What to do if a child steals? A child steals: what to do? How to explain to a child that stealing is bad.

It so happened that several times I had to face the problem of theft from primary schoolchildren and teenagers. I’ll be honest, the first time I listened to my parents’ complaints, I was scared and began to think about which colleague I could “throw” these problematic clients to. But professional curiosity prevailed over my sense of incompetence, and I began to collect the necessary materials.

I had to collect information literally bit by bit. The problem of child theft has been little studied by psychologists; material on this topic is presented mainly in the form of scattered articles. There is especially little information about these kinds of difficulties in the behavior of well-off children. About juvenile offenders registered with the police, or clients of psychiatrists (who, by the way, have big amount clinical material) you can get some.

Since this topic is quite relevant, I want to offer a generalized and expanded psychological experience of working with such requests.

Evidence of immorality?

Child theft is one of the so-called “shameful” problems. Parents are most often embarrassed to talk about this topic; it is not easy for them to admit to a psychologist that their child has committed a “terrible” offense - stole money or misappropriated someone else’s property.

This behavior of the child is perceived by the family as evidence of his incurable immorality. “No one in our family has ever done anything like this!” — you often hear from shocked relatives. Not only does such a child disgrace the family, but his parents see his future as exclusively criminal. Although in reality in most cases everything is not so scary.

The idea of ​​what is “mine” and “someone else’s” appears in a child after three years, when he begins to develop self-awareness. It would never occur to anyone to call a two or three year old child a thief who took someone’s thing without asking. But what older child, the more likely it is that such an act of his will be regarded as an attempt to appropriate someone else’s property, in other words, as “theft.”

The age of the child in such a situation is indisputable evidence of the awareness of what is being done, although this is not always true. (There are cases when children of seven or eight years old did not realize that, by appropriating someone’s thing, they were violating generally accepted norms, but it happens that five-year-old children, when committing theft, are well aware that they are doing wrong.)

Is it possible, for example, to consider a five-year-old boy who, having great sympathy for his peer, gave her all his mother’s gold jewelry, as a thief? The boy believed that these decorations belonged to him as well as to his mother.

Three reasons

Mastering social norms, moral development a child’s development occurs under the influence of others - first parents, and then peers. It all depends on the scale of the proposed values. If parents do not promptly explain to their children the difference between the concepts of “one’s own” and “someone else’s”, if the child grows up weak-willed, irresponsible, does not know how to empathize and put himself in the place of another, then he will demonstrate antisocial behavior.

If a child is not doing well at home (for example, his parents are always busy, they don’t care about his problems and interests, they reject him), then the child will seek solace outside the family. To gain popularity and respect from their peers, such a child is ready to do a lot. And here it depends on your luck, what kind of company you come across. A child who has not received the skills of trusting, interested, accepting communication in the family is unlikely to end up in a prosperous company.

I conditionally identify three main reasons for child theft:

— A strong desire to own the thing you like, despite the voice of conscience.
— Serious psychological dissatisfaction of the child.
— Lack of development of moral ideas and will.

I want it - I want it

At first school year An emergency happened in second grade. A chocolate bar bought from the school cafeteria disappeared from Vasya’s desk. Vasya was very upset, so the teacher considered it necessary to conduct an investigation, during which it turned out that Pasha ate the chocolate bar. In his defense, Pasha said that he found a chocolate bar on the floor and decided that it was a draw. At the same time, Pasha broke the rule: everything found in the classroom must be given to the teacher if you cannot find the owner yourself.

Probably each of us has experienced at least once in our lives desire to appropriate something that does not belong to him. How many people could not resist the temptation and committed theft - we will never know. Such offenses are rarely told even to the closest people.

Such thefts most often have no consequences, they usually are not repeated. They are distinguished by some features.

Firstly, the age of the thief can be different; both a preschooler and a teenager can commit such a theft.

Secondly, the child understands perfectly well that he is committing a bad act, but the power of temptation is so great that he cannot resist.

Thirdly, such a child already has sufficiently formed moral ideas, because he understands that you can’t take someone else’s. He realizes that, following his desires, he harms another person, but he finds various justifications for his action.

This behavior is reminiscent of the behavior of a person who climbed into someone else’s garden to eat some fruit: “I’ll eat a few apples, the owner will not lose it, but I really want to.” At the same time, the person does not believe that he is doing something reprehensible. He, of course, would be very embarrassed if he were caught “at the crime scene.” And, most likely, he is uncomfortable with the idea that someone could encroach on his property in the same way.

Response to Trauma

The most serious cause for concern is given by a child who periodically steals money or things belonging to his relatives or close family friends. Most often, thefts of this kind are committed by teenagers and primary schoolchildren, although the origins of such behavior may lie in early childhood.

Usually, during a conversation with parents, it turns out that in early childhood the child had already committed theft, but then they “dealt with him” using home remedies (unfortunately, often very humiliating for the child). And only in adolescence When theft begins to spread beyond the family, parents realize that the situation is getting out of control and turn to a psychologist for help.

Research by psychologist E.H. Davydova, conducted in families of children who steal, showed that theft is a child’s reaction to traumatic life circumstances.

My own experience confirms that in families of children who steal, there is emotional coldness between relatives. A child from such a family either feels that he is not loved, or in early childhood experienced a divorce from his parents, and although the relationship with his father is preserved, he sees alienation, even hostility, between his parents.

If you draw up a psychological portrait of a child who steals, then what primarily attracts attention is his goodwill towards others and his openness. Such a child is ready to talk a lot and openly about himself (naturally, we did not talk about theft in our conversations).

What makes relatives most angry and irritated is that the child who committed the crime does not seem to understand what he did, he denies it and behaves as if nothing had happened. This behavior of his causes righteous anger among adults: if you steal, repent, ask for forgiveness, and then we will try to improve our relationship. As a result, a wall grows between him and his loved ones; the child appears to them as a monster, incapable of repentance.

