Domestic tyrants. Domestic tyrant: recognize and survive

Don't rush to marry him!

Domestic violence (both physical and psychological) and life with a tyrant husband are by no means the lot of marginalized families. The statistics of help centers for people who have experienced violence, and even discussions at conferences at the 7th, indicate that domestic tyrants and their victims - wives and children - are a very common phenomenon. However, this topic is not usually discussed.

How to recognize a domestic tyrant in a man before he becomes one? Of course, he does not knock out with a right hook on the first date: if he started with beatings and rudeness, not a single woman, with the exception of one whose self-esteem is already very low, would not stay with him. As a rule, the future tyrant at the beginning of the story is as polite as a man who is not prone to tyranny: he also gives flowers, makes compliments, sparkles with wit. However, already at this stage, one can often notice signs of impending trouble.

"This dress doesn't suit you!" Male owner

Inna met Andrey at a friend's birthday party. The handsome, broad-shouldered blonde attracted her by talking about a movie she had recently watched with interest; then it turned out that they have many others common interests... When at the end of the party he asked her for a phone, she was not at all surprised.

Inna was going on a date with trepidation, carefully choosing clothes and jewelry in front of the mirror. She flew to the appointed place near the cafe, as if on wings.

When she saw Andrei, her heart began to beat faster; he also saw her and opened his arms to meet her, as if he wanted to hug her. But when Inna came closer, his expression changed, as if he had bitten a lemon. They sat down at a table, the waiter brought the menu...

Inna chose dishes without enthusiasm: her companion was silent and still kept a dejected expression on his face. To the question "What happened?" curtly replied that everything was in order. But Inna saw that something was bothering him! Finally he confessed:

This dress on you is too revealing. You can’t wear this on the street: all the men turned around after you. I don't want my woman to dress like that!

Inna was confused. Mentally, she scolded herself for her bad taste. Of course, it’s unpleasant to hear such words, but it’s your own fault! And Andrei ... It turns out that he cares about her, even jealous! So their relationship has a future...

It was no accident that Inna had an unpleasant feeling: criticism of her clothes is nothing more than trying to control her. Andrei gives himself the right to evaluate her appearance and make a verdict on how she should dress. Control can affect where a woman works, with whom she is friends, whom she looked at in transport - different domestic tyrants have different fads, but their belief that they have the right to determine all aspects of a wife's life is unchanged.

jealous behavior- a dangerous moment. A woman may be flattered that a man is jealous of her, she sees this as proof of his love, but in fact he behaves like an owner.

All women are ... "Womanizers and misogynists

Lyudmila is used to the fact that in any company she attracts men's views: smiling and sociable, from the outside she could seem frivolous. In fact, the philosophy student approached personal relationships very selectively: she wanted to create a strong Orthodox family with a man who would adhere to the same views on life as she did.

And all the time she came across men who offered on the second or third date closer intimacy than she could allow them. “You can’t act like a touchy in our free time!” - they persuaded her, and having received a refusal, they threatened: “I will leave, and you will still regret it!”. Lyudmila did not regret. She was looking for a man, following her clear criteria.

And finally it happened! They met at an Orthodox exhibition-fair: he skillfully discussed the differences between the icons of the Virgin. Lyudmila had something to add on this topic, and a conversation began that turned into an acquaintance.

It soon became clear that Mikhail had a higher education and worked in a bank in the past. But then he was inspired by Orthodoxy and now works for the church. The money is not so small, now to start a family ... But with whom?

He had met women before, but when he got to know them better, it turned out that they were all selfish, cold, unable to take care of their loved ones. They dream of a career, they approve of contraception, which is nothing but the murder of children ... He does not need this! But he had already given up hope of finding something else. Still, the female nature is damaged more than the male, nothing can be done about it ...

“Someone wounded him,” thought Lyudmila. - Some other woman. I hurt with inattention, indifference, dislike ... But I'm not like that!

Indeed, coercion to intimacy - a kind of violence: if a man demands it from a woman as "proof of love", then he is not at all interested in her feelings, and Lyudmila was absolutely right in rejecting those who put pressure on her in this matter.

However, she missed another big wake-up call: misogynistic remarks. Misogyny (from the Greek misos - disgust and gyne - woman) is hatred towards women, misogyny.

If a man speaks unflatteringly about the personal qualities of one particular woman, this does not mean anything. But if he ascribes to them some features on the basis of belonging to female gender, accuses all women of self-interest, frivolity and the like - this is misogyny.

We also note that Mikhail, in justification of his misogyny shuffles the facts in a way that suits him (which is generally characteristic of domestic tyrants): well-educated, he seemed to have forgotten that Orthodoxy considers the Mother of God to be the most perfect person of all who have ever lived.

Another warning sign is when a man comparing you to another woman, all the same, in a positive or negative sense. If your man does this, think about it: why would a person who is in union with you bring into your relationship some third parties that you have the right to not be like (or be like)? Then, that he carries out a simple manipulation: he tries to make you do as he wants.

The constant comparison of the wife with the ideal - a real woman (pop star, ex girlfriend, his mother) or fictional (“Is this what a real Orthodox wife should be?”) - useful for a domestic tyrant also because it allows reduce a woman's self-esteem. Compared to the ideal, a woman always feels herself not slender enough, not homely enough, not forgiving enough, etc. - in a word, she is immersed in the realization of her own insignificance, which is very convenient for tyrants.

"I was tricked". Lies, outbursts of anger and violence in the family of parents

The beginning of the relationship between Dmitry and Natalya was reminiscent of the end of a fairy tale cartoon about the wedding of a prince and princess: the owner of a prosperous company gave exquisite bouquets, made small but expensive surprises, read poetry ... Natalya was flattered: she had never been so looked after!

True, in the midst of compliments, a fan could make a caustic tactless joke about her hobbies, profession, appearance, which made Natalya jarred, but since she laughed with pleasure at his jokes directed at others, these injections seemed to her an excusable shortcoming. “It’s just that he’s used to constantly making jokes. There are such people."

A much more serious incident happened three months after they met. Leaving the restaurant, Natalya and Dmitry ran into Yura, her childhood friend. The men greeted each other… It turned out they knew each other! The next day, Natalya visited Yura, trying to find out more about the one in whom she already saw her future husband.

What was her surprise when Yura said: “I wonder what money he takes you to restaurants for? As far as I know, he liquidated his business about a year ago and still hasn't found a job. But Dimka is like that: he loves to splurge!

When Natalya admitted on the next date that she knew about his financial situation, and asked not to spend money on her, which he already had so little, Dmitry's face was distorted: "Who told you that?" Natalia was so frightened that she just shook her head, but he already guessed: "Yurka?"

Dmitry immediately called him and cursed for about two minutes, spraying saliva and stamping his feet. After that, he hid the phone in his pocket, looked at Natalya huddled in the corner and said with unexpected tenderness: “Forgive me, Natasha! Did I scare you? At such moments, my father wakes up in me, who kept both my mother and me in fear. I fight with him, I fight, but he still gets out ...

You still don't know how I lost my company: they set me up so that if I could, I would have torn these non-humans with my bare hands! You can't imagine what my life was like before I met you. How many times have I been betrayed, acted unfairly! It hurts to remember this ... And I was thinking of making you an offer: you are an amazing, unique woman that I have been looking for all my life. But now you're probably going to leave me?"

Natalya was so moved that she accepted the offer immediately. Everyone has black stripes, but love overcomes everything. Today she saw a sincere, suffering face peek out from under the mask of a mocker... It costs more than all the bouquets and trips to the restaurant!

big lie at the beginning of a relationship alarm symptom, especially in combination with the desire to create a false image for oneself (wealth, familiarity with famous people and so on.).

Origin from family in which violence was accepted increases the likelihood that a man will practice it in his own. Of course, the probability is not one hundred percent, but if he justifies his behavior with a difficult childhood, puts responsibility for his life on others and is in constant resentment against people and hostile circumstances, this is already much worse: in the future, such a position can lead to the statement “It’s your fault that I beat you!”.

And of course, if a man is still at the beginning of a relationship ridicules and scares you outbursts of anger, even if directed at someone else, you should not stay with him.

All of the features listed are not exhaustive. There is a good rule that applies to different occasions: trust your intuition. If something in a man alarms, repels, causes fear, even if you cannot put your impressions into words, leave. Don't get used to it. Relationships are easy to break when they are just started; then it will be much more difficult to leave.

He set up experiments to find out under what unbearable conditions others could survive.
D.E.

At the word "tyrant", many people immediately associate with a dictator who usurped power on a national scale and shed a sea of ​​blood. But there are also tyrants on a smaller scale. They realize their dictatorial habits within a single family, but blood can also spoil a lot. The similarity of a mini-tyrant with a mega-tyrant lies in the fact that both usurp power, to which they have absolutely no right. They get power different ways- someone by force or scandals, and someone "on the sly", slowly and systematically, taking advantage of the inability to resist his self- appropriated power or his wife's desire to maintain "peace at any cost."

There are several varieties of domestic tyrants. Some need unlimited power over family members, others realize their own goals. All varieties of domestic tyrants are complete egoists. Their main goal is to be, if not the center of the universe, then at least the center of their family circle, and the interests of all other family members are not taken into account.

