Raise self-esteem in a child psychology. How to raise your child's self-esteem: the opinion of a psychologist
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In adolescence, the dependence on self-esteem is extremely high, much more than adults think. Today, girls and boys are under a lot of pressure to meet media standards of beauty and physical perfection. Dove brand research has revealed this pattern: while only 19% of teenage girls are overweight, 67% believe they need to lose weight. And there are real problems behind these numbers.
Girls use unhealthy methods to lose weight (pills, fasting), and boys take drugs to help build muscle mass. Because of the complexes, adolescents behave in society constrained, insecure and try to avoid communication even with their peers. Children who hear ridicule addressed to them, transfer anger to themselves and their physical "shortcomings", become embittered, secretive.
Do not wait for the child to outgrow these complexes. Better try to help.
Talk frankly
To talk to a teenager, you need to understand his experiences. Remember yourself at his age and your experiences. You were shy, and maybe even hated yourself, considered yourself clumsy, fat, ugly. Looking back at our childhood, we are used to remembering solid joys, forgetting about difficulties and troubles. And the child feels that in comparison with his parents he lives wrong.
Praise out loud
Mention in the conversation how you see the child in Everyday life highlighting his best features. This will give the teenager the support he needs so much. If the child is ridiculed, he becomes withdrawn, and if the child is encouraged, he learns to believe in himself.
Praise not only for appearance! In addition to compliments on appearance, it is useful for a child to hear praise from parents for their actions. Appreciate the effort that the child makes to achieve the goal, not the result. Explain that not everything always works out the way you want. But if you focus on every failure, it will not bring you closer to success.
Treat yourself gently
Mothers should not criticize their reflection in the mirror in the presence of their teenage daughter, complain about circles under their eyes, overweight. It is better to talk with her about how the girl's body is changing, what a beautiful walk and smile she has. Share with your daughter a story about how you were unhappy with yourself at her age. Tell us how you were able to survive the influence from the outside or how someone significant to you was able to cope with the complexes. Another important point- modeling: give the child the opportunity to observe that you treat yourself well, value yourself, take care of yourself.
Form a value system
Explain to your child that judging a person by their appearance is superficial. Do not criticize others in the presence of the child, he should not take part in such conversations or be a witness to them. The child's mind is very receptive, and the teenager will project onto himself criticism directed at others.
Explain what defines us not so much appearance how many personal qualities and inner world
Discussing external features, we fall into a certain system of stereotypes and become dependent on them. And it turns out that not “I live”, but “I live”. "I live" - imposed dimensions, parameters and ideas about how I should look.
Find the virtues
Teenagers, on the one hand, want to be like everyone else, and on the other hand, they want to be different and stand out. Teach your child to be proud of their skills, features and virtues. Ask him what is unique about each of his family members or friends. Let him name his virtues and figure out how to emphasize them.
Explain that it is not so much our appearance that defines us, but our personal qualities and inner world, character traits, our skills, talents, hobbies and interests. Theater, music, dancing, sports - any hobby will help you stand out from the crowd and help develop a sense of confidence.
Cultivate media literacy
Help your child develop a critical eye which will help not to take everything for granted. Discuss whether it's fair to compare real people to artificial images, and be sure to emphasize the importance of respecting and appreciating what makes us unique.
Let's have a say
Encourage your child to have an opinion and express it. Ask more often what your son or daughter wants, allow them to make their own choices, and help bring ideas to life. This gives you a chance to believe in yourself and grow into a self-confident person in the future.
About the expert
Larisa Anatolyevna Karnatskaya- Psychologist, Associate Professor of the Moscow Socio-Pedagogical Institute, Dove brand expert on self-confidence among teenage girls, member of the Global Advisory Board of the Dove Self-Esteem Foundation. As part of the Dove Self-esteem "For True Beauty" program professional psychologists and brand experts conduct a series of lessons to increase self-esteem and increase self-confidence. In 2016, the geography of classes will expand, and this time they will be held in 39 cities of Russia.
The success of human life, in addition to objective circumstances, is also affected by the level of self-esteem, which begins to form in the preschool period under the influence of the environment of the child, primarily parents. Self-esteem is a person's assessment of his capabilities, qualities and place among other people.
A healthy atmosphere in the family, the desire to understand and support the child, sincere participation and empathy, a sense of psychological security - these are the components for the formation of a positive, adequate self-esteem in a child.
A child with high self-esteem may think he is right about everything. He seeks to manage other children, seeing their weaknesses, but not seeing his own, often interrupts, treats others down, tries with all his might to draw attention to himself. From a child with high self-esteem, you can hear: "I'm the best." With high self-esteem, children are often aggressive, belittling the achievements of other children.
If child's self-esteem is low. most likely, he is anxious, unsure of his own abilities. Such a child always thinks that he will be deceived, offended, underestimated, always expects the worst, builds a defensive wall of distrust around himself. He seeks solitude, touchy, indecisive. Such children do not adapt well to new conditions. When doing any business, they are set to fail, finding insurmountable obstacles. Children with low self-esteem often refuse new activities due to fear of failure, overestimate the achievements of other children and do not attach importance to their own success.
Low, negative self-esteem in a child is extremely unfavorable for the full development of the personality. Such children have a danger of forming the attitude "I'm bad", "I can't do anything", "I'm a loser".