Such thefts are not aimed at either enrichment or revenge. Most often, the child is almost unaware of what he has done. To the angry question of his relatives: “Why did you do this?”, he answers quite sincerely: “I don’t know.” There is one thing we cannot understand: theft is a cry for help, an attempt to reach us.

Way of self-affirmation

Stealing can be a way of self-affirmation, which is also evidence of a child’s dysfunction. In this way he wants to attract attention to himself, to win someone’s favor (with various treats or beautiful things).

E.H. Davydova notes that such children call the condition for happiness good attitude parents towards them, good attitude towards them in the class, presence of friends and material wealth.

For example, a small child who stole money from home and bought candy with it, distributes it to other children in order to buy their love, friendship, and good attitude. The child increases his own importance or tries to attract the attention of others in the only possible way, in his opinion.

Not finding support and understanding in the family, the child begins to steal outside the family. One gets the feeling that he is doing this to spite his always busy and dissatisfied parents or to take revenge on his more prosperous peers.

One eight-year-old girl constantly hid and threw away her things. younger brother. She did this because the family clearly preferred their youngest son to her and had high hopes for him, and although she studied very well, she could not become the best in the class. The girl withdrew into herself, she did not have close relationships with anyone in the class, and her only friend was her pet rat, to whom she confided all her sorrows and joys. The reasons for her theft were parental coldness towards her and, as a consequence of this, jealousy and the desire to take revenge on her parents' favorite - her younger brother.

Hard case

I would like to tell you about two cases from my practice in which I was unable to do almost anything.

An eight-year-old boy stole poorly placed toys and money from his classmates. But he did not use them, but hid them in a secluded place, which was later discovered by the teacher. His behavior was similar to revenge, as if he wanted to punish the people around him.

In the process of psychological work with him and his family, it became clear that not everything was going well for the boy at home. Relationships in the family were cold, alienated, and physical punishment was practiced. The boy could not count on support in difficult situation, even his successes were formally rejoiced: it complies with the standards - and is good. All incentives were limited to material ones: money was given or something was bought.

The relationship between the parents was tense, apparently with frequent conflicts and mutual accusations. Big sister(by the way, very gifted) neither father nor mother loved her, considering her the reason for their unsuccessful family and professional life.

This was made clear to me by my mother, who said during one of the conversations: “If it weren’t for her, I would not live with this person, but would do an interesting job.”

The boy was very capable, well-read, observant, but unpopular. In the class he had one friend, in relation to whom the boy took a dominant position: he figured out what to play, what to do, and was in charge in the games.

In general, it looked like the child did not know how to communicate as equals. He was unable to make friends with his peers, and there was no trust or love in his relationships with teachers.

It was felt that he was drawn to people, he was lonely, but he did not know how to build warm, trusting relationships. Everything was built on the basis of fear and submission. Even with their sister, they were allies in confronting parental coldness, and not loving relatives.

He committed thefts at home to annoy his parents, and in the classroom to make others around him feel bad, so that he wouldn’t be the only one who felt bad...

The teacher told me about another case.

In the second grade, the children began to lose their school supplies (pens, pencil cases, textbooks) and they were found in the briefcase of a boy who had a reputation among teachers as a hooligan because of his bad behavior, but was popular among his classmates.

The most interesting thing is that he himself discovered the missing things in his backpack and reported the discovery to those around him with genuine surprise. He answered all questions with sincere bewilderment, not understanding how these things ended up in his possession. Why would this boy steal things from the boys and then pretend to be surprised when he found them in his possession? The teacher didn't know what to think.

One day, when all the guys were in physical education, she looked into the empty classroom and saw the following picture. The girl, freed from physical education, collected various things from her desks and hid them in this boy’s briefcase.

The girl, the youngest in her class, entered school as a child prodigy, but already at the beginning of the first grade she began to experience great difficulties in her studies. The parents took the position that “studies are not the most important thing” and believed that the teachers were unnecessarily nagging at their daughter.

The girl’s relationships in the class also did not work out; she aspired to the main roles, but did not have authority with her classmates, and often quarreled with them. She was afraid of teachers and told them that she had forgotten her notebook or diary when she was threatened with a bad grade.

One can only guess about the motives for such theft. Perhaps, since only she knew the truth about these mysterious disappearances, this secret made her more significant in her own eyes. At the same time, she took revenge on that boy who, despite lame discipline and problems with teachers, was successful both in studies and in friendship. By “substituting” him, she apparently hoped to discredit him in the eyes of others.

For me, these cases turned out to be the most difficult, because the parents were ready to change something in the child, but did not want to admit the need to change their relationships and change themselves.

All that teachers and psychologists could do for these children was, desperate to reach their parents, try to ensure a friendly attitude towards them on their part and help them avoid conflicts with classmates and improve their status.

Gaps in education

I would like to note that all the children I am talking about gave the impression of being dependent, infantile, and controlled by their parents in everything.

Perhaps all thieves are characterized by insufficient development of will. But if the described categories of children understood that they were doing something reprehensible, then some children appropriate for themselves what belongs to others, without even thinking about how it looks in the eyes of others, or about the consequences. They take the hands they like and help themselves to other people's sweets without asking. When committing “thefts,” children do not put themselves in the place of the “victim” and do not imagine her feelings, unlike a child who takes revenge on his “offenders” by stealing.

Such behavior in children is a consequence of a serious gap in their moral education. It is necessary to explain to a child from an early age what someone else’s property is, that it is impossible to take other people’s things without permission, and to draw his attention to the experiences of a person who has lost something.

It is very useful to analyze with your child various situations related to the violation or observance of moral standards. For example, my practice shows that children 6–7 years old are strongly impressed by N. Nosov’s story “Cucumbers.” Let me remind you of the content of this story.

A preschool boy stole cucumbers from a collective farm field in company with his older friend. The friend, however, did not take the cucumbers home, as he was afraid of punishment, but gave them all to the boy. The boy’s mother was very angry with her son and ordered him to take the cucumbers back, which he did after much hesitation. When the boy gave the cucumbers to the watchman and found out that there was nothing wrong with eating one cucumber, he felt very good and light at heart.