A domestic tyrant is an indisputable authority in his own eyes. And he wants to be perceived as such by all family members. In his statements, he is most often categorical, does not tolerate objections, is extremely proud and categorically cannot stand it when someone encroaches on his authority. Self-love is his sore spot, in this place he is vulnerable, because the tyrant is inherently flawed. All his behavior is aimed at ensuring that other people do not notice his inferiority, and therefore he stops all situations where his pride can be struck.

Family members suffer from the severe nature of the domestic tyrant. And he himself, even being a person who is inferior in a personal sense, does not suffer at all.

There are people who get impudent if they are fed daily.
Emil Krotky

Any person with intact intellectual functions can be persuaded if logically sound arguments are given to him. At least you can convince a normal man (not always a woman). You will never be able to convince a tyrant.

The main quality of such people is the inability to critically evaluate themselves and their behavior. You even hurt yourself on the board, but you will never prove to the tyrant that he is wrong. He himself believes that he is always right, right a priori. Why? Yes, because he does not realize his personal inferiority. A domestic tyrant may have neither education, nor life experience, nor any achievements in the social field, he may be a very narrow-minded and even primitive person, but he himself is confident that he knows everything better than others and everyone MUST do so, as he commanded.

A normal person knows how to persuade, convince, show flexibility, compromise, smooth out sharp corners in order to avoid a quarrel. All these qualities are not characteristic of a domestic tyrant. He is straightforward, like a crowbar, stubborn, like ..., incapable of compromise and rushing ahead when other ways can be found. Sometimes he fills himself with very painful bumps, but this does not teach him anything - the next time he will again break through the closed door.

Under tyranny, it is much easier to act than to think.
Hannah Arendt

From the point of view of psychiatry, many tyrants are characterized by the so-called rigidity (from the Latin "rigiditas" - hardness). Alas, this is not firmness of character, but rather, stubbornness. Rigidity means insufficient mobility of mental processes, impaired switchability of thinking, inertia of attitudes. In a simplified sense, this can be described as stubbornness. A stubborn person is a limited person, and a rigid person is doubly limited. That is, you see that the difficult nature of the domestic tyrant is due to his mental pathology.

Even to be a gray mass, you need to have gray matter!
D.E.

A tyrant can show negative character traits not only in the family, but also in any team. Such people are difficult to communicate with. Some tyrants behave the same way at work. If he occupies a low position, then colleagues can simply dismiss him. And if the tyrant is the boss? One can only sympathize with his subordinates. And being a small pawn, the tyrant behaves inexpressively at work, but at home he will more than win back.

Due to their natural limitations (many also have an inferiority complex), tyrants rarely reach significant social heights. But in the old days, when servility to the leadership was the basis for a party career, such people became bosses of small and medium scale.

Having received new position, the tyrant is filled with complacency. Like all limited people, he is not aware of his limitations and is firmly convinced that his "achievements" are a natural consequence of his "outstanding" merits. Moreover, he knows how to convince the members of his family of this - since he is the boss, it means that he has extraordinary abilities. He considers himself a good leader, although all his "leadership" consists in banging his fist on the table, regular "scraping" subordinates and generously handed out penalties.

Both at home and at work, the tyrant demands unquestioning obedience. The tale about the internal regulations, according to which in paragraph "a" - the boss is always right, and in paragraph "b" - if the boss is wrong, then paragraph "a" automatically comes into effect - invented by ironic subordinates, but is the life credo of a tyrant . Not only at work, but also at home. At home, he is also the boss, because he is "always right."

Who slowly comes to common truths, quickly turns gray.
V. Georgiev

There is a wise position: if you cannot change the situation, change your attitude towards it. So we will try to change the attitude to the situation with the help of irony and self-irony.

• For a happy marriage, you need to have a lot of courage.
• There is a deep meaning in this life, we just don't see it.
• "If not for my husband, we would be the perfect couple!"
• I wonder what women found in men before money was invented?
• The husband is all that is left of the beloved.
• He got sick of it, she also got fed up, and they became just friends.
• Marriage is the privatization of a woman.
• Love comes and goes, but husbands stay.
• When choosing a life partner, do not overdo it.
• Does the magical power of the magician depend on the size of his magic wand? ..
• Women are looking for a strong man, but for some reason they find a weak one.
• When you understand, you can even forgive yourself.
• To marry a handsome, intelligent, caring and rich man, you have to marry four times.
• The secret dream of the wife of a domestic tyrant is to remain an inconsolable widow.
• If you really want big and clean - wash the supermarket window.
• It's easy to express sympathy because it's noncommittal.
• The most best woman- the one that drinks, gives and flourishes.
• A smart wife will even make a man out of her husband.
• Forgive him one sin, and he will sin three times.
• In a difficult moment, a woman can behave like a real man, and a man - like a real woman.
• Self-sacrifice - a rope around the neck of the one to whom the sacrifice is made.
• The long search ended, the short fights began.
• Wealth goes to every woman.
• Only those who are good at it are confident in themselves.
• Do not do good to people - then you will not get off.
• When clarifying the relationship, the dots over the "i" often become just a dot.
• - Is it your wife?
  - No, I'm married to her.
• She was spoiled ... by her husband's inattention.
• It is better to be the master of your generosity than the slave of your own shortcomings.
• She is characterized by constancy in habits - for twenty years she has been complaining about her husband.
• The biggest mistake is to learn from your own mistakes.
• Before knowing the world, it would not hurt to know yourself.
• A scoundrel can see his true face only in a crooked mirror.
• Is it easy for a woman with her husband around her neck?..
• With whom you sleep, from that you will fly.
• Dispelling the myth of male superiority is very simple. You just need to change the gasket in the water tap, while managing to not drink 6 bottles of beer, do not grumble, do not swear and do not run to the plumbing store for spare parts.
• The way to a man's heart is not through his stomach, but through the ability to entertain his vanity.
• The best husband is a soldier. He can do laundry, darn, sew on buttons, peel potatoes and mop the floor. And most importantly - he used to obey!
• Logic is male and female. Male is subdivided into dialectical, mathematical and formal. Women's logic is not subdivided into anything.
• By making a promise, a woman wants to get rid of the importunity of a man; not fulfilling his promise - from the man himself.
• It's better to be sold sometimes than forever.
• King Solomon was the most wise man because he had many wives and he consulted with all of them.
• "My husband is not an angel, but not a man either."

HUSBAND - "BRUZGA"

Discontent is the pregnancy of the mind.
V. Doroshevich

"Bruzga" always grumbles and grumbles, always dissatisfied with something, and most often dissatisfied with everything in the world and, first of all, with his half. He's always nagging and blaming. Whatever you do, it's not right. It is not clear what he wants and what he needs at all. Perhaps he himself does not know this.

Usually a "grouche" is unrestrained in his language, can offend or even offend - not only in the heat of a quarrel, but when he is not in a good mood or is dissatisfied with something. He doesn’t like everything: his wife is a bad housewife, she cooks tastelessly (“I would have learned from my mother!”), A mess at home, there is always not enough money, she brings up children poorly, etc., etc.

“My husband constantly grumbles,” complained 33-year-old Zoya. “You will never please him. tight skirt And now he's not happy with everything."

Zoya is married for the second time. Her first husband drank, beat her, and she left him with a four-year-old child. After the divorce, she had a room in a huge, run-down communal apartment. The conditions are so-so, but Zoya believed that sooner or later she would find a suitable life partner.

Like many women who are burdened by their loneliness, Zoya was ready to marry anyone, as long as he did not drink, did not beat. This "any" was soon found.

Soon after the wedding, her husband began to find fault with her with or without reason. What annoyed him the most was her appearance.

Peter is 7 years older than Zoya, outwardly - nothing special, short stature, frail build, with an early bald head and displeasedly pursed, like old maid, lips. Zoya is a petite blonde, she looks much younger than her years, she is used to wearing short skirts, jeans and tight-fitting sweaters, but this categorically did not suit her husband. Either he was offended that his wife was young and attractive, or Peter masked his jealousy with nit-picking - in general, he forced her to wear what suited him, but not her.

Zoya changed her youth style to long skirts, hiding the bust under the hooded jackets, took her long hair into an old woman's bun, but her husband invariably found flaws in her appearance. And not only appearance - he did not like everything about his wife. What kind of Galatea he intended to sculpt - only the sculptor himself knows - but Peter sculpted with an obsession worthy of better use. And as a sculptor's chisel, he chose criticism, being convinced that his reproaches would help his wife "correct."

Sarah, you completely neglected to take care of yourself! The fagots are already paying attention to you!
NN

She preferred to remain silent - Zoya does not like to scandal, and she did not and did not want to arrange a typical quarrel in the presence of her neighbors. She realized that her husband was simply taking out evil on her, because he was dissatisfied with his life, but, like many Russian women, she was looking for excuses for him.

Zoya came up with this version: her husband is not satisfied with their living conditions. The three of them lived in a 12-meter room, a hotel-type apartment, there are a dozen more rooms, the kitchen and bathroom are incredibly neglected, the corridor is dirty, littered with all sorts of junk, from their room they had to go along a dark corridor, squeezing past someone's shabby prehistoric cabinets, stumbling over some boxes, broken chairs, bicycles and other remnants of someone else's life. In their room, the furnishings are very modest and cramped - a matrimonial bed, a son's sofa, his desk and shelves with books, a refrigerator, a wardrobe - in general, you can't turn around.