At adequate self-esteem child creates around him an atmosphere of honesty, responsibility, compassion and love. He feels appreciated and respected. He believes in himself, although he is able to ask for help, he is able to make decisions, he can recognize the presence of errors in his work. He appreciates himself, and therefore is ready to appreciate those around him. Such a child has no barriers that prevent him from experiencing a variety of feelings for himself and others. He accepts himself and others for who they are.
Of great importance in the formation of a child's self-esteem is the interested attitude of an adult, approval, praise, support and encouragement - they stimulate the child's activity, form moral habits of behavior. Physiologist D.V. Kolesov notes: "Praise for fixing a good habit is more effective than censure for preventing a bad habit. Praise, causing a positive emotional state, helps to raise strength, energy, strengthens a person's desire to communicate, cooperate with other people. ". If the child does not receive timely approval in the process of activity, he develops a feeling of insecurity.
However, it is also necessary to praise correctly! Understanding how important praise is for a child, it must be used very skillfully. Vladimir Levy, author of the book "Non-Standard Child" believes that do not praise the child in the following cases:
- For what has been achieved not my own work- physical, mental or spiritual.
- Not to be praised beauty, health. All natural abilities as such. including a good disposition.
- Toys, things, clothes, random find.
- You can't praise out of pity.
- Out of a desire to be liked.
- It is important to remember that absolutely all children are talented in their own way. Parents should be more attentive to their children in order to find the talent inherent in the child and develop it. It is important to encourage any the child's desire for self-expression and development. In no case should you tell a child that he will not become a great singer, dancer, etc. With such phrases, you not only discourage the child from striving for something, but also deprive him of self-confidence, underestimate his self-esteem, and reduce motivation.
- Be sure to praise your children for any merit. for good grades in school, for winning sports competitions for a nice drawing.
- One of the methods of praise can be prepaid expense. or praise for what will be. Approval in advance will inspire the baby with faith in himself, his strength: "You can do it!". "You almost know how!", "You will definitely do it!", "I believe in you!", "You will succeed!" etc. Praise the child in the morning is an advance on the whole long and difficult day.
Vladimir Levy advises to remember the child's suggestibility. If you say: "Nothing will ever come of you!", "You are incorrigible, you have only one road (to prison, to the police, to an orphanage, etc.)" - then do not be surprised if this happens. After all, this is the real direct suggestion. and it works. The child can believe in your settings.
Techniques to improve a child's self-esteem:
- Ask for advice as an equal or senior. At the same time, be sure to follow the advice of the child, even if it is far from the best, since the educational result is more important than any other.
- Ask for help as an equal or superior.
- There are times when the almighty adult needs to be younger - weak, dependent, helpless, defenseless. from a child!
An important role in the formation of self-esteem is played not only by encouragement, but also by punishment. When punishing a child, a number of recommendations should be followed.
- Punishment should not be harmful to health Neither physical nor psychological. Moreover, punishment should be useful.
- If there is any doubt, to punish or not to punish, - don't punish. Even if they have already understood that they are usually too soft and indecisive. No "prevention".
- One time - oh bottom punishment. Punishment can be severe, but only one, for all at once.
- Punishment - not for love. Whatever happens, do not deprive the child of your warmth.
- Never don't take things. donated by you or anyone else - never!
- Can cancel punishment. Even if he messes up in such a way that there is nowhere worse, even if he just yelled at you, but at the same time today he helped the sick or protected the weak. Be sure to explain to your child why you did what you did.
- It is better not to punish than to punish belatedly. belated punishments inspire the child with the past, do not allow to become different.
- punished - forgiven. If the incident is over, try not to remember the "old sins". Don't bother starting over. Remembering the past, you run the risk of forming a feeling of "forever guilty" in the baby.
- without humiliation. If the child believes that we are unfair, the punishment will work in the opposite direction.
- Teach your child to listen to the opinions of others.
- Take criticism calmly, without aggression.
- Teach respect for the feelings and desires of other children, as they are just as important as own feelings and desires.
- If the child is unwell or sick.
- When the child eats, after sleep, before bedtime, during play, during work.
- Immediately after a mental or physical injury.
- When a child cannot cope with fear, with inattention, with mobility, with irritability, with any shortcoming, making sincere efforts. And in all cases, when something does not work out.
- When the internal motives of an act are incomprehensible to us.
- When we ourselves are not in ourselves, when we are tired, upset or annoyed for some reason of our own.
- Do not protect the child from everyday affairs, do not seek to solve all the problems for him, but do not overload him. Let the child help with cleaning, enjoy the work done and deserve the praise. Give your child challenging tasks to make them feel capable and useful.
- Do not overpraise the child, but do not forget to encourage when he deserves it.
- Remember that for the formation of adequate self-esteem, both praise and punishment must also be adequate.
- Encourage initiative in your child.
- Show by example the adequacy of the attitude to successes and failures. Compare: “Mom didn’t make a cake - well, nothing, next time we’ll put more flour.” Or: "Horror! The pie didn't turn out! I'll never bake again!"
- Don't compare your child to other children. Compare it to yourself (what it was yesterday or will be tomorrow).
- Scold for specific actions, not in general.
- Remember that negative evaluation is the enemy of interest and creativity.
- Analyze together with the baby his failures, drawing the right conclusions. You can tell him something by your example, so the child will feel an atmosphere of trust, he will understand that you are closer to him.
- Try to accept your child as he is.
I suggest you get acquainted with some games that will help determine the type of self-esteem your child has, as well as form and maintain an adequate level of self-esteem in him.