It is the opportunity to correct what has been done, the need to take responsibility for one’s actions, the pangs of conscience and the relief experienced as a result of resolving the problem that the child should pay special attention to.

By the way, this same story raises another problem. When the mother tells her son to return the cucumbers, he refuses, fearing that the guard will shoot him. To which the mother says that it would be better for her not to have any son than for a son to be a thief.

In my opinion, such “shock therapy” is not always so effective and is quite dangerous in the case of emotionally excitable children. Leaving a child alone with a wrongdoing, denying it, we can only aggravate the problem, causing instead of repentance and a desire to improve, despair and a desire to leave everything as it is or make it even worse.

"Not caught, not a thief"

Classmates Masha, Katya and Alena from a parallel class were looking at magnets for the board on the teacher’s desk. Then they went to play. After some time, the teacher of the extended group heard that the girls were arguing about something. It turned out that Masha and Katya saw a large magnet in Alena’s hands. They decided that Alena took this magnet from their teacher’s desk.

The teacher asked Alena to show the magnet, but she refused, citing the fact that it was her own thing. The teacher insisted that if the girl did not show the magnet, then she had stolen it from the teacher’s desk.

Masha and Katya also shouted that Alena stole the magnet. The girl refused to show her magnet and cried. She started to get hysterical. Her class teacher came to the rescue, reassuring Alena in a friendly tone and finally finding out that the magnet really belonged to the girl. The teacher explained her persistence by the difficult character of Alena, who always violates discipline, quarrels with everyone, and is very stubborn.

In my opinion, parents, teachers, and educators should always proceed from the rule: never accuse a child of theft, even if there was no one else to do it (the exception is when you caught the child at the crime scene, but even in this case select expression).

Sometimes even one conversation on this topic is enough to give rise to an inferiority complex in a child, which will poison his life.

I once worked with a thirteen-year-old girl. Her relatives were sure that she was stealing money from her stepfather. It turned out that all the thefts were committed by the stepfather's brother, who tried to blame the girl (he even staged the loss of money from his pocket). And the family believed that the girl was to blame, because at the age of five she stole money from her mother and bought treats for her friends with it.

But one day the true thief miscalculated, and everything was revealed. The girl was “rehabilitated” in the eyes of her family. However, when it comes to a child’s soul, the law “better late than never” does not work. And no one can say what irreparable damage was caused to the teenager’s personality by unfair accusations, by a situation where everyone except the mother (which, admittedly, is already quite a lot) was opposed to the child and did not believe him.

On the path of condemnation and punishment

And it’s not just the possibility of unfair accusation that should keep adults from “calling a spade a spade.” Remember the boy from the story “Cucumbers”, which we already talked about. Probably the most terrible thing for him was not his mother’s anger, not the fear of the watchman and his gun, but the consciousness that he had done something that made his mother no longer love him.

It’s good that at least his mother left him the opportunity to atone for his guilt, otherwise the impact of despair and hopelessness would be destructive for the child’s soul. This would destroy his self-confidence and create in the child a sense of his own depravity.

Working with such a child is extremely difficult, and such a wound may never heal. By the way, the children themselves, in the process of discussing the story, expressed the opinion that mother did the right thing; if they were in her place, they would have done the same. Such categoricalness indicates that, if they find themselves in a similar situation, they will sincerely think that they no longer deserve parental love.

By following the path of condemnation and punishment, parents thereby secure the child’s reputation as a thief. Even if the offense was the only one, the relatives already see the mark of depravity on the child, in every prank and failure they see an ominous reflection of the past. They expect that things will get even worse, and as soon as the child stumbles, they almost exclaim with relief: “Here it is!” We knew that everything would be like this, what else can you expect from him?!”

It seems that the child is being pushed towards illegal behavior. A little person who finds himself in a situation of misunderstanding and rejection may become embittered, and his thefts may already have a completely different - criminal meaning.

At first, this will be an attempt to take revenge on the offenders, to feel superior to them, and then it can become a way to satisfy material needs.

Psychologist's advice

How to prevent theft?

The reasons or considerations that make a child refrain from stealing must, in all likelihood, be exactly the opposite of those that induce him to commit theft. Firstly, those children who have sufficiently developed will and moral ideas will not steal. Secondly, those who know how to restrain their desires. Thirdly, emotionally prosperous children.

Very often you can hear the opinion that most people are deterred from committing crimes (including theft) only because of fear of inevitable punishment. It seems to me that this is not the only reason.

I invited the first and second grade students to listen to a story about the boy Vita, whom another boy, Temka, called to steal apples from a neighbor (for whom the sale of these apples was the main means of feeding his family).

In front of Vitya, Temka is severely punished, but he again climbs into the garden and again calls Vitya with him. Vitya really wants to try the apples, but he doesn’t dare to go with Temka.

Then I asked the guys: why doesn’t Vitya go steal apples? 27% of respondents said that Vitya was afraid of punishment, 39% - that he sympathized with the one who was going to be robbed, 34% pointed to moral considerations (Vitya is ashamed, he knows that stealing is bad, etc.).

The results of this small survey (a total of 40 students responded) show that fear of retaliation is not the only and significant reason that keeps even 7-8 year old children from committing theft.

In the fairy tale “Aibolit,” which I loved as a child, the parrot Carudo stole the key to the dungeon from Barmaley in order to save his friends. In my childish opinion, this is an act involving risk and arousing admiration. As we grow older, we can understand and justify someone who steals out of desperation to save their loved ones (for example, from hunger).

But neither the examination of other people's bags and pockets, nor attempts to make money at someone else's expense can be justified by us. You must be prepared to explain all this to your children.

But the most important thing is what example we set with our behavior. A child receives his first and most important moral lessons in the family, observing the behavior of loved ones. We must always remember this.

