Problems between parents and children. System-Vector Psychology

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The relationship between parents and children is a unique phenomenon of society that defies explanation and classification. The true prerequisites for the loss of mutual understanding are known only to the participants in the quarrel, therefore, others can only guess about the cause of conflicts in the family. In the clash of generations, it is important to be guided by one's own preferences and take into account the interests of the opposition. Different views on life and an incorrectly chosen model of education - communication disappears as quickly as children grow up.

However, the observations of psychologists involved in the restoration of disparate cells of society make it possible to dispassionately discuss the problem of relations between parents and children. The main thing is to correctly perceive the recommendations of professionals. You should keep in mind that the tips and communication formats below are complex information and require additional modifications. After reading the content of the article, correlate the material with your own situation, drawing the right conclusions.

Classification of relationships between parents and children

The formation of the character and worldview of the child directly depends on the behavioral patterns of mom and dad, which they plan to adhere to in the process of raising their offspring. Communication within the family is the foundation of the young consciousness, projecting the events taking place in the world around us onto the home “example”. Resentments and joys, habits and mental disorders are echoes of childhood that the baby is guided by throughout his life. In the 21st century, five types of relationships between parents and the younger generation are traditionally classified:

Dictatorship.

Mother and father are trying to gain total control over the life of the child, guided by good intentions. However, regardless of the cause-and-effect relationships, the result of overprotection is the appearance of a mental disorder in the baby. The offspring does not spend time with peers, is not left alone with his own thoughts, cannot choose and be guided by personal preferences. The fragile world of a maturing child is completely in the power of parents who deprive the child of a happy childhood.

Belief.

This model of adult behavior is comparable to tyranny or dictatorship. Parents who have not realized their own dreams in life are trying to send a child in their “footsteps” who is called to correct the mistakes of the mother and father. They do not take into account the desires and preferences of the baby, guided solely by personal interests. Often in such families, spouses decide on the type of activity of children at the moment when they are just thinking about conception.

Friendliness.

Mom and dad participate in the life of the baby, without depriving him of personal space. Freedom of action and the opportunity to seek the advice of an adult "friend" are the main advantages of this technique. Parents maintain friendly relations with their offspring without losing authority. They try to meet the interests of the younger generation, sharing the child's hobbies. The main thing is not to "play too much".

Insensitivity.

Regular reproaches and accusations are the main signs of this format of education. A child in such a family feels unwanted, superfluous. In situations that have happened, parents invariably find causal relationships between the baby and the events that have occurred. In the process of upbringing, the offspring does not encounter "love", "understanding" and "affection". A grown child often refuses to maintain relationships with parents, guided by the scale of resentment from childhood. Removal of an angry child - The best decision problems, because some teenagers begin to avenge their spoiled youth.

Mentorship.

In such families, children can count on a recommendation wise man who will try to help, not reproach. The disobedience of the baby is punished, and independence is encouraged - such a model of communication is built on rationality and trust. Parents invariably participate in the offspring's life, trying to moderately control his behavior. Adults respect the choice of the child, who listens to the authoritative opinion of the mother and father.

How do you want to see your own offspring in years to come? Are you ready to notice in the eyes of the baby, unquenchable resentment and endless anger? Do you dream of hearing sincere words of gratitude from your child for a happy childhood? Complete mutual understanding and care for your beloved "old people" - are these your goals? The choice of a model for raising a child is the “key” to the future, to which only one door will open.

The main reasons for the disobedience of children

Severe behavioral disorders in children are the result of a mental disorder that could have appeared due to one of the following reasons:

Fight for attention.

In today's society, where adults spend an impressive amount of time at work, children are trying by any means to "get" their parents' free minutes. Toddlers don't realize that mom and dad are tired during the day. The child tries to attract attention with good deeds, but often no one responds to such actions. The only option that arises in the young mind is disobedience or a prank, after which parents will definitely devote their free time to raising their offspring.

Children make scandals, refuse to obey and propagate "revolutionary" sentiments for one reason - the desire to get rid of overprotection. Parents pay excessive attention to the baby, who is trying to show independence, so the “prank” becomes an expedient decision for the offspring. In keeping with youthful thinking, mom and dad need to understand the extent of the resentment of a child who is willing to go to extremes. “Favorite watch of a father who forbade meeting friends? Punish, but I will not put up with your opinion, ”the reasoning of the“ rebellious ”fidget.

Children's grievances that a child harbors throughout his life are a weighty argument for a teenager who decides to answer his parents with the same “coin”. If the baby was not allowed to communicate with peers, then he will disappear without demand for a long time in an unfamiliar company. The actions of the child belong to the format of relationships "contrary", where any action of the parents is perceived as wrong.

Loss of faith.

Regular criticism and endless prohibitions, an immense sense of guilt and a lack of understanding with parents are the reasons for becoming in the mind of a child. The kid, in whose success no one initially believes, despairs and decides to take things easier. Apathy to communicate with peers and the loss of parental authority, and the lack of desire for self-improvement are the result of an insensitive attitude of the mother and father to the offspring.

Implementation.

"Rebellion" against parental views is a prerequisite for changing one's own lifestyle, with which the young fidget is dissatisfied. Was the kid forced to enter the Suvorov School? Adults forced to learn to play the violin? Forcing a wife? Did the choice of professional activity take place without the participation of the offspring? A rebellion in the young mind will definitely arise - the only question is the scale of children's patience, which will one day end.

In order to identify the prerequisites for disobedience in your own offspring, it is important to pay attention to the feelings that arise in parents after the pranks of the child. If you feel anger inside, then the child will try to escape from hyper-custody. If you have a state of emptiness and endless loneliness, then the reason for the baby is seized by depressive thoughts. If you are annoyed by the actions of the child, then he consciously draws attention to himself. If, after the next “trick” of the young fidget, you are seized with resentment, then the baby takes revenge, wanting to specifically harm mom and dad.