Draw on a piece of paper or cut out a ladder of 10 steps. Now show it to your child and explain that the worst (angry, envious, etc.) boys and girls are on the lowest step, a little better on the second step, even better on the third, and so on. But on the very top step are the smartest (good, kind) boys and girls. It is important that the child correctly understands the location on the steps, you can ask him about it again.
Now ask: on which step would he stand. Let him draw himself on this step or put a doll. So you have completed the task, it remains to draw conclusions.
Attention: in preschoolers, self-esteem is considered too high if the baby constantly puts himself on the 10th step.
You can invite the child to come up with a name for himself, which he
I would like to have, or leave my own. Ask why he does not like or like his name, why he would like to be called differently. This game can give Additional information about the child's self-esteem. Indeed, often the rejection of his name means that the child is dissatisfied with himself or wants to be better than he is now.The child is offered situations in which he must portray himself. Situations can be different, invented or taken from life. Other roles are played by one of the parents or other children. Sometimes it's good to switch roles. Situation examples:
- You participated in the competition and took first place, and your friend was almost last. He got very upset. Help him calm down.
- Mom brought 3 oranges to you and your sister (brother). How will you share them? Why?
- The guys from your group kindergarten are playing an interesting game, and you are late, the game has already begun. Ask to be accepted into the game. What will you do if the children do not want to accept you? (This game will help your child learn effective ways behaviors and use them in real life.)
Try to be more attentive to your children, encourage and praise them, spend more time together, and you will help your baby become happier, fill his life bright colors. I believe in you!
Many women do not fully realize what an important example they are for their daughters. Any mother wants the best for her daughter, tries to educate her in love for herself, but at the same time completely forgets to love herself and, thereby, set an example for her daughter. How we perceive our body greatly affects how our children will feel in this regard in the future. In a new video, Dove made this clear: The researchers asked five moms to write down the things they don't like about.
Psychologist for a teenager An adolescent psychologist is a qualified specialist who will help to cope with transition period personality of a teenager, which can cause severe tension in family circle. The mistake of parents is that they cannot understand that increased levels of hormones, changes in the social role of the child, frequent changes in the psychological state lead to an explosion of emotions. Teenage psychologists recommend being more restrained during such a period, showing tolerance, etc.
Women's training Do you want to be feminine and successful at the same time? Do you want to increase female self-esteem and love yourself? Do you dream of stopping being a "draft horse" and living easily and joyfully like a beautiful butterfly? Then the Center for Psychological Assistance "Be Yourself" offers you to take women's trainings in Moscow. Why do we need women's training? "To be the guardian of Love and family hearth"- this is the true natural task of a Woman. Comprehension of the" art of love ", science.
Psychological consultation - yesterday, today, tomorrow. Everyone knows that self-medication can do more harm than good. But when it comes to such subtle matter as the soul, for some reason, only a few in a difficult situation make the right decision - to seek help from a specialist. At the same time, unsuccessful attempts to solve the problem on their own very often exacerbate the situation and lead it into a dead corner, finding a way out of which it becomes even more difficult. Instead of doing.
The path to sustainable success, especially in a crisis situation, both personal and social, is self-esteem with a plus sign. Not with the sign "!", Which means inadequacy, but with a calm "+". I successfully failed my future achievements, underestimating myself, in private business and, on the contrary, broke through in politics when I was confident in myself. So, effective self-esteem is the path to success. You can believe me, because I went through this path to the end, feeling like an ugly duckling until the age of 30 and only after 40.
How to increase a child's self-esteem? A similar question is asked by completely different parents, who often have children that are not at all similar to them in terms of internal mental properties. In order not to make a mistake and find how to raise your child's self-esteem, you need to define his vector set using systems-vector psychology Yuri Burlan. More details at the link: [link-1]
My shopping escort client came to the meeting with a stroller and sadly said, as if justifying herself: “Actually, I don’t dress like that at all, I always looked like Chanel, all fit and fashionable. With a needle ... But how to walk with a child in this, especially in the cold? And things are pitiful, there is such dirt around, what's the point of dressing up? For whom? Now all my friends tell me that looking at the changed, once stylish me, they don’t really want to have children ”... She was wearing a baby hat, an obscure down jacket.
A very serious issue in raising a child is the formation of a healthy self-esteem of the baby. Many of us have often met very talented people who held back their activities and did not develop due to low self-esteem or lack of confidence in themselves. Such people underestimate their abilities and set themselves up for failure even before they are accepted for work. To avoid such behavior in your children, it is necessary to develop positive self-esteem and a sense of self-confidence in the child from an early age.
What else can be done to increase her self-esteem and at least slightly weaken her reaction to peers? 03/12/2013 20:08:15, ne There are a lot of different trainings and psychological tricks to increase the popularity of a child. Psychologists are good at this.
And it seems to me that the reaction to peers is due to "physico-chemical reactions in the body of a particular individual." And you can't influence it in any way.
I think you are rushing things a bit. Time will pass, the child will become a little “hardened” inside, he will learn to defend himself. This is correct and natural. Remember how acute the first love experiences are. Not those that are at 16, but those that occur at 11-13 years old. It would seem - and there is nothing concrete there (in the sense that they did not throw it with a child in their arms), but what powerful suffering ?!
As for your examples, #1 doesn't roll at all. The vast majority of 10-year-olds behave this way if they are not sure about the new thing. And they can be sure only if someone very important in their hierarchy has already approved. Then the rest can say whatever they want.