There's no hiding from this

Finally, I would like to touch on one more important point related to the problem of theft.

Theft is a phenomenon of our life that a child will sooner or later have to face, no matter how hard we try to protect him from such troubles. Either they will cheat him in the store, or they will steal something from his pocket, or they will invite him to the neighbor’s orchard to buy apples. And every parent should be prepared to ask the question: “Why can’t this be done? Why do others do this and nothing?”

Having become a victim of thieves for the first time, a child can experience this very painfully. He will consider himself to blame for what happened, he will be very unpleasant, even disgusted (many people who were robbed spoke of a feeling of disgust as the main reaction to what happened to them).

The child may even stop trusting people; he will see all strangers as thieves. He may want to repay those around him in kind; for him this will become a kind of revenge.

Explain to your child that bad people are found everywhere. (For me personally, it was a shock when I was robbed at the Lenin Library, then they told me that this was a common occurrence there).

Discuss the problem of theft in your family, express your attitude towards it, teach your children to protect their property.

The child must be taught not only respect for other people's property, but also vigilance. He must know that not all people consider other people's things inviolable.

Tips for parents

How to behave if you suspect a child of stealing?

If a child is “not caught red-handed,” regardless of any suspicions, do not rush to blame him. Remember the presumption of innocence.

Be extremely careful, be sensitive, because this is not a repeat offender, but a child. It depends on you how he will grow up. By hastening and giving vent to your indignation, you can ruin a child’s life, deprive him of confidence in the right to be treated well by others, and thereby of self-confidence.

Some parents angrily beat their children's hands, saying that in ancient times thieves had their hands cut off, and threaten to hand them over to the police next time. This embitters children and creates a feeling of their own depravity.

Share the responsibility with your child, help him correct the situation, and let him learn about such radical measures from books and be glad that his parents will not abandon him in trouble.

Let your child know how upset you are about what is happening, but try not to call the incident “theft,” “theft,” or “crime.” A calm conversation, a discussion of your feelings, a joint search for a solution to any problem is better than a showdown.

Try to understand the reasons for this behavior. Perhaps there is some serious problem behind the theft. For example, a child took money from home because they demanded a “debt” from him, and he is ashamed to admit it, or he lost someone’s thing, and this loss must be compensated...

Try to find a way out of this situation together with your child. Remember - this should be a joint decision, not your order.

The stolen item must be returned to the owner, but it is not necessary to force the child to do it on his own; you can go with him. He must feel that every person has the right to support.

If you are sure that the child took the item, but it is difficult for him to admit it, tell him that it can be quietly put back in its place. For example, the following move is suitable for small children: “Apparently, there is a brownie in our house. He was the one who stole something. Let’s give him a treat, he’ll become kinder and give us back what we lost.”

In general, leave your child an escape route. Psychologist Le Shan advises: if you discover that a child has someone else’s toy, which he stole from a friend, but claims that it was given to him, you need to tell him the following: “I can imagine how much you wanted the doll if you really believed that it was for you.” gave."

The reason for theft can be not only an attempt to assert oneself or a weak will, but also the example of friends, the so-called theft “for company.”

IN younger age It is often enough for a child to explain that he is doing something wrong and to protect him from communicating with children who encourage him to do bad things.

In adolescence, everything is much more serious. The child chooses his own friends, and your assurances that they are not suitable for him can have the exact opposite effect. The teenager will distance himself from you and begin to hide who and how he spends his time.

In addition, committing thefts in certain companies increases your authority in the eyes of your comrades.

It is important to know all of your child's friends, especially if you are afraid of negative influence from them. Invite them home, if possible, meet their parents.

The most important thing is to unobtrusively create an acceptable social circle for the child. This needs to be taken care of while he is still small. These could be the children of your friends, his classmates, some kind of club, circle, section - in a word, any society that unites people with similar interests and who treat each other kindly.

A few words about prevention

A confidential conversation is the best prevention of possible difficulties. Discuss your child’s problems and tell us about yours. It will be especially good if you share your own experiences, tell us what feelings you experienced in a similar situation. The child will feel your sincere desire to understand him, friendly, lively participation.

It would be good to direct his activity “in a peaceful direction”: find out what really interests your child (sports, art, collecting some kind of collection, some books, photography, etc.). The sooner you do this, the better. A person whose life is filled with activities that are interesting to him feels happier and more needed. He doesn’t need to attract attention to himself; he will definitely have at least one friend.

The child must be taught to empathize and think about the feelings of others. We need to introduce him to the rule: “Do as you want to be treated,” and explain the meaning of this rule using examples from your own life.

The child needs to be responsible for someone or something in the family - for his younger brother, for the presence of fresh bread in the house, for watering the flowers, and certainly, starting from the age of 7–8, for his own briefcase, table, room, etc. . Gradually hand over things to him, share responsibility with him.

The greatest concern is caused by cases of theft that extend beyond the home or are repeated repeatedly. And of all age categories, adolescence is the most dangerous.

When a child steals frequently, it develops into a bad habit. If he steals outside the family, this is already indulging his vicious desires. If an older child steals, this is a character trait.

Compared to our adults, children's problems often look funny, far-fetched, not worth attention, but the child doesn’t think so. For him, many situations may seem hopeless. Remember this and remember your childhood and your childhood problems more often, think about what you would do in his place. The child needs to know whether he can count on your attention and understanding, sympathy and help.

Any child psychologist knows very well - almost everyone stole something at least once in childhood. And that's absolutely normal.

Depending on age, the reasons for stealing can vary greatly.

For example, the baby does not even fully understand what is “mine” and what is “someone else’s”. Fantasies and reality in his mind can be intricately intertwined, and the boundaries between them are very blurred.

Children preschool age property boundaries are also not always clearly understood. In addition, their egoism is very strong. This can be explained by the fact that during the process of evolution, the young of our ancestors needed to take great care of themselves in order to survive.

