. Choose your words and tone well. For example, you can say this: “You won’t get another computer” (this is a bad option). Or you can do this: “If the computer interferes with your studies, I will have to take it away. I don't want you to get in trouble because of him." Now it is very important how exactly you will communicate with your son: in a good way or in a bad way. When a child is around, he can still be forced to learn. And when he is far away, how can this be done? No way. Only with the help of confidential communication, when you HEAR the child and he HEARS you (hears, in the sense he takes your words into account, listens to them, and does not pass by his ears, brains and souls). Remember how you communicate heart to heart with best friend. The conversation is pleasant for both of you, without tension. You both hear and understand each other's feelings and experiences. Your souls at this moment are open to each other. If one other advises something or asks for something, then the other, without internal resistance, is voluntarily ready to help, fulfill the request. If such communication is possible between two people who are essentially strangers, then between the closest people (mother and child) it is even more possible. You just need to try to establish trusting communication from the earliest childhood of the child. And if this has not been done before, then try to do it at least now. Confidential communication is the most powerful educational tool (parents do not force the child, but agree with him in a good way). This communication brings parents and children closer together. I have already talked about the advantages of communicating “in a good way”. And now I’ll tell you about the disadvantages of communicating “in a bad way” (parents force a child, apply moral and physical violence to him). Such communication creates an abyss between parents and the child. Both sides do not understand each other and do not want to listen to the words and requests of the other side, conflicts often arise. For both parties, such communication is not comfortable. This is how difficult children and adolescents appear (this is the result of improper upbringing by parents). What do we do when our interactions with someone constantly upset us? With such a person, we strive to either communicate to a minimum, or not communicate at all. So it turns out that while the children are in school, they are nearby (they have no choice), and when they leave home, they forget about their parents, since communication with them was too often unpleasant (I don’t want to continue it). These are the disadvantages of communicating "in a bad way." I don’t know exactly how you communicate with your son, so I described both options in detail. How to proceed - the choice is yours. My personal opinion: try to become a FRIEND for your son (to make it work, figure out for yourself what friends do and what they don’t), combine the two roles of “mother” and “friend”. As a result, firstly, you will be able to communicate with your son more often and qualitatively at a distance. Secondly, to some extent you can influence his behavior, his actions. Good luck to you!

  • Maria:

    Hello, my daughter is 16 years old. Dating a 19 year old guy. He is everything to her! She goes to bed when he calls her. They live with a guy in neighboring cities. He comes to her. She began to leave notes about her pregnancy like "I'm pregnant, don't tell anyone." I ask what is it? And she says that they are so funny in college and it doesn’t mean anything because she’s still small. Grandma calls her and asks how are you? She tells her that I feel sick all the time. Although I know that she has her period. I start asking questions why she is doing this, she screams that her grandmother invented everything. He says that he lives with us out of necessity. That if I don't like something, I can refuse it. Her friend left home and refused her mother in social security, she says that her mother yells constantly. I do not know what to do?

    Maria:

    I’ll add to the previous comment, tell me what to do in those situations when my daughter offends me and my husband. Can say anything. And at the same time she accuses us that we treat her badly. Good does not notice, only reproaches. Her father lives in another city and did not communicate with her for a long time, tired of his personal life. Her stepfather raised her as a daughter. This summer, during a conflict with her, my husband decided to stand up for me and take the phone from her, she did not give it back and had to take it by force. Before that, the daughter called her husband dad, now she doesn’t call him at all, she hasn’t talked to him since the summer. She began to go to her own father, and blame me for everything that happens. I'm so tired and I try to close my eyes to a lot, but I'm breaking down, please tell me a way out of the situation.

  • Anonymous :

    Hello, tell me how to find a common language with a child of 13 years old, with a divorced husband, there is a second husband and a child from a second marriage, for a child I am a bad snap, wants to go to my dad or grandmother to live.

  • Oksana:

    Hello, I don’t know what to do, hands down, help. My 16-year-old son himself went to college for a very serious specialty, his choice and dream. I studied for 3 months and it started, then I don’t want to go, now I want to take all the documents from there. We explain that you will lose a year and then what. Local vocational school-AUTOMECHANIC. They tried to dissuade him as best they could, he would not do anything, he said he would not study at all then, but would start working, we explained to him that no one now hires without education. At home, the situation is tense, the teachers spoke well of him, the son does not smoke, does not drink, but we don’t understand why this adherence to principles and persistence. Everything is fine in our family, my husband and I work, the eldest daughter is married, we all relax together. And my sister and her husband said that with such an education they would take it with their hands everywhere, they did not want to listen.