Common Parenting Mistakes

The reasons for the disobedience of children are hidden in the wrong upbringing, which the parents adhered to in the process of growing up the child. If typical mistakes are not made in adolescence, then misunderstandings between family members will not arise. Common patterns of behavior of mothers and fathers, because of which relationships with children deteriorate:

Orders that deprive the child of choice and freedom of action.
Lack of trust and constant control.
Threats of punishment.
Groundless criticism, because of which the baby ceases to believe in his own strength.
Sarcastic ridicule of the act of the child, putting in an awkward situation.
Asking the offspring for personal information that he does not want to share.
Jokes from parents who do not want to answer the child's question.
Excessive teachings.
Forced "advice" that deprives the baby of his own opinion.
indifference in the life of a child.

In the relationship between parents and children, one should not forget the simple truth - the more privileges you have, the more responsibilities. Mutual understanding and participation in the life of a loved one is an effective way to help, and tyranny and regular disagreements are an inappropriate solution that destroys a person.

To prevent the loss of mutual understanding in relations with the child, parents must be clearly aware of the scope of the words spoken and the actions taken. In the upbringing of the offspring, it is important to systematize your own model of behavior, adhering to a well-thought-out strategy. Guided by the following recommendations, you can properly build communication with children:

It is important to define correctly and accessible for the young consciousness in childhood the boundaries of behavior that the child will perceive correctly. Restrictions are accompanied by the baby with the knowledge that such actions will upset the parents. If the child perceives the established framework as a “forbidden fruit”, then the situation will only worsen.
A child should realize from childhood that it is much more pleasant than living contrary to society and existing laws. Correct literature and educational films are effective ways of influencing the fragile consciousness of a baby.
Building on children's thinking is a "jewelry" method of education, which must be applied in a dosed manner. Moral teachings greatly tire the young mind, so you should not abuse communication in an imperative tone. - the ability to influence behavior, change the worldview of the child, and not punish, exacerbating the current situation.

Parents should not quarrel and sort things out in a raised voice in front of the child. While observing the conflict between adults, the authority of one of the participants in the dialogue invariably collapses in the mind of the child. Guided by an example of such behavior, the offspring may begin to show aggression, try to "rebel" and not listen to parental opinion.
Mother and father must learn to offer the baby an alternative that can interest the young researcher. The categorical “No” often causes a protest in the mind of the child, which means it becomes a guide to action. Present the information correctly, forbidding the use of felt-tip pens on the wallpaper, but allowing it on a special piece of paper. Hang the drawing of the offspring in a frame, paying attention to the abilities and talents of the baby. The next time the fidget will not want to create a conflict situation, but will replenish his own collection of images on the wall of "honor".
Some parents forget that the baby is the same person who feels pain and feels joy. In controversial situations, listen to the opinion of the child, learn to find compromise solutions. Stubbornness is not an indicator of power, but a sign of a lack of self-confidence. Mutual understanding and trust are prerequisites for the appearance of a child.

If you do not make common mistakes in the process of upbringing and maintain your own authority in the eyes of the child, then the grown offspring will be grateful for a happy adolescence. Do not forget about the effect of "Boomerang", which is applicable to the relationship between parents and children. If you surround your baby with care, then in old age, count on similar attention from an already adult child.

February 2, 2014, 10:24 am

Quarrels and conflicts arise in every family from time to time. They are hard to avoid, because often all the accumulated emotions boil up and go out, namely to family members. Children are especially emotional and conceived they arrange real performances at home, damaging the psychological situation within the family.

The problem of family relations is discussed daily. After all, it is becoming global and requires special attention.

The main causes of occurrence

• Not the desire to listen to the interlocutor, his desires.
• Not a coincidence of views on life.
• Excessive control.
• Ridicule of tastes.
• Lack of attention.
• Confusion at work.

The emergence of a conflict, its resolution

Now you need to deal with each of the above reasons separately.

In a conflict, both sides want to prove their point by raising their tone. Thus, they shout over each other, hearing only themselves and their claims. In such a situation, it is important to calm down and regain your sanity. This is the first rule. We need to take the will into a fist and take turns listening to each other. Do not interrupt and express your opinion without listening to the other side.

Parents tell the teenager that they need to walk until eight in the evening, and the child wants to go until eleven. Parents believe that only crazy people and criminals make tattoos, and the child considers it to be art. Over time, outlook on life changes. One cult develops into another, one trend is replaced by another. This is impossible to resist.

What to do in such a situation? To begin with, you need to give the child to comprehend his words and views on life. For example, a teenager wants to get a tattoo or dye their hair green. You should not yell at him and lecture about how indecent it is, that he has gone crazy and more. Need to have a conversation. It is necessary to find out whether this is a manifestation of the individuality of a teenager or whether it is following fashion. In the first case, explain to the child that when he becomes an adult, he can do what he wants (perhaps before that time he will change his mind). In the second, ask if he or society wants it. Weigh the pros and cons.

Who likes strong control that develops into power over a person? Yes, the child needs to be controlled, but by no means in everything. He must grow up as an independent person. You need to let him think that he makes his own decisions. Parents need to learn how to guide their children on the right path. Children should be treated equally. You should not say: "You are still a child, you cannot understand this." This will offend him, after which he will feel depressed. This condition can accompany him for the rest of his life.

What will be the reaction of the parents when the child appears in a rocker attire and turns on the rock volume at full volume? At first, this shocks them, but later they will start to make fun of him, thinking that in this way they will discourage interest in a new hobby. In fact, it hurts the child. After that, he will become closed, he will hide his hobbies from you, his views on life and his pastime will be kept secret. It will seem to him that any self-expression will cause laughter in his parents and they will ridicule him. Later baby, when it grows up, it will throw out all its rage and there will be a big conflict that can last for quite a long period of time.

What to do in this case to avoid strong quarrels? Accept the tastes of your children. Each of us has an individuality that requires expression in everything: in music, outlook on life, in clothes and character. Understand if his new hobby has become a defensive reaction to some event. Perhaps the teenager became goth because of unrequited love, and rock listens because there is not enough courage in real life. Ask why he likes it. Express your attitude in the right way. This is just a period of time for which the child has chosen an activity to his liking, there is no need to make a conflict out of this.