Around 6-8 years of age, the foundations of morality begin to form. Junior schoolchildren They are already beginning to correlate their actions with the interests and opinions of other people.

However, a normal child, and often a teenager, steals quite easily. Why?

Reasons for child theft

1. Theft with the best intentions

A child can indeed steal with the best intentions, for example, to give it to someone he loves. To a friend, mom or dad, brother. This desire turns out to be stronger than the restraining internal prohibition to take someone else’s. After all, moral principles at this age are just beginning to form. And desires are very strong.

2. I really want to, I can’t resist

The child just “really wants it.” A toy, doll, pie or candy. You never know what a person might want. And the hand seems to reach out and take it. He already understands that he has done something reprehensible, but he cannot resist.

The thing is that children are simply not yet able to fully control their behavior. Their brain structures responsible for self-control have not yet matured; they are still being formed. But the child already understands that he has done something reprehensible, and slowly puts the toy in his pocket, a beautiful ring in a secret place, etc.

The brain structures responsible for self-control fully mature only around 19-21 years of age or later. This is why teenagers are often unrestrained and sometimes have problems with the law. They simply have not yet developed the function of self-control. They know how to do it, but they can’t control themselves.

By using special exercises Can develop self-control. This is what we do at KUB trainings.

3. The need to own an iconic item

A teenager may steal because he needs a certain attribute of “coolness,” without which he feels inferior among his peers. For example, friends already have the latest model iPhones.

Particularly susceptible to this teenagers with low self-esteem and those who unable to establish relationships with peers.

It seems to them that the treasured item will be the key to recognition from their peers. But the young kidnapper is usually disappointed. After all, confident guys who know how to communicate enjoy the respect of their comrades. And it may seem to a teenager that he is missing some other attribute, but when it appears, only then...

To break this vicious circle, the child needs strengthen self-esteem and learn to communicate. Our trainings are dedicated to this.

4. Stress and loss of self-control

Stress further reduces self-control. And not only for children. Adults in a situation of stress also behave less than brilliantly: they light a cigarette, binge eat, have a drink, and perform many other not very reasonable actions, depending on who is closer to what.
At the same time, you remember that children have not yet matured the brain structures responsible for self-control. And when they are upset, tired, scared or simply unwell, children have a much harder time than adults to control themselves.

Stealing is often a sign that a child is experiencing emotional distress. There can be many reasons.

Half a year ago, 8-year-old Vanya gave birth to a younger sister. And his parents began to pay less attention to him. And then the “older brother” suddenly, for no apparent reason, steals money from a classmate’s wallet at school. Parents are horrified: - Why? After all, he has everything?! We refuse him nothing!

Indeed, their son is not deprived of anything, except for one thing - for six months now he considers himself deprived of parental attention. And the little man interprets this as deprivation of love. Millions of years of evolution have taught human children that without parental love they will be lost and die, so the child experiences stress in this situation.
Do you remember that the impact of stress is such that self-control decreases.

5. Imitating friends

It happens that children steal “for company” or by imitating others - peers or older children. This can be explained by two reasons:

• My friends do this, so it’s normal. This is how the “social confirmation” effect works;
• division of responsibility. After all, if together, then it seems that the blame will be equally distributed among everyone, and I will only be a little bit guilty;
• Perhaps, with the help of theft, the child passes the test of “weakness”, and wants to prove that he is brave, mature and worthy of the friendship of his comrades.

5. Theft as revenge

Maybe the child wants to punish the offender by depriving him of something significant? He anticipates how upset he will be, and maybe he will even be punished for the loss.

So, you found out that the child stole. What to do?

Here it should also be noted that our adult reaction to the difference in the cost of a stolen item and the reaction of children is very different. Adults may be condescending to a stolen candy or a beautiful sticker, and be horrified if a child steals someone else’s phone. But the child doesn’t care. For him, only the strength of his desire to take possession of this object is important.

First, a few categorical ones: what exactly NOT to DO.

1. Don't threaten!

Often parents, shocked that their child committed this unforgivable and, in their opinion, terrible act, begin to scare the child with talk about prison and the police.

While children are small, they often cannot correlate their crime, which, in their opinion, is not so terrible, with the horrors that their parents threaten.

It is very important here that your son or daughter always feels that you are on their side, even if they did something bad. And if we are talking about the police or prison, then you will be a “lawyer” and not a “prosecutor”.

2. No shortcuts

“You are a thief!”, “You have only one road - to prison,” “Criminal! Nothing good awaits you in life!” And sometimes you can even hear - “My child could not do this! You are not my son!
If you stop and think for a second, you'll immediately see that the scale here is completely out of whack: stealing is certainly an unsympathetic act, but it certainly doesn't deserve to be cursed for life.

Z. No comparisons!

With yourself as a child, with other children, etc.
Firstly, who is without sin? Everyone has done things that are embarrassing to remember. Every.
If you manage to convince a child of his “badness,” this will only contribute to the next offense. After all, if he is bad, hopeless, worse than everyone else, then why try and restrain yourself from temptations? A child with such self-esteem will no longer have faith in his ability to resist temptation, and he will more easily succumb to it again.

You remember, our goal is to strengthen the child’s self-esteem.

Accusations and punishments are also dangerous because the child will regret not that he committed a bad act, but that he was caught, and will try to repeat his feat, but more inventively, so as not to get caught. I don't think that's what we're aiming for.

Secondly, ask yourself: what is your purpose now? Do you want to humiliate and crush a child? I think no. You want to keep him from doing bad things in the future. But by scolding and humiliating a child, you cause him stress. And you already know that stress reduces the ability to self-control.

4. Not in front of witnesses

Under no circumstances should a showdown be carried out in front of strangers.
Uncles, aunts, friends, school teacher- No need. Only in private. No wonder the classics of education say: praise in public, reprimand in private. Everything that was written in the first three points will be intensified by the publicity of the shame. We remember about stress, self-control and self-esteem.