  • SydneyDop :

    SAY NO TO FEET PAIN AND
    UGLY "BONES" ON THE LEGS!
    RETURN BEAUTY AND HEALTH TO YOUR FEET!

    Professional tire Valufix®
    * Effectively eliminates transverse flat feet, which is a frequent companion of curvature thumb.
    * The splint straightens the compressed and twisted soft parts of the main joint of the thumb, and also corrects the developing curvature
    *Provides a stable, long-term effect and does not interfere with joint mobility.

    ORDER NOW WITH A 50% DISCOUNT + PROMOTIONS AND GIFTS FROM THE STORE!
    NO ONE WILL BE LEFT WITHOUT A GIFT! HURRY!

Hello dear readers! It's so hard to see that the child has really matured. Just yesterday, my daughter was not able to tie her shoelaces herself, but today she proves that she herself knows everything perfectly and knows how. Everything would be fine, but it becomes more difficult to control the child. One awkward movement and they will begin to hide something from you, you will not even know about the most exciting episodes. It's scary to think what it could lead to. How to deal with it?

Today I will tell you how to build a relationship with a teenage daughter. A few basic rules that are incredibly difficult to follow. They will help create a harmonious union and fully prepared for later life.

Treat like an adult

Whether you are a father or a stepfather, mother or stepmother in adolescence, a child needs special treatment. He felt like an adult. He is able to make independent decisions and be responsible for them.

The child for the first time begins to listen to his desires, he has special needs, and he already knows enough about the world to be cunning and. Not always correct.

So that a son or daughter does not run away to smoke, ride motorcycles, or in some other way prove to the world that they have matured, it is more profitable to create the illusion of a serious relationship in the family. Let him decide some issues himself: when to eat, what to do, who to be friends with, and so on.

Remember yourself. Even as a forty-year-old person, when you hear: "Do not look to the left," in 90% of cases you will turn your head in this direction. What do you want from a girl at 13? Any attempts to control her life only make things worse and make her want the forbidden fruit.

You have experience, you want good, but the stepdaughter is able to understand some things on her own. For example, if she does not want to sleep until three in the morning, and tomorrow she has to go to school, it is not necessary to force her to bed. In a week or two, she herself will understand the importance of the daily routine.

I remember one incident told by my friend. She has two daughters. One of them came home in a state of very strong alcohol intoxication. Both parents were already preparing to make a scandal, to which the sister, a girl who was only 15, said: “Mom, don’t scold Nastya. She is so sick now. Tomorrow will be even more embarrassing. I don’t think she will ever want to repeat this feat herself.”

In fact, the girl gave very good advice from a real psychologist. Every crime is followed by punishment. In this case, the teenager had to punish himself.

If the girl had been scolded, she would soon have forgotten about this incident and most likely the situation could repeat itself with one exception - she would not go home, but would wait until she felt better somewhere else.

The girl was held responsible for her actions. They showed that they treat her like an adult. As a result, she gave up strong alcohol forever.

We want to take care of the child, tell him how it will be better. Okay, we have experience, but how did we get it? Trial and error method. Sometimes even an adult cannot be reached. Especially if he doesn't ask you. Think of any friend of yours who suffers or works hard. You cannot influence. So what do you want from a teenager?

You can and should influence a teenager in other ways. I can recommend Anastasia Ponomarenko's book " How to build relationships with teenagers. 100 practical advice ". In it you will find many recommendations and advice from a psychologist.

Don't criticize

This is very important point which is forgotten in many families. If the stepdaughter has finally matured to tell you something about her life, in no case criticize her actions. Try to find a healthy, reasonable grain in all this.

There are no a priori evil people in nature. Every action we take is out of good intentions. Always. Do not blame a person for all mortal sins if he made a mistake. Try to understand and sympathize if necessary.

I know cases when even some incidents: “She will not understand anything, in any case I will be to blame.” If a teenager does not see support and any of his actions is interpreted as wrong, sooner or later he will begin to hide the facts from you.

Be a mentor, communicate with the child on an equal footing, as if it were your friend. Now it is too late to teach him life by appealing to strength and "teacher's" authority. Around the age of 13, the kid himself begins to understand who is good, smart, who should be listened to, and from whom nothing can be achieved.

Now you do not have the opportunity to "buy" love with toys. We must try to deserve it by showing participation in his life, caring, and sometimes simply not interfering in his affairs.

It is very difficult to communicate with a child as if it were your friend, but you will get much more from this strategy of behavior than if you try to continue to live in the old way, despite the fact that life and the person living next to you have changed.

Such a policy will help to improve even damaged relationships.
See you again. Don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter.



Share:

Similar articles