When a child lacks attention, he can arrange a conflict through which he will get what he wants. Parents notice their child. To avoid such unpleasant situations, you need to prevent all this. Pay attention to the child, try to spend some time in harmony, doing a common interesting thing or talking about your favorite topics. Don't forget to say you love. Indeed, due to the lack of love, aggression arises, from which quarrels and conflicts are born. Express all your love.

Yes, sometimes the state of the family depends on work. When parents come to the house after a bad day at work, and the children begin to attract attention, make noise, talk, this leads to a moral breakdown. All accumulated negative emotions during the day splash out on children. This can develop into a protracted conflict, especially with teenagers who are already going through a difficult time.

To avoid this, you need to talk to the children and explain that after work you come tired and want peace. Tell how much you love the baby, and on weekends you can devote yourself completely to the family. The main thing is to speak calmly, express what you expect understanding from the baby. Then the child will understand that it is necessary to behave less provocatively, as parents provide for the family.

To avoid situations that provoke conflict, you need to pay attention to the child in time, speak words of love, understand him and be able to objectively evaluate your actions and decisions. After all, it is in the family that a person’s personality is formed. Disputes and skirmishes cannot be avoided, but you can make sure that there are as few of them as possible. best advice- be able to hear each other, understand and accept the individuality of the baby. In any conversation with him, imagine that you are the same age as he is, so that he feels you are your friend with whom you can share secrets and talk on spiritual topics.

Any conflict situation can be easily resolved. Relationship problems are an eternal topic that requires special attention. In order for harmony to reign in the family, the laughter of happiness of children and parents can always be heard, you need to follow only a few rules.

Even people with a small age difference rarely have the same interests and outlook on life, let alone parents and children. Parents do not understand their children because they were taught to live and think differently. I want to describe the most common problems between parents and children and try to help solve them.

Problem One: Implementation

Everyone in childhood dreams of the future: someone wants to fly into space, someone wants to become a famous musician, someone wants to create an ideal family. But dreams are for that and dreams, that not all of them are destined to come true. Sometimes parents, having failed to realize their goals and dreams in life, see in their children a means of realizing them. Therefore, they send children to various sections and circles, interfere in their personal lives, even when children have long ceased to be children. Parents think: “I didn’t succeed, maybe my child will succeed,” but they forget that their child is a separate person, with his own interests and his own life path.
Parents in this case need to try to understand what their child wants, who he wants to be in the future life and make every effort so that the child chooses his own path. According to psychologists, it is a mistake to think this way - they say, the child is still small, how does he know what is best for him, we have already lived our lives, we know better - in these words, many parents recognize themselves. But after all, one cannot but agree that one's mistakes are better absorbed. And besides, none of the parents would want their children to realize in the future that they hate the work that their parents chose for them. All adults know perfectly well how hard it is to do an unloved thing and just “pull your strap” day after day.

Parents who do not have a personal life are often too baked so that at least their child is fine on a personal level. Do not forget that you can only advise, and your child must decide for himself what is best for him. Moreover, if you “did not work out”, where is the guarantee that your children will not repeat your mistakes through your efforts? Remember that all people are individual and your children are by no means an exact copy of you.

Children, upon reaching a conscious age, must learn to independently manage their future life. If you do not want what your parents are trying to impose on you, try to prove to them that your choice also has a right to exist. No need to say that you are doing this because you want it that way, try to justify why you want it and what awaits you in the future life with this choice. Collect information, provide facts to parents, prove your point of view, do not forget that you, not your parents, will live with this choice all your life.

Problem two: Overprotection

In principle, this problem borders on the first problem. Here again, the favorite phrase of parents appears: “We have lived our lives, we know better.” I advise parents to think about the fact that time has passed, the world has changed, and in this new world, in order to survive and achieve something, you need to act differently than 10 or even 20 years ago.
Parents also try to protect their children from the problems of this cruel world, not realizing that in later life they will still have to face these problems and much worse if the children go into this world unprepared. People who in childhood were subjected to this kind of "care", having come into the real world, as a rule, do not stand up and break down. Such people often become alcoholics and drug addicts, trying to escape from the reality to which they are not at all adapted. Children should be given maximum freedom. Oddly enough, the more freedom is given not only to children, but to people in general, the less they have the desire to use this freedom and the stronger the prohibition, the greater the desire to violate this prohibition. If you still want to turn your child away from something, then do not forbid him, but simply explain why it is not worth doing / trying.

I would advise children to show their parents more often that you have some kind of independence. Prove that you can learn on your own, because you need it yourself, learn to do it yourself right choice in any situation, earn extra money more often, this will prove that in the future you will be able to take care of yourself. Believe me, parents will respect you for such actions and will see you as a person, and not just their child. You should not have thoughts that I have grown to these rights, but not yet to these duties. On this occasion, we would like to say that the more rights you have, the more responsibilities - this is the adult life that you strive for so much, but do not forget that childhood is not such a long period of time, and you still have time to become adults though better early than late.

Do not forget that everyone has their own path in life, and everyone should go through it as he wants. The main thing is that a person, looking back at the past years, understands that he has done everything or almost everything that he wanted to do.
If your child is just passionate about something, then let him try, help him in this, he will still have time to take on another matter, get another education, work at another job, fall in love with another person, because life is not so short as we think.
Anna Stepanova

Children are in many ways our reflection and continuation. In some ways, we really like it, are accepted and loved, and in some ways it can cause tension, anxiety, and sometimes irritation and even anger. The psychology of parents is such that the stereotypes of child-father or child-mother relationships come from the childhood of the parents themselves. Very difficult to harmonize relationship

To the question "Are you satisfied with the mutual relations

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Relationship between parents and children

The problem of fathers and children has existed at all times, while different generations, and even families, had different approaches to the upbringing, communication and education of their children. But, in principle, the problems did not change at all and remained the same.