True, Peter was by no means one of the hereditary nobles and also ate not with silver forks, but it was easier for Zoya to justify her husband's bad character by external circumstances.

He did not immediately get along with his stepson. The boy annoyed him, Peter grumbled that he was too noisy and disobedient, reproached Zoya that she had completely spoiled her son, indulged him in everything, although he was the most an ordinary child, with all the qualities due to his age. For her own consolation, Zoya came up with another legend - her husband is like that because they have no common children. The stepson is a stranger to him, so he finds fault with him, and if they had a child, the husband would become different. But they can't afford another child.

Zoya is also unable to live like this. “I became like an old woman, both in soul and outwardly,” she cried in my office. “I always wanted to please my husband, but you can’t please him. Before, I really wanted to get married, but now I think that it was better to live together with my son, than with such a husband. He completely muzzled his son. At first I stood up for my son, then I see that it doesn’t help, I decided not to interfere. And now I’m ashamed that I allowed own child. The main thing is that the husband does not raise his voice, does not swear, but says such offensive words as if he stings. It would be better if he scolded him once and left behind, but every day he, like a wasp, is looking for where to sting more painfully.

I am very concerned about the issues of reincarnation. Suddenly in a new life I will turn into a dog, and my husband into a flea? ..
NN

Some statements of the "grouch" may be quite reasonable, but there are too many of them, moreover, the form in which he fits his claims is offensive to a self-respecting woman.

Marina's husband's Punktik is an electric kettle. This, of course, is not the only reason to grumble, but for some reason it was the teapot that Valentine chose as weighty evidence of Marina's carelessness and her complete failure as a wife and mistress.

IN Lately she became absent-minded (her husband’s reproaches are not without foundation), because she always has a lot of things to do, her head is always clogged with worries and thoughts about unfinished business, about who you need to meet tomorrow, who to call tonight - that is, speaking psychiatric language, a typical unfinished action syndrome (now there is a new concept of "manager syndrome", which is essentially the same, because not only managers and others suffer from this business people, but also many others). In addition, in the evening in their apartment the phone constantly rings.

Marina loves coffee, drinks it a lot and often. To cook it in a Turk, to stand at the stove, to watch so that the coffee does not escape, she does not have time, so she uses instant. As soon as Marina is about to drink another cup of coffee with feeling, and for this purpose she turns on the electric kettle, the phone rings. Or the phone is silent, and Marina remembers some business that needs to be done quickly. Or she herself needs to call, and she intends to combine this with coffee drinking, and in the process of conversation she forgets about both coffee and the kettle on. Or she has no time to wait for the kettle to boil, and she goes into the room to do something during this time. Having finished, she turns on the kettle again, then, in order not to wait, she leaves - and the whole circle repeats. And so repeatedly.

The thing is, in general, as they say, "not worth a damn". They don't need to save on electricity. Take care of the kettle too - they have a second one, and if they want, they can afford to buy a few more. Fire, melting of the kettle and other troubles also do not threaten - the electric kettle turns off automatically. However, the husband will not fail to grumble when Marina once again leaves the kettle on and forgets about it. It would be nice if he gently scolded her: "Again, you, dear little wife, forgot about the kettle," and even better - seeing that she was busy, showed concern and brought her coffee. But no - Valentine each time started the old record for half an hour, recalling to his wife all her sins over all the years of marriage (this is again the little things of life and his nit-picking), then with a feeling of deep satisfaction he concluded that she was a worthless mistress and wife. Moreover, Valentine did not use the expressions that I gave here, although they are offensive and unfair. He practiced such words and phrases as "stupid", "what a fool you are!", "well, how can you be so stupid!" - etc.

Annoyance is a malice that is afraid to show itself, it is a powerless rage that feels its powerlessness.
Henri Amiel

Marina, in general, is a rather reserved and good-natured person. Or rather, it used to be. At first, she laughed it off: “Well, I’m like that, what can you do! That’s how unlucky you are in life. But it didn't help. The spouse certainly needed to put the last point.

But even Marinino's patience is not unlimited. Despite the fact that she is a successful business lady, she earns well, is respected and has a reputation as a high-class professional. So the words "stupid", "fool", "stupid" and others from the same arsenal do not fit her in any way. And any woman, even if she does not have enough stars from the sky, would be offended.

If a woman is dumber than a man, he is hardly smarter than her.
D.E.

And Valentin cannot boast of the same achievements as his wife - he is an ordinary official in the ministry. No money, no honors, no reputation. One naked bureaucracy.

Realizing that her tactics - not to pay attention to her husband's grumbling - were ineffective, Marina began to snap. It is not in her nature to insult and glue unfair labels, but she began to answer her husband in a harsher manner than before. But even this did not penetrate him - it turned out just a banal swara. After that, the angry spouses dispersed to their rooms, and then did not talk for weeks.

The icy relationship of the spouses heated up to the limit.
D.E.

The notorious electric kettle, of course, was not the only reason for Valentine's grumbling. There were others, usually in the household sector.

Far from every businesswoman is an exemplary housewife. Even if she has such a desire, there is no time. And strength. And most often there is no desire - new women consider household chores a waste of time and effort. By the way, Marina has the opportunity to invite the housekeeper, but Valentin is categorically against it. He motivated this by unwillingness to endure the presence of an outside woman. But in fact - he did not want to deprive himself of the pleasure of grumbling and reproaching his wife.

In general, things went so far that Marina became nervous and irritable. Family scenes do not contribute to either a cloudless mood, or optimism, or labor achievements. The depressed mood began to affect her work. Marina quickly got tired, became even more absent-minded, inattentive, made several mistakes at work, reproached herself for them, fell asleep badly. As a result, she contacted me. The listed symptoms indicate neurasthenia (other names are asthenic neurosis, chronic fatigue syndrome). We started the course of treatment.

At the heart of any neurosis is a strong, but short-term mental trauma or a long-term traumatic situation. My patient has a second reason. Neurosis cannot be completely cured as long as there is a traumatic situation. Therefore, psychiatrists, along with treatment, help patients solve their problems. Elimination of a traumatic situation sometimes leads to a cure much faster than medication and psychotherapeutic effects.

I explained to Marina the reasons for this behavior of her husband. "So, doctor, is he incorrigible?" she asked. “You can try to fight him, but it will take time and patience,” I said. “But I don’t have time for this,” my patient answered. “And strength too. I can’t cope with work anymore. It turned out to be a vicious circle: I have stress at work, because I’m not the same as I used to be, I’m ashamed, that I have lost my former vigor, and at home it is a real nightmare. Neither there nor there is a quiet life. " "Then let's treat your husband," I suggested and asked Marina to bring him.

Then she disappeared from my field of vision for a while - apparently, she did not have time to come. Her husband did not come either.

Marina came three months later. Cheerful, lively. "Doctor, I'm cured!" she said happily from the doorway.

It turned out that she tried for a long time to persuade her husband to come for a consultation, but in response she heard: "You need to be treated by a psychiatrist, but I'm normal." Valentine did not leave his cavils, little has changed in their family life.

In the end, Marina could not stand it. During a quarrel (and again because of the ill-fated teapot), she threw it through the window and yelled: "Damn you with that damned teapot!" - and literally pushed her husband out of the apartment in what he was wearing - slippers, old jeans and a shirt. Even in anger weak woman immeasurable forces appear.

Finding himself in front of a slammed door, Valentin stomped around in confusion for a while, then began to call. Marina did not react to the doorbell's trill, but her husband did not leave, continuing to press the bell button. Finally, Marina opened the door and said with a mocking smile: “Well, what else is unclear to you? I said: get out with your kettle. It lies under the window. Take it before someone grabs it. "You'll get your things tomorrow. Send someone for them. I don't want to see you anymore and I won't open the door for you."

Valentine had to go to his parents. How he solved the problem, what to wear to work the next day (before that he wore a suit and a light-colored shirt with a tie) - these are his problems. Cowardly Valentine (and all the men from the "grouche" category are weak in personality; having met a strong opponent, they give in) did not dare to come himself and sent his parents. Marina did not listen to her mother-in-law's lamentations. “You raised him like that, now babysit him yourself, and that’s enough for me,” she stopped her reproaches. The father-in-law did not interfere in the women's conversation. Silently, he took the bags and suitcases prepared by Marina and carried them to the car. As soon as all the things were taken out, Marina dryly threw her father-in-law and mother-in-law: "Goodbye," and closed the door.

“Well, doctor, you don’t need to treat anyone,” Marina said. “You can’t even imagine how relieved I felt when I got rid of Valentine. Only now I realized how much he influenced me. I have now become a different person the same as it was before."

She took her son - two recent years he lived in a suburban boarding school, because Marina did not want her son to witness the constant clashes of his parents. Yes, and Valentine constantly found fault with him. Therefore, Marina decided that far from her father, her son would be calmer. It was just time for the school holidays. She went with her son to Italy, had a good rest. And most importantly, she realized how much she missed her son, how much she deprived him of, trying to follow her husband's lead.