About the shorty. I think you are positioning your own reaction to your daughter. If you were inside sure that short stature- this is good, then there would be no problem, IMHO. True, all my childhood / youth I was worried about being too tall (in fact, nothing outstanding -169cm, but look how I suffered). Children often painfully perceive their peculiarity. And they can always find a reason to worry. If the height is average, then maybe the nose is too big (small)? Or mouth? Or ears? In general, we have a lot of body parts, there is room for imagination.
Maybe it's all life experience, nothing to worry about? It seems that all this hurts you more, you remember your little self and relive your negative experience, and my daughter worries much less, and some experiences are normal. All the time inadequately joyful to walk and keep in mind that "I'm the best, make way!"?
Switch to "own", i.e. someone teases, but you have a girlfriend, a social circle where they are friendly, it's great. It is important to have your own interests, hobbies, circle of friends, and being "good" everywhere and for everyone will not work.
Such fantasies work well for us: one of the adults and significant ones also wears such a jacket (for example, he really wears or can wear it), and this "expert" approaches him with his opinion. It's funny and understandable.
We can say that the opinion of real experts is important, the experience of people who have achieved success is important. If you have your own area of interest, why not learn from those who know. Only these achievements should be really backed up, but again, "to taste and color."
Conversations in this vein.
With a jacket (clothing): before buying, discuss trends, choose what you want, but immediately say that fashion is changing, you can not keep up. Basic things - classics, accessories - according to the latest fashion. It's easier to match that way. Talk about women's secrets, how to look fashionable, modern and confident. You may not need to see a stylist, but it is very useful to read such literature, there is also about your style, your color scheme what suits whom, that everyone is different, how to emphasize dignity. More positive and “what can you do”, rather than “they are like that”. After all, this school is the most beautiful, but in another? Criteria. Who is the best? Self-confidence (you write that you want this, but this is a negative quality) can cause rejection, they will tease, they will not be friends.
On the advice of a psychologist, we also praise for those actions that we perceive as the norm of the child’s behavior and seem to us. In fact, some beautiful trait or behavior of the child actually goes unnoticed for him, but could increase his self-esteem.
Girls, from the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for your smart and useful advice.
I read everything, everything. I took note of everything and have already begun to act!
In general, I have such a joyful feeling, as if a new life is beginning in me!)))
Once again I am convinced that the conference is the focus of intelligence, experience, kindness and compassion! And all thanks to the wonderful girls, mothers of our difficult children.
I love you! Thank you so much!
The personality of the child begins to form long before the first words and steps. And only in a few years - by the age of five - parents will see the result of their educational efforts. It will be expressed in the characteristics of the character of the child, his behavior, interests, habits, communicative qualities.
In each age period, the “building blocks” of personality are laid down. And each stage is characterized by so-called normative fears, fears, barriers.
In communication with adults and peers, in solving game problems and everyday events, these structures interact with each other. The ability to solve problems, cope with non-standard situations develops, and as a result, self-esteem and self-confidence are formed.
Self-esteem- this is the degree of awareness of one's own advantages and disadvantages, assessment of one's own personal qualities and performance results.
Self-esteem can be both positive and negative.
And here self confidence- this is an integral, already formed quality, a positive attitude towards oneself, a willingness to overcome obstacles on the way to the goal.
At the same time, high self-esteem is not yet self-confidence, but may become its basis in the future. IN educational process adequate self-esteem- the key to the formation of a calm, deliberate and safe behavior. Therefore, it is important for parents to know how to help a child become self-confident already in early childhood.
From this article you will learn
How and when self-esteem is formed in childhood
IN early age the baby acts thoughtlessly, not predicting the results of his actions, only under the influence of a momentary desire. At this stage, parents begin to shape future self-esteem with the help of limiting phrases: “ Ai!», « It is forbidden», « Hurt and show the child the possible consequences.
Gradually there is purposefulness, dependence on the situation. The child begins to follow more complex verbal instructions and receives reward or punishment for this.
"You are the most beautiful in the world"
Preschool children often hear such phrases - today it is fashionable to nurture leaders and inspire irresistibility in business kids who see no barriers in front of them. In psychology this is called affirmation- an attitude that influences subsequent behavior.
But everything is good in moderation. Acquaintance with failures is better to organize at an early age than to treat a child for neuroses when the first teenage difficulties in communication and achievements arise.
Do you criticize or praise your child more often?
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I criticize more than I praise 45%, 72 vote
I praise and criticize approximately equally 37%, 59 votes
I praise more than I criticize 18%, 29 votes
21.05.2018
Primary school is a period when self-esteem is more influenced by academic success. The first teacher is the most authoritative senior in life elementary school student, and it is important to choose a modern teacher who develops talents, helps in the development of the best personal qualities.
Parents should avoid criticism and conflict based on academic performance, patiently help memorize the multiplication table and solve problems about trains.
Self-esteem of a teenager often depends on the opinions of peers. The leading activity at this age is communication and knowledge of all facets of the social life of an adult. Every day of a teenager is a competition in adulthood, study fades into the background. Girls focus on looks, boys focus on physical strength.
children adolescence it is difficult to adequately assess oneself, because a confident sense of adulthood conflicts with insufficient life experience. The result of this conflict is anxiety, self-doubt, fluctuations in self-esteem, and a decrease in school performance.