Children are in many ways our reflection and continuation. In some ways, we really like it, are accepted and loved, and in some ways it can cause tension, anxiety, and sometimes irritation and even anger. The psychology of parents is such that the stereotypes of child-father or child-mother relationships come from the childhood of the parents themselves. It is very difficult to harmonize relationships with a child, without having comprehended them before that. It often happens that children and parents have completely opposite opinions about their relationship. For example, after conducting a sociological survey of children and parents, the following statistics were revealed:

To the question "Are you satisfied with the relationship ?" 50% of children and 33% of mothers answered "Yes, completely"; to the question "Do conflicts often occur in your family?" 17% of children and 11% of parents answered "Often", 19% of children and 24% of parents answered "Almost don't happen."

Especially now, when parents are at work all day, and children are at school, there is absolutely no communication. It is replaced by the media, computers or friends. In the West, more attention is paid to this issue, there are family psychologists who are called upon during conflicts or family problems. Of course, in Russia they also exist, but there are a lot of stereotypes that a normal (once a Soviet person) will not go to a psychologist. Naturally, it is very difficult to break these stereotypes.

Let's take a look at the situation when parents build relationships with children on the principle of complete equality and friendship. From such parents one can often hear: "We and our children are real friends. We do not want them to be afraid of us or behave like babies." In families this type parents are called by name, and, in general, this family resembles a school camp.

But if you take a closer look, it turns out that in such a family friendship ends in words, and then harsh reality begins. This is how parents behave, who in childhood were deprived of the attention of their parents, and therefore want to transfer this friendship to their own children, believing that they will help themselves and their children. Of course, in mutual relations between parents and children friendship must be present, but it must be remembered that friendship is not the only form of relationship.

Parents exist in our life from the very beginning, and friends appear much later. In addition, we must not forget about such an important thing as the authority of the parent. Dad or mom can always influence a child, which friends cannot. Basically, friendship child and parent - a good thing, but from the point of view of an adult. What happens in a child’s head when he considers his dad a friend, equal in status. The child behaves as he would do with friends. He no longer obeys or requires parents to respect his point of view (which often turns out to be a rarity in the family).

So let's conclude. Before choosing any thoughtful strategy in the relationship between you and your child, think first of all how the child himself will perceive this form of relationship. Although the option with a psychologist is not so bad.

Probably, no one will have a question who is more important for a parent in this world - of course, a child. The most interesting thing was that the children answered this question, namely: "If this day were the last in your life, with whom would you spend it?" So, 27% did not name their parents at all, but friends and their loved ones. It's not really a big number, but it's worth considering...

What hinders communication with the child

1. Orders, commands: "Now stop it!", "So that I don't hear it again!", "Shut up!". In these categorical phrases, the child hears the unwillingness of the parents to delve into his problem, feels disrespect for his independence. Such words evoke a feeling of lack of rights, and even abandonment "in trouble." In response, children resist, are offended, stubborn.

2. Threats, warnings: "If you don't stop crying, I'll leave", "It will happen again, and I'll take the belt." Threats are pointless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They only drive him into an even greater dead end. With frequent repetition, children get used to them and stop responding to them.

3. Criticism, accusations: “What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “All because of you!”, “I shouldn’t have relied on you!”, “Forever you! ..” No educational such phrases cannot play a role. They cause in children either active defense: (reciprocal attack, denial, anger), or despondency, depression, disappointment in themselves and in their relationships. with a parent. In this case, the child develops low self-esteem; he begins to think that he really is a bad, weak-willed, hopeless, loser. And low self-esteem creates new problems. The faith of some parents in the educational value of criticism is immeasurable. Only this can explain that sometimes in families, remarks mixed with commands become the main form of communication with the child. The result is a set of negative opinions about oneself, and even expressed by the closest people. What can save the day? The first way: try to pay attention not only to the negative, but also to the positive aspects of your child's behavior. Do not be afraid that words of approval addressed to him will spoil him. For example: "It's good that you came when you promised", "I like to cook with you together."

4. Making fun of, calling names: "Crybaby - wax", "Don't be a noodle", "Well, just a club!", "What a lazybones you are!" All this - The best way push the child away and "help" him to lose faith in himself. As a rule, children are offended and defend themselves: “And what is it like?”, “Let it be noodles”, “Well, I will be like that!”

5. Asking: “No, you still say”, “What happened anyway? I still find out”, “Well, why are you silent?”. It's hard to stop asking questions. But it is better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones.

6.Joking:

Son: You know, dad, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything about it.

Dad: How much we have in common!

Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as "Leave me alone!", "Not up to you", "You are always with your complaints!"

7. Moral: "You must behave properly", "Every person must work", "You must respect adults." Usually children from such phrases do not learn anything new, their behavior does not change. They feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often both. Moral foundations and moral behavior are brought up not so much by words as by the atmosphere in the house, through the imitation of the behavior of adults, especially parents. If a child violates the norms of behavior, it is necessary to see if anyone in the family behaves in a similar way. If this reason disappears, then another is most likely at work: the child "goes beyond" because of his internal disorder, emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teaching is the most unfortunate way to help the cause. Talk about moral standards and rules of behavior with children it is necessary only in calm moments, and not in a tense situation. Otherwise, words only add fuel to the fire.

8. Notations: “It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You are distracted endlessly, so you make mistakes”, “How many times have you told, but you don’t listen” is called “psychological deafness.” Dad: Faith, if you if you step into the water, you will get your feet wet. Your body will cool down, and you can easily catch an infection. You should know that in the spring there is a lot of infection in the city. Vera (stepping into another puddle): Dad, why is the uncle who passed through Red nose?

9. Tips: "And you take it and say ...", "Why don't you try ...", "In my opinion, you need to go and apologize", "I would hit back if I were you." Children are not inclined to listen to our advice. Sometimes they openly rebel: "You think so, but I think differently", "It's easy for you to say", "I know without you!". What is behind these negative reactions of the child? The desire to be independent, to make decisions yourself. Each time, advising a child, we kind of inform him that he is still small and inexperienced, and we are smarter than him. Such a position of parents "from above" irritates children and does not leave them with a desire to tell more about their problem.