Deciding that "a dog's tail is not cut in pieces," upon arrival, Marina quickly filed for a divorce. She did not want to share the apartment and paid her husband a certain amount for the "meters" of living space due to him in court. From pure harm, Marina deducted from this amount the alimony that the husband would have to pay until the son comes of age. Money, as you know, is not superfluous, but that's not the point. She did not want to receive monthly alimony - she decided to break with her husband completely and, in fact, never see him again. Whether the son will see his father - she left it to his discretion. He is 13 years old, and he can solve this issue himself. But the son does not want to communicate with his father - he also spoiled his blood in order.

By and large, there is usually no reason for the constant grumbling of "grouche". More precisely, there are reasons, but they lie in a different plane and lie in the features of his personality.

Tyranny in the form of constant grumbling, petty nitpicking of one's half or all family members from the point of view of psychiatry is an indirect verbal aggression that serves as a manifestation of dissatisfaction.

The verbally aggressive husband tries to explain his dissatisfaction with the fact that the wife is behaving "not so" and shifts the blame to his half, although she may not be to blame for anything. However, the reason is not in her, but in himself: at the heart of the feeling of dissatisfaction lies unconscious self-doubt.

If a husband is constantly looking for flaws in his wife, then another will find her virtues.
D.E.

What to do if your husband is a "grouche", but due to some circumstances you cannot (or do not want to) break your union? The surest way is to open his eyes to the background of his behavior.

"Bruzga" is most often a loser. Maybe not very obvious to you, but he himself once fancied himself a man capable of much. But nothing in life has achieved or achieved what he aspired to. He will not tell you this, because he values ​​\u200b\u200bhis reputation very much and wants to maintain the appearance that he is a man.

If he doesn't "get" you too much with his grumbling, you can spare his pride and tell him about the reason for his dissatisfaction in a mild form. You don't need to criticize him. Say that you understand why he is unhappy with his life, and offer your help in solving his problems, or at least moral support to give him self-confidence.

The best reproach is the unspoken one.
D.E.

But if your "grouch" has already gone far in his unreasonable nit-picking, does not skimp on offensive epithets, humiliating your human dignity, then you cannot be silent and tolerate this state of affairs.

HUSBAND-"CRITICAN"

Criticism can kill us. We can't kill criticism, so it's best to forget about it.
Ramon Gomez de la Serna

This domestic tyrant constantly criticizes his wife, family members and blames them for everything. No matter what happens, others are to blame. He himself - never.

For example, your spouse has a headache, and it is you who are to blame. Why didn’t they open the window in time and ventilate the room? Or vice versa - why did they open the window, because he has a migraine from the cold. And if you ventilated before he arrived and closed it in time, then he got a headache from the fact that you talk too much, although at that moment you were in the kitchen and were preparing dinner. Or the kids are too noisy. Or you turned on the radio too loudly in the kitchen, and he can hear it through the entire corridor.

Irritation is the weapon of the stupid in the system of influencing people.
D.E.

If he is driving a car and drove the wrong way, you are again to blame. Why didn’t you pay attention to the signs and didn’t tell in time where you had to turn? But if you, taught by past experience, take on the duties of a navigator and warn in advance: “At the intersection you need to go to the left under the arrow, change lanes to the left,” your spouse will snap: “Why are you always climbing! I know how to drive!". In the end, he will turn in the wrong place, and again you will be to blame: "You got me with your chatter! She distracts me, so I missed the turn."

Only a goat is not sad that her husband is a goat.
D.E.

Before leaving on vacation, your spouse may rush home half an hour before the train leaves, and bring down a hail of reproaches on you: "I was late because of you!" It turns out that you once wanted to buy something, and he remembered it today, which is why he was late. True, he did not buy what he intended (in fact, he did not even try), but you are again to blame for this - you did not remind me in time what time the train leaves (although you reminded me of this twenty times). And if you miss the train (plane), then so many reproaches will fall on your poor head! You are careless, disorganized, do not know how to plan your time, you are always and everywhere late, etc., etc.

In any quarrel, you and only you are always to blame. You have an unbearable character, you always have two spouses for every word, you don’t know how to keep silent and please, and in general you are a brawler. And he, of course, has an angelic character.

Men do not spare caustic words when they talk about their wife. If they are so smart, why are they getting married?!
D.E.

Such tactics can become a persistent stereotype of behavior. In addition to petty reproaches, some men also use more global accusations. It did not take place in socially and the wife is to blame. "Evidence" is usually given very controversial, and even ridiculous.

For example, his wife "married" him to herself, so instead of reaching unprecedented professional and career heights, he was forced to take care of his daily bread. Or they had a child too early, and this distracted him from school or work. Or his wife bugged him with unfounded claims, and he could not grow above himself. Or he lost his job because his wife gave him the wrong advice. Or vice versa, he works at a job that does not suit him, because his wife demands that he bring a salary. Or he drinks because his wife constantly quarrels with him. Rearranging cause and effect is generally typical for "critics".

Anger is the boiling of the blood in the heart of one who longs for satisfaction by inflicting pain on another.
David Anhacht

Having finally found the “culprit” of all troubles, he concludes: “You broke my life! If I hadn’t married you, I would have become ...” - and then the way a man sees himself in his dreams is given. The fact that he would hardly realize his fantasies, because he does not have the ability for this, does not occur to him.

Giving their "arguments", some men are not shy in expressions, use offensive characteristics and can hurt a girlfriend of life.

When a spouse repeats day after day that she is to blame for everything, that her wife is worthless, interferes with him, does everything to harm him, some women themselves begin to believe in it. "Maybe I really am so worthless? .." A guilt complex is formed.

My patient Tatyana has a depressive neurosis, to which her husband Gennady and his mother brought her. The four of them live in an apartment: mother-in-law, Tanya, her husband and their 4-year-old son. In the duet of mother and son, Gena was the lead singer, and the mother-in-law was the lead singer. Together, they together baled the poor woman, convincing her that she was worthless, stupid, clumsy, a bungler, a spender. If there was not enough money by the end of the month, Tatyana is to blame, although it was her husband who demanded that she cook what he loves and buy him delicacies. The son fell ill - the wife is again to blame, because she feeds the child with the wrong things, walks with him a little, it was she who sent the child to a kindergarten, where he contracted SARS. The fact that they cannot live without her salary is not taken into account. As well as the fact that the retired mother-in-law flatly refused to sit with her grandson, they say, he is poorly educated, does not obey anyone, and she, with her health, cannot cope with him.

Tanya gets up two hours earlier than everyone else, cooks breakfast for four, irons her husband's suit and shirt, cleans his shoes (he's neat!), and he likes to sleep. Jumps up twenty minutes before leaving, and even then after repeated reminders from his wife that it's time to get up. But if he was late for work, the wife was again to blame: the scrambled eggs were so dry that breakfast took longer than usual. Or the son took too long to wash, and Tatyana had to wake the child up early so that he would free the bathroom for his father.

Tatyana began to think seriously - maybe she really is so stupid that her husband is constantly dissatisfied with her? She was tormented by guilt, was constantly depressed, began to sleep badly, often cried, lost her appetite, lost weight, everything fell out of her hands at work. And she didn't want to live. If it weren't for her son... I endured such abuse only for the sake of my son.

Tanya hid from her mother how hard life was for her, and she was at a loss to guess why her daughter was wasting before her eyes. Finally, her mother brought her to me. I convinced my patient to tell everything to her mother, and she took her daughter and grandson to her that same evening. She has a small one-room apartment, but Tanya lives there much better than in her mother-in-law's three-room apartment.

Even after the divorce, the husband did not immediately fall behind. He came and demanded to explain why she left, and each time made a scandal. I advised Tanya not to quarrel with him and forbid him to come. Then the husband switched to his son - he came to kindergarten, took him to his home and kept saying what a bad mother he had, she was evil, cruel, did not love anyone, including her son. Coming for her son, Tanya found him in tears. Tatyana's mother intervened and threatened that if Tanya's husband did not stop terrorizing the child, they would go to court to deprive him of parental rights.

There is another divorce proceedings, the tenth for today. But the people's court works cheerfully, with a twinkle...
NN

The tendency to criticize and blame others for everything is characteristic of people with an inferiority complex. The ambitions are high, but completely unfounded and clearly do not correspond to the real abilities, opportunities and social achievements of a person. A person has not achieved anything in life, but does not want to admit that the reason is in himself, and blames anyone for his failures, but not himself.

The man sits in the winter in the toilet. Well, he sits, he sits, and suddenly he yells:
- That wife is a fool! Made two pants to wear!
Joke

Such a stereotype of behavior may also be due to the shortcomings of education. It is quite possible that your spouse has seen this scenario since childhood - parents (or one of them) constantly criticized and blamed each other, fate, "ill-wishers" or "treacherous colleagues" for failures. Of course, not every person is always able to admit his mistakes and see the reason in himself, and yet the constant desire to shift the blame on others is not normal.

If you are married to a "critic", then you can try to secure your psyche.

The most deadly thing for people with complexes is to open their eyes to the reason for their behavior. If your spouse in his accusations is limited to petty reproaches and does not do it so often, then once or twice you can bark at him, but not abstractly: "You're a fool!" blame the mirror ... ". Warn in the most categorical manner that if this happens again, the husband will hear from you a complete analysis of his far from outstanding personality.