In order to raise a teenager's self-esteem, it is necessary to maintain contact with the child by all means, explaining the limitations by external factors: "You are still a minor, you need to grow up and gain experience." To teach the lad reflection, analysis of situations and trust in elders.
What is my child's self-esteem?
The shy preschooler turns away from the neighbor on the playground and silently takes the offered candy. Parents panic: “Our child is not self-confident!” But suddenly he just lacks the experience of communication and expression of emotions?
Not exaggerate! A shy child is psychologically healthy. Shyness and shyness are natural behaviors for preschoolers. On the other side of the norm - uncontrollable verbal activity and a bold desire to get to know everyone. Thus - through external demonstration - character is formed.
The parental view of the personality of the child is not always objective. Mother and father tend to overestimate or underestimate. Often they do not take into account age norms. Therefore, before you ask yourself how to raise a self-confident child, you should find out if it is necessary right now - to conduct a diagnosis.
The video below shows examples of different games and exercises to easily find out what self-esteem your child has.
Diagnosis of self-esteem in early childhood (up to 6 years)
The first year of life is the stage of laying the character. The question of how to increase a child's self-esteem, its diagnosis during this period does not make sense. It is difficult to draw an age limit for diagnostic methods; it is more convenient to focus on the level of speech development. As soon as speech becomes active and developed, conversations can be conducted with the child according to the diagnostic protocol.
Diagnosis of self-esteem in schoolchildren (6–10 years old)
Ask them to draw seven circles and distribute in them the names of all close people (animals are also allowed) and the word “I”. A shift to the left is evidence of an increase in self-esteem. The express method also allows you to determine the circle of trusted persons of the student. The following results should be alarming:
- placement of "I" from 5th to 7th place (very underestimated self-importance);
- surrounding "I" with empty cells;
- surrounding the "I" with animals or inanimate objects.
In these cases, look for contact with the child and help him gain confidence in his abilities. Repeat the test in a few weeks, compare the results. Notice also how academic performance and emotional state will change when the child begins to receive support.
Diagnosis of self-esteem in a teenager (12-18 years old)
A teenager is perhaps the most tender age in psychological terms. Therefore, it is better to use standardized and verified methods that do not require personal contact with the researcher. At home, it is better not to diagnose, but to push a teenager to self-knowledge - good remedy. Let him study his character, cognitive abilities, intelligence, and at the same time self-esteem. In the professional complex, special questionnaires and exercises are used.
We form adequate self-esteem for the baby (up to 6 years old)
At the preschool stage, the child already has a fairly developed will and life experience, has mastered the basic safety rules, but still makes annoying mistakes.
Important! You should not create a child constant protection from dangers and a situation of success in everything and everywhere. This forms a wrong perception of the world around. Let the kid safely make mistakes.
For self-esteem, it is important that the child didn't hear setting phrases: " you will fall!», « You will not make it!" It is necessary to properly build the process of stuffing cones:
- Warn the child about possible consequences according to the formula: “Don't jump from there. Up there - Can it hurts to fall."
- To give the opportunity to make a mistake (providing safety).
- In case of a positive result, repeat the warning: "You did well, you did it, let's try together next time." In case of error: “I really sympathize with you. I know you're in pain. But didn’t you and I say that you can fall?”
This approach demonstrates to the child that parents believe in him and fear for him, but are ready to support any choice. In the end, this choice turns out to be imaginary: the child will trust the opinion of mom and dad more than direct prohibitions. In the preschool period, this good way behavior management and formation of an adequate assessment of their capabilities.
Important ways to master the experience of adults in 2-5 years:
- observation of right behavior, imitation;
- visiting a kindergarten;
- game by age and goals;
- reception "One boy ..." (an instructive story, invented specifically to work out the situation)
- fairy tales, folk and therapeutic.
It is fairy tales that allow not only to form behavior, self-assessment and ideas about the main life processes, but also to get rid of fears! And games can work wonders if you use them thoughtfully and systematically, organize the playing space and enjoy the process sincerely.
We increase the self-esteem of a schoolchild (6–10 years old)
For the first time, the student has two important motives: be like everyone else" And " to be different from everyone, to be better". The first is needed when they act general rules. The second arises in the conditions of competition and refers to self-esteem. If a child achieves success in a competition, then his self-esteem rises.
- Help develop his personal special skill: artistic or technical.
- Take part in a relay race, an olympiad, promise a reward for success in a math test. Do not forget to praise for the minimum progress and motivate you to take the next step.
- Building confidence in a ten-year-old is very simple: explain that you are proud of him, his skills, his best qualities. That you love him not for something, but because he is, you value him as a person and are ready to help.
Children are very responsive to the sincerity of adults, to an instructive, benevolent tone. They are happy to make contact, even after serious conflicts. However, conflicts are best avoided.
Raising the self-esteem of a teenager (12-18 years old)
In this video psychologist, founder of the "Academy of Professional Parenting" Marina Romanenko talks in detail about what parents need to do so that a teenager with self-esteem would be all right. We recommend watching to the end.
The student who seemed independent and self-sufficient suddenly turned into an insecure young man. anxiety symptom which cannot be ignored. Professional diagnostics will help to understand the reasons, as well as a confidential conversation with a father or mother. Choose the most appropriate method and try to raise the teenager's self-esteem before it becomes problematic:
- Emphasize young man on that G it is much more important to be yourself than to conform to other people's ideals. Give examples from the lives of people who are significant to him (relatives, peers, or even stars).