10. Sympathy in words: The child needs to be sympathized, but in words like: "Calm down", "Pay no attention", "It will grind, there will be flour" he can hear neglect of his worries, denial or downplaying of his experiences.

Daughter (frustrated): Today I was running down the corridor at school, and Seryozhka put my leg up, and I fell.

Father: Well, nothing, nothing, you didn’t crash.

Daughter: Yes, nothing, but all the boys laughed!

Father: Come on, don't pay attention!

Daughter: It's easy for you to say, but it hurts me!

11. Guessing: "I know it's all because you ...", "Again, or something, I got into a fight", "I still see that you are deceiving me ...". One mother liked to repeat to her son: "I can see right through you and even two meters below you!", which invariably infuriated the teenager. Who likes to be "calculated"? This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to get away from contact.

12. Praise: There is a subtle but important difference between praise and encouragement or praise and approval. There is an element of evaluation in praise: “Well done, you are just a genius!”, “You are my most beautiful (capable, smart)!”, “You are so brave!” Where there is praise, there is reprimand. Praising in some cases, the child will be condemned in others. Also, the child can become addicted to praise: wait, seek it. Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, i.e. praise him for some reason. How to respond to the success of the child? It is best to express your feelings to him using the pronouns "I", "me" instead of "you".

Daughter: Mom, today I got two fives in Russian at once.

Mom: I'm very happy! (Instead of: "What a good fellow you are!")

Psychologists have identified four main underlying causes of serious behavioral disorders in children.

First - fight for attention. If a child does not receive the right amount of attention, which he needs so much for normal development and well-being, then he finds his own way to get it: disobedience. Parents now and then break away from their affairs, make comments ... It cannot be said that this is very pleasant, but attention is still received. It's better than none.

Second - the struggle for self-affirmation against excessive parental care. It is especially difficult for children when parents communicate with them, mainly in the form of comments, fears, and instructions. The child starts to rise. He responds with stubbornness, actions in defiance. The meaning of such behavior is to defend the right to decide his own affairs, to show that he is a person. It does not matter that his decision is sometimes not very successful, even erroneous. But it is yours, and this is the main thing!

The third reason is the desire for revenge. Children often resent their parents. For example: parents are more attentive to the younger; mother separated from father; stepfather appeared in the house; parents constantly quarrel... There are many isolated reasons: a harsh remark, an unfair punishment. In the depths of his soul, the child is experiencing, and on the surface - protests, disobedience, poor performance at school. The meaning of bad behavior: "You did me bad, let it be bad for you too!"

Fourth reason- loss of faith in one's own success. Having accumulated a bitter experience of failures and criticism in his address, the child loses self-confidence, he develops low self-esteem. He may come to the conclusion: "There is nothing to try, it will still not work out." At the same time, by external behavior, he shows that he "doesn't care", "even if he's bad", "and I'll be bad".

Revealing the true cause of disobedience and bad behavior is quite simple, although the method may seem paradoxical. Parents need to pay attention to own feelings. If a child fights for attention, irritation appears. If the background of persistent disobedience is opposition to the will of the parent, then he has anger. If the hidden reason is revenge, then the parent's reciprocal feeling is resentment. When a child deeply experiences his troubles, the parent falls into the power of feelings of hopelessness, and sometimes despair. What to do next? The general answer to the question is not to react in the usual way, because. formed vicious circle. The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child is convinced that his efforts have reached the goal. And he renews them with new energy. An adult needs to understand what exactly he feels and move to a position of help.

If there is a struggle for attention, you need to give the child positive attention. Come up with some joint activities, games, walks. If the source of conflicts is the struggle for self-affirmation, then, on the contrary, one should reduce one's involvement in the affairs of the child. It is very important for him to accumulate experience of his own decisions and even failures. Most of all, it will help to get rid of excessive pressure and dictatorship by understanding that the stubbornness and self-will of a child is just a form of prayer that irritates you: "Let me live with my mind." If you feel resentment, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child hurt you? What is his own pain? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, it must be corrected. The most difficult situation is for a desperate parent and a child who has lost faith in his abilities. You need to stop demanding "relying" behavior, "reset to zero" your expectations and claims. Surely the child can do something, he has the ability to do something. Find the level of tasks available to him and start moving forward. Organize joint activities with him, he will not be able to get out of the impasse. In this case, the child cannot be criticized! Look for any reason to praise him, celebrate any, even the smallest success. Try to insure it, get rid of major failures. It is necessary to talk to teachers and make them allies. You will see: the very first successes will inspire the child. So, the main efforts should be directed to switching your negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) to constructive actions. What is important to know at the beginning: in the first attempts to improve relationships the child may reinforce their bad behavior! He will not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will check them.

A family is most often a world of complex relationships, traditions and rules hidden from external observation, which, to one degree or another, affect the personality traits of its members, and in the first place, children. Nevertheless, there are a number of objective social factors that, one way or another, affect all families without exception. Among these are:
- rupture of neighborly, and in some cases, family ties;
- the increasing involvement of women in production activities and its double burden - at work and in the family;
- lack of time for upbringing and intra-family communication;
- housing and material difficulties - all this, to one degree or another, causes difficulties in the implementation by the family of its educational functions.

However, for all the significance of the listed factors, they do not play a decisive role in the occurrence of deviations in the development of the child's personality, alienation of parents and children. The greatest danger in this regard is those mistakes of parents in raising children, which, voluntarily or involuntarily, are made by parents in building relationships with their own children, forgetting that these relationships always have an educational character.

When analyzing parental relationship Psychologists single out two psychological dimensions for children: the form of control over the child's behavior and the nature of the emotional attitude towards him.

Violation of the parental attitude towards the child or parental attitudes within the framework of any of these dimensions or simultaneously in both leads to serious defects in the development of the child's personality. So, for example, the lack of proper control over the child's behavior, combined with excessive emotional focus on him, the atmosphere of effeminacy, caress, unprincipled compliance, continuous emphasizing of existing and non-existent virtues forms hysterical character traits. The same consequences arise with an indifferent attitude of the "rejection" type.