A well-informed man is one to whom his wife has just told everything she thinks of him.
Ray Fine

Like all men from the category of tyrants, the sore spot of "critics" is self-esteem. Having received a painful blow to pride, your faithful, it is quite possible that he will continue to be careful. But if this does not help, then you need to arrange a detailed debriefing. Depending on what your husband represents personally and socially, analyze everything in advance, prepare arguments and, having heard another accusation from him, lay out to him a full layout with justification, which was the reason for such unworthy behavior.

Strong men do not blame women for their failures - they cope with their problems on their own. And smart men generally prefer not to devote their life girlfriend to their problems, quite rightly believing that these are his affairs, and they need to be solved, and not complained. Looking for someone to blame is for the weak. That's what you can say to your life partner. Chances are he won't agree with you. But at least think about it.

The companion of life turned out to be artificial.
D.E.

But if your "critic" is incorrigible, then you have two ways to solve the problem: insist on going to a psychiatrist - a professional will explain to him the background of his behavior and give him recommendations on how to overcome the problem - or leave to protect your own psyche.

True, there is a third option: not to pay attention to the husband's unfounded reproaches, realizing what lies at the basis of his behavior. But this is the most unpromising path, and the situation will only worsen further - your "critic" will believe that you are the cause of all his misfortunes, and therefore you are an unsuitable life partner.

"HE IS SURE THAT IS ALWAYS RIGHT"

If everyone has their own truth, then where to get one truth for everyone?
V. Georgiev

There is a category of husbands who are firmly convinced that they are always right in everything. Such a person expresses the most banal judgments with a smart look and claims to be a mentor, although he has nothing to be proud of at all. His statements are categorical, the tone is mentoring. He considers himself very smart and infallible and therefore considers it his duty to teach everyone who is not lucky enough to be with him. He loves to read long, tedious notations, and sometimes his wife wants to grab him with something heavy on the head, if only the missus would be silent.

I really want to throw something at the invulnerable.
D.E.

Let's call this category of domestic tyrants "infallible." In many ways, the "infallible" is similar to the "grouch", but much more assertive than him, and in general more aggressive - not physically, but verbally. "Grubber" grumbles, but you can simply dismiss his grumbling, you can not listen to him or simply not take into account what he says, writing off everything on his unbearable character. As a radical measure, the "grouch" can be "cured" by telling him what underlies his stereotype of relationships. And to get rid of the "infallible" is impossible. Convince him too. "Bruzga" most often clings to trifles, and "infallible" builds a whole system.

Husband: "You're lost in your excuses."
D.E.

If you evaluate his statements in terms of their real usefulness and content, then it's time to burst out laughing. Because the "infallible" is often ridiculous when, puffing up from the realization of the significance of what was said, he utters common truths, and even completely delusional constructions. But you are not at all funny, because the "infallible", having fallen on your psyche, can seriously shake your peace of mind.

Husband:
And don't you dare argue with me!
Wife:
- Honey, I don't mind. I am silent.
"Then get your opinion out of your face!"
Joke

Irina has been married for five years, but she believes that her family life is worse than hard labor. At first, her husband's tyranny was not so noticeable. He is older than her by three years, but behaved as if he was suitable for her father. His tyranny was veiled as a concern for her interests. “Listen to him - I don’t understand anything in life, but he knows everything and can do it better than me. My mother is delighted with him, says that Seryozha is a real man, a caring husband and father. And the further, the more it seems to me petty care, not care."

Sergey meticulously climbs into all the affairs of his wife. When she was still a student of the faculty of journalism, he asked her every evening about how the day went, who she saw and what she said, how she behaved in class, what her academic progress was. Ira then believed that a loving hubby wanted to know everything about his beloved wife, and this was even flattering to her. Then it began to tire her, and she called his questions to herself "interrogations." And in fact, her husband asked her about all the little things, including her chatter with classmates. “I got the impression that he wants to be aware of everything,” Irina said. “Either he is afraid that something will slip away from his attention, or he wants to control me ...”

His questions were interspersed with advice on how a wife should act in a given situation, how to behave with people. "But how do you know about everything ?! - Irina was indignant. - This is my business." “You can’t have your own affairs. You and I are one,” the husband said in a moralizing tone. It seemed reasonable to Ira, and she agreed.

Then Sergey began to give her advice on an ever wider range of issues that clearly went beyond the level of his competence. Sergey is an engineer by education, Irina is an international journalist. What can a techie advise a humanist? Sergey has read nothing but cool action movies, he only knows about the profession of a journalist that they are all "corrupt bitches". Nevertheless, he intelligently interfered in his wife's professional affairs, took part in discussions on the topics of literature, politics, and philosophy. And more than once got into a mess. Once, having heard the name of Berdyaev in the company of Irina's colleagues, he told a joke about a Jew from Berdishchevo. Her colleagues looked at each other, hiding a grin, and she, by her own admission, was ready to fall through the ground with shame. "Can you shut up when people talk about topics that you, dense, are not available ?!" - more than once angrily reprimanded her husband. But - without success.

Irina herself could not explain why she lived with him for five years. In her youth, she could not really appreciate the character of her husband, but as she got older, she already managed to see a lot. But, like many women, she mistakenly believed that her husband could change if he was told that he was wrong, that he could be persuaded.

Had she been weaker in character, over time she would have become a puppet in the hands of her husband - a stupid man, but unaware of his limitations. But Irina is not only superior to him in terms of her intellectual potential, but also a strong personality. She saw that her husband was a narrow-minded person, and in general, unreliable, but it seemed to her that such qualities were not a reason for divorce.

She came to me for advice. "Can it be fixed, doctor?" she asked. When she found out that it was impossible, she breathed a sigh of visible relief. “I myself understood this, but I still deceived myself. Sometimes I came up with excuses for him and forced myself to believe that his constant interference in my life was caused by taking care of me. My mother still insists that Seryozha is caring and good husband. If she knew..."

The wife returns home, loaded with bags of groceries.
- It's time to end this, wifey. A woman should not carry such burdens.
- And what do you advise?
- It's better to go twice.
Joke

If one of the family members tries to rebel, then the "infallible" will violently scandalize. Awareness of his power, even if only over close people, he needs like air. If this power is questioned by someone, the domestic tyrant becomes nervous, angry and vents evil on family members. Therefore, many women, tired of the ongoing war, resign themselves - to argue with the "infallible" is more expensive for themselves. And that's all he needs.

"Infallible" harasses family members with statements about his significance and huge role in their lives. Keynote: "What would you do without me?!" His poor wife thinks to herself: “We would live in peace,” but she is afraid to say it out loud - this will cause a storm of indignation, a stream of accusations of “black ingratitude” and end in a grandiose scandal.

Husband reprimands his wife:
- While I was talking, you yawned seven times!
I was trying to put in a word...
Joke

The hardest thing is for the children of the "infallible". The wife has the opportunity to somehow escape from his teachings (some women eventually learn not to hear their husband, having come up with their own self-hypnosis formula, thinking about their own or singing), at worst - by inserting cotton swabs into their ears. And poor children do not have the opportunity to escape from their father's lectures. At any, even the wrong time, he will stand over their souls, harassing them with reminders of how wonderful he was as a child, setting himself as an example and teaching what they should do to become the same as their wonderful father, and others " valuable hints."

It is not easy even for adult children of the infallible to get rid of his constant interference in their lives, and especially if they depend on him financially (for example, they study at the institute and have no means of subsistence). The issuance of pocket money, no matter how miserable the amount, is invariably accompanied by reminders of the need to be frugal, any purchase is accompanied by appropriate moralizing.

Listening to him, you imagined a river: quiet and small at the beginning and huge and noisy at the end.
D. Solovyov

The same is true for his wife, even if his contribution to the family budget leaves much to be desired. The "infallible" will not fail to take the opportunity to remind how much and what it costs, what hard labor he earns a living for his family, and to reproach his family for ingratitude. “I work day and night to feed you!” he declares with pathos (even if he works as a locksmith in the housing office), and you won’t even hear “thank you” from you. A normal wife appreciates her husband, and you?!!!" Your timid reminders that his very low earnings do not allow him to purchase even the most necessary things will only lead to another scandal.

He loves to scandal and will fight to the death, so that the last word will certainly remain with him, stubbornly seeking you to admit that he was right.

One can only sympathize with a woman who is unlucky enough to be the wife of the "infallible". It is very difficult to get rid of him.

He values ​​himself so highly that he insured for a million dollars, and now his wife looks at him with such eyes! ..
D.E.

If you try to escape to the kitchen, turning on the water and all the kitchen units at the same time (for a noise barrier) and pretending to be very passionate about cooking, or turn on the vacuum cleaner (TV, radio, tape recorder at full volume), just so as not to hear his tired teachings, - you will not be able to escape from it. Overlapping the noise, "infallible" will follow you throughout the apartment, trying by all means to convey to your backward consciousness his deep meaningful maxims, which he considers them to be. Along the way, so that you don’t think too much of yourself, and as a punishment for not listening to him with reverence, the “infallible” instructive tone will reprimand that you should not burn electricity and pour water in vain, and potatoes should be peeled so that the peel was translucent to the light - and similar "wise" thoughts. Objections like: “I myself know all this very well”, “You have already told me all this a hundred times” or “Peel the potatoes yourself and let them shine in your light!” are useless. Moreover, any of your words will give him rich food for new teachings.

He is always right, but, unfortunately, not on time.
D.E.

As a result, the "meaningful conversation" will end with a thoughtful conclusion that you are a useless hostess, a stupid, limited, stubborn woman, moreover, a desperate debater (!!!) and in general are burdened with a bunch of impossible shortcomings, and you need to immediately correct. Of course, under his strict guidance. Because only he knows what a good wife should be like and how to "re-educate" you. The "bore" sticks his nose in everywhere because he wants to be useful, in the grumbling of the "grouch" dissatisfaction and unconscious dissatisfaction with himself is manifested, and the "infallible" needs to feel like a mentor, rise, "proving" to everyone his own superiority by belittling other people.

"I have a snake wife," he complained. "And who are you?" "Python".
D.E.

Whatever you do, the "infallible" will certainly find omissions. You bring up children "wrongly" - that's why they are so naughty, spoiled, "worthless". And his own participation in the educational process is reduced to mentoring notations and orders. If you try to protect your children from the pressure of the father, then you are worse off. From now on, everything that happens to the children is your fault. Whatever happens, the "infallible" states with a feeling of deep satisfaction: "I warned you!" Although he himself did not lift a finger to do something, and his role was reduced to teachings that you do not need at all.

Get away with your smart thoughts! Say something stupid!
NN

Even if you have an angelic character and obey it in everything, the "infallible" will always find something to cling to. "Is that the way to hold a hammer!" - resting his hands on his hips, he will be indignant while you are trying to beat something.

After all the weekend you, without unbending, cleaned up the apartment, the “infallible” with the scrupulousness of a captious mother-in-law will not be too lazy to climb onto the closet, look under the furniture and into any secluded corner, so that later triumphantly show you a dusty finger: “Who is so does the cleaning?! All around the mud is impassable!"

Its obnoxious nature can give even aspirin a headache.
D.E.

He dabbles in everything, even in things he doesn't understand at all. Your home tyrant will look into all the pots to triumphantly state that you poured too much water, so the potatoes will be watery (to get such valuable information, he will not be too lazy to look into the cookbook), and too much ketchup was added to the sauce and, in general, tomatoes harmful to the liver (even if he himself has enviable health), that you again bought sinewy meat, it would be better if you bought fish - there is phosphorus in it, but if you cook fish, he will say that it is too bony, or too fat, or the whole apartment it stank of the smell of fish, etc., etc. And again his "profound" conclusion: you are a bungler, clumsy and generally do not understand anything in life. “All women are fools, but I came across a rare fool,” is the leitmotif of his behavior.

Dad, what are "krants"?
- Why do you ask?
- Mom called someone on the phone and said: "I fed my fool with mushrooms and now he's got krants."
Joke

The origins of the "infallible" character come from his childhood. If you dig deeper, you will see that all his stories about "outstanding achievements" are pure fiction. He was by no means the "recognized authority" among his peers, which he tries to present himself with. On the contrary, he was not popular with them, although he claimed a lot. It is quite possible that he was even a laughing stock, or he was simply shunned.

Since childhood, he wanted to be a leader, but for this he did not have the necessary qualities. The discrepancy between the level of claims and his real possibilities gave rise to an inferiority complex. However, he himself did not realize that the reason was in himself. Having grown older, he did not give up his ambitions and took revenge for what he was deprived of in his childhood, retribution on those who cannot give a worthy rebuff.

A fool is only smart when he is alone.
D.E.

Due to his limitations, the "infallible" is unable to understand that he does not have any inclinations for leadership. He has a paradoxical combination of an inferiority complex (unconscious by himself) with an overestimated self-esteem. Hence the unfounded claims to the role of a mentor, the ultimate truth.

He created his own philosophy, formulating his prejudices and systematizing his ignorance.
D.E.

With the arrogance characteristic of many ambitious people, the “infallible” considers all people to be “fools”, “primitives”, “fools”, incapable of appreciating the greatness of his personality, and family members as ignorant of life, ungrateful, because they do not appreciate him "outstanding" merit.

Husband to wife:
- I knew only one smart woman.
- Whom?
- You, fool!
Joke

If you are at least ten spans in the forehead, you will not be able to convince the "infallible" that he is wrong about something. Even having an incomplete secondary education, he thoughtfully talks about everything in the world, including lofty matters, expressing amateurish judgments on any issue that smart person will only evoke a condescending smile. Smart people do not argue with the "infallible", but prefer to stay away from him.

Head bald on the inside.
G. Malkin

Living in the same territory, it is impossible to stay away from the intervention of the "infallible". Physically, this is even more or less possible, for example, trying to stay at home less, which children usually resort to, and wives are ready to work three jobs, just not to see or hear their hated spouse. But it is more difficult to free yourself spiritually. Like a cancerous tumor, "infallible" imperceptibly, but just as inexorably, penetrates into all spheres. It is difficult to resist his onslaught. As they say, this energy would be for peaceful purposes ... With his constant pressure, he can psychologically chain close people to himself. He does everything to tightly bind them to himself, suppress them, make them dependent on him, deprive them of their own will, and ultimately feel like a king in this small world. The children of the "infallible" grow up either as rebels and leave home early to get rid of the psychological oppression of their father, or as immature, infantile, notorious, timid creatures who do not dare to take a step without his permission, or inherit their father's traits.

Let the road to hell be paved with good intentions, but who fenced it with a curb of reproaches?
D.E.

In some domestic tyrants, one of the parents has the same traits. From childhood, the domineering parent suppressed his offspring, and as an adult, he unfolded in all its glory. The same thing can happen in the next generation - the “infallible” strongly suppresses his child, but later the character of the son (daughter) takes its toll, and he (or she) will recoup on the future life partner and his own children.

HUSBAND-"DESPOT"

Despotism is the order of things in which supreme low, and the lower one is humiliated.
Nicola Chamfort

This tyrant is even more difficult than "infallible". If the "infallible" acts with the help of notations, then the despot - with the help of prohibitions, orders and constant control. He shows authority in everything, demanding unquestioning obedience from his wife and children. With such a person it is very difficult. He constantly presses. The feeling of human dignity of other people does not bother him at all, he tyrannizes them, humiliating, trampling, forcing, neglecting their interests.

"Despot" strives for unlimited power over people, and constant control has as its goal not to miss the spouse from the sphere of his power.

Lust for power is an itch to subdue, regardless of whether you like it, whether you convinced it.
A. Kruglov

“My husband controls me in everything,” says 29-year-old Svetlana. “I can’t even take a step without his permission. He pushed all my friends away. In his opinion, my girlfriends are empty shells who have only gentlemen and rags in their minds and male friends married woman and shouldn't have at all.

I wanted to finish the institute first, and only then have a child, but even here my husband showed his will - he forbade me to use protection. I tried to argue that I have the right to decide when to become a mother, and he made a terrible scandal, they say, I am frivolous and do not want to burden myself with caring for a child. Mom immediately took his side and buzzed all my ears that since the husband wants a child, then the wife should rejoice, and not object. I tried to cheat, and Igor, discovering in me birth control pills, became furious. How many nasty words he said to me then!

I reconciled, soon became pregnant, gave birth. I took academic leave at the institute, but I could not finish it - seven months later I became pregnant again. Igor did not want to hear about an abortion, and I gave birth to a second child, although I did not want to. Again I had to listen to a lot of unpleasant words that I was crazy, once against the child. It's not that I'm against it, but you can't give birth on someone's orders.

Power is the privilege of someone's freedom.
A. Kruglov

It turned out that I ended up with two children, without education, without a profession and means of subsistence, and completely dependent on my husband. I think that's exactly what he wanted. He does not need children at all, he only needs the feeling that we are all dependent on him, that he is the master of our life, and we are his property. My husband does not help me with children at all, it happens that for weeks he does not even approach them, they annoy him, but he tortured me with orders of what to do and what not to do.

The most disgusting thing is that my husband rummages through all my things, listens to my conversations on the parallel phone, reads letters from my friend who lives in another city, and does not even consider it necessary to hide all this. When I try to protest, he reproaches me as if I want to hide something from him. I have nothing to hide, but it's not pleasant when someone listens to all your conversations, rummages through your purse and pockets. What he hopes to find there - I do not understand. And it's not jealousy - I never gave him a reason, and my husband never said that he was jealous. He just wants to be aware of everything, interferes in everything. I can't even buy myself or my kids anything without his knowledge. In money, he controls me and constantly demands an account of where I spent what he gave for the household.

Many times I said that I wanted to finish college or go to some courses, work as anyone, but every time this led to a scandal. Igor does not earn enough to consider himself a breadwinner, and if I started working, our affairs would be better, but he does not want to hear that I will work.