- Have conversations without instructive intonations. Try to explain by your own example that in order to achieve success, you need to truly accept and love yourself.
- Shift your attention away from the problem area in which low self-esteem has formed.
- Keep up your hobbies, be interested in your teenager's extracurricular life, even if you don't approve of anime, gothic or street art too much. Be truly proud of your results joint work: hang a diploma for participation in an exhibition in the common room, post a report on a joint trip to a hip-hop competition on a social network.
- Forget negative ratings and criticism. You have to overcome the evil teacher in yourself. Learn a few NLP techniques and learn how to give negative feedback in a positive way: You've come up with a great idea! What if we add/change here?..” Conflict with a teenager is a sure way to lose his trust for a long time.
Important! Don't expect your teen to obediently comply with demands. Any conflict model of behavior is doomed to failure. Another strategy is also ineffective - to lower the requirements in response to the protest.
Teenagers protest at every convenient occasion, expressing their opinion and their position. Parents should not underestimate the power of a teenager's personality. His sense of self is equal to that of an adult, and self-esteem and self-confidence can go off scale, even with low self-esteem. Such is the sign and paradox of growing up.
Of course, there is no universal memo on building relationships with children. Modern families are very individual. An important concept for the formation of the correct parental position is happiness.
Happiness in a psychological sense, it is a feeling of harmony between oneself, one's inner world and the environment.
And it should be remembered that happiness for a child does not always consist of bricks thrown by parents. Children have the right to bring into their lives the building material that is comfortable for them right now.
A happy child maintains contact with his parents and considers them one of the components of his happiness. This cannot be achieved by force or coercion. Don't try to redeem yourself either. expensive gifts or weekends. Mom and dad need a child every day!
- It is important that the father makes objective Complimenting daughter about her appearance, A mother supported her son in sports achievements. Both parents remain best friends in relation to the child.
- Keep secrets with the kids in the kitchen, but interact with each other, do not try to stick to your own line. If mom and dad are working in the same direction, it is easier to strengthen relationships with children.
- Should not be given much importance psychological norms, if the child feels comfortable, is in a positive mood, is emotionally stable and is not prone to conflict. Correction of self-esteem with small deviations from the age norm is not always necessary.
- Learn to admit your weakness and timely contact the experts. A consultation with a family psychologist can sort out the reasons for all your parental failures in a couple of hours.
- Interact with school teachers, be interested in the results of planned psychodiagnostic studies. Ask for recommendations. A successful parent should be open to information and experience, not be afraid to acquire new behaviors and engage in self-education.
- In the end, study teaching experience on the Internet. Watch documentary TV shows about psychologists and nannies. You can start with Dr. Komarovsky's program on how to raise a child's self-esteem.
Oddly enough, in order to raise a child with self-confidence, it is enough to be a loving and attentive parent. Communicate, spend time together, notice changes in the behavior of the child in time, help him return to a positive path of development, support his hobbies and positively evaluate achievements.
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We evaluate the level of self-esteem.
Child psychologists often use a rapid test called the "Ten Step Test" or simply "Ladder". It allows you to check children's self-esteem, and you can use it to check children from the age of three. However, it is worth noting that only from the age of six does a child's self-esteem become more or less realistic, and therefore this test will be more reliable for testing schoolchildren.
The essence of the test is as follows: draw a ladder of ten steps and show your drawing to the child. Say that boys and girls are standing on this ladder: on the very bottom - bad, evil, ill-mannered, cowardly; and on the highest steps - the best children (kind, courageous, well-mannered, honest). The higher the steps, the better guys stand on them.
Ask your child where he would stand on this ladder himself or ask him to put his favorite toy on one of the steps (in psychology, it is believed that a child projects his own “I” onto a toy). If a child put himself on the bottom three steps, according to the test, he has low self-esteem and considers himself a failure. If the kid puts himself on the fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh steps, then he has quite adequate self-esteem. But the eighth, ninth, tenth steps indicate that the child's self-esteem is too high. Although this, moreover, may also indicate that the child understands that he is loved in the family, that he succeeds a lot and that it is possible to solve any problems that arise together with his parents.
Another interesting method for determining a child's self-esteem is the projective projective method "Tree" by D. Lampen, adapted by L. Ponomarenko. According to the instructions of the methodology, the child is invited to look at a picture with a tree and men and start coloring it.
Moreover, first the child must color the trunk and branches of the tree brown(as he paints, he examines and studies the picture in detail, noticing what each of the little men is doing and what his mood is). Then it is proposed to color in red the little man who, in the child's opinion, is most similar to him (mood, position); A in green The person he would like to be in the future.
So, little men No. 1, 3, 6, 7 are chosen by children who easily overcome obstacles and who are not afraid of the difficulties that arise in communicating with peers or adults. No. 2, 11, 12, 18 and 19 personify sociability and the ability to make friends. With number 20, a kid associates himself with high self-esteem, a leader by nature and self-confident. No. 4 is chosen, as a rule, by the child who is in absolute harmony with himself and does not want to go forward, achieving new goals. No. 5 characterizes physical weakness, fatigue, shyness; No. 8 - detachment and withdrawal into one's thoughts; No. 9 - lightness and craving for entertainment. Little people under No. 13 and 21 are chosen by closed and anxious children; and No. 10 and 15 - kids who feel good and comfortable in the children's team. With number 14, children associate themselves who have a crisis state or a strong inner fear at this moment. No. 16 personifies the baby, adapting to any opinion and ready for sacrifice. No. 17 characterizes a child who is not able to cope with emerging problems on his own.