5. Who will remember the old...

If you do not want to strengthen the child in the belief that he is “bad”, that he is a “thief”, do not remember this sin in the future. Especially if his new “crime” is of a completely different kind. For example, a bad grade, unwashed dishes, a mess in the room.

So how can you influence a child?

1. Explain

While your son or daughter is still small, just try to calmly explain to them that you cannot take someone else’s thing without asking. Help us imagine how someone whose property is stolen feels. How other people feel about those who steal.
Tell us what civilized ways there can be to get what you want. You can agree to exchange toys for a while, you can ask your parents to buy him a similar one. And so on.

2. Support

Support your child's self-esteem. Explain to him that he faced a difficult test and could not cope with it. The temptation was too great. Tell us how something similar happened to you as a child, and how you vowed not to take someone else’s things again and were able to keep your word, even though it was difficult. Let him know that almost everyone goes through this experience, it is important what lesson you learn from it. The main thing is that the child identifies himself with an honest person, and would like to correspond to this image.

3. Find out the reasons for theft

You remember, they can be varied. But in any case, this is some kind of deficit. Maybe there is a lack of recognition in the class, and the child stole it to show off or even give it away. There may be a deficit in self-esteem, and he needs a symbolic thing to assert himself (everyone already has such a toy, a phone...) Maybe the child tried to console himself when he was sad or nervous (stress). It is important for you to find out how you can help him compensate for the existing deficit.

4. Fix

Instead of punishing and reproaching, show your child the way to correct the situation. For example, how to return stolen property or compensate for damage, if possible. If he is very ashamed of what he did, then maybe he can secretly return the thing to its place? And if this is no longer possible, then you can try to do some good deed in order to at least symbolically balance out the bad one.

7-year-old Kostya and his grandmother went for a walk to Pushkin. When we returned home, we discovered that Kostya had gotten a toy motorcycle from somewhere. It is no longer possible to identify its owner. But you can donate this motorcycle and some other toy to children from orphanage. Fortunately, there are points where you can bring things for orphans. Kostya and his grandmother did just that. They collected several toys, and the boy himself chose not only the toys that were already boring, but also those that he loved. And they also added the ill-fated motorcycle to them. This restored Kostya's self-awareness as an honest and kind person able to cope with his desires and impulses. And most importantly, it will be remembered for a long time.

11-year-old Marina stole money from her mother’s wallet, more than once. As a result, quite a significant amount was accumulated. How did Marina spend it? I bought treats for my classmates! So she tried to win their favor. When the situation was revealed, the worried and disappointed parents, on the advice of a psychologist, convened a family council. They managed to explain to Marina, without reproaches or accusations, that she would have to somehow compensate for the money taken from the family budget. Marina could choose whether to give up entertainment during the holidays or take on additional household responsibilities so that her mother would have more strength to earn the amount Marina spent. The girl chose additional household chores and whole month fulfilled them. This way she maintained her self-respect and learned to be more responsible for her actions.

Conclusion

Please remember, even if your child is already old enough, if he stole, it means he could not cope with his desires. He had some kind of deficiency. He didn't have enough self-control. Perhaps he was stressed. This means that he also needs your support and help in correcting the situation, as if he were 7 years old. Children should feel that we are always on their side, that we are their “advocates” and not “accusers”.

This problem needs to be solved from two sides. The child will be helped trainings for children and teenagers, and you can learn the skill of parenting at

Children should be pretty, honest and correct. We must obey our parents and be little angels. Parents know this. But children do not know this, sometimes striking their parents to the core. For example, if they start stealing. How can you explain to a child that stealing is wrong so that he won’t steal again?

Initially, children should be explained that a person owns what he has done, that property should be divided. If a person created something and received money for it, then it belongs to him. Everyone has something they've done.

People have agreed and have been living for many, many years in such a way that they do not take away from each other what they have. After all, the Easter cake that the baby made is his Easter cake? Yes, him. And next to him sits the same baby. (You can show this in reality on an object that is valuable to the child). What will happen if this baby takes your Easter cake? This will already be his Easter cake, right? But you did it. This means that this will be incorrect, because this is your property, the result of your efforts.

You can't take what doesn't belong to you. Mom has a bag, it’s her bag, and that means it can’t belong to anyone else. And if someone needs it, he must ask his mother for permission to take it. The same goes for other people’s toys.

How to explain to a child that you can’t take someone else’s property, not your own? If you take away what does not belong to you, they will also take it away from you. This condition in adults is called a law, and if it is violated, i.e. to take away someone else's property is punishable by imprisonment. This is how people agreed to stay with what they did and earned.

HOW TO EXPLAIN TO A CHILD THAT STEALING IS BAD IF HE IS ALREADY DOING IT?

Children prone to theft have certain characteristics - they are nimble, nimble children with a skin vector. People with such properties, since the ancient primitive savannah, have been responsible for survival, engaged in gathering and hunting, for which they are physically endowed with a slender, mobile body, long legs, thin sensitive fingers.

The “grab and run” behavior is embedded in such people at a subconscious archetypal level. It is not surprising that at a young age such children begin to put this into practice, trying to develop their properties. Therefore, it is in relation to them that it is important to understand how to explain “no” to a child.

However, we no longer live in primitive society. Humanity has evolved and has the limitations of law and culture. Small child He doesn’t feel them yet, but he feels an inner conviction that dragging everything in a row is natural and correct. The parent’s task here is to explain the new living conditions and division of property among modern people, give the opportunity to feel them.

Let's say a child stole something and a parent has an educational conversation with him. Here you should refrain from assessing (the category of good and bad should be missed), the reasons and conditions of this act. You should speak to the baby in his language: logical and concise, addressing him specifically by name.

The conversation should be about property.

An example dialogue on how to explain to a child that you can’t take someone else’s property:

- You took this thing for yourself (you didn’t steal it, but you took it), and that means it’s yours now, right? He will answer yes.

- And if it’s yours, that means it’s no longer someone else’s (grandmother’s, neighbors’, guests’, etc.)? The answer is obvious: now it is the property of the child specifically.