Excessive control, presentation of too strict moral requirements, intimidation, suppression of independence, abuse of punishments, including physical ones, lead, on the one hand, to the formation of cruelty in a child, and on the other hand, they can push him to attempt suicide.

The lack of emotional contact, warm attitude towards the child, combined with the lack of proper control and ignorance of children's interests and problems leads to cases of running away from home, vagrancy, during which misconduct is often committed.

There are several relatively autonomous psychological mechanisms through which parents influence their children. Firstly, reinforcement: by encouraging behavior that adults consider correct and punishing for violation of established rules, parents introduce a certain system of norms into the mind of the child, the observance of which gradually becomes a habit and internal need for the child. Secondly, identification: the child imitates parents, focuses on their example, tries to become the same as them. Thirdly, understanding: knowing the inner world of the child and sensitively responding to his problems, parents thereby form his self-awareness and communicative qualities.

The best relationships between parents and children develop when parents adhere to a democratic parenting style. This style is most conducive to the education of independence, activity, initiative and social responsibility. The behavior of the child is directed in this case consistently and at the same time flexibly and rationally:
- the parent always explains the motives of his demands and encourages their discussion with the child (it is especially important to do this in adolescence and senior school age);
- power is used only to the extent necessary;
- both obedience and independence are valued in the child;
- the parent sets the rules and firmly enforces them, but at the same time does not consider himself infallible;
- he listens to the opinions of the child, but does not proceed only from his desires.

Extreme types of attitudes, whether they go in the direction of authoritarianism or liberal all-tolerance, give bad results. The authoritarian style causes in children alienation from their parents, a feeling of insignificance and undesirability in the family. Parental Requirements, if they seem unreasonable, cause either protest and aggression, or habitual apathy and passivity. An inflection in the direction of all-tolerance causes the child to feel that his parents do not care about him. In addition, passive, disinterested parents cannot be imitated and identified, and other influences - school, peers, mass media - often cannot fill this gap, leaving the child without proper guidance and orientation in a complex and changing world. The weakening of the parental principle, as well as its hypertrophy, contributes to the formation of a personality with a weak self.

Research by psychologists on family problems indicates that distorted parental attitudes in the vast majority of cases are not the ultimate cause of anomalies in family upbringing and violations of parent-child relationships. Parental attitudes quite often turn out to be associated with marital relations, with relations to the families of the parents of the spouses - grandparents, with personal characteristics adult family members and children.

As already noted in the previous sections of the work, children can become an arena of adult rivalry, a means of influence or pressure, a method of punishment or revenge. Negative emotions experienced towards other family members, such as a spouse and his parents, can be transferred to children. In addition, parents may not be emotionally or morally prepared to perform parental functions. They may lack parental motivation, a sense of responsibility for raising a child may not be developed, or, on the contrary, hypertrophied; they may experience a lack of respect for themselves and, as a result, they may not feel empowered to control and guide the child's development.

Mistakes of parents in raising children can be due to a number of other reasons. However, this does not exclude, but only confirms how diverse and complex the issues of shaping the personality of a child in a family are, and how important it is to imagine the difficulties that each parent may encounter in order to avoid, if possible, the mistakes that await him in this important matter.

In this regard, it makes sense to dwell separately on the characteristics of typical parenting styles that are most common in dysfunctional families.

The surest way to improve the upbringing of children in the family is to prevent the pedagogical mistakes of parents. And this, in turn, presupposes the awareness and correct interpretation of the most typical of them. Common mistakes in family education can be conditionally divided into three groups:
1) misconceptions of parents about the features of the manifestation of parental feelings ( parental love);
2) insufficient psychological competence of parents about the age development of the child and adequate methods of educational influence;
3) underestimation of the role personal example parents and the unity of the requirements for the child.

The first group of pedagogical errors of parents is misconceptions about the features of the manifestation of parental feelings.

Perhaps the most common situation in many of today's dysfunctional families is the inability and sometimes unwillingness of parents to build their relationships with children on the basis of reasonable love.

Considering the child as personal and private property, such parents can either overprotect him, striving to immediately satisfy any whim, or constantly punish him, testing him with the most cruel means of influence, or by all means avoid studying with him, giving him complete freedom. At the same time, they can sincerely believe that they are doing this solely for his own good, helping him in his life development. Awareness of mistakes can come very late, when it is almost impossible to correct something in the deformed personality of the child.

One of the most common types of improper family upbringing is hyper-custody (excessive guardianship without taking into account the individual characteristics, interests and inclinations of the child himself, or elevating even his minor successes to the rank of outstanding abilities - education like the “family idol”). Hyper-custody is expressed in the desire of parents:
1) surround the child with increased attention;
2) to protect him in everything, even if there is no real need for this;
3) accompany his every step;
4) protect against possible dangers, which are often the fruit of parental imagination;
5) worry for any reason and for no reason;
6) keep children near you, "bind" to your mood and feelings;
7) oblige to act in a certain way.

Protecting children from any difficulties and boring, unpleasant things, indulging their whims and whims, parents, in fact, not only educate them, but serve them. All this can be supplemented by an exaggeration of their abilities and talents, and children grow up in an atmosphere of unbridled praise and admiration. In this way, the desire to be always in sight, to know no refusal, the expectation of a brilliant future is instilled. But when this does not happen, then a crisis is inevitable. Some try to take everything desired by force by any illegal means. Others droop and consider themselves unhappy, deceived, infringed. As a result of prolonged overprotection, the child loses the ability to mobilize his energy in difficult situations, he is waiting for help from adults, and, above all, from parents; the so-called "learned helplessness" develops - a habit, a conditioned reflex reaction to any obstacles as insurmountable. Another sad outcome is also possible. Petty control, the desire of parents to take all the worries and making responsible decisions on themselves can eventually embitter children, and, having matured, they raise a rebellion against oppression and, if they do not achieve indulgence, they can leave their home.