I don't go anywhere at all - only the house and shops. I don’t even go to my mother’s - my husband forbids me to go anywhere alone. But he doesn't go anywhere with me either. Mom comes to us, she doesn’t mind sitting with the children so that I can at least go to the hairdresser, but Igor forbids it. I can't even cut my hair and I'm wearing this stupid bun. He also forbids me to use cosmetics, they say, there is no need to spend money on nonsense, and in general there is no need to paint. Igor believes that I do not need to dress up. I'm ashamed to say, but I wear my mother's clothes - over the years I have grown fat, and my husband does not buy me anything. He has one answer to everything - there is no need for a married woman to preen, at home it will do. For these seven years I have lost the meaning of life. Sometimes I think, why do I live at all? I live only for the sake of children, but in general I have no joy from such a life. Once I dreamed of happiness, but now all my happiness is shops, laundry and cooking. If it wasn't for the kids, I'd have run away a long time ago.

Despotism is the right to be wrong.
Leonard Levinson

The situation in our house is nervous, because any of my initiatives is met with hostility and ends with an ugly scene and insults. What good is it to sit at home and listen to what I'm doing wrong, and in general I'm useless, stupid, lazy and stupid?! He will never praise, never say a kind word, only scolds. You can scold in different ways, but every time Igor finds such offensive, unfair words that bring me to tears. He likes to humiliate me. He considers himself an indisputable authority, although he does not shine with intelligence, he has not achieved anything special in life. And I, in his opinion, a very bad wife and a bad mother. If one of the children gets sick, it’s my fault, which means I didn’t look after them well, although not for him, but I have to get up to them at night. I also feed my children incorrectly, pamper them and indulge them too much. The husband is strict with him, even harsh, they are afraid of him, they don’t even leave the room when he comes home from work. Igor may be late in the evening, but he never warns me when he comes. And if I ask why he came late, he yells that it's none of my business.

Anger is a weapon of impotence.
Sophie Segur

When I hinted at a divorce, he became furious. Now I'm afraid of him and keep quiet. I don't even have anywhere to go. Mom cannot accept me with the children - housing conditions do not allow, the three of them live in a one-room apartment. The apartment where we live belongs to Igor, and I am registered with my parents. For ten years we have been standing on the waiting list, but now all these waiting lists for improving housing conditions are a fiction.

My friend is divorced, she also has two children, but she has an apartment. She is happy with her life, and I am in a cage. Or like a goat on a leash. I even came to you secretly from my husband. He thinks that I am walking with the children, I left them with my mother. She no longer considers Igor an ideal husband, because she sees that I cry all the time and am exhausted. But my mother can't help me. I have only a vague hope that our family will someday receive new apartment and then I can leave my husband. I can't live like this anymore."

What does your wife call you?
- Dragon.
- You don't have three heads!
- So I tell her about it. And she: "You and one worse."
Joke

Igor's desire for unlimited power, constant control and prohibitions are caused by his personal problems. I didn't get to meet him because Svetlana was terrified of him and refused to bring him in for a consultation. Most likely, Igor is experiencing an inferiority complex. Perhaps he realizes that socially and personally he has nothing to be proud of at all, and asserts himself by trying to rise above his wife, humiliating her and opposing himself to her. Previously, Svetlana was more independent, had a chance to get an education, be independent, earn money and not depend on her husband financially. It did not suit him. Feeling the fear of losing her, he did everything to deprive her of independence.

Yaroslavna's lament to the music of Mendelssohn's wedding march.
D.E.

The degree of despotism varies. The “despot” immediately suppresses weak women, cruelly suppressing any attempt to “revolt on the ship”. But if the spouse is strong in character (usually the "despot" avoids such women, but if he does marry, the union is short-lived), then family life- this is a constant war: the spouse is fighting for her independence, and the spouse is fighting for power over her.

Do not wake the beast in me! shouts the angry husband.
- You think that I can be afraid of a donkey, - the wife grins.
Joke

If the "despot" is not counteracted, then over time it will unfold with might and main. His power extends to all spheres of his wife's life, he demands unquestioning obedience, cannot stand it when they argue with him and question his rightness. "I said so and so shall it be!" - this is the leitmotif of the behavior of the "despot". Logical arguments, justifications that he is wrong, do not affect him. Due to his rigidity, the despot is not able to correctly perceive the arguments of another person.

It is even worse when the "despot" occupies some kind of leadership position. He brings an authoritarian style of government to the family. Both his subordinates and close people should follow the line.

Why do you need a head if you're punching your way backwards?
D.E.

Vasily Vasilyevich is the director of something there. Previously, he was a released secretary of a party organization, after perestroika he found his niche.

Outwardly, he looks like Karenin performed by Nikolai Gritsenko (the film "Anna Karenina") - lean, with a straight back, as if he had swallowed a shaft. Thin lips are pursed, a piercing look, as if he sees right through you and is convinced that you are just a bunch of negative qualities and all existing vices. His subordinates are afraid of him to the core. Without raising his voice, looking over the head of the offending employee, he scolds him, at the same time recalling all past sins. He comes out of his office with shaking hands, completely crushed, chuv

Although the times of unconditional male dominance in society are long gone, within the family one can often meet with real tyranny from the “strong half”. Outwardly, such a marriage may even look like an equal union of partners, in which everyone has their own rights and opportunities for self-realization. But in reality, everything is much more complicated: a tyrant husband is able to completely suppress a woman and turn her life into existence. Therefore, it is desirable for every girl to know how to recognize the future domestic despot and protect herself from him.

Signs of a despot in a man

It is very difficult to distinguish a tyrant, usually his worst features begin to appear after the wedding. Usually, girls marry a “thorough and economic, reliable and able to protect”, and find themselves in captivity of a despot. But there are signs that will allow you to suspect the worst in advance:

• Frequent and unfounded criticism that can concern literally everything: manners of dressing, speaking and moving, appearance, abilities and achievements. At first, she is unobtrusive, a man can call a girl stupid, inexperienced, or laugh at her hobbies, work. She can even disguise herself as a desire to help the “poor little fool.” Gradually, the tyrant forms in the victim a sense of his own inadequacy and literally "kills" her self-esteem.
• Restriction of external contacts. The man begins to control the social circle of the chosen one and decides with whom and when to communicate. At first, he can motivate this by the fact that friends “pull her down”, and she is better than them, etc. Gradually, the woman remains alone and is forced to communicate only with her husband, which makes her even more dependent.

At first, the tyrant may seem suave and pleasant.

At the stage of courtship, future despots seem very caring, they surround with attention, make surprises, swear love, often call and write SMS with confessions. Unfortunately, these are not signs of true affection, but a desire to control all the girl's free time. In addition, many tyrants are morbidly jealous. They can find out of the blue, or come up with them themselves, and then throw a scandal.

How does a husband become a tyrant?

If a girl does not react in any way to the first signs of tyranny on the part of the gentleman, she gradually falls into bondage, where more and more humiliations await her. But their intensity usually increases gradually, the victim herself may not feel how she loses her will in the hands of the manipulator.

After a while, a woman usually notices that:

• It is impossible to please her husband, he criticizes literally everything - food, the atmosphere in the house and her behavior in bed.
• He no longer asks, but demands and orders, ignoring timid attempts to disagree. At first, this looks like a manifestation of a strong male character, but over time, a woman simply loses her right to vote.
• The husband restricts material spending, movement and development, even if the woman has her own money. By the way, many tyrants themselves persuade their wife to quit her job, promising to provide for her family, and then reproach her for her inability to earn money for herself and dependence.
• She herself already feels weak, worthless and unable to live without her husband.

At this stage, we can say that the tyrant has already achieved his goal - the victim's self-esteem is broken, she is not capable of active actions and will endure everything.

Fear and impotence of the victim is the main goal of the tyrant

Further violence can continue in a psychological form or turn into a physical impact. The woman comes to terms with such behavior and only tries to calm him down. At the same time, the husband does not feel any remorse, believing that he does not beat his wife, but punishes and educates, and does this solely for her good. Often the tyrant justifies himself, saying that "it was she herself who brought this to this." Worst of all, the victims usually feel that they really deserve this treatment. But you need to take off your rose-colored glasses and accept the fact that this man is a tyrant and despot, and this must be fought.

What can be done to protect yourself

If you are trapped by a despot, and have already realized this, it is time to make a decision - to leave or stay. Most women find it very difficult to decide on a divorce, as their self-esteem and ability to make decisions are completely broken by an abusive husband. But you need to understand that it is almost impossible to remake a tyrant. He will fight back to the very end.

It is not easy to leave a despot - he will try to keep a woman, he can become too aggressive, and then even the life of his victim will be in danger. In any case, you need to plan everything and prepare well. It will be very difficult to get rid of the yoke that has been formed over the years.

How to leave?

Getting away from a tyrant is not easy. Therefore, it is better to prepare everything in advance. It is recommended to run away into the unknown only when a man is not limited to moral violence and uses physical force.

If nothing threatens your life and health yet, you can spend a little time preparing your care. But you can't let your husband suspect that you want to leave him. He will try to take any steps to prevent this.

It's better to leave when the husband is not at home

Most tyrants limit their victim financially, so you'll have to work hard to raise the money. We'll have to find additional income, but so that he does not know about it. If you are not working, then you will need to find a job. You can tell your husband that you are doing this for him so that he can have more rest.