- Did you buy/make/earn for this thing? (The tone should be kept calm.) The child may remain silent, but still answer the obvious: no, he is not involved in it.

- Then it turns out that now they can take any thing from you, right? That toy that you love so much or your new overalls, when you leave it in the locker room, can they also take it away like that? The answer will be “no”, because he will not want to lose what the child has.

- And why? After all, you took it? That means someone will take it from you too, and it will no longer be yours. Right? The child will say that he will hide what he took so that no one will find or take it. He will not leave it in plain sight (if he took something in plain sight) or will be even more thrifty (if he took it from someone’s hiding place).

- Well then, let’s say that tomorrow the one from whom you took it goes and takes something from you without asking, until you see it, what then? The child can answer different options. The main thing in the answer: his reluctance to lose anything from his own “property”. It is important to show this reluctance on things that are dear to him.

“Then it turns out that what you took is someone else’s, not yours.” You don’t want to lose what’s yours, but you take it from others. It should not be. You can't do that. A person does not take from others what they have so that they do not take away from him what he has. And you don't want that either. This is an agreement between people, and if one of them does not do so, they are punished. Therefore, your action is unacceptable and that means you need to be punished.
To punish such a child means to limit him in something important to him.

Reduce the time spent watching a cartoon or not buy something, indicating that he is deprived of it for his misconduct. Then, from the first attempt, the child will be forced to reduce his unconscious desire to steal, to feel the rules that he must obey. Every child, like no other, is able to understand the language of restrictions if it is clear to him and logically argued. The ability to obey the rules is one of the important keys to the development of skin vector properties.

What awaits those who don’t know how to explain to a child that stealing is bad?

Parents rarely explain to their children what values ​​and money are. But they are trying to explain what is good to do and what is “ah-hay.” By praising and scolding, they show the child two poles of his behavior, one of which must be avoided, and the other to strive for. But sometimes a child manages to do something unimaginable. For example, steal money from grandma’s wallet and hide it under her pillow, or pick up a valuable item while visiting and bring it home.

Parents are in a panic: their child is a thief! This can't be true. This needs to be stopped right away: what can one’s own blood grow into? How can you explain it to a child?! The panic is aggravated by the fact that the child does not seem to perceive this at all as something terrible and does not understand why this should not be done: “What’s wrong with this?” It's confusing.

Of course, a violent reaction from a parent makes it clear to the child that something is wrong. But this does not resonate with him. Parents try to explain that doing this is bad. And not doing this is good. And that they forbid doing this in the future. However, they rarely explain WHY it is bad.

A child who grabs for himself everything that he considers necessary cannot understand what the reason for this prohibition is, because taking for himself is, first of all, beneficial (benefit-benefit are the categories in which a skin person thinks). And the fact that “this is not accepted in society” does not bother him, because his own is closer to himself than the abstract “society”. Such an elementary calculation leads the child to repeat the experiment, but will try so that the parents do not find out. If he is caught, he will lie and dodge so as not to be scolded.

If the situation repeats itself, parents often resort to physical punishment. Physical impact (beating) leads the child to developmental disorders and a negative life scenario. Beating with a 100% guarantee makes the process of theft a sustainable way of survival, and also contributes to the formation of masochism.

In order to prevent serious consequences and help develop natural properties The child should understand his characteristics and act according to them, as shown in the example of this article. Knowledge system-vector psychology Yuri Burlana will help you find a way out in any situation, find an approach to any child.

The term “theft,” as psychologists have proven, cannot be applied to preschoolers. Their psyche does not realize the difference between “us” and “stranger,” and this once again explains why children steal toys when visiting and bring them home. But psychologists advise what parents should do if an older child steals: try to find out the reason and talk to the child.

What to do if a child starts stealing other people's things?

Reasons why a son or daughter might bring someone else's phone, toy, book, etc. home, maybe several:

• the desire to own something that is not bought for him;
• an opportunity to attract attention from parents.

In the first case, you can stop a child from stealing by either explaining to him that he cannot take someone else’s property or by threatening him with punishment. This is especially true when the thing the child took is broken. In this case, it is necessary to explain to the student that money for damage must be returned if he has savings, or worked off. It’s another matter if the child lacks attention, then only conversation and spending time together will help solve this problem.

What to do if a child starts stealing money?

Typically, children begin in their teens. There may be many reasons that push them to do this:

• absence, provided that other children, for example, when going to the cinema, are given such funds;
• extortion by older children;
• the need for self-affirmation when buying expensive things for them;
• lack of control, especially with good income in the family.

The psychologist's advice about a child stealing money from his parents boils down to the fact that you first need to find out the reason, and then try to find a solution together with the child so that this does not happen again. If this is extortion, then you need to go to the police. If the issue is a lack of control, because money is “lying around” everywhere and there is no account for it, then it makes sense to put it in a certain place where there will be no access, etc. However, the problem becomes much more complicated when the student does not admit his guilt. What to do if a child steals and lies - prove the fact of theft. And only then can we talk about crime, children’s colonies, and the fact that all the money must be given back. How to explain to a child that one should not steal is a question that is best answered with real stories, photographs: from the courtroom, prison inmates, etc., proving that these people have a ruined life, no education, no expensive cars and, as a rule, no future. It is very important here that the child understands that you should never take someone else’s property, because this will immediately be followed by punishment.

Good afternoon, dear readers of my blog! Today I want to talk about how to explain to a child that they shouldn’t steal. The process of parenting involves many situations in which parents have a very difficult time. And the issue of theft is one of the serious topics that sooner or later you will have to talk about. What you need to be prepared for, how to find the right words and what you should worry about first.

Educational process

Parents have a huge responsibility on their shoulders. Adults have to explain to the little man, who is just beginning to comprehend all the complexities of this world, what good and evil, love and hate, friendship and betrayal and much more are.