Thus, children with the most adequate self-esteem and harmonious internal state choose little men under the numbers: 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 15, 18, 19. But the parents of children who have chosen number 14, 8, 13, 16, 17, 21 must be especially careful to your children.
Signs of low self-esteem
Often children, especially getting into children's team, begin to evaluate themselves lower than they really are: they feel worse than others, they begin to compare themselves with other children and find shortcomings in themselves. Parents notice how such a child turns from a cheerful and kind baby into a whiny, gloomy, insecure capricious. So, low self-esteem is manifested in the following behavior of the child:
- is afraid of people and tries to play more alone or only with close people;
- constantly waiting for insults and ridicule from peers;
- demonstrates the behavior of the victim: afraid to object or defend his own point of view;
- I am sure that nothing works out for him and never will work out,
- unable to make decisions and difficult situation with peers;
- constantly demonstrates uncertainty, mood swings, whims, fears.
Many mothers and fathers are aware that their child has low self-esteem, but are lost and do not understand how to change the current situation. So what steps can you take to boost your child's self-confidence?
13 Tips for Boosting Children's Self-Esteem
1. Don't label your child. In a fit of annoyance, many of the parents throw phrases at the child: “What a fool you are!”, “You are a terrible slob”, “You are just a dumbass!”, “You will not be of any use in the future”, etc. If the child a day he hears unflattering reviews about himself from the closest and dearest people, he is unlikely to think otherwise about himself and grow up with adequate self-esteem and a confident look into his future.
2. Don't compare your child to other children. Often, children themselves understand that, for example, "Masha is much more capable in her studies", and "Misha is stronger and more self-confident." Your child himself constantly compares himself with his peers and, thus, forms an internal self-esteem. And if you also "help" him in this - regularly criticize and make offensive comparisons - sooner or later your child's self-esteem will fall to the very minimum. To avoid this situation, on the contrary, emphasize the merits of your child in comparison with other children.
3. Do not scold for academic failures. If school sciences are difficult for a child, you should not scold him daily and aggravate the situation even more. When parents take out a diary from a child’s portfolio every day and scold him for every bad mark (and some ambitious moms and dads even scold him for a four), you most likely won’t have to expect self-confidence from the child. If you want to pull up your child in studies - study with him additionally. And in the case when the baby is very worried that he did not get a five, inspire the idea that excellent grades are not the main thing in life, the acquired knowledge is much more important.
4. Do not suppress the child in quarrels. Allow him to express his point of view and defend his own opinion. Do not suppress the baby where it is not necessary. Often, parents make a serious mistake when they do not allow the child to say a word in their defense. Such a severe suppression of the personality can have the most negative impact not only on self-confidence, but also seriously undermine the child's psyche.
5. Provide the right to choose. Allow your child to make some decisions for himself - when choosing toys, items of clothing or a walking route. All this will not only make him more independent, but also strengthen his self-confidence.
6. Talk to your child. Often, a confidential conversation in a calm atmosphere works real miracles. Most children love long conversations in which parents recall their childhood, give similar stories from their school life and tell how they coped with the difficulties that arose.
Tell us how you were afraid of something or something you couldn’t manage to do, but how successfully you coped with the difficulties and how you became more and more confident over time.
7. Praise your child. It is no secret that in Eastern families, where a child is often praised and openly proud of his achievements and successes, notorious people rarely grow up. A child from the cradle should be aware that in the family he is considered the best in the world. Tell the girl that she is very beautiful, talented and capable. Emphasize to boys that they are smart, strong and dexterous.
Every day, focus on the real virtues of the baby. If your child is good at math or sports, focus on that. No achievement or ability of a child should go unnoticed in the family.
8. Speak the right attitude words.“We are glad that you were born with us”, “we love you very much”, “we understand you”, “we will always protect you”, “we trust you” - these are the phrases that should be spoken in the family every day. The main thing is that they speak sincerely. As a rule, children feel false, and next time they will not take these words seriously. Therefore, find such expressions in which you would sincerely believe yourself.
9. Give your child small tasks that he can successfully complete. Perhaps your child is perfectly able to wipe the dust or ideally put his things in the closet - which means you need to ask him to do this and emphasize the excellent performance of the task. Show your child that he can do some things even better than you.
10. Learn not to be afraid of failure. Explain to your child that everyone makes mistakes and it's only natural. Teach your child to solve problems without losing heart and boldly looking forward. Tune in to positive thinking and accustom to an optimistic perception of the world.
11. Pick up literature which would teach to get out of the most difficult situation with dignity and would clearly demonstrate that only a strong-willed and self-confident person can solve any problem. Suggest reading "Robinson Crusoe", "The Tale of a Real Man" or similar stories to start with, which can teach a child not to be afraid of difficulties.
12. Find an area where the child would be most successful. So, for example, if a kid cannot draw and he himself understands that his paintings are much worse than those of his little colleagues in the art studio, you should not take your child there. You can often hear from parents: “The work that has been started must be completed, and the child must graduate from a music (art) school.” As psychologists assure: this is not the right approach and nothing useful in development creativity And it won't give you confidence. Each kid will definitely find the area where he could show his talents to the maximum: someone in singing, someone in sports, someone in a theater studio. But these talents do not appear immediately - sometimes you need to try several sections-circles in order to understand what the child is really strong in. Support all the undertakings of the child and give him the opportunity to choose an activity to his liking.