As a rule, excessive guardianship, as an unnatural, increased level of care, is needed, first of all, not so much by children as by the parents themselves, filling their unfulfilled and often acute need for affection and love. According to experts, an important role in this case is played by factors related to the childhood of the parents themselves, and especially mothers (according to studies by psychologists and doctors, mothers are more inclined to take care of children), many of whom themselves grew up in families without warmth and parental love. . Therefore, they are determined to give their children what they themselves have not received, but they “go too far”, which ultimately leads to an overly caring attitude towards the child.

The desire of the mother to “attach” the child to herself is also based on a pronounced feeling of anxiety or anxiety about the state of health of the child, if his birth was accompanied by any complications or in infancy he often suffered from chronic and sometimes life-threatening diseases. In such cases, overprotection during the period of illness is a reasonable measure, and difficulties arise as a result of the fact that it continues after recovery.

Types of relationships with a child

The psychology of the relationship between parents and adult children can take different forms, alas, very far from love:

• excessive care, dictated by the fear of losing a child and avoiding any trouble with his health. Guardianship often breeds a victim child or a rebel,
• total control over children and dictate their will to them. There can be several explanations here: the parents' dramatization of the behavior of their father or mother; the same fear for the life of the child; or someone wants to play overseer or boss with their children,
• complete indifference to children. Such a variant of the psychology of relations between parents and adult children is also possible. What is caused? Severe physical or psychological trauma associated with the birth of a child (for example, a difficult birth, when a woman almost died, and her husband was forced to choose between the life of his wife and child). Or a parent, long before the wedding, had his own life, not sugar - serious illnesses, loss of loved ones, debts, which is why a person at some point, as it were, fences himself off from what is happening, and even the birth of his own children can pass like a fog for him. I had a client who, at the age of 40, came to his senses that he already had two children,
• hatred and anger towards the child. Carefully hidden by the parent or, conversely, open aggression. As a result, closed children who from the first years live in an atmosphere of evil and danger. Yes, they will smile at you, greet you kindly, but any heart-to-heart question immediately causes a defensive reaction in them,
• suppression of the child, constant insults, humiliation and depreciation of his abilities.
• grow a copy of your child - the parent is trying to fulfill his own unfulfilled dreams in the child! Such a psychology of relations between parents and adult children is quite common. Who do we get years later? A disgruntled adult who cannot find his place in life.

Causes of conflicts and their solution

One of the main causes of conflicts in families is personal realization. Often parents try to realize their unfulfilled desires at the expense of their children. Register children for various sections and classes. But the child does not always want this, and on this basis a conflict arises. Sometimes these situations arise even when the children have grown up. Parents impose their opinion, teach children how to live. To avoid conflicts, parents need to understand that even their own children are, first of all, a person who is able to solve their own problems and build their own future. You can help the child, but you don’t need to decide for him what will be best for him.

One more main reason the emergence of conflicts is hyper-custody on the part of parents. Parents should not actively protect their children from all the complexities of the modern world, because in any case, children will have to face them sooner or later. Only then can children be unprepared for this, which will lead to sad consequences.

You should always try to find a compromise with your children, giving them maximum freedom. You should not “break” the child, subordinating him to your will, it is better to talk heart to heart with him more often. And also, it must be remembered that each person has his own path in life, which you will have to go through on your own. Support children in difficult life situations, and then the relationship between children and parents will be full of harmony and mutual understanding.

It is wonderful when love and mutual understanding reign in the family. But the achievement of a family idyll is always the result of properly constructed communication between loved ones. And maintaining this harmonious balance is most difficult when the child reaches adolescence.

Hormonal changes in the body that take place in transition period, greatly affects the psyche and behavior of the child. An obedient child turns into an obstinate and irritable teenager who takes any remarks “with hostility”, argues and snaps, and at the same time takes offense over trifles.

This article is aimed at teenagers and contains tips on how to how to build relationships between parents and children.

Quarrels and conflicts in the family

For each person, the closest and dearest people are his parents. Who, besides your parents, will share with you both joy and misfortune? Parents will help in time in any situation: no matter what stupidity you have done, they will tell you how to fix it, and even your small success will be sincerely happy. Your parents only want the best for you, and if they are strict with you, you should understand that they just want to keep you from making mistakes.

Whatever you may be, whatever shortcomings you may have, your parents love you and are always ready to help you. Disagreements may sometimes arise between you and your parents, you can argue among yourself about some issues, but still you love each other and need support and approval for your actions and words. In this case, not only do you need the support of your parents, but they often need your help. It is very important to communicate more with your parents - this will help you understand each other in all situations and make your relationship much better.

Misdemeanors and punishments

Your parents probably like to talk about what they were like in childhood. At the same time, they tell you about how well they studied, what successes they achieved in sports, how they helped their parents, etc. After another such story from mom and dad, you start to wonder how it happened that such wonderful parents, who were such capable and obedient children, there could be a child like you. After all, judging by the stories of their parents, in their childhood they did not get bad grades at school (which sometimes happens to you), they did not tear their clothes while playing football, as you did in the last physical education lesson, they were never late and, in general, did not commit those offenses for which you are so often scolded.

And the thing is that, as adults, your parents simply forgot that they were the most ordinary children, just like their son, and they wanted to run around the yard, not thinking that they could tear their clothes, stop near each shop windows on the way to school, forgetting that you can be late for the start of classes, etc.

So, the next time your parents start scolding you for some kind of misconduct, ask them if they themselves did something similar in childhood. Perhaps your parents will tell you that they were in a similar situation. Just because your parents may have made the same mistakes as you does not mean that you are not guilty of anything and do not deserve punishment or should not correct what you have done wrong. If your parents remember that in childhood they happened to commit the same misconduct as you, this will help them understand you better, find out why you did it this way and not otherwise.

If your parents can understand the reasons for your behavior, it will be easier for them to help you and suggest how you should correct your mistakes.

As a rule, a misdemeanor is always followed by punishment. Innocent and safe, at first glance, an act can cause the wrath of parents. And if it seems to you that mom and dad are wrong in punishing you for what you did, think carefully about why you were punished. Try to put yourself in the place of your parents, try to look at your act through their eyes - this will help you understand the reasons for the anger of your parents if the punishment seems unfair to you.