Today we will focus on the issue of theft. We are taught from childhood that we cannot take someone else’s property without asking. But rarely do parents focus on why. First of all, you need to convey to the baby that each person has his own personal space, which also includes all his things. Each item belonging to a person belongs to his personal zone, which not everyone can get into.

For example, your baby has his favorite pants. They belong to him. This thing is part of his personal zone. And if someone else takes these pants without asking, then your baby will probably get angry, upset or offended. Your task is to show this whole process of things belonging to people.

A person acquires an item and expects to use it for his own pleasure. But when another person intervenes and violates the boundaries of personal space, an unpleasant situation occurs. Respect for other people is fundamental here. And you can explain about “taking without asking” only by touching on the topic of respect.

If everyone in your family treats each other with kindness, asks before taking someone else's things, trusts and speaks honestly, then your task is simple. If things are completely different in the family, then it will be difficult to explain to your child why you can’t take someone else’s. How can a child understand this truth if his older brother, for example, constantly takes his things without asking?

Remember that you are the main example in life for your baby. How you act, what you do and how - all this is reflected in the behavior of your children.

the Forbidden fruit

It is not for nothing that they say that a person most of all wants to get what is forbidden to him. When parents forbid their children to eat sweets, these sweets, cookies and cakes become a kind of cult.

I am sure that children should not be prohibited from eating sweets or telling ridiculous stories about their butt sticking together. To get out of the situation correctly, you must explain that sweets are not food, they are a snack for tea or compote, that a large amount of sweets is very harmful to health, that sweets can be eaten, but only a little after a meal.
Stealing candy is not as criminal as it might seem at first glance. This happens in a family where sweets are forbidden.

One day we were sitting small company friends in a small coffee shop. One woman said that as a child she was never forbidden to eat sweets. And once, her father brought home a whole bag of goodies, which she, as a child, immediately pounced on. The girl ate until she felt sick in the literal sense of the word. She hugged the toilet for about an hour, saying goodbye to all the candy, cookies and cakes she had just eaten. After this story, the girl stopped eating sweets altogether.

I don't want to say anything. There is no need to specially feed him chocolate to the point of nausea in order to cause hostility. For that matter, just don't keep anything sweet in the house. It is up to you to explain to your child how to eat properly.

Ours - someone else's

Children do not always understand the question of other people's things correctly. You have to explain to your child that all things have their own affiliation. That in a store you can’t just take the product you like and leave - you have to pay. Same with other people's things. This is their property. To play with another boy's car, you first need to ask permission.

Your task is to show children the difference between one's own and someone else's. You yourself must ask your child’s permission before taking any of his things. When he understands that you treat his property with respect, then he will begin to treat other people's things with respect.

Parents explain to the child that in the family, at home, there are things that are common. Every family member can use them. For example, a TV remote control. And there are things that only belong to mom or dad. Toolbox, cosmetics, etc. When your baby learns to distinguish the boundaries of other people's property, when he sees an example from your side, then he himself will happily ask permission.

Children are very susceptible to the influence of adults. Remember this and always show by example what you want to achieve from your baby.

Wallet access

Another major issue is the wallet. As a rule, parents give their child pocket money. But it happens that mom notices that several bills are missing from her wallet. Or the father notices a lack of funds in the nest egg. What to do about it?

First of all, don’t think small right away. First, talk to your spouse. Perhaps he needed money, but he didn’t have time to ask. Otherwise, you may blame the child for something he did not do. And this will affect trust.

Secondly, you can’t immediately shout, swear and make trouble. It is necessary to speak calmly, quietly, confidentially and frankly. Tell us what you notice is missing. That you don’t just take money from a magic chest, but earn it through serious work.

Try to find out why he needed the money. Suddenly you just needed to help your friend. In this case, your child has an idea, he is ready to help and that’s good. Tell him that he can always come to you, talk, tell you what is happening and you will try to help.

Money should never become the cause of a quarrel. Calmly explain to children that stealing is bad. This is an action behind the back of your own parents. This is a lie. Tell them that you will be more helpful if you understand what is going on.

If the child took money for his own entertainment, then you have another way out of this situation. When children do not have enough pocket money for entertainment, you can always negotiate with them. For example, your daughter will help you with work (something minor, but quite responsible). Then you can pay for her work with money. Your task is to explain to your child that money needs to be earned.

Child theft can and should be fought. You cannot scream, and especially hit your baby. Talk. Honest, frank and direct. Explain everything to your child down to the smallest detail, show by example.
I am sure that you will be able to do everything right and there will be harmony and mutual understanding in your relationship with your baby.

Good luck to you!

World of beauty

Yesterday I had the opportunity to participate in the makeup training process. I had never visited a makeup artist before and the idea of ​​becoming a model interested me. So pale and wearing hemp I came.

Once upon a time, when I was a student, I became a model for nail extensions. I really wanted long nails, but since I was studying to be a nurse, I couldn’t afford it, you know the dress code. And during winter holidays decided to make my dream come true. And as I remember now, it cost 250 rubles. And here participation as a model is completely free!!! Very tempting, isn't it?!

So, I got a bunch useful information. How to apply tone, highlight cheekbones correctly, do shading and many other useful nuances that I haven’t even thought about.

My craftswoman's name was Evgenia, she was pleasant to talk to and easy to like. This is very important when working with clients. Zhenya works as a hairdresser, and in these courses she acquires additional knowledge in makeup. Now she can safely be called a stylist. It’s very convenient when your image is immediately thought out by one specialist!

Zhenya practiced a smokey eye on me, it’s very fashionable now. It turns out that there are several types of such makeup, and it is also selected individually, depending on the physiology of the eyes and face.

If you are interested in acquiring the knowledge of a makeup artist yourself, but you have little time for training. You can do this remotely. I found such a meaningful course.

By the way, the cosmetics that the stylists used were made on the basis of minerals and thermal water. And as they explained to me, it does not dry out the skin, but takes care of it.

I had a pleasant and useful evening. My dear readers, attend such events. It's fun and useful!