13. Create the right environment at home. A calm, harmonious aura in the house, a favorable psychological climate - perhaps one of the most important points in psychological development child. If the baby sees loving friend friend of parents, understands that he is loved and respected as a person, then he will grow up with adequate self-esteem and self-confidence. Do not forget that what kind of self-esteem your child will have depends, first of all, only on the parents themselves.
As a child and family psychologist, I am often approached by adults who cannot build their lives the way they want.
- They feel embarrassed when they are complimented and justified: "C'mon, nothing like that".
- They are embarrassed to once again express their opinion and are silent, although they have something to say.
– They cannot stand up for themselves and protect their interests when they are treated unfairly.
- They allow themselves to be offended, and sometimes even humiliated.
- Can't speak "No".
– They cannot ask for help and do not care about their mental and physical health.
And do you know what is the reason? In their low self-esteem!
After all, if a person is unsure of himself, it is easy to manage and manipulate him, to use him in his own interests.
It is known that the attitude towards oneself is formed in childhood and then, in adulthood, it is quite difficult to change it.
What do children often think about themselves?
For 20 years practical work I had to work with children different ages and with completely different problems. In this work, it is always important to know what the child's attitude towards himself is: what he thinks about himself, how he perceives himself.
Here is a typical dialogue:
Tell me about yourself, what is your personality?
- Sloppy.
- And what else?
- Don't know.
- And if you think more?
- Inattentive.
- And what else?
- Stubborn, stupid.
– What do you like about yourself? What are you?
– Normal. Don't know.
A sad conversation ... It is easier for a child to talk badly about himself than well!
“Dumb, slob, inattentive, stupid, lazy, fool, fighter, you only cause problems, you are not capable of anything”- the child constantly hears these words addressed to him from adults and begins to believe in them himself: ((
I recommend that parents give great attention self-esteem of the child is the key to his psychological and mental health now and in the future 5 Reasons Your Child Has Low Self-Esteem
Some words and actions of parents can have a very negative impact on a child's self-esteem.
1. Unconstructive criticism of the child
This is when parents only talk about his shortcomings, not noticing what he did well. And also, if they do not explain HOW specifically the child can correct and improve their result / work, etc.
2. "Look how Vasya did well"
Do not set the child as an example of other children! This does not motivate him at all, but only offends and makes him doubt your love.
3. Overprotective
Do not do for the child what he can already do for himself and do not interfere unnecessarily when he is trying to master something on his own.
Being overprotective and controlling makes children feel like they can't do anything and shouldn't even try.
4. Public remarks
If you want to reprimand a child, do it privately, without witnesses. There is no need to shame and criticize him “in public” - this is humiliating and “hit” hard on his self-esteem.
5. Pay attention to label words
Labels are sometimes “sticky” to a child in a family: “Caprizulya”, “Roar-Koreva”, “Cry-baby”, “Angry”, “Brawler”, “Slob”, etc.
All of them negatively affect the child's self-esteem and have undesirable long-term consequences.
How to tell if your child has low self-esteem
Read the phrases that suggest that the child has low self-esteem and is NOT confident in himself:
- I still can't do anything.
- It's useless.
- I won't even try.
- I'm afraid to do something wrong.
- Let others decide.
- What difference does it make what I think.
- I am worse than others.
- I'm not pretty / I'm not smart / I'm not interesting.
- I'm ugly / I'm stupid / I'm stupid ...
Here are some other situations that show that the child lacks confidence in himself and his abilities:
- Doesn't know how to lose, "crazes" when others win.
- Quickly abandons undertakings.
- Cries if something doesn't work out for him;
- Afraid and unwilling to try new things.
- He is very worried about mistakes, reproaches himself.
- Shy and shy when communicating with adults or children.
If you recognize your child in these examples, it will be useful for you to attend my webinar
Simple Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem
The child forms an opinion about himself and his self-esteem, relying on what mom and dad say about him.
It is important that he hears not only comments and criticism, but also other, positive words addressed to him.
Examples of positive messages to a child:
1. Tell him adjectives that describe the strengths of his character:
2. Periodically tell your child just like that, for no reason, words expressing unconditional acceptance:
“I love you”, “I am happy that I have you”, “You are wonderful, “We have been waiting for you for so long”, “I understand you”, “I am so glad to see you”, etc.;
3. Say thanks to him:
“I thank you for…”, “Thank you for…”;
4. Praise by naming specific actions of the child:
“It’s nice that you cleaned up after yourself”, “Well done, that you yourself collected a briefcase without reminders”, “I see that you dressed yourself, well done.”
It would seem - such simple simple things, right?
But many adults forget about it ((
Why does a child have good self-esteem?
Good, adequate self-esteem is important for a child to:
- Learn new things
- Communicate with peers;
- Be successful in school
- protect yourself;
— Defend your rights and interests;
- Build relationships with the opposite sex when you grow up;
- Choose your favorite thing to do.
After the webinar you will know:
– How to raise a child as a self-confident person with good, adequate self-esteem;
How to teach not to give up in the face of difficulties;
– How to help him to believe in his strengths and abilities;
– How to teach to lose and not “go crazy” because of a loss;
– How to boldly take on new things and learn from mistakes, and not be afraid of them;
– Be persistent, purposeful and maximize your potential.
The material is suitable for parents of children of ALL ages. Plenty awaits you practical advice which you will be able to.