Start talking to other people. Tyrants usually limit the contacts of their wives, so they do not have girlfriends, and relatives are not aware of them. family problems. Don't be afraid to sound intrusive, find someone you can trust, talk about your situation, and ask for help. Both psychological support and, possibly, material support will do.

If you are still in doubt about whether to leave the tyrant, talk to those who have already decided on this. Almost all women regret that they did not do this much earlier.

Find accommodation early. It is very good if you can move in with someone from your family or friends who can support and protect you if necessary. Plan everything so that when you leave, your husband will not be at home. The power of tyrants over their wives is very strong. He can easily convince you that you don’t need to go anywhere, or even use physical violence to keep you.

Quite often, attempts to leave provoke bursts of violence.

You need to file for divorce. It is advisable to consult with a lawyer. He will tell you how to properly divide the property and get child support (if any). He will also be able to advise methods of protection from her husband in case of a threat.

How to get rid of violence if you have to stay?

Sometimes the situation develops in such a way that a woman has to stay with a tyrant, most often because of his good financial situation. In such a situation, one must be ready to fight for one's free will and dignity.

It is impossible to leave unpunished any manifestation of disrespect to you. If you have a timid character, you will have to "grow fangs." Many tyrants are actually cowards and assert themselves by humiliating a weaker woman. One has only to fight back, as they immediately retreat.

Always be ready to fight back

In no case should you give in if the husband tries to limit your contacts, especially with relatives. He may call them unlucky, claim that they are taking advantage of you or his position. But these are your close people, and you have the right to see them, whoever they are. It is they who will be able to help if you need to urgently leave the tyrant.

Never forget about children. They are the innocent victims of your conflict. Being daily in a house with a dysfunctional emotional environment, it will be difficult for them to learn how to build right relationship. Many women endure tyrants "for the sake of the children", not realizing that they might be better off in an incomplete and poor, but happy and calm family.

Always keep on hand the phone number of social services or charities that help women in difficult situations. Do not be afraid to seek help, including psychological.

Always try to develop, take care of yourself and not lose your feelings dignity. A downtrodden and humiliated victim is what a tyrant needs. In front of a beautiful and self-sufficient woman, he can pass.

If you notice in your husband the characteristic features of a future domestic despot, you should try to prevent tyranny. To do this, psychologists advise:

• Always try to earn your living. A woman who can afford to live without a husband is less likely to have to endure humiliation.
• Don't let yourself be manipulated. You don't have to feel guilty about hanging out with friends or co-workers, and your relatives don't have to like a guy. But he must show respect for them.
• Immediately let your husband know that you will not allow yourself to be humiliated, and cruelty on his part will not go unpunished. His ugly deeds can be made public so that loved ones are ready to protect you if necessary, and he knows that you will not be afraid to hold him accountable.
• Don't hold on to memories. Many women remember how caring their husband used to be and hope that everything will return. But you need to evaluate only what you have at the moment.
• Don't be afraid to lose him. No amount of love will justify a broken life, yours and your children's. If a man does not agree to respect you and perceive you as an equal partner, you should not grieve about him.

In most cases, the only way to protect yourself from a domestic tyrant is a divorce and a complete break in relations, since it is too difficult to change or re-educate a man. But usually the victims are so debilitated that they cannot offer worthy resistance, and they blame themselves for any problems. Therefore, it is very important at the first attempts of psychological violence to respond correctly and stop them at the very beginning. And if you didn’t succeed in doing this on time, gather your will “into a fist”, remember that life is one, use any help that is possible, and save yourself!

And I promised to tell what to do if the husband is a tyrant. In principle, the answer is obvious - to get divorced. But everything is not so simple, otherwise there would not be so many women who continue to suffer for years from husbands - tyrants. The problem, often, lies in the victims themselves (which does not remove the blame from the tyrant!). Having not solved their problems, even after leaving, they often return to the tyrant - and everything gets even worse...

Therefore, to solve the question: "how to get rid of the husband of a tyrant?" You don't have to start with a divorce. Of course, for complete and detailed description and the solution to this problem would have to write a whole book, but in general terms, 5 steps can be distinguished. These steps are relevant for cases where there is no danger to life and health, that is, the husband does not dissolve his hands. If there is a threat, then, of course, it is worth running away, and working on the bugs is already done in absentia.

5 steps to get rid of a tyrant husband

1. Introspection: why do I need a husband - a tyrant?

Understanding the reasons and your hidden "benefits" from communicating with a tyrant husband can help. The same book has good recommendations about what to do next with these discoveries, and how to get out of the usual game with the tyrant - after all, not only he plays, but you too.

2. We take responsibility for our lives

Yes, you need to take responsibility for your life and your relationships. Not in the sense that "the husband became a tyrant because you are not an ideal wife," but in the sense that you themselves have chosen a tyrant and live with him, because you want it, and this brings you certain bonuses. Here you have to make a choice: either self-respect and normal relationships + responsibility, or bonuses of irresponsibility “behind a stone wall” with a “strong shoulder” + humiliation and suffering from a tyrant.

In principle, you can "change your head" yourself. Reading psychological literature will help: books by a German psychoanalyst Karen Horney, our compatriot Michael Litvak, the founder of the CROSS club (he has not only books, but also recordings of seminars, and live seminars can be attended). It is also worth getting to know the "games" E. Berna and, of course, humanistic psychology E. Fromm- he devoted many years to the study of authoritarian character, and this is our misfortune. List of 7 useful books on the psychology of relationships and personality, with brief description, is in . With passion, if you had it, you will have to say goodbye - this worldview is essentially incompatible with responsibility.

Self-therapy is difficult and you can turn to a specialist, but even in this case you will have to work on yourself - the psychoanalyst will only guide the process and help you stay on track. The cure will take a long time - this cunning disease will beckon into its networks ... But it's worth it - as a result, you will become the mistress of your life, get rid of anxiety and gain a lot of mental strength that was spent on suppressing unconscious conflicts. You just "grow wings"!

Self-esteem

Gaining a sense of self-worth and increasing self-esteem is a top priority. After all, women who have a low opinion of themselves are associated with tyrants. Love yourself, and not only in the form of going to beauty salons - it is much better to focus on your development. It can be study, work with professional growth, even a hobby. Some tangible results of your actions and the respect of other people provide a good basis for self-respect. The work, moreover, will help to prepare "escape routes", to get out of material dependence on the tyrant, which is important.

4. Changing relationships with a tyrant husband

The task here is to get out of the game, stop playing it. That is, you do not need to fight for freedom and independence, download rights and be offended - in all these cases you continue to be a victim. Try to internally "unhook" from him - do not expect anything from him and do not react to provocations. Imagine how you would react if an outsider behaved this way, to whom you owe nothing? So, you don’t owe anything to your tyrant husband either. Yes, there is some mutual responsibility in a relationship, but his manipulation of your guilt is not a relationship, but a game. This person is not capable of personal relationships.

In response to his aggressive attacks, you do not need to justify or defend yourself - this only turns the tyrant on. You can practice applying the methods. This will allow you to miss the psychological blows while maintaining self-esteem. Formally, the tyrant will have nothing to complain about, but there is one danger. When you leave the game, you deprive him of the "recharge" necessary for life - and he will become very ill. In a state of "breaking" he will begin to rage and is capable of very ugly deeds. At best, he will find a "savior", that is, a mistress, or will run around friends.

Most likely, your relationship will end there. When the stable “tyrant-victim” bond breaks up, it often turns out that there was nothing that connected people except for the painful game. And if one has recovered and stopped the game, then it is not at all necessary that the other will also want to recover - he will probably go looking for another victim ...

5. Divorce

If your husband turned out to be a tyrant, then leave the hope that he can be re-educated. It will not be possible to propitiate the tyrant so that everything is “good and peaceful” - he does not need your services and does not need everything to be fine. His insatiable need craves constant confirmation of power and dominance - and he will harass you with nit-picking, humiliation, insults. Only suffering and humiliation of the victim give him satisfaction. Therefore, it will not be easy for you not to suffer and maintain dignity - for him it will be like a sharp knife, and he will take any measures to “knock you out of the saddle”, up to the use of force.

Do not take him to heart and, agreeing in your soul with the fact that he inspired you for so long: “who needs me like that?” First of all, you must be needed by yourself. And if you really need this main person in your life, then you will definitely not fall into the trap of a tyrant and will be able to build a normal relationship with a worthy person - if you want, and not because you are from an unhealthy relationship.

If you live with a tyrant “for the sake of the children,” then think about what kind of example these children see? The boy will grow up as a copy of his father, and the girl will choose the same tyrant as her husband ... Is the game worth the candle? Of course, a child needs a father, but why is he needed? - in order to have before our eyes a male example, an example of normal family relations and to enjoy the attention and love of two parents. In the case of a tyrant father, the child has none of the above, and his psyche is only crippled.

Try to take these 5 steps, and your problem with a tyrant husband will be solved or closer to a solution. The talk of tyrants is not over subscribe to receive the next article by email. If you have any questions or comments about the read, you are welcome in the comments.

If you managed to get rid of the tyrant's husband to help others.
If you have doubts, want to understand yourself and your relationship, or need support to get out of a relationship with a tyrant and rehabilitate after it, seek individual advice.

© Nadezhda Dyachenko