Parents are adults and know much more than you, and although they, of course, can be wrong, but if mom and dad punish you for something, then they have reasons for this, they understand that your act was dangerous or ugly . And you should think about what you were wrong about.

Injustice of parents

Even though your parents love you, sometimes they can be unfair to you. Often the injustice of parents is caused, strange as it may sound, by their love for you.

For example, you are going out with your friends and your mother tells you that you must come home at nine o'clock sharp. To all your persuasions and requests to allow you to come at least fifteen minutes later, my mother does not agree. And when you get home and you're ten minutes late, despite being in a hurry and wanting to be on time, your mom scolds you and forbids you to go outside for the next week. Your mother's anger seems unfair to you, and the punishment is simply cruel.

But in order to correctly assess the current situation, think about why your mother demanded that you come at exactly nine, and when you were late, she punished you. If you think carefully, you will understand that your mother asks you to come home from a walk exactly at the set time, because she loves you and worries when you walk on the street, where something might happen to you.

If some actions and words of your parents seem unfair to you, do not be offended by them and do not try to show your resentment by not talking to them or pretending not to hear when they are talking to you. The best remedy fight against the injustice of parents - communication with them. To show your parents that they have treated you unfairly, don't yell at them, don't stamp your feet, and don't cry. You are old enough to try to solve your problems in a different way.

Talk to your parents, tell them everything that you consider unfair and offensive, while not reproaching them, but speaking calmly and politely. After listening to you, your parents will most likely explain why they did this to you and what they do not like about your behavior.

It is very important to choose the right time to talk with parents. If they come home from work tired or if they have some kind of trouble, it is better to postpone the conversation for another day or reschedule it for a couple of hours, waiting for mom and dad to rest. Parents who are tired or upset by troubles may not be ready to listen and carefully consider your claims and requests.

To talk with your parents, choose a moment when they are in good mood and nothing distracts them - neither household chores, nor work, nor a fascinating movie on TV. Otherwise, they will only get angry with you for distracting them from such important matters.

Try to explain to your parents what you don't like about your relationship with them, what their words and actions you consider unfair. And then you have a chance to influence your parents and even correct the situation.

If your parents forbid you to be friends with someone

And again, this problem can only be solved by talking to the parents. If you start making friends with some boy, and your mom and dad won't let you talk to him, try to explain to them why you want to have this person among your friends. Tell your parents what you like about a new friend, why you are interested in him. Introduce your parents to your new friend, and as they get to know him better, perhaps they will change their minds about him. Of course, it's up to you to decide who you want to be friends with, but if your parents are against your new friend, you should listen to their opinion. And if they are unfair to your friend, try to explain to them that they are wrong: he is not so bad, your new Friend.

Your parents care too much about you

Your mom and dad love you and want everything in your life to turn out well and successfully. They're afraid you'll make the same mistakes they did at your age, or you'll make your own. Therefore, parents try to protect you from various dangers that can threaten you everywhere: at school, on the street, at home. They are constantly interested in how you are doing at school, with whom you are friends and play in the yard, they follow what you do at home. And sometimes you really want to become more independent, get rid of the constant guardianship and attention of adults at least for a while!

Try to do something that will allow your parents to treat you with more respect and trust. It may not be difficult at all, for example, go to the grocery store or do the cleaning in your room yourself. The main thing is to let your parents understand that you can do a lot yourself, without constant control and verification on their part. With your actions and deeds, you can show your parents that you have the right to make your own mistakes. But do not forget that you are still a child and many things for you, indeed, are still banned and in many activities you need the help of adults and, first of all, your parents. If you really want to do something that you can’t do yet, don’t refuse the help of your parents.

If your parents quarrel among themselves

Even people who love each other very much can quarrel. If your parents quarreled among themselves, it is better for you not to participate in their quarrel. Of course, seeing how your parents quarrel is very unpleasant, but you should not blame yourself for this or think that your parents stopped loving each other and you.

When your parents calm down, talk to them, explain how you feel about their quarrel, how you would like mom and dad to make up, and tell them that you love them both. When your parents have a fight, don't take your mom's or dad's side. The quarrel of the parents is, first of all, their own business, and they themselves must find a way out of the situation in which your relatives find themselves after the quarrel.

Most importantly, you must remember that, despite the quarrel between your parents, both mom and dad continue to love you as before and you should not change your attitude towards one of them because they quarreled.

And also, you should not look for someone to blame for the fact that the quarrel did occur: they are both to blame. You see, sometimes adults want to throw out emotions at each other, which is why quarrels occur. Always keep in mind that dad and mom will reconcile sooner or later.

Divorce of parents

Unfortunately, sometimes quarrels turn into serious conflict. Mom and dad for some reason do not want to put up, although you really want it. To top it all off, they decide to get a divorce. They no longer want to live together, share joys and sorrows. It is very hard not only for them, but especially for you. If your parents decide to get a divorce, you don't have to worry too much about it.

If your parents changed their attitude towards each other and decided to leave, this does not mean at all that you are losing one of them who will now begin to live in another place, your mom and dad will certainly not stop loving you, and you will be able to communicate with them better. still.

Treat your parents' divorce with understanding. Of course, your life will change now, but in time you will be able to get used to it. Agree, it is better to meet less often with one of the parents than to live with both of them and be a witness to their endless quarrels. And meeting with the parent who will live separately from you, you will be able to share with him all your problems and experiences, counting on his help.

If your mom or dad doesn’t visit you after a divorce, don’t think that it’s your fault and that they don’t want to see you. Give your parents time to figure out themselves and their new life, and in no case consider that your life is ruined. On occasion, tell your parents what you are experiencing with them and want to continue to communicate with both of them. Understand that it is not your fault that they decided to leave, so you should not suffer because of this.

All problems are solved by love

It is difficult to add anything to this statement. If you love your parents, you will be able to forgive them for their mistakes and some unfair punishments that they committed against you. Understand that you will not have anyone closer to them, except, of